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  1. So I have found myself less inclined to be physical with my husband because he seems to require a lot of talking about fantasies involving people outside the marriage. I am really disgusted by his inability to be satisfied with me in person right here right now. I care for myself, I am fit and clean and keep care of how I appear before others so I don’t feel I should be denegrated in my own right. I make a specific effort to honor and adore my husband, ask about his day, clip his toenails, tell him how great I genuinely feel he is. Why can I not feel I am enough to him?

    1. You don’t feel like you are enough to him, because that is the message your husband’s deplorable behavior is sending you, whether he recognizes that fact or not. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It says much more about him than it does about you.

      There is a term for the habitual fantasizing your husband is engaging in: It is sin. There is no other word for it. Jesus makes it clear that to lust after a woman to whom you are not married is tantamount to committing adultery with her. This would be true, even if your husband were keeping his lustful fantasies to himself. The fact he insists on vocalizing them to you is heartbreaking and understandably off-putting.

      If you’ve not already done so, I recommend having a very frank and prayerful discussion with your husband about the matter. Voice your willingness and desire to be close and intimate with him, but also make it clear that you cannot participate in these degrading conversations that are undermining the health and sanctity of your marriage.

      You write that you genuinely feel your husband is great, so he must have other redeeming qualities. Touch on those again when you confront him about this one detrimental habit and implore him to change. Pray that God will give him the desire and the ability to take every thought captive and will turn his heart fully toward his loving wife.

      Continue to do all the good things you’ve been doing — caring for yourself, treating him with affection and honor, and being intimate with him (provided he agrees to cool it with the running lustful commentary). That may still be a far cry from what God intended marital oneness to be, but he will be moving in the right direction. If he is incapable or unwilling to change his ways, find a biblical counselor who can help you work through the problem together.

  2. Love this post, Jennifer! This needs to be said, and you are the perfect person to say it. I love listening to women like you who explain how they got through it….with 12 kids! How do I say this nicely…. Most women would be better off searching for answers from women with successful marriages, than penning letters like they’re martyrs for doing what women have done since time began…caring for their husband, children, and home. If they would spend their time calling on the Lord for help and learning how to excel in the most important role God gave them, they wouldn’t feel self righteous about complaining, they’d instead be ecstatic because their husbands would adore and cherish and praise them! There are so many Godly role models like you saying “This is the way!” But they aren’t searching for answers, they are seeking praise from those who also like to complain about everything they do. I didn’t know these open letters existed, either. It’s sad

    1. Thank you so much for that encouragement, Janine. Those decisions we make in the early days of our marriage have such power to change the trajectory of our lives! I am so grateful for God’s giving such clear direction in His Word, and I marvel over the countless and unforeseen blessings that come as a result of embracing it.

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