Actions speak louder than words. You can say you respect your husband, but he’ll have a hard time believing that unless your behavior backs it up.
What does respectful living look like? Here are 25 ways you can communicate respect to your spouse without uttering a word. If you’ll make it your habit to do these things, the next time you tell your husband how much you respect him, he won’t have to wonder if you really mean it.
25 Ways to Communicate Respect
It’s true: A happy wife makes a happy life. Please don’t use moodiness as an attempt to manipulate your man, but in all things rejoice, because that’s the right thing to do. (1 Thessaonians 5:16; Philippians 4:4)
Honor His Wishes
Give weight to what your husband thinks is important. Make those things a priority that matter most to him, whether it’s having dinner ready when he gets home from work or keeping the house tidy or limiting computer time. Don’t make him ask twice. (Philippians 2:4)
Give Him Your Undivided Attention
Yes, I know that women are masters of multi-tasking, but when your husband is speaking to you, make a point to lay other tasks aside, look into his eyes, and listen to what he is saying with the goal of understanding and remembering his words.
Have you ever been around a person who won’t let you finish a sentence? That gets old fast. Even if you think you already know what your husband is going to say, allowing him to say it without cutting him off mid-sentence shows both respect and common courtesy.
Emphasize His Good Points
Sure, he has his faults (as do you), but dwelling on them will only make you (both) miserable. Choose instead to focus on those qualities in your husband that you most admire. (Philippians 4:8)
Pray for Him
Ruth Graham advises wives to “tell your mate the positive, and tell God the negative.” Take your concerns to God. Faithfully lift up your husband in prayer every day, and you will likely notice a transformation not only in him, but in yourself, as well. (Philipians 4:6-7; 1 Thessalonians 5:17)
Your husband is a grown man, so don’t treat him like a two-year-old. Leave room for God to work. You are not the Holy Spirit, so do not try to do His job.
Cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Don’t take your husband for granted. Be appreciative for everything he does for you, whether big or small. Always say thank you. (1 Thessalonians 5:18; Ephesians 5:20)
Smile at Him
Not only do smiles spread happiness; smiles have even been shown to create happiness. Plus, smiles are contagious. And a smile makes any woman more beautiful.
Did you know that the way you respond (or don’t respond) to your husband’s romantic overtures has a profound effect on his self-confidence? Don’t slap him away when he tries to hug you or make excuses when he’s in the mood. Your enthusiastic cooperation and reciprocation will not only assure him of your love, but will make him feel well-respected, too. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)
Eyes Only for Him
Don’t compare your husband unfavorably to other men, real or imaginary. It is neither fair nor respectful and will only breed trouble and discontent. Avoid watching movies or reading books that might cause you to stumble in this area, as well. (Psalm 19:14; Proverbs 4:23)
Kiss Him Goodbye
I once read about a study done in Germany which found that men whose wives kissed them goodbye every morning were more successful than those who weren’t kissed. Success and respect often go hand-in-hand, so be sure to send him off right, and don’t forget to greet him with a kiss when he returns home, for good measure. (2 Corinthians 13:12)
Prepare His Favorite Foods
Although the rest of the family is not overly-fond of spaghetti, my husband loves it, so I try to make it at least two or three times a month as a way to honor him. Next time you’re planning meals, give special consideration to your husband’s preferences. (Proverbs 31:14-15)
I love to sit near my husband, whether at home or away. Our church shares potluck dinners every Sunday afternoon, and although the men and women normally sit separately to visit, I like to position myself close enough to my husband that I can listen to the conversation, as I think everything he says is so interesting. At home, I’ll take my book or handwork to whatever room in the house he’s working in, just to be close to him, because I enjoy his company, even when neither of us is talking.
Nobody wants to be around a whiner or complainer. It is grating on the nerves. Remember the serenity prayer: accept the things you can’t change, courageously change the things you can, seek wisdom to know the difference. (Philippians 2:14)
Resist the Urge to Correct
I know one wife whose spouse can’t tell a story without her stopping him fifteen times to correct inconsequential details: “It wasn’t Monday evening, it was Monday afternoon…. It wasn’t blue, it was turquoise…. He didn’t ride the bus, he took a shuttle.” Please. Please. Don’t ever do that to your husband — or to anyone else, for that matter! (Proverbs 17:28)
Dress to Please Him
Take care of your appearance. Choose clothes your husband finds flattering, both in public and around the house.
Keep the House Tidy
To the best of your abilities, try to maintain a clean and orderly home. Seek to make it a haven of rest for your entire family. (Proverbs 31:27)
Do not pressure your husband to keep up with the Jonses. Take satisfaction in the lifestyle he is able to provide for you. (1 Timothy 6:6-10; Hebrews 13:5)
Take His Advice
Do not dismiss his opinions lightly, especially when you’ve asked for his counsel in the first place. Make every effort to follow your husband’s advice.
Voiced compliments and heartfelt praise are always welcome, but you should also make it your habit to just look at your husband in a respectful, appreciative way. Think kind thoughts toward him. He’ll be able to see the admiration in your eyes. (Luke 6:45)
Protect His Name
Honor your husband in the way you speak of him to family and friends. Guard his reputation and do not let minor disagreements at home cause you to speak ill of him in public. Live in such a way that it will be obvious to others why your husband married you in the first place. (Proverbs 12:4; 22:1)
Forgive His Shortcomings
In the words of Ruth Bell Graham, “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” Please do not hold grudges against your husband. Do not allow a root of bitterness or resentment find a home in your heart. Forgive your husband freely, as Christ has forgiven you. (Mark 11:25; Matthew 18:21-35)
You are not always right, and you do not always have to have the last word. Be the first to say, “I’m sorry.” Be willing to accept the blame. It takes two to argue, so “abandon a quarrel before it breaks out.” (Proverbs 17:14; 21:19; 25:24)
Follow His Lead
If you want your husband to lead, you must be willing to follow. Neither a body nor a family can function well with two heads. Learn to defer to your husband’s wishes and let final decisions rest with him. (Ephesians 5:22-24)
Proverbs 18:22 tells us, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” Use these 25 ways to communicate respect consistently, and your husband will never have trouble believing that fact.
For Further Reading
Want more encouragement to be more respectful toward your husband? Sign up for my 30-Day Respect Challenge for daily email reminders and action points for putting what you’ve learned into practice.
Like this post? You’ll love my book, 25 Ways to Communicate Respect to Your Husband. Nearly 200 pages, it’s filled with Biblical wisdom and sensible suggestions for putting these principles into practice. See also my husband’s companion book: 25 Ways to Show Love to Your Wife, based on his blog post by the same title.
Want printable versions of these articles? You’ll find the 25 Ways to Communicate Respect list for wives here and the 25 Ways to Show Love list for husbands here, with an option to print either in its entirety or as a one-page summary.
Great advice……i have no facebook. ….but”i like it””
Ask yourself “what will this really mean next year”? In the bigger scheme of things most of the problems we get stressed about aren’t really that important. It may be a big deal to you, right now, right here, but will it really determine anything of substance in the long run?
i think that the author needs to be VERY careful about advising women to have sex with their husbands even when they’re not in the mood. this is psychologically dangerous advice to women who have been sexually abused or assaulted. as loathe as i am to admit this in a public forum, i will because i think it’s very important for the women who read this and are not the type to comment… i was abused both as a child and an adult. the very thought of submitting to my husband when i am not in the mood brings up my deeply painful past and literally makes me shaky and nauseated. i am actually shaking right now writing this. but, as i tried to explain above, the embarrassment of writing this is worth it if a woman who is not yet married and believes she must do this sees the other side. that also goes for married women. i know know a few married women who suffered horrible abuses and never mentioned it to their husband because they’re ashamed (although they shouldn’t be as it was NOT their fault!) my husband knows what i’ve been through and is extremely sensitive to it. please let your (future or present) husband know your experiences and, if he’s a good man, he will be understanding and never push the issue of sex when you’re not into it. and, if you can’t bring yourself to tell him then please at least respect your own boundaries and never do anything that you don’t want to do. it’s a long journey but you’re not alone.
Thank you… very interesting. I wish to have a copy.
Thanks God bless
Jennifer Flanders says
You’ll find links for free printable versions of this article here, Dimakatso. You may choose to print either the full article or a one-page summary.
And I don’t think it makes any woman like a slave of any sort to strive not to deny her husband sex. This works both ways too. My ex lost sexual interest in me for a period of time, and it was horrible. I agreed to be with one person for the rest of my life, I’ve got a strong drive, and suddenly I was completely deprived. I think it is wrong to let someone make that commitment, to only receive that pleasure from you, and then not give it to them. The bible should not be used to control that person and make them do it, nor should anything else. It should be something the spouse chooses to give. They still have the right to be selfish if they choose to.
Quite an argument going on here! I can honestly relate to both sides. I tried respecting my ex husband, but it became too difficult, it repulsed me, and it encouraged him to be less and less of a man with a bigger and bigger sense of entitlement. After he ended up cheating numerous times, I walked away.
The man I’m with now is a different story. I can read this article and want to take notes, because these are things that I want to do for him. The difference is that I can respect him. Pretending to respect somebody when you just plain don’t is harder than many realize. There’s a million things I love, respect, and admire about the man I’m with now. It still gets hard sometimes, there are fights and people will get frustrated, but having a strong foundation of respect makes a person much better at respecting during an argument, when it becomes more difficult to do. If you choose someone you can’t respect, it will be impossible in those moments that you are upset.
Amanda Ataraxia says
This is all really well and good……..if you’re Christian and don’t mind submitting to a man for the rest of your life and swallowing all of your own ideas to support someone else instead of yourself….. I’d like to see your list of 25 ways to respect your wife next. Please tell me you have one. Backed up by the Bible.
I don’t understand WHY is this post so controversial. Comon ladies!! Get a grip and get it together! Why so defensive? Why so fighsty? That’s exactly the problem. Us women are very proud creatures and think that treating men like garbage makes us better and is not like that. Thats why this society is so rotten.
Calm down. Take a breath! And if you cant love a man that when u marry him you can not do these things for him then stay single!
We often think because they are guys they don’t have feelings and needs like us. We like to be the prissy princesses of the house and crush them cause they are men. Let me tell you they have feelings just like us and needs too. Need to be loved and admired and cared for. Women a natural nurturers and men natural hunters and protectors. Get with the program. You might actually find happiness.
The Bible says: “a wise woman builds her home but a foolish one destroys it with her own hands”. This is not as simple as it sounds. Figure it out. Take your place. We are man’s right hand and the pillars of our homes! Respect yourselves by building your home. Don’t destroy it with stupid pride.
And stop fighting and ‘judging’ if you don’t wanna be judged. Some in here ate complaining of being ‘judged’ but who started judging first? There is freedom of speech and this lady posted great advice. For some is good and if you don’t like it. Don’t offend either and if you do swallow your words when you get ‘judged’
I have been married twice. The first husband was abusive and the second was bi-polar and an alcoholic, both used religion to try to control my behavior or excuse theirs. I believe it is highly irresponsible of you to post something like this without a disclaimer that none of this applies if your husband is abusive (phyically, emotionally, sexually, etc.) or if mental illness or substance abuse is involved. Adding a statement about what is NOT part of a loving Christian relationship is in order, along with a list of places women can go for help if abuse, mental illness or substance abuse is part of their relationship. I will never forget the day, I gathered the courage to go see my pastor alone for counseling and told him some of the truth of my first marriage and he told me that God did not want me to suffer like that and essentally gave me his support if I chose to leave my abusive husband. It was very powerful and much needed. I believe you should have the courage to say it as well for the benefit of all Christian women who are suffering abuse from cruel, mentally ill and/or addicted men.
Jennifer Flanders says
You make a valid point, Shelley. No husband has a right to abuse his wife, and if a marriage is plagued by mental illness, alcoholism, or drug addiction, professional help should be sought.
Of course. None of these applies to an abusive man. I am glad you were freed from abuse and wish you the best in your future. Blessings.
Kristin Fletcher says
Love and Respect are two different things. Where is the article on the husband RESPECTING his wife?
I thank God every day for giving me a husband who sees me as his equal partner in this life. He expects things of me, and I expect things of him. Sometimes we argue, but it is to find common ground. In response to another’s comment, that doesn’t make me angry, it brings me great peace.
Reading this made me incredibly sad because until women start seeing themselves as equal, there never will be gender equality in this world. I’m sure your husband is a wonderful man, but the idea that women are to be submissive and always put men first gives the not so nice guys an excuse to put women down, ignore them or worse.
Do I need to check myself sometimes to make sure I’m paying better attention to my husband’s needs, yes of course I do. I think it’s wonderful that you want your husband to know you respect him, and that you’ve pointed out that sometimes we disrespect one another in the simplest ways without even realizing it. I only hope that he works this hard to show his respect for you and that you have enough respect for yourself to stand up when it’s important and consider that you have needs to and it can’t always be his that come first.
You had me at (without uttering a word).
Really? 2012 and you want to go back in time and be walked all over and treated like a doormat by your husband? I didn’t even have to read this entire post to get disgusted by it.
Great post on how to be a successful slave though.
Taylor Russia Smith says
I noticed that the list for men is about ‘loving’ your wife, and not ‘respecting’ your wife, while this list for women is about ‘respecting’ your husband.
Basically this list is about voiding your opinions to let your husband just take the reins of everything. Dress to please HIM. Do thinks that HE likes. If HE’s in the mood, don’t push him away or make excuses.
That last one gets me the most. If he’s feeling in the mood, you’re obligated to reciprocate it, no matter how much you don’t want too?
So, say after I get out of school and become a vet, I get married. I come home from an all-day shift, covered in blood and cat urine, psychologically burnt-out from dealing with several critical condition patients…if he’s interested in sex, I’m not allowed to say ‘no, not now’? Is that what being a ‘good, respectful wife’ means?
Then I’m just getting more pets. I want to be treated as an equal, not a subservient second-in-command.
The world isn’t run by one person. Every party needs to make an input.
Also, don’t read books or watch movies that might make you think of someone other than your husband as attractive?
Fictional characters don’t exist, if you find a nonexistent person attractive, I don’t think that counts as adultery. When I eventually get married, my husband isn’t going to care about my childhood crush on Captain America.
Jennifer Flanders says
Regarding your childhood crush on Captain America, I agree: it is unlikely your future husband will be bothered by that. If, however, you remain fixated on Captain America as a married woman, pinning pictures of Captain America all over real or virtual pinboards, talking incessantly about how handsome and brave and wonderful Captain America is, and griping that your husband doesn’t act or talk or look anything like Captain America, then it’s quite possible he would mind. That sort of behavior would get really old really fast. And if you can’t read certain books or watch certain movies — even movies as good and wholesome as Captain America — without being tempted to draw unfavorable comparisons between the hero and your husband, then no, I don’t think you should watch them.
As for coming home covered in cat urine to a husband who’s ready for action, of course you are entitled to say, “No, not now.” But a better answer might be, “I’ll need to take a bath first. Do you want to run the water?”
Puke. Puke on this [expletive deleted] and on your submission to the misogynistic crazy fairy tales you’ve based your life and self-worth on. Read something (ANYTHING!) on feminism. Learn how to respect yourself, and then you can respect someone else.
Jennifer Flanders says
Respect yourself, and then you can respect others… as you’ve so eloquently demonstrated in this comment, eh? Incidentally, Anne, I have read several books on feminism. My favorite is WHAT OUR MOTHERS DIDN’T TELL US: Why Happiness Eludes the Modern Woman, which I would highly recommend to any of the self-professed feminists commenting on this blog (particularly those whose angry tone suggests that happiness, perhaps, has eluded them).
Wow. Why didnt you just say “be a doormat” or “be a stepford wife” you could have saved a lot of energy and gotten the same idea across.
I am reading these comments and getting very sad. I am a born again Christian and believe in the many good things in this article, so many people are tearing these things down as sexist when really, it is just common sense. No you don’t want to be a doormat for a wretched, horrible husband, (God doesn’t want that for us either) but when you have a husband who is trying hard to be good to you and his family, these would be nice to do. Husbands thrive on respect, many of them will naturally reciprocate. And remember, this is a list for the wives, the wives! Of course the husband should respect you too, but that is not who we are talking about here, we are talking about our attitudes, which, at the end of the day when we stand before God is what we are going to answer for.
I’m failing to understand why being born with a penis qualifies you to ‘lead’ over a person born with a uterus. My uterus didn’t come with small print saying ‘I must cook and clean for my husband because he his is a man’. I do this things because I want to, and he does them too. We share our tasks, which strikes me as far more respectful than pandering after someone. Love and respect are mutual, as is the housework and the income earning.
here here, asha! <3
thank you for this. This really encouraged me in this area of my marriage.
I’ve read some of these comments.Im a guy and I am husband and father.That “Fem Nazi” was just a wee bit out in left field.I hope that I don’t know personally anyone in my circle of friends.That consider themselves past,present or future “Fem Nazi”wow!I have read these verses in Phillipians and Corinthians.I personally don’t ask of my wife to be all of that that is commanded.I just want harmony with my wife and me.I don’t ask for “sex on demand”.i do want intimacy from here.Whereby we come together as one in the flesh to express our internal love and warmth for each other.Id like to have it more often.i do not complain if intimacy takes a while to heat up.I never married a Mrs.Cleaver(leave it to beaver)so I don’t expect the house to be perfect and don’t want her to get my slippers and tobacco pipe.I actually prefer things to be natural most of the time.If the house is messed up a little.So what.I know I’ll either help pick up some things or clean the house myself.Or if my wife wants me to leave it alone.That she will do it.Great.I don’t want to be or thrust upon her any more hardships.Than we already have in living in this life.Its a matter of Peace and Harmony within our house and in our lives together.If you or the other doesn’t have that.People can easily see what you and her or vice versa are about.
I’m assuming you’re referring to me as the Feminist Nazi. It’s pretty awesome that you, who claim to be Christian, are the one to first resort to name-calling. This truly shows that you’re an intelligent person, along with the way you constructed your post. I’m only arguing that men and women deserve the same things in life, including the same respect. There is nothing nazi-esque about this. I’m saying that I know that when I get a job, even with the doctoral degree I’m working toward, I’m going to be paid far less than a man with the exact same job as me, even though I may or may not do more work than him. I don’t think that’s fair, when I’ve gone through the same training as any man who would hold the same job. My rights are under fire as well, mostly by “Christian” men. I’m not heckling you and calling you names for what you think, as you’ve done to me. I’m simply trying to make you understand that the world does not revolve around men, and it shouldn’t. Women need to be respected as well and not told to submit to their husband’s every desire. That’s not fair to us, and I’m certainly sure you wouldn’t suggest that MEN submit to the wishes of their wives.
I’m sad for all the hateful women who clearly have a greater underlying issue. However it makes it worth while to see the other posts from logical men & women who are understanding your message. I’m a pretty headstrong women, which is why some of these 25 struck me so hard. I know I have a lot of work on my part to do to keep my marriage strong and healthy. My husband deserves to be treated these ways. Never while reading this did I ever think that you were suggesting that I be a doormat to my husband. Honestly without assuming that these naysayers have other issues I can’t see how they keep attacking this post. Good job Jennifer!
well said, kate!!!
Thank you for those helpful verses.I have been struggling somewhat being a husband.I know I’m not perfect by no means.im a big guy.Sometimes I think that because I am a big guy.That my wife thinks that I don’t have feelings.I have all the love for her in this world.She has to be willing to accept my love.With that being said.i don’t think I over do it on the affection.Maybe this is all in my mind.That she does love me but doesn’t show it as I do for her.i also try not to be arrogant or self centered.I seldom ever hear or get a gesture from her that I do look good since my weight loss.My confidence is waning
I have read through all the comments after reading the post and realize how much I needed to be reminded of the biblical truths you shared. I have been married nearly 40 years and wish I could have had faith and understanding of these truths in my early married years. I have no excuse as I always had a bible and was raised in a Christian home. I am happily married and very much in love with my husband, but so often make poor decisions in my remarks and attitudes,which I know is my pride. It takes FAITH to believe that what my Lord said is true will actually bless me! And the blessing of our husband’s love may come today or it may be somewhere in the future. Being honest with God and ourselves is the open door to peace and happiness. My prayer for all women is that we might love and respect our husbands and be blessed with countless years of growing in love together! I promise you young ladies that love deepens and is richer as the years go by-it is worth working on enriching your marriage each day. God knew best when he brought children and family life to us when we are young, even though we may feel so inadequate-He wants us to depend on Him to learn the ways of godliness. It is seldom an easy road, but filled with so much joy, and you will realize it as you look back together.
This list is really true and utter bull. As a woman, I believe that I deserve the exact same respect as my partner, and should not be a submissive doormat. Your list only furthers the ideals of female oppression that all women should submit to their husbands and do what they (males) want. I’m not a man-hater, I happen to be in the most wonderful and fulfilling relationship with a loving, caring man, but telling women to “follow the husband’s lead” and that “there can’t be two heads in a family” is unhealthy and demeaning. Women and men alike deserve the same love and respect. I happen to have my master’s degree in child psychology and can honestly tell you that gender norms and patriarchal families are NOT what is best for children and the overall functioning of the family unit by any means. These rigid roles often lead to more family dysfunction and more troubles for the children in their own lives and future marriages. As a woman, I think that you owe it to yourself to stop perpetuating and endorsing these patriarchal stereotypes. A person does not need a religion to act morally and to respect others. A person does not need a religion to be in a loving and caring relationship with another person. Using religion to justify any action is essentially hiding behind a facade. The moral to love others as Jesus Christ instructed would be a good moral to live by, but it seems as though this moral is lost on most “Christians”. As an advocate for religious freedom, I ask you to stop making judgements simply because people don’t believe the same things that you do. It’s fine to worship your God. But if you deserve that freedom and damn everyone who judges you, YOU need to stop judging others. There are few things worse than hypocrites.
You only say these things because you don’t understand Christianity and you don’t understand the Christian definition of submission. A) We are not dormats. B) A Christian man is called to LOVE his wife as Christ loves the church. C) We are called to RESPECT our man because love comes natural to us. D) They are called to LOVE us because respect comes natural to them. E) All Christians are called by God to be submissive to one another. This is the behavior that Christ showed. He didn’t come to show us He was King. He came to be our servant and to show us how to love one another. Being a submissive wife in the Chrisitan life does not give the husband power over us. It enables them to lead the home the way that God intended. Our husbands do not tell us what to do, nor do they make all decisions without us. We are a team and God does call all of us to be equal, but He gives definate direction to both the husband and the wife of what their roles in the home are. God doesn’t say that women cannot work, nor does He say that men cannot help raise the children. But God does give specific roles to us towards each other and towards Him. These are not “gender” roles as the world defines them, but as God defines them.
Unless you have walked a life in the Christian faith and have been trained up in it by good Christian people, you could never understand the meaning of these things. God intentionally called each of us to do the opposite of what comes natural to us so that we will feed each other what we need. When we each give 100% to our spouse, then we are BOTH receiving 100% and we are both getting what we need.
I don’t care what sort of therapist you are or how many degrees you have. I don’t have any degrees, never got to go to college. That doesn’t make me any less intelligent or articulate than you. But your degrees only teach you the ways of the world, not the ways of the LORD. Just like with anything else, until you study what you want to argue against, you don’t have a leg to stand on. Until you know the opposition of your beliefs, you don’t have the right to put them down. You are putting us down for what we believe when you yourself do not understand these things or truly know what it means, and from your statements, you do not know the LORD or what He expects of us. I pray for your soul and for you to gain understanding. I pray for your salvation and that you will be baptized into Christ.
If we train our sons to treat their wives with love and our daughters to respect their husbands, long before they are old enough to have one, they will do these things naturally when they grow up. If as mothers, we respect our sons and as fathers we love our daughters, they will know what is right when they are grown because they have received it. You really need to read Jennifer’s husband’s list of 25 ways to love your wife. Maybe then you would begin to understand that this is in fact a two-way street and she is not a doormat. He’s doing exactly what God calls him to do and in no way is she instructing us to become doormats.
Carey, I don’t believe that I mentioned ANYTHING about what religion I follow or where I’ve come from, so you have absolutely no right to judge me. I was raised Christian for more than 20 years, and I’ve taken classes about the bible for probably 12 of those years. This all goes back to what I said earlier, and what you clearly did not read. I don’t judge you for following whatever religion you want to. You can worship whoever you want, as long as you aren’t hurting other people and infringing upon their rights, in my opinion. It’s when so called “Christians” stand up and judge me and my choices without being asked for their opinions that I get annoyed. I’ve lived the Christian life and I don’t care for it. You have absolutely no right to judge me, because it’s my choice and not yours. You also have no right to “pray for my salvation” when that was never something that I asked you to do. I live my life by morals, and I have firsthand knowledge that I have helped many people. I volunteer, and I work in a profession where I specifically spend my days helping underprivileged and disadvantaged children and their families. I only mentioned my degrees because I feel that I know the field of science much better than you do, and science provides solid evidence against some of the things this blog post mentions, while Christianity only provides the Bible, which has been written over centuries as well as translated and edited many times. There is really no telling how much of the Bible has been lost and changed since it was written. Even then, the Bible was written long after the birth and death of Jesus. Science has also proven time and time again that eyewitness accounts are often false. With so much time between when Jesus was alive and when the Bible was written, do you really think that everything in it is correct? People who think they remember one thing are often quite incorrect, even if they WITNESSED it. This has been shown in studies of people who witnessed a crime, and in every study, most of the people could not properly identify the assailant or correctly recall details. Anyway, I don’t need to live by a religion to be a decent human being. Everyone deserves love and happiness, and following one religion does not mean that you are more entitled than anyone else. I believe that when you realize this, then you are able to think freely and logically without your religion governing everything you do and simply live morally and conscientiously.
Kristin Fletcher says
hear hear kate. props.
I whole heartedly agree with this blog & I am a 26 year old woman with Christ as the center of my life. I am going to school for a master’s degree, and have a lot of other things that I could use to say “independant woman”. However, this is the way God set up relationships to work. It is very interesting to me to read women saying this makes a woman a doormat. I beleive that God is the center of all things and should be the focus. Countless ways throughout the bible, God instructs MEN to be the leaders, leaders in church, leaders in homes, etc. the man is the leader of the home, and the man also finds a wife. If the man is doing all that he can to be a Christian God fearing man then the marriage should balance out if the woman is being the Christian woman God describes her to be in Proverbs 31. How many women in today’s world are Proverbs 31 women or are striving to be like that?
For me being this way in a marriage would not make me any less of a woman. I beleive God will put me with a man who is chist centered and can balance me out. When we let God control our lives and submit to him he does wonderful things. When we try to control our lives and relationships with pride manipulation anger etc we give power to the devil and the world. Maybe thats why so many marriages end up in divorce.
This is the most horribly sexist drivel I’ve ever heard from another woman. I’m willing to bet you’re one of those people that shouts about how horribly oppressed Muslim women are. Please, please realize that simply by saying things like this you’re doing the exact same thing. Oppression takes many forms, and this is a prime example of that. A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect. Don’t tell a woman that she she give in to her husband’s sexual advances simply because he’s in the mood. That’s not a whole lot better than rape.
And before you write me off as a man hating feminist (I am a feminist, don’t get me wrong), I happen to love and respect men, I just almost happen to love and respect myself. I also expect any man I’m in a relationship to respect me as much as I respect him, and I doubt you’re getting a whole bunch of real respect from your husband. You’re allowing your life to be controlled by a man. That’s not freedom, that’s not love. That’s Stockholm Syndrome.
Jennifer Flanders says
Stockholm Syndrome? Samantha, you really do not know what you are talking about. Your comments would be laughable if it weren’t for the fact that you believe them so blindly. My husband has not kidnapped or brainwashed me. I was of the conviction that a wife should respect her husband long before I ever met or married him, which explains why I was careful to marry a man who shared my values and would thus make the task easy. The 25 things I’ve written about in this article are not things that he demands from me, but are things that I willingly and cheerfully do for him because I do respect him and want to communicate that respect clearly. And you are wrong. This IS love, it IS freedom, and it is an infinitely better way to ensure mutual respect than the tit-for-tat “I’m not doing any of this for you until you do it all for me” method so many women have proposed in their comments.
You’re probably the most moronic human being I have ever come across on the internet. Your life is tragic.
Paula high says
I like and agree with most of these. The whole dress to please your spouse thing is a tricky one.
First, my husband tells me all the time that he thinks I look best in some old jeans/ sweats and a t-shirt, without make up. I’ve met many men who don’t care for make up & goofy fashion trends nearly as much as a lot of women believe they do. Blindly following advice without seeking out what pleases another doesn’t really help much. I’m pretty sure my marriage would be much worse off if I began spending our money on clothes, make up, and salon treatments without taking into account that my husband doesn’t care for that stuff.
However, I my main objection when women speak about how important it is to ‘dress up’ for their spouses is Proverbs 31:30 and 1 Peter 3:3-4. Certainly, I do not think there is anything wrong with getting dressed up for our spouses. However, I believe focusing on outwardly appearances in a marriage makes us succumb to wordly influences. As wives, we are the biggest assets to our husbands by our commitment to Christ and not by our looks or carnal capabilities. To me, those are things of the flesh! We benefit our husbands more by reading our Bibles, praying for our families, and studying to be loving, patient and kind than we do by dressing up and having sex on command.
I also think 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 is often times is misused by men to assert that they should get to have sex whenever and where they please. While I don’t think this is what you are saying here, I do believe that this is wrong. The scripture says not to deprive each other. Deprivation is not, in my opinion, saying you are not in the mood when you truly are not. Deprivation would be a lack of intimacy for a long term. The period of time is probably different for each couple, and again, blanket advice cannot address this issue. It’s something that needs to be taken into context of individual marriages and the needs of those individuals.
Personally, and perhaps I am wrong on this, I have always read 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 to mean that you shouldn’t deprive your spouse out of spite or neglect. If you never have the desire to have sex with your spouse, there is probably another underlying issue that should first be addressed.
So, in all, yes, this is a great list. However, ladies, you must be willing to communicate with God and your husband for guidance first!
By the way, when I say “long term” In our marriage, that’s a week or longer. But again, that may be different for different couples. My husband (though he would readily accpet sex at any point in time!) does not feel neglected if we go a week without it. I just felt I should put that out there if anyone reads my comment and wonders what I meant by that.
I agree with these comments to a point. To the point that a husband should take up the same rules to follow and honor his wife. It is then that you both will find a sense of peace known less and less in marriage. I am a full time working mom who IS the bread winner my husband and I are not perfect, however I truly do believe if used by both these statements above work. (Men have to slightly tweak their’s to “fit” the female Psyche). The biggest key in successful marriages is you BOTH must be willing to keep trying and working at it.
Jennifer, thank you so much for posting these 25 tips/ reminders. I am married 5 years now and can painfully remember times when I was not repectful to my husband. I am blessed with a wonderful godly man and I am so grateful that he just kept on loving me in spite of me..
Ladies.. be humble and take these points to heart. If you will.. you will not only grow in great favor with your man.. but with God as well. And believe me.. you want to have His favor.
This sounds hard and old fashioned when the wife works full-time and still carries the load of children and housework and the husband does not fully carry his load at home. He wants to be like this but he works and plays and does not Give wife much time or respect unless she does what he wants
I think this is right on the money! Maybe if more women would actually adhere to the most perfect fundamentals given to us by our God, marriage would actually prevail over all these needless divorces. I’ve have an amazing marriage going on 24 years, can honestly say I adhere to the principles above and could not be happier. I have two adult children who have seen a Godly marriage modeled before then and thank God they want nothing less for themselves! God is all knowing and we should seek after his perfect will and plan for our lives and let go of our own selfish goals and desires. Love your husbands ladies as God commands us to do. God is faithful and good…ALL the time!
This is a fabulous list of recommendations detailing how to treat any HUMAN BEING with respect. The fact that is composed categorically for husbands/males is evidence of the lack of RESPECT for women (scripturally). Religions have formatively taught women to deny their souls of their need for respect (see list). We don’t need two lists ladies…(like by her flowers for no reason at all…la, la, la). Respect is a necessary foundation for true love which many human beings never experience, married or not.
AmyAnn – yes. You said I was trying to say and was botching it up. A Christian woman is called to faithfully serve her neighbors, that is her husband and children, through her vocation of wife and mother. OF course any Christian is called to do serve her neighbor, love her neighbor of any sort in a way which does not break the commandments but loves the neighbor. Whining and complaining is not okay in any relationship. Bearing false witness, speaking poorly about any neighbor is just not okay. There is no exception. When we know in our hearts we have broken commandments we need to repent of those sins and ask forgiveness.
Mrs. Wilson says
Who wrote this???? I followed this “guidelines” and wow, was I ever treated like a doormat. The husband is to love his wife like Christ loves the church and would do anything for her. Period! I’m not talking about, “baby I want a 4 bedroom house we can’t afford, or a Mercedes we can’t afford”, I’m talking about placing his wife and her needs not wants above his own. Articles like these make women believe it is up to them to make a happy marriage and if her husband isn’t happy, then she needs to do whatever it takes, even if that means her self worth and happiness, to make her husband happy. I am married and by following these guidlelines, I have become more depressed, guilty, felt unworthy of love and not good enough. My self esteem is shattered. So let’s not forget that Men are commanded to LOVE YOUR WIFE AS CHRIST LOVES THE CHURCH. Start there and pieces would fall into place.
I have to add…(and again, a long response, sorry) I went back and read all of the posts…the women who think these are ridiculous suggestions are probably non-practicing Christians, non-believers or selfish (all the me, me, me…what do ‘ I ‘ get out of this, what about ‘my’ needs)! You are missing the point ladies…the point is NOT getting ANYTHING from this except God’s favor!!! The response about ‘I’m not gonna kiss him if I don’t feel like it just to please him’…THAT’S THE POINT…to PLEASE HIM so that you can glorify God with your actions!! MAKE yourself have a good attitude about it! Talk to your husband about his needs! And the sex thing…if you don’t want it but hubby does, you’re gonna say NO?? Ladies, let your husbands ROMANCE YOU!! Look, (and, I’m not trying to be gross or anything) but my husband does the weeny shake at me and then raises his eyebrows with that ‘you want some?’ look…I know you’ve all seen that! lol One night, I just wasn’t in the mood and the weeny shake wasn’t helping to turn me on!…but, here’s where communication comes in (yes, you can speak up!) I told him, ‘look honey, I love you, and I absolutely LOVE making love with you… but the weeny shake just doesn’t do it for me, you are gonna have to do better than that! I don’t care if you have to google ‘how to romance my wife’ but you gotta do better!’ He said, ok, and came and sat beside me on the couch for the rest of the evening. (I’m assuming because he had to think about what to do, because some husbands just aren’t good in the romancing area). BUT, Guess what? Next night, AMAZING! He did candles around the bathtub and made a bubble bath for me, had candles around the room, music playing, it was GREAT!! I wasn’t rude, I just told him in a loving way… what he could do… to help me… to please him! No man once to be intimate with a wife that isn’t interested! And I did get something out of it..and it was AWESOME!! And, this ’empowering women’ movement that’s been going on for, like, several decades…that is SOCIETY…NOT GOD! Men and women are NOT equals! God gives authority TO OUR HUSBANDS over us (to an extent)! STOP watching Oprah and reading those magazines that teach equality among the sexes!! Get your advice from God and not from the world! The world LIES! The bible clearly states that women have their roles and men have theirs! Yes, it is ok to work outside the home, yes, it is even ok to be the breadwinner! But DO NOT tout around like a peacock if you are the breadwinner, it’s prideful, that is a sin… and certainly don’t rub it in your husband’s face or state that ‘it’s MY money and I can spend it how I want to’ when he tells you not to buy something because it isn’t in the budget or he doesn’t feel your family needs it!! It’s emasculating to him and that doesn’t help your husband, it shows disrespect and is unfavorable to God! No man wants to be with a woman that doesn’t make him FEEL like a man! I don’t understand the women that are making it out to be about THEIR needs and desires when your job is to meet your HUSBAND’S needs and desires because God instructs you to do so! When my son got married, I told him…’Your wife comes before ANY OTHER relationship!! End of story! His younger brothers were always complaining to us that he doesn’t call as much or they don’t see him as much, and I explained to them that his wife comes first and that their’s should also!! Before a man even marries a women he should be sure he loves her (and of course, she should love him)! Divorce is not an option, and many women (and men) see it as an ‘easy way out’ of an unhappy relationship, when all they had to do was submit and commit to each other and let God lead their marriage. Look, my husband was a drug user, alcoholic and a big pot smoker! He did it behind my back and lied to me about it for YEARS!! Made promise after promise after promise that he would quit or that he had already quit..He wasn’t the abusive kind, I thank God for that, but it was out of control none the less! On the subject of protecting your husband’s honor and name…my husband would be high sometimes when we would go out to friends’/families’ houses…and they would ask what was wrong, why he was falling asleep at the table, or whatever…I would just tell them that the ‘medication’ he is on (for whatever injury) has some adverse effects! I wasn’t going to embarrass my husband by saying ‘he is high as a kite and he’s a drug addict and he won’t quit, and he lies, blah, blah’..besides, it was embarrassing for me enough as it was, I certainly wasn’t going to announce it to the ‘world’, that would have released a load of gossip…none good! When he finally went to rehab, the counselors told me that by not telling anyone what was going on that I was ‘enabling’ him and that’s why he continued because I wasn’t holding him accountable! Really? Well, for one, it IS NOT my job to hold him accountable for his actions…it’s GOD’S! Second, I told the counselor that I had a conflict because what they were asking me to do ‘as his wife’ and what God asks me to do as his wife are totally different! Guess what, I followed God’s teachings and we haven’t had a drug/alcohol problem for over 10 years! He regularly attends his AA meetings and we found a Christian counseling group that taught us how to handle this type of situation. It took an ENORMOUS effort on my part to get through this time in our lives, BUT, God was there for US! And with patience, love and kindness, we got through it! I invested so much time in him to get him on the right path, and he was and still is worth EVERY SECOND! Women in some groups have told me, ‘I would have left him’…well, I am a Christian wife and we don’t bolt at times when our husbands NEED US THE MOST!!! And many women (and men, do)! I still have 2 sons at home, and I talk to them all of the time about dating, guarding their hearts and leading their hearts (as opposed to following it) because the heart often lies! They know, from the bible’s teachings, what a Godly wife is, and I teach them that the relationship they have with their wife comes only second to their relationship with God! Society has screwed up women’s way of thinking! It has to always be about them and what they want and how they can RISE UP in the workplace! (yes, there are just as many men that are like that too, but as this post is about the WIVES and not the husbands, that is what’s being addressed!) If someone tells you…’as a wife you are expected to do this’…and you say..’well, what about my husband, what does he have to do?,,,why isn’t he being held accountable?’…Ladies, this isn’t about what your husband is suppose to be doing, it’s about what YOU are suppose to be doing! Worry more about yourself and less about your husband (let God worry about him) and you will see a change in yourself and your husband! It is sad to read the men’s responses about how their wives do not give them the respect, love, care and commitment that is expected, I will definitely be praying for you men that God speaks to your wives, so that they may understand how precious their husbands are!! And it is awful to see how many women just DON’T want to do the things on the list because they won’t get anything out of it!! Seriously?? That is SELFISH! I will pray for you that God speaks loudly and clearly to your hearts so that you can understand His reasoning behind his teachings! We all ‘want’ things, but the point of a Godly wife (or a Christian for that matter), is to ALWAYS put yourself LAST! You will be blessed for selfless, kind, genuine, anonymous acts of love!
Whew! Thank you AmyAnn for that post. You couldn’t be more right! I think the idea that life isn’t about us can be hard for people to accept at first, but it’s so true! Marriage shouldn’t be solely to satisfy ourselves and bring us happiness. Sure, those things come with it, but that’s not the purpose! I pray that we as women will get off of this “feminism” train that society is trying to promote and board the “feminism” train that God drives. Reading this article and the comments supporting it makes me feel thankful that there are still women actively seeking to become the wives God has called us to be. 🙂
Wallhanging Patterns says
It is true that you should communicate utter respect to your husband because he is the man you are going to spend your entire life with, someone who loves you and will always be at your side. Thank you so much for the tips.
First of all, I want to apologize in advance for this LONG response… 😀 second, this is great advice…for CHRISTIAN women…all the women complaining about how they don’t want to be a door mat, or be taken advantage of, why should I do for him when he doesn’t do for me, blah, blah, blah…if you are not a TRUE Christian, then yes, this probably sounds ridiculous! HOWEVER, for Christian wives, the bible has a specific set of standards set up when it comes to being a Godly wife! The first one is, you respect your husband’s POSITION as the head of the household, even if your HUSBAND doesn’t deserve your respect, his position over the household does deserve it, as God has given our husbands authority over us (not 100%, as God is the only one with 100% authority over us)! The only time you do not listen to your husband is if he asks you to sin. Your job, as a wife, is to be obedient, serving, loving, etc., because God expects that of YOU! If you are confused, read Ephesians 5:22-32, it will explain! The respect you show for your husband is NOT for HIM…it is for YOU! God expects it of YOU! Your husband has to answer to God for HIS actions, good or bad! I say again, your HUSBAND has to ANSWER TO GOD for his actions!! What will you have to answer to? What will you tell God when he questions you about respecting your husband’s authority? About how you loved him or showed love for him? About what you did to/with the husband that He gave you? God has entrusted YOUR HUSBAND TO YOU! It is your job, as a wife, to live up to those expectations! Yes, it is hard sometimes (or most of the time), but so is forgiveness, humility, humbleness, patience (especially if you have children), etc. All of these things are lessons that God teaches us, wives! NO WIFE on here can post that they are a TRUE Christian if they are NOT following God’s word to the letter!! His word is absolute, His expectations are clearly laid out in the Bible, you can not call yourself a Christian if you are just picking and choosing the things in the Bible that YOU want to do or follow! It’s all or none! And the one thing that the Bible clearly states for wives is that the husband is head of the household and you are to submit to him. That DOES NOT mean that if you are in an abusive relationship (either physically or emotionally) that you should just sit there and take it! You CAN leave! But then, you will need to pray or seek spiritual advice or counseling to get you through the next step! God certainly does not condone abuse in a marriage and there are always exceptions and a Christian counselor or minister, priest, whatever, can help you through whatever it is your needs are. But for the rest of us wives who have ‘normal’ marriages, (those that aren’t abusive but maybe you feel you aren’t getting what you need from your husband) the bottom line is, your job as a wife is to follow God’s instructions on how to be a Godly wife…your husband has to do his part on his own! Yes, marriage is a partnership, and no, it’s no fun if you are doing all the work, but, you should be worried about YOUR actions and behavior and how they will glorify God, and worry less about your husbands actions!! When it comes down to it, at least you will have faith in knowing that YOU will be in God’s favor, and that is more important than any gripe or complaint about some stupid thing your husband did or didn’t do (and yes, sometimes they do alot of those)!! But, your husband’s actions/behaviors will not matter to God when it comes to YOU, it will only matter what YOUR thoughts and actions were to the particular situation! (Remember, your husband has to answer to God for HIS own actions/behaviors) Ladies, do this for yourselves, we all deserve to be Glorified by God. (ps…I have been married for 23 years, yes, to the same man, we have children and grandchildren…I am not a ‘God Freak’ but I am [constantly working on my duties as] a Christian wife! It isn’t always sunshine and rainbows but you have to take the bad with the good!) Please take the time and learn what is expected of you and follow through..for most of you…you will be surprised at your husband’s response to your change. DON’T try to force God’s expectation of husbands ON your husband (especially, if he is a non-believer), but don’t be surprised, that if, say, he catches you reading about how to become a better wife, and when he asks what you are doing, you simply tell him the truth! “I am trying to learn how to be a more Godly wife to you!” He may blow you off, but that isn’t important, it’s important for you to continue Glorifying God! But then again, your husband, just might surprise you! What have you got to lose (other than God’s favor)??
I have never replied on a blog before, but I saw this on pinterest and it caught my eye. I was a little upset by a few of the comments here and feel the need to help with the miscommunication. I have been married for almost 7 months (with my husband a total of 6 years), but I do agree with the writer’s 25 points. However, I take it as being two-sided as well. I went to a marriage class that my church was doing and all of these points (and attached scriptures) were addressed to BOTH of us. For example, making meals is not one sided. I try to make his favorites and in return he tries his hardest to make me mine. Every single point that was written here he and I try to do for each other and together. This certainly isn’t directed strictly towards woman (although the title is misleading). My husband always tells me that I am the most independent woman he’s known. I currently am the “bread-winner” being a pharmacist (ironically also homeschooled my whole life and graduated high school at 15), but also do the household chores and cooking because he is in graduate school. I hardly feel like I am his doormat. He is a Godly man who treats me like a princess. I just feel like the title was misleading and maybe should have read “25 Ways to Communicate Respect to your Spouse” because all those points truly are for us all.
Jennifer Flanders says
I agree that most of these points should go both ways, Alicia, and I am glad that you are married to a man who obviously understands and acts on that fact. Unfortunately, there are many wives who have decided they are NOT going to do any of this stuff for their husbands until their husbands do the same things for them. For those who are married to men who are just as stubborn as they are, they’ll be waiting a long time. Somebody has to make the first move.
Brett Jones says
As a married man I have to agree with the original post and quite a few of the previous responses. I know that this list of ways to show your husband respect and love sounds like you may be his foot stool especially if you don’t get it in return. I have been married for 18 months and it has been the most difficult 18 months of my entire life!! I often wish that my wife would do these things for me. Some of them more than others. I even put a list of ways my wife could show me love and respect together for (at her request) and a lot of these things were on that list. I don’t think she even gave it a second look. I asked her for the same in return so that I could love and respect her in ways that would impact her heart but she never gave it to me. This is very disheartening. So now I am in the position to love her as Christ loves the church without getting what I desire in return. And I tend to mess that up a lot!! Which doesn’t help her want to respect me. I think that the idea of helping each other by giving a list of ways you will receive love and respect is a great idea, that way your not guessing or swinging in the dark. But it does take two to make things work. The hard part is enduring through if your spouse is not willing to work with you. I have found myself not feeling love for her because I don’t feel like she is in love with who I am. That may sound shallow but I feel invaluable to her. Like I don’t bring anything positive to her life. That is not how marriage should be. Marriage should be beautiful. I know if my wife would do some of these things it could start our fire again. But I don’t want her to do it because she is told this is what she needs to do to be a good wife. I want her to do it because she loves me. These 25 ways to show your husband respect and love are great points. But they are not a list of demands. And it is not a guaranteed fix for a relationship. But I don’t know how I could not be madly in love with my wife is she made it a point to try and do these things for me. I know my personal motivation is to put my wife before myself even if I don’t agree with her. The bible says we are to submit to one another, and to stay away from quarrels. I hope this post helps someone see it from a male perspective. Remember this isn’t a list of demands.
Wow tanks man of God ur words came at d right time
Carol J. Alexander says
I tried to find a contact link to ask you this privately, but can you tell me where you found the quote from Ruth Graham. I’d like to use it in an article I’m writing. “tell your mate the positive, and tell God the negative”
Jennifer Flanders says
I don’t know the original source of the quote, Carol, but I first saw it cited by Bob Barnes on p. 25 of his book, What Makes a Man Feel Loved
Excellent post. When I stop focusing on what my husband needed to change and look at my bad areas it made a world of difference. This post has nothing to do when men, it has everything to go with us as women. We have to let go of pride and follow the word even if others don’t agree. I do this to show my love to Christ, my first love. And to help my second love, my husband. Keep the wonderful work up !!!!!
Sekou Rubadiri says
Amen, and amen! If more of the naysayers focused on the issue in this manner, they’d understand what’s being communicated and ‘get it!’ It’s not about subservience and dominance, it’s about drawing out the natural God-given instincts in a man to SERVE when he is respected! A good-willed man shown respect JUMPS up to serve and show love and affection in response! Well written in the book, and more than that…….the truth! It will blow your mind how quickly a man will ‘love’ his wife (in every way imaginable, and desire to do so)! And I am a man writing this!
The word of God teaches women to obey their husbands; however, it also teaches men to treat their wives as a fragil vessel and to love them as they love themselves and as Christ Loves His Church. In Proverbs we get an explanation of a virtuous woman and she does not sound like a doormat but more like a strong pillar of a home. You love and serve and respect your husband as you would do yourself or others. It’s is not set on stone that we have to be doormats to them. If I have a great man he will do the same in return. If you married a not so good man well of course you cannot be under his feet. In that case there is no trying. The sad part and I’ve seen it over and over again is that some men take the scriptures and twist it to abuse their wives and mistreat them. That’s not right and no woman should allow that but that’s a different story.
This post is not so bad and I don’t think is meant offend women’s dignity if you see the big picture. If we don’t wanna be this way to the man we love than why marry him or why live with him.
In my case I have a man that treats me like a queen and tested and proved if I disrespect him he will lash back and it’s just human nature just as if he disrespects me I’m going to fight back.
The key word here is ‘BALANCE’! And trust in God because He did not make mistakes when He gave us His word!
I believe this is a wonderful list of things to demonstrate to your husband (as well as values to keep near your heart), however, I have some conflicting feelings as well. I do not believe as women we should submit physically to our husbands against our wishes/desires. Men are very interested in the physical aspects of marriage and do sometimes need our guidance to keep that desire in check! We do have other things we need to accomplish at times!I I also don’t feel the husband should always be the decision maker. What if his decision is morally wrong? My husband has been in jail twice this year, and if I had followed him I would have been there too leaving no one to care for our 2 year old son. So far I have taken the lead as the final decision maker because he has proved he isn’t capable of the job….not because I wanted to. I would love a response(s) from some like minded individuals who might be able to shed some light on my concerns or offer some new insights.
Our world is changing daily, last I looked woman could still be elected president. It’s an equal respect for each other. My husband and I have that for each other. We are both professionals, working full-time careers, and raising our children TOGETHER!
I do not agree. The woman was created as the man’s helper. If you are ALSO working fulltime in an enormous career, can you really help him and the children in the way you should? I am also highly qualified but decided to put my career on hold. Not forever, but when our children are small. Be honest with yourself. Someone else is raising your children. I believe if women would know their place, marriages and children in our ‘changing days’ will not be in the state they are.
last I looked woman could still be elected president
Women have been eligible to be elected president, since 1788 when the Constitution ratified. The Constitution limits the presidency by age, citizenship, and residency, but not by sex.
It’s true that women in most states did not get the VOTE until the Republicans passed the 19th amendment in 1920. But voting is different from running for, or holding office. There has NEVER been a Constitutional limitation on women running for President, or Congress either.
The first woman to run for Congress — unsuccessfully, but lawfully — was the Republican antislavery activist Elizabeth Cady Stanton of New York, in 1866. Though she could not legally vote, she could legally run.
So, in theory, we could have had a woman President long ago.
I apologize ahead of time if I offend anyone, I don’t mean to. But, it really makes me sad, the way, we, in this country and probably some other countries, tell women to behave. We don’t need to have 25 items. Three to five items would tell what God wants. The other things in the lists were overkill. Are we trying to punish wives for being wives? Are we trying to overwhelm wives? It’s almost not worth it for a Christian female to get married, if we are going to overload her this way. Where is her time for her baby and bigger children. You all have her so foused on her husband that she will need to hire someone to do all the other things that a woman has to do. How can a wife follow a man to the door to kiss him, when she is breastfeeding the newborn or getting the children fed for school, or if she is the one going to work and he is off for the day, is he to follow her to the door?
. I want all discouraged wives who read this, to know that, Satan works to discourage women, and that one way he works, is by allowing people to create unfair lists that are human made doctrines. God doesn’t tell us all these things in the Bible, like walking a man to the door to kiss him. Women who are God fearing and wise know that there is a movement to always blame and scold the wife. The movement wants to overwhelm and stress the woman who already has the world on her shoulders, dealing with female issues from puberty to menopause. We must be realistic with these lists. For example giving him your undivided attention, when you are holding your child’s head while she is throwing up, or trying to get the baby to latch on to your breasts, or when you are cramping. Only a selfish man would expect for his wife to give him attention at these times. People we must be fair and realistic!
What we could do is make a list for husband and wife, that talks about the husband being a loving leader of his wife. We already know what God says about husband and wife, let us not stretch the list and add a bunch of husband “worship” stuff. It is not right!!
I agree with Raven.. I find it pretty irresponsible to give women the idea that if you do this and that then everything will work well because of what you do. Women and men alike are abused by their spouse and it is grievous and down right unbearable. I totally agree with Raven. I wouldn’t want to be the man as having the responsibility to love and care for their wives is hard as both are sinful, but it is what he is called to do.
Although nicely written I have to say a lot of things were taken out of context from the bible. If you read your bible God never had to tell a women to love her husband ever! But God had to remind men several times to love your wife. Women don’t need to be told all that if a women isn’t doing the above things then the responsibility lies on the husband, he isn’t doing something right. A man is the head of a house.
Raven, just to clarify you might should look up Titus 2:4 where God says that younger women are to be taught to love their husbands. Obviously God knew we needed this teaching!!
If I show this list to my wife and she refuses to take this GODLY advice and adjust her behavior what should I do? My wife is very confrontational and argumentative. She does not show me appreciation or respect. I went and checked the list for husbands and I fit that list well. I am in a marriage where my needs are not being met. I ignored this for 2+ years, but now that I realize our marriage is not Biblically correct I am very concerned. Divorce is now an option for me.
The reason why divorce is granted is when either of the parties has a hard heart. If she is not willing to change then I do not think I will have any choice.
Jennifer Flanders says
I think your marriage will fare better and you will find more happiness and satisfaction in it if you will mentally take divorce back off the table and (re)commit yourself to loving your wife for better or worse. Rather than focusing on all the things that you think she should be doing that she is not doing, try focusing on the areas in which you yourself could stand some improvement. Look over my husband’s list, 25 Ways to Show Love to Your Wife, and do those things until they become a habit. Treat your wife with love and compassion and understanding, not because she deserves it, but because that is what God requires of you. Do it as a way to honor Him. He alone can change your wife’s heart, but He may be waiting to do that until you let Him change yours.
what about woman, we don’t need the same respect?, what if we do everything right but they don’t do their part? it’s no so easy being a couple…
Rachel Self says
One thing that is for sure is that if we’re focused on what our husband should or shouldn’t do for us, then we aren’t focused on treating him the way he should be treated. Love him, focus on him. He’ll respond much better to love & respect from us, than from arguing, complaining, & nagging. That’s just common sense. We aren’t responsible for how he treats us. We ARE responsible for how we treat him!
One of the two greatest commandments Jesus gave his disciples was to love you neighbor as yourself. Our neighbors includes our partner. And the golden rule is to do to / for others what you want them to do to/ for you. Take the lead in showing love and kindness. Love you enemy and pray for them. God’s council is perfect. He knows what we need to be happy and successful because he created us.
This is the most ridiculous thing I have read. What about the things a husband should do for his wife? Pretty much we should all be stepford wives and live by the hand of our spouse? What a load of crock.. If you dont argue with your husband, you dont resolve anything with your husband. Granted, there are some things on here that make sense. Like no cheating, be close with him, etc. my husband is my best friend
Thank you so much for this post. I have realized that I have not been respecting my husband, but unfortunately only after talk of divorce, separation, and a visit to a counselor. As a dedicated Christian, I wonder how I could have been so blind? When we talked about this, he simply said, “That’s just who you are. Everyone knows you tell me what to do, my friends, family, everyone says that my wife controls me.” I’m hoping that as rediscovering how our relationship is supposed to work, we will heal. It’s really sad that I could not even think of how to show him respect, and had to google it. Thank you for writing this.
Tamatha Hughes says
Wow thank you thank you…I will be using this often and the bible verses are a plus for sure…we are newlyweds but been together off and on for 9 years but I want more for our marriage and I know I need a guide to help me achieve this and the bible and your scripture references will help me to be a great wife to my husband….
Jennifer, I am concerned about the top comment, here, regarding Joy. This jerk of an abuser just uses her more. Perhaps she should do all these spiritual things but also state to him what she does not like ( in life ) and what she will not tolerate. Something is off balance here with her relationship. And not your advise…..
Shawn Golden says
Jennifer, I just stumbled upon your blog yesterday and have read thru many of the post, as well as your husbands. Debi Pearl’s book is one of my favorites that I have shared with many friends. I was married at the age of 18 and now at the age of 38 and many life lessons later, I can honestly say that had I been living this way from the beginning that my life would have taken a different turn. I cannot put into words the joy and fullfillment that I get from giving my husband this kind of love and respect. It allows him to love me the way that I desire to be loved and cherished. Thank you for this post.
I understand how many women would feel this approach is archaic however, I live by most of these rules and I live a very happy, very fulfilling life with my husband. I am a full-time professional who works outside the house. Our children are out of the house (we’ve been married 22 years) and there’s only the two of us. I’ve actually found him more helpful now that our youngest is moved out. Our marriage is based on mutual respect. I don’t immasculate him and he doesn’t try to suppress me. In public, he is the head of our household but we both know our marriage is equal. I agree it may not work if you don’t truly love and respect each other, though. I have a wonderful husband who didn’t have positive male role models but is the most amazing man I’ve ever met. I know for certain there is no in this world who could love me the way he does.
Good luck to those of you who try to implement a few changes. You’ll be amazed how much of a reaction you’ll get if you give a simple “thank you” for helping with some type of chore.
I don’t agree with much of this list. Particularly 10, 17 and 25. You should only have sex/hug/kiss whatever if you truly want to, not to please someone else. I certainly do not need to be at the beck and call of my man for his physical desires. Neither should have to perform physically unless they want to. I also think a person should dress how they want to, and if that involves dressing just for their husband so be it. As for the last point, why can’t the wife be the main decision maker? Men aren’t naturally better decision makers because they’re men.
Overall, this list just feels too 1950s subservience to me. Women and men should both be treated equally with dignity and respect. This list just feels like women only exist to please their husbands, which is not the case.
I am a very happily married woman and I absolutely agree with some of these suggestions. However, what ever happened with the idea of a woman dressing to please herself, of keeping a tidy house because that is the way SHE likes it… I’m all for respecting your husband, because I surely respect mine, but really ladies? And if you can’t complain out loud to your husband then who can you, (other than God of course)? This seems more like bowing down… And as far as #25… in our house we discuss things and then come to a mutual decision… If anything I get the final say… That’s just what works for us. I say do what works for you as a couple and a family and you will have a successful and happy marriage…
Mocheko samuel Ngoasheng says
Yes thanks for the 25 ways to communicate respectfully,unfortunately none of this my wife is doing on me and it pain me thinking that im married the wrong person.she is a bonafied Christian who does not listen to anyone or take anybodys suggestions.
Nice to hear from a man. In africa this is what a woman is taught when getting married, but like all african traditions are being dissed for western philosophy, which is not particularty good for us or pays any respect for the almighty
This will always be my issue with these lists: your husband is supposed to love you, and you’re supposed to respect your husband? Where is the respect coming from your husband? Where is the love for him? We don’t have duties, we’re not coworkers. Marriage needs respect on both sides, and love on both sides. And yeah, if I’m not horny, I’m not going to have sex. So sorry if that offends.
I have found what works for me is when I show respect and love, it’s shown and given in return. If you’re the one who’s always waiting for someone to do it first, you may be waiting a long time.
One of the reasons for being specific on respect for men and love for women is: Women tend to feel respected when they are loved, men tend to feel loved through being respected. (And my husband and I have learned that there is a difference between sex and intercourse… 😉 Sometimes just the effort on my part to acknowledge his physical need for release truly means the world to him.)
I seriously offend like half of these things, so what do I do to change it? I have no idea where to even begin but I would like to be different so that I can have a peace of mind.
Jennifer Flanders says
If your relationship is such that you can talk openly to your husband about this matter, then let him know that you realize there is a problem and that you are committed to change, have him read the list, ask which areas he thinks you should tackle first, and let him hold you accountable with a gentle reminder when you revert back to your old habits (which will undoubtedly happen until you are able to establish new ones).
If the communication with husband is not so good now, then prayerfully consider which areas are most in need of improvement, make a checklist of the ones you are going to concentrate on first (maybe just pick two or three at a time for starters), write out a plan as to how you hope to accomplish these, and record your progress each day.
For things like kissing your husband goodbye, your written plan might read: “Get up before time for him to leave, brush my teeth so my breath is fresh, walk him to the door when he’s ready to go, tell him I hope he has a great day, and plant one on him before he leaves for work.” Once it’s done, you can check that one off for the day, then forget about it until it’s time to do it again tomorrow.
Do the same for goals like praying for your husband, complimenting him, dressing in clothes and cooking meals he likes, etc. List them in a column on a piece of graph paper, put S M T W T F or write the dates across the top, and check off each one daily just as soon as it is done. Those are the easy ones.
For things like not arguing or nagging, honoring his wishes, remaining joyful and content, add those goals to your list, too, and do your best, by God’s grace, to establish new habits in areas of struggle, but don’t check any of them off until bedtime, then think back over the day. Did you remain joyful? Check that off and thank God for a day of victory in that area. Did you complain bitterly when your husband did something you didn’t like? Then leave the box by “don’t complain” blank for today, and try to do better tomorrow. Think through the situation that caused you to stumble and map out a plan — in your mind at least, or on paper if possible — of how you should have responded and the precise steps you will take next time you are faced with the same trigger to ensure that you react in the desired way.
This is the most effective way I know to exchange bad habits for good ones. If you are serious about making radical changes in the way you relate to your husband and you like to read, I would highly recommend the book The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. It is a broad book (not specifically about marriage, but certainly applicable to your situation) that is both fascinating and inspiring. If you aren’t up to reading the 400-page original, you might try The Power of Habit …in 30 Minutes, which is touted as “A Concise Summary of Charles Duhigg’s Bestselling Book.”
Start with one you think will be the easiest for you. It’s not always easy but like everything, it’ll soon become a habit and you’ll find you’ve changed. When you revisit the list, you may even find you’ve already started doing something else without even realizing. I don’t have the perfect marriage but I believe it’s as close as many can get. It takes both of us to keep it going but someone always has to be the first to initiate change.
my wife says
Truth be told, marriage is not the most important relationship in your life anyway. Far from it. The relationship you have with your children is the most important. That is where the real responsibility lies. Personally, I think a spouse has more to do with karma than anything else. It’s about lessons. So, in that respect, yes, marriage is important but it is not like the unconditional love you have for your children.
Jennifer Flanders says
Our relationship with our children is enhanced and strengthened when we cultivate a loving, supportive relationship with their father. I do not believe in Karma, but I certainly believe the law of sowing and reaping. We should not be planting seeds of selfishness, bitterness, hatred, and disrespect if we are hoping to harvest a life full of love, respect, happiness, and contentment.
I think we can be different (which we definitely are!) but still equal. The fact that one is good at something and the other good at something else is proof of equality (IMO). THAT is where there should be a leader and a follower. We all have our God-given talents. When one spouse’s talent is needed then that person should be the leader in that situation. Gender doesn’t apply.
When I got married, I was told that if you treat your husband like a king, he will treat you like a queen. The more you show him love and respect, he will return it to you. I was also told, marriage is not 50-50. Marriage is 100-100. You give 100% and don’t worry about him. He sees you give your all, and he’ll give it his all. You do your best. It comes back to you. I learned these lessons the hard way. But it works and works well. Also, I’ve learned to kept my mouth shut. Or I should say, keep quiet. Sometimes he says or does something dumb, like all men. And I give him time to breathe. Then he usually comes back and either says you’re right or sorry and I just smile. Why argue? Sure, I speak up with the super important things, let my opinion known. When he was decided whether or not to go into business with famly, I told him that I thought it was a bad idea (in nicer words) but that he should do what he feels is right. I gave it time, didn’t argue, and within six months… new job and not speaking with his brother anymore. To which then he came to me and said I was right. Then found a better job.
Also, I found that when you leave your pre-conceived notions of men and women being equal, it helps. Men and women are not equal, they are completely different. One is not better, just different. Everyone has things they are good or bad at, and their partner is there to help.
I live in a home without yelling and screaming. (Only about doing homework.) My husband and I show respect for eachother and the children know it. When the kids go to visit their friends, they are happy to live in a home like ours’.
Sara, you are a wise woman in my humble opinion. The angry women just don’t get it. I am a husband of 20 years. There are always exceptions to everything, and circumstances that don’t fit the mold of a general conversation such as this. But in general, if a husband feels loved and respected, he will do ANYTHING for his wife. We will worship the ground you walk on. Men and women are not the same. To the feminists, yes, of course, a male being and a female being are of equal value to the universe. The “equal” thing that women whine about however is based on selfishness. I don’t know a happily married man that doesn’t put his wife’s needs above his own. “Equal” and “fair” is for sports teams; but that mentality has no place in a marriage. BOTH spouses should be selfless in their thoughts of the other.
We men are simple creatures. Most of us have very few, and very basic needs. They want to feel respected and desired by their wives. I truly think that if women stopped keeping points, and provided their husband with genuine love, desire, and respect…..they would look back in a few months and think, “wow, where has this amazing husband been”. Again, husbands will do anything for a wife that loves and respects them. If a woman’s husband doesn’t do everything he can to make her happy, you either A) Have a selfish husband that needs to be smacked, or B) You have not given him the love and respect that he needs. More often than not, it’s the latter. Men want to sacrifice themselves for their families. We often view our success as men with the happiness we can bring to our wife and children. Allow us to fulfill this for you. Respect us, desire us, and even romance us. Then you’ll get anything you want from us, and we will love every minute of serving you.
To the women reading this, if you will take only one thing from what I have said, please take this: You know how they say if you’re selling a car, the cheapest and fastest way to increase it’s value is a new paint job? Here’s the paint job for your marriage….Desire your husband. Look up the word. Look up the meaning. Desire him mentally and physically/sexually. It will change your life. I promise it will. It can turn a selfish man into a giving man. It can completely re-engage a husband who has become emotionally distant. It’s the number one thing you can do for us….more important than any other single thing. In fact, if you do everything else perfect but lack the “desire” portion of your marriage, forget it. Men need it. Women reading this can send me hate-mail if they want, but I would encourage you to “not shoot the messenger”. I speak the truth.
Wow, I sure went on a rampage….sorry. Again, Sara, great comments :}
Well, your eldest truly does sound like a beautiful soul! I totally respect what she has accomplished and bet she is a joy to be around. Good job, mama! My youngest daughter has autism and it is extremely important to me that she understands (somehow, some way) that she is just as valuable and important as everyone else…man or woman. And, there are a few things that you mentioned in your list that I wholeheartedly agree with. Don’t interrupt people? Right on! That applies to everyone and is just common courtesy. Resist the urge to correct? Amen! My husband does that to me all the time and in all honesty, I’ve done it to him too. And what does that accomplish? I get to be right while I make someone I love feel bad about themselves? So. Not. Cool. There are things we should all do for each other as decent, loving human beings. Everyone deserves respect. I think that’s what The Golden Rule is all about. And, hey, that’s the perfect segue into why I have such a problem with #25. It implies that the man’s view is somehow more important and how can you be doing for others as you would have them do for you if one person is “better”? I just don’t get that at all. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to post my feelings instead of censoring me because you disagree with my views, Jennifer. I totally respect that.
I think that #25 really means that many times (not my father!) the husband likes to feel that he is the one with the final say. But that the wife is there to help him come to that conclusion. My husband’s grandmother used to tell me to make him “feel” like the final say was his idea. But I like tohink that I help him there without being sneaky about it. When my son’s school closed and we needed to find a new school for him, my husband wanted one school and of course I wanted a different school. Without arguing, without nagging, I just pointed out certain aspects of who we are as a couple and a family. I let him talk to people. And think about it. I did firmly say, “I believe this is the right school, but if you feel the other school is right, we will do it.” But with that, he understood my respect for his decisions and where I stood on the matter. And “he decided” (we) on the school I wanted. And now, 1 1/2 years later is still happy with “his” decision. I mean, I have to add, I’m not one for confrontation or yelling or screaming. But, on little matters, I nod and smile. When something big comes up, and I really say something, he listens because I don’t just start in with every little thing. Anyway, I was once a feminist living NYC as an artist. Then I “saw the light”, life is happier and much more peaceful. Sometimes it comes back to me, like at carpool time. But with my relationship with my husband, in Hebrew, I have “Shalom Bais”, a peaceful home, I couldn’t ask for anything else.
I find this to be one of the most offensive, embarrassing pieces of junk that I have ever had the displeasure of reading. I don’t know if the writer has any daughters but if so, I pray that they have a strong female role model somewhere in their lives so they can learn how to respect themselves and not be their husband’s doormat!
Darn! I feel pretty bad upon re-reading my post. 🙁 While I DO mean what I said, I didn’t mean to sound so harsh about it. If the writer does have daughters I am sure she is doing the best she can for them as I am for mine. My apologies. I am passionate about empowering women so I get a bit riled up about these things.
Jennifer Flanders says
Thank you, Cee. I accept your apology and appreciate your writing to offer it. As it happens, I do have daughters — four of them, ages 22, 13, 11, and 2. Only the oldest is out of the nest, but we are raising her sisters with the same values and worldview. Although you and I obviously disagree about what it means to be empowered as a woman, I cannot help but think you would approve of the way that oldest daughter has turned out. She was homeschooled for elementary, junior high, and high school, but graduated at 16, spent one summer studying political theory at Cambridge, another studying Spanish in Costa Rica, and another working as an Au Pair in Qatar. She attended a local junior college on full scholarship, where she worked as a biology lab assistant and tutored calculus and physics. She later transfered to Texas A&M and there taught supplemental instruction classes in organic chemistry before graduating Magna Cum Laude at age 20. She spent six months working with handicapped children in Nepal, then returned to the States to teach at college level for a year before beginning dental school, where she is currently. She is one of the most empowered women I’ve ever met. Her power comes from above, and it enables her to live a life of service to others with a heart of humility, full of love and compassion for those less fortunate. She is beautiful inside and out, and she is going to make an amazing wife and mother someday. The world needs more women like her.
Don’t feel bad, I agree with you whole-heartedly. And being direct & straight to the point doesn’t make you rude. You didn’t sound harsh at all 🙂 Just very sure of yourself.
Tara Snider Leikness says
Yes, some of these suggestions sound…one-sided. But, I think if you start with a respectful relationship where your husband is also thinking of you, these suggestions lose some of their edges. As I read these ideas I thought, “That sounds a little weird”. But, when I thought about it, they were things that I already do because my husband is my best friends and lover. Also, some of these ideas do seem to come from a “stay at home mom” perspective. I only work part-time so I still do the majority of the housework, but my husband doesn’t complain if I don’t get to everything every day. If I feel like I need extra help, I ask. The bit about sex seemed silly to me, but…I love to be with my husband. He needed to be a bit more understanding when we had babies and small children, but that time of our lives is behind us and we both have a little more time and energy for each other. Anyway, I think it comes from a good place with good foundation.
I couldn’t even read the whole thing. It made me so sad. It’s as if a woman can’t have thoughts or emotions that she can express. Be an intelligent, engaging, honest, moral woman
and that should be enough.
Jennifer Flanders says
Behaving in a loving and respectful way towards one’s husband does not preclude being intelligent, engaging, honest, and moral. Nevertheless, those virtues alone do not guarantee a happy marriage. I have known several women who, despite having many other praiseworthy qualities, are decidedly and insufferably disrespectful toward their husbands, much to their shame.
Are their other “praiseworthy qualities” things like not gossiping about or judging others on a public forum? Go and find a scripture that says gossiping about, judging your neighbor, then cursing them with shame isn’t a sin. You’ll find lots about pride, that I can guarantee.
Jennifer Flanders says
Naming names would be gossiping. Speaking in broad generalities is giving an object lesson — a lesson I’m hoping will hit a nerve in readers who share the same character flaw.
i could swear there was some bible verse about judging…and you exhibit no shame in doing so.
I couldn’t read the whole thing either, but that’s because my relationship chooses Honesty instead of faking happy. I also have a successful career. We work as a team to keep our home going and never place gender stereotypes on our children. This doesn’t fit for me, but its cool if others love the 1950s wife routine. Everyone is entitled to their own life. This isn’t mine nor is it a lot of people commenting, but to each their own.
Liz Toner says
As a former feminist, I have struggled with my nine year relationship with my husband. For a long time we fought about respect and honor in our house. I felt I was entitled to a lot, and so did he. At the end of our ropes and ready for divorce we gave our marriage to God. Willing to try anything, as our last try. That was nearly two years ago, and this is a concept I have just started to embrace. I fought it for awhile, saying things like, “it takes two” and “He should respect me first” But what I learned is that all I can do worry about is me, and my walk with God. If He tells me to respect my husband no matter what, and do it with a good attitude, and whole heartedly, than that is what I should do. We are to give respect to our Husbands because it’s in the bible, and the Lord will honor us for that. I appreciate this post, and I look at it often. I want to show my husband respect, even when he doesn’t deserve it, because not doing so is prideful. To think I know better than the creator of all things…its prideful, and showing Husband respect is in retrospect showing God respect. Thank you for posting this, and keep up the great work. You have inspired me, and many other wives! Thank you
deb moore says
omg this is the most redicoulus thing that i have ever read in my life.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AGREE!! It’s one thing to be a good communicator, but being his slave is something else all together.
Sorry, but my world doesn’t revolve around him, and his shouldn’t revolve around mine, either!!
I wonder how many marriages some of these ladies have been thru that don’t agree with this!
Ladies, how can u call yourselves Christians if you don’t follow this simple advise?
Yes it works both ways
its sad that some people on here are saying that this stuff is archaic. you should expect your husband to do all the same for you. just because you do your best to make your husband happy, doesnt mean you are a door mat. when you get married do you say ” my husband and me” or do you say “we”? you are partners. you are now one soul. you do to him what you want done to you. you don’t want your husband to manipulate you, you want your husband to actually think about what you want and not just dismiss it, you want your husband to pay attention to you, you don’t like it when you are interrupted, you don’t want your husband pointing out your flaws, you want him to pray for you, you don’t want your husband telling you how to do your job, your husband should be thankful he has you, smiles do spread happiness, when you are rebuffed when you want some it makes you feel unwanted, what would you do if your husband was eyeing another woman? why wouldn’t you kiss your husband goodbye? it makes you feel special when your husband makes your favorite food, your husband should cherish every moment with you, i know every woman hates it when there husband whines about something. the last time my husband corrected my grammar, i gave him an ear full, i don’t like it when my husband doesn’t shave, so he shaves because thats what i like, i love it when my house is clean, and i sure as heck don’t mow the yard, you should be happy with what you have, when you give your husband your opinion, you want him to think about it. i love it when my husband compliments me. you get my point (this is too much to type) we all want this for ourselves, why shouldn’t we give the same to our husbands?
Right, it is sad that people are posting these things are “archaic”. The funny thing you said was that we should expect our husbands to do the same for us, well i have one thing to say about thar, “ha-ha”. Your one of the lucky ones where you have a “50/50” relationship and it all works out accordingly. Well let me just tell you there are men out there who are down right nasty people at heart. All the husband wants is for you to be quiet and make him food, as well as household chores and maybe you have to work too. No respect, no equality, so for what i have to say for myself is: I will Always stand up for myself and always keep what i think is true and right coming right outta my mouth. “teach him respect with no words” bahahaha.
Good verses to live by. However it takes two, to make the relationship work. You will end up feeling like a doormat if your husband doesn’t respect you or love you like he should. I did these things for years with an unloving husband. It just gave him more control and the emotional abuse led to me having a breakdown.
Janelle Banners says
I agree with you 100%. In this day and age when women often times make more money than the husband, the husband needs to do things on equality. Love eachother, do not be fake because you feel it will make for a better marriage. A man needs to respect his wife, trust her and not always find fault with her.. Love her like she is the only woman on earth. Cherish her and love her especially if she has given you children. Cherish her always.. Love is not a one way street, it has two lanes with many intersections.. Be mindful in loving and respecting each other.
Maya Topadze Griggs says
What does money have to do with it? Respect should be mutual.
I completely agree with that statement, however, Scripture does tell us that even if we have a husband who is not walking with the Lord, that we are to live by His example and do these things anyway. You must stop putting your faith in your husband to change and put your faith in God to change him.
This is sexist. Both men and women should impart these 25 tips into their relationships. A gender distinction should not exist.
Not impressed with this at all, while I think communication between a couple and good listening skills is essential and an integral part of a healthy relationship I think (and so does my lovely husband) that is is dated and just plain wrong. If you have to actively and consciously and somewhat unnaturally be prepared to do this everyday to keep your man happy then there is already a problem.
Very Happily Married warts n all!
Love this, saddened by all the negativity. Nowhere on the post does she say that the husband does not respond with the same love and devotion. 100% agree if more marriages were like this the divorce rate would be far lower. I try to do some of this already, but I know there are things on here that I should improve on. Thanks!
Deborah Davis says
I think the women that have a problem with these principles are dealing with their own pride and lack of humility. I say that but I have a hard time doing these things when I feel that my husband has let me down, or makes promises that he doesn’t keep, or disrespects me in one form or another. I can tell you that a woman wants to be cherished and respected, and if she is, there is little problem following any of those biblical principles. If she isn’t (cherished and respected), she may form a root of bitterness that grows with each failed expectation until one day, the relationship becomes so damaged, it may be irreparable.
Thank you for this wisdom. I have seen some of the fruits of going against these words, and I always regret it. Thank you for encouraging us to walk with the Spirit.
Sharon Wiggett says
With regards to your point above – “Dress to Please Him: Take care of your appearance. Choose clothes your husband finds flattering, both in public and around the house.” What if the dress that pleases your husband is ungodly, revealing and immodest – simply because it makes your husband feel good about having a “sexy” wife? God’s Word stipulates that a godly woman should dress modestly so as not to be a distraction to other married men – any comments in this regard?
Also, with regard to your last point – “Follow His Lead: If you want your husband to lead, you must be willing to follow. Neither a body nor a family can function well with two heads. Learn to defer to your husband’s wishes and let final decisions rest with him. (Ephesians 5:22-24)”. With particular reference to the last sentence of this point to let final decisions rest with him – what if a man constantly makes mistakes with/in these final decisions and never learns from his mistakes, to the detriment of the family? Any comments?
Jennifer Flanders says
With regards to dressing modestly, I don’t think it is an either/or proposition. You can dress modestly in public and save the more revealing clothing (or no clothing at all) to wear in the privacy of your own bedroom.
With regards to bad decisions, I recognize that some men struggle with addictions and dangerous behaviors, and if the mistakes that he is making involve that sort of thing, then I’d recommend finding a good Christian counselor to help work through that situation.
Let’s make something very clear: respect is different than service.
If we’ll all take a moment to observe a marriage ceremony: the woman is not the one pledging all the service, love, and respect.
I am a Christ-following girl, and in a great relationship. But, look: seriously.
Letting things go in an argument: love and respect.
Trying to ease his stress after he has a stressful day: love and respect.
Offering to do something for him to be helpful: love and respect.
HOWEVER: having a nicely dressed wife is not his right, sorry. (Now, why a woman WOULDN’T want to look nice for her man is beyond me, but that’s beside the point).
Being fed by his wife: ALSO not his right, sorry. (I personally find it extremely attractive when my guy wants to make me something to eat. Granted, it doesn’t always taste great, but then we laugh and I tease him.)
It’s called a relationship because it takes two people. Two to do some laundry. Two to wash some dishes. Two to take care of the kids.
Seriously, ladies, if he’s not willing to do at least some of the work: your marriage/dating relationship is in a world of hurt.
Wait, is this meant to be funny? If not, I think I’ll pray for HER.
it makes me sad in a country of free speech to see such bickering. Thank you for posting something to help people love each other better. We may not agree but we are free to do so. I’m encouraged mostly by Ruth Graham’s quote about a good marriage is two people that forgive one another. I love Jesus and my future husband and our goal is to love each other and take care of one another, to be on each other side. Coming from a fem background it was hard for me to humble myself to just cook dinner but that was something of pride in me that I’m dealing with not an overbearing man. He can cook too and does tons of other things for and with me. We are equal and different, beautifully different with different strengths and we chose to put them together not counter against one another. I think there is definite truth that not everything applies and we have a voice but its my prayer that we don’t marry men that would take advantage of that and not love us with the same devotion that we love them. I love the look on nick’s face when I tell him I’m with him 100% in a situation or decision, or when he ask my opinion which I freely give. We both decide to not nitt-pick but choose love over frustration. A book you all might like is “loving what is” by Byron Katie. Also the “5 love languages” is great too. We all have a lot of growing to do. I’m a strong woman wholoves a strong and gentle man. Good luck to all your marriages. My advice, talk and at all cost avoid correction and condeming. focus in what is good in your lives, what you love and admire about each other and if there isn’t anything, find something! Love humbly and love being a woman!
Thank you for posting this! We are to be our husband’s helpmeet! To love and respect him. Let HIM lead the home. That is God’s plan and design and the best way! Blessings!
I am a woman 24 years of age and although it might sound outrageous I believe your list is great. Is is from the older days and that is how things should be done. I work full time have two children smile pretty and get the house work done while my husband unwinds from his day. It is women that are lazy and too proud to even attempt to try to please their man in this way anymore and I regret to see just how bad it is. No wonder there are no more so called good men out there anymore look at how narrow minded the female race has become.
this is retarded. it sounds like you in the 1920’s where women had to shut up and do what they were told and act like they were happy even if they werent. if your husband doesnt treat you in the same way described above your no ones property or slave and shouldnt treat him with respect.
Great words of wisdom. My husband and I have been married for 14 years, it’s a second marriage for both of us so the odds were not good from the get go. We have managed to build a lasting, loving, respectful union, just by implementing many of these points, being kind to one another, and being completely committed to the commitment. It’s isn’t a cake walk, but God gets us through the rough patches. I respect him, He loves me…it’s a win/win for both of us.
Wow…..he left out daily foot and back rubs…mowing the lawn….scrubbing the floors…..getting his robe and slippers and pipe when he walks in the door……….. did someone tell him its 2012. Just treat everyone the way you wish to be treated and everyone should have all the respect they need without a manual! Geez I feel sorry for that 1950s housewife. Speak when spoken to and …..no pinterest for you!!
Jennifer Flanders says
“He” didn’t leave out anything, Beth, because this article was written by “her” — that 1950’s housewife you feel so sorry for. Yes, it is possible to respect one’s husband and blog at the same time. And I also use Pinterest. In fact, I even have a “Love Your Husband” board. You can check it out here.
Marring the person God intended for you helps. It makes following these things like second nature. You find yourself wanting to do these things with out resentment. At least that’s how it’s been for me for last 5 years.
Amanda P. says
I just wanted to say that you reap what you sow. If you sow selfishness you will reap selfishness. If you want to receive respect you must first give it. This list is a great example of of how to show respect to your husband. Even if he doesn’t deserve it or show it to you does that mean you don’t show it to him.? Your kids don’t always listen and do the right thing but does that mean you don’t love them, no. So if you love your husband why would you not show him respect. As I was growing up and still to this day my father always says “you reap what you sow” how you treat others is how you will be treated. I for one would like to live my life showing love and respect to my husband everyday (wither he deserved it that day or not) because I want him to show me love and respect (even on the days that I don’t deserve it). How you treat your husband is how he will treat you.
Great comment, Amanda!
Misty Brown says
Marriage is supposed to be 50/50 Not a leader and a doormat. I did read the list for men and put seat down is something my 5 year old son knows to do. Loosen the purse strings for the man, that is laughable since I am better with money and he is the one with an allowance. If he is acting like a 2 year old I will either call him on it or treat him (or nag him) like a child. (I would expect no less if acted the same) Honor his wishes? —and have supper on the table when he gets home? He has two hands doesn’t he? Same with cleaning the house we split the chores. In my house there is no such thing as “women’s work” or “man’s work”. I just think that the list for the woman and man should be the same, all 50 should be a guide for men and women and then you would have something. Considering the Bible was written many hundreds of years ago and some of the stuff in there has become obsolete as well as times have and will change. There is no reason to subservient. Women are more than baby makers and bakers now. We have careers (if we want) and earn as much or more than them sometimes too. Women were not allowed to vote back about 100 years ago, either would you like to go back when we had absolutely no rights? Or did a man decide what the Bible could set aside and what to keep? I was raised Christian and my dad was a minister so please don’t think I don’t believe in God.
This is the STUPIDEST thing ive ever read. Im no ones slave and i dont kiss feet. My man should be kissing mine. Pathetic list..
These are very good GUIDELINES, not rules.
But, these guidelines are very 1950s-like and seem that we must bow down to our significant other.
A lot of women in this world today of 2012, do not have a 9 to 5 jobs, they are not stay at home mothers, and we are not weak beings.
We also have to think, there are a lot of men out there who LOVE to cook, who enjoy cleaning the house, and men do want a little action once in awhile. The men who think they are superior to women, need to know that they are not, women are equal to them.
Us as women can also thank them other ways and show that we respect them, such as taking interest in their hobbies or in their lives in general.
What I dislike about this list is that the men are the decision makers of the household, I am sorry but it takes two to tango, and two to make a decision that is best for the household.
Also, not every spouse has a day off together, I say women should take those days that you do not have off with your spouse to make him dinner one night (if he is the one doing all the cooking). And keeping the house clean, well both parties should keep the home clean inside and out since it was a decision that both of you made to buy, lease, rent the home.
I think this list is good if you want to be that 1950s cookie-cutter type of relationship, otherwise, I think we can incorporate most of these guidelines into our lives in some way or another and definitely switch up how it is being portrayed.
Thank you so much for these words of wisdom. I think every wife should try and put this into action cos the world is too negative minded. We need to read and hear more of these things. God bless you real good.
Great biblical advice!!!
My first reaction is the societal “no way would I do this stuff, I’m an equal, not a slave!” After reflecting on it, I can say I agree with most of these suggestions. Women have taken the fight for equality into a fight for dominance. I wasn’t raised with religion, and as a woman who came to Christianity as an adult, I find it a struggle to reconcile the female mindset that society condones, and the mindset God intended for us to have. The societal mindset is that if a man isn’t pampering a woman, then she’s not being treated as an “equal.” Women – admittedly, myself included – have become needy, spoiled, entitled, and disrespectful. A successful marriage is borne of MUTUAL love and respect. This is simply a list of ways we can break free of our sense of entitlement and serve our husbands. As they should also be serving us, out of love.
Thank you for these amazing words. It is a constant struggle in my relationship with my husband. I don’t realize how degrading I can sound towards my husband, how my huffing and puffing gets to his self-esteem, and how my expectations form a wedge in between us. The Lord works in all ways to His glory. If we aren’t willing to be servants towards our husbands, what does that say about our servitude towards our Creator and God? All of us are imperfect, but should that stop us from attempting to become more Christ-like through our service? Christ came from the highest of high, to the lowest of low. He CHOSE that. We also have a choice to become servants willing to be “walked on”, or high and mighty in our ways. You don’t find fullness in your soul from striving after the wind. Thanks again and God bless you.
But you out of anyone knows your spouse and what works for the both of you. Don’t try and do anything different just cause someone tells you its the way that a woman is supposed to be. I am agnostic and my beliefs do not affect my marriage thank you. Just because I am not a Christian does not make me or my marriage any less than anyone else. Just listen to one another and don’t be afraid to talk about the things that bother you. Your spouse is your best friend don’t let anything change that.
I see the comments about how modern women think its repulsive to respect a man these days but I have to say that is completely not true. Respect works both ways and a marriage is a partnership not indentured servitude. My husband and I both work 40 hour weeks and have three amazing kids. There is no way in hell a modern woman could do all the things on the list if she wanted to. I help him with the yard and he helps me to keep the house clean. We voice our opinions to each other and we our both headstrong individuals and we have arguments all the time. But that is all they are arguments we have never had an all out screaming fight and we always feel better after an argument because we both got to vent a little. We have been married now for almost 8 years and will be together for many more. Your partner married you knowing the best and worst about you trying to change and do all this just to please him will get old and make you a fake. Just be yourself. The person he met and fell in love with and treat him the same. We all change a little over the years but never enough to change who we are. Good luck to all of your marriages may they be as blessed as mine.
I strongly disagree with the vast majority of the comments on this page. In my view, there is nothing mentioned in this article that prevents a woman from being strong, independent, and well respected.. but rather that it actually helps them achieve this goal in a far more complete way.
While it does suggest acts of service- that hardly makes you a slave. In his final days, Jesus Christ himself spent his time serving those who didn’t deserve it- and if we are called to live according to his commandments, we ought to be doing this for everyone without complaint- and that includes your husband. It never says that you ought to let your husband disregard your needs, or take advantage of your compassionate spirit. Husbands are called to do just as much for their wives, and this article never claims that they aren’t– it just doesn’t mention them, as this particular list is to help a wife improve.
I don’t believe that respect, love, and compassion are ever out of date. Nor do I think that any amount of rights make it so a person, man or woman, is entitle to disregard them. I am only sixteen currently, and I am not married yet, nor will I be in the near future. However, when I do get married- it will be to a man who I love. And if I love him, doing these things won’t be a burden. They won’t make me feel used, or like I am a slave- because they will help make his day a little brighter. And I will know that in turn, he will do many similar things for me. An equal relationship isn’t built from both of sides neglecting to show love- but rather from both sides putting in the extra mile to make the relationship last. And this is a great guideline for the wife- as is the other for a husband.
I am very thankful to you for writing this blog, as it gives me an idea of what to look for in the future- in a society where that is not all that common. Your blog never fails to inspire me, and act as one of the only examples I know of a solid Christian marriage~ in a society in which that is not very common. So, thank you for sharing your insights- as they are helping to build my character, and prepare me for the day that I am ready to take these steps on my own. It’s a beautiful blog. (:
Jennifer Flanders says
Thank you, Meg. I appreciate those sweet words of encouragement and pray that God will pour out his richest blessings upon you, including — when the time is right — providing for you a godly and loving husband and children who show as much wisdom and maturity at a young age as you yourself have in what is written above.
So well said, Meg! Your parents have obviously done a fine job bringing you up.
Heather Gillis says
I really can’t believe a woman of today would even listen to this. I was a divorced single mom for 5 years before I met my second husband, I did a wonderful job and made all the decisions. I have 3 wonderful, smart, and caring children to show for it. I love my husband with all my heart, and though I do value his opinions, I do have a mind of my own. You have to work together, It’s an equal partnership.
Everyone keeps calling it submission to your husband but it is more the submission to God’s will for us as wives. We made that vow before Him and it is only right that we keep it. These rules aren’t archaic or outdated because God’s word is timeless. Our world isn’t in the state it is in because men stopped being men and women stopped being women but because we all stopped being the Lord’s bride. We have turned away from Him as a society and turned our lives, marriages, and futures over to the devil.
My husband and I have been married 34 years and love and respect each other. We are partners in our marriage. We make decisions together, relying on both our knowledge to come to the right one. Somethings he knows more about and somethings I do. We use our strengths together to get through our life. When I was not working our marriage was more traditional like above and when I went back to work when the children were older he helped more with things. At this point in our life my salary is higher than his and I provide the insurance for our family. This does not make me superior or him less of a man. He is partially disabled and can no longer work at his chosen profession. He does work 2 jobs to help with the finances and to provide for our retirement. I look forward to having many more years with this wonderful man. We both come from families with mothers who followed the 25 ways above. Both mothers also worked outside the home, one on the farm and one in business. Both our fathers felt respected and loved and both respected and loved their wives. My father-in-law just went to be in heaven with the love of his life who left us 10 years ago after 55 years of marriage and my parents just celebrated 56 years. Love and respect each other and happiness will follow.
I am a Christian, but I don’t feel that I am going against God’s will when my husband and I make joint decisions that affect our family together. We respect each other’s opinions and we make the final decision together – he doesn’t make it alone. We share the household chores and both work full time jobs. We share the care of our children. I respect my husband and find that many of these rules are relevant, but the tone of some of them is certainly outdated. Again, I don’t think this makes me a bad Christian or out of touch with the Bible. The Bible also says that women shouldn’t have short hair and, as someone mentioned before, condoned the use of slaves. Things change, and I don’t think that makes those who have a different view of what God wants in our marriage any less Christian than those of you who claim that equality has ruined marriage. My husband and I respect each other and support each other mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I don’t want to be on a pedestal – I want to stand beside him throughout our lives together.
It’s obvious that a man made this list. It doesn’t say once what the man should do in return if being treated like a king. Women need to be respected in order to treat their partner with this treatment. Life makes this impossible, people can’t live off of one mans income in the household.. Women have to work (because women wanted to be equal), therefore women have to be wives, mothers, husbands, workers, heads if household
I teach all of my children to be respectful. no matter if you are a christian or no you should still respect your husband and he you. The above statements are not about being a doormat or not, more of a guideline as to ways your husband might appreciate. instead of whining why not look at your marriage and see if some of these would strengthen your marriage.
I agree with mommyof4. I think this is a great guideline that BOTH husband and wife can and should follow. My husband and I are both equal partners in our marriage and he has no problems “keeping the house tidy” with me. I’m happy to exam these statements to see if it would help us be better for each other (and set a good example for our child), but I will also print it out so he can see how he can reciprocate.
I find this article to be a way to brush things under the rug. Really? A wife that does everything in the household should as think of herself once and awhile. If he can’t understand you had a rough day then he expects too much. I really am not eating his favorite meal 2-3 times a month. I’m lucky to eat mine once a month. If the kids are taken care and the house is in good shape (no perfect because no one is living then), then he should be happy. Just because you are in the same room doesn’t mean you are spending time with him. I always laugh with my husband after a long day that we having spent anytime with each other even though we were always within 10 feet of each other. A good marriage would never last doing this. As women, we can’t always be the ones doing things. We deserve just as much done for us if not more. As much as this sounds like the 50’s way of doing things, what happen to letting the men chase us. Women chase men too much this time and age.
I am sorry that there are so many mean comments about this article. What ever happened to saying a person disagrees without insulting the other? I feel sorry for them. I think their negativity is based on fear. No one I know is a doormat.
Wow! I feel sorry for those who are blind to what this is about. God has very strong descriptions of what a man (Head of household and accountable to God) and a woman (Proverbs 31) are to be in his eyes. But, it goes further than this. We were created in Gods image. Although we are human and sin every day, we are to ask forgiveness and continue to strive to be the man or woman we are to be in Christ. When you are married, this Godly transformation must start the day the two become one, if not before. The suggested points listed here are not intended for women to roll over in total submission without the husband doing his part. The Bible does say “women submit to your husband”, but if you will read just a little farther it says for “husbands to live with their wives..and show her honor” It does say “weaker”, but I believe that is in reference to bodily stature, wherein most women are not as strong as a man. Men need a strong woman to be their help meet. A team! So to say it is sexist to uphold your husband with respect only speaks out of ignorance. The Bible goes on to say “ALL of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit.” If we spent more time living Gods word and less time accusing others and fighting for our own recognition and glory, we would all see what God see’s in us. Don’t believe me….. Read 1Peter, chapter 3. It is in black and white, spoken by God.
Great for all you female activist. Rag on a woman who has found happiness in a way that is fitting for her. So what is your end goal for total legally bona fide equality. Curse anyone who finds a system that complements the strengths of both them and their partner… Personally when my wife is in a period of practicing respect I think about her more often, I work harder, in other words I show my appreciation more. To me EQUALITY doesn’t mean “okay you make this decision then I make this decision”. No two people are exactly the same so in any situation one or the other will have more experience or more capacity to provide the best solution (make the best decision). I have more experience with managing money and making ends meet. I also am more conscientious of safety etc. So when it comes to making those decisions I expect that my voice carries more weight. However I will always listen to my wife’s idea. When it comes to decisions concerning travel, style, even my career choices are strongly dictated by her. Too often when we go against the other’s more qualified advice do we end up in a bad situation. Plus the other is upset because their intelligence was written off.
Just because one couple finds equality in the ways mentioned above doesn’t mean this is consistent for everyone. But to say that equality only means apples to apples even authority to make decisions is preposterous. Get this… Black people and white people should be equal. However, you take two employees one black on white. Both are candidates for two management positions. Would you combine the positions and make them co-managers? No, you would make either manager of the department that they were more suitable for. In my home we have two management positions which oversee specific departments. Some decisions are outside of both of our expertise and we make those decisions together (in reality one of us usually just defers to the other after their opinion has been heard).
Congrats to this woman for finding equality within her marriage. Chances our if you are truly happy as well you have found equality applicable to the strengths which you posses. Great if you and your partner share experience and expertise in similar areas.
Bottom line marriage is not between men and women… It is between a man and a woman.
This is for all the stupid people criticizing this article. Of course you’re equals. It has nothing to do with equality. Of course your husband should respond to you with consideration as well, but this website is not for husbands it’s for wives. It’s all about decent consideration for someone’s needs besides your own. It makes me gag to think of what your husbands have to live with!
Heather Gillis says
My husband lives with a sexy, confident, funny, intelligent woman. A great wife, mother and friend. We laugh, workout, help each other with this life we have chosen to take on together!
Jennifer Flanders says
Your husband’s wife sounds a lot like my husband’s wife 🙂
I am a husband, and I am a believer in God. I would just like to point something out, In the beginning,God did not take a bone from a mans head soshe can be above him, or did he take the bone from his feet so he can step all over her. He took a bone from his side in order to create the women. Which means they are equal, meant to work side by side. I love my wife and most of the list above I think is good for the husband as well. Only difference is wife respect the husband and husband love your wife. Men and women are different. Like with love and respect men and women also communicate differently. Example, I have nothing to wear? Said by a man, most of times not all the times, means he has no clean clothes. ( there are some exceptions) for a women it means they have a closet full of clothes but not the right outfit for that occassion. The other thing is someone must LEAD. I am not saying I am the leader do as I say. But as a good leader you know your strength and weakness and a good leader listens to objection and does not mind giving power to someone else to lead or take on that project, but that leader is still the leader. Example: My wife is much more better dealing with the money in our household than I am. So she handles the money. Where I am weak she is strong and where she is weak I am strong. Both husband and wife should have a common goal. I want the best for my wife and my family and my wife want the best for me and our family. Like in a major company you have a table of executive but some one is leading or steering the ship. Please hear my heart not trying to be disrespectful but God placed someone to lead. Have men abused their power in the past, present and future, YES. Is it right NO. I just believe there must be balance and sometimes I have seen people over compensate as well.
Barbara Smith says
Jennifer – One more thing. I would love to be part of a discussion group of women who get it and really want to work on this stuff. I appreciate your blog, and taking comments, but I find it tiresome and unhelpful for those of us interested in learning these wifely skills to have to read through the angry comments – and it doesn’t give me the support I would like. Do you know of such a group? I do not do Facebook, but a Yahoo group or some such?
Thank you again, Barb
Jennifer Flanders says
Barbara, I moderate a Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/love.your.husband.yourself) devoted to that very purpose, but as you do not do Facebook, it will not help you (yet). You might check out the list of “My Favorite Blogs” near the bottom of the sidebar on the right. They are all full of wifely encouragement, and many of them have more consistently positive comment threads. You might also check out Time-Warp Wife’s Titus Tuesday Link-Up or some of the other weekly link-ups (also listed in the sidebar). Many of them feature Christian bloggers who are just getting started and are very appreciative of comments and eager for discussion on their linked-up articles. I’m afraid I do not know of any Yahoo-type groups that fit what you’re looking for, but that certainly doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Readers? Where do you go to encourage and to be encouraged by other women who “get it”?
Barbara Smith says
All the hateful and angry replies just confirm to me how lost these women are. I have been married 33 years, happily I thought, but when my husband said a couple years ago he had considered leaving me because he didn’t think he could face living with me anymore God really slapped me in the face with the truth! That was that I had been secretly at war with my husband all those years, while believing we had a “good” marriage. I had been “standing up for myself” as a woman! We had an “equal” marriage! Great! But my husband didn’t feel cherished, and neither did I. We were both secretly lonely and on the defensive. All this going on underneath the surface; and neither of us aware of the damage it was doing.
Suddenly God opened my eyes and I saw it truly was all up to me as the woman to recover from my liberated upbringing and learn from scratch how to love my husband, just as he is, as a man, and to be thankful for him every day, no matter whether he deserves that or not. All I can say is that the results have been miraculous and I will spend the rest of my life encouraging younger women to get off their high horses and learn to love their husbands!! The rewards are so worth it!
Thank you so much for this list. I will also be getting your book and passing it on to my older girls, and anyone else I can think of. We need to spread this knowledge far and wide for the sake of our children and grandchildren. God has suddenly opened my eyes to the dynamics of so many hurting marriages, and it is always the same story. People are so selfish and so good at hurting each other!
As my husband commented when he read the above list “But that’s all just common sense. It’s how we are supposed to treat everyone!” Duh!
Blessings on your work and your family, Barb
I love the previous comment by Elaina.
I think what some people are misunderstanding here is that doing these things by no means makes you “unequal.” It doesn’t make you a doormat, it doesn’t make you weak, and it doesn’t mean you allow yourself to be abused. This is the way it used to be when women were prized, valued, protected, and completely cared for. In return, the woman did these things for her man out of love, appreciation, and yes, respect. The woman was not “lesser,” the woman was on a pedestal, and damned if she didn’t take herself down from there with all this “equality” talk. Now where is modern woman? She is a sex object, a piece of meat, a true doormat. Not only is the modern woman unequal in the workplace where she will not receive the same wages as a man in her same position, but now she is also expected to earn her keep in the home by balancing a career, kids, AND home making. What modern woman did for herself is irreparable damage. Call it progress if you like, but I know I’ll stick with the old-fashioned way and let my man put me back on my pedestal where I belong.
I’m sorry but women didn’t used to be prized…they were bought and sold by fathers to suitors. They were bargaining chips. They weren’t valued beyond what they could offer their fathers and husbands. They could have no interests beyond cooking, cleaning, taking care of children, and being objects of gratification. Women were not put on pedestals, they were not treated like goddesses or worshiped… they were put under men’s feet. Domestic abuse was seen as something acceptable, almost expected, in the home.
I will take my freedom to choose my own path, to follow my dreams. I will take the freedom to not shackle myself to raising children I don’t want but are expected of me simply because I am a woman. I will take an equal place beside my husband who accepts my flaws and short comings because he knows I am a human being and I deserve to be treated and respected like one just as he deserves the same. And I will never let anyone tell me that it is better to be placed on a so called pedestal and give up control of my own life. I will make my own place in the world, not have someone else put me in one.
You believe that life was somehow better for women when they were only expected to stay in the home and be good little wives but you say that without thinking of all the freedoms you would have to completely and utterly give up to do so. Would you really give up every right of individuality? Every right to having your own voice and thoughts? People like you make me weep for humanity.
I agree w/ you 100%. When was the last time you saw a man open a door for a woman??? or put his coat down for her over a puddle of water so she does not get her gorgeous shoes wet???…women have unleashed the “dominant/independant woman” monster who needs no “Hero” or “Night in Shining Armour” to come to her rescue!!!
True beauty in a woman emerges when she stops needing someone to come rescue her. My husband will opens doors for me. I appreciate it when he does, but I don’t expect it. I think you will find that a lot of women don’t need “a hero”. The strength lies in being your own hero. Because men will leave. They will cheat. They will die. Depend on yourself and you become infinitely more attractive to the opposite sex. Men don’t want women who can’t deal with life on their own.
What this article doesn’t say, is that if we communicate respect to our husbands they will in turn communicate love to us.
Don’t get caught up on every word in this list, take the good ones and apply those. For me its: 22. Don’t speak badly about your husband to others, and 21. Compliment him. and 17. I still like to put on a little mascara before he comes home 🙂
I know my husband feels respected and loved when I do these.
Mrs. Flanders’ recipe for marital success is precisely the way God intended. Believe it or not naysayers, God intended that men and women have specific roles in life. We should all seek to put the needs of others before our own. When we do, we will see that we will find ourselves fullfilled, satiated and full of God’s peace and joy. I’m learning this more every day.
Wow I am shocked. Women hating their own sex. We can be equal in relationships and still be good people. My parents are very happily married and have been for 30 years. Both work, both do house and yard work together, have equal weight in family decisions, and taught their children (boys and girls) to be respectful of people. It seems some people think women are either submissive to their husbands (good wives)or they are bad wives. My parents are my shining example (who are both christians by the way) of what a great equal relationship should be. My dad would be disappointed if I wasted my potential by letting my husband make all my life decisions.
Also those talking about the bible, the bible can be interpreted in many ways. There are many many things in the bible we no longer practice (slavery for instance) so please don’t use that argument anymore.
I just don’t feel the hatred……??
Kathryn, I’m with you on this! Equality in a marriage is liberating to both, the husband and the wife. John and I have been married 41 years and we SHARE both the wonders and the tragedies in life. No one’s opinion matters more than the other and neither of us blindly submits to the other. We have learned to respect each other for the individuals that we are and celebrate the couple this has allowed us to become. No person, husband or wife, should ever feel it is their ‘obligation’ to act like someone they are not. ‘To thine own self be true’ and you will be able to truly love each other.
Some men don’t respect women because of the way most in our society act which makes me disappointed in women in today’s society. What I don’t get about women is we are so jealous of one another. If you are an attractive woman you are disliked by the crowd of women as soon as you walk in until they get to know you and realize you are not a threat. Women wonder why men don’t respect us cuz alot of women act trashy and think it makes them cool and desirable. I get women who hate women who act so sexual and flirty and use their looks to get attention from men but not all women are trifling. If women would stick together and love one another and not go after married men or men that are in a relationships then there would be no need to be jealous of each other cuz we would know we all got each others back and it would stop all these affairs cuz men would have no where to go except home…and yes I am married and no my husband doesn’t cheat on me so I am not speaking out of bitterness. It is just an observation so take it or leave it.
I am astonished at all of the critical and angry responses I have read to lovely Mrs. Flanders 25 rules. I actually don’t understand why anyone took it that way. I am 24 years old, unmarried and agree with 100% of what she said. I grew up in modern day America and am smart enough to see that when women insisted on becoming “equals” with men, they forfeited nearly everything that made them special, sweet lovable etc. They are no longer really anything to protect and cherish, because they won’t BE protected! In the process of their “liberation” they have turned themselves into a lot of power-hungry monsters that storm through life, proud to be dragging some poor man in their wake. I am sickened when I see most marriages today, or even when I watch a “relationship” and see the young man taking from his sweet little girlfriend exactly what he always took from his feminist mother: “You’re nobody, your worthless, you’re only here cause I want you here and at any moment I could drop you, so do as I say or else!”
I am of the opinion that someone, somewhere, should start campaigning for all the men. They are the ones who are actually abused in today’s society.
Well done girls! You’ve pretty much succeeded in making babbling idiots of most of our male population. They can’t be men. They’re not allowed to be.
It makes me awfully mad because I despair of ever evening meeting a real man. They sort that hasn’t been so emasculated that he can’t even hold his head up in the grocery store.
Men were men, when women were women. Start mixing up the two roles and you get a crazy society where nobody has any idea who they are.
Actually they have, Google Mens Rights Movement, more specifically look up a youtube channel called girlwriteswhat. She raises some very good points and I have noticed it is not automatically regarded as misogyny as this is straight from the brain of a lady.
Jennifer Flanders says
I just watched girlwriteswhat’s clip on marriage and found her to be very articulate and insightful. I’ll look forward to viewing more of her other talks in the future. Thanks for sharing the link.
We live in a society that is run by men. Women are not wrong for wanting to see change in how they are treated. A woman wanting to be equal to a man does not make her any less special/sweet/lovable. I don’t know who you are watching that makes you think that women treat men as worthless objects, but I know that I’m surrounded by strong women who respect their significant others-but also respect themselves. You are refusing to see the beauty of living in a society where women can make decisions about their bodies, and make equal pay for equal work. I am also a young woman, and I am excited to be living in a time when women stand independent of the men in their lives.
I am a man. I am not religious at all. I am modern, fair minded, articulate, generous, educated and very much a supporter and caring person toward women. I am not a mysoginist and believe in ‘equality’ fwiw.
I will never get married. I have little or no interest in pursuing the vast majority of women that I meet. I have little tolerance for a womans ‘moods’ and temperaments. I strongly believe that women have become greedy, insensitive, foul mouthed, money hungry, alcohol consuming vampires.
Where does this leave me? Lonely? To a certain extent but I can handle that. Disappointed? Of course, you would be too if every apple you bit into had rot inside it. Bitter? Actually no. I won’t let myself become that.
So what am I on my own?
Incomplete. Drifting. Unexcited. Unfulfilled.
If women could STOP playing the PC, public relations, political rubbish that is force fed into our brains by the media, and concentrate on their strengths as a woman, and realise that a lot of what the writer says in her article is NOT demeaning, NOT out of date, NOT submissive bs to women in general, then, I and other men I know like me, may once again be able to just be. Ourselves.
A man, who wants to, and can, loves a woman for who she is.
Unfortunately sir, what you say is true. 🙁
Right on Dave.
Kayley GUay says
I agreed with absolutely every “guide-line” you mentioned in the post and I loved that each one had a verse to back it up. Respect is SO important to men. My dad is not someone that is easy to respect… In fact, he is quite the opposite. But God doesn’t say to respect someone only if they earn it or deserve it, He says “honor your father and mother”. AND He also says for wives to submit to their husbands and respect them- period. I believe women SHOULD respect their husbands whether they deserve it or not- as an act of obedience to GOD. I just read a book called “Love and Respect”- totally changed my perspective on the area of respect… I’m 21, but I can already say that i wish I would’ve understood how important respect is and what it looks like. THANK YOU for sharing this post- always a good reminder 🙂
“I believe women SHOULD respect their husbands whether they deserve it or not- as an act of obedience to GOD.”
Ooooh, now that’s going a bit too far. That’s just asking to be abused. If a man does not deserve respect, then I wouldn’t respect him just because G’d said so. I think that is taking an interpretation of the Bible a little too far.
The comments greatly show where all ofthe derision lies in society.
Remarkably different from what you have been told, it is *not* women who are receiving poor treatment. It is the men.
The fact that so many women here take offense to a list that teaches them to actually be nice and treat their husband with love shows all of us the only thing we need to know. There are plenty of women available in the US, but there are just no wives or any woman suitable for a relationship. At best they are just for a romp in the hay.
So True………. 🙁 🙁
Haha…At least the feeling is mutual! 😉
Dang ladies, goes to show ya the thought of being respectful to a man is repulsive to “modern independent women”
And momma wonders why I never bring a nice girl home, I CAN’T FIND ANY!
You comment made me chuckle, but sadly it’s so true that it really isn’t funny! 🙁
I feel so sorry for the young men of my generation because when you look around you, there really aren’t any nice girls out there. Certainly not any that a young man with half a brain would want to tie himself to.
No, the girls have made a REAL mess of this country! And boy, the men of old were sure silly to ever give them that chance! When I look around at our society, I am ashamed to be a woman. 🙁
I’m ashamed that you’re a woman, too.
Dia Roman says
I think I just died a little inside. This looks like something from the 17th Century–isn’t this 2012?
Yeah, some of it is still relatable, but a good 93.7% of it is garbage. This is the 21st Century. A woman is an equal, not a mindless doormat.
Thank you so much for this. My husband said he wants a divorce and that its not me its him. He just never fell in love, but after reading this i can really see that i have not been fair and alot of this is my fault. I love him dearly and dont want to lose him.
happymom and wife says
Kelly. First, i am deeply sorry to hear that you are going through such a devastating time. Please know that i will pray for you and your marriage. Secondly, it is not too late to save your marriage. There is a book that was written exactly for your situation. I think you will even find quotes from spouses ready to leave that sound exactly like what yours said to you. It is called Love Must Be Tough written by dr. James Dobson. He is a Christian writter and bases his work on the Bible. He will lay out for you exactlty what to do to keep your spouse. My marriage almost ended in 2009. His book saved my marriage. Please read it as soon as possible before talking to your husband about his desire to end it. Everything you do right now will either push him farther away or bring him back. He believes in wives submitting to their spouse and says so in his book, but absolutely do not panic and get clingy and beg him to stay, a natural reaction by the way. And while you should immediately start following the advice of the article quietly, absolutely do not present him with a list of all of the areas you think you need to improve as his wife. Until you can get his book, try to be as calm and unemotional as you can, I know that is hard, and tell him that while you hope he will stay, you want what is best for him and if he thinks that means leaving,he is free to go. Then keep your emotionsat bay, and keep him guessing at what your thoughts and feelings are by not sharing your every thought and deed. If he starts to wonder if he might be loosing you instead, you will be surprised at how quickly he puts the breaks on. But he will test you, so get the book. And lastly,don’t call him 15 times a day. Don’t call him unless he calls you and keep the coversation short and brief. Good luck.
Barbara Smith says
Kelli – I am praying for you and your husband. I agree 100 percent that it is probably you. I don’t mean that in a condemning way, but I think that women are generally the initial problem, and don’t even realize – and neither do the husbands! We didn’t. Luckily God opened my eyes in time and it has been a miraculous transformation! May God bless your efforts. Another book I strongly recommend, though it is tough and pulls no punches, is Created to Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl. Debi is not the most diplomatic, and you may not agree with everything, but she lays it on thick and I guess I really needed that. I needed to be grabbed by the back of the neck, and that book did it for me. Disregard all the criticism of the book floating around. If it speaks to your situation God will use it.
I would be glad to correspond if you wish.
This list was clearly made for a wife who doesn’t work outside the home. More than 70% of women do, so I think the cooking and cleaning parts are ridiculous. It should be a team effort. This list makes working mothers feel bad that they can’t accomplish all these things.
Working full time with small children is hard enough without some ridiculous list to make men think this is what you “should” be doing.
And I read the list if what husbands should do for their wives… And it was kind of lame. It wasn’t nearly as detailed… And didn’t mention that men should do half of the cleaning, cooking and childcare.
You can’t possibly think it’s fair for a woman to work outside of the home and do all the crap on this list. Unbelievable!
I really like this! I do agree that men and women need to be equal in the home. But sacrificing and serving are the way we grow and learn together. Communicating respectfully is how to avoid becoming “walked-over”. Respect is becoming a lost courtesy and we should stand up for it no matter what you believe!
After reading the responses to these suggestions, I can really understand why the divorce rate is over 50%! If BOTH partners treated each other there would be a lot more happy marriages!!
This is the most ridiculous load of crap I’ve ever read! This list is an example of why women are not treated as equals to men. According to this list, it is a woman’s job to make meals, keep up a home, and allow her husband to be a lazy, ungrateful ass all while she makes sure she is sexually appealing to him. What a joke! I am a working woman who is also the bread-winner in my home. My husband and I divy up the workload around the house so neither of us is resentful of the other. Respect is not earned by acting like a maid, or slave, so women should disregard this ridiculous list!
Heather Gillis says
Yes! I totally agree!
This is beautiful. I already do most of these things. My husband and I have a wonderful marriage. We’re approaching our 20th anniversary. We both treat each other with love and respect. I in no way feel like a servant. I do these things because I love him and he loves me. For those of you that don’t agree with these suggestions, go back and read the bible. It is all about loving people and putting others needs above our own. Don’t knock it till’ you try it!!! 🙂
The Lord is very clear in His expectations regarding how husbands and wives treat each other. The list is spot on. The critics above simply have not studied the Lord’s commandments. His expectations on the husband are equally demanding. They include amoung others: unconditional love regardless whatever the wife would ever do (at any point in time – ever), demonstrating the heart of a servant 24/7/365 whether he feels like it or not, cherishing his wife ever minute of his life until he leaves this earth (that’s EVERY single minute), and up to and including laying down his very life for his wife if it would ever be required to protect her. Yep, sounds like the wife is really being taken advantage of here! (Please note heavy sarcasm in the last sentence.) If both spouses would embrace the Lord’s commandments, the level of joy in their marriage that they would experience would be beyond anything they could have imagined. As a husband, I am profoundly happy that my wife does practice the list above. It is my responsibility to ensure that I also follow the commandments that God has laid down for me. A marriage is a giving relationship. This is what the Lord intended. We should be more focused on how we are giving instead of what we think we are not getting. God knows what makes a successful marriage. He invented it.
I guess God made it so his chosen people, the Catholics, Lutherans, atheists and agnostics have, tend to have successful marriages.
Jennifer Flanders says
Your link references a Barna Group study, but misrepresents the data collected. The most recent numbers I could find indicate that Evangelical Christians enjoy a significantly lower divorce rate than the general populace (26% of the former have experienced at least one divorce, as opposed to 33% of the latter) — although those numbers are still admittedly high. It is also worth noting that born-again Christians are more likely to exchange marriage vows in the first place, with 84% marrying as opposed to only 65% of atheists and agnostics. It’s impossible to divorce if you never tie the knot to begin with.
Thank you for sharing. Respecting my husband is a learning process for me everyday. It seems he loves me like any man should love his wife daily. With the ways of the world out there respect is not something that came easily to me in the beginning. I just want to say thank you and I’m praying Gods blessing for you and your family.
I found I do a lot of what you have listed. I don’t believe in being doormat, but an equal to my husband. I am so lucky to have a wonderful man in my life. We treat each other with respect and love. It has worked for nearly 27 years and we expect it to continue for many more. If your husband is not respecting you in return, your marriage will not last. If we all just chose to do what works for our own union there will be peace, love and happiness. Not all of us can do everything on the list, but that is okay.
im sorry but there is nothing wrong with the above i believe equality for men and women but really what is wrong with this ….and also as women should do this men should do this too .Why do women these days think they dont need a man or they have to show attitude towords men .This doesnt mean you are a slave i believe it does depend on a man if a man treats you not in a positive way i wouldnt do all this for him no way but if he is loving caring respects you and everything else then i would
Annette Robertson says
You are an honorable and selfless woman. Beautiful list and beautiful family! I too am saddened at the negative comments. Women have lost their way in our society. Submitting to a man in love is not slavery, it just takes maturity and understanding of who we were created to be.
“Lost their way”? So I’m the breadwinner, very successful professional, strong in character and morals, and I’ve lost my way because I don’t think it’s right that I should have to run home to my husband (who doesn’t work) and make him dinner? Get out of the house much? Have you missed the last 40 years where we’ve fought for our freedoms? You must really hate yourself and your gender.
I feel sorry for your husband, you are manlier than he is…
I love this. This is how it should be. It makes me sad to see the comments calling this sort of love and devotion archaic. It doesn’t make me a slave in my marriage…it sets us both free.
Wow, did we regress back to the 16th century.
Wow, I’m glad I married a human being and not a submissive doormat. Sure, she does all this for me… but I do it all for her too because I’m her husband, not her master. Go figure, that’s what can happen when you don’t let God tell you what your marriage should be.
S. Stern says
# 10 alone made my skin crawl. shame on you.
good xristian wifey? i am thankful i am both non married and an atheist.
assuming that the male side is balanced and mentally healthy as to not take advantage of the bowing and scraping sends out the wrong message.
So why are you commenting on this website? It’s clearly not for you.
Emma Goldman says
Why not just grow bristles on your back so he can wipe his feet on you?
Sharron Hibbitt says
well said, i would sooner live alone than like that
The Holy Spirit will help wives love their husbands.
War Child says
What a crock. Your husband is your EQUAL. Treat him as such. Period.
I just vomited in my mouth at the thought of my daughter reading this.
No kidding! I love my husband but I am not his slave.
There’s a very big difference between being someone’s slave and employing the attitude that is outlined in this blog article. Slaves don’t have a choice to serve their masters. Submission by a wife is not servitude, in the sense you are attempting to use it. I CHOOSE to submit to my husband BECAUSE I love him. This does not mean he has the right to walk all over me, because the bible commands him to love me as Christ loves the church. It is equal, as my husband and I are both equal in God’s eyes, however it is part of a woman’s biblical calling to be a help-mate to her husband. Love it not just an emotion but an action and a choice. And it’s offensive to me that women think to serve your husband in love and respect is just slavery and being walked all over. There cannot be two heads in a family, and I’ve seen MANY families be destroyed over this. Women want this loving, respectful fairy-tale of a husband who treats them wonderfully at all times, but they don’t want to show the same type of reverence in return; that is not equality. This article is not old fashioned, she is making clear points that ARE in the Bible, so I would challenge any woman who is responding on here in offense and claims to be a Christian to examine what the Scriptures have to say on this topic as that should be our final authority in all things, not the opinion of other women, or our own self-serving emotions (which we all have).
Jennifer Flanders says
Very well stated, Kara. Thank you.
THis looks like something from the 50’s. I can relate to some of it but really if women want equality, we have to demand it and that starts with our husbands. I acted like this when I first got married 35 years ago and now my husband walks all over me. I didn’t demand he stop what he’s doing when a meal was ready, I was expected to have one but keep it warm. I never called him on things he did that I didn’t like and now he gets mad if I do. My daughter learned from my mistakes, she calls her husband on things and they have a wonderful marriage.
Nobody walks all over you unless you let them. You may have acted like this in the beginning but your husband did not hold up his end of the relationship. Communication is important and to not sweat the small stuff. You shouldn’t have to demand anything just expect it. This is true in any relationship. It is sad that women can’t appreciate themselves first and realize the goodness in them. It is only then that you are free to have a true and honest relationship w/ anyone. This is true whether you are Christian or not.
The female nazi movement has really effected marriages negatively over the years, I was one and still struggle with the whole equality thing therefore I really need to humble myself as the Lord asks of me and not be so rebellious (In our marriage we are one in Spirit)….. you will have problems by not applying God’s word. It’s not like He said it for no reason. God made us, don’t you think He knows best?
Not saying human nature hasn’t taken advantage of this concept. But, if your both loving the Lord, you will be in unity and as equals.
Women love naturally therefore God commanded us to respect. Men respect naturally therefore God commanded them to love. If one is not doing what is commanded of them it becomes a roller coaster.
Ephesians 5:33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
1 Peter 3:1 In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, 2 as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.
“Women love naturally therefore God commanded us to respect. Men respect naturally therefore God commanded them to love.”
I wish this were true . . . from watching others and struggling with this sometimes, I don’t find it to be true.
Christian or not, I see many, many men who don’t respect their women. Christian or not, I see many, many women who don’t love their men.
Bethany Schut says
I find it terribly offensive that a woman would use the term “Female Nazi”. Talk about a lack of respect for your “sisters”.
I’m sorry. This is just funny!
Agreed… its pathetic and degrading to woman. Keep the house tidy? Don’t argue? Respond Physically? Please…
[email protected] says
some of it sounds okay, but what about being equal, i dont think God put us on this earth to simply serve our husbands and obey them. He gave us a mind of our own, thats one of the things my hubby loves about me, i have my own thoughts and ideas and i voice them, not rudely, usually, but i am a strong independant person, who is a Christian woman and doesnt feel like i have to constantly be pleasing him, worrying about how he feels and what he wants. its a partnership, it has to be equal, not always about your husbands needs
No way are you serious??? Should we don a Lacey apron and fetch his paper and spoon feed him his dinner???
First of all, Showing your husband respect is about showing him your love. You can do all of these things and still communicate your frustrations with him because communication is also a way of respecting and loving him. Secondly, God’s word never gets old or outdated and these are all Biblical principles! Please turn off the television and READ YOUR BIBLE! God created men and women with different roles in marriage and yours is to submit to your husband, PERIOD!
Amen!! I love that Jen has scripture to back up every single one of these points. If more women and men would turn to the Word for instruction, really seeking it with a true heart for God, instead of what everyone else was doing the divorce rate would drop dramatically!
Steven Robertson says
It is funny (and very sad) to read what the women that post negatively on this topic. I know that they are 1) Non-religious 2) Un-faithful 3) Self-Centered 4) Spoiled Rotten or some combination of all four. Some women want all of the positives of being married and none of the negatives or to put it another way all take and no give. The fact that a large amount of women use sex as a commodity even in marriage is disgusting. Yes honey we can do what you want only if you buy me something expensive or take me here or do this for me… Women who say they do not act or would never act the way this article suggests are probably alone or involved in a bad relationship where the man neither respects nor honors her. My wife treats me with respect and I treat her with respect as well, that is the way we have always been even when we were teenagers and were friends. The fema-nazi movement has in large part, helped lead this country to the brink of destruction. Adolf Hitler and Nazi Germany may have been defeated in World War II but thier goal of destroying the United States of America is ongoing and likely to succeed. When women had to leave the homeplace and go to work in factories and other jobs that were previously held by thier husbands, brothers, and fathers, it created much discontent when the war was over and the women were asked to return to thier homes and they did not want to. Ladies if you truly respect yourselves then and only then can you respect your husband. You are special but do not think for a minute your husband will not leave you for another woman that treats him better than you do, because all other women are special too.
The “fema-nazi” movement? Yes, because women doing things for themselves and being self sufficient will definitely DESTROY America. I think you are confused. America was founded upon the idea that everyone was created equally. It was Nazi Germany that thought that some people were better than others and everyone else was lesser. Your idea that women belong only in the homes and not in the workplace coincides more with the principles of fascism than it does with the Constitution of the United States. Before you try to compare feminism to fascism you should realize that you are the one with the fascist views.
I can see that this post sparked some controversy, so let me just preface this by saying that I genuinely feel it is important to respect your husband. I am a Christian woman, I try as best as I can to follow the Bible’s teachings on marriage. That being said, while I agree with the main “points” as they are listed, the descriptions of these points are deeply troubling.
I find them lacking in communication (you should absolutely discuss ‘the negative things’ with your husband… that is called accountability. It is a Biblical principle. I would ask him to do the same for me!) as well as being somewhat emotionally repressed. We can do all things through Christ. But it is a grave misunderstanding to believe that we can zip our lips, hold it in, and be molded into the women God created us to be. Instead, we need to find HEALTHY ways to express our feelings/ thoughts/ moods and ask for grace when we are expressing them in unhealthy ways. (The Bible is full of illustrations of emotional expression. It is healthy, necessary, and a part of being who we are.)
Unfortunately, the “Christian” women who are flinging insults and such via the comments are doing nothing to promote the Gospel. To any woman who reads this blog post or the comments beneath it and is tempted to believe that the Bible is sexist or that Christian marriage lacks equality, please understand that this is not necessarily well supported by the Gospel. I apologize for this misrepresentation of Godly marriage.
I don’t wear make-up daily (or often at all, because I have terribly oily skin), I am sarcastic, and I am definitely not a Stepford Wife.
If I was suddenly “joyful” to make my husband happy, 24/7, he’d think I’d completely lost my mind.
I dress for my own comfort and flattery, not to please him.
I am a human being, and my husband loves me for me. I am not an extension of him, I do not exist to cater to his whims. I love him, respect him, and we pamper each other. You know what? Our relationship is awesome.
I fail to see why the husband has the final say on everything. Does the penis grant some sort of magical decision-making power?
Heather D says
I think women might be offended because they’re assuming the article is saying that women should do for their man and not expect the same in return. I’m assuming the writer could have titled the article 25 ways to respect your wife. Love is a two way street–both husband wife need to respect each other.
Ekechukwu cj says
I’m getting married in two months and I really want to thank you for this great advice. Keeping these tips in mind will help me to build my relationships with both God and my husband.
Thank you!l will follow till…..
I’m going to add my voice as well. This is one of the most sexists, and ridiculous thing I have ever read. Always making sure to dress how he pleases? Always responding positive to sexual advances even if you don’t want it, THAT’S CALLED RAPE CULTURE. Making sure dinner is ready right when he gets home? Letting him make all final decisions?!? Things like this are why we still need feminism today. Marriage isn’t between a dog and her master, marriage is between a man and a WOMAN. You can be a good wife/husband/partner without undermining yourself. You can be a good wife and still have your own mind!! This list, and the support its received makes me sick to my stomach.
oops- When I said marriage is between a man and a woman, I was just trying to emphasize that women shouldn’t have to feel less than themselves in a relationship. I believe in equal marriage.. just want to make that clear (:
These comments are hilarious! This list could help many women improve their marriages and thats coming from someone who was raised by a feminist and does believe in a woman’s right to choose and all the rest of it. I am also married and have learned that equality doesn’t mean splitting everything 50/50 and striving for “equality”. No, it means acknowledging that men and women are equal in value but not forgetting we are different and have different needs. And I know that being generous and showing respect will improve any relationship. Its ok to be nice to your husband! Feminists wanted women to be equal in value in society, not become men themselves. Man, people are screwed up these days, aren’t they?
While some of the items seem to only be there to preserve gender roles, like cooking and cleaning, the rest seem like pretty valid advice, which should be reciprocated by the husband. I’ll be honest, when I came to this article I only read the url: “25 ways to communicate respect”, and I was surprised to find that it was intended for the wife only.
If you consider it advice for anyone in a marriage, it doesn’t really seem that unreasonable?
So Aubrey, since I appreciate this list and by taking these things and applying them appropriately in my life I am much happier, I am in need of some “feminism”? Pretty sure I still have my own mind, looks like yours has been taken over by the American culture…Didn’t know making the effort to have sex when I’m tired but hubby is in the mood was considered rape, sounds kind of kinky to me, maybe it’ll help with that particular point! Lol!
Thanks for writing such an incredible blog 🙂 Both my parents and my husband’s parents have gone through tough divorces this last month and a great majority of the mistakes they made could have been avoided if they just both followed this advice. I look forward to more of your posts and advice.
I think unconditional love should be added to it too 🙂 My man tries SO hard to please me at all times in every way and sometimes he messes up and sometimes they’re big mess ups and the look on his face of “I failed you” can break anyone’s heart. I could yell at him for being forgetful and stupid or for not paying attention, but he already gets that. I love to tell him I love him and we’ll fix it or re plan something and everything will be fine and the look he gives me is heart melting. I feel the divorce rate is so hi because people forget the vows they made to each other. Or they are too self absorbed. I said he was ‘the one’ for a reason. I made a promise and I try and do this for him daily. I love how you were able to put it into words what a man needs because they sure can’t 😛 And I find that if I do what I can to respect, love and please him, I receive the same. If people stopped worrying about what they’re going to get out of something and just loved for the sake of someone else’s happiness, the world be so much happier.
This is 2012! Both of us work. So I am expected to always have his favorite meal ready and always have the house clean when I work too? Please. We both clean and take care of the kids in our house. I came on this site to get good advice, not advice on how to act inferior to your husband, become a slave of his and smile!
Reread the article, your comments are completely inaccurate if you actually read her descriptions of the points.
i don’t understand why people who disagree even bother to read this. What are they doing on this site to begin with? everyone has a right to an opinion, but why bother being so negative and mean? if you don’t like the page then don’t visit it. very simple. i, for one, LOVED this. Thank you!
I’ve never been so proud and justified in being an atheist.
What about the women who work AND raise a family. Should we rush home and make sure everything is spotless before our “masters” come home?? NO- a marriage should be equal. In my household we both cook, clean and take care of our little one. It’s 2012 and I truly feel sorry for the women out there whose husbands treat their wives as if they are beneath them. I am so thankful I married a modern man who treats me so equal.
I do a lot of these things but to make them rules is completely simpleminded. A husband needs a partner. You need to have mutual respect. To say if you follow these simple rules and never let your feels show is asinine.
Candace Coulter Kretzer says
Thank you for an amazing article! I’m so convicted, I think I will have to focus on one or two areas at a time to keep from becoming overwhelmed.
I read this list this morning as my husband was leaving to work out of town 6 days a week to provide for our family. He works a dangerous job,most would not even consider working in his industry. As I read the list I was mentally checking off to see if I had missed any of them while he was here for the short 36 hours that he is each week. I found y post uplifting and encouraging. I am printing it off as a reminder everyday to do things as if he were here so that I will honor him even in his absence so that our children will see me respecting him. I also read over the men’s list, I found it right on the money and pray that our children will have marriages that are biblically based and sound!!! I love being a Christian wife even though so many degrade me for doing so. I will continue to do so even with the nasty hate mongering, my family is very happy, not without its struggles, very happy non the less. Our children see 2 loving parents who want to please one another and are happy to do what is needed to make that happen (without sacrificing self) which is NOT what this list speaks of doing!!! Thank you Jennifer!!!
I wish I could go through and respond to each and every negative comment about this post. I’m marrying the love of my life next year and am loving reading all different ways to make our marriage as strong as possible. This list is filled with wonderful suggestions that I have found in different words in many books about marriage.
I do not find the list to be demeaning in any way, as it is only suggestions of how women can show respect to their husbands. My fiance and I have had many conversations about what we feel will help us have the happiest marriage we can. He values my need to be loved and cared for and I value his need to be loved and respected, and we both value communication as a way of continually understanding each other.
As for the points that people seem to be getting so worked up about:
Honor his wishes: This does not mean you always have to do what he wants!! It is just suggesting that when you honor what means most to him, he’ll feel respected. And when men feel respected, they feel loved.
Respond physically: In no way is this to be taken as allowing your spouse to “rape” you!! Men are biologically inclined to be more physical than women. This point, in it’s context, asks women to remember this. Physical touch is so important in cultivating a healthy relationship, yet all too often women only recognize what they are in the mood for. But it can be such a great thing to also consider your husband’s mood and respond positively to it!! Maybe not always, but when you do, he will feel respected.
Dress to please him: Women, think about it, would you appreciate it if your husband dressed like a slob? Or wore those pants that you absolutely cannot stand? NO! You may allow him to, but him doing that will not make you feel loved or respected. I greatly value my fiance’s opinion when it comes to what I wear, because I love knowing that he likes what I’m wearing. And I also enjoy taking care of myself, partially because I want to look good for him, but mostly because I think it conveys a respect for myself!! So when I dress to please him, I am also dressing to please myself. I would never wear something I didn’t like, but it’s a bonus knowing he likes what I wear.
Keep the house tidy: She says, “to the best of your abilities.” She does not say, “always have your house spotless.” She also does not say, “do all of the cleaning with no help.” My fiance cannot stand messes, therefore I try to keep things quite neat. Does this mean every surface in my home is cleared off? No. But it does mean that I can make more of an effort to do something that relieves his stress. And if he feels something needs to be tidier, he does it! But he still appreciates when I tidy things for him, even when it isn’t quite to his standards.
Take his advice: She does not say, “always take his advice.” She says, “do not dismiss his opinions lightly.” I’m sure all of the women leaving negative comments on here hate when their opinions are dismissed, so doesn’t it make sense that a man will feel respected when we give weight to his opinion? Even if we don’t take his advice, I think it speaks greatly to a relationship when we can show that we considered it and only after a lot of thought came to the conclusion that a different route was better.
Follow his lead: This is not meant as advice for those decisions that should absolutely be made as a couple. What this point does convey is that a husband would feel greatly respected if his wife showed that she trusted him enough to be the final decision maker.
I could speak of all of the other points, but that would be quite the comment. So lastly, I just want to point out the title of the article, “25 Ways to Communicate Respect”. This is not a list of must-dos, this is not a list of things that if not done will make a marriage fail. Relationships are a two way street, which is why husbands should do everything in their power to show love and a mutual, albeit somewhat different, respect for their wives. This list was meant for women, so those that disagree are not recognizing that there are lists out there that are filled with ways husbands can cherish their wives.
Though I fail at some things on the list, I think it is filled with great reminders of how wives can interact with their husbands to strengthen a marriage.
It is so weird to me that women think that showing their husband respect somehow makes them weak or controlled. I have been married for 23 years to a husband I have a great deal of respect for and him for me. We both try to practice many of these points, and for the most part are pretty successful at it. There is nothing wrong with putting your husbands needs before yours sometimes, because in a long marriage he will also have to do the same for you. For all the people outraged by this list, don’t do any of them. For those not sure, try a few. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised!
But you show it to each other. This list is about being a Stepford Wife. I am not subservient to my husband. We are EQUALS. We love, respect, and pamper each other. It isn’t a one-way street.
I think a lot of times in our culture especially we (women) feel a need to protect ourselves form being taken advantage of. Historically women have been undervalued and mistreated, but should we let that color our behavior for the rest of time? Times have changed and so have the men. I have been guilty of this behavior myself. Not long ago, a woman I really respect (she has a great marriage and wonderful children) she made a comment during a sunday school lesson about the key to a happy marriage is putting our spouse’s needs above our own. I found myself thinking, “FALSE!” But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that selfishness (which is the root of this attitude) is an enemy to happiness. Hopefully the man you have chosen to be your life companion is a righteous man who wants to do good. If he is, then you will find that if you spend time trying to lift him up that he will do the same for you! Being treated well, makes you feel good and increases your feelings of love and warmth toward your spouse. I will be forever grateful for the advice my husband and i received on our wedding day. An older man who had been happily married for 45 years advised us to take time EVERY week to tell each other 5 things that we love about each other, the rules are you have to think of new things every week. I was amazed to see how this simple act changed my perspective on my husband. I found myself looking for the good in him and appreciating him even more than I had before (and we were newly weds, I was already in head over heels blind love with him). Over the years we have continued to take time to appreciate each other every week and have been blessed with additional love and appreciation for each other’s strengths and forgiveness for each other’s weaknesses. So in summary, trust your spouse to return the respect and love that you offer him! Don’t be afraid to put him first, you will find enormous joy if you do.
All I can say is half this list don’t work well for a mom of six kids who also has a full time job! Dinner is hardley ever ready when he comes home. I will not say I’m sorry for it, he gets home before me, if he don’t like it he should have made it himself. Marriage is an equal partnership, in oder to make it work, both people need to respect each other, help each other, and support each other. It is not a let me sit back wait on you hand and foot, take care of the kids, while you sit and relax. I did read the otherlist for men and feel the same way. Yes do we need some extra help and this and that of course, but what we really need if for you guys to come home from work just like us and do the things that need to be done ( dinner, kid stuff, house stuff) with us. Not just some, but an equal part so will have family time then alone time together. It is 2012 and most families have to have two working people to make it!
While this list might be great for a woman whose husband treats her with the same amount of respect.
However, as a womans advocate who works with survivors and victims of domestic violence, I would like to point out a problem with this list. Time and time again women have told me that while they try to respect their husband and follow similar rules it does not giveaway to physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. I have countless examples of women who desperately try to respect their husband by making dinner, allowing him to make decisions, dress the way he likes, not complaining, complimenting him, providing sex whenever requested, and protecting his good name, yet without fail no matter how perfect she is it will not prevent him from berating her, raping her, or breaking bones and leaving bruises.
It would be a shame if a victim of domestic violence were to get ahold of this list and believe that because she wasn’t ” respectful” enough to her partner, she deserves the abuse she has been receiving.
October is domestic violence awareness month.
1 in 4 women will be a victim of domestic violence in their lifetime.
1 in 3 women will be raped by someone that is close to them.
Everyday 4 women die at the hands of their abuser.
Please support the women in your lives who in the eyes of their husbands are never respectful enough to be spared the emotional and physical lashings.
For more information on domestic violence please check out “Why Does She Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft and Helping Her Get Free” by Susan Brewster.
I was not shocked, but saddened to see some of the mean comments on Jennifer’s blog. Too many women out there apparently think that they are diminished when they give something to someone else…don’t they realize that giving makes you a bigger person? I thought all the ideas were great. I wonder if some of the critical ladies out there have ever tried some of these ideas….you might be surprised to find your husband reciprocate!
Its posts like these that make me sick to my stomach. Utterly ridiculous
This is a very powerful list. Yes, woman should respect their husbands; and also,men should respect their wife too. Imagine you have an abusive husband, should a woman continue to show him all this respect. I’ve found this verse
“1 Peter 3:7
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”
This is disgusting…
Eric M. says
As a guy, I just want to make it perfectly clear that this is a load of crap… In a relationship, I don’t want to be catered to and slaved over. Women who are independent, intelligent and confident in their own opinions and beliefs and who are willing to challenge their significant others and expect to be treated as equals are so much easier to appreciate and respect than women who act as sycophants and live only to tickle men’s egos.
I agree with the blog. But I don’t agree with the fact that the Womens is to show her love. Yes it is very imoortant to show her love of course. But it always seems to be women need love and men need respect. But it’s completely not split like that. Men need respect AND love. And women need love AND respect. In fact, love that you should show your spouse, like that love of God, should automatically have love built into it. So in total, LOVE.
Mrs. K.E.Ross says
i have been married 10 months, 2nd marriage. All of these, word-based “tips”, are in line with God’s word to wives to “respect your husband”. That was not a suggestion, it was a command. You have helped those of us who Googled, “what does it mean to respect my husband.” When people get honest, they don’t really know what true respect looks like. How many of us took “Respect Your Husband 101” in college? I did not practice ANY of these during my first marriage and it ended 11 months after we married. I never even celebrated a first anniversary. But, I know these are all good ways to “practice” respecting my husband. People show more respect for strangers than their own spouses. And I don’t understand the flack over #17. That is one of the easiest things in my marriage. My husband adores my body! He buys clothes he likes to see me in. Clothes for home, church, and work! One thing I shared with him not too long ago is how I do not feel comfortable being in gym clothes when he comes home and I’ve been home all day. It doesn’t feel right. Our intimacy level compels me to “respect” him in all these ways. Thank you for the wisdom, knowledge, and understanding. Be blessed in your marriage. I am.
Proverbs 18:2 A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion
Proverbs 14:1 The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.
Proverbs 10:8 The wise of heart will receive commandments, but a babbling fool will come to ruin.
Psalm 14:1-4 To the choirmaster. Of David. The fool says in his heart, “There is no God.”
Sue G. says
My 35 yr marriage only has one rule “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”.
Not everyone follows a religious or spiritual dogma. We have mutual respect for one another.
Thank you for sharing this list. Always a good reminder of how to treat one another. I have a very strong personality and it is difficult for me to not sometimes “steamroller” people, including my amazing husband. 🙂 While the list should be a two way street, I am only in charge of my own actions. To me, it’s a lot like forgiveness, it’s not always for the other person. Sometimes kindness actually makes life better even for you. 🙂 Thank you again.
I just want to point out that these twenty-five guidelines for respect are written by a Christian wife. These guidelines come from an understanding of God’s selfless love for us. It makes sense then that those who aren’t Christian wouldn’t understand or fathom why to take these into consideration in their relationships. They don’t understand why a person/woman would put someone before themselves. They believe putting themselves first makes them stronger and more independent.
There is no argument here. Those who believe in God and know of his great love for all would see these suggestions as a kind reminder of how we love each other. Those who don’t believe look through eyes of unbelief to see a “ridiculous” list.
My prayers go out to those who do not know Christ, who gave up his life to pay for all the bad choices and wrong things we do, so we can gain eternal life through his resurrection.
I really have to point out that being Christian has NOTHING to do with putting others before yourself. I do it all the time and I’m not Christian. You’re assumption there that one’s religion somehow makes them better at this is incredibly ignorant and downright offensive. I constantly put the needs of my husband and our friends and family before my own because it is often the right thing to do and I love those people so of course they come first, but not in all things because I also realize that what I want and think does matter and that my husband married me because of who I am as a person, not what I can do for him and not so he has something pretty to blindly do all he wants.
This list is pretty oldfashioned sexist. It’s one thing to put others before yourself and it’s another to make yourself what someone else wants, to throw off your own identity in favor of servitude to the likes and dislikes of another person. In fact, doing so you’re not showing respect you’re showing servitude which will only make your significant other take you for granted and lose respect for you.
To be sure some of these are just fine in moderation but the manner in which this was written really just says ‘what you actually want doesn’t matter, only his opinions and wants do, even when he’s wrong he’s still always right.’ The real key to a strong relationship is balance, equal respect and a sharing of life’s tasks.
Above all though, you can’t respect others if you don’t respect yourself.
I would first like to point out that since you are not a Christian, that you can’t really comment appropriately or correctly about what a Christian is like or what being a Christian is all about. I believe it is offensive that you are not allowing me to have my own opinion. I have the freedom to believe in my God and you have the freedom to believe or not believe whatever you want. I will not condemn you for whatever you choose to believe.
My comment referring to not understanding selflessness was a broad comment. I am glad that you abide by a moral code that says you should put the needs of your husband and children first. What I am saying is that you live by different thoughts and beliefs. Those beliefs make you feel like these guidelines are sexist and that people who would use these are showing servitude. That is the difference. Your interpretation of the list is based on your belief system. It’s clear that this list isn’t for you. I am simply stating that these guidelines are here to help Christian spouses love each other how God wants them to love. So if that doesn’t work for you, you don’t have to follow them.
I’m sorry that my post made you feel like arguing. You are right in the fact that couples need to keep a relationship in balance with respect and the sharing of tasks. There is a parallel list of guidelines available for husbands. I am not a perfect person, but I continually strive to be the best wife I can to my husband while still fulfilling the individual goals and plans God has for my life.
Very well said!
Whoa there, take a step back. I never said anything negative about being Christian or anything about what it means to be Christian, I’ve no issue with any person’s religious choices and feel that everyone is 100% entitled to their own beliefs (as long as they aren’t taking away the rights of others.) I had a problem with you saying that someone who ISN’T Christian can’t understand what it means to put others before them self exactly BECAUSE it was a broad statement which, quite frankly, puts Christians on one side and everyone else on the other.
Then I just sort of went on a tangent about the actual post that was less directed at you and more just my general feelings about the way the article is written and it’s overall tone. This part should have been in a separate post rather then in my reply to you so sorry about that.
” These guidelines come from an understanding of God’s selfless love for us. It makes sense then that those who aren’t Christian wouldn’t understand or fathom why to take these into consideration in their relationships. They don’t understand why a person/woman would put someone before themselves. They believe putting themselves first makes them stronger and more independent.”
That’s a little insulting as well. I am not Christian yet I follow these guidelines. I do understand why I put my husband first — it’s called selflessness. I don’t need religion to tell me that. Some people, even non-Christians, are nurturing, helpers, people who enjoy taking care of others.
Someone seems to be stuck in Little House on the Prairie times where women were maids, cooks and sex slaves.
Wow.. This comes straight out of the fifties, when men could beat their wives for not having dinner on the table on time, could come and go as they pleased, and were never expected to have to answer for their actions or decisions.. This is written as though ALL men are good men, and the sad fact is, they aren’t all good men.. I honestly think this is a joke.. It has to be.. I read your husband’s list as well, and I just have to say, “What a crock”.. If this works for you, great.. This is YOUR interpretation of what these scriptures mean.. In the old testament, the word “wife” actually meant SLAVE.. There was no LOVE between a husband and his slave.. Marriages were bought, and the “wives” simply learned their place.. That sounds like what you’re spewing.. Know your place, don’t question your husband’s judgments.. Just be happy being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, hanging on his every word.. o.O
PicklePop Flyer says
And If that list is too long to feel good about, the two MOST important things to remember are: 1) Show up naked. 2) Bring food!
Been married for years. That works every time!
Thank you for this list. I especially liked that you gave scripture references. The Word of God, the Bible, is the standard for truth.
My husband read the companion article and was very blessed. 🙂
To respect your spouse, you must first respect yourself and demand respect from them as well. There’s a huge difference between respecting someone and stroking their ego. This article makes no distinction between the two, which is bothersome. I do agree with some of this list. However, it’s written in such a condescending manner, it’s difficult to take seriously. I am not my husband’s servant, I am his PARTNER. When you become one, you are on the SAME LEVEL of authority, which indicates an EQUAL partnership. We both mind our home and each take care of the responsibilities that fit our strong suits. For instance, I’m better at managing our finances, so I handle the budget. If I relied solely upon him to manage our money, things would not be pretty. I suppose according to your list, I’d have to submit to every decision he made and accept my financial ruin joyfully, never questioning or stepping in as a voice of descent and reason…That sort of notion is counter-intuitive and ridiculous. When you love someone truly, you love them enough to recognize their struggles, lighten their load, and be the backbone at their weakest points. You also love them enough to be HONEST with them. I’m not going to sit quietly and watch my husband make mistakes that are detrimental to our future to protect his ego, that would not be loving in the slightest. Instead, I’m going to gently make suggestions in a respectful, kind manner and steer the boat back into the right direction.
Essentially, I make up where he lacks and in turn he makes up where I lack. It isn’t a perfect puzzle, but in my ideal world that’s the way I believe every relationship, romantic or otherwise, should function. We both make compromises and agree, which is also important. One spouse should not be making all the compromises and bending to the other’s will. That’s a miserable situation for both parties involved. A marriage should never be favorable to one spouse only. I think another thing that is imperative is to have a sense of humor and laugh with each other.
I read the other list in regard to a husband’s duty in showing love as well and both lists are certainly uneven when compared. I believe both spouses should be expected to do fulfill the same, exact needs for one another. This is the only way to avoid one spouse feeling cheated. You shouldn’t have to swallow your fate in a pill and put on a smile to deal with it. This of course is my opinion, but I also recognize there’s a reason many 1950’s housewives were sneaking brandy every chance they got…It certainly wasn’t because they were happy being totally subservient to their husbands all the time either. I value my husband and he values me, but neither one of us has to submit to the other and “sit pretty” as it were to do so. It doesn’t make sense and it isn’t healthy. Just because something APPEARS ideal, doesn’t mean it’s actually a good thing inside and out.
If we’re strictly adhering to the Biblical standards, then you forgot the part about going off into the wilderness away from your husband for the duration of your mensuration cycle…: )
oh doll, thank you. this is the funniest thing I’ve read all day. <3
I agree and have practiced this to my utmost with being sure I fell short in a few areas. For the most part I did my part and gone beyond.
My second ex, who is not a believer, has undermined me to elevate himself to a third party. Has tried to control my time with friends to the point of confrontation upon which I could have called the police. He is mostly skilled at verbal berating and again tries to be my superior in intellectual disagreements. I’ve lost my trust in him that he has my back and that we are friends. We’ve tried a few times to reconcile only for me to turn and run at his sharp divisive words that pierce my heart. He is always sorry but for every advance he makes he sabotages it by his meanness sending the relationship backwards again and again. There is a certain love I have for him that I find difficult to relinquish. There are other details like he and I dated when I was 19 and sparks flew….circumstances separated us only to rekindle and marry 20 + years later. We are now divorced and I have refused his attempts to converse/talk or text because I feel like I be sucked back in.
I guess I am just trying to sift through the rumble and settle on some solid ground. Just sad.
PS He’s been living with his mom now for over a year. He’s not paying rent or utilities. That really is a turn off and a tell-tale.
Rachel, I hear your pain (have lived under similar circumstances). It sounds to me, without wanting to be harsh, that “that ship as sailed”. Get your self some therapy to gain healing and perspective on your abusive marriage and I think your decision to protect yourself by ignoring his advances are very wise. Listen to your inner wisdom…even when it is hard at first. I can tell you for sure…this kind of advice (in original article) are a death sentence to abusive marriages. There is never any list of things you can ‘do better” that will make him stop abusing. you deserve respect, trust, and a fresh start! <3
Julie Freeman says
I’ve been with my husband for two decades. I respect him, admire him and love him. I have no problem catering to him when I can because it makes me feel good to do something for him that makes him happy. I expect the same attitude from him. However, I couldn’t help but cringe at the idea that all important decisions should be deferred to one’s husband. That doesn’t sound like a partnership at all and, personally, that is what I want out of marriage. We’re partners-a team-why , if I unequivocally do not agree, would I just put my concerns aside? Why would HE not care about my concerns? Constantly putting your concerns and happiness aside does not make a good marriage. I was also disappointed that the author seems to assume that if you’re a wife and mother you are a stay-at-home wife and mother. Making sure the house is always tidy for him or dinner is on the table “on time” (whatever that means) is a antiquated idea-we work together to keep the house clean and make meals because we both work full-time. And I can’t even believe I read this one, “Choose clothes your husband finds flattering, both in public and around the house.” C’mon-that is seriously ridiculous. Just my opinion but a more balanced approach has worked for us for twenty years.
While reading this I have to admit, initially I got angry. But as other people have pointed out, this is one woman’s opinion. If I look at these 25 items as a whole, I can see the general idea and worth behind them (most of them). What I find interesting is that so many people jump to defend the author and say that this was not written to offend or be sexiest or demean women. How do YOU know how she meant this article to be taken? Perhaps a controversy is what she was seeking, perhaps not. The author doesn’t seem to feel the need to defend herself – rightfully so, as this is a free country & she’s certainly entitled to her opinion- so why do you feel the need to defend her and attack people who are stating their opinions. Maybe you are trying to justify your actions to yourself. Most people who are sure of themselves and their choices do not feel the need to defend. You are your own person, if you love yourself and treat yourself with respect that feeling will be passed onto to the ones you love.
Personally, I believe a healthy, loving relationship is created and maintained through an equal partnership in all aspects. My 3 ideals in my relationship: Say I love you as much as possible, learn to forgive and love like there’s no tomorrow. Oh and you’d be surprised what a physical gesture can do in the heat of an argument, something as simple as a resting your hand on his or putting your arm around him.
The item that offended me the most was #25 – I understand the bigger picture behind it but what made me so mad was this phrase “Learn to defer to your husband’s wishes and let final decisions rest with him.” Now please tell me how this was not meant to degrade the thoughts and opinions of the wife – “Learn to defer to your husbands wishes.” Even if that means he is going directly against your wishes because he’s the MAN and therefore knows all and knows best (doubtful). I just feel the author meant that phrase exactly as it is written, otherwise she would have worded it differently. To me, this is highly offensive and degrading – to others this may work for them. Oh also, I feel this article was directed towards housewives. Simply my opinion of this article, just like this article is the authors opinion. I do find the multitude of reactions all across the board amusing, if the author was seeking a reaction she certainly got it.
why is this written by a women, surely this is from a females perspective and would be more accurate from a males perspective?!
I like this. I can’t force my husband to behave how I want him to (and there’s NO way he’ll go reading a blog looking for suggestions) so I really only have control over myself. I figure if I’m smiling, joyful, & affectionate and give a rip about myself, my house, & my family as you’ve so controversially suggested, it just might be a win/win. When someone needs to get the ball rolling in a positive direction, why not me?
So have sex when he wants it, have dinner ready when he wants it, and be an obedient wife. Right. Got it.
You forgot one- only wear clothes he thinks you look acceptable in. ALL THE TIME.
So nausated by Jennifer’s opinions and all those that followed in that path of thinking. I thought it was a joke at first. Mutual respect Jennifer, That is what the article should have stated. Stepford wives are a thing of the past.
This is the biggest load of crap I’ve ever read.
I totally agree HJ
Women need encouragement to respect, because loving comes so naturally to them. Men need encouragement to love their wives because that is what women crave – to be loved and cherished. No one is demanding action from you, its simply a list of suggestions to improve your intimacy. If you have perfect intimacy in your relationship, then great, if you dont, I like the try ten things and get back to us idea. Its not archaic, it’s about providing each other with what we desire in a relationship. Really, dont knock it til you’ve tried it. Not meant flippantly, just try it, both of you, and see how it works out.
1) This article was written by a woman to women. That’s why it is directed to wives. Men who want to improve themselves and their marriages should be looking elsewhere, and they do.
2) Not only is she a woman, she is a *Christian* woman who respects and believes the Bible. If you don’t, it’s not necessarily directed at you either. If you find it helpful, great!
3) It’s “25 ways to show respect”, not “25 ways you had better show respect or else” (every one of which must be done by every wife in order to show respect). Do them all. Choose those that work for you and your husband. We all agree that respect is important.
4) And finally, a counselor made the following comment (which I have heard from other sources as well) on the author’s husband’s “25 Ways to Show Your Wife You Love Her” page :
“I don’t think the lists were meant to be the same, nor were the lists meant to be a reflection of one another. Did you see something in this list that means it is not important to respect your wife? Did you see something in her list that said it is not important to love your husband? If so, maybe I missed it.
“I counsel couples all the time. While some men talk about whether their wives love them, we do get more comments from husbands about their wives not showing respect. Two of the biggest is how she refers to him like he’s another one of her children, and how she nags him like he’s one of the kids. While some women talk about not feeling respected, most talk about a lack of connection, a lack of intimacy (emotional, but also sometimes physical), being disregarded in all sorts of little things (like the toilet seat, and him not turning off the television or not putting down the magazine when they’re talking).
“So I see these lists played out in day-to-day marriages. The type of direction the statistically average woman needs is different, too. On a relational level, about 80% of women can put a more general principle into action. On a relationship level, it seems to be between a fifth up to half of men seem easily able to do the same – they often want more concrete examples of exactly what to do (like “put your dirty clothes in the hamper”). Maybe the general population is different, but this is what I see in my office.
“Thus, when I saw these lists appearing so different and with such different themes and approaches, I simply chalked it up to “she wrote what she felt was important to her husband from the point of view of a woman” and “he wrote what he thought was important to his wife from the point of view of a man.” Pretty simple to me.”
(Part of a comment by Scot Conway, on August 29, 2012 at 12:55 AM. The rest of his comment has some useful information.)
I agree with Bryan/Bryan’s girlfriend! I think this would not be so offensive to me if it were called “25 Ways to Respect EACH OTHER”. there are some very good points that are necessary actions in a relationship. But to call it “25 Ways to Respect Your Husband” just seems wrong to me. Do what you will, we are all different in how we love and approach relationships…but I don’t like it…no ma’am not one bit!
One last thought, the counterpart to this is “25 Ways to Show Your Wife that You Love Her” or something like that….where’s the respect for the wife?! Why does she show her love and she shows him respect? Seems like both lists should be a two way street to me.
Your question is perfectly legit, but like it or not studies have shown that the number one thing men want in a relationship is respect and the number one thing women want is love. Now, as Christians we believe that is how God made us, but even if you are not a Christian numerous studies and surveys point to this fact. So that is why the titles are what they are.
Jennifer Flanders says
You are absolutely right, Rachelle. Here is something my husband posted on this subject:
“I’ve been around smart powerful women my whole life. Usually, they are awash in respect. Their talent, intelligence, and wisdom command it. They find respect wherever they go. Their employers respect their hard work and dedication; their colleagues respect their insights and integrity; their church and charitable organization leaders respect their contributions of time and resources to the various causes; their children’s teachers and coaches respect their involvement and commitment; even their neighbors respect their polite disposition and manicured yards. Respect is all around them; but love, that is something else entirely. It is not so easy to find and often even harder to keep. For a woman to be loved by a man — passionately, deeply, with all that he is towards all that she is — is a rare thing indeed. It’s an ephemeral thing that cannot be earned the way respect can. But it’s a gift a husband can give to his wife every day of her life, and when he does, it is both beautiful and magical.”
Wow, I have been married 30 years last week. I can tell you from experience because I have NOT done most of those items listed, my marriage is in trouble today. I have disrespected my husband in so many ways (no adultery) but other ways. I have caused problems where there was none. He was so dedicated to me, he was a husband that wanted to talk and talk about our feelings. He made us a family when we got married, I DIDN’T. He was my husband but I used him in so many ways with the encouragement of my mom and sister. They are both negative, jealous and hate everyone that is in my life and I didn’t get it. My husband is also the person that led me to the Lord and I can never thank him enough for that. So for the ladies or men out there that have a problem with the list, I feel for you and hope that someday you are not setting there being married for 30 + years and in trouble and wished you had thought about all of this. I wished I had all this to do over again and could go back and fix the damage I have done to my marriage.
But for now, I am trying to a better me, pray every day and work on doing the things on the list especially respecting my husband.
To give you an example of the disrespect I have shown him. My sister complained that my husband was disrespecting my brother in law which I never saw and I actually attacked my husband over it. Isn’t it a case of brother in law to brother in law or sister to sister. My sister and brother in law and with the help of me, made it between me and my husband. Talk about stupid on my part.
Sorry to ramble but I get so emotional over all the ugliness and waste.
I find this ridiculous its the 21st century not the 18th women have opinions and they also work. I think it is an equal thing to make things work not all that biblical crap.
You are right Kellea-women have opinions, so why are you being so hard on a woman that is just posting HER opinion? That goes for the rest of you with negative comments. YOU have opinions and SHE has opinions. I haven’t seen anything from the author putting down anybody elses opinions or making derogatory comments about others religion. If she has, please let me know and I will retract my statement.
This is possibly the most horrifying article ever. The fact that someone women will write this down and take it serious.
THIS IS SOOOOOOOO OLD!! women, respect your man as he respects you!!! times have changed, youre not a mans slave anymore!!! make him work for your love and you work for his! we all deserve it! im not saying we shouldnt cherrish our husbands, but lets get real, there is more to love than “obeying” rules!
Emily (@FitandFreeEmily) says
Also, I find it very interesting that the follow-up post to this is “how to show your wife you love her.” Not respect her. That list is pretty demeaning as well.
I’m proud that my husband and I respect EACH OTHER and hold our opinions to the same level. I’m not some blind sheep that follows his demands. And he doesn’t DEMAND that I do anything. Wake up, people.
this list is not saying anything about a husband demanding anything. i am certain that her husband respects her just the same. and I am also certain he holds her opinions at his level. and that he isn’t expecting her to be perfect. and that he doesn’t see her as his slave.
That’s right Jess, make sure you get respect FIRST! Don’t give respect unless you know you’re getting something in return! Oh by the way, would you like a cup of juice before your nap? You sound a little cranky.
Wow I’m surprised by some of the reactions. I think that people have forgotten how to think for themselves. They are so used to having things shoved at them that they’ve built up a wall so that instead of seeing the love they see the way it could be used for the negative. People it’s very simple she wasn’t saying in all things like an affair and abuse be joyful but in everyday life be joyful as much as you can. Try not to mope around or be upset about everything. She wasn’t trying to say you must have sex every time whether or not you want to and so make it rape. I know for me I don’t want to a lot more than I do so sometimes when I don’t really feel like it I realize that I don’t really have a reason not to and it has been awhile so I accept and it turns out that I just needed some warming up. I do say no though when I really don’t want to so just be your own judge and see if your being lazy, something needs to be resolved in the relationship, or if you really don’t feel like it. If my husband told me no all the time my feelings would be hurt and I’m sure your’s would as well. I could explain each one to you but I really feel that you should be using your own brain and adjust her advice to your own life. Her words are the way she saw it from her life and she can’t adjust to everyones likes and dislikes. No matter if your a feminist or not this is a good list to show respect for a lot of men just don’t take it to the extremes that’s just silliness. This is not about your feminism no one is taking that away by suggesting ways you can show respect to the person you love and feel complete with and your feminist side is in no way affected by your displays of respect. Oh and another thing please remember that this was written out of love and respect and we can at least return that to her. Being on the internet where we are not seen does not give us the excuse to be rude and so unloving or unfriendly. Approach things with love in your heart not anger. Oh and as for the whole bible thumping shoving women back in the kitchen it’s untrue. Some people may believe that way but not all and in the bible God calls men to love their wives like he loved the church. How did he love the church? He laid down his life for it. If a man is laying down his life for his wife then how much respect and love would she get from him? Sounds like equal ground to me. Women love and respect your husbands, husbands lay down your lives for your wives. If they are leading and they are willing to die for me then I’m behind him and if he’s going off track I can let him know I’m not a silent by partner but as he loves me and again is willing to die for me I can trust him to lead me and to listen to me. Ok I think that’s it now lol. Thank you all 😀
Dr. Steve R. Lynn says
God sincerely bless you. I would many times over rather be married to a true woman of God as yourself than any of those hard women making hard comments. a man wants a loving, kind, spiritual wife, not a woman who is into what the world is all about. They are sometimes two diametrically opposed paths.
Since you’re telling me my marriage will fail if I don’t prioritize my husband’s opinions, I best never read your blog again. He told me this list is atrocious, inaccurate, and offensive.
Jennifer Flanders says
If your husband is offended by your reading this blog, Ali, then by all means cease and desist. If, however, it’s the ideas set forth in this post that he finds so offensive — the notion that a wife should value her husband’s opinion and honor his wishes being among them — then he has you in a catch-22. You could ignore his opinion and do as you please, but if that’s really what he would have you do, then you’re back to honoring his wishes, which he allegedly considers anathema. So I propose an experiment. Pick 10 of the 25 items on this list and do them faithfully for two weeks, then (a) see if he notices, (b) see if he minds, and (c) report back. Or not.
ClothDiapers SaveMoney says
Thank you for your list, I have enjoyed reading it as well as the comments 🙁 some sad as they are. I am thankful for a list that does not tell me what I will get in return for doing each item, because my motives need to be Biblical and not selfish. As a Christian, educated, happily married wife and mother, I thank you for your time and perspective. It is the kind of article I need to read once a week to remind me of my husbands needs. (who needs to be reminded of their own needs, right?)
#25 is not about control, it is about trust. Showing your husband that you trust him to make decisions makes a huge impact on him. When we have a big decision to make my husband and I discuss it at length, talk about the pros and cons, listen to each others feelings on the subject… then if I ask him to make the final decision he knows that I trust him completely to be leaving that responsibility up to him. There are also times when he asks me to make the final decision and I do. My husband is a smart man, who loves me and wants the best for our family- why wouldn’t I trust him with making important decisions?
I think I have some points I’d like to offer here. I have been blessed with a rock, solid, still crazy in love marriage for 39 years. There are three in our marriage which have kept our love aglow. The husband, the wife, and Christ. We each wear a ring engraved with “Each for the other, Both for God.” When marriages fail it would be because one or the other left out the third partner. What disturbs me about the sweet little wife to do list above is it is pretty one sided. The rules make it appear like it is a dictatorship…even legalistic. When a husband and wife love each other first of all, they wouldn’t need these rules, and it would come naturally for them BOTH to be considerate and loving toward ONE ANOTHER. I have five daughter’s , we raised them and watched their personalities grow and develop over the years. Now, they are grown young women. And to the three that are married, as a mother I can be grateful that my daughters’ can be good wives in happy marriages, and I can feel pleased that she has not lost who she is…in lieu of being a ‘good wife.
And the same with him. It goes both ways. Fairness. Respect begets respect. No rules needed.
You have referred to men as “idiots”, “stupid” and “clueless” at least 6 different times, if not more. So what I take away from that is that a man has to have a woman constantly riding his butt to correct him and point out his faults so he’ll be able to see how he should change. That’s asinine. While I know you were making a good hearted attempt to refute the author’s points, you have basically just summed up a large problem with our culture today: the feminization of men. Men should be constantly corrected by their women for their own good b/c they are “idiots” and uncapable of seeing their shortcomings on their own. This is simply not true. God did create us as equals in marriage, but with different roles to fulfill. As the man “wusifies” and the wife becomes overbearing to make up for lack of leadership, the roles start to reverse. The husband, used to being corrected, feels no respect. The wife, who is constantly correcting the husband, sees no results and gets resentful. At this point it’s only a matter of time before things go south, and may be un-recoverable. Men and women are not idiots, but we are sinners living in a broken world that advocates the wrong way to do things (especially in marriage) so the author’s points actually make the most sense, but they would b/c they are biblically based. I know you are not a believer, so some of this seems strange, but don’t let a woman treat you like an “idiot” even if you think you are.
Heather A. says
I thought this article was great. I don’t for one second think that I am doing an injustice to my sex because I feel that way. My husband and I are partners. We work together toward common goals. Most of these 25 things, are basic relationship expectations. Would I want to be seen in public with my spouse looking like a slob? Not at all. Why shouldn’t I dress nicely for him as well? In our relationship, we made the decision that he would be the bread winner and I would would take on the role of housewife. When he was unemployed and looking for work, the roles switched, I worked while he job hunted, and took care of the house and cooking. 🙂 Once again it goes to being a partnership. Change the Title to Wife, and see what response you get. 🙂
At first while I was reading this, my feminist red flags were going up. The way this post is written makes it seem like women should be submissive to their husbands. Then I took a closer look at the over-all message of the post and realized that most of these refer to basic respect for another person including spouses. A good majority of these things I do anyways, not out of some obligation, but because I want to make my husband happy and my husband wants to make me happy. The only one I completely disagree with is #25; my husband and I are equal partners, if there is a desision to be made then we are making it together. The reason this post seems so sexist is because it is only telling what the woman should do for her husband. If both spouses are doing the things mentioned on this list then it really isn’t sexist; it’s just respect for each other. By the way, I am pagan and my husband is agnostic.
In the update after the list, there is a link to “25 Ways to Show Your Wife You Love Her”. If you haven’t taken a look at it, you might find it interesting too.
Also, an unrelated thought that I just wanted to add to the conversation: I think most of us go to the trouble when dating to look good, be respectful, show affection, etc. to the men we date. Why should we stop just because we get married? Just a thought.
this is the most ridiculous and sexist thing I have ever read. If this is what religion does to you I am very glad I am an atheist.
I can see where you could think this is ridiculous. I am a Christian myself, but may not agree with what other Christians see or do. We are different people and none of us can say we have it all figured out, or that any of us are perfect, etc etc… so PLEASE don’t judge all Christians based on what you hear from one or two or even more. I am a Christian but am NOT religious, there is a difference.
Hmm, I’ve read through a few of the comments and I can see both sides. Most of these are bible based, and being a christian wife I can appreciate that. But I think that the way most of the points are written comes across the wrong way. Reading this I feel like if I am not doing all this things just right, I am somehow failing as a wife. It doesn’t feel very nice, and I can see how people would lash out. And while a heaps of these are great suggestions, a lot I do, and more I will take on, others would not work for my husband and I. A few examples: we always do the washing and clean the house together, it’s both our mess and that’s how we do things. When I want my husband to do something I try to only ask him once. When he forgets (every time) he tells me I should have nagged him about it!? You don’t know how often I hear ‘You should/shouldn’t have let me do that/eat that’ when I am trying not to tell him what to do! When he is actually wrong, it doesn’t make sense to let him think he is right.. We have never had a real fight. Haha and #17 while I ask my husband what he thinks of what I wear, we both dress for comfort at home. Haha I don’t brush my hair and, (gasp), I don’t believe a shower every day is a necessary part of life. I also only use water to wash myself.. Plus I am the one who looks after all financial stuff etc.. So anyway, my opinion is that if these were worded a bit differently, they might be taken a bit better by people who do not understand the bible side of things, and people would understand that they are suggestions, and not feel like they are being condemned for not doing any of them..
As a guy…I find this rather horrible. It just looks so antiquated. Perhaps I am reading this to be more extreme than it is meant, so I will try to clarify myself.
1. Choose Joy: Yes. Obviously any human being should try to choose joy over unhappiness. But don’t rejoice in everything – if he’s doing something stupid or being a bad person, TELL HIM. Seriously. We won’t stop being idiots otherwise.
2. Honor His Wishes: True, a relationship should be partially built on thinking that the other person’s opinions are important. But it shouldn’t be so one-sided; if you have a differing opinion or think something should be done differently, say it! And don’t make him the priority in everything, either, because girls need time to do their own stuff. Guys should honor girl’s wishes, too.
3. Undivided Attention: If you’re working on something when he’s talking to you, chances are he’ll understand if you’re only half-listening. Undivided attention is only needed up to a certain point with any human being, otherwise it starts to come across as obsessive and creepy.
4. Don’t Interrupt: Well…okay. I don’t have much to say on this one, because it’s true. But, again, a lot of relationships work differently, and if you’re finishing each other’s sentences more often than not it just means you’re following the same train of thought, which is a good thing.
5. Focus on Good Points: No. No no no no no. I mean, don’t make anyone’s bad points your sole focus, but you do need to pay attention to them and be aware of the bad things. That way you can work on changing them – but if those bad qualities are TOO bad, get out of there. Beauty and the Beast was a kid’s movie, not a lesson on life.
6. Prayer: I’m not religious so maybe this will be incredibly biased, but not telling your husband your concerns is a terrible way to run a relationship. If he’s a decent person, he will care about your problems and try to help you through them.
7. Don’t Nag: Oh dear. Look. Guys are idiots. We really are. If you don’t nag us every once in a little while, we won’t change at all. Don’t rely on some dude in the sky to do your work for you.
8. Don’t Take things for Granted: True. But if he takes you for granted, that’s a bad thing. A VERY bad thing. Again, keep things from being so one-sided in a relationship.
9. Smiling: Welp. I won’t deny that smiling is a good thing. Obviously don’t smile TOO much, otherwise it just gets creepy. But true, smiling makes the world a better place.
10. This constitutes rape, in my book. If you don’t want sex, seriously tell him. Any decent guy will actually understand. He might mope a little bit, but if he’s a decent individual he’ll get over it.
11. Oh for crying out loud…Look. We are human beings. We are judgmental creatures. We will always compare women with other women, and likewise women will do the same. If anything it is can be a good thing if we realize what our partner wants so that we can change ourselves – it shows us a different perspective. Besides, everyone needs a celebrity-girlfriend/boyfriend to jokingly fawn over.
12. I…whatever. I can’t think of anything really coherent to say about this one, so I’ll pass on it.
13. Meals: From the sounds of it, the way you do things is good: you take everyone’s preferences into consideration, including your husband. If you have a family with a husband and kids, it usually works to rotate everyone’s favorite meals (yours included) into the dinner menu, so that everyone has a meal to look forward to. Make the husband and kids cook one night, too, so that you can have a night to gloat in how awesome your own cooking is and ensure that they appreciate you, too.
14. Being close together does help strengthen a relationship even if you aren’t necessarily doing something together. Obviously, though, everyone needs their own personal space, too, so don’t take it to an extreme; if he’s working on something stressful or you just need some time alone, don’t force yourself to be near each other. Separation makes the heart grow fonder, as they say.
15. Everyone needs someone to complain to. When you’re in a relationship, this usually means your partner is that person. If you have something to complain about, go right ahead. The only time it becomes a problem is if complaining becomes the primary discussion topic with your partner, because then it’s just all based on negativity.
16. In the sense that they’re correcting waaaay to much, yes. Stop. But if they make annoying mistakes that are a bit more severe, go right ahead and correct them, especially if it truly means making the story or discussion more coherent. Again, we guys are idiots and make mistakes all the time. Correct us from time to time, and we might actually STOP making them.
17. Dress the way you want to dress, not how your husband wants you to dress. Guys know diddly-squat about clothes – well, unless we’re in fashion design, but that’s a different scenario entirely – so don’t feel obligated to dress in something uncomfortable just because we think it looks nice on you.
18. True, a house should be clean, but make sure you’re not the only one doing the work. If you get the kids and husband to do some cleaning, it makes them feel a bit more like they are truly a part of the house and are attached to it, not to mention gets us away from our computers and books.
19. I think this plays more into simply being content when situations are out of your control. If your husband or partner should have done something obvious to get him a raise or something, tell him! Seriously, we’re clueless sometimes. Another perspective can do wonders on a career or life in general.
20. Take his advice if it is actually something useful. True, sometimes us guys do know more than you might think, but again it all comes back to human beings being idiots. Sometimes people suggest things that really are just horrible ideas.
21. This comes off as a bit too much like puppy-love, which can only endure for so long. Based off how my parents act and how my own friendships have gone, a healthy long-lasting relationship is based more off accepting that person as a companion, and knowing that maybe they aren’t the most perfect thing in existence but that they can provide companionship and friendship more necessary than anything else. My parents will look at each other lovingly sometimes, but they aren’t afraid to give the other person a glare if they’re annoying them every once in a while.
22. If you’re bashing on your husband in public all the time, obviously that’s a bad thing. But don’t feel like you have to always compliment him or something. Seriously. None of us are perfect. If we’ve done something really stupid lately, tell your friends about it to vent your frustration. If he’s still a really great guy, chances are you won’t NEED to tell people that, otherwise it just comes off as bragging.
23. Forgiveness is a good thing, I won’t deny that. But sometimes people do things that you just can’t bring yourself to forgive, things that are unspeakably horrible. Maybe you can forgive them later, but don’t just automatically try to forgive everything. If he’s done something terrible, either get out of there or do your best to make things right again.
24. Arguments happen. They’re a necessary part of any relationship. And if you really are in the right, or your husband really is in the wrong…don’t apologize needlessly. Otherwise whatever you were arguing about will never be solved – it will just fester, like a wound, and show up even worse later on.
25. Geez this is horrible. A relationship is built on two people becoming as one: in order for that to happen, both of you have to have your own input. The way you word it makes it seem as if you’re just his puppet, following his lead and doing nothing on your own free will. Your husband isn’t God, he’s just another stupid human. Understand that, move past it, and work together to becoming a functioning unit.
Don’t take this as rude or hateful. I just think that the way this is worded comes off as horribly disrespectful to a woman’s individuality. As a guy, most of us don’t just want some sort of pawn who will obey our every will – that mindset was abandoned ages ago for most of us. Most guys want someone who balances them out, who is willing to argue and have differing opinions while still sharing something in common. Both a man and a woman should work together to forge a single, unified relationship in which both parties have input and are doing something productive to try and keep the relationship balanced, rather than one person doing everything to keep things in order.
S.J. Wright says
There is no logical reason that a husband’s opinion should be more important than his wife’s opinion. The Bible is a collection of stories written by MEN thousands of years ago. It should have NO impact on our lives today.
And yes, I’m angry. Women fought for the right to vote and succeeded. If it were up to the bible thumpers, we would be magically transported back to the days before we proved we were equal to men.
Any woman reading this list should be angry. Anger is a natural human emotion. Anger is what wives should feel when their husband cheats. Anger is what wives should feel when their opinions are dismissed because some old book said that’s the way it should be. Anger is what a wife should feel when she is pressured by her husband to have sex when she doesn’t feel good or just doesn’t feel like doing it.
To not be angry is to bow down to the idea that you are less of a human being than your husband is. Let’s put it this way. This list reminds me of what radical Muslims would advise their wives to do. Luckily, here in American, your husband isn’t allowed to kill you for not following the list of rules.
Wake up, ladies! It’s okay to be yourself. That’s what America is about.
Jennifer Flanders says
Being yourself does not necessitate being angry. For me, “being myself” means being nice to my husband and encouraging other wives to do the same. And yes, I am so thankful to live in America where I am free to do those things, as well as to read and believe the Bible, which rightfully has a HUGE impact on how many, many people live their lives today.
As someone who has such an opinion of the Bible, you know nothing of what it says, and apparently are interpreting Jennifer’s words from a complete bias. The Bible never says wives opinions or needs should be dismissed, it never says that sex should be forced. It is quite clear that a married couple are to fit together like puzzle pieces and compliment one another. Have you ever done a dance, or watched a professional dance duo. It is quite beautiful to see the two move in harmony. Harmony involves a lot of giving of oneself. No relationship will work without giving of oneself. This list is written to women, who have been married and want a reminder of HOW to give of oneself, because far to often people stop trying once they are married. This list is the way to show respect to anyone, it is a list FOR women being written by a woman, so it doesn’t address how the man is to reciprocate but it doesn’t dismiss it either. In a relationship we can only change ourselves; if we aren’t constantly trying to better ourselves as a partner in a relationship, and all we want to do is take, we can never achieve that perfect harmony. You are filled with anger because you are thinking only of yourself and not of the partner in the relationship. Nothing in this list suggests women be walked all over or be treated as Muslim women are treated.
I’m in a relationship with a Muslim man and he treats me far better than this and doesn’t expect me follow rules or bend to his wishes in any way. He’s respectful of my sexual boundaries. He has never told me what to wear or what to think and he values my opinions as much as I value his. The majority of Muslim men are not extremists and do not treat women as less human. Its only the extreme few that are in the news that give the rest a bad name. However the majority of Christian men that I know expect women to be nothing more than smiling little objects with no thoughts or feeling of their own. The bible depicts women as less than men. Christianity is terrible for women and any woman who can follow these rules and claim to have any self-respect is either delusional or an idiot.
“any woman who can follow these rules and claim to have any self-respect is either delusional or an idiot.”
How very insulting. Also, so not true. I think this is all a case of “to each their own.”
I follow these ideas and I’m not Christian. Nor am I controlled, subservient, or any of the other adjectives that have been used to describe the women who follow these ideas.
I keep saying this but some folks just aren’t getting it — my husband does not expect nor require this from me. I give this freely. Honestly? I was single for a very long time and I struggled quite a bit. I don’t want “control” of this relationship nor do I need to “wear the pants.” I follow his lead willingly. It’s a much easier, nicer, happier life for me this way.
It may not work for you. It may offend your sensibilities. It doesn’t matter to me. For me, it works. If what you are doing is working for your, that’s awesome.
But, please, leave the insults out of this.
Jessica, this isn’t a list of demands a Christian man should have for his wife. It’s a list of ideas of how to show respect to your husband that women can CHOOSE to do if they wish. Once again… this is not a list of RULES, it is a list of ideas. No one is forcing women to adhere to a list someone blogged about.
You are far too angry…wow.
Best response yet!!!
THANK YOU. Your rebuttal list is much better, as I was reading through the original one all I could think is that it was telling me I should drop everything of my own and only focus on my husband’s wants and needs. A relationship, be it romantic or platonic, needs balance and compromise to thrive. Constantly deferring to the other person in the relationship and forever putting everyone else before yourself will only leave you mentally exhausted and frustrated. It’s a lot of this kind of forcing yourself to pretend to be happy kind of stuff that leads to such high rates of depression and anxiety in women (and anyone else forcing them self to pretend everything is great and the problems they have with others don’t exist) And I won’t even get into how foolish it is to wait for god to change things in your life, if you don’t work toward things yourself they don’t happen.
this list is refreshing. I would call it “balanced”. It hurt me (a female) to hear you keep calling yourself (males)” idiots” …but then you did kinda bring it back around to all of humanity having a tendancy to be “stupid” at times (which is fair enough)…but this is what i see as being a sensible approach to a relationship.
I was saturated with lists/teachings the this one (original post) going into my marriage. Unfortunately for me i married i man (unknowningly) who has highly abusive tendancies, overly-sensitive ego, and much “entitlement” mixed with anger issues. (yes we were both born-again christians at the time…none of this surfaced until after the wedding day). I did EVERYTHING i could to follow a list like this and all it did was feed the monster. Things got worse and i got depressed, feeling stuck in a hell-hole but always choosing to “be joyful” and “only speak good of him to others” and “guard his reputation”.
The day I said “to hell” with all that dogma and TOLD THE TRUTH about my life to anyone who sincerely cared was the beginning of freedom and healing for me. It truly was a really good and right decission. Also getting help from “professionals” not just christian counselors/ who repeat the same rhertoric of “trusting god” “forgiving” and “submitting more/better”.
We are still together as he has taken some responsibility (taking part in a group for abusive men) and I am not financially independent based on our past “christian” lifestyle choices. I am currently working on bettering myself by doing things that help build my sense of “self”…understanding what my true “wants” and interrests are. Those questions did not even exist in my previous paradigm. It was always: “what do my parents want?”, what does God want?” and then “what does my husband want?” and then “what do my kids need/want?” To have someone ask “what do YOU want?” made me feel troubled because i had no answer to that question. I mean sure i had a few preferences in life, my personality wasn’t “dysfunctional” in the sense that I still had a will (a strong one) but i had been so programmed to “only” think of others in every situation when i had to think of “me” it felt like looking into a black hole. I’m happy to say that I am improving. Dreams are forming. I am feeling more confident every day. I leave my husbands issues and insecurity with him (as much as possible, it still drags me down sometimes) , but i DO NOT attempt to make him happy. I can do 25 things “right” and he will still find the 26th thing i’m not doing to go off about if he’s in the mood or feels sudenly (unexplainably) neglected.
I was only able to have the courage to make this choice (because yes going against the values you’ve been raised to believe are the only RIGHT way to do life does take courage…and talking of shameful things like abuse takes even more…)i was only able to find this courage when i looked at my kids and knew that if i wanted to mother them successfully i needed to find a better way. I think that if only i had been handed a list more like this commentor’s I could have saved my self so much heartache
and needless SILENT suffering.
S. Stern says
excellent reply! my jaw dropped as I was reading the article and comments – it’s good to know there’s someone out there that has some sense!
Joan Cichon says
Excellent – women do not exist to make men look good. People should support each other in relationship regardless of gender.
love this post, well said.
change the name of the blog to “25 ways to communicate respect to each other” this is not just the women’s job. I am not by all means an expert at relationships, i also make my own mistakes by doing or not doing things that i should or should not do! Most of all this is just common sense, treat others the way you want to be treated, cater to your husband cause he caters to you, when your happy he is happy, listen and communicate in return he will listen and communicate, be thankful for each other, be affectionate towards each other dont lose the passion in the relationship. Admire each other, protect each other! If you love your husband/wife all of this is natural!!! Yes days you will have your arguments and isnt always as easy as these 25 tips that are listed!
the blog isnt outdated but it is not things that the wife should do for the husband its what you do for each other!- My opinion
I absolutely agree. This isn’t a list about placating a sourly husband – it’s about finding ways to love, respect, and please one another. I think Jennifer updated her original post with a link to her husband’s on how husbands can show love to their wives.
This is the most disrespectful and sexist list I have ever seen. As a male I am absolutely ashamed to be part of the same sex as the creator of this list. Your outdated beliefs that woman must do everything to please their husband is appalling. It’s time to stop hiding behind the bible and all of its bigotry and to accept everyone as equals. Your lord did not put women on this earth to be your slave, in fact there is no proof that your lord actually exists. My advice to you is that you should treat your wife with the same respect that you expect to receive. I suggest you get with the times and build some self confidence so that you don’t have to have your wife do it for you. I hope you burn in your imaginary hell, bigot.
Jennifer Flanders says
Bryan, it may comfort you to learn that you do not in fact share the same sex as the author of this blog. As incredulous as it may be, this post was written by a woman — that’s my photo in the upper right hand corner 🙂
I’m sorry, I made the assumption that a male had to post this because I was under the impression that no one would degrade their own sex.
I honestly wish I had the time to stay home and be the person that this list envisions. (looking nice when he gets home, keeping a tidy house……etc.) It is a little more challenging to be all these things when I also work full time, I am also tired, I am also stressed and all of the same things that he is. That being said, we do pretty well on most of the things on this list together and that was your point. Both sides being respectful
. I think some people may have missed that.
Thank goodness for you Bryan! I read this post in abject horror and couldn’t believe from the comments that people who genuinely believe themselves to be educated, reasonable people AGREE with this sexist, degrading piece of filthy propaganda. And not just people, but WOMEN!
I love, honour and cherish my partner, just as he loves, honours and cherishes me. We have an equal relationship, not a master and doting wifey.
Uou people make me sick. We barely deserve equal rights if there still women as ignorant as this in the world.
Bryan, why are you so angry? No matter what you believe, hoping that someone “burns in hell” is a horrible notion. Even if you disagree with the content here, there’s no need to be rude.
Bryan is my boyfriend, and i showed him this piece of sexist propaganda because i thought there was a whole lot wrong with it, and he agreed. He isn’t angry. He’s educated. He is living in 2012, and women need to thank their lucky stars that men like him exist. Because without men like him we would still be forced to stay home instead of living out our dreams. I’m not saying that raising children is wrong, or being a free lance writer is wrong… I’m saying that with this mentality in this article women wouldn’t even be able to write their feelings. Think about it- the views described here are so sexist and colonial. It’s unbelievable that any woman would want to be subjected to such abuse… I mean, “dress to please him” ? How about dress to please yourself? I’m done. There’s no point in even trying to get through to bible thumpers. Come on, females! have some self worth! I just have pity for you and I certainly hope you can rise above the lowly household duties you’ve confined yourself to. Don’t bother replying, I won’t ruin your sewing circle with my edgey post-industrial revolution views. I must be kooooooky!!!!
There is something a lot of folks are missing here. This list was not written by a man. This is not a man’s list of expectations from his wife. This was written by a woman. She gave examples of how to show a man respect without actually saying it. These are suggestions, not hard, fast rules.
I think it’s funny that some of these ideas are just basic relationship rules — no matter what the relationship. When I worked in the corporate world, we took classes and seminars on active listening. When I had my massage practice, it was imperative that I listen to a client. It was called listening to the subjective. It gave me a good idea of what was going on with my client physically and emotionally. Why wouldn’t I practice active listening with the person I love most in the world?
Also, don’t nag. Do you want someone nagging you? I know I HATE it. So, why would I nag my husband?
Dressing nicely? Again, she has never said you have to be dressed to the nines or in lingerie. Have you had your bath that day? Have you combed your hair? Are you out of your pj’s? I hate to say this, but some women don’t.
I do have to say this list is probably geared toward stay at home wives but a lot of the suggestions can be given consideration by all.
Also, when I put these suggestions into practice, it’s amazing how my husband responds in kind. I start something, something good.
Instead of talking about how sexist it is, take a look at how you apply this to others in your world. If you do these things for others, why wouldn’t you do this for your husband?
Of course, these apply to a marriage that is already good. If you are in a bad relationship, most of this wouldn’t work anyway.
I don’t get it. Did you even read the 25? I would love to actually seriously understand what you find so objectionable. Is it “dress to impress him,” you mean you have never asked Bryan’s opinion on an outfit, how about your best friend have you ever asked her/him for his/her opinion on an outfit? If you read this same list in regard to how to be a good friend, would you object to the things on it? Maybe, the “respond physically” is the one that you have an issue with, because you don’t hug anybody? I am seriously not sure what the huge objection is, because, I have written it here on these comments before, but 85% or more of the items on this list are how you should treat ANYONE, basic respect. If the list said 25 Ways to Impress your Boss, 25 Ways to Honor your Best Friend, or 25 Ways to Care for your Children, you wouldn’t object to most of these things. Ask advice, don’t interrupt, smile, be thankful, don’t criticize, be forgiving, respond to their cues, follow when some is leading you…etc! I bet you do most of these things for your best friend, I bet on a first date you do most of this stuff (surely you think about what you will wear). So being married or in a long term relationship suddenly means you can disrespect and walk all over the other person? I am curious how long do relationships like that last? My marriage of 20 years has been filled with a lot of disrespect, but as we learn to love and respect one another, I find lists like this remind me to treat my spouse the way I want to be treated and that goes a long way. I want respect, caring, a kiss, things cleaned up (heck I would hate it if my husband left the toilet seat up and didn’t wipe the sink after he brushed his teeth, I am thankful that he doesn’t do those things) and seriously I prefer if he asks me if I like his striped shirt with his camo shorts (because eww). Shouldn’t I be willing to give at least what I expect? Don’t you expect Bryan to clean up his mess, kiss you when you are feeling frisky, respect your decisions, etc.? Maybe you object to keeping the house clean? For a stay-at-home mom, which is nearly half of the women who have children, cleaning up after those kids during the hours that your partner is working, is part of the job, just like it would be for a daycare provider (we can do at least as much as a daycare provider, I would hope a lot more). Never did Jennifer say to do all of the cleaning. Respect IS a two-way street, don’t expect it if you aren’t willing to give it. And although, you are not a Christian, those of us who are have made certain decisions based on our faith and our relationship with our God, these decisions look different for each family, but often include a stay-at-home mom and a working husband. Any stay-at-home parent knows that being home means that the job includes caring for children, basic housework, and making meals. My husband was a stay-at-home parent for years (when we weren’t walking with the Lord), so I know it doesn’t matter if you are a man or woman, a Christian or not, if one person is at home and the other at work, cooking and cleaning go to the one at home. So, what else to you object to about having basic respect for the person you claim to love? Is it “resist the urge to correct,” look at the example Jennifer gives, seriously who wants someone interrupter every minute to point out inconsequential mistakes. I have an issue with word recall in the last several years, and I can’t stand when my teenagers want to give me a hard time over it. Who wants their every minor mistake pointed out! Lists like this one on “how to show a woman you care,” are all over the place, most of the time written by women. You want respect, but don’t want to give it. When you want to be put up on a pedestal and walk all over those you claim to care about, you do nothing to advance women’s rights. Being a high maintenance girl, with a whipped boyfriend, just leads to unhappiness anyway, because no guy lives up to what she wants. And any truly independent woman knows how to care for herself and a family. I don’t need my husband, I can take care of myself, but even if I couldn’t I absolutely know that My Lord and Savior will take care of me (as does any Christian woman). I want my husband and I have committed myself to being with him for life, because I want him I am willing to respect him and I certainly want him to know how wanted he is!
It’s interesting how you feel like this list is so horribly demeaning to women and yet look how you addressed everyone as “Bryan’s girlfriend”. Isn’t that demeaning and sexist? Isn’t that putting yourself down because you are not your own person, you are Bryan’s girlfriend? Where is your identify in all that?
You talk this way because you don’t want to think for yourself. You think that you shouldn’t have to dress nice for your guy, he should like you for who you are and not how you look. And thought this is true at some level, how about you do a little experiment? You can’t tell Bryan you are doing this though.
Do the following:
Mess your hair up before he comes over. Don’t dress in nice clothes when he’s around, or dress frumpy. Don’t wear makeup and just be lazy. Don’t give him affection. Don’t pay attention when he talks to you. Be so self-involved that he doesn’t think he is there. Do everything opposite or what is on this list.
Then see how long it takes for his attitude toward you to change.
How much you want a bet you do more for him than you think you do. Because I’ll tell you, if you do what I suggested you do above, I bet you won’t be calling yourself Bryan’s girlfriend for long.
No, as Bryan’s girlfriend, you do all this stuff on a subconscious level because you are still in the dating phase. Once you are married, people tend to think they don’t have to “try” anymore. And that is what this article is about. It is about taking these subconscious things we do for people and make conscious efforts to show them the respect the got when we were first dating.
And quite honestly, you think that Bryan is going to agree with this article if he knows you don’t? Heck, that is like signing his own death sentence. I guarantee there is plenty on this list Bryan is secretly thinking, “That wouldn’t be so bad if Bryan’s girlfriend did that..” or “Bryans’ girlfriend already does that.” or “It would be nice if that happened more from Bryan’s girlfriend.”
But Bryan’s girlfriend won’t ever hear that if Bryan knows what’s good for him.
There is nothing on this list that indicates that a women doesn’t have self worth. What it does show is that a woman has enough self worth to be able to give herself freely to the man she married. She is secure in her own self to know that by giving herself completely to the man she loves, he will do the same in return. That is called confidence.
You must remember, she isn’t having sex with her husband because she is afraid of losing him, like I’m sure you might do with Bryan. No, she is having sex with her husband because she is wanting to please him and in turn have pleasure herself. She is wanting to get as close to him as humanly possible. She is wanting to dress nice for him because he is who is important to her and she wants to keep that spark alive. Unless you have been dating Bryan for 20 years, I’m sure this all seems foreign to you so I’ll stop here. But to think that you can be self-centered and be in a relationship isn’t really a relationship.
And yes, you are kooooooky.
actually she said that bryan was her boyfriend…. not that she was bryans girlfriend… just sayin.
I just had to laugh at the ignorance (on so many levels) of “Bryan’s” posts. Under your deluded notion of your own (clearly felt) superior virtuousness, you exemplified all of the negative traits that you accused the poster of demonstrating. First you state that we should “accept” everyone as equals. I am assuming that “treating” everyone as an equal follows your statement of “accepting” everyone as an equal. I must then conclude that your utter rudeness with which you directed toward the poster is an example of your idea of “accepting” the poster as an equal and that your idea of equality is treating everyone uncharitably. But, hey, at least everyone is being treated with an equal measure of rudeness, right? Oh, wait, you must mean that you accept everyone as an equal as long as they think as you do. Ooops! My bad! You then state that a wife should be treated with the same respect that a husband hopes to receive. The whole idea of the post is, essentially, about respect. Simply stated, do nice and thoughtful things for your husband and he will do nice and thoughtful things for you. And, doing nice things for your husband, because you love him, will make you feel like a million bucks. Why is this so shocking, sexist, and “colonial”, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah? (Oh, and by the way, I think you meant provincial.) It’s called, “Do unto others…” It’s called mutual respect; it’s called having a good marriage. Which you know all about, right? Because you’ve lived it for decades, right? All it’s ups and downs, financial stresses, lost romance and renewed passion, tired nights with puking kids, loving the once young and fit person who is now puffy and pudgy, but you love them even more now, and on and on. Really, when you’ve lived a marriage, dressing to please him is the least you can do. Frankly, dressing to please him pleases me because he makes me feel sexy and desired and loved and that makes me feel confident and strong. And, if you don’t, on occasion do that for the man you love then you’re either selfish, a slob, or lying to yourself. Most women, Christian or otherwise, dress for their men because his positive reaction makes them feel good. And, I’m fairly certain, the poster wasn’t saying you shouldn’t like what you wear, or feel good in it, etc. Additionally, your statement that “there is no proof that your lord actually exists” indicates that you’re a classical historian, too. Wow! Critiquer of pinterest pins and classical historian all rolled into one. I’m impressed. Clearly you’ve read the 1st century, non-biblical accounts of Jesus and discount the fact that nearly all historians, Christian or otherwise, accept Jesus’ existence. But, really, what do those buffoons, who’ve studies classical texts, gotten Ph.D.s in classical history know anyway? Finally, Bryan-the-educated, you have both misuse (yet ironically demonstrated) what a bigot is. A bigot is not someone who thinks that you should show respect to someone you love by, essentially, putting them first, as stated by Jennifer Flanders. A bigot is (Webster dictionary definition) “a person obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices; especially: one who regards or treats the members of a group with hatred and intolerance.” You have demonstrated your bigotry of Christians by your rude and intolerant treatment towards Jennifer and her post. Which, is her opinion, kindly stated, for readers to take or leave. She neither stated her opinion obstinately, intolerantly, or with hatred. Nor did she state that it was the only way to behave in a marriage. However, you statement that you hope that the poster burn in hell was intolerant of the opinions expressed, was obstinately expressed and was hateful. You are the intolerant, small minded bigot who really doesn’t believe in the equality that you profess. And, no, Byran’s girlfriend, you are neither edgy or kooky, you are a bore. You see, most of the posts that agree with Jennifer have been there and done that and we’ve not only tried what you’re expressing, oh so long ago, we’ve grown up and moved on. We are strong women. Life has kicked us in the butt and we’ve kicked back and childish comments like what you and Bryan have posted are ignorant, small minded (yeah, I know you think your view is so big and liberated. Talk to me in about 20 years when you’ve lived a little more), and tired.
jojo, You said, “actually she said that bryan was her boyfriend…. not that she was bryans girlfriend… just sayin”
You are completely right. My bad.
That’s much better. Instead of being sexist in one direction, it’s sexist in the other. It’s okay to demean Bryan because he’s a guy, right? Forget about his identity, right? Either way, if you take her stance on this whole issue, her labeling Bryan as her boyfriend or her labeling herself as Bryan’s girlfriend does the same thing. She sees Bryan as a great thing for women today, and if there were more men like him the world would be a better place. What she fails to see is that just because this list shows how women might want to consider respecting their husbands, she is presuming this is meaning that the husbands on the receiving end of this are demanding it or expecting it in anyway. That is a huge presumption in my opinion.
THAT was fabulous!!!
I 100% agree with you…this list angered me the more I read on…how awful. If I did many of these things or acted in this way, my spouse would lose respect for me, and more importantly I would lose a great deal of respect for myself.
yes I agree. My husband would not think I was special and worth anything, if I did not value myself, he would not value me. If I subjected myself to all these things, letting him make all the choices, clean his house, etc. That sounds to me like having a maid, not a wife…. A wife is supposed to be an equal loving partner.
” if I did not value myself, he would not value me. ”
I have a huge amount of self-respect and value myself a great deal. I don’t understand how being able to be selfless equates to not valuing myself. In fact, finally being able to be selfless has increased my self-respect. I am finally able to see beyond myself because I know that my husband has my back. Since I don’t have to worry about myself exclusively, I am able to look beyond myself and be less selfish.
right on. this is frightening.
Brian & his girlfriend,
First I love that men like Brian do exist!! Relationship should be about equality and marriage is about finding someone who is ready to go through that journey of life with you. This list is not only so out dated, but also so disrespectful to relationships. I used to think this was how women needed to be and this was how I was in my relationships, until I realized how un happy I was in my relationships. Once I got away from lists and bible verses of things I “had” to do and just started loving myself more and taking care of myself I realized a lot of these things just happen. 5 years of marriage, and I always kiss my husband good bye, even if we just had an argument, I take care of myself by going to the gym & dressing cute because that’s important to ME not anyone else. I work full time and so some nights I make dinner, some nights my husband does. If you don’t like negativity, then don’t marry someone who’s negative!! Stop focusing on doing things for your husband & just work to be a better person & list like this wouldn’t ever have to be made.
Just wanna say, because i don’t even want to read completely all the hate comment that you both got… That i totally agree with you, and your girlfriend. It’s weird to see how some people put all their effort into pleasing someone they never saw and aren’t even sure existed in the first place. This list remind of the ”guide to be a good wife” from 1955 … http://j-walk.com/other/goodwife/index.htm … hahaha
I agree…….Alyssia! All I can do is LOL!
I should hope that if you are married that you treat your spouse this way. I am a woman, a very educated woman at that, and what you are saying is ignorant. Before you open your mouth try educating yourself.
Go Bryan! THANK YOU! Glad to see a man speaking out against this utter horribleness.
Bryan, not a slave but the scriptures DO call for women to follow the lead of their mate. Men are called to be spiritual leaders in their household. Now nowhere in the scripture does it equate following the leading of your husband does it say that she is to follow like a slave. This kind of following is different. More like a partnership.
I’ve read good chunks of both of these lists and I agree 100 percent. The problem with the world is we see having a servant heart for our mates as being less than what we are. In actuality it makes us so much more.
I know you don’t believe Bryan, but it takes a real man to set aside his pride and his self and serve the Lord and his family. After all, Jesus himself washed the feet of the disciples…something a servant would do. Jesus served others and so should we….our wives, husbands AND others.
I found this blog post via Pinterest and am so glad I did. This advice found me at just the right time. Thank you!
I thought this was awesome. I am an educated woman, who had a successful career and left it to fulfill my calling as a wife and mother. I have never been more fulfilled and satisfied than I am now. I strive every day to be a good wife to my husband, and he is an amazing husband to me. We cannot expect to be treated with respect unless we also give it. I think it is a sad turn that some women want to quote feminism to criticize other women, and despise all that is feminine. Thank you for this list!
Wanting equal opportunities for all men and women (feminism) is not going against all that is feminine. Obeying your husband and carefully treading around his feelings is not a feminine trait. It is a subservient trait. People should remain equal in a relationship. Any relationship advice should be about ways in which partners can respect each other equally. Making this a list of rules all women should follow to obey and serve their men is EXTREMELY sexist.
Men and women ARE different. They have different needs. That is why there is a separate list for each. I have watched marriages fall apart simply because those differences were not understood. My husband sees me as just as vital a part of our family as I see him. But in the end, if we don’t agree and he gets the final say, I’m going to be proud to stand BESIDE (not behind) him in support… Not because I am weak, but because I have the STRENGTH to give my TRUST to someone I LOVE. Even when it is hard and when I don’t FEEL like letting go of control. Because LOVE is believing the best in someone. It’s having faith in them. It’s giving selflessly for them. And loving someone like that is NOTHING to be ashamed of!
Jennifer Flanders says
Beautifully said, and I agree wholeheartedly.
CarolAnn Edie says
I love this list! Especially important, I think, are bragging about him in public, with him around and without, and to follow his lead. I had some challenges doing the latter, and, when that was pointed out to me, I was quite taken aback. I didn’t realize I was not letting him lead. Of course, choosing joy is always important for creating confidence, in relationships and in life!
In reading the comments that are attached to this list, there are so many women that think this is an outdated list and that women shouldn’t be “forced” into doing this. This should be reversed too. I would never feel like I’m losing my identity by deferring the final decisions to my husband (on big decisions), or like I’m succumbing to losing my womanhood by making sure dinner is ready when it’s supposed to be (and if it’s going to be later than usual I apologize!) Why would I feel like less of a woman by kissing him goodbye or admiring him? I love my husband and respect him immensely, why would I not want to show him that respect? Now he knows he’s not going to always come home to a beautifully put together house or wife, but he knows I try, just as I know when he’s home first he gets things done he knows I would want done. It’s about mutual respect, you have to give it to get it.
a few seconds ago · Like
People are so stupid. Women are SO freaking whiny. How is respecting your husband and doing things with him in mind going to make you somehow inferior? Well gee hope you girlies don’t have kids, because with kids it comes naturally to do things just to make them happy. Does that make you inferior to your children? No, that’s ridiculous. God forbid someone give BEFORE they get. And then there’s you other whiners complaining about the title. 25 Ways to Communicate Respect to your Husband. What the heck is so offensive about communicating respect to your husband? Oh wahhhh, he needs to communicate it to meee toooo or else this just isn’t fair and therefore I must put my whiny pants on! Put ME in the title to or else it’s not fair! I believe in political correctness because life is supposed to be FAIR!
No wonder so many men cheat on their wives.
I would say I am pretty much the definition of a strong, leading, strongly-opinionated woman. Guess what? I have been practicing ALL of these points for over a year now. I even “Defer to his wishes, and let final decisions rest with him” (unless he REALLY needs intervening or a little hint) because I am helping my husband learn to make good decisions. We are to help each other grow. Sounds pretty “two way street” and “equal” to me. And I’m only 22. Should be a prime specimen of the whiny generation. But I like having a happy, easy, loving, reciprocative relationship. So I GIVE before I get. Giving ENCOURAGES getting. Even if it didn’t, the world doesn’t revolve around me. And it doesn’t revolve around you, either. Giving doesn’t make you a backwards, 1950’s housewife. You can actually cook dinner for your husband without compromising your “feminism”. Which I always thought was a ridiculous term. “Feminist” are not feminine at all. I am feminine. I like doting on my husband, cooking him dinner, getting up before dawn and packing his lunch, taking care of our child. I get satisfaction by being accomplished. Not accomplishing things for MYSELF, but things that benefit everyone in my family.
But I suppose selflessness is also a regression to modern society.
You guys– I mean girls, have fun putting yourselves first, hope you can look back when your old and dying and be glad that you stood your ground and refused to give respect without first getting it.
exactly right!!! Ive been married 13 years and have to the best of my ability tried/done what this list promotes and I always get it back in return….i too find it very sad how nobody is willing to be the first to show respect and give respect, whining that they better do it also….i mean gosh, people’s hearts are so selfish these days, im embarrassed as a woman by all the whiners i see on this page. Their husbands must be so proud to stand beside their ranting wives. God help us if this is what the feminist movement created….a bunch of selfish inconsiderate childish complainers.
There’s a huge difference between mutual, loving respect in a relationship and this awful, awful list. It may as well have been written in the 1950s!
Respect in a relationship should go both ways and each partner should be equally supportive and considerate of the other’s feelings. It certainly doesn’t include a wife having to ‘only wear clothing her husband finds attractive, indoors and out’ and constantly smiling to please him, repressing her feelings so as not to concern him, never questioning is judgement, having dinner on the table every day always (this list makes no mention of which partner goes to work. If both go to work, it would be fair if each partner took turns in the cooking).
This list basically instructs woman to be perfect little porcelain dolls with no emotion beyond that of perpetual happiness and no purpose beyond that of home-making and tending to their husband’s needs, physically and emotionally.
A healthy list would encourage both husbands and wives to share their emotions together. So if a wife has had a bad day, she doesn’t feel she has to hide her distress under a smile, but can confide and talk it through with her husband, and visa versa. In a solid relationship, a husband or wife would not attempt to control their partner’s choice in clothes and limit them to only what they find attractive, or force physically affection on the their partner when one isn’t in the mood or is tired.
I don’t see how wanting mutual respect and consideration in a relationship is ‘whiny’ or ‘selfish’. It’s just wanting to be treated like an actual human being and not a house-slave! I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Chantelle Gaskin says
omg… you rock.
Lorena Nielsen says
wow! doesn’t the bible talk about having a vipers tongue too ? just saying
An Intelligent Woman says
Has anyone actually read this? Yikes!?! While some of it is simple good advice some of it feels like it should belong in Romney/Ryan campaign. .
Ebony Imhotep says
EXACTLY! The advice in this letter should actually be acted out toward any human you care about.
That’s why I’m voting for Romney and Ryan… Respect and Love should be in EVERY marriage. People who don’t believe this also believe a Woman’s “RIGHT” means to take away not only their Babies rights but their lives as well.
for an “Intelligent woman” let me say this… “While professing to be wise, they become fools…”
That was great! So glad to see a young woman who gets what being a true feminist is! You will do well in your marriage with wisdom like this…keep running this race 🙂
No reason to call anyone stupid or be offensive. Just because mommy never taught YOU that sometimes giving first without expecting anything back can be rewarding, isn’t an excuse for you to go on a rampage and be insulting. You’re still a baby that obviously has a lot to learn in life. Oh, and news flash, life isn’t supposed to be fair always. Just because mommy and daddy spoiled you growing up and made life seem like cotton candy and rainbows doesn’t mean that the world outside your front door was going to be the same. Hopefully you realize that before you teach your child the same thing, and then he/she becomes a person that has to be mean and insult someone to get their point across. I hope you start to think and analyze what you’re going to say before you say it, in this case, before you type it. It’s people like you who try to make a point about something, but because you’re so against the topic, you start to insult; (that, and your lack of vocabulary); and get people in a bad mood, or start an argument. If your comment was supposed to help someone, well it sure isn’t. That’s why mommy always told you “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it at all”. Relax, slow down, and most importantly take your time in life. Enjoy your husband and child, and don’t bring someone’s opinion or statement to the ground to make yourself feel better or because you don’t agree with it.
I have to say that I am extremely shocked to hear what readers have had to say about this post. Tips 3, 4, 16, & 20 are things we should do for all of our loved ones, not just our spouses/significant others. Personally, I am not a fan of #25, 24, 17 & 13. I was always taught to be a leader. I am extremely stubborn and argumentative. I will dress in clothes that I feel are flattering and are comfortable at the same time. And lastly, I don’t cook. I think it is best for everyone if I stay out of the kitchen.
However, #18 is my favorite because I actually enjoy cleaning and keeping my house clean!
The other points do hold a great deal of validity. And I agree with many of the other posts that both men and women/husbands and wives need both love and respect, equally.
Just so you know where I am coming from I am not a religious person. I married into a family that is EXTREMELY religious. That was not easy. I didn’t understand their deep Faith and Devotion. I just didn’t get it. And because this was new and scary to me I didn’t even give them a chance. This caused a huge problem in my marriage. 5 years ago I would have looked at this list and vomited. Now, however, because I have seen the effects of not following these tips I am eager to start following them and repair my failing marriage.
There is no need for name calling. This article is about respect and that is what we should be showing to EVERYONE; regardless of their belief system. Being the first to apologize, or doing something your spouse/significant other enjoys doesn’t make you weak or a slave. It makes you a good person. We shouldn’t do things for other people with the expectations of getting something in return. We should do things for others because we love them and we want to. You don’t need to be a Christian to understand this. We all need to agree to disagree and do what works for us.
Lacie, thank you for answering like that. Some people may not like the tone but it’s the first time I read someone defend the truths with so much courage and passion because they are worthy! so maybe there are better ways to say it but if you’re gonna get excited about something let it be a good thing. I’m proud to see your a young and good wife 🙂
It might be good for you to acknowledge that this is your personal choice in lifestyle. You find it a forfilling existence and that is fine. Feminism at it’s core was always meant to be in defence of a woman’s choice. Key word there being ‘choice’! You enjoy a life as a doting house-wife that takes care of the house and prepares all of your husband’s things, and that is fine. No one should criticise you for that. But equally, you need to appreciate that this is not a lifestyle that all woman want to have, so telling them that they should be just like you, is just as bad as someone looking down on you for not having a career.
Woman, like men, all want different things out of life. Some have full time jobs of their own, sometimes their husbands work too, sometimes their husbands stay home and take care of their kids. What is important to a lot of woman is mutual respect and co-operation. As I’ve said, you enjoy pulling the line at home completely on your own and it makes you happy, but it doesn’t work for everyone and every situation. People have different dynamics in relationships and instructing everyone to follow a list that only works for a relatively small amount of people, is ridiculous.
you guys are all ignorant i really hope you know that.
I should acknowledge that giving respect and being capable of finding self-fulfilment out of doing for others is my personal choice and lifestyle? LOL! You can get correlate all of that with being a stay at home mom, or a wife with a career, actually. Crazy. I know. I actually work from home. Have pretty full days. Still find time.
Okay guys, listen up! Just so you know, respecting my husband and doing for others is MY personal choice and lifestyle, but remember, it’s not for everyone!
Yeah….that kind of sounded dumb, I don’t think I’ll say it again.
I’m going to be called another crying feminist for this but how is having dinner on the table when he comes home a sign of respect? That just sounds like a woman should be a servant to her husband!
As others have said, some of these things are easily acccomplished if youre a stay at home wife (apparently circa 1950 as well). There are general things like thanking him and taking his wants/needs into consideration but please…the way this is written is so dateded. I really hate that I wasted my time coming back to this from pinterest.
I made a pizza from complete scratch the other night and it took all of 10 mins of prep to get it in the oven. I broiled steaks while making cupcakes tonight and it took like 15 mins. Making dinner does not take long unless you’re trying to make something really complicated. I will never understand why women think cooking is some takes so much time and effort. If you want it to be “equal” then just have him clean it up afterward.
Most of this is good advice, but let’s remember that a marriage is a partnership, so statements like, “Learn to defer to his wishes, and let final decisions rest with him.” are just a little extreme to me.
I’ve had this open in my browser for a while now, keep meaning to go back to it and print/share with husband. Nitpicking here, but I’ve come across a few more similar posts by others, and there is always a “dress to please,” “do your hair/makeup,” “exercise at least 3 times a week,” etc. And I have yet to see this on the man’s side. Are we still stuck with that double standard that only women have to care about their appearances or that only the man’s physical attraction to his wife matters? I agree that there should be a level of physical upkeep, but I’m getting frustrated only seeing that onus being put on the woman. Your husband’s response has simple good hygiene, but that doesn’t go near as far as what is usually suggested for women.
I agree with the list…if it goes both ways.
…..if it goes both ways.
Guess you’ll just both “hold out” til one of you caves and is respectful or thoughtful towards the other? Sorry, but that sounds like the logic of a pouty 6 year old girl. If you followed a lot of things on this list, in a normal, non-abusive relationship, the spouse would end up following suit. Guys don’t normall wear makeup, but if that’s something you want your husband to do, then that’s your preog. Men are attractive if they are clean and dressed nicely. That’s the difference in the two. Not really a double standard. But to each her own. 😉
What disappointment in some women, crying feminism at every turn. Respecting your husband doesn’t mean losing your identity as a woman or yourself.
You can still be a strong woman, yet loving, caring and respectful. I just found this list, but most of what’s on it, I do with my husband.
Don’t ask what he can do for you, but what you can do for him, vice versa as well. In a relationship where you both sacrifice your self needs to fulfill each other, will find more strength, love and peace with and for each other.
PS: for you women who cry feminism, you keep saying its been fought all these years for female rights, FINE, but don’t play the victim when things go wrong!! The law likes to favor women in any situation, so if you’re the abuser, go on, let the nice police man know what you did and serve your time too.
The list is elaborate and specific. As such, it asks for critique of its content. If critique is not welcome, then comments would be disabled. Also, being specific, it conveys the impression that to not do any of these things is the opposite of these suggestions: disrespectful.
The author is able to handle the scrutiny of her suggestions, which will make her a better writer and observer of human behavior in the long run.
Jennifer Flanders says
You are very perceptive, Leslie. I do indeed welcome discussion and can accept the fact that not all of my readers agree with me. My list was never intended to define 25 hard and fast rules. Rather, these are meant merely as suggestions for wives who do in fact respect their husbands, as to how they might best communicate that respect.
No, I’m sorry, but the law does not favor women. Statistically, while there are more cases of rape, domestic abuse, and primary caregivers are favored, women also tend to be more frequently involved in those cases. To quote my fiancée, it’s like saying that men of a particular cultural background are favored in the NBA…they’re not favored, there are just more of them.
Extreme feminism is bound to cause problems, as is any extreme stance, but some marriages do work with equality. My parents just celebrated their 35th anniversary, and my mother is a director of a large auditing firm who would giggle if anyone ever suggested that she be content with what my dad provides for her, because she is the major breadwinner.
There seems to be an equal amount of anger on both sides, and while I am one of you, I would caution Christian women reading this to avoid presenting yourselves as better than others in anything you write or say. There is nothing appealing, evangelical, or Christ-like in presenting a prideful attitude because you found a list that embodies what you are. You’re not better; you’re saved. There’s a huge difference.
For some reason, my post about being elaborate and specific ended up here when it was supposed to be a reply to another post from 9/7/12, WAAAAAY up there ^^^^. Oops!
Could have just summed it up by saying “Treat him like a child by overly praising the good because otherwise he won’t know how to act.” How about having the respect for him to treat him like an adult and partner?
I FEEL BAD FOR YOUR HUSBAND says
And you wonder why the divorce rate is so high? This article is awesome, and I hope all you crabby women realize if you put a little more love into your marriage, you wouldn’t be so moody and angry. BTW, I FEEL BAD FOR YOUR HUSBANDS!!
“Let final decisions rest with him”? Uh, no. There are two equally important people involved here – I’m not by default acquiescing to whatever hubby thinks is best.
I think they need to make the title to this article how a Husband and Wife can communicate respect to each other!
And where is the “25 ways to communicate respect to your wife” hmm…
This is why I hate organized religion. Buncha fairy tale bull … Whatever floats your boat though.
Lol. Bitter much? I s’pose I live a fairy tale then seeing how all of this has been working wonderfully for me 😉
Challenging. Inspiring. Convicting. Your post hits hard, but it’s presented in a way that makes me think, “I can do this!” Thanks so much for writing this, sharing it with us, and even for the printables! I was definitely blessed by it!
Oh, and I just bought the kindle edition of your book! Can’t wait to read it!
Jennifer Flanders says
Thanks, Rachel. Let me know what you think of it!
Diane Marie Haller says
Reblogged this on My Life as Robin's Wife and commented:
I found this list to contain so many practical ways to communicate respect to my husband. I have not read Jennifer’s book, but will consider it in light of this great encouragement she has posted here. Thank you for spurring me on to love and good deeds toward my husband!
K&A MOM says
I agree with alot of this article. There are many things I already do… many that I don’t also. For example, I don’t believe I should ALWAYS look my best when my husband gets home, considering he changes into sweats the minute he gets home. 🙂 I sometimes have a hard time putting his likes and feelings ahead of mine, especially after a full day of tending to my 2 children, but it is worth it in the end when he does the same for me! He has praised me for being able to tidy up the house as well as I can with the little ones running around! He praises my cooking, and respects me as much as I respect him. I believe if I do more he will. While we have a wonderful marriage and are perfectly happy, doing more will never hurt! I don’t believe the author was saying you have to do all these things to make him happy… do what you can to make you both happy! I am a strong independent woman, and a veteran, who was raised to not depend on anyone, but I was also raised to respect others, especially those you love! I applaud the woman who wrote this to try and help others have a succesful marriage, and also for writing another article just for men.
P.S. If you don’t like it, Don’t do it! No one is twisting your arm here!
The writer of this blog must have the luxury of being a stay at home mom… Must be nice…! Working a 40 hour week with a two year old, a dog, and a husband makes it a little hard to always have a “tidy” home.
K&A MOM says
Being a stay at home mom is not always a luxury! I worked thru the first year of my sons life as a single mom while in the military. Working away from home is tough, especially on long 12-16 hour days… I know and remember very well how great it would be to stay at home with my son. Now that I am a stay at home mom, with a 3yr old and 6mo old, and a dog, it is not easy either! It is always difficult to have a tidy home, that’s why its a treat for my husband to come home to one!
However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33. Respecting our husband is a command. Respect doesn’t mean you become a doormat, it simply means you honor the man you married. They don’t need love as women do. They are made differently, designed by God to need our respect.
I’m sorry, but these rules are part of a bigger school of thought on religion and marriage. I sat through a 6 hour lecture on it at a church before I was married. You ARE supposed to be a to be a doormat. One of the most shocking things was that as a wife I am to never disagree with my husband an that he is the head decision maker. My goodness can you imagine having to go along with whatever your husband decides no matter what? My husband wanted to take a very long flight during my first trimester – am I to go along with it and vomit for 9 hours straight? And risk dehydration because I am not to say no to my husband? Think about it this way – if I suppress my emotions, needs, wants and fears how is that good for me and my marriage? Would my husband be happy if he is waited on hand and foot and doesn’t have to hear about it when I’m struggling with something? No! Because he loves me and wants me to be happy. An happiness for me is not just being hugged and made to feel loved. It comes from being a partner and equal an not just a dog on a short leash.
People are mad because it reminds them of this article: http://tillmydyingday.blogspot.ca/2011/01/good-wifes-guide.html
It’s up to the couple on the duties of the house.
Anyway, some of these are nice like smiling and kissing each other, not interrupting and being thankful.
I completely agree Am. My husband and I try to live as partners and equals. Reading this just made me feel like my feelings shouldn’t matter. I whole heartedly disagree with number 25. My husband and I sit down and make discussions together. We are both the head of our family. I would never have married a man that left all the household duties to me and expected me to follow him around like a puppy. I however agree with one of the above comments, if they would have written this article as a general guide for both spouses it would have gone over better.
Because this falls into the myth that men only want respect while women only want love. It is a very specific set of rules for men and women, which are designed to be different. Frankly, I both love and respect my husband and he feels the same about me. We sat through a marriage seminar that went over these rules in great detail for hours and it was such a good experience for us – we realized that we want to be partners insted of having a master/slave relationship. yes, I do a great deal of the housework, I sometimes wear sweatpants and am not a perfect housekeeper. I sometimes feel sad and don’t pretend to be happy all the time to spare him. I’m not a robot designed for his pleasure and comfort. If you want to live your life like this fine – but do not be shocked when other women are a little disturbed by these rules.
I have only been married for 1 year and my husband and I are beginning to struggle in our relationship. I realize that I have not done all the things listed above, but I have practiced many of them. When discussing our relationship my husbands main concern is that he doesn’t really know me and what I want. To be with someone who is SO aggreeable and sweet can be quite trying. Not to mention a heavy burden to be expected to make so many decisions for the two of us. Trying to find a balances is proving extremely challenging. However we are both committed to each other and making our marriage work and thrive.
Thank you for your post! I don’t agree with everything, but i do believe that it is important to show love to your spouse and to respect them! I make dinner and clean the house not because my husband expects it, but because i love him and i want him to come home from a stressful day of work to a welcoming environment.
I believe that a marriage is all about sacrafice! We both give up our wants to make each other happy! We are companions, equal partners. I was taught that a husband and wife need to be equal. Even though i am a stay at home mom we are still equal. We have different responsiblities, but that doesnt mean we aren’t equal.
Marriage should be full of respect from BOTH side not just the women’s. Not all women “submit” to their husbands nowadays. I’m engaged right now and I sure fire am not gonna let my husband lead and me follow. I was raised in a home where the wife was equal to her husband . Sure you can do nice things for them but they should do To same to you I read both lists and their both a bunch of crap. Marriage was based on 2 people joining. TOGETHER not a leadership role. For people who feel that way I’m very sad for y’all. Apparently your moms didn’t show you how to to be independent and not lean on a man. For every relationship both parties deserve respect MALE OR FEMALE. That goes both ways not one. TWO WAY ROAD HERE PEOPLE
This is brilliant! Thank you for sharing, I struggle with quite a bit of these in my life and I’m excited to see God move as He helps me through this for the sake of my marriage 🙂 so inspiring.
For anyone who disagrees with this article, it’s really important to stop and pray on these things. We have to look out for what will benefit our spouse and marriage before our own pleasures and happiness. By following these simple steps we can find ourselves extremely blessed by putting our spouses before ourselves. It’s so much more fulfilling then one may think. Try it. You won’t regret it.
This article is so well written — stay positive and keep writing. Don’t let the negative comments below stop you from doing the work of our Lord! He is going to continue to bless you and your family!
I would like to see the article labled 25 ways to communicate respect to your wife. Im a very strong woman who does everything in my relationship. I work full time and have a 2 hour drive everyday. This isnt 1920 anymore where the woman stays at home and pampers her husband. If he wants respect then i should get it in return. I love the dont nag him because hes not a 2 year old part. Really? If hes a grown man then he should be able to realize when things need done just to do them. But men do not realize this thus woman nag. Poor men they have it so bad. Give me a break.
your comment makes me sad. I don’t believe marriage is a 50/50 give and take sort of thing. its a 100/100 give give. If my mind set remains like that, my marriage will be in wonderful shape and I will receive joy from blessing and serving my husband. You’re right, this isn’t 1920 anymore. In 2012 there are thousands of other things that can steal a mans heart and distract him from the wife he committed himself to. As wives, we have the responsibility to do everything in our power to serve our spouse and make him realize what he wants is right in front of him, without expecting anything in return. Expectations = disappointment… People will always fail us and will never meet our expectations.
Thanks for these great reminders! May the women who follow this wisdom be truly blessed.
My mom did all these things for my dad for 15 years and he still cheated on her and left her for a 22 year old. Makes me lose all faith in marriage…it goes both ways.
Excellent list! Thank you for this! And just ignore the naysayers. They don’t get it. 🙂
this post makes me sad for what “good” women are supposed to be. I refuse to bow down and worship my future husband. I’d like to take this post and change it to 25 ways to communicate respect to yourself.
make sure you tell your future husband that you will never put him above yourself, im sure he will love your selfishness
Without justifying my comments by bragging about how faithful I am or how long we’ve been married, I believe that in some marriages, this would work. In my marriage, adhering to 1-25 would turn me into a very angry woman and would tick off my husband. I don’t nag and I keep our house tidy. I respect my husband. But, I married my equal, and he married his. I will not submit to him because he didn’t marry a submissive woman! My husband does not want the full responsibility of “leading” our family, whatever that means. Both of our opinions count. We’re both highly educated, well read, informed people. We both have good ideas and we enjoy discussing them. He is the breadwinner but I pay the bills. He does laundry and I do grocery shopping. It’s absurd to absolve the husband of all housework because it turns him into an infant. He married his wife, not his mother. He’s an adult and he should take pride in contributing in ways other than just earning money. If his ego is so fragile that he has to have it his way all the time, then he’s no different that a toddler who throws a tantrum. Men who can’t handle their wives opinions need to GROW UP! We’ve never even considered the idea that the final decision should always rest with him because in some situations, I have deeper knowledge of the subject! The final decision usually comes down to who is best informed. We both agree that he’s the expert in time management and event planning because it’s his career. We both agree that I know more about fiscal and physical health because it’s my career. We have mutual respect for each other because we live our lives in a way that commands respect from each other. Submission is not necessarily a show of respect. In my family, we thrive on discussion and reason. We would both sink into a pit of intellectual laziness if I submitted.
Suburban Jubilee says
I have lived a few years now and have some experiences under my belt now. I’ve been a child raised in the height of feminism and raised two women of my own. I’ve been a working mother and had a failed relationship and a supremely fulfilling relationship. I see nothing wrong with this list and in fact they are words I live by. My husband and I are content and share mutual love and respect. Embracing my role as woman has made me the most happiest of my whole life and I regret swallowing a lot of the feminist angst in my early years, it brought me nothing but false expectations and disappointment. My husband is my protector, my champion, my leader. He is my shelter and sustenance. It is not subservience that makes me want to support him and nurture him. I admire your bravery publishing this post. It has certainly aroused strong emotional responses in some people. I hope you will focus on the positive.
^ great post.
Happy Heart says
It amazes me that we try so hard to win our husband’s heart before we get married, but we don’t try to do anything to maintain or keep our relationship w/ him afterwards. Dressing up, looking nice, love notes, thinking of and putting him first came so natural. What we’re really saying is- Now that we’re married, he has to love me unconditionally, but I get to love him conditionally. Thanks for the list. It’s a great reminder.
Thank you for writing and posting these! I loved them so much I posted them for daily reminders on facebook! and man do some ladies not like them LOL.. Great JOb! LOVE Them!
Heather Sayer says
I enjoyed these suggestions very much! I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints ( our nickname is ‘ The Mormons’ ). Our church put out a statement called ” The Family: A Proclamation to the World” in 1995. It states, “…the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” It also says,” Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for eachother…” Another part I love says, ” …fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.” I feel that the world is doing everything it can to attack the family and to attack the holy institution of marriage. The list of ways to show respect to a husband will help strengthen a marriage! Thanks for sharing this with us!
before being married, i would have scoffed at this post. the idea of being mild and quiet and letting someone “get away with” messing up stories and such seemed ridiculous to me. let alone trying to look nice for someone when all i really want to do is put on sweats after a long day at work.
i’ve been married for almost a year now, and can see SO much more sense in this post now. i am in NO way a silent, subservient woman– but doing the little things on this list makes me feel better, too. i like to look my best for him– and i like it when he cleans up for me. i like cooking what he likes sometimes (even if it’s not my favorite) because it makes him happy– and i love it when he brings home my favorite ice cream (even though it’s not his favorite). i have seen it hurt his feelings if i’m crabby and move away when he tries to cuddle me on the couch… and letting him put his arm around me usually ends up making me feel better (even though that fact drives me crazy sometimes! ha!).
i have learned in the last year that when you have someone who loves you in a real and sacrificial way, all these things come easily– and the more time i spend with him, the more i want to do these things.
My husband can do all this nonsense for me if he expects it in return.
wow, for what reason did you get marrried??? You two just sit there miserable 24/7?
I do believe the husband leads, but it is servant leadership – not dictatorship or having his own way on anything and everything – he is supposed to put his wife’s needs and desires above his own. As far as the woman who posted “respect his money” – it is not “his” money – nothing is “his” or “hers when a man and woman are one flesh.
Respecting your husband is equal to men loving their wives – it’s what each craves most. If a man loves his wife as Christ does the church, then a woman will respect her husband. It seems to me a man would rather have his wife admire him than be respectful, which is how children are to treat their elders.
Most couples both have jobs outside the home, so both should clean and prepare meals. Also, a man may have been at his job all day, but a housewife/mom’s job is from the moment she gets out of bed to when she crawls in, plus she has no Sat or Sun off.
Isn’t it supposed to be a blance of putting the other before yourself – she does for him – he does for her – and people have a lot of needs and desires met.
As far as being attractive for her husband – really, there are some guys who don’t bother to brush their teeth before bed, they pass gas, and have put on weight since the wedding – it needs to go both ways. Neither should expect the other to be who they were on the wedding day – be attractive for yourself and your spouse. Don’t stop holding hands. Both should stop what they’re doing when the other has something to say and give attention – men are notorious for not giving their full attention to their wives and children.
This list has good suggestions for both, as long as both going into it with the purpose of blessing and loving their spouse and not worrying about getting something in return.
No, I am not married – yet, but will be someday. Being alone and single in today’s world is not fun – cherish your spouse – invest in your marriage – pray, pray, pray for your spouse/self/marriage/family – all are under satanic attack .
My sentiments exactly!
OMG!!! WOMEN DONT BELIEVE THIS CRAP U SICK PEOPLE TWISTED THE BIBLE AROUND GOD HAS NAME FOR ONE AND SECOND WOMEN ARE NOT FRKN RAG DOLLS WE HAVE FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS MEN ALSO NEED TO RESPECT THAT RESPECT UR WIFE LOVE UR WIFE UR WIFE WILL DO THE SAME PLEASE WOMEN OUT THEIR IF UR HUSBAND MAKES U READ THIS OR DO THIS LEAVE HIM U DESERVE BETTER THEN THIS U SICK FREAKS!!!!!
It isn’t being a rag doll. Why are you so angry? My husband rubs my feet every night, he changes diapers, works full time, and cooks more than I do. He does things for me and I do things for him. Maybe you should read the love dare-it might explain things better so that you can understand them, and it is about reciprocation ( not sure I spelled that right ).
Girl, you have exactly the right name…..GIRL! when you can act like a woman, then you can comment
P.S. My husband is taking me to dinner tonight and wanted me to pick where to eat- to make me happy. I am going to pick his favorite place to make him happy. That is what will make me happy! He is the greatest and I love him with all my heart- that doesn’t make me anti or pro anything.
This article should be taken for the good intentions it displays and not nit picked apart. We all have many differences. You should ask yourself- what is the writer trying to do? Is this coming from a good place to help people, or a bad place to make others unhappy? Nothing is for everyone. If you don’t agree-don’t do it.
Thank you so much for writing this. I was married for 19 yrs and we had 4 children then went through a divorce. My ex-husband was a cheater and emotionally and verbally abusive. I’m now married to a wonderful man who I love and adore and he feels the same about me. I have purposed in my heart to love, respect and cherish him and treat him as you have described. He has also treated me with the same. We may not always agree but I’d rather agree to disagree and know that God will work in his heart if it needs to be changed. It’s amazing that us not nagging allows God to speak when needed. 🙂 I feel I have not lost myself but have gained something so freeing that I’ve never had before in a marriage. God is soo good. I think we as Godly women need to consider what is Godly and rather than that that is the culture of our society. I’d much rather do what God asks us to do and be blessed then to try to live how every other broken marriage lives. Thank you for having the courage to write this and I pray that God blesses you.
Robyn P. says
Absolutely Wonderful Post.
I think this is the most amazing list I have ever read on respecting your husband! It goes along with being the proverbs 31 women. It’s hard for most woman to understand this list…first of all, it doesnt look like the world. It doesnt fit into today’s culture. That’s the point I guess! We are not suppose to fit into the world. Love is a cyle. This author is directing women. Just women. Not men. God gave the command that husbands need to LOVE there wives. But, he also said wives RESPECT your husband! So this woman is coming from her point of view as a woman and a wife. Surely, should couldn’t come the husband’s perspective! So back to love is a cyle. Wives if you show RESPECT…. Your Husbands show LOVE. The wives feel loved so they show respect. The husbands feel respected so they show love. It’s truly how it works! Sometimes as wives we need to be selfless and start first…show respect to our husbands even if they arent showing love. I promise you that if you put these things into practice your husband will feel respected and then show you love and so on……..
Carrie Blackburn says
I thought this was a wonderful and helpful list, as was the reciprocal one for husbands. I just skimmed the many many comments, and would not have bothered to comment but for the fact I want to encourage you. I heard someone reflect once that when people hear a truth they do not like, their first impulse is anger. Don’t let their anger upset you and the work you have set out to accomplish. Well done, ma’am.
Thank you so much for taking your time and reminding us how to have a God glorifying marriage and making the one we love most, happy:)
After all, we are created to be the helpers not the princesses:)
May God give us strength and we stand Holy and blameless before him when we have to give account for the wives we’ve been. May that be our ministry in life and may we put our all into it, so hard but thank God He is on our side:) for with Him all things are possible.
All these negative comments show the world why half of marriages end in divorce. Even if you don’t want to be religious this is still a great list. Husbands and wives should respect each other. When you appreciate and respect you husband you get it back. Marriage is just looked at two people working seperate it should be two people working together! Its sad to see that people don’t automatically want to do these things for your husband, seems to me if you really loved each other you would strive for it! Thanks for the awesome list I know my marriage will last because I actually care about it ( and he does too).
I think this is a great article! 🙂 May God bless you abundantly for expressing the Gospel and also encouraging people to live their lives by following the Lord and His Word. 🙂
In general I wouldn’t have an issue with this post. It’s a genuine attempt to improve relationships. However, there are so many outdated assumptions about relationships & gender stereotypes that made it very difficult to take seriously. For example, send your husband off with a kiss/kiss him when he gets home – based purely upon the assumption that the woman doesn’t work herself. or “Every woman looks more beautiful when she smiles.” Excuse me? Every PERSON looks more beautiful with a smile. Why is this restricted to the female gender? To me, another case which enforces the attempt to reduce women to their physical beauty. In general, had this article been written for BOTH sexes, I would’ve given it a big thumbs up. But I take great offense that apparently only women need follow these “commandments.”
Wow. OR this article was written specifically to women, so she was talking to females in general. Does everything have to be “politically correct”? You know if an article like this was written specifically for men, no one would be complaining that it should be written for women too! But anything that suggests a woman should be nice to her husband is somehow backwards and straight out of the 1950’s. Of course EVERYONE looks better when smiling! And, here’s a thought: I work outside the home as well, but I still “send” my husband off to work with a kiss, and kiss him when he gets home. Amazing, right? You can be a “modern”, “liberated” woman and STILL kiss your husband before and after work!
This list is perfect, those who are making negative comments about it… just look at those around you. By no mean am I a woman who thinks I’m weak or less than my husband at all. I choose to follow God’s standards because they are for my own benefit and since I decided to follow his footsteps my life has never been the same as well as my marriage! We both have learned to focus on our own faults to work on them instead of blaming the other and thinking you have done nothing wrong. I highly recommend women to try this out!!! You WILL see a difference! Otherwise, people don’t need to trash talk others views/opinions. Freedom of Speech is for everyone, non-Christians and Christians.
I thought this was great! 🙂 Sad to see so many young woman commenting that have rebellious spirits though…it’s the times we are living in, unfortunately. I would just bet that if you are married to a half-way decent guy and you applied these things in your marriage you would remain happily married for life! Proverbs 31 Women Rule 🙂 <3
“Rebellious spirits”?! Spare me the sermon. I was raised in a hardcore, Bible-thumping, Independent Baptist church, and I saw NOTHING but subservient women who wouldn’t even breathe without asking their husbands first. It’s pathetic. There is a difference in being respectful and being SUBMISSIVE. I DO NOT believe a woman is obligated to “submit” to her husband. Get your head out of the 1950’s, ladies. The Proverbs 31 woman is a doormat.
Rachel, I’m guessing you are no longer a part of that hardcore, bible-thumping, independent Baptist church anymore, am I right? You decided, for yourself, that you know better than God does, right? When God said to women Submit to your husband, you thought that was a horrible thing to do, am I right? You totally missed that part where God told the husband to love his wife like Christ loved the church. Willing to die for her, right?
You seem to know so much more now that your “eye’s” have been opened and you are no longer blinded by this religion, right? Am I even close to how you are or feel?
You want to rule your own life, right? Well, I have news for you. You will. You have total free will to do as you please, for a season. But, there will come a time when every knee shall bow. And when that time comes, I am wondering if you will long for that ol’ Baptist church of long ago? I wonder if you will be looking for a way to take it all back. I’m guessing you haven’t even read Proverbs 31 in so long you don’t even know what it says.
Makensie Pratt says
Honestly, Albert, I don’t think you’re going to appeal to many non-religious persons by claiming that in the end they will know God or know how wrong it was to leave the church when they will have to “fall to their knees” in his glory, or something along those lines. The wonderful thing about this country is that we each get to decide what’s right for us, how we choose to conduct ourselves, what our relationships are like, and what we choose to say. I read this article as a non-religious person, and while I don’t disagree with some of the points, I also don’t agree with a few of them. I would never tell this author that they don’t have the right to say whatever they feel, nor do I judge those that have opposing/similar views. Everyone needs to find their own path and that could look very different to each individual. Being religious or not shouldn’t change the heart of a person… I’m sad that so often it is the arguable point in so much of our daily lives.
I also grew up in an ultra conservative, bible thumping, southern Baptist church. It’s people like you who turned me away from it. Get off your high horse and if you really want to preach what you believe then I’d suggest that you use LOVE rather than FEAR to get your point across. What an embarrassment for Christians to be associated with your kind of “gospel”.
Being a good wife who respects her husband has nothing to do with religion. I take pride in having a meal prepared for my husband when he comes home, or baking his favorite pie, having his laundry folded and put away or just making sure the kitchen is clean. I respect my husband by not speaking poorly of him, and our friends have said many times that they can see the love we share. He, likewise, does the same for me when I am busy with work, school, or when I just want to go to the gym for some me time. Would you not expect your husband to respect you in all of the ways listed above? We are not a religious couple. We are a military couple – and have been separated by deployment and duty. Some say that what this author has written about respect sets back feminism – I think a lack of respect is a reason for failing marriages and unions.
Sandy Grabbe says
opened my eyes about my attitude
All these tips are things that should come naturally 🙁 It’s almost like you’re expected to be a slave to your own husband. Isn’t he supposed to treat you exactly the way you treat him?
I like your list a lot, but I have to say that I have one issue with 19.
I agree with being content and not spending outside your means, but where you say, “he is able to provide for you,” it’s assumed that the husband is the one doing the providing.
I’ll use myself as an example. I’m recently engaged; we’re Christians, and this is his second marriage. He is able to remarry, according to the Bible. I’m 34 and he’s 45. I own my home, have a good job that pays well, and bought it alone. He and I are compatible in more ways than I ever thought possible. He is the most amazing man I have ever met, and to date is the biggest blessing in my life. He’s brilliant and kind and funny and treats me like a queen. However, I don’t need his money, and even after we’re married he won’t be the major breadwinner. It’s not an issue to him, and as he was my closing attorney when I bought my house, he’s well aware of where we stand there. Although I’ve said to him that I want him to lead, and he absolutely does when it’s needed, he insists that we are equals and that we will make decisions together.
Frankly, I’ve never met a Christan, Bible-believing man who felt that way, but I can recognize that it is God’s doing that we are together because our personalities compliment each others’. In fact, because he’s a lawyer with an off-the-charts IQ, he loves when I debate with him and often asks for my advice with business matters. As much as I’m not remotely cut out to be subservient, he wouldn’t be happy if I was.
To make a long story a little shorter, while I think it’s great to respect your husband and we should always strive for that, we live in a day and age when women aren’t always stay-at-home housewives and often carry more of the financial contribution to the household.
My suggestion would be to re-word 19 to: take satisfaction in the lifestyle that the two of you have.
I think people are really nit-picking here. I work outside the home, too, and didn’t take issue with number 19. Obviously, it’s meant for women who are stay-at-home moms, or whose husbands are the main provider. Not every little thing has to have a caveat to please everyone. Read it, apply it as necessary. Make changes where necessary. No two homes are the exact same, and every family will operate a little differently. This is just a general guideline of how to show respect.
Thank you for this great reminder of ways to show respect to our husbands…I am (sadly) VERY guilty of not showing my husband respect. This has been such an eye opener and I think it will help me to stop and think before I disrespect him again.
wow! this is awesome!! geez so much negativity here, i loved this article!
these are just good ways for people to respect one another, it should have nothing to do with religion or male/female
[email protected] says
Yes Sarah, I couldn’t agree more.
Denise King says
Excellent!!!!!! Very well said.
Leah is 100% correct. There is nothing wrong with loving and honoring your husband. Nothing at all. Why would you not do that? How many of you who replied negatively to the article do these things anyway? Probably most of you, to be honest. Don’t you cook things he likes? Clean your home? Try to look pretty for him? Kiss him goodbye? Listen to him? Smile at him? I’m sure you do – so what is the big deal? It’s sad that it is considered negative and wrong for a woman to be kind to her husband. I didn’t see one thing on that list that was demeaning or shouldn’t be a part of a loving, mutually respectful marriage. But, suggesting that this article is setting back feminism is outrageous!!! Love and respect go hand in hand. And I’m sorry, if you are married to a man that doesn’t reciprocate these things, then you probably have other issues to address. And I learned that the hard way.
I first read this and thought. “That is simply amazing!” I loved every bit of it and thought about how much it would help my marriage by simply respecting my husband in ways I never even thought of, even though some of them are a bit of a challenge for me to be completely honest. But I’m willing to challenge myself to not only to show respect for my husband and strengthen my marriage, but to also live my life in a God honoring way. So obviously when I read a few of the comments, I was completely shocked to see that anyone even disagreed with it, especially so strongly.
Also, I completely agree with you Leah!
for all those women out there that are complaining that the guys don’t have a list:
25 things a man can communicate love to his wife,
1) Choose Joy
It’s true: A happy husband makes a happy life. Please don’t use guilt as an attempt to manipulate your wife but in all things rejoice, because that’s the right thing to do.
2) Honor Her Wishes
Give weight to what your wife thinks is important. Make those things a priority that matter most to her, whether it’s picking up after yourself when you get home from work or helping with laundry and keeping the house tidy or limiting computer time. Don’t make her ask twice.
3) Give Her Your Undivided Attention
Yes, I know that men can’t normally master multi-tasking, so when your wife is speaking to you, make a point to lay other tasks aside, look into her eyes, and listen to what she is saying with the goal of understanding and remembering her words.
4) Don’t Interrupt
Have you ever been around a person who won’t let you finish a sentence? That gets old fast. Even if you think you already know what your wife is going to say, allowing her to say it without cutting him off mid-sentence shows both respect and common courtesy.
5) Emphasize Her Good Points
Sure, she has her faults (as do you), but dwelling on them will only make you (both) miserable. Choose instead to focus on those qualities in your wife that you most admire.
6) Pray for Her
Nilly Graham is quoted as saying, “The most eloquent prayer is the prayer through hands that heal and bless.” Take your concerns to God. Faithfully lift up your wife in prayer every day, and you will likely notice a transformation not only in her, but in yourself, as well. And above all use your hands to help around the house and bless her with all you do.
7) Don’t put her down
Your wife is a grown woman, you have no right to degrade her. Leave room for God to work. You are not the Holy Spirit, so do not try to do His job.
8) Be Thankful
Cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Don’t take your wife for granted. Be appreciative for everything she does for you, whether big or small. Always say thank you.
9) Smile at Her
Smiles spread happiness. Smiles have even been shown to create happiness. Smiles are contagious. And a smile makes any woman know she is beautiful to you.
10) Respond Physically
Did you know that the way you respond (or don’t respond) to your wife romantically has a profound effect on her self-confidence? Don’t just grab her but because you are in the mood. Spend the time letting her know you love her and desire her. Your enthusiasm might push her away, but if you spend the time clearing things off her plate so she can have time to relax along with making her feel secure, it will do wonders to bring about her desire for you as well. Make her feel well-respected and loved.
11) Eyes Only for Her
Don’t compare your wife unfavorably to other women, real or imaginary. It is neither fair nor respectful and will only breed trouble and discontent. Avoid watching movies or reading books that might cause you to stumble in this area, as well. She is more women than you will ever need if you giver her the attention she deserves.
12) Kiss Hie Goodbye
Success and respect often go hand-in-hand, so be sure to kiss her right, and don’t forget to greet her with a kiss when you return home, for good measure. Show her she is the one you want to be with and no one else.
13) Pamper Her
Spend the time to message her feet or find that one spot that she just needs rubbed. Send her to get her toes done with a friend while you watch the kids. Give her back messages and do those special things she loves so that she can see that you love her.
14) Cherish Togetherness
I love to sit near my wife, whether at home or away. Our church shares potluck dinners every Sunday afternoon, and although the men and women normally sit separately to visit, I like to position myself close enough to my wife that I can listen to the conversation, as I think everything she says is so interesting. At home, I’ll take my book or handwork to whatever room in the house she’s working in, just to be close to her, because I enjoy her company, even when neither of us is talking.
15) Don’t Complain
Nobody wants to be around a whiner or complainer. It is grating on the nerves. Remember the serenity prayer: accept the things you can’t change, courageously change the things you can, seek wisdom to know the difference.
16) Resist the Urge to Correct
I know one wife whose spouse can’t tell a story without her stopping him fifteen times to correct inconsequential details: “It wasn’t Monday evening, it was Monday afternoon…. It wasn’t blue, it was turquoise…. He didn’t ride the bus, he took a shuttle.” Please. Please. Please. Don’t ever do that to your husband — or to anyone else, for that matter! (Proverbs 17:28)
17) Dress to Please Her
Take care of your appearance. Choose clothes your wife finds flattering, both in public and around the house.
18) Keep the House Tidy
To the best of your abilities, try to maintain a clean and orderly home. Seek to make it a haven of rest for your entire family. She will appreciate your efforts.
19) Be Content
Do not pressure your wife to keep up with the “Jonses”. Take satisfaction in the lifestyle she is building along side you.
20) Take Her Advice
Do not dismiss her opinions lightly, especially when you’ve asked for her counsel in the first place. Make every effort to follow your wife’s advice.
21) Admire Her
Voiced compliments and heartfelt praise are always welcome, but you should also make it your habit to just look at your wife in a respectful, loving way. Think kind thoughts toward her. She’ll be able to see the compassion in your eyes.
22) Protect Her
Protect your wife in the way you speak of her to family and friends. Guard her reputation and feelings and do not let minor disagreements at home cause you to speak ill of her in public. Live in such a way that it will be obvious to others why your wife married you in the first place. Some of the highest praise she can get is that she was smart in her choice of men.
23) Forgive Her Shortcomings
Do not hold grudges against your wife. Do not allow a root of bitterness or resentment find a home in your heart. Forgive your wife freely, as Christ has forgiven you.
24) Don’t Argue
You are not always right, and you do not always have to have the last word. Be the first to say, “I’m sorry.” Be willing to accept the blame. It takes two to argue, so “abandon a quarrel before it breaks out.”
25) Walk with her
If you want your wife to respect you, you must be willing to listen to her and love her. Neither a body nor a family can function well with two heads. Learn to defer to your wife’s wishes and consider her input when making decisions, but only after she has her input.
Haha! If only the author had titled this “25 Ways to Communicate Respect to Your Spouse”… Would’ve saved all this drama!
AGREED! Relationships are two-way streets!
Agree! Its 50-50. Author messed up the title of this one!
So true. What woman doesn’t want that? So treat others the way you’d like to be treated then…
I guess it just comes down to whether the man is also intently listening to everything the wife says and never interrupts her and also dresses to impress her. Of course mutual respect is pivotal to a marriage but there are a lot of little things in here that seem backwards like having dinner ready when he gets home and tidying up without him having to ask (#2), as well as putting such an emphasis on how you look (#17) as if that is the most important job as a woman.
I’m sorry, but what is backwards about keeping a neat house, or making dinner? I’m not saying a husband shouldn’t help with housework (mine does), but who wants to come home to a disaster every day? And where was there an “emphasis” on looks? Because it was mentioned in a list of 25 other things? So it’s not backwards to get dressed up when you’re going out in public, but to have the courtesy of looking nice (no one said you have to look perfect and wear tons of makeup, just don’t be in your bathrobe all day) for the one person who should matter most to you is not okay? Your husband’s feelings for you shouldn’t be based on how you look, but combing your hair and dressing neatly just shows a person respect. And how you treat your husband shouldn’t be dependent on how he treats you – nor should that have bearing on how you treat anyone. “Love those that hate you, do good to those that despitefully use you and persecute you” comes to mind here. We should treat everyone with kindness. A husband that treats his wife badly isn’t worthy of being a husband, no one is disputing that, but this article is about putting your spouse first, not about “you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.” I’m sorry that so many women feel like it’s backwards to treat your husband with respect. I wonder why there’s so much divorce in this country.
Maybe it was poorly titled, maybe the bible verses scare people, maybe a few statements initially sound “anti-feminist,”… But if you read it, REALLY read it… A loving, happy marriage is one where you just want to make each other happy. This can be expressed in asking for advice, doing nice deeds (like dinner), getting/giving unexpected gifts, compliments, or kisses 🙂 And let’s be honest… What girl doesn’t want to spend the time, then have her husband come through that door, smile, and tell her she’s beautiful. This article doesn’t say it shouldn’t be a two-way street. It just says don’t forget the little things. And if I could pick just one, Kiss Him Goodbye… Always 🙂
And another thing, this list isn’t about how to make yourself some weird subservient ignorant little wife, it’s about putting your spouse’s needs before yourself. How horrifying, right!!! Thinking of someone’s needs before thinking of your own. Being selfless, kind, aiming to please. That’s just awful.
Here’s the weird thing: women are willing to do that when it comes to children (some more than others obviously). I mean, we go through extreme discomfort and then pain for nine months when we’re pregnant. We lose massive amounts of sleep and devote hours to their comfort and happiness. We’ll put our own desires on hold to make sure our children get the best of everything, but when it comes to our husbands, we can’t be bothered to dress in a way that makes our husband happy? We can’t cook dinner for him or do his laundry our keep our mouth shut when we really want to nag or not argue just for the sake of arguing or talk bad about him behind his back to our friends?! These are just common courtesies, ladies! And think about it in reverse. Isn’t this what you expect of your husband? How happy would you be if every time you talked your husband had corrections to make. Or what if he never went out of his way to make you feel attractive, or loved, or special? Or every time you wanted a little romance he shut you down? Feminism is another word for selfishness these days. Suck it up and put someone’s needs before your own. You aren’t the center of the universe either.
I completely agree with you Leah!
Well said! 🙂
Thank you. I loved this!
Very true! And you know, if I were this type of wife, my husband would respond by treating me with the same love, devotion, and courtesy. That’s what’s amazing. I guess if you married someone who was extremely selfish or abusive you could have a very different outcome. But that is another issue entirely. It is extremely difficult to love someone unselfishly.
Can you imagine, though, how amazing it would be if both spouses in all marriages always showed completely unselfish love to one another; looked after one another’s interests; had each other’s backs; were striving to show respect and admiration; and built each other up?!!? Yah, I know, “visualize world peace”…it’s still an admirable vision/goal.
I’m 25 years old, married for almost two years now, and in one of the happiest most fulfilled marriages around. Not because we’re in the honeymoon stage (we’ve been together for almost eight years now, that passed us by long ago) but because I love, respect, and adore my husband. It disgusts me that feminism has taken such control of our society that even Christian women cannot stand to think of going out of their way to show their husband respect. That’s so sad because those women are missing out on true fulfillment and happiness in their marriages/relationships! It is because I allow my husband to be the leader of our family, because I always try to show him how much he means to me and how much I admire him, because I know as a woman I am best at a supporting role, that he would go to the moon and back for me. There is a reason the Bible asks women to RESPECT their husbands and asks men to LOVE their wives. Those are the aspects each gender needs most.
Modern Woman says
In my family, I was taught that you cannot have love without respect first. Yes, women need love, but without respect, that love is hollow. But I’m not American. Maybe it’s different for you folks?
“…because I know as a woman I am best at a supporting role.” Wow. No wonder you find feminism disgusting. Feminism is simply about recognizing women’s equality. Not sameness as men, not dominance over men–simply having equality as human being. You can nurture, love, and support someone without taking a supporting role. Men are so much more than stars of the stage, and we are so much more than their close-mouthed, non-whining, tidying-up-the-home handmaidens.
Prime example of religion being regressive to society.
How is this regressive?
B – You think our society is getting healthier because we are “progressive”. There is something to be said for traditional values. Those of us that believe in the Bible as truth know that being a follower of God and His word we will have peace within. The Bible is our roadmap to life. It is very comforting to walk this life knowing God, we choose to walk in obedience to God not the latest trends. Our goal is that our relationships would be built on Love and Respect, both giving all.
I agree with most of this post but the woman needs respect as well from there husband. Their are alot of husbands out there that no matter if you did everyone of these everyday would not make a difference in how they respect you. you have to show respect to get it back and that goes for both sides of the marriage not just one! This should also be for the husband as well espeacialy when most wives work full time jobs these days cause it is needed or the husband request that they do.
It’s true, however- we cannot change anyone but ourselves. If we start there, we will become happier just by pleasing someone else! Don’t have expectations though from anyone else– they’re human and will let you down
I would not normally comment about something like this, but I have to say that this list is great! I’m not saying it should be followed to a “T”, but I feel like there are so many husbands and wives out there that do not think of each other in these ways. I am all for a women working and helping to support the family, but I love my husband more than anything and feel that he should be respected in these ways just as much as I expect him to respect me in these ways.
I feel ashamed young women still writting this kind of things. Please do not ruine all the feminist work since now! :S
Amanda Lin Jones says
its not ruining anything, you obviously have no idea how to be a strong woman in a strong relationship if this bothers you. I am a strong capable wife and mother who also happens to work outside the home AND have been in the Army for the past 5 years….I still make my husbands lunch for work and have dinner ready when he gets home, and do you know why? Because when I show how much I appreciate him, I get much more in return. I CHOOSE to do these things. The feminist movement gave me the opportunity to choose these things, choice is what we fight for isn’t it? How did you even get to this sight if this is how you feel?
This article bothered me and I consider myself a very strong woman in a strong relationship!!
Bethany K. Myers says
It takes more courage, strength, and self-control do do all these things than to be a bitter, sullen, and selfish wife…Like Amanda I have CHOSEN to pursue these things in my marriage, and it has made our home a fun and joyful place for my husband to come home to!! This in turn leads him to treat me with respect, and to care for my needs in a deeper way…everyone has a choice…this is mine.
Sara Tague says
My boyfriend and I live together and are in a committed relationship with no intent to get married soon but we joke around frequently that he is my 1950’s housewife. I also don’t agree that it’s the “woman’s” job to do this – I think it’s the “couple’s” job to do this for EACH OTHER. I will never be the “dutiful” 1950’s housewife, greeting my boyfriend at the door, all dressed up, full makeup, with a hot meal prepared for him. He does this for me – He enjoys it and I enjoy it.
That all said, please keep in mind that the feminist movement did not give women the right to go out and work and not have to do all this – It gave them the right to CHOOSE. If she has chosen to live her life like this, while it would not work for me, it shows how the feminist movement succeeded: We are both able to live the ways we want to.
Laura K says
Your point is very well stated. 🙂 I am the opposite of you, but I greatly appreciate that women can choose what they feel best suits their personality and their life situation. 🙂
I am distressed by the amount of negative comments here! Many of the women who disagree with this post are basically saying she shouldn’t have written this. So *you* are allowed to state how *you* feel and talk about what *you* think, but the author is not? Ahh, liberalism…AKA, hypocrisy at its finest.
What is wrong with dressing to impress your husband? You dressed up on your dates to impress him . You dress up when you go to work and out with your girlfriends. Why not keep yourself together. I don’t think the list is implying to go the whole 9 yard every day but it is ok to get out of the sweats and not to let yourself go. You would probably get irritated if he let himself go. Never shaved, showered, wore clothes he knew you didnt like. i just dont see the issue with it.
And the sex issue. I dont think that she is saying to make yourself available EVERY time he want it. But why not TRY to make yourself available. Turn the table and think how you would feel if YOU wanted it and he SHUT you out so fast with out even a thought.
I truly feel bad for the husband to you women who are whining about this list. I am not at all a submissive wife. But I Respect my husband as my friend, my lover, and my companion.
You should add number 26, let him put a collar on you and call you fifi, because you are basically his dog at this point.
I feel so sad that women have been trained to believe that it’s their way or the highway… no wonder relationships so often fail and are at best miserable. I was a “liberated” woman once… raised to believe that I was equal to man in every way, be it mentally, emotionally or physically. It took years to realize that yes, we are equal in that we are all created in God’s image, but that we are NOT equal mentally, emotionally or physically. Not being equal doesn’t mean we are less. It means we are different! I’m smarter in some areas than my husband, but he’s smarter than me in others. I’m definitely not as strong, and my emotions certainly control me more. There is nothing wrong with this and I celebrate these beautiful differences! I’ve learned also that women are more flexible, adaptable, and giving, which means we aren’t as hesitant to give in to a man we truly love. To my surprise and delight, I’ve learned that being flexible, adaptable and giving has increased my husband’s love for me and he is happy to give in to things that I want. There is no need for nagging, competition, and other things that tear apart marriages. We are happy with how God made us, man and woman. NOW, I am truly liberated.
Should add # 26 …bring your husband slippers when he arrives home from wokr, hand him the
newspaper, let him relax while you cook dinner Lol
Wow! To the women who are too busy being independent and who have lost there place, you must hear THIS! And I say this in love, cause I actually care about marriages even if it’s not my own. This list is NOT FOR THE WEAK, quite the contrary. I’m married and have tried BOTH ways. In the beginning it was all about ME not wanting to lose “my identity or independence.” What a joke! We almost got a divorce over that. No thank you, I’ll take the road less traveled and KEEP my marriage. It’s an honor to show my husband and my children what a REAL WOMAN IS! Forget about this being written in 1952. I’ll give ya something that was written 2000 years ago…PROVERBS 31 BABY. ONLY a woman of strength walks this road. Everyone else, hope your marriage lasts. I mean that. P.S. When I first read this, I thought to myself, ” This is TRUE Unconditional LOVE. I choose to live my life for others, even if it’s a sacrifice sometimes.
While I would agree with the comments stating that this list is disgusting, I must say that there are valid arguments on both sides. I have always thought that what makes a happy marriage is when two people fall in love with each other for who they are and create a system of give-and-take that works for both of them. That may mean following this list, or it may not. Each marriage will have its own specific needs and BOTH people should bend to meet those demands in a way that works for the family or situation.
Modern woman says
Seriously? Was this written in 1952? I feel sorry for a woman who has to do some of these things to keep a man. Do you really want a man who would judge you by what you wore or who would scorn you because dinner was late? I’ve had my man for almost half my life and I can count the number of times dinner was ready on one hand. Defer to his wishes? Let final decisions rest with him? Go back to school ladies, grow a brain, and become your own person.
Is thus real?… This I hilarious, I thought women had equal rights now.
Modern woman says
Scary…I think it is. But apparently we are Satan’s emissaries for having backbones!
Soo Soo Tasty says
Wow I love this! I will Tweet and Pin this as a reminder. Tastefully SoSo
I still can’t believe people still live by some 2,000 year old book that totally demeans women. So glad I didn’t fall prey to religious brainwashing and can think for myself
just a stranger says
Satan comes to kill, steal and destroy….a lot of these negative comments and replys come from such spirits. If for some reason you dont like the list, dont be tempted to speak words that one day, you will be held accountable for. Move on asking God to help you be the Godly wife He’s called you to be…but these ideas will pretty much be His response to you. They are from His book..the Bible!
For you Jennifer, keep going women of God!!! You are treasured not only by Him but also from me… you’ve taken some good blows by some of these folks who are hurting and hurting people hurt people! You my friend learn from this…take it and grow !!!
You and all in my prayers!
Why so much emotions involved???? If this list is not for you, its not for you!!! You don’t have to post such negative things to make yourselves look empowered as high class, outspoken, to good for any man women…all your doing is showing your pain and struggles in your own life! Hurting people hurt people…! Give your struggles to God!
Satan comes to kill, steal, and destroy! Don’t let him rob you Jennifer of your calling to us MARRIED WOMEN who want to stand out and not blend in!!!! Keep posting your gifts, ideas and Gods word!
With this last note, I loved the list!
Melissa Carr says
I do think there is some validity in this. It does have some undertones of an Old-Fashioned, Stay-at-Home Mom,Housewife from the 50’s/60’s, but nonetheless, it is important. I understand the point you are trying to make and I think it is a good one. When we have a realization that we are here on Earth to help one another in what way we can, then we will all be receivers of positiveness. Make sure everyday you are living that you are striving to be the best you can be for yourself and your family.
Maybe next time something like this is written, it can be addressed in a way that doesnt give the idea of the Woman being a follower, but a co-leader in this ride of marriage☺
What a wonderful list of things I can easily do for my husband! Thank you!
I believe in compromise, not sacrifice as this post suggests you do. I’m all for pleasing my husband but not if it means compromising my own beliefs, values, and self respect. I’m going to be who I am right now, because that is who my husband married. Not a stepford wife.
There is a new organization headed up by Dr. Julie Slatterly and Linda Dillow, who have been addressing issues like this for many years with a lot of nitty-gritty info on sexual intimacy. They have some interesting information backed up by a lot of research on the subject. Their website is due to be in operation Sept. 10, but there is a splash page for viewing. http://www.authenticintimacy.com. They recently held a conference and taped 10 sessions for DVDs.
Concerned Reader says
This is exactly what is wrong with the world today; lack of respect. Women have come a long way in the last one hundred years as far as rights are concerned, but at what cost. The lack of respect of which I speak is to the Holy Word of God. This subject is so much deeper than can be discussed on this board, so I will not expound upon the duties of a husband to his wife, but rather focus on the root of the conflict at hand, whether women are subject to their husband. It may seem that I am coming down hard on wives, but I can and do come down even harder on husbands. In the end they are responsible and will be held accountable as a leader of their household. With regard to the conflict at hand, I encourage you all to heed not my opinion on this issue but rather turn to God’s word for understanding. If you are a Christian, then delve deeper into this subject. If you are not, I pray that you would see there is a Creator, that this world did not happen by chance, and that He has given us a plan that if we live by we will be very blessed. Therefore, first and foremost, quoted from the New King James Version:
Ephesians 5:22-24, 33
22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
Verse 22 can pretty much be taken for face value; although additional emphasis should be placed on the verb used for submit. The Greek verb, upotassesthe, here was used in ancient writings with regard to a person worthy of respect and in this case the husband which, by God’s intention, is worthy of respect. It was also used to capture the concept of obedience, submitting to one’s control, and yielding to one’s advice; absolutely. There is no middle ground. God intended the husband to be the head of the wife and in all things she should defer to him. When it comes to familial management, God gave the responsibility to the husband.
Verse 23 uses the word head in a metaphorical sense. This word kephalē literally translates to head, as in the head of a man or beast; but, in context it is used to illustrate the concept of superior rank; the husband being higher in rank to that of the wife. The exact same noun is used when Christ is described as the head of the church. To deny the husband as head over his wife is to deny that Christ is the head of the church!
As we move on to verse 24 we see an analogy clearly illustrating the concept of the husband and wife relationship. The church, collectively those who worship and follow God and Christ, are in direct subjection to Jesus Christ, who has been given all authority over the kingdom by God the Father. When we put on Christ in baptism we are dying to ourselves and putting away the lives we knew before for a new life in Him. We enter a covenant relationship with God which many do not truly understand the power of. As part of that covenant we submit our lives to the will of God; give all we have without question to Him (and I emphasize the without out question). Therefore when a man and a woman enter into a marriage agreement, they are entering into a covenant that has been sanctioned by God; a powerful and binding covenant that we agree to live by. Once again so few truly understand the power and significance of the marriage covenant relationship. An important stipulation of that covenant is found in verse 24, that a wife yield to the authority of her husband as we all yield to the authority of Christ; she is commanded by the word of God to submit on every matter and in every condition to her husband. The husband has the final say and he has the responsibility of seeing the welfare of the family, both physically and spiritually. For a wife to tell her husband “how it is” is no better than telling Jesus Christ “how its gonna be”.
Moving along, verse 33:
33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Verse 33 in particular uses the word respects with regard to her husband. In this case the word does not do justice to the concept Paul, through divine inspiration of the Holy Spirit, was trying to illustrate here. The Greek word used here is phobētai, which in this context, denotes reverence for and to treat with reverential obedience. Respect alone is not enough. Wives must have deep respect for their husbands and be willing to reverently accept his decisions for the family. She must respect the position which God has appointed the husband to, the spiritual head of the household.
To deny these words is to deny the word of God. To deny the word of God is a very dangerous thing. To deny the word of God cannot be forgiven, because without Him there is no forgiveness; without Him there is only condemnation and eternal damnation. I encourage all who read this post to study this subject further for it goes far deeper than what I have briefly skimmed.
The problem with today’s society is that the family is falling apart. Not enough men know how to be husbands or fathers. Not enough women know how to be wives or mothers. And there children are running rampant. The family structure has got to be reinstituted into our society or it will fail. Everything starts with a good solid foundation, including the success of a country. Lastly there is an except that I would like to share with you all; it comes from Sketches of Jewish Social life:
“A certain wise woman said to her daughter before her marriage: ‘My child, stand before thy husband and minister to him. If thou wilt act as his maiden he will be thy slave, and honour thee as his mistress; but if thou exalt thyself against him, he will be thy master, and thou shalt become vile in his eyes, like one of the maidservants.’”
Modern woman says
The Ephesians text you quote is, I believe, the word of Christ’s followers (was it Paul? You would certainly kniw better than me, as you went to such lengths to dazzle us eith your knowledge of the Bible) and not Christ himself. Christ loved and respected women as true equals, and in fact revealed Himself after the Resurrection firstly to a woman. It is a shame that his feminist teachings were buried under the misogynist beliefs of some of his followers. The world would be a better place for woman if the true words of Christ were honored.
Concerned Reader says
I am glad you chose to read and reply to my post, yet I fear that you do not fully understand the concept I have presented. First and foremost I would like to clarify myself with regard to my perception of the female gender. I by no means support the repression or degradation of women. Women are the most beautiful creation of God and the greatest physical gift He has blessed us with; in my humble opinion. A woman completes the man: where he is rough, she is gentle; where he hard, she is soft; where he was made for hard work, she was made to nurture. The list could go on and on but my point is that the two natures complement each other. Each, man and woman, were made for a purpose. I believe my previous post applies to only those women who have chosen to enter into the marriage covenant with a man to become husband and wife. I believe at that point she has agreed to be the caregiver of their household while he has accepted the role of provider. By God’s plan the husband was elected the leader of the family. There is no equal partnership in the sense that the wife can overrule her husband’s decision for the family, as some have suggested. Now, I do not want to be misinterpreted with regard to this statement. I do not believe this gives the husband the right to lord over his wife; she is his wife with respect and due honor, not his slave to be treaded upon. If we refer back to Ephesians chapter 5, we can see the foundations of this concept in verse 25. Quoted from the New King James once again, “25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.” Christ so loved the church, which are His followers, that He suffered and died upon the cross so that we may reap the benefits, which are mercy and grace. We reap where it is not due, but freely given in love. Likewise, the husband should care so much for his wife that he is willing to lay down his own life in service to her, that he may fulfill his purpose to prosper his family. He should love her unconditionally and be devoted to her care above his own. The same applies to the wife, that she love and cherish her husband above herself. Verse 28 and 29 state “8 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.” If a husband can live by these assertions, than his wife should have no reservations following his lead. Alas, marriage is not for everyone and there are many in today’s society who have chosen to join together in marriage, yet do not respect the bond it creates. They are married for selfish reasons, to please their own lustful desires which are the breeding grounds for contention and strife. It may sound cliché but ever so true. Marriage is not about oneself, but about the other. If married couples were to abide in these words, the words of God, we would not be having this conversation.
Now, as far as your concerns with regard the scriptural basis of my post, I can assure you that the words are trustworthy and true; the words of God spoken through His servant Paul. The Bible as we know it is the holy word of God. It is God’s truth handed down to us by His Holy Spirit. Christ came to this earth to bring about the salvation of man. He was God’s truth manifested in the flesh. John 1:14 “14 And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.” Christ was sent to the Jews, God’s people, a corrupt and perverse generation. He called them from the darkness into the marvelous light of God. Christ loved all and gave Himself for all as a blood sacrifice for a New Covenant; a covenant offered to all who would accept it, not just the Jews. By His life the law was fulfilled and God provided salvation to all who would obey His will. It was not until after His death, resurrection, and ascension into heaven that His kingdom was established. The day of Pentecost is the day of which I speak, when the Lord’s church was established and His apostles were filled with the Holy Spirit of God, which had been promised to them (read Acts 1:4-8 & Acts 2:1-4). Christ had prophesied of this account several times prior to this event. In John 16:12-15 Jesus told His disciples “12 I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now. 13 However, when He, the Spirit of truth, has come, He will guide you into all truth; for He will not speak on His own authority, but whatever He hears He will speak; and He will tell you things to come. 14 He will glorify Me, for He will take of what is Mine and declare it to you. 15 All things that the Father has are Mine. Therefore I said that He will take of Mine and declare it to you.” You see, God’s plan was not meant to be completed in full while Christ was on this earth as a man, for it was not His purpose. Christ was not meant to reveal all things, but had His place to glorify the Father by obeying His will unto death. Likewise the Spirit had its own purpose, to glorify Christ by receiving the fullness of truth from Him and bestowing it upon man. This was to happen after His sacrifice on the cross, after He was resurrected, and after He ascended into heaven, at which time the apostles whom He had chosen would receive the Spirit of Truth; the day of Pentecost. Now as far as the Bible being written by man this is correct, yet as we can see it is not the whole truth. The Bible is the inspired word of God given to us by His Spirit. It was all part of His glorious plan. God literally gave these men the words to speak, the words of His truth. This shouldn’t surprise you though for it was so since the beginning. The Holy Scriptures’, the Old Testament writings were handed down to man, written and recorded by man. 2 Timothy 3:16 further affirms the notion as the Spirit guided Paul to write to Timothy stating “16 All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, 17 that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.” The fact of the matter is that God used man to complete His will by recording His truth and that is how we have the Bible today. The true words of Christ are being honored every day by those who read, implement, and live by the Bible.
I would really like you to look at the following scripture so as to not take my word for it, but affirm these things for yourself.
1 Corinthians 2:9-7-13
1 Corinthians 12:3
2 Peter 1:19-21
Most of the respondents with negative comments are obviously not Christian, and likely not married or in a relationship that will lead to marriage. I appreciated the comments and their scriptural backing, even though we are of different faiths we can agree that by applying the bible’s counsel, things are so much smoother and easier, no matter what others say to the contrary.
Also, don’t slam Christian values on a self described Christian blog. The nerve of some people!
I have been married to my husband for almost 10 wonderful years now, and while we practice this in our home, I will have to say my own husband was apalled at the way some of this is said.
“If you would dress the way I find appealing all the time, you would be going to the store to buy milk in 6 inch heels. Anyways…there is nothing like coming home and finding you curled up with one of your books in one of my shirts, messy hair and all” *and yes, he is talking about those books that apparently I’m not supposed to read…but if he doesn’t mind…*
“Choose joy….yeah, but I do want you to tell me when you are mad, and when you are upset. Because obviously I’ve done something wrong, and I want to fix it! I don’t want you to just smile, and pretend everything is ok while you pray for it. Tell me what I’ve done…even if you are mad at the time, and we will pray about it together! I know I need to be smacked upside the head every once and again or things won’t get done. Do it. I might get upset for a minute, but I will get over it…because things will get done that way.”
“And there is absolutely no point on you having sex with me simply because I am in the mood. Your pleasure is my pleasure, and if you are only faking it, even if I don’t know you are, then my pleasure is empty by default. What about when you are in the mood and I’m not? What about when you have one of your migraines? Or when you just did one of your deep down scrubs on the house and you can’t move your arms afterwards? No, that’s just not right”
So yeah, like I said…great advice. Respect your husband, treat him right, pray for him, listen to him….but the wording could definitely be different. I can see what you are saying, but many might not. And this advice in going unread by many simply because of the wording.
I found nothing wrong with the post. The author backed up what she was saying by scripture from the bible. If you aren’t religious, then you don’t have to agree with the post. But if you are, it clearly states in the bible that a wife should be submissive to her husband and the husband should provide for his wife and be the man of the house. This doesn’t mean that he should take advantage of his wife, but to work together as a team. Stop making it an issue about feminism. It’s not saying that the husband shouldn’t do things for you either. There is a followup post for men to read as well about how to show your wife that you love and care for her.
What the heck is this?! Let’s all be stepford wife robots, right?
HUNH?? these are all great ideas for a couple to do for each other… i do not believe that we women should have to cater to our man’s every desire, want, need, or itch.. its crazy that many women are supporting this post.. one comment says hes not a child so don’t treat him as such.. excellent point.. he is not a child so i should not have to cater to him as though this is all I’m here for. He is also very capable of doing for himself. i have wants needs and desires as well and unless my man is willing to do all this for me.. he will not be getting the same in return.. this post is very degrading to women.
Hi, I realize you’re getting a whole lot of flack because some inconsiderate pinterest user(s) decided to “cast pearls before swine,” but I just wanted to encourage you that this advice is spot on! I’ve been married just over six years now, and I truly feel that I have a better sex life and romantic partnership than many of the bitter, angry women commenting because I love my husband and don’t resent him. My life isn’t a power struggle, and I like it that way. Christian women might disagree on the specifics (who pays the bills or buys the groceries or chooses the vacations), but seeking to honor our husbands is always the right decision.
Just something to think about: the whole marriage should be 50/50 thing is so subjective. How do you know when you’ve given your 50%? How do you know when your spouse has given HIS 50%? See, when you take the whole 50/50 approach, you always see yourself as giving what YOU think is fair and then spend the rest of your efforts evaluating if you think your spouse has given THEIR 50%…usually ending with you feeling short-changed at your estimation of your spouse’s efforts. How do you know he hasn’t given 150% or 200%? By what scale have you decided he only gives, say 25%? You don’t know, it’s subjective. And how would you feel if your spouse unfairly estimated your contribution to the marriage? My guess is you wouldn’t feel respected. So instead of relying on an ever-changing scale of “equal effort”, this list shows a woman how she can give 200%. It’s liberating to give 200%. My husband, since finding Christ now gives, what I would call 300%! In fact, I’d say he out-does me in love and service towards me. So following this list and not keeping constant tabs on if you and your spouse are contributing equally can result in such blessing for you both beyond a mere 50%. My husband sacrifices for me and is happy. I sacrifice for him and I am happy. Out-do each other in love and respect and you will not regret it.
k. boyd says
First of all, marriage should never be viewed as 50-50. It should be 100-100. If you enter into a marriage only willing to fulfill your half of the obligation as you see it, your marriage is destined to fail, because your motives are selfish and self serving, not loving your spouse more than yourself and your own desires. That can only last so long before both parties are so selfish and self-serving, unwilling to bend, unwilling to forgive, that divorce is inevitable.
This article was written by a woman who is making suggestions to other married women on ways to show your husband love and respect. Putting someone else’s needs before our own (especially our husband’s) shows gratitude and grace. As far as not wanting to dress to please him, most single women, Christian or not, dress to impress men prior to their wedding day and its never viewed as demeaning or archaic. Rather, its fashionable, sexy, flirtatious, etc- which is generally accepted and even encouraged. why wouldn’t you continue the same practice after your wedding day? Is it because the hard part is over? You’ve got your man and now its ok to let yourself go? No one is saying to scrub toilets in stilettos and put makeup on all the time. Your husband should love you no matter what you wear or look like, but By viewing these ideas as demeaning and disrespectful to women, youre assuming that these women are submitting to an abusive husband who drags them around by their hair in the cave and beats them with a club. Not so. If that IS the case, then by all means, get help immediately from a qualified mental health professional.
As far as having sex when you might not feel like it, again, it goes back to putting another persons needs before your own. Within the bounds of a healthy marriage that involves communication and MUTUAL respect, going out of your way to do nice things for someone should be part of a marriage built on genuine love and friendship, and that might include areas of your sex life. No, it does not and should not be that you Always have to have sex everyday when you arent in the mood. But if you find that you are never in the mood, maybe there are other issues that you should be dealing with, sex being the least of your concerns, and again, i would suggest counselling. I think our society has been teaching women that its ok to use sex as a weapon, sex as a means of getting what you want, or as a means of getting attention, but our culture, sadly, doesnt teach women that sex was designed by God to communicate love and mutual respect to your spouse. It doesnt seem to offend women that every magazine in every grocery checkstand in America baits you and takes your money by selling you clothes to impress that guy at the office, how to have amazing sexual experiences, whats the latest makeup trend, etc. Why isnt that demeaning? They are pimping you out to men who dont care about you or the state of your heart when you wear those cute clothes on a date, use those makeup tips, and follow all of those suggestions for amazing sex, and then the guy never calls you back. Why is it so archaic to be willing to do everything you possibly can to show love and care, passion and compassion to the person you have vowed to love and cherish all the days of your life, until death do you part? If the shoe were on the other foot, i know my husband would (and does) do everything and anything to show love to me, and i certainly want to do the same for him.
A Silent Rank says
Reblogged this on A Silent Rank.
Absolutely shocking, sexist, and offensive. If you think these things are good advice you need to seek help.