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  1. This morning, after a heated argument with my husband, I was searching the Internet for answers on what to do about being married to a man who has a “Dr Jeckle Mr Hyde” personality. After reading about how he could be a narcissist or have a mental health issue, I found this article. While reading it I felt myself relax and found a sense of peace…like being in the eye of a tornado.

    I’ve been married for going on 14 years with this man, who has been both a joy and sorrow to me. I’ve often wondered why God would have brought such a man into my life. I still don’t have an answer, and that’s ok. I know that to love someone is a choice we make. It’s not like in the fairy tales that tell you that life will be full of joyful days when you find the Prince of your life.

    Thank you for giving some very good, and much needed, Godly advice. God bless you!

    1. I’m so glad you’ve found encouragement and a sense of peace here, Dawn. I am sending up prayers for you this morning, that God will give you wisdom and clarity as you search for answers, that He will strengthen your resolve to honor Him in the way you relate to your husband, and that He will grant you more joy and less sorrow in your marriage. ❤️

  2. I have been married 45 years this week. It has not been easy. God never promised that marriage would be happy, and if yours is, that is a huge blessing. After our first 10 years and 4 children my husband started getting weird, and over the last 35 years he’s gotten gradually more and more unkind, demeaning, mocking, critical, angry, etc. and he doesn’t care if he hurts me. He tried to file divorce papers after 25 years of marriage and I refused to sign the paperwork. He treats me poorly and often does not respect or honor me. I don’t believe in divorce unless there is physical abuse involved. I have a sadness that this has happened in our marriage, but just recently came upon the information about Jeckyl and Hyde Personality. It fits him almost perfectly. Now I’m working on how do I approach him carefully with this new discovery. Some days are rather sad for me, but I go through life thankful for each new day and every blessing that The Lord gives me, especially our 9 grandchildren which gives me enormous joy. I really enjoyed reading all the articles and getting different perspectives.

  3. I had typed a long long paragraph and it disappeared. Ugh. My fingers are now swollen from the stress of the Jekyl and Hyde person I live with.

  4. Oh gosh. Jekyll and Hyde characters do exist. They are very destructive and cause so much unhappiness. Do your utmost to rid such persons from your life.

    However, those along the spectrum can get some help and you may get some relief from their character /personality swings and may even be able to continue to communicate and live with such.

    But out and out Jekyll and Hyde characters you must keep out of your life.
    I speak from experience.
    I wish you all much happiness, justice and fulfilment in this life and beyond.

    I have to urge again that Jekyll and Hyde characters do not change. Their brains are wired differently. You will suffer in your wrong belief that they will change in their misogyny [as it is most often men]. I am aware that misandrists also exist.

    Get away from such characters / husbands as they will continue to drain your energy, invent stories and manipulate others close to you and afar to destroy you in every area of your life. Do not blame yourself for their disorder.

    1. Even if their minds ARE wired differently, Jazz, I think it is as wrong to imply that a Jekyll-and-Hyde character is beyond hope as it is to suggest that everything will be rosy if you just watch your step around him. Both extremes are oversimplifications of a complex problem. Certainly it is true a wife has no power to change such a husband. I said that from the outset. And you may be right that such a man hasn’t even the power to change himself. But there IS ONE who can change him — the Lord Jesus Christ. “For with God, nothing shall be impossible.” He delights in taking broken individuals who seem beyond hope and transforming their hearts and lives — and marriages — into something beautiful for His glory.

  5. This article literally brought me to tears. It truly hit home and resonated with me because I’m experiencing this type of situation. I’ve been awake for hours, crying, then started reading my Bible. Just as I thought about praying for wisdom to help me deal with my situation, I immediately came across this article after I completed my scripture reading for the morning. I feel so blessed that the Lord gave me immediate comfort and wisdom through His Word and through your message. I was beginning to feel lost, and my mind and heart was starting to wander in unhealthy directions. I now have a greater sense of hope, and a practical plan of action to put in place. Prayerfully things will improve. God bless you for this life-changing (and marriage saving) message.

    1. I am praying for you right now, Kwajulyn, that God will give you strength to do what you can to improve your marriage, and that he will bring conviction upon your husband so that he, too, will make the changes needed for your relationship together to thrive and be everything God intended it to be.

      1. Me again…. Stunned to read my answer before.

        ABUSE IS NOT ONLY PHYSICAL OR CHEMICAL. You can live in an emotionally, verbally abusive marriage where 1) he never hits you and 2) he doesn’t drink or do any type of drugs. But what he does is suck the soul out of you and leaves you an empty shell, confused over WHY when you tried your very, very best – the marriage never worked.

        Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an official diagnosis and it is VERY subtle. They are personality chameleons. But their mask always slips at home. Please read HOW TO SPOT A DANGEROUS MAN by Dr. Sandra Brown. Relationships with any of the Cluster B Expoitative Personalities (of which Narcissist is one) is called a relationship of INEVITABLE HARM because of the THREE INABILITIES associated with their disorder. 1) They will never grow to any spiritual or emotional depth. Their emotions are as deep as formica. 2) They will never realize the negative impact of their behavior on others. 3) They will never be able to sustain positive chance (even though they can FAKE positive change for 6 months or 2 years – they won’t sustain it.

        So because of the three inabilities (and a lot of research has been done on this) there is NO counseling, NO batterers intervation (and not all of them hit, btw) NO supplements or prescriptions that can help them. Their disorder is lifelong. So you only choice is to STAY and continue to suffer the abuse (And become an accessory to the continued abuse of the children by allowing them to be exposed to him) or leave and build a new life.

        I left. And I am so glad I did.

        Biblically – while I lived with him, I was playing the role of Sapphira – propping up the image that my Ananias was as great as he wanted everybody else to believe he was. And she suffered judgement for her role in that. But when I left, I became Abigail – I saw the damage that was going to be inflicted on our household by my foolish husband, Nabal, and I took steps to save my life and that of my children (figuratively, of course, but perhaps literally as well as the domestic violence was slowly beginning in the last 18 months. Never hitting – but blocking me from leaving when I wanted to leave by grabbing the back of my pants and not letting go. Blocking me in a room and forcing me to listen to his verbal tirade – that type of thing. That’s wrongful imprisonment. But i didn’t know that at the time. And domestic violence ALWAYS increases – always. It may take a decade – but it never abates and disappears.)

        Church leaders are NOT psychological professionals and do not realize when a Cluster B is sitting in their office for counseling. Go to a professional. Go to someone who is familiar with Dr. Sandra Brown’s work (not many therapists are – you have to ask) because Cluster B’s and Narcissists will LOVE to turn the counseling session around on you and say, “See -she has anxiety disorder. She’s a mess. She’s bipolar.” when the truth is HE made you that way!

        My ex said, “We shouldn’t even be here. She’s bipolar” in front of our counselor. I turned to him and said, “If I AM bipolar – then we definitely need to be here. Don’t you want me to get help?” And my counselor had a sharp intake of breath waiting to see what he would say – cuz I caught him. He didn’t want me to get help. He just didn’t want to be held accountable for living like a parasite off of me without contributing financially or emotionally or spiritually or physically to my care or the care of the children in our home.

        ANYWAY – modern Christian advice is the WRONG advice to give a woman in a marriage to a Cluster B. They unknowingly are aiding and abetting an abuser to retain their victims. When a husband or a church uses your faith, devotion, trust and loyalty and twists them into the bars of your own prison – it’s not right. And God is not blessed by continuing to prop of the pretense of a marriage that is harming the souls of the people in that marriage.

        1. I don’t have any experience with the kind of situation you are describing, Christie, which is why I recommended at the beginning of this article that any wife who is dealing with serious addiction or mental health issues should seek the help of a professional.

          1. Thank you, Jennifer, for approving my comment. 🙂 It is hard for someone who has never been in a marriage with a personality disordered spouse to image what it is like. It’s impossible, actually. It took me 15 years of exposure to develop the tools necessary to interact with him. (And that “development” is actually an unhealthy move. You have to become emotionally unhealthy in order to interact with them – they are that damaging).

            But I do, sincerely, appreciate you publishing my comment because it is my hope that someone who is trying to figure out “what in the hell has happened to my marriage and my life …. and to ME” will get the vocabulary needed out of my post to google and discover the mounds of resources and books and testimonies and finally get help. Again – when I commented originally 2 years ago, I was not even thinking of leaving. In fact, it never occurred to me to leave until less than 2 weeks before I actually left. That wasn’t even on the radar. But God has been with me every step of the way. This isn’t the life I wanted. I never married intending to leave, but only after having flushed all of my potential and abilities down the drain… but God is gracious enough to give me another day, another breath, and I am SO thankful to Him for everything, and praise Him in the midst of the storm.

            My life is HIS now – not his (the ex’s). Again, thank you, Jennifer, for allowing my comment to stand. I wish every woman the best in wrestling these questions. They are not easy. May God be glorified in each and every life and decision!

  6. It’s better to be FROM a broken, than to love IN one – in regards to the kids. Ugh! This answer was a load of anti- feminism crap. Match his tone with his, see how the dick-bag likes that!

  7. I married my husband 12 years ago.Little did I know that immediately into the marriage,I would we what I had married.I was brought up with Christian values,he wasn’t.Off and on for 12 years I’ve had to deal with a man who would play house for 2 or 3 days then become bipolar.He’s been wanting a divorce this whole time.He got put on some medicine that makes it tolerable but then he stops taking it for weeks at a time.He went to jail 7 years go for domestic violence.Other episodes have occurred since.Especially one two nights ago.He’s been pushing divorce for the last year and a half.I don’t make the kind of money he does so I can’t afford an attorney.I will probably be homeless because I made the wrong choice by marrying a psycho.There isn’t a lot of protection for women in this scenario.Honestly ,women or men should run from anyone displaying any questionable behaviours like that before marriage.People say why stay? Because it takes money to leave.People don’t get that.

  8. Hi Jennifer,
    Your suggestions might work well for a woman married to an average redeemed sinner. But there are those of us who married abusive men who claim to be Christians, some even in ministry. (like mine.) After over 30 years of employing the kinds of behaviors you suggest, I had to finally refuse to submit and reach out for help. (To submit meant I could not ask for help from anyone–he was too “private.”) If a woman is married to an abusive man, your suggestions will only empower him. So I think you need to be more careful about reading up on this topic and helping women know what to do if they are trapped in an abusive marriage: one in which one partner exerts power and control over the other; whether physical, emotional, spiritual, or financial. Jesus taught and modeled servant leadership, not domination. (Matt. 11:29, Matt. 20:25-28, Matt. 23:11, John 13:14, Phpp.2:5-8, etc.)

    1. You are right in saying my advice will be of little help to women trapped in extreme cases of abuse. That is why I prefaced my remarks with the disclaimer: “If your husband’s mood swings are caused (or made worse) by alcoholism or substance abuse of any kind, or if he is suffering from a psychological disorder like manic/depression or dissociative (split personality) disorder, or if his behavior is putting you or your children in physical danger, then please get some professional help ASAP.” I understand that I am unqualified to address such issues — and I certainly have no personal experience with that kind of behavior — but I believe those cases are the exception rather than the rule. The vast majority of married men I know, both within my own family and in an extremely wide circle of friends, sincerely desire to be good husbands and fathers. That’s not to say they are perfect or immune to the occasional foul mood, but overall they try to do right by their wives and families. We all can be moody, irritable, or impatient at times, but it would serve us well to learn to get along with others in spite of that fact.

  9. I am afraid that you may be setting women up for a lifetime of emotional abuse; desperately trying to fix a situation that isn’t about them, it’s about their husband. Unless and until he decides to get professional help, you’ll be fighting a battle you can’t we in. Just as there are consequences for leaving there are consequences for staying. Both the wife and children pay a price. If you have sons, do you want to show them that this behavior towards the woman they love is ok? Would you recommend to your daughters to accept such treatment? What are you teaching your children by staying? Can you live the rest of your life reacting to someone else’s moods? Should you? Does God love your marriage more than he loves you? Serious questions that must be considered. I speak from 22 years experience. You do have choices. Best to all.

    1. I’m not trying to condemn anybody to a life of abuse, which is why I qualified my response by including that second paragraph. You raise some excellent points, though, regarding the messages we send our children through the way we respond to our spouse. I am blessed to be married to a very faithful, kind, and hardworking husband. Although we love one another dearly, we can both be pretty stubborn and do sometimes butt heads — but I trust that by observing how we work through our differences, our children will learn that it is entirely possible for two imperfect people to have a wonderfully happy and fulfilling marriage.

      1. Jennifer might be slightly naïve. Perhaps a man is an abusive asshole and a woman needs to be fulfilled with her life instead of being an abused subservient. Just sayin…..

  10. Please be on the lookout for an undiagnosed illness. For example, chronic Lyme disease can mimic any and every known psychiatric diagnosis. If he is showing signs of fatigue, such as continually sitting down after work and not getting up to do any help, he may be sitting down because his body aches in every joint and the only way he can keep from snapping at the entire family is to rest. I felt like I lived with dr. Jekyll and mr. Hyde. It’s because my husband has chronic Lyme. Chronic Lyme also flares every 28 days with the full moon. If he is always worse during the full moon you can bet he has Lyme disease. If you suspect Lyme disease then get the documentary called “Under Our Skin” and watch it. Don’t go to a normal doctor, you will waste your money and your time. Find a Lyme literate doctor (LLMD) and get some real help.

    My husband suffered from the symptoms of chronic Lyme disease for 8 years before we knew what it was. I lived with the man and almost left him twice because as far as I knew he was a lazy, mean jerk. Its only by the grace of God we stayed together long enough to find out that there was an illness at the root of this. We are six months into treatment and seeing some real hope. But we are not done yet. We have another 6 months to a year of antibiotics to go until we have this thing beaten into submission. By God’s grace and with God’s help, I’m going to get the man back I married and our children will have the father they have never known!

  11. Wow, great article! I have dealt with this identical situation in my marriage. I love how you advise wives to recognize that they can’t change their husbands but that they may need to be the “defensive driver” in their marriage to prevent a “crash.” God worked in our marriage through prayer. I prayed for 2 years, and finally my husband confessed that his lashing out was the result of a sin that he has since repented of and sought counseling for. What a blessing! In the meantime, I learned how to protect myself while still being submissive. If he was in a foul mood, I wouldn’t ask questions, get emotional, or feed into it. I would simply give him space and let him realize that if he wanted to be nasty that the children and I wouldn’t be around him. I wouldn’t give him the cold shoulder though, as soon as his mood changed I would be smiling and acting like nothing happened. When he became verbally cruel, I would not cry or yell back. I would say, “I am your wife, I love you, and you may not speak to me this way.” He would huff and puff, but slowly he learned that although I would submit to him I would not be his punching bag. I would encourage all wives in this situation to lean on God and look to Christ as your perfect heavenly husband while you love and pray for your imperfectly Earthly husband.

  12. Oh bless you sweet Jennifer. I am so encouraged by everything you ever post, what a gift God has given you with words, wit and wisdom! You are a treasure. God bless 🙂

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