25 Ways to Communicate Respect

Actions speak louder than words. You can say you respect your husband, but he’ll have a hard time believing that unless your behavior backs it up.

What does respectful living look like? Here are 25 ways you can communicate respect to your spouse without uttering a word. If you’ll make it your habit to do these things, the next time you tell your husband how much you respect him, he won’t have to wonder if you really mean it.

  1. Choose Joy
    It’s true: A happy wife makes a happy life. Please don’t use moodiness as an attempt to manipulate your man, but in all things rejoice, because that’s the right thing to do. (1 Thessaonians 5:16; Philippians 4:4)
  2. Honor His Wishes
    Give weight to what your husband thinks is important. Make those things a priority that matter most to him, whether it’s having dinner ready when he gets home from work or keeping the house tidy or limiting computer time. Don’t make him ask twice. (Philippians 2:4)
  3. Give Him Your Undivided Attention
    Yes, I know that women are masters of multi-tasking, but when your husband is speaking to you, make a point to lay other tasks aside, look into his eyes, and listen to what he is saying with the goal of understanding and remembering his words.
  4. Don’t Interrupt
    Have you ever been around a person who won’t let you finish a sentence? That gets old fast. Even if you think you already know what your husband is going to say, allowing him to say it without cutting him off mid-sentence shows both respect and common courtesy.
  5. Emphasize His Good Points
    Sure, he has his faults (as do you), but dwelling on them will only make you (both) miserable. Choose instead to focus on those qualities in your husband that you most admire. (Philippians 4:8)
  6. Pray for Him
    Ruth Graham advises wives to “tell your mate the positive, and tell God the negative.” Take your concerns to God. Faithfully lift up your husband in prayer every day, and you will likely notice a transformation not only in him, but in yourself, as well. (Philipians 4:6-7; 1 Thessalonians 5:17)
  7. Don’t Nag
    Your husband is a grown man, so don’t treat him like a two-year-old. Leave room for God to work. You are not the Holy Spirit, so do not try to do His job.
  8. Be Thankful
    Cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Don’t take your husband for granted. Be appreciative for everything he does for you, whether big or small. Always say thank you. (1 Thessalonians 5:18; Ephesians 5:20)
  9. Smile at Him
    Smiles spread happiness. Smiles have even been shown to create happiness. Smiles are contagious. And a smile makes any woman more beautiful.
  10. Respond Physically
    Did you know that the way you respond (or don’t respond) to your husband’s romantic overtures has a profound effect on his self-confidence? Don’t slap him away when he tries to hug you or make excuses when he’s in the mood. Your enthusiastic cooperation and reciprocation will not only assure him of your love, but will make him feel well-respected, too. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)
  11. Eyes Only for Him
    Don’t compare your husband unfavorably to other men, real or imaginary. It is neither fair nor respectful and will only breed trouble and discontent. Avoid watching movies or reading books that might cause you to stumble in this area, as well. (Psalm 19:14; Proverbs 4:23)
  12. Kiss Him Goodbye
    I once read about a study done in Germany which found that men whose wives kissed them goodbye every morning were more successful than those who weren’t kissed. Success and respect often go hand-in-hand, so be sure to send him off right, and don’t forget to greet him with a kiss when he returns home, for good measure. (2 Corinthians 13:12)
  13. Prepare His Favorite Foods
    Although the rest of the family is not overly-fond of spaghetti, my husband loves it, so I try to make it at least two or three times a month as a way to honor him. Next time you’re planning meals, give special consideration to your husband’s preferences. (Proverbs 31:14-15)
  14. Cherish Togetherness
    I love to sit near my husband, whether at home or away. Our church shares potluck dinners every Sunday afternoon, and although the men and women normally sit separately to visit, I like to position myself close enough to my husband that I can listen to the conversation, as I think everything he says is so interesting. At home, I’ll take my book or handwork to whatever room in the house he’s working in, just to be close to him, because I enjoy his company, even when neither of us is talking.
  15. Don’t Complain
    Nobody wants to be around a whiner or complainer. It is grating on the nerves. Remember the serenity prayer: accept the things you can’t change, courageously change the things you can, seek wisdom to know the difference. (Philippians 2:14)
  16. Resist the Urge to Correct
    I know one wife whose spouse can’t tell a story without her stopping him fifteen times to correct inconsequential details: “It wasn’t Monday evening, it was Monday afternoon…. It wasn’t blue, it was turquoise…. He didn’t ride the bus, he took a shuttle.” Please. Please. Please. Don’t ever do that to your husband — or to anyone else, for that matter! (Proverbs 17:28)
  17. Dress to Please Him
    Take care of your appearance. Choose clothes your husband finds flattering, both in public and around the house.
  18. Keep the House Tidy
    To the best of your abilities, try to maintain a clean and orderly home. Seek to make it a haven of rest for your entire family. (Proverbs 31:27)
  19. Be Content
    Do not pressure your husband to keep up with the Jonses. Take satisfaction in the lifestyle he is able to provide for you. (1 Timothy 6:6-10; Hebrews 13:5)
  20. Take His Advice
    Do not dismiss his opinions lightly, especially when you’ve asked for his counsel in the first place. Make every effort to follow your husband’s advice.
  21. Admire Him
    Voiced compliments and heartfelt praise are always welcome, but you should also make it your habit to just look at your husband in a respectful, appreciative way. Think kind thoughts toward him. He’ll be able to see the admiration in your eyes. (Luke 6:45)
  22. Protect His Name
    Honor your husband in the way you speak of him to family and friends. Guard his reputation and do not let minor disagreements at home cause you to speak ill of him in public. Live in such a way that it will be obvious to others why your husband married you in the first place. (Proverbs 12:4; 22:1)
  23. Forgive His Shortcomings
    In the words of Ruth Bell Graham, “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” Please do not hold grudges against your husband. Do not allow a root of bitterness or resentment find a home in your heart. Forgive your husband freely, as Christ has forgiven you. (Mark 11:25; Matthew 18:21-35)
  24. Don’t Argue
    You are not always right, and you do not always have to have the last word. Be the first to say, “I’m sorry.” Be willing to accept the blame. It takes two to argue, so “abandon a quarrel before it breaks out.” (Proverbs 17:14; 21:19; 25:24)
  25. Follow His Lead
    If you want your husband to lead, you must be willing to follow. Neither a body nor a family can function well with two heads. Learn to defer to your husband’s wishes and let final decisions rest with him. (Ephesians 5:22-24)

Proverbs 18:22 tells us, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” Do these 25 things consistently, and your husband will never have trouble believing that fact.

25 Ways to Communicate Respect to Your Husband - Read the post. Sign up for the challenge. Order the book. 25 Ways to Show Love to Your Wife - Must reading for any man looking to improve his marriage.Did you like this post? Then you will love my book, 25 Ways to Communicate Respect to Your Husband — nearly 200 pages filled with Biblical wisdom and sensible suggestions for putting these principles into practice. And check out my husband’s companion book, as well: 25 Ways to Show Love to Your Wife. It’s based on his blog post by the same title.

And for those who’ve requested printable versions of these articles, you’ll find the list for wives here and the one for husbands here, with an option to print either article in its entirety or as a one-page summary.

How Do I Love Thee? A Devotional Journal for Wives

1,073 thoughts on “25 Ways to Communicate Respect

  1. Pingback: Bragging and praying | quote closet

  2. KenH

    Ask yourself “what will this really mean next year”? In the bigger scheme of things most of the problems we get stressed about aren’t really that important. It may be a big deal to you, right now, right here, but will it really determine anything of substance in the long run?

  3. christina

    And I don’t think it makes any woman like a slave of any sort to strive not to deny her husband sex. This works both ways too. My ex lost sexual interest in me for a period of time, and it was horrible. I agreed to be with one person for the rest of my life, I’ve got a strong drive, and suddenly I was completely deprived. I think it is wrong to let someone make that commitment, to only receive that pleasure from you, and then not give it to them. The bible should not be used to control that person and make them do it, nor should anything else. It should be something the spouse chooses to give. They still have the right to be selfish if they choose to.

  4. christina

    Quite an argument going on here! I can honestly relate to both sides. I tried respecting my ex husband, but it became too difficult, it repulsed me, and it encouraged him to be less and less of a man with a bigger and bigger sense of entitlement. After he ended up cheating numerous times, I walked away.

    The man I’m with now is a different story. I can read this article and want to take notes, because these are things that I want to do for him. The difference is that I can respect him. Pretending to respect somebody when you just plain don’t is harder than many realize. There’s a million things I love, respect, and admire about the man I’m with now. It still gets hard sometimes, there are fights and people will get frustrated, but having a strong foundation of respect makes a person much better at respecting during an argument, when it becomes more difficult to do. If you choose someone you can’t respect, it will be impossible in those moments that you are upset.

  5. Amanda Ataraxia

    This is all really well and good……..if you’re Christian and don’t mind submitting to a man for the rest of your life and swallowing all of your own ideas to support someone else instead of yourself….. I’d like to see your list of 25 ways to respect your wife next. Please tell me you have one. Backed up by the Bible.

  6. Marlene

    I don’t understand WHY is this post so controversial. Comon ladies!! Get a grip and get it together! Why so defensive? Why so fighsty? That’s exactly the problem. Us women are very proud creatures and think that treating men like garbage makes us better and is not like that. Thats why this society is so rotten.
    Calm down. Take a breath! And if you cant love a man that when u marry him you can not do these things for him then stay single!
    We often think because they are guys they don’t have feelings and needs like us. We like to be the prissy princesses of the house and crush them cause they are men. Let me tell you they have feelings just like us and needs too. Need to be loved and admired and cared for. Women a natural nurturers and men natural hunters and protectors. Get with the program. You might actually find happiness.
    The Bible says: “a wise woman builds her home but a foolish one destroys it with her own hands”. This is not as simple as it sounds. Figure it out. Take your place. We are man’s right hand and the pillars of our homes! Respect yourselves by building your home. Don’t destroy it with stupid pride.
    And stop fighting and ‘judging’ if you don’t wanna be judged. Some in here ate complaining of being ‘judged’ but who started judging first? There is freedom of speech and this lady posted great advice. For some is good and if you don’t like it. Don’t offend either and if you do swallow your words when you get ‘judged’

  7. Shelley

    I have been married twice. The first husband was abusive and the second was bi-polar and an alcoholic, both used religion to try to control my behavior or excuse theirs. I believe it is highly irresponsible of you to post something like this without a disclaimer that none of this applies if your husband is abusive (phyically, emotionally, sexually, etc.) or if mental illness or substance abuse is involved. Adding a statement about what is NOT part of a loving Christian relationship is in order, along with a list of places women can go for help if abuse, mental illness or substance abuse is part of their relationship. I will never forget the day, I gathered the courage to go see my pastor alone for counseling and told him some of the truth of my first marriage and he told me that God did not want me to suffer like that and essentally gave me his support if I chose to leave my abusive husband. It was very powerful and much needed. I believe you should have the courage to say it as well for the benefit of all Christian women who are suffering abuse from cruel, mentally ill and/or addicted men.

    1. Jennifer Flanders Post author

      You make a valid point, Shelley. No husband has a right to abuse his wife, and if a marriage is plagued by mental illness, alcoholism, or drug addiction, professional help should be sought.

    2. Marlene

      Of course. None of these applies to an abusive man. I am glad you were freed from abuse and wish you the best in your future. Blessings.

  8. Kristin Fletcher

    Love and Respect are two different things. Where is the article on the husband RESPECTING his wife?

  9. J

    I thank God every day for giving me a husband who sees me as his equal partner in this life. He expects things of me, and I expect things of him. Sometimes we argue, but it is to find common ground. In response to another’s comment, that doesn’t make me angry, it brings me great peace.

    Reading this made me incredibly sad because until women start seeing themselves as equal, there never will be gender equality in this world. I’m sure your husband is a wonderful man, but the idea that women are to be submissive and always put men first gives the not so nice guys an excuse to put women down, ignore them or worse.

    Do I need to check myself sometimes to make sure I’m paying better attention to my husband’s needs, yes of course I do. I think it’s wonderful that you want your husband to know you respect him, and that you’ve pointed out that sometimes we disrespect one another in the simplest ways without even realizing it. I only hope that he works this hard to show his respect for you and that you have enough respect for yourself to stand up when it’s important and consider that you have needs to and it can’t always be his that come first.

  10. Agratha

    You had me at (without uttering a word).

    Really? 2012 and you want to go back in time and be walked all over and treated like a doormat by your husband? I didn’t even have to read this entire post to get disgusted by it.

    Great post on how to be a successful slave though.

  11. Taylor Russia Smith

    I noticed that the list for men is about ‘loving’ your wife, and not ‘respecting’ your wife, while this list for women is about ‘respecting’ your husband.

    Basically this list is about voiding your opinions to let your husband just take the reins of everything. Dress to please HIM. Do thinks that HE likes. If HE’s in the mood, don’t push him away or make excuses.
    That last one gets me the most. If he’s feeling in the mood, you’re obligated to reciprocate it, no matter how much you don’t want too?
    So, say after I get out of school and become a vet, I get married. I come home from an all-day shift, covered in blood and cat urine, psychologically burnt-out from dealing with several critical condition patients…if he’s interested in sex, I’m not allowed to say ‘no, not now’? Is that what being a ‘good, respectful wife’ means?
    Then I’m just getting more pets. I want to be treated as an equal, not a subservient second-in-command.
    The world isn’t run by one person. Every party needs to make an input.

    Also, don’t read books or watch movies that might make you think of someone other than your husband as attractive?
    Fictional characters don’t exist, if you find a nonexistent person attractive, I don’t think that counts as adultery. When I eventually get married, my husband isn’t going to care about my childhood crush on Captain America.

    1. Jennifer Flanders Post author

      Regarding your childhood crush on Captain America, I agree: it is unlikely your future husband will be bothered by that. If, however, you remain fixated on Captain America as a married woman, pinning pictures of Captain America all over real or virtual pinboards, talking incessantly about how handsome and brave and wonderful Captain America is, and griping that your husband doesn’t act or talk or look anything like Captain America, then it’s quite possible he would mind. That sort of behavior would get really old really fast. And if you can’t read certain books or watch certain movies — even movies as good and wholesome as Captain America — without being tempted to draw unfavorable comparisons between the hero and your husband, then no, I don’t think you should watch them.

      As for coming home covered in cat urine to a husband who’s ready for action, of course you are entitled to say, “No, not now.” But a better answer might be, “I’ll need to take a bath first. Do you want to run the water?”

  12. anneisfree

    Puke. Puke on this [expletive deleted] and on your submission to the misogynistic crazy fairy tales you’ve based your life and self-worth on. Read something (ANYTHING!) on feminism. Learn how to respect yourself, and then you can respect someone else.

    1. Jennifer Flanders Post author

      Respect yourself, and then you can respect others… as you’ve so eloquently demonstrated in this comment, eh? Incidentally, Anne, I have read several books on feminism. My favorite is WHAT OUR MOTHERS DIDN’T TELL US: Why Happiness Eludes the Modern Woman, which I would highly recommend to any of the self-professed feminists commenting on this blog (particularly those whose angry tone suggests that happiness, perhaps, has eluded them).

  13. Lisa

    Wow. Why didnt you just say “be a doormat” or “be a stepford wife” you could have saved a lot of energy and gotten the same idea across.

  14. Domi

    I am reading these comments and getting very sad. I am a born again Christian and believe in the many good things in this article, so many people are tearing these things down as sexist when really, it is just common sense. No you don’t want to be a doormat for a wretched, horrible husband, (God doesn’t want that for us either) but when you have a husband who is trying hard to be good to you and his family, these would be nice to do. Husbands thrive on respect, many of them will naturally reciprocate. And remember, this is a list for the wives, the wives! Of course the husband should respect you too, but that is not who we are talking about here, we are talking about our attitudes, which, at the end of the day when we stand before God is what we are going to answer for.

  15. Asha

    I’m failing to understand why being born with a penis qualifies you to ‘lead’ over a person born with a uterus. My uterus didn’t come with small print saying ‘I must cook and clean for my husband because he his is a man’. I do this things because I want to, and he does them too. We share our tasks, which strikes me as far more respectful than pandering after someone. Love and respect are mutual, as is the housework and the income earning.

  16. Richard

    I’ve read some of these comments.Im a guy and I am husband and father.That “Fem Nazi” was just a wee bit out in left field.I hope that I don’t know personally anyone in my circle of friends.That consider themselves past,present or future “Fem Nazi”wow!I have read these verses in Phillipians and Corinthians.I personally don’t ask of my wife to be all of that that is commanded.I just want harmony with my wife and me.I don’t ask for “sex on demand”.i do want intimacy from here.Whereby we come together as one in the flesh to express our internal love and warmth for each other.Id like to have it more often.i do not complain if intimacy takes a while to heat up.I never married a Mrs.Cleaver(leave it to beaver)so I don’t expect the house to be perfect and don’t want her to get my slippers and tobacco pipe.I actually prefer things to be natural most of the time.If the house is messed up a little.So what.I know I’ll either help pick up some things or clean the house myself.Or if my wife wants me to leave it alone.That she will do it.Great.I don’t want to be or thrust upon her any more hardships.Than we already have in living in this life.Its a matter of Peace and Harmony within our house and in our lives together.If you or the other doesn’t have that.People can easily see what you and her or vice versa are about.

    1. Kate

      I’m assuming you’re referring to me as the Feminist Nazi. It’s pretty awesome that you, who claim to be Christian, are the one to first resort to name-calling. This truly shows that you’re an intelligent person, along with the way you constructed your post. I’m only arguing that men and women deserve the same things in life, including the same respect. There is nothing nazi-esque about this. I’m saying that I know that when I get a job, even with the doctoral degree I’m working toward, I’m going to be paid far less than a man with the exact same job as me, even though I may or may not do more work than him. I don’t think that’s fair, when I’ve gone through the same training as any man who would hold the same job. My rights are under fire as well, mostly by “Christian” men. I’m not heckling you and calling you names for what you think, as you’ve done to me. I’m simply trying to make you understand that the world does not revolve around men, and it shouldn’t. Women need to be respected as well and not told to submit to their husband’s every desire. That’s not fair to us, and I’m certainly sure you wouldn’t suggest that MEN submit to the wishes of their wives.

      1. Amanda

        I’m sad for all the hateful women who clearly have a greater underlying issue. However it makes it worth while to see the other posts from logical men & women who are understanding your message. I’m a pretty headstrong women, which is why some of these 25 struck me so hard. I know I have a lot of work on my part to do to keep my marriage strong and healthy. My husband deserves to be treated these ways. Never while reading this did I ever think that you were suggesting that I be a doormat to my husband. Honestly without assuming that these naysayers have other issues I can’t see how they keep attacking this post. Good job Jennifer!

  17. Richard

    Thank you for those helpful verses.I have been struggling somewhat being a husband.I know I’m not perfect by no means.im a big guy.Sometimes I think that because I am a big guy.That my wife thinks that I don’t have feelings.I have all the love for her in this world.She has to be willing to accept my love.With that being said.i don’t think I over do it on the affection.Maybe this is all in my mind.That she does love me but doesn’t show it as I do for her.i also try not to be arrogant or self centered.I seldom ever hear or get a gesture from her that I do look good since my weight loss.My confidence is waning

  18. nancy

    I have read through all the comments after reading the post and realize how much I needed to be reminded of the biblical truths you shared. I have been married nearly 40 years and wish I could have had faith and understanding of these truths in my early married years. I have no excuse as I always had a bible and was raised in a Christian home. I am happily married and very much in love with my husband, but so often make poor decisions in my remarks and attitudes,which I know is my pride. It takes FAITH to believe that what my Lord said is true will actually bless me! And the blessing of our husband’s love may come today or it may be somewhere in the future. Being honest with God and ourselves is the open door to peace and happiness. My prayer for all women is that we might love and respect our husbands and be blessed with countless years of growing in love together! I promise you young ladies that love deepens and is richer as the years go by-it is worth working on enriching your marriage each day. God knew best when he brought children and family life to us when we are young, even though we may feel so inadequate-He wants us to depend on Him to learn the ways of godliness. It is seldom an easy road, but filled with so much joy, and you will realize it as you look back together.

  19. Kate

    This list is really true and utter bull. As a woman, I believe that I deserve the exact same respect as my partner, and should not be a submissive doormat. Your list only furthers the ideals of female oppression that all women should submit to their husbands and do what they (males) want. I’m not a man-hater, I happen to be in the most wonderful and fulfilling relationship with a loving, caring man, but telling women to “follow the husband’s lead” and that “there can’t be two heads in a family” is unhealthy and demeaning. Women and men alike deserve the same love and respect. I happen to have my master’s degree in child psychology and can honestly tell you that gender norms and patriarchal families are NOT what is best for children and the overall functioning of the family unit by any means. These rigid roles often lead to more family dysfunction and more troubles for the children in their own lives and future marriages. As a woman, I think that you owe it to yourself to stop perpetuating and endorsing these patriarchal stereotypes. A person does not need a religion to act morally and to respect others. A person does not need a religion to be in a loving and caring relationship with another person. Using religion to justify any action is essentially hiding behind a facade. The moral to love others as Jesus Christ instructed would be a good moral to live by, but it seems as though this moral is lost on most “Christians”. As an advocate for religious freedom, I ask you to stop making judgements simply because people don’t believe the same things that you do. It’s fine to worship your God. But if you deserve that freedom and damn everyone who judges you, YOU need to stop judging others. There are few things worse than hypocrites.

    1. Carey

      You only say these things because you don’t understand Christianity and you don’t understand the Christian definition of submission. A) We are not dormats. B) A Christian man is called to LOVE his wife as Christ loves the church. C) We are called to RESPECT our man because love comes natural to us. D) They are called to LOVE us because respect comes natural to them. E) All Christians are called by God to be submissive to one another. This is the behavior that Christ showed. He didn’t come to show us He was King. He came to be our servant and to show us how to love one another. Being a submissive wife in the Chrisitan life does not give the husband power over us. It enables them to lead the home the way that God intended. Our husbands do not tell us what to do, nor do they make all decisions without us. We are a team and God does call all of us to be equal, but He gives definate direction to both the husband and the wife of what their roles in the home are. God doesn’t say that women cannot work, nor does He say that men cannot help raise the children. But God does give specific roles to us towards each other and towards Him. These are not “gender” roles as the world defines them, but as God defines them.

      Unless you have walked a life in the Christian faith and have been trained up in it by good Christian people, you could never understand the meaning of these things. God intentionally called each of us to do the opposite of what comes natural to us so that we will feed each other what we need. When we each give 100% to our spouse, then we are BOTH receiving 100% and we are both getting what we need.

      I don’t care what sort of therapist you are or how many degrees you have. I don’t have any degrees, never got to go to college. That doesn’t make me any less intelligent or articulate than you. But your degrees only teach you the ways of the world, not the ways of the LORD. Just like with anything else, until you study what you want to argue against, you don’t have a leg to stand on. Until you know the opposition of your beliefs, you don’t have the right to put them down. You are putting us down for what we believe when you yourself do not understand these things or truly know what it means, and from your statements, you do not know the LORD or what He expects of us. I pray for your soul and for you to gain understanding. I pray for your salvation and that you will be baptized into Christ.

      If we train our sons to treat their wives with love and our daughters to respect their husbands, long before they are old enough to have one, they will do these things naturally when they grow up. If as mothers, we respect our sons and as fathers we love our daughters, they will know what is right when they are grown because they have received it. You really need to read Jennifer’s husband’s list of 25 ways to love your wife. Maybe then you would begin to understand that this is in fact a two-way street and she is not a doormat. He’s doing exactly what God calls him to do and in no way is she instructing us to become doormats.

      1. Kate

        Carey, I don’t believe that I mentioned ANYTHING about what religion I follow or where I’ve come from, so you have absolutely no right to judge me. I was raised Christian for more than 20 years, and I’ve taken classes about the bible for probably 12 of those years. This all goes back to what I said earlier, and what you clearly did not read. I don’t judge you for following whatever religion you want to. You can worship whoever you want, as long as you aren’t hurting other people and infringing upon their rights, in my opinion. It’s when so called “Christians” stand up and judge me and my choices without being asked for their opinions that I get annoyed. I’ve lived the Christian life and I don’t care for it. You have absolutely no right to judge me, because it’s my choice and not yours. You also have no right to “pray for my salvation” when that was never something that I asked you to do. I live my life by morals, and I have firsthand knowledge that I have helped many people. I volunteer, and I work in a profession where I specifically spend my days helping underprivileged and disadvantaged children and their families. I only mentioned my degrees because I feel that I know the field of science much better than you do, and science provides solid evidence against some of the things this blog post mentions, while Christianity only provides the Bible, which has been written over centuries as well as translated and edited many times. There is really no telling how much of the Bible has been lost and changed since it was written. Even then, the Bible was written long after the birth and death of Jesus. Science has also proven time and time again that eyewitness accounts are often false. With so much time between when Jesus was alive and when the Bible was written, do you really think that everything in it is correct? People who think they remember one thing are often quite incorrect, even if they WITNESSED it. This has been shown in studies of people who witnessed a crime, and in every study, most of the people could not properly identify the assailant or correctly recall details. Anyway, I don’t need to live by a religion to be a decent human being. Everyone deserves love and happiness, and following one religion does not mean that you are more entitled than anyone else. I believe that when you realize this, then you are able to think freely and logically without your religion governing everything you do and simply live morally and conscientiously.

  20. Rae

    I whole heartedly agree with this blog & I am a 26 year old woman with Christ as the center of my life. I am going to school for a master’s degree, and have a lot of other things that I could use to say “independant woman”. However, this is the way God set up relationships to work. It is very interesting to me to read women saying this makes a woman a doormat. I beleive that God is the center of all things and should be the focus. Countless ways throughout the bible, God instructs MEN to be the leaders, leaders in church, leaders in homes, etc. the man is the leader of the home, and the man also finds a wife. If the man is doing all that he can to be a Christian God fearing man then the marriage should balance out if the woman is being the Christian woman God describes her to be in Proverbs 31. How many women in today’s world are Proverbs 31 women or are striving to be like that?
    For me being this way in a marriage would not make me any less of a woman. I beleive God will put me with a man who is chist centered and can balance me out. When we let God control our lives and submit to him he does wonderful things. When we try to control our lives and relationships with pride manipulation anger etc we give power to the devil and the world. Maybe thats why so many marriages end up in divorce.

  21. Samantha

    This is the most horribly sexist drivel I’ve ever heard from another woman. I’m willing to bet you’re one of those people that shouts about how horribly oppressed Muslim women are. Please, please realize that simply by saying things like this you’re doing the exact same thing. Oppression takes many forms, and this is a prime example of that. A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect. Don’t tell a woman that she she give in to her husband’s sexual advances simply because he’s in the mood. That’s not a whole lot better than rape.

    And before you write me off as a man hating feminist (I am a feminist, don’t get me wrong), I happen to love and respect men, I just almost happen to love and respect myself. I also expect any man I’m in a relationship to respect me as much as I respect him, and I doubt you’re getting a whole bunch of real respect from your husband. You’re allowing your life to be controlled by a man. That’s not freedom, that’s not love. That’s Stockholm Syndrome.

    1. Jennifer Flanders Post author

      Stockholm Syndrome? Samantha, you really do not know what you are talking about. Your comments would be laughable if it weren’t for the fact that you believe them so blindly. My husband has not kidnapped or brainwashed me. I was of the conviction that a wife should respect her husband long before I ever met or married him, which explains why I was careful to marry a man who shared my values and would thus make the task easy. The 25 things I’ve written about in this article are not things that he demands from me, but are things that I willingly and cheerfully do for him because I do respect him and want to communicate that respect clearly. And you are wrong. This IS love, it IS freedom, and it is an infinitely better way to ensure mutual respect than the tit-for-tat “I’m not doing any of this for you until you do it all for me” method so many women have proposed in their comments.

      1. Lil

        You’re probably the most moronic human being I have ever come across on the internet. Your life is tragic.

  22. McCrotchity

    I like and agree with most of these. The whole dress to please your spouse thing is a tricky one.

    First, my husband tells me all the time that he thinks I look best in some old jeans/ sweats and a t-shirt, without make up. I’ve met many men who don’t care for make up & goofy fashion trends nearly as much as a lot of women believe they do. Blindly following advice without seeking out what pleases another doesn’t really help much. I’m pretty sure my marriage would be much worse off if I began spending our money on clothes, make up, and salon treatments without taking into account that my husband doesn’t care for that stuff.

    However, I my main objection when women speak about how important it is to ‘dress up’ for their spouses is Proverbs 31:30 and 1 Peter 3:3-4. Certainly, I do not think there is anything wrong with getting dressed up for our spouses. However, I believe focusing on outwardly appearances in a marriage makes us succumb to wordly influences. As wives, we are the biggest assets to our husbands by our commitment to Christ and not by our looks or carnal capabilities. To me, those are things of the flesh! We benefit our husbands more by reading our Bibles, praying for our families, and studying to be loving, patient and kind than we do by dressing up and having sex on command.

    I also think 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 is often times is misused by men to assert that they should get to have sex whenever and where they please. While I don’t think this is what you are saying here, I do believe that this is wrong. The scripture says not to deprive each other. Deprivation is not, in my opinion, saying you are not in the mood when you truly are not. Deprivation would be a lack of intimacy for a long term. The period of time is probably different for each couple, and again, blanket advice cannot address this issue. It’s something that needs to be taken into context of individual marriages and the needs of those individuals.

    Personally, and perhaps I am wrong on this, I have always read 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 to mean that you shouldn’t deprive your spouse out of spite or neglect. If you never have the desire to have sex with your spouse, there is probably another underlying issue that should first be addressed.

    So, in all, yes, this is a great list. However, ladies, you must be willing to communicate with God and your husband for guidance first!

    1. McCrotchity

      By the way, when I say “long term” In our marriage, that’s a week or longer. But again, that may be different for different couples. My husband (though he would readily accpet sex at any point in time!) does not feel neglected if we go a week without it. I just felt I should put that out there if anyone reads my comment and wonders what I meant by that.

  23. nmgriera

    I agree with these comments to a point. To the point that a husband should take up the same rules to follow and honor his wife. It is then that you both will find a sense of peace known less and less in marriage. I am a full time working mom who IS the bread winner my husband and I are not perfect, however I truly do believe if used by both these statements above work. (Men have to slightly tweak their’s to “fit” the female Psyche). The biggest key in successful marriages is you BOTH must be willing to keep trying and working at it.

    Good luck!

  24. Lise

    Jennifer, thank you so much for posting these 25 tips/ reminders. I am married 5 years now and can painfully remember times when I was not repectful to my husband. I am blessed with a wonderful godly man and I am so grateful that he just kept on loving me in spite of me..
    Ladies.. be humble and take these points to heart. If you will.. you will not only grow in great favor with your man.. but with God as well. And believe me.. you want to have His favor.

  25. tami

    This sounds hard and old fashioned when the wife works full-time and still carries the load of children and housework and the husband does not fully carry his load at home. He wants to be like this but he works and plays and does not Give wife much time or respect unless she does what he wants

  26. Sheri

    I think this is right on the money! Maybe if more women would actually adhere to the most perfect fundamentals given to us by our God, marriage would actually prevail over all these needless divorces. I’ve have an amazing marriage going on 24 years, can honestly say I adhere to the principles above and could not be happier. I have two adult children who have seen a Godly marriage modeled before then and thank God they want nothing less for themselves! God is all knowing and we should seek after his perfect will and plan for our lives and let go of our own selfish goals and desires. Love your husbands ladies as God commands us to do. God is faithful and good…ALL the time!

  27. Therese

    This is a fabulous list of recommendations detailing how to treat any HUMAN BEING with respect. The fact that is composed categorically for husbands/males is evidence of the lack of RESPECT for women (scripturally). Religions have formatively taught women to deny their souls of their need for respect (see list). We don’t need two lists ladies…(like by her flowers for no reason at all…la, la, la). Respect is a necessary foundation for true love which many human beings never experience, married or not.

  28. Pingback: When You’ve Lost Respect for Your Husband… & a Marital Oneness Monday Link Up!

  29. Karin

    AmyAnn – yes. You said I was trying to say and was botching it up. A Christian woman is called to faithfully serve her neighbors, that is her husband and children, through her vocation of wife and mother. OF course any Christian is called to do serve her neighbor, love her neighbor of any sort in a way which does not break the commandments but loves the neighbor. Whining and complaining is not okay in any relationship. Bearing false witness, speaking poorly about any neighbor is just not okay. There is no exception. When we know in our hearts we have broken commandments we need to repent of those sins and ask forgiveness.

  30. Mrs. Wilson

    Who wrote this???? I followed this “guidelines” and wow, was I ever treated like a doormat. The husband is to love his wife like Christ loves the church and would do anything for her. Period! I’m not talking about, “baby I want a 4 bedroom house we can’t afford, or a Mercedes we can’t afford”, I’m talking about placing his wife and her needs not wants above his own. Articles like these make women believe it is up to them to make a happy marriage and if her husband isn’t happy, then she needs to do whatever it takes, even if that means her self worth and happiness, to make her husband happy. I am married and by following these guidlelines, I have become more depressed, guilty, felt unworthy of love and not good enough. My self esteem is shattered. So let’s not forget that Men are commanded to LOVE YOUR WIFE AS CHRIST LOVES THE CHURCH. Start there and pieces would fall into place.

  31. AmyAnn

    I have to add…(and again, a long response, sorry) I went back and read all of the posts…the women who think these are ridiculous suggestions are probably non-practicing Christians, non-believers or selfish (all the me, me, me…what do ‘ I ‘ get out of this, what about ‘my’ needs)! You are missing the point ladies…the point is NOT getting ANYTHING from this except God’s favor!!! The response about ‘I’m not gonna kiss him if I don’t feel like it just to please him’…THAT’S THE POINT…to PLEASE HIM so that you can glorify God with your actions!! MAKE yourself have a good attitude about it! Talk to your husband about his needs! And the sex thing…if you don’t want it but hubby does, you’re gonna say NO?? Ladies, let your husbands ROMANCE YOU!! Look, (and, I’m not trying to be gross or anything) but my husband does the weeny shake at me and then raises his eyebrows with that ‘you want some?’ look…I know you’ve all seen that! lol One night, I just wasn’t in the mood and the weeny shake wasn’t helping to turn me on!…but, here’s where communication comes in (yes, you can speak up!) I told him, ‘look honey, I love you, and I absolutely LOVE making love with you… but the weeny shake just doesn’t do it for me, you are gonna have to do better than that! I don’t care if you have to google ‘how to romance my wife’ but you gotta do better!’ He said, ok, and came and sat beside me on the couch for the rest of the evening. (I’m assuming because he had to think about what to do, because some husbands just aren’t good in the romancing area). BUT, Guess what? Next night, AMAZING! He did candles around the bathtub and made a bubble bath for me, had candles around the room, music playing, it was GREAT!! I wasn’t rude, I just told him in a loving way… what he could do… to help me… to please him! No man once to be intimate with a wife that isn’t interested! And I did get something out of it..and it was AWESOME!! And, this ’empowering women’ movement that’s been going on for, like, several decades…that is SOCIETY…NOT GOD! Men and women are NOT equals! God gives authority TO OUR HUSBANDS over us (to an extent)! STOP watching Oprah and reading those magazines that teach equality among the sexes!! Get your advice from God and not from the world! The world LIES! The bible clearly states that women have their roles and men have theirs! Yes, it is ok to work outside the home, yes, it is even ok to be the breadwinner! But DO NOT tout around like a peacock if you are the breadwinner, it’s prideful, that is a sin… and certainly don’t rub it in your husband’s face or state that ‘it’s MY money and I can spend it how I want to’ when he tells you not to buy something because it isn’t in the budget or he doesn’t feel your family needs it!! It’s emasculating to him and that doesn’t help your husband, it shows disrespect and is unfavorable to God! No man wants to be with a woman that doesn’t make him FEEL like a man! I don’t understand the women that are making it out to be about THEIR needs and desires when your job is to meet your HUSBAND’S needs and desires because God instructs you to do so! When my son got married, I told him…’Your wife comes before ANY OTHER relationship!! End of story! His younger brothers were always complaining to us that he doesn’t call as much or they don’t see him as much, and I explained to them that his wife comes first and that their’s should also!! Before a man even marries a women he should be sure he loves her (and of course, she should love him)! Divorce is not an option, and many women (and men) see it as an ‘easy way out’ of an unhappy relationship, when all they had to do was submit and commit to each other and let God lead their marriage. Look, my husband was a drug user, alcoholic and a big pot smoker! He did it behind my back and lied to me about it for YEARS!! Made promise after promise after promise that he would quit or that he had already quit..He wasn’t the abusive kind, I thank God for that, but it was out of control none the less! On the subject of protecting your husband’s honor and name…my husband would be high sometimes when we would go out to friends’/families’ houses…and they would ask what was wrong, why he was falling asleep at the table, or whatever…I would just tell them that the ‘medication’ he is on (for whatever injury) has some adverse effects! I wasn’t going to embarrass my husband by saying ‘he is high as a kite and he’s a drug addict and he won’t quit, and he lies, blah, blah’..besides, it was embarrassing for me enough as it was, I certainly wasn’t going to announce it to the ‘world’, that would have released a load of gossip…none good! When he finally went to rehab, the counselors told me that by not telling anyone what was going on that I was ‘enabling’ him and that’s why he continued because I wasn’t holding him accountable! Really? Well, for one, it IS NOT my job to hold him accountable for his actions…it’s GOD’S! Second, I told the counselor that I had a conflict because what they were asking me to do ‘as his wife’ and what God asks me to do as his wife are totally different! Guess what, I followed God’s teachings and we haven’t had a drug/alcohol problem for over 10 years! He regularly attends his AA meetings and we found a Christian counseling group that taught us how to handle this type of situation. It took an ENORMOUS effort on my part to get through this time in our lives, BUT, God was there for US! And with patience, love and kindness, we got through it! I invested so much time in him to get him on the right path, and he was and still is worth EVERY SECOND! Women in some groups have told me, ‘I would have left him’…well, I am a Christian wife and we don’t bolt at times when our husbands NEED US THE MOST!!! And many women (and men, do)! I still have 2 sons at home, and I talk to them all of the time about dating, guarding their hearts and leading their hearts (as opposed to following it) because the heart often lies! They know, from the bible’s teachings, what a Godly wife is, and I teach them that the relationship they have with their wife comes only second to their relationship with God! Society has screwed up women’s way of thinking! It has to always be about them and what they want and how they can RISE UP in the workplace! (yes, there are just as many men that are like that too, but as this post is about the WIVES and not the husbands, that is what’s being addressed!) If someone tells you…’as a wife you are expected to do this’…and you say..’well, what about my husband, what does he have to do?,,,why isn’t he being held accountable?’…Ladies, this isn’t about what your husband is suppose to be doing, it’s about what YOU are suppose to be doing! Worry more about yourself and less about your husband (let God worry about him) and you will see a change in yourself and your husband! It is sad to read the men’s responses about how their wives do not give them the respect, love, care and commitment that is expected, I will definitely be praying for you men that God speaks to your wives, so that they may understand how precious their husbands are!! And it is awful to see how many women just DON’T want to do the things on the list because they won’t get anything out of it!! Seriously?? That is SELFISH! I will pray for you that God speaks loudly and clearly to your hearts so that you can understand His reasoning behind his teachings! We all ‘want’ things, but the point of a Godly wife (or a Christian for that matter), is to ALWAYS put yourself LAST! You will be blessed for selfless, kind, genuine, anonymous acts of love!

    1. Becky

      Whew! Thank you AmyAnn for that post. You couldn’t be more right! I think the idea that life isn’t about us can be hard for people to accept at first, but it’s so true! Marriage shouldn’t be solely to satisfy ourselves and bring us happiness. Sure, those things come with it, but that’s not the purpose! I pray that we as women will get off of this “feminism” train that society is trying to promote and board the “feminism” train that God drives. Reading this article and the comments supporting it makes me feel thankful that there are still women actively seeking to become the wives God has called us to be. 🙂

  32. Wallhanging Patterns

    It is true that you should communicate utter respect to your husband because he is the man you are going to spend your entire life with, someone who loves you and will always be at your side. Thank you so much for the tips.

  33. AmyAnn

    First of all, I want to apologize in advance for this LONG response… 😀 second, this is great advice…for CHRISTIAN women…all the women complaining about how they don’t want to be a door mat, or be taken advantage of, why should I do for him when he doesn’t do for me, blah, blah, blah…if you are not a TRUE Christian, then yes, this probably sounds ridiculous! HOWEVER, for Christian wives, the bible has a specific set of standards set up when it comes to being a Godly wife! The first one is, you respect your husband’s POSITION as the head of the household, even if your HUSBAND doesn’t deserve your respect, his position over the household does deserve it, as God has given our husbands authority over us (not 100%, as God is the only one with 100% authority over us)! The only time you do not listen to your husband is if he asks you to sin. Your job, as a wife, is to be obedient, serving, loving, etc., because God expects that of YOU! If you are confused, read Ephesians 5:22-32, it will explain! The respect you show for your husband is NOT for HIM…it is for YOU! God expects it of YOU! Your husband has to answer to God for HIS actions, good or bad! I say again, your HUSBAND has to ANSWER TO GOD for his actions!! What will you have to answer to? What will you tell God when he questions you about respecting your husband’s authority? About how you loved him or showed love for him? About what you did to/with the husband that He gave you? God has entrusted YOUR HUSBAND TO YOU! It is your job, as a wife, to live up to those expectations! Yes, it is hard sometimes (or most of the time), but so is forgiveness, humility, humbleness, patience (especially if you have children), etc. All of these things are lessons that God teaches us, wives! NO WIFE on here can post that they are a TRUE Christian if they are NOT following God’s word to the letter!! His word is absolute, His expectations are clearly laid out in the Bible, you can not call yourself a Christian if you are just picking and choosing the things in the Bible that YOU want to do or follow! It’s all or none! And the one thing that the Bible clearly states for wives is that the husband is head of the household and you are to submit to him. That DOES NOT mean that if you are in an abusive relationship (either physically or emotionally) that you should just sit there and take it! You CAN leave! But then, you will need to pray or seek spiritual advice or counseling to get you through the next step! God certainly does not condone abuse in a marriage and there are always exceptions and a Christian counselor or minister, priest, whatever, can help you through whatever it is your needs are. But for the rest of us wives who have ‘normal’ marriages, (those that aren’t abusive but maybe you feel you aren’t getting what you need from your husband) the bottom line is, your job as a wife is to follow God’s instructions on how to be a Godly wife…your husband has to do his part on his own! Yes, marriage is a partnership, and no, it’s no fun if you are doing all the work, but, you should be worried about YOUR actions and behavior and how they will glorify God, and worry less about your husbands actions!! When it comes down to it, at least you will have faith in knowing that YOU will be in God’s favor, and that is more important than any gripe or complaint about some stupid thing your husband did or didn’t do (and yes, sometimes they do alot of those)!! But, your husband’s actions/behaviors will not matter to God when it comes to YOU, it will only matter what YOUR thoughts and actions were to the particular situation! (Remember, your husband has to answer to God for HIS own actions/behaviors) Ladies, do this for yourselves, we all deserve to be Glorified by God. (ps…I have been married for 23 years, yes, to the same man, we have children and grandchildren…I am not a ‘God Freak’ but I am [constantly working on my duties as] a Christian wife! It isn’t always sunshine and rainbows but you have to take the bad with the good!) Please take the time and learn what is expected of you and follow through..for most of you…you will be surprised at your husband’s response to your change. DON’T try to force God’s expectation of husbands ON your husband (especially, if he is a non-believer), but don’t be surprised, that if, say, he catches you reading about how to become a better wife, and when he asks what you are doing, you simply tell him the truth! “I am trying to learn how to be a more Godly wife to you!” He may blow you off, but that isn’t important, it’s important for you to continue Glorifying God! But then again, your husband, just might surprise you! What have you got to lose (other than God’s favor)??

  34. Alicia

    I have never replied on a blog before, but I saw this on pinterest and it caught my eye. I was a little upset by a few of the comments here and feel the need to help with the miscommunication. I have been married for almost 7 months (with my husband a total of 6 years), but I do agree with the writer’s 25 points. However, I take it as being two-sided as well. I went to a marriage class that my church was doing and all of these points (and attached scriptures) were addressed to BOTH of us. For example, making meals is not one sided. I try to make his favorites and in return he tries his hardest to make me mine. Every single point that was written here he and I try to do for each other and together. This certainly isn’t directed strictly towards woman (although the title is misleading). My husband always tells me that I am the most independent woman he’s known. I currently am the “bread-winner” being a pharmacist (ironically also homeschooled my whole life and graduated high school at 15), but also do the household chores and cooking because he is in graduate school. I hardly feel like I am his doormat. He is a Godly man who treats me like a princess. I just feel like the title was misleading and maybe should have read “25 Ways to Communicate Respect to your Spouse” because all those points truly are for us all.

    1. Jennifer Flanders Post author

      I agree that most of these points should go both ways, Alicia, and I am glad that you are married to a man who obviously understands and acts on that fact. Unfortunately, there are many wives who have decided they are NOT going to do any of this stuff for their husbands until their husbands do the same things for them. For those who are married to men who are just as stubborn as they are, they’ll be waiting a long time. Somebody has to make the first move.

  35. Brett Jones


    As a married man I have to agree with the original post and quite a few of the previous responses. I know that this list of ways to show your husband respect and love sounds like you may be his foot stool especially if you don’t get it in return. I have been married for 18 months and it has been the most difficult 18 months of my entire life!! I often wish that my wife would do these things for me. Some of them more than others. I even put a list of ways my wife could show me love and respect together for (at her request) and a lot of these things were on that list. I don’t think she even gave it a second look. I asked her for the same in return so that I could love and respect her in ways that would impact her heart but she never gave it to me. This is very disheartening. So now I am in the position to love her as Christ loves the church without getting what I desire in return. And I tend to mess that up a lot!! Which doesn’t help her want to respect me. I think that the idea of helping each other by giving a list of ways you will receive love and respect is a great idea, that way your not guessing or swinging in the dark. But it does take two to make things work. The hard part is enduring through if your spouse is not willing to work with you. I have found myself not feeling love for her because I don’t feel like she is in love with who I am. That may sound shallow but I feel invaluable to her. Like I don’t bring anything positive to her life. That is not how marriage should be. Marriage should be beautiful. I know if my wife would do some of these things it could start our fire again. But I don’t want her to do it because she is told this is what she needs to do to be a good wife. I want her to do it because she loves me. These 25 ways to show your husband respect and love are great points. But they are not a list of demands. And it is not a guaranteed fix for a relationship. But I don’t know how I could not be madly in love with my wife is she made it a point to try and do these things for me. I know my personal motivation is to put my wife before myself even if I don’t agree with her. The bible says we are to submit to one another, and to stay away from quarrels. I hope this post helps someone see it from a male perspective. Remember this isn’t a list of demands.

  36. Carol J. Alexander

    I tried to find a contact link to ask you this privately, but can you tell me where you found the quote from Ruth Graham. I’d like to use it in an article I’m writing. “tell your mate the positive, and tell God the negative”

  37. Jazzmin

    Excellent post. When I stop focusing on what my husband needed to change and look at my bad areas it made a world of difference. This post has nothing to do when men, it has everything to go with us as women. We have to let go of pride and follow the word even if others don’t agree. I do this to show my love to Christ, my first love. And to help my second love, my husband. Keep the wonderful work up !!!!!

    1. Sekou Rubadiri

      Amen, and amen! If more of the naysayers focused on the issue in this manner, they’d understand what’s being communicated and ‘get it!’ It’s not about subservience and dominance, it’s about drawing out the natural God-given instincts in a man to SERVE when he is respected! A good-willed man shown respect JUMPS up to serve and show love and affection in response! Well written in the book, and more than that…….the truth! It will blow your mind how quickly a man will ‘love’ his wife (in every way imaginable, and desire to do so)! And I am a man writing this!

  38. Mariela

    The word of God teaches women to obey their husbands; however, it also teaches men to treat their wives as a fragil vessel and to love them as they love themselves and as Christ Loves His Church. In Proverbs we get an explanation of a virtuous woman and she does not sound like a doormat but more like a strong pillar of a home. You love and serve and respect your husband as you would do yourself or others. It’s is not set on stone that we have to be doormats to them. If I have a great man he will do the same in return. If you married a not so good man well of course you cannot be under his feet. In that case there is no trying. The sad part and I’ve seen it over and over again is that some men take the scriptures and twist it to abuse their wives and mistreat them. That’s not right and no woman should allow that but that’s a different story.
    This post is not so bad and I don’t think is meant offend women’s dignity if you see the big picture. If we don’t wanna be this way to the man we love than why marry him or why live with him.
    In my case I have a man that treats me like a queen and tested and proved if I disrespect him he will lash back and it’s just human nature just as if he disrespects me I’m going to fight back.
    The key word here is ‘BALANCE’! And trust in God because He did not make mistakes when He gave us His word!

  39. Chelsea

    I believe this is a wonderful list of things to demonstrate to your husband (as well as values to keep near your heart), however, I have some conflicting feelings as well. I do not believe as women we should submit physically to our husbands against our wishes/desires. Men are very interested in the physical aspects of marriage and do sometimes need our guidance to keep that desire in check! We do have other things we need to accomplish at times!I I also don’t feel the husband should always be the decision maker. What if his decision is morally wrong? My husband has been in jail twice this year, and if I had followed him I would have been there too leaving no one to care for our 2 year old son. So far I have taken the lead as the final decision maker because he has proved he isn’t capable of the job….not because I wanted to. I would love a response(s) from some like minded individuals who might be able to shed some light on my concerns or offer some new insights.

  40. Mandy

    Our world is changing daily, last I looked woman could still be elected president. It’s an equal respect for each other. My husband and I have that for each other. We are both professionals, working full-time careers, and raising our children TOGETHER!

    1. Lise

      I do not agree. The woman was created as the man’s helper. If you are ALSO working fulltime in an enormous career, can you really help him and the children in the way you should? I am also highly qualified but decided to put my career on hold. Not forever, but when our children are small. Be honest with yourself. Someone else is raising your children. I believe if women would know their place, marriages and children in our ‘changing days’ will not be in the state they are.

    2. anonymous

      last I looked woman could still be elected president

      Women have been eligible to be elected president, since 1788 when the Constitution ratified. The Constitution limits the presidency by age, citizenship, and residency, but not by sex.

      It’s true that women in most states did not get the VOTE until the Republicans passed the 19th amendment in 1920. But voting is different from running for, or holding office. There has NEVER been a Constitutional limitation on women running for President, or Congress either.

      The first woman to run for Congress — unsuccessfully, but lawfully — was the Republican antislavery activist Elizabeth Cady Stanton of New York, in 1866. Though she could not legally vote, she could legally run.

      So, in theory, we could have had a woman President long ago.

  41. Jean

    I apologize ahead of time if I offend anyone, I don’t mean to. But, it really makes me sad, the way, we, in this country and probably some other countries, tell women to behave. We don’t need to have 25 items. Three to five items would tell what God wants. The other things in the lists were overkill. Are we trying to punish wives for being wives? Are we trying to overwhelm wives? It’s almost not worth it for a Christian female to get married, if we are going to overload her this way. Where is her time for her baby and bigger children. You all have her so foused on her husband that she will need to hire someone to do all the other things that a woman has to do. How can a wife follow a man to the door to kiss him, when she is breastfeeding the newborn or getting the children fed for school, or if she is the one going to work and he is off for the day, is he to follow her to the door?
    . I want all discouraged wives who read this, to know that, Satan works to discourage women, and that one way he works, is by allowing people to create unfair lists that are human made doctrines. God doesn’t tell us all these things in the Bible, like walking a man to the door to kiss him. Women who are God fearing and wise know that there is a movement to always blame and scold the wife. The movement wants to overwhelm and stress the woman who already has the world on her shoulders, dealing with female issues from puberty to menopause. We must be realistic with these lists. For example giving him your undivided attention, when you are holding your child’s head while she is throwing up, or trying to get the baby to latch on to your breasts, or when you are cramping. Only a selfish man would expect for his wife to give him attention at these times. People we must be fair and realistic!
    What we could do is make a list for husband and wife, that talks about the husband being a loving leader of his wife. We already know what God says about husband and wife, let us not stretch the list and add a bunch of husband “worship” stuff. It is not right!!

  42. Karin

    I agree with Raven.. I find it pretty irresponsible to give women the idea that if you do this and that then everything will work well because of what you do. Women and men alike are abused by their spouse and it is grievous and down right unbearable. I totally agree with Raven. I wouldn’t want to be the man as having the responsibility to love and care for their wives is hard as both are sinful, but it is what he is called to do.

  43. Raven

    Although nicely written I have to say a lot of things were taken out of context from the bible. If you read your bible God never had to tell a women to love her husband ever! But God had to remind men several times to love your wife. Women don’t need to be told all that if a women isn’t doing the above things then the responsibility lies on the husband, he isn’t doing something right. A man is the head of a house.

    1. Naomi

      Raven, just to clarify you might should look up Titus 2:4 where God says that younger women are to be taught to love their husbands. Obviously God knew we needed this teaching!!

  44. TJB

    If I show this list to my wife and she refuses to take this GODLY advice and adjust her behavior what should I do? My wife is very confrontational and argumentative. She does not show me appreciation or respect. I went and checked the list for husbands and I fit that list well. I am in a marriage where my needs are not being met. I ignored this for 2+ years, but now that I realize our marriage is not Biblically correct I am very concerned. Divorce is now an option for me.

    The reason why divorce is granted is when either of the parties has a hard heart. If she is not willing to change then I do not think I will have any choice.

    1. Jennifer Flanders Post author

      I think your marriage will fare better and you will find more happiness and satisfaction in it if you will mentally take divorce back off the table and (re)commit yourself to loving your wife for better or worse. Rather than focusing on all the things that you think she should be doing that she is not doing, try focusing on the areas in which you yourself could stand some improvement. Look over my husband’s list, 25 Ways to Show Love to Your Wife, and do those things until they become a habit. Treat your wife with love and compassion and understanding, not because she deserves it, but because that is what God requires of you. Do it as a way to honor Him. He alone can change your wife’s heart, but He may be waiting to do that until you let Him change yours.

  45. GIGI

    what about woman, we don’t need the same respect?, what if we do everything right but they don’t do their part? it’s no so easy being a couple…

    1. Rachel Self

      One thing that is for sure is that if we’re focused on what our husband should or shouldn’t do for us, then we aren’t focused on treating him the way he should be treated. Love him, focus on him. He’ll respond much better to love & respect from us, than from arguing, complaining, & nagging. That’s just common sense. We aren’t responsible for how he treats us. We ARE responsible for how we treat him!

      1. kim

        One of the two greatest commandments Jesus gave his disciples was to love you neighbor as yourself. Our neighbors includes our partner. And the golden rule is to do to / for others what you want them to do to/ for you. Take the lead in showing love and kindness. Love you enemy and pray for them. God’s council is perfect. He knows what we need to be happy and successful because he created us.

  46. Sarah

    This is the most ridiculous thing I have read. What about the things a husband should do for his wife? Pretty much we should all be stepford wives and live by the hand of our spouse? What a load of crock.. If you dont argue with your husband, you dont resolve anything with your husband. Granted, there are some things on here that make sense. Like no cheating, be close with him, etc. my husband is my best friend

  47. Victoria

    Thank you so much for this post. I have realized that I have not been respecting my husband, but unfortunately only after talk of divorce, separation, and a visit to a counselor. As a dedicated Christian, I wonder how I could have been so blind? When we talked about this, he simply said, “That’s just who you are. Everyone knows you tell me what to do, my friends, family, everyone says that my wife controls me.” I’m hoping that as rediscovering how our relationship is supposed to work, we will heal. It’s really sad that I could not even think of how to show him respect, and had to google it. Thank you for writing this.

  48. Tamatha Hughes

    Wow thank you thank you…I will be using this often and the bible verses are a plus for sure…we are newlyweds but been together off and on for 9 years but I want more for our marriage and I know I need a guide to help me achieve this and the bible and your scripture references will help me to be a great wife to my husband….

  49. June

    Jennifer, I am concerned about the top comment, here, regarding Joy. This jerk of an abuser just uses her more. Perhaps she should do all these spiritual things but also state to him what she does not like ( in life ) and what she will not tolerate. Something is off balance here with her relationship. And not your advise…..

  50. Shawn Golden

    Jennifer, I just stumbled upon your blog yesterday and have read thru many of the post, as well as your husbands. Debi Pearl’s book is one of my favorites that I have shared with many friends. I was married at the age of 18 and now at the age of 38 and many life lessons later, I can honestly say that had I been living this way from the beginning that my life would have taken a different turn. I cannot put into words the joy and fullfillment that I get from giving my husband this kind of love and respect. It allows him to love me the way that I desire to be loved and cherished. Thank you for this post.

  51. Joey

    I understand how many women would feel this approach is archaic however, I live by most of these rules and I live a very happy, very fulfilling life with my husband. I am a full-time professional who works outside the house. Our children are out of the house (we’ve been married 22 years) and there’s only the two of us. I’ve actually found him more helpful now that our youngest is moved out. Our marriage is based on mutual respect. I don’t immasculate him and he doesn’t try to suppress me. In public, he is the head of our household but we both know our marriage is equal. I agree it may not work if you don’t truly love and respect each other, though. I have a wonderful husband who didn’t have positive male role models but is the most amazing man I’ve ever met. I know for certain there is no in this world who could love me the way he does.

    Good luck to those of you who try to implement a few changes. You’ll be amazed how much of a reaction you’ll get if you give a simple “thank you” for helping with some type of chore.

  52. Lucille

    I don’t agree with much of this list. Particularly 10, 17 and 25. You should only have sex/hug/kiss whatever if you truly want to, not to please someone else. I certainly do not need to be at the beck and call of my man for his physical desires. Neither should have to perform physically unless they want to. I also think a person should dress how they want to, and if that involves dressing just for their husband so be it. As for the last point, why can’t the wife be the main decision maker? Men aren’t naturally better decision makers because they’re men.

    Overall, this list just feels too 1950s subservience to me. Women and men should both be treated equally with dignity and respect. This list just feels like women only exist to please their husbands, which is not the case.

  53. amtruel

    I am a very happily married woman and I absolutely agree with some of these suggestions. However, what ever happened with the idea of a woman dressing to please herself, of keeping a tidy house because that is the way SHE likes it… I’m all for respecting your husband, because I surely respect mine, but really ladies? And if you can’t complain out loud to your husband then who can you, (other than God of course)? This seems more like bowing down… And as far as #25… in our house we discuss things and then come to a mutual decision… If anything I get the final say… That’s just what works for us. I say do what works for you as a couple and a family and you will have a successful and happy marriage…

  54. Mocheko samuel Ngoasheng

    Yes thanks for the 25 ways to communicate respectfully,unfortunately none of this my wife is doing on me and it pain me thinking that im married the wrong person.she is a bonafied Christian who does not listen to anyone or take anybodys suggestions.

    1. Sindi

      Nice to hear from a man. In africa this is what a woman is taught when getting married, but like all african traditions are being dissed for western philosophy, which is not particularty good for us or pays any respect for the almighty

  55. Ugh

    This will always be my issue with these lists: your husband is supposed to love you, and you’re supposed to respect your husband? Where is the respect coming from your husband? Where is the love for him? We don’t have duties, we’re not coworkers. Marriage needs respect on both sides, and love on both sides. And yeah, if I’m not horny, I’m not going to have sex. So sorry if that offends.

    1. Joey

      I have found what works for me is when I show respect and love, it’s shown and given in return. If you’re the one who’s always waiting for someone to do it first, you may be waiting a long time.

    2. Ambrosia

      One of the reasons for being specific on respect for men and love for women is: Women tend to feel respected when they are loved, men tend to feel loved through being respected. (And my husband and I have learned that there is a difference between sex and intercourse… 😉 Sometimes just the effort on my part to acknowledge his physical need for release truly means the world to him.)

  56. Theresa

    I seriously offend like half of these things, so what do I do to change it? I have no idea where to even begin but I would like to be different so that I can have a peace of mind.

    1. Jennifer Flanders Post author

      If your relationship is such that you can talk openly to your husband about this matter, then let him know that you realize there is a problem and that you are committed to change, have him read the list, ask which areas he thinks you should tackle first, and let him hold you accountable with a gentle reminder when you revert back to your old habits (which will undoubtedly happen until you are able to establish new ones).

      If the communication with husband is not so good now, then prayerfully consider which areas are most in need of improvement, make a checklist of the ones you are going to concentrate on first (maybe just pick two or three at a time for starters), write out a plan as to how you hope to accomplish these, and record your progress each day.

      For things like kissing your husband goodbye, your written plan might read: “Get up before time for him to leave, brush my teeth so my breath is fresh, walk him to the door when he’s ready to go, tell him I hope he has a great day, and plant one on him before he leaves for work.” Once it’s done, you can check that one off for the day, then forget about it until it’s time to do it again tomorrow.

      Do the same for goals like praying for your husband, complimenting him, dressing in clothes and cooking meals he likes, etc. List them in a column on a piece of graph paper, put S M T W T F or write the dates across the top, and check off each one daily just as soon as it is done. Those are the easy ones.

      For things like not arguing or nagging, honoring his wishes, remaining joyful and content, add those goals to your list, too, and do your best, by God’s grace, to establish new habits in areas of struggle, but don’t check any of them off until bedtime, then think back over the day. Did you remain joyful? Check that off and thank God for a day of victory in that area. Did you complain bitterly when your husband did something you didn’t like? Then leave the box by “don’t complain” blank for today, and try to do better tomorrow. Think through the situation that caused you to stumble and map out a plan — in your mind at least, or on paper if possible — of how you should have responded and the precise steps you will take next time you are faced with the same trigger to ensure that you react in the desired way.

      This is the most effective way I know to exchange bad habits for good ones. If you are serious about making radical changes in the way you relate to your husband and you like to read, I would highly recommend the book The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. It is a broad book (not specifically about marriage, but certainly applicable to your situation) that is both fascinating and inspiring. If you aren’t up to reading the 400-page original, you might try The Power of Habit …in 30 Minutes, which is touted as “A Concise Summary of Charles Duhigg’s Bestselling Book.”

    2. Joey

      Start with one you think will be the easiest for you. It’s not always easy but like everything, it’ll soon become a habit and you’ll find you’ve changed. When you revisit the list, you may even find you’ve already started doing something else without even realizing. I don’t have the perfect marriage but I believe it’s as close as many can get. It takes both of us to keep it going but someone always has to be the first to initiate change.

      Good luck!

  57. cee

    Truth be told, marriage is not the most important relationship in your life anyway. Far from it. The relationship you have with your children is the most important. That is where the real responsibility lies. Personally, I think a spouse has more to do with karma than anything else. It’s about lessons. So, in that respect, yes, marriage is important but it is not like the unconditional love you have for your children.

    1. Jennifer Flanders Post author

      Our relationship with our children is enhanced and strengthened when we cultivate a loving, supportive relationship with their father. I do not believe in Karma, but I certainly believe the law of sowing and reaping. We should not be planting seeds of selfishness, bitterness, hatred, and disrespect if we are hoping to harvest a life full of love, respect, happiness, and contentment.

  58. cee

    I think we can be different (which we definitely are!) but still equal. The fact that one is good at something and the other good at something else is proof of equality (IMO). THAT is where there should be a leader and a follower. We all have our God-given talents. When one spouse’s talent is needed then that person should be the leader in that situation. Gender doesn’t apply.

Comments are closed.