Enough with the Excuses
I don’t know who said it, but it’s true:
“If it’s important to you, you’ll find a way. If it’s not, you’ll find an excuse.”
Lots of wives have become experts at making up excuses to avoid something that’s extremely important to their husband. Don’t be one of them.
Not Tonight, Dear…
I’ve got a headache.
I’m too tired.
I’m having PMS.
I couldn’t think of making love when the house is such a mess.
The baby’s sick.
Your mother called.
I’ve got too much to do.
I think I’d rather cuddle — is that alright with you?
It’s freezing cold.
My back is sore.
I need to wash my hair.
The children have a soccer game, and I’ve no time to spare.
I’ve got to shop —
Our pantry’s bare.
The kids are still awake.
Besides, we had sex yesterday — tonight, I need a break.
Excuses, excuses! Some are valid, some are lame.
In the end, it matters not – the result is still the same.
We’d find a way, if sex were at the top of our to-do’s,
But since it’s not, we wrack our brains to dream up some excuse!
The toilet’s clogged.
It’s hot and muggy.
I’ll be late for work.
Forget it! I’m still mad at you — you know you’ve been a jerk.
My legs need shaving.
I feel fat.
I’m under too much stress.
We’ve barely finished dinner, Dear, let’s let our food digest.
You must be kidding.
I’m upset.
Just wait for Friday night.
The bills are due. We need a budget. Money’s getting tight.
I’ll miss my show.
Go take a shower.
Please don’t think me rude:
Sweetheart, it’s nothing personal — I’m just not in the mood!
Excuses, Excuses, to keep your man at bay—
The devil will supply them if you can’t think what to say.
When wives won’t give their husbands sex, then everybody loses,
But Heaven’s floodgates open when we stop making excuses!
Jennifer, I came across your blog on Pinterest from reading the 50 Life Lessons you had posted. I then wandered all around and clicked on different things on your blog, and I came across this. I just want to say thank you for your wonderful blog. I understand that this poem and possibly other things posted in particular have sparked some different opinions and objectifications. I wanted to share mine with you. You have a gift from God of writing and relating to other women. I realize not everyone is of the Christian faith and chooses to follow God’s many rules or plans. However, you are truly an inspiration for us females who do. I believe there are some parts of the poem that can touch a nerve for some or may be worded a little different, but I think the Bible verse you shared in one comment is where the inspiration for this stemmed. I am a 22 year old female pursuing a Master’s Degree, and I’ve been married about 4 months. I know it’s something to laugh at, because what do I know about marriage right? I may not have many years tucked under my belt, but I go through real experiences too. Even in these few months. In my own personal situation, my husband is ready for sex about every 3 days. There are many times already that I haven’t been necessarily, as you put, “in the mood”. But I had sex with my husband because I love him and want to please him. As I type this, people probably get the mental image of me rolling my eyes, giving a huffy breath, and then laying there as if I’m ready for it to be over. I’m 22 years old, young, healthy, and I enjoy sex. Just not every 3 days. And just like you said, I begin to get in the mood after we begin. My husband is loving, respectful, Godly, hard working, and the best man I have ever known in my eyes. But I don’t just view my husband this way because the Bible ‘said so’. I feel this way because I prayed for my husband before we ever met, and I know he is my soulmate and perfectly matched for me. I have sex with my husband just like he went to the last Harry Potter movie with me in theaters, even though he hadn’t opened 1 Harry Potter book or watched 1 movie. He did it because he knew I loved these books and I prefered it at the time. He knew I was really wanting to watch that movie. It’s the same reason why he takes out the garbage; he knows I despise doing so and he does it to make me happy. It’s the same reason why I cook dinner every night, wash the clothes, clean the dishes, and greet him at home with a kiss and ask about his day. It’s not because I was in the mood to clean the toilet, it’s not because I’m a fantastic cook and it’s my hobby. . It’s because I love my husband and I do these things so we have a clean home and for our happiness. It’s because sometimes, we do put our partner’s needs before our own. It isn’t immoral or crazy to me, or me forgetting my own needs. I’m only addressing this one specific area of marriage, so there’s a much bigger picture here and of my life. I have a loving and God fearing husband who treats me like a princess. This poem is humorous, because there are times when women simply do not feel like having sex. But the point isn’t about forgetting yourself and needs, bowing to your husband, etc. When I read this poem, it made me laugh because I have personally used some of these excuses. The point I think, is the constant use of these excuses to not do your wifely duty. Yes, I said wifely duty. I am a Christian and I believe it is a wife’s duty to please her husband. These are my own personal views, because I believe in God. I understand not everyone does, and I am sure someone will pick apart my comment and share their own opinion. That’s certainly okay. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I am not writing this to point fingers, make fun of anyone’s views, or be sarcastic or sassy. If I have, please accept my sincerest apologies. It was completely unintentional. I wrote this comment to tell you Jennifer, that I am a young wife, sinner, and have a lot to learn. But I really enjoy your blog and enjoyed this poem. Thank you for sharing your gift with others.
Thank you for your encouraging words, Emily. You may have only been married for four months, but you’ve already hit on an important secret to a happy marriage, for putting another ahead of yourself is what love is all about. I pray that you will continue in that vein and enjoy many long and joyous years together with your husband.
I see all the posts about women being willing bit what if the shoe is on the other foot and it is the husband who is uninterested? We have more arguments over sex than anything else. And yes he has been rated etc etc but it just isn’t always there. Where is the help for that and what is their role and responsibility? Are they just expected to roll over and have sex, too?
I think 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 makes it clear that a husband has an obligation to his wife, just as she to him. Never being “in the mood” does not negate that fact.
This is insulting to women everywhere. My body is mine and mine alone, if I don’t feel like having sex, I am within my right as a woman to simply say “no” I should not have to offer excuses to my husband. And for the record, men are grown adults, not children. They can be told no a few times and not throw a fit or go out and cheat. If [a man] is considering cheating because [his wife doesn’t] put out every time his “need” arises, it’s clearly not an issue with the woman, it’s an issue with the pitiful excuse of a husband. If he can’t be a godly man and stick to his vows then he’s not worth the time of day.
Amen!
Absolutely its your right, I don’t think anyone is saying you should be made to be intimate with your husband without your consent or control, however consider if you said to your husband “honey, I really need to talk and connect with you tonight” you would expect him to consider your wishes even if he wasn’t “in the mood” to talk – how happy do you think you would be if he replied with “not tonight”. The need for intamacy and connection shouldn’t be looked over as trivial.
A few times is one thing but over and over and over again is something else entirely… And besides this is about the lame excuses themselves.
Jennifer, Thank you as well for such an even keeled response! How great to have a respectful conversation about a controversial topic!!!
I think your comment is such a better way to explain your point of view than the poem! I’ve read through some of your other posts, including the ones you linked, and I love how you write poetry 🙂 But sometimes I think a poem’s lyrical nature can obscure important specifics about very serious topics — as I think has been made clear by the series of comments on this post.
Not that you are (or should) by any means seeking my acceptance/approval, I find your reply reasoned out and much more sensical. I totally get what you and Essen are trying to express, but I greatly hesitate to generalize that feeling to most women in relationships because it can be so easily abused by male partners. There is scientific research to support that women reach their sexual peak much earlier than men, and that, if women are marrying late in their 20s – 30s they have already crossed over their sexual peak whereas men have just reached it. But I still hold that I don’t want to have sex with The Betrothed unless we are both willing. Despite not waiting for marriage (thank you, Jennifer, for not being vitriolic about that point as well), I treasure the act. I don’t want to have sex when I don’t want to because I know how amazing and beautiful it can be when we’re both in the mood. I don’t want to sacrifice that mutual satisfaction out of obligation. You, Essen, and any other woman can do as she pleases, of course, as long as it is her choice!
I think we also might disagree about the fundamentals of a committed relationship. Sex is clearly a central tenet of your relationship with your husband, and that is awesome! But, to suggest that not having sex with your husband is to force him into drudgery sounds a little extreme. Sex is only one tiny part of the relationship I have with The Betrothed. If he was only, or even mostly, in “it” for the sex, I wouldn’t want him in “it” at all — and he feels the same way. Again, your mileage may vary, just as everyone’s mileage may vary, so perhaps it is premature to encourage all women to model their relationships off your own. Similarly, I don’t understand how not wanting to have sex sometimes tests his resolve. I believe you agree with me that the cheated-on spouse is not to blame, but then you end by saying that not having sex tests his resolve. The next logical sentence to that argument is that testing his resolve could cause him to break his vows by seeking sex outside the marriage, so it becomes the woman’s fault again.
As someone who has been in multiple abusive relationships… your post literally scares me for other women in my situation…. You are more than welcome to have your relationship in your own way. But to suggest that all women go against their own wishes/desires because eventually it will feel good and they have a marital obligation to do so to make life easier for their male spouses can, will, and does cause more harm than good.
I think you have the sexual peak thing backwards, Lyra, but that is irrelevant to my assertion that a wife does, indeed, have an marital obligation to her husband when it comes to physical intimacy. I base my belief not on scientific studies or statistical surveys or anecdotal evidence (although each of these offer overwhelming support of this view), but on the Word of God, which clearly states:
I agree that it takes much more than sex to make a marriage successful, nevertheless, sex still plays an integral part, in that it is virtually impossible to have a one-flesh union without it.
I am not, as you suggest, urging wives to model their marriages off my own; I am merely encouraging them to be obedient to Scripture and compassionate toward their husband. For while I agree that an unfaithful husband is 100% responsible for his wrong choices and deplorable behavior, I also believe that a wife bears 100% responsibility for her own actions/reactions toward the man she married. Neither is an island, and — like it or not — what each spouse does affects the other, for good or for bad. A wife’s chronic disinterest in sex does not justify her husband’s very sinful choice to seek it elsewhere, but it does make him more vulnerable to temptation, just as the verses above warned it would.
I would say that if a woman is “chronically disinterested” in sex with her husband that’s something to be concerned about – a situation like that goes far beyond the occasional “I’m not in the mood this morning, sorry”. If I understand you correctly, you don’t think it is morally reprehensible to say no thanks once in a while, you just feel that it shouldn’t last an extended period of time? (months or years?)
Chronic disinterest speaks to a lack of mental and emotional connection with your spouse, emotional difficulties, stress, depression, hormonal imbalance, or a combination of those factors and others. In that situation I think that it would be wise to seek counseling (as an individual or a couple) and/or have a medical examination done. Simply living with long-term disinterest in sexual intercourse may be an option for some, in which case your grin-and-bear-it approach might be appropriate (as long as the spouse is aware and you are happy), but it is by no means generally a healthy idea to just live like that without examining possible causes and attempting to remedy them if possible. Lack of sexual interest can sometimes even be a symptom of major reproductive system issues (hormonal imbalances brought on by ovarian/uterine abnormalities, for example) so it shouldn’t be ignored lest one risks one’s health.
Also, I notice that you don’t mention your husband’s obligation to pleasure you (as clearly stated in verses 3-4). It’s a two-way street. I feel like the idea that women are passive receivers of sexual attention has so pervaded the Christian subculture that women don’t realize that it’s fabulous to enjoy your body and your husband’s – he has to yield to your sexual desires as much as you do!
Yes, Hilary, I do agree that sex is a two-way street and that a husband has an obligation to his wife just as she has to him. When a husband understands this fact and lives by it (as mine does), he makes it much easier for his wife to be open and responsive to him.
Nevertheless, this post is directed to wives rather than husbands. If both spouses stubbornly refuse to consider the needs of the other until their own needs are met, then the marriage will never flourish. Somebody has to make the first move — why not you?
What do you think about my points concerning sexual disinterest and a deficit in psychological/emotional/physiological health? Do you think that most women who have a lack of sexual interest are just that way because they’re women? Personally I believe that such disfunction is more often a matter of emotional detachment or hormonal issues than just a “woman don’t much like sex in general” thing. Sure, some men may have more active sex drives at certain times in their lives, but so do women. I don’t think it’s fair to assume that a lack of sexual interest is the status quo for the average woman and as such is normal. Your poem leads me to think that you assume that this is a common problem, to be expected in most women’s lives, and is in need of a remedy in the form of tolerance of unwanted sexual advances in the name of a happy husband rather than examination of possible underlying causes.
I’m not speculating as to why women have a weaker sex drive then men, just observing that most do (according to every study I’ve ever read and the testimony of about 98% of women I’ve ever talked to). Certainly any factors that contribute to a woman’s low libido should be addressed, but if it is just a matter of sex occupying a lower place on a wife’s list of priorities than on her husband’s, then adjustments need to be made for his sake and the sake of their marriage. And that starts with a decision to stop making excuses.
There is so so SO much terrifyingly wrong with this poem. I have read through the comments, and I believe *you* believe you are genuinely helping women, Jennifer, so I want to respectfully address this.
That said, your poem and outlook do the opposite! If, as you say, not having marital sex is detrimental to both parties, the why do you place ALL of the onus on the woman? If the toilet’s clogged, I’m certainly going to want to take care of that before having sex with my Betrothed. I’ve tried to have sex (because I wanted to, as well) while I had a headache, and I ended up seeing stars and quite literally vomiting out of pain. I will lose my job if I am late for work. I could go line by line, but I feel my point has been established. Any reason is a legitimate reason to refuse sex… Unless you’re trying to suggest that women don’t know themselves, their own bodies, are incapable of making adult choices, or don’t have the right to say what happens to their bodies once they are married?
Additionally, I echo everything said by Darrin! I do not know your husband, so I cannot speak for him. But as for me and my house, The Betrothed and I do not have sex unless we BOTH are in the mood. He doesn’t want pity or duty sex…. My body is MINE. I control what happens to it. If I don’t want to have sex for no other reason than I just don’t want to, that’s fine with both of us…. Encouraging women to have sex when they don’t want it, don’t feel like it, and it could hurt them to do so is to tell women that marital rape is okay. Telling a male spouse that his wife should give in every time he wants to have sex and she doesn’t is to tell him that marital rape is okay. I honestly don’t think you want to perpetuate rape culture!
The blame for cheating relies solely on the cheater. I know a woman who literally made her husband hot meals three times per day, was sexually available day or night for him, kept herself in immaculate shape, raised two beautiful and moral children, and he STILL cheated on her (and eventually left her). Telling God-fearing women that it is their sole responsibility to keep the demon of infidelity at bay is so horrifying I am having trouble eloquently addressing it.
WOMEN: if your spouse cheats on you, it is NOT your fault. There is NOTHING you could have done differently. It has NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with the moral failings of your spouse. It is NOT your responsibility to keep your spouse from cheating. Your spouse is responsible for remaining faithful to YOU. You have no religious, legal, or social obligation to provide sex at will. Giving up bodily autonomy is NOT part of your marital vows – you ALWAYS have the right to say no.
Thank you, Lyra, for a very thoughtfully written response and for your willingness to discuss a topic about which you have such obviously strong feelings in a cool-headed, courteous, and self-controlled way. I deeply appreciate that and would like to reply to your objections, not because I think I can persuade you to adopt my way of thinking, but to clarify what my thinking on this matter actually is.
First of all, I am NOT saying a wife should never ever ever turn down an opportunity to have sex with her husband. Even in the poem, I admit that “some (excuses) are valid, some are lame.” The point I AM trying to get across is that a wise and loving wife will not make a habit of avoiding sex with the man she married or of perpetually marginalizing how very important it is to most husbands to have a sexually responsive wife.
Both this little poem and my Don’t Waste Your Girl Power post have been generating a lot of discussion of late on several popular feminist websites. Among the comments on one of those sites was this little gem from a girl named Essen:
It sounds like Essen has discovered the same thing I’ve discovered: that you can really and truly enjoy sex with your spouse (no faking necessary), even if you aren’t “in the mood” at the outset. Essen admits that if she waited for the mood to hit BEFORE agreeing to sex, she would only “have sex twice a year” — and she intuitively understands that THAT extreme would not be very good for her marriage.
For women, willingness often precedes desire. This is simply how our brains are wired. Both Essen and I have CHOSEN to recognize and compensate for that fact by responding positively to husbands who are more often in the mood than we are. To suggest that such a choice makes us victims of “marital rape” is preposterous.
Second of all, I agree with you that a cheater is 100% responsible for his own actions. There is NEVER any justification for adultery. When my husband married me, he vowed to stick with me for better or worse, and he is obligated before God to honor that promise by remaining faithful, whether I am enthusiastically accommodating or sexually frigid, whether I treat him with heartfelt respect or utter disdain, whether I am a joy or a terror to live with.
I guess my question is, if I love my husband, why would I want to behave in a way that makes keeping his vows more a drudgery than a delight? Why test his resolve unnecessarily? I want to make it as easy as possible for my husband to remain faithful to me — and I’m grateful to report that he returns the favor.
So, let me make sure I’m understanding your “message” here. No sex until you’re married but then sex any time he wants it? WHAT PLANET ARE YOU FROM, LADY?
Yes, Steph. The “message” is that sex should be saved for marriage, at which point, excuses should be the rare exception rather than the rule. If you turn your husband down for sex more often than you enthusiastically agree to (or even initiate) it, then you are cheating both your spouse and yourself out of innumerable physical, psychological, and emotional benefits, and are also making both parties unnecessarily vulnerable to sexual temptations from outside sources.
As one of the few men commenting on this I am both embarrassed by your encouragement to women for having no self respect, as well as offended by the way you have cheapened the male gender into some sort of mindless, soul-less robots.
If my wife (or partner) is not in a mood for sex then fine. So be it and I have more respect for her than to wish her to passively take what she doesn’t really want at that moment. I would prefer willingness at all times over duty sex thank you very much.
Not only that, why are you assuming that it is usually the man who wants it while the woman does not. There are times I am not in the mood, and I quite prefer to have that respected without feelings being hurt or her feeling rejected. Maybe I would just rather be close and enjoy psychological and emotional intimacy. If I expected that I must perform for my wife in moments like that, then I am merely a play thing. And she doesn’t cheapen me like that for which I am grateful.
Your article is built on a number of faulty assumptions about men, women, and other silly superstitious notions that only cheapen the worth of a woman as well as a man. We are no longer Neanderthal species members. We are equal members of the human species who with self respect and respect for the spouse have found sex to be so delightful and pleasurable and that it is mutually hard to resist 99% of the time. At other times when one is not in the mood, love and respect can be shown by accepting that with joy and not resentment.
Boom!
Excelent, Darrin! I agree wholeheartedly.
There is so much wrong with this post. So much. No one is entitled to sex just because they married you.
your are crazy……my body my choice. I will [sleep with] my husband when we both want sex, not only when he wants it…..
Infidelity is 100% the cheater’s fault. If your relationship has intimacy problems, talk about it or see a counselor. Don’t excuse cheaters or blame yourselves.
BERYL – can YOU please write a blog??? I am DYING to read more from you and I believe YOU would be a wonderful counselor!!!
BTW, I know you’ll never post these comments, Jenny, but I know you will read them, which is why I’m sending them to you.
Maybe the silliest thing about what you’re advocating is the way this attitude treats men like needy toddlers whose every whim and desire must be coddled at all time, no matter what your own desires, wishes and needs are.
I am not suggesting we should treat men like toddlers, Millie. I don’t even advise treating toddlers like toddlers, if by that you mean coddling every whim and desire. Nevertheless, a wise, loving, and attentive mother will do everything within her power to provide for her child’s legitimate needs — and a wise, loving, and compassionate wife will do the same for her husband.
So NEVER NEVER NEVER have sex until you’re married, even if you want to…
And then
ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS have sex even if you don’t want to…
That seems healthy.
This makes me never want to get married! Especially some of the comments, seems like you do everything right and some people still stray.
NEVER HAVE SEX, even if you really want to, until you get married.
Then HAVE A LOT OF SEX, even if you don’t want to.
Very healthy attitude….
Yes, Millie, that about sums it up. Saving sex (even if you really want it) until after marriage is an example of delayed gratification, and studies have repeatedly shown that the ability to do this (to delay gratification) is a marker for success later in life. It should come as no surprise, then, that couples who postpone sex until after the wedding enjoy happier, healthier, more stable marriages and more satisfying sex lives than those who do not. As for having a lot of sex after marriage, there are equally compelling reasons to do that, as detailed in my book, Love Your Husband/ Love Yourself.
That may be good for some, but these studies you talk about don’t apply to everyone. Especially women who respect themselves and know when to not do something they are not comfortable with. I’m not going to lay there just to satisfy my guy. It goes both ways. Also, my boyfriend of 15 years and I had sex the first time we hung out and have led a “happier, healthier, more stable” companionship. And I’m sure there are others like me. So why not advocate a more neutral message where both men and women can practice an EQUAL partnership?
fyi, that was some heavy sarcasm from millie.
just thought you should know.
Yes, I picked up on that, too. But, FYI, there wasn’t a shred of sarcasm in my response. 🙂
It’s disgusting seeing people try to justify women abdicating their right to do with their body as they see fit….
My husband was extremely patient while I was having some female problems. When things improved we were finally able to make love again. As we lay snuggling, he looked at me lovingly and said, “This messing around once a month is for the birds… and I’m a bunny!” I love this man!!
It’s great to find loving servant, leader husbands, who lead and respect their wives. We are partners, with one taking the lead and the other allowing the lead. But it is a normal expectation for a wife to be discouraged and hurt when she reads that counselors are encouraging and contributiing to an unfair treatment of women. This approach is not considerate of wives feelings.
What if the man is always the one making the excuses? Or turning me down?
It is no less frustrating for a wife to be refused sex when she desires it than for a husband to be similarly put off. Though that is a less common problem than the reverse scenario, it evidently happens frequently enough that I’ve heard from several wives who’ve found themselves in such a predicament and have therefore compiled a list of suggestions for dealing with a disinterested husband. Give them a try, and let me know if it helps!
This disgusts me. Heaven forbid a woman have an opinion of her own, and the right to decide whether to make HER body available to her husband. If you are married to a man who literally cannot take a single rejection or skip a single night of passion for the sake of his wife’s wellbeing or mental/physical health, you have chosen your man incorrectly. This has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with bodily autonomy.
And for a popular blogger to espouse the avoidance of excuses for saving a woman’s marriage because she dared decide her body was not a receptacle for her husband’s every whim, you are not innocent of encouraging marital rape and harassment. Think on how this post must look to a woman stuck in a marriage with a sexually/physically/verbally abusive husband, and is just doing her best to scrape by for her children, or other valid reasons. You should be ashamed of yourself, truly.
For the record, I grieve for women who are abused. A battered wife should take whatever measures are necessary to protect herself and her children and to establish accountability for her husband. I do not condone violence against women, and to suggest that this little poem promotes such a thing is extremely reactionary and blatantly false.
The vast majority of husbands are NOT abusive. Most of them love their wives, enjoy expressing that love through physical intimacy, and would appreciate being allowed to do so on a regular basis. This desire — which is an entirely reasonable expectation — accounts for at least part of the reason men marry in the first place.
The wife who callously and habitually refuses her husband or pushes him away is being selfish, short-sighted, and incredibly inconsiderate. She is also cheating herself as well as her husband out of myriad physical, mental, emotional, psychological, spiritual and relational benefits, as detailed in my book LOVE YOUR HUSBAND/ LOVE YOURSELF.
Are there ever legitimate reasons for turning your husband down? Certainly there are (menstruation and post-partum recovery being two that immediately spring to mind). However, it will be much easier for a husband to accept the valid reasons if such excuses are the rare exception rather than the rule. A wife cannot deny her husband sex for weeks and months at a time without his discerning the truth: that she loves herself more than she loves him and cares nothing about his needs or desires.
Thank you Jennifer, for all your wonderful advice and support. I am in a wonderful marriage with a wonderful man, and I love reading all your posts. Don’t ever forget that God is behind you in all of this, and that it ministers to many!
Thank you,
Fawn
Thank YOU, Fawn, for your sweet words of encouragement. I appreciate your taking time to write them. May God continue to pour out His richest blessings upon your marriage!
Hi Jennifer, please do not be angry at my reply, but, I need to be honest here. I am a God fearing women who tries to do what God wants wwomen to do. But Jennifer, God also wants husbands to try to provide what his wife needs.
I and many others would disagree with the approach that many Christian counselors have here on the internet, that always scold the wives and give these long lists of expectations to women, then make some list to husbands, just to patronize the wives. These lists should be very much alike. A wife’s biggest needs are not the toilet seat, and tell her she is beautiful. Among our needs are, honor me as your partner, respect my feelings and opinions. Don’t expect me to feel about sex the way you do, as I am not a man. Don’t allow your sex needs to overpower everything else in the marriage, and 87 others on the list.
Where are the men counselors that preach to men like some of you women counselors do to women. What is going on? Why do you women counselors find the need to continually scold women, and yes counselors’ approach does scold women.
Husbands are not equal to God. We must stop exalting and worshipping them as such. We must give men the equal counsel on how to deal with wives. What we will spoon see is an uproar and a rellion from women, because of all the imbalance.
Yes the husband is to be the leader in HIs HOUSE, not to other women. And yes we are to allow them to lead, but since husbands are the leader, they should begin by being loving leaders and lead with consideration for his wife. We must read all of God’s word and stop lecturing women. We are hurting women/wives. Satan is glad to see the scold women approach. He does whatever he can to try to get women to be discouraged.
I am not trying to discourage women, rather I’m trying to get them to look at things from another perspective.
My comments are addressed to wives because women make up the majority of my readership. If I were writing to men, my message would be tailored more towards husband’s responsibilities.
The truth is, neither husbands nor wives have much control over what their spouse does, but they have complete control over how they relate/react to that spouse. You must address areas that need to change in your own heart and trust God to make any needed or necessary changes in the heart of your husband.
I don’t think anyone is suggesting that this poem condones rape and violence, because it clearly doesn’t. The problem, rather, is that a woman in an abusive marriage or who has been the victim of marital rape would likely find this a deeply hurtful thing to read – and it has the potential to discourage her from seeking help and getting out.
A perfectly legitimate reason for turning your husband down? Not feeling like having sex. As simple as that.
I LOVE this! I do not understand how a couple can be together and the woman can not want to have sex with her man. Director/ Writer Kevin Smith said a relationship with love and no passion just makes you seem like awesome room mates!
Please, please, don’t make us women feel bad women for the way we were beautifully made. You see, men generally do not like to sit down and cuddle and be chatty, so women are not strong in the sex need as men are. There are exceptions to every rule, but sex is not a favorite for women. That being said, we will try to give our husbands what their bodies need. But women and men both are to work on providing what their partners need. So don’t question what a wife likes, she may be doing her best. Just as these counselors who favor men, tell us women not to question what our husbands want.
Don’t scold us women.
I like this post and I agree but sometimes the devil still finds a way. I rarely said no to my husband without a very valid reason and addiction and infidelity still found him. He’s in recovery now and life is so much better in that regard. Now we just have to heal from his infidelity.
I agree with you concerning the temptations of the devil. I too NEVER said no to my husband yet somehow infidelity happen. He was/is the controller of our interludes often refusing me…often for weeks. I chose to show him forgiveness and Gods love as well. A hard choice but a loving one…
This is really terrible. Your husbands infidelity and addiction issues were not at all your fault. He is an adult, a grown man, who made the decision to be unfaithful and hurt himself with addiction. Please don’t blame yourself for his terrible actions.
The simple truth is that no one should be made have sex when they do not want to. Sex is not a human right. More sex will not stop anyone from cheating and it will not fix a broken relationship. When men cheat, it is usually not about sex.
You are right. Only 8% of men who cheat say that they did it for the sex. The majority of men cheat because they are seeking approval. Certainly, a wife’s sexual responsiveness plays a part in making her husband feel accepted and approved, but there are other important things she should be doing, as well, to communicate respect to the man she married.