25 Ways to Communicate Respect
Actions speak louder than words. You can say you respect your husband, but he’ll have a hard time believing that unless your behavior backs it up.
What does respectful living look like? Here are 25 ways you can communicate respect to your spouse without uttering a word. If you’ll make it your habit to do these things, the next time you tell your husband how much you respect him, he won’t have to wonder if you really mean it.
25 Ways to Communicate Respect
Choose Joy
It’s true: A happy wife makes a happy life. Please don’t use moodiness as an attempt to manipulate your man, but in all things rejoice, because that’s the right thing to do. (1 Thessaonians 5:16; Philippians 4:4)
Honor His Wishes
Give weight to what your husband thinks is important. Make those things a priority that matter most to him, whether it’s having dinner ready when he gets home from work or keeping the house tidy or limiting computer time. Don’t make him ask twice. (Philippians 2:4)
Give Him Your Undivided Attention
Yes, I know that women are masters of multi-tasking, but when your husband is speaking to you, make a point to lay other tasks aside, look into his eyes, and listen to what he is saying with the goal of understanding and remembering his words.
Don’t Interrupt
Have you ever been around a person who won’t let you finish a sentence? That gets old fast. Even if you think you already know what your husband is going to say, allowing him to say it without cutting him off mid-sentence shows both respect and common courtesy.
Emphasize His Good Points
Sure, he has his faults (as do you), but dwelling on them will only make you (both) miserable. Choose instead to focus on those qualities in your husband that you most admire. (Philippians 4:8)
Pray for Him
Ruth Graham advises wives to “tell your mate the positive, and tell God the negative.” Take your concerns to God. Faithfully lift up your husband in prayer every day, and you will likely notice a transformation not only in him, but in yourself, as well. (Philipians 4:6-7; 1 Thessalonians 5:17)
Don’t Nag
Your husband is a grown man, so don’t treat him like a two-year-old. Leave room for God to work. You are not the Holy Spirit, so do not try to do His job.
Be Thankful
Cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Don’t take your husband for granted. Be appreciative for everything he does for you, whether big or small. Always say thank you. (1 Thessalonians 5:18; Ephesians 5:20)
Smile at Him
Not only do smiles spread happiness; smiles have even been shown to create happiness. Plus, smiles are contagious. And a smile makes any woman more beautiful.
Respond Physically
Did you know that the way you respond (or don’t respond) to your husband’s romantic overtures has a profound effect on his self-confidence? Don’t slap him away when he tries to hug you or make excuses when he’s in the mood. Your enthusiastic cooperation and reciprocation will not only assure him of your love, but will make him feel well-respected, too. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)
Eyes Only for Him
Don’t compare your husband unfavorably to other men, real or imaginary. It is neither fair nor respectful and will only breed trouble and discontent. Avoid watching movies or reading books that might cause you to stumble in this area, as well. (Psalm 19:14; Proverbs 4:23)
Kiss Him Goodbye
I once read about a study done in Germany which found that men whose wives kissed them goodbye every morning were more successful than those who weren’t kissed. Success and respect often go hand-in-hand, so be sure to send him off right, and don’t forget to greet him with a kiss when he returns home, for good measure. (2 Corinthians 13:12)
Prepare His Favorite Foods
Although the rest of the family is not overly-fond of spaghetti, my husband loves it, so I try to make it at least two or three times a month as a way to honor him. Next time you’re planning meals, give special consideration to your husband’s preferences. (Proverbs 31:14-15)
Cherish Togetherness
I love to sit near my husband, whether at home or away. Our church shares potluck dinners every Sunday afternoon, and although the men and women normally sit separately to visit, I like to position myself close enough to my husband that I can listen to the conversation, as I think everything he says is so interesting. At home, I’ll take my book or handwork to whatever room in the house he’s working in, just to be close to him, because I enjoy his company, even when neither of us is talking.
Don’t Complain
Nobody wants to be around a whiner or complainer. It is grating on the nerves. Remember the serenity prayer: accept the things you can’t change, courageously change the things you can, seek wisdom to know the difference. (Philippians 2:14)
Resist the Urge to Correct
I know one wife whose spouse can’t tell a story without her stopping him fifteen times to correct inconsequential details: “It wasn’t Monday evening, it was Monday afternoon…. It wasn’t blue, it was turquoise…. He didn’t ride the bus, he took a shuttle.” Please. Please. Don’t ever do that to your husband — or to anyone else, for that matter! (Proverbs 17:28)
Dress to Please Him
Take care of your appearance. Choose clothes your husband finds flattering, both in public and around the house.
Keep the House Tidy
To the best of your abilities, try to maintain a clean and orderly home. Seek to make it a haven of rest for your entire family. (Proverbs 31:27)
Be Content
Do not pressure your husband to keep up with the Jonses. Take satisfaction in the lifestyle he is able to provide for you. (1 Timothy 6:6-10; Hebrews 13:5)
Take His Advice
Do not dismiss his opinions lightly, especially when you’ve asked for his counsel in the first place. Make every effort to follow your husband’s advice.
Admire Him
Voiced compliments and heartfelt praise are always welcome, but you should also make it your habit to just look at your husband in a respectful, appreciative way. Think kind thoughts toward him. He’ll be able to see the admiration in your eyes. (Luke 6:45)
Protect His Name
Honor your husband in the way you speak of him to family and friends. Guard his reputation and do not let minor disagreements at home cause you to speak ill of him in public. Live in such a way that it will be obvious to others why your husband married you in the first place. (Proverbs 12:4; 22:1)
Forgive His Shortcomings
In the words of Ruth Bell Graham, “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” Please do not hold grudges against your husband. Do not allow a root of bitterness or resentment find a home in your heart. Forgive your husband freely, as Christ has forgiven you. (Mark 11:25; Matthew 18:21-35)
Don’t Argue
You are not always right, and you do not always have to have the last word. Be the first to say, “I’m sorry.” Be willing to accept the blame. It takes two to argue, so “abandon a quarrel before it breaks out.” (Proverbs 17:14; 21:19; 25:24)
Follow His Lead
If you want your husband to lead, you must be willing to follow. Neither a body nor a family can function well with two heads. Learn to defer to your husband’s wishes and let final decisions rest with him. (Ephesians 5:22-24)
Proverbs 18:22 tells us, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” Use these 25 ways to communicate respect consistently, and your husband will never have trouble believing that fact.
For Further Reading
Want more encouragement to be more respectful toward your husband? Sign up for my 30-Day Respect Challenge for daily email reminders and action points for putting what you’ve learned into practice.
Like this post? You’ll love my book, 25 Ways to Communicate Respect to Your Husband. Nearly 200 pages, it’s filled with Biblical wisdom and sensible suggestions for putting these principles into practice. See also my husband’s companion book: 25 Ways to Show Love to Your Wife, based on his blog post by the same title.
Want printable versions of these articles? You’ll find the 25 Ways to Communicate Respect list for wives here and the 25 Ways to Show Love list for husbands here, with an option to print either in its entirety or as a one-page summary.
Great advice……i have no facebook. ….but”i like it””
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Thank you.
Ask yourself “what will this really mean next year”? In the bigger scheme of things most of the problems we get stressed about aren’t really that important. It may be a big deal to you, right now, right here, but will it really determine anything of substance in the long run?
i think that the author needs to be VERY careful about advising women to have sex with their husbands even when they’re not in the mood. this is psychologically dangerous advice to women who have been sexually abused or assaulted. as loathe as i am to admit this in a public forum, i will because i think it’s very important for the women who read this and are not the type to comment… i was abused both as a child and an adult. the very thought of submitting to my husband when i am not in the mood brings up my deeply painful past and literally makes me shaky and nauseated. i am actually shaking right now writing this. but, as i tried to explain above, the embarrassment of writing this is worth it if a woman who is not yet married and believes she must do this sees the other side. that also goes for married women. i know know a few married women who suffered horrible abuses and never mentioned it to their husband because they’re ashamed (although they shouldn’t be as it was NOT their fault!) my husband knows what i’ve been through and is extremely sensitive to it. please let your (future or present) husband know your experiences and, if he’s a good man, he will be understanding and never push the issue of sex when you’re not into it. and, if you can’t bring yourself to tell him then please at least respect your own boundaries and never do anything that you don’t want to do. it’s a long journey but you’re not alone.
Thank you… very interesting. I wish to have a copy.
Thanks God bless
You’ll find links for free printable versions of this article here, Dimakatso. You may choose to print either the full article or a one-page summary.
And I don’t think it makes any woman like a slave of any sort to strive not to deny her husband sex. This works both ways too. My ex lost sexual interest in me for a period of time, and it was horrible. I agreed to be with one person for the rest of my life, I’ve got a strong drive, and suddenly I was completely deprived. I think it is wrong to let someone make that commitment, to only receive that pleasure from you, and then not give it to them. The bible should not be used to control that person and make them do it, nor should anything else. It should be something the spouse chooses to give. They still have the right to be selfish if they choose to.
Quite an argument going on here! I can honestly relate to both sides. I tried respecting my ex husband, but it became too difficult, it repulsed me, and it encouraged him to be less and less of a man with a bigger and bigger sense of entitlement. After he ended up cheating numerous times, I walked away.
The man I’m with now is a different story. I can read this article and want to take notes, because these are things that I want to do for him. The difference is that I can respect him. Pretending to respect somebody when you just plain don’t is harder than many realize. There’s a million things I love, respect, and admire about the man I’m with now. It still gets hard sometimes, there are fights and people will get frustrated, but having a strong foundation of respect makes a person much better at respecting during an argument, when it becomes more difficult to do. If you choose someone you can’t respect, it will be impossible in those moments that you are upset.
This is all really well and good……..if you’re Christian and don’t mind submitting to a man for the rest of your life and swallowing all of your own ideas to support someone else instead of yourself….. I’d like to see your list of 25 ways to respect your wife next. Please tell me you have one. Backed up by the Bible.
Yes! My husband would totally abuse this article to make it about how I wasn’t doing things right, yet completely ignore everything HE is responsible for as a husband. How about not belittling my education, my opinions, how I want to wear my hair and what makeup I wear, or how I don’t want spend every evening watching sports or listening to his podcasts. He places almost no value on me as a wife, except what I can do for him. I work two jobs and have a PhD and it isn’t enough. He think I don’t dress up sexy enough when we go out, wear enough makeup, and demands I have a butch cut. He refuses to seek counseling, threatens divorce if I don’t comply or if I even remotely tell him I don’t want to do what he expects of a “wife” while refusing to have any intimacy with me due to his “transitioning” by taking HRT. What does the Bible say about my value here? This article is fine and dandy for a woman who isn’t in an emotionally abusive relationship.
Hi, Misty. What does the Bible say about your value? It says you are “fearfully and wonderfully made” in the image of God, knitted together by Him in your mother’s womb, and of immense value to God, Who loves you so much He sent His Son Jesus to pay the penalty — death! — for your sin so that you could live eternally in heaven with Him (see Psalm 139, Genesis 1:27, John 3:16).
As for the rest of your letter, I am so sorry this has been your experience! I am praying for your marriage this morning and would encourage you to do the same. God promises to give wisdom to all who ask, so start there. (James 1:5) You might also consider praying these 31 Bible Verses over your husband — that’s one for each day of the month.
Beyond that, it sounds like the remainder of your comments constitute a conversation you probably need to have with your husband, perhaps facilitated by a solid, Biblically-grounded, Christian counselor.
I don’t understand WHY is this post so controversial. Comon ladies!! Get a grip and get it together! Why so defensive? Why so fighsty? That’s exactly the problem. Us women are very proud creatures and think that treating men like garbage makes us better and is not like that. Thats why this society is so rotten.
Calm down. Take a breath! And if you cant love a man that when u marry him you can not do these things for him then stay single!
We often think because they are guys they don’t have feelings and needs like us. We like to be the prissy princesses of the house and crush them cause they are men. Let me tell you they have feelings just like us and needs too. Need to be loved and admired and cared for. Women a natural nurturers and men natural hunters and protectors. Get with the program. You might actually find happiness.
The Bible says: “a wise woman builds her home but a foolish one destroys it with her own hands”. This is not as simple as it sounds. Figure it out. Take your place. We are man’s right hand and the pillars of our homes! Respect yourselves by building your home. Don’t destroy it with stupid pride.
And stop fighting and ‘judging’ if you don’t wanna be judged. Some in here ate complaining of being ‘judged’ but who started judging first? There is freedom of speech and this lady posted great advice. For some is good and if you don’t like it. Don’t offend either and if you do swallow your words when you get ‘judged’
Peace!
I have been married twice. The first husband was abusive and the second was bi-polar and an alcoholic, both used religion to try to control my behavior or excuse theirs. I believe it is highly irresponsible of you to post something like this without a disclaimer that none of this applies if your husband is abusive (phyically, emotionally, sexually, etc.) or if mental illness or substance abuse is involved. Adding a statement about what is NOT part of a loving Christian relationship is in order, along with a list of places women can go for help if abuse, mental illness or substance abuse is part of their relationship. I will never forget the day, I gathered the courage to go see my pastor alone for counseling and told him some of the truth of my first marriage and he told me that God did not want me to suffer like that and essentally gave me his support if I chose to leave my abusive husband. It was very powerful and much needed. I believe you should have the courage to say it as well for the benefit of all Christian women who are suffering abuse from cruel, mentally ill and/or addicted men.
You make a valid point, Shelley. No husband has a right to abuse his wife, and if a marriage is plagued by mental illness, alcoholism, or drug addiction, professional help should be sought.
Of course. None of these applies to an abusive man. I am glad you were freed from abuse and wish you the best in your future. Blessings.
Love and Respect are two different things. Where is the article on the husband RESPECTING his wife?
I thank God every day for giving me a husband who sees me as his equal partner in this life. He expects things of me, and I expect things of him. Sometimes we argue, but it is to find common ground. In response to another’s comment, that doesn’t make me angry, it brings me great peace.
Reading this made me incredibly sad because until women start seeing themselves as equal, there never will be gender equality in this world. I’m sure your husband is a wonderful man, but the idea that women are to be submissive and always put men first gives the not so nice guys an excuse to put women down, ignore them or worse.
Do I need to check myself sometimes to make sure I’m paying better attention to my husband’s needs, yes of course I do. I think it’s wonderful that you want your husband to know you respect him, and that you’ve pointed out that sometimes we disrespect one another in the simplest ways without even realizing it. I only hope that he works this hard to show his respect for you and that you have enough respect for yourself to stand up when it’s important and consider that you have needs to and it can’t always be his that come first.
You had me at (without uttering a word).
Really? 2012 and you want to go back in time and be walked all over and treated like a doormat by your husband? I didn’t even have to read this entire post to get disgusted by it.
Great post on how to be a successful slave though.
I noticed that the list for men is about ‘loving’ your wife, and not ‘respecting’ your wife, while this list for women is about ‘respecting’ your husband.
Basically this list is about voiding your opinions to let your husband just take the reins of everything. Dress to please HIM. Do thinks that HE likes. If HE’s in the mood, don’t push him away or make excuses.
That last one gets me the most. If he’s feeling in the mood, you’re obligated to reciprocate it, no matter how much you don’t want too?
So, say after I get out of school and become a vet, I get married. I come home from an all-day shift, covered in blood and cat urine, psychologically burnt-out from dealing with several critical condition patients…if he’s interested in sex, I’m not allowed to say ‘no, not now’? Is that what being a ‘good, respectful wife’ means?
Then I’m just getting more pets. I want to be treated as an equal, not a subservient second-in-command.
The world isn’t run by one person. Every party needs to make an input.
Also, don’t read books or watch movies that might make you think of someone other than your husband as attractive?
Fictional characters don’t exist, if you find a nonexistent person attractive, I don’t think that counts as adultery. When I eventually get married, my husband isn’t going to care about my childhood crush on Captain America.
Regarding your childhood crush on Captain America, I agree: it is unlikely your future husband will be bothered by that. If, however, you remain fixated on Captain America as a married woman, pinning pictures of Captain America all over real or virtual pinboards, talking incessantly about how handsome and brave and wonderful Captain America is, and griping that your husband doesn’t act or talk or look anything like Captain America, then it’s quite possible he would mind. That sort of behavior would get really old really fast. And if you can’t read certain books or watch certain movies — even movies as good and wholesome as Captain America — without being tempted to draw unfavorable comparisons between the hero and your husband, then no, I don’t think you should watch them.
As for coming home covered in cat urine to a husband who’s ready for action, of course you are entitled to say, “No, not now.” But a better answer might be, “I’ll need to take a bath first. Do you want to run the water?”
Puke. Puke on this [expletive deleted] and on your submission to the misogynistic crazy fairy tales you’ve based your life and self-worth on. Read something (ANYTHING!) on feminism. Learn how to respect yourself, and then you can respect someone else.
Respect yourself, and then you can respect others… as you’ve so eloquently demonstrated in this comment, eh? Incidentally, Anne, I have read several books on feminism. My favorite is WHAT OUR MOTHERS DIDN’T TELL US: Why Happiness Eludes the Modern Woman
, which I would highly recommend to any of the self-professed feminists commenting on this blog (particularly those whose angry tone suggests that happiness, perhaps, has eluded them).
Wow. Why didnt you just say “be a doormat” or “be a stepford wife” you could have saved a lot of energy and gotten the same idea across.
I am reading these comments and getting very sad. I am a born again Christian and believe in the many good things in this article, so many people are tearing these things down as sexist when really, it is just common sense. No you don’t want to be a doormat for a wretched, horrible husband, (God doesn’t want that for us either) but when you have a husband who is trying hard to be good to you and his family, these would be nice to do. Husbands thrive on respect, many of them will naturally reciprocate. And remember, this is a list for the wives, the wives! Of course the husband should respect you too, but that is not who we are talking about here, we are talking about our attitudes, which, at the end of the day when we stand before God is what we are going to answer for.
I’m failing to understand why being born with a penis qualifies you to ‘lead’ over a person born with a uterus. My uterus didn’t come with small print saying ‘I must cook and clean for my husband because he his is a man’. I do this things because I want to, and he does them too. We share our tasks, which strikes me as far more respectful than pandering after someone. Love and respect are mutual, as is the housework and the income earning.
here here, asha! <3
thank you for this. This really encouraged me in this area of my marriage.
I’ve read some of these comments.Im a guy and I am husband and father.That “Fem Nazi” was just a wee bit out in left field.I hope that I don’t know personally anyone in my circle of friends.That consider themselves past,present or future “Fem Nazi”wow!I have read these verses in Phillipians and Corinthians.I personally don’t ask of my wife to be all of that that is commanded.I just want harmony with my wife and me.I don’t ask for “sex on demand”.i do want intimacy from here.Whereby we come together as one in the flesh to express our internal love and warmth for each other.Id like to have it more often.i do not complain if intimacy takes a while to heat up.I never married a Mrs.Cleaver(leave it to beaver)so I don’t expect the house to be perfect and don’t want her to get my slippers and tobacco pipe.I actually prefer things to be natural most of the time.If the house is messed up a little.So what.I know I’ll either help pick up some things or clean the house myself.Or if my wife wants me to leave it alone.That she will do it.Great.I don’t want to be or thrust upon her any more hardships.Than we already have in living in this life.Its a matter of Peace and Harmony within our house and in our lives together.If you or the other doesn’t have that.People can easily see what you and her or vice versa are about.
I’m assuming you’re referring to me as the Feminist Nazi. It’s pretty awesome that you, who claim to be Christian, are the one to first resort to name-calling. This truly shows that you’re an intelligent person, along with the way you constructed your post. I’m only arguing that men and women deserve the same things in life, including the same respect. There is nothing nazi-esque about this. I’m saying that I know that when I get a job, even with the doctoral degree I’m working toward, I’m going to be paid far less than a man with the exact same job as me, even though I may or may not do more work than him. I don’t think that’s fair, when I’ve gone through the same training as any man who would hold the same job. My rights are under fire as well, mostly by “Christian” men. I’m not heckling you and calling you names for what you think, as you’ve done to me. I’m simply trying to make you understand that the world does not revolve around men, and it shouldn’t. Women need to be respected as well and not told to submit to their husband’s every desire. That’s not fair to us, and I’m certainly sure you wouldn’t suggest that MEN submit to the wishes of their wives.
I’m sad for all the hateful women who clearly have a greater underlying issue. However it makes it worth while to see the other posts from logical men & women who are understanding your message. I’m a pretty headstrong women, which is why some of these 25 struck me so hard. I know I have a lot of work on my part to do to keep my marriage strong and healthy. My husband deserves to be treated these ways. Never while reading this did I ever think that you were suggesting that I be a doormat to my husband. Honestly without assuming that these naysayers have other issues I can’t see how they keep attacking this post. Good job Jennifer!
well said, kate!!!
Thank you for those helpful verses.I have been struggling somewhat being a husband.I know I’m not perfect by no means.im a big guy.Sometimes I think that because I am a big guy.That my wife thinks that I don’t have feelings.I have all the love for her in this world.She has to be willing to accept my love.With that being said.i don’t think I over do it on the affection.Maybe this is all in my mind.That she does love me but doesn’t show it as I do for her.i also try not to be arrogant or self centered.I seldom ever hear or get a gesture from her that I do look good since my weight loss.My confidence is waning
I have read through all the comments after reading the post and realize how much I needed to be reminded of the biblical truths you shared. I have been married nearly 40 years and wish I could have had faith and understanding of these truths in my early married years. I have no excuse as I always had a bible and was raised in a Christian home. I am happily married and very much in love with my husband, but so often make poor decisions in my remarks and attitudes,which I know is my pride. It takes FAITH to believe that what my Lord said is true will actually bless me! And the blessing of our husband’s love may come today or it may be somewhere in the future. Being honest with God and ourselves is the open door to peace and happiness. My prayer for all women is that we might love and respect our husbands and be blessed with countless years of growing in love together! I promise you young ladies that love deepens and is richer as the years go by-it is worth working on enriching your marriage each day. God knew best when he brought children and family life to us when we are young, even though we may feel so inadequate-He wants us to depend on Him to learn the ways of godliness. It is seldom an easy road, but filled with so much joy, and you will realize it as you look back together.
This list is really true and utter bull. As a woman, I believe that I deserve the exact same respect as my partner, and should not be a submissive doormat. Your list only furthers the ideals of female oppression that all women should submit to their husbands and do what they (males) want. I’m not a man-hater, I happen to be in the most wonderful and fulfilling relationship with a loving, caring man, but telling women to “follow the husband’s lead” and that “there can’t be two heads in a family” is unhealthy and demeaning. Women and men alike deserve the same love and respect. I happen to have my master’s degree in child psychology and can honestly tell you that gender norms and patriarchal families are NOT what is best for children and the overall functioning of the family unit by any means. These rigid roles often lead to more family dysfunction and more troubles for the children in their own lives and future marriages. As a woman, I think that you owe it to yourself to stop perpetuating and endorsing these patriarchal stereotypes. A person does not need a religion to act morally and to respect others. A person does not need a religion to be in a loving and caring relationship with another person. Using religion to justify any action is essentially hiding behind a facade. The moral to love others as Jesus Christ instructed would be a good moral to live by, but it seems as though this moral is lost on most “Christians”. As an advocate for religious freedom, I ask you to stop making judgements simply because people don’t believe the same things that you do. It’s fine to worship your God. But if you deserve that freedom and damn everyone who judges you, YOU need to stop judging others. There are few things worse than hypocrites.
Kate,
You only say these things because you don’t understand Christianity and you don’t understand the Christian definition of submission. A) We are not dormats. B) A Christian man is called to LOVE his wife as Christ loves the church. C) We are called to RESPECT our man because love comes natural to us. D) They are called to LOVE us because respect comes natural to them. E) All Christians are called by God to be submissive to one another. This is the behavior that Christ showed. He didn’t come to show us He was King. He came to be our servant and to show us how to love one another. Being a submissive wife in the Chrisitan life does not give the husband power over us. It enables them to lead the home the way that God intended. Our husbands do not tell us what to do, nor do they make all decisions without us. We are a team and God does call all of us to be equal, but He gives definate direction to both the husband and the wife of what their roles in the home are. God doesn’t say that women cannot work, nor does He say that men cannot help raise the children. But God does give specific roles to us towards each other and towards Him. These are not “gender” roles as the world defines them, but as God defines them.
Unless you have walked a life in the Christian faith and have been trained up in it by good Christian people, you could never understand the meaning of these things. God intentionally called each of us to do the opposite of what comes natural to us so that we will feed each other what we need. When we each give 100% to our spouse, then we are BOTH receiving 100% and we are both getting what we need.
I don’t care what sort of therapist you are or how many degrees you have. I don’t have any degrees, never got to go to college. That doesn’t make me any less intelligent or articulate than you. But your degrees only teach you the ways of the world, not the ways of the LORD. Just like with anything else, until you study what you want to argue against, you don’t have a leg to stand on. Until you know the opposition of your beliefs, you don’t have the right to put them down. You are putting us down for what we believe when you yourself do not understand these things or truly know what it means, and from your statements, you do not know the LORD or what He expects of us. I pray for your soul and for you to gain understanding. I pray for your salvation and that you will be baptized into Christ.
If we train our sons to treat their wives with love and our daughters to respect their husbands, long before they are old enough to have one, they will do these things naturally when they grow up. If as mothers, we respect our sons and as fathers we love our daughters, they will know what is right when they are grown because they have received it. You really need to read Jennifer’s husband’s list of 25 ways to love your wife. Maybe then you would begin to understand that this is in fact a two-way street and she is not a doormat. He’s doing exactly what God calls him to do and in no way is she instructing us to become doormats.
Carey, I don’t believe that I mentioned ANYTHING about what religion I follow or where I’ve come from, so you have absolutely no right to judge me. I was raised Christian for more than 20 years, and I’ve taken classes about the bible for probably 12 of those years. This all goes back to what I said earlier, and what you clearly did not read. I don’t judge you for following whatever religion you want to. You can worship whoever you want, as long as you aren’t hurting other people and infringing upon their rights, in my opinion. It’s when so called “Christians” stand up and judge me and my choices without being asked for their opinions that I get annoyed. I’ve lived the Christian life and I don’t care for it. You have absolutely no right to judge me, because it’s my choice and not yours. You also have no right to “pray for my salvation” when that was never something that I asked you to do. I live my life by morals, and I have firsthand knowledge that I have helped many people. I volunteer, and I work in a profession where I specifically spend my days helping underprivileged and disadvantaged children and their families. I only mentioned my degrees because I feel that I know the field of science much better than you do, and science provides solid evidence against some of the things this blog post mentions, while Christianity only provides the Bible, which has been written over centuries as well as translated and edited many times. There is really no telling how much of the Bible has been lost and changed since it was written. Even then, the Bible was written long after the birth and death of Jesus. Science has also proven time and time again that eyewitness accounts are often false. With so much time between when Jesus was alive and when the Bible was written, do you really think that everything in it is correct? People who think they remember one thing are often quite incorrect, even if they WITNESSED it. This has been shown in studies of people who witnessed a crime, and in every study, most of the people could not properly identify the assailant or correctly recall details. Anyway, I don’t need to live by a religion to be a decent human being. Everyone deserves love and happiness, and following one religion does not mean that you are more entitled than anyone else. I believe that when you realize this, then you are able to think freely and logically without your religion governing everything you do and simply live morally and conscientiously.
Wow! You come across as a very missable and unfulfilled person. Your own words condemn you; no one else is to blame. Sorry “Kate”😔
hear hear kate. props.
Interesting that you mentioned “I have a master’s degree in child psychology”, then continue with trying to pass personal beliefs and pseudoscience off as facts about family “norms”. I’m a professional with 34 years of working with individuals in both private “Mental hospitals” and my state “Criminal justice system”. The female “residents” of these facilities self Identify with feminist tendencies by 90% in both the hospitals and those incarcerated in prison. Now, you go right ahead and tell everyone what family norms are “best”.
I whole heartedly agree with this blog & I am a 26 year old woman with Christ as the center of my life. I am going to school for a master’s degree, and have a lot of other things that I could use to say “independant woman”. However, this is the way God set up relationships to work. It is very interesting to me to read women saying this makes a woman a doormat. I beleive that God is the center of all things and should be the focus. Countless ways throughout the bible, God instructs MEN to be the leaders, leaders in church, leaders in homes, etc. the man is the leader of the home, and the man also finds a wife. If the man is doing all that he can to be a Christian God fearing man then the marriage should balance out if the woman is being the Christian woman God describes her to be in Proverbs 31. How many women in today’s world are Proverbs 31 women or are striving to be like that?
For me being this way in a marriage would not make me any less of a woman. I beleive God will put me with a man who is chist centered and can balance me out. When we let God control our lives and submit to him he does wonderful things. When we try to control our lives and relationships with pride manipulation anger etc we give power to the devil and the world. Maybe thats why so many marriages end up in divorce.
This is the most horribly sexist drivel I’ve ever heard from another woman. I’m willing to bet you’re one of those people that shouts about how horribly oppressed Muslim women are. Please, please realize that simply by saying things like this you’re doing the exact same thing. Oppression takes many forms, and this is a prime example of that. A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect. Don’t tell a woman that she she give in to her husband’s sexual advances simply because he’s in the mood. That’s not a whole lot better than rape.
And before you write me off as a man hating feminist (I am a feminist, don’t get me wrong), I happen to love and respect men, I just almost happen to love and respect myself. I also expect any man I’m in a relationship to respect me as much as I respect him, and I doubt you’re getting a whole bunch of real respect from your husband. You’re allowing your life to be controlled by a man. That’s not freedom, that’s not love. That’s Stockholm Syndrome.
Stockholm Syndrome? Samantha, you really do not know what you are talking about. Your comments would be laughable if it weren’t for the fact that you believe them so blindly. My husband has not kidnapped or brainwashed me. I was of the conviction that a wife should respect her husband long before I ever met or married him, which explains why I was careful to marry a man who shared my values and would thus make the task easy. The 25 things I’ve written about in this article are not things that he demands from me, but are things that I willingly and cheerfully do for him because I do respect him and want to communicate that respect clearly. And you are wrong. This IS love, it IS freedom, and it is an infinitely better way to ensure mutual respect than the tit-for-tat “I’m not doing any of this for you until you do it all for me” method so many women have proposed in their comments.
You’re probably the most moronic human being I have ever come across on the internet. Your life is tragic.
Really!!!!!!!
I like and agree with most of these. The whole dress to please your spouse thing is a tricky one.
First, my husband tells me all the time that he thinks I look best in some old jeans/ sweats and a t-shirt, without make up. I’ve met many men who don’t care for make up & goofy fashion trends nearly as much as a lot of women believe they do. Blindly following advice without seeking out what pleases another doesn’t really help much. I’m pretty sure my marriage would be much worse off if I began spending our money on clothes, make up, and salon treatments without taking into account that my husband doesn’t care for that stuff.
However, I my main objection when women speak about how important it is to ‘dress up’ for their spouses is Proverbs 31:30 and 1 Peter 3:3-4. Certainly, I do not think there is anything wrong with getting dressed up for our spouses. However, I believe focusing on outwardly appearances in a marriage makes us succumb to wordly influences. As wives, we are the biggest assets to our husbands by our commitment to Christ and not by our looks or carnal capabilities. To me, those are things of the flesh! We benefit our husbands more by reading our Bibles, praying for our families, and studying to be loving, patient and kind than we do by dressing up and having sex on command.
I also think 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 is often times is misused by men to assert that they should get to have sex whenever and where they please. While I don’t think this is what you are saying here, I do believe that this is wrong. The scripture says not to deprive each other. Deprivation is not, in my opinion, saying you are not in the mood when you truly are not. Deprivation would be a lack of intimacy for a long term. The period of time is probably different for each couple, and again, blanket advice cannot address this issue. It’s something that needs to be taken into context of individual marriages and the needs of those individuals.
Personally, and perhaps I am wrong on this, I have always read 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 to mean that you shouldn’t deprive your spouse out of spite or neglect. If you never have the desire to have sex with your spouse, there is probably another underlying issue that should first be addressed.
So, in all, yes, this is a great list. However, ladies, you must be willing to communicate with God and your husband for guidance first!
By the way, when I say “long term” In our marriage, that’s a week or longer. But again, that may be different for different couples. My husband (though he would readily accpet sex at any point in time!) does not feel neglected if we go a week without it. I just felt I should put that out there if anyone reads my comment and wonders what I meant by that.
I agree with these comments to a point. To the point that a husband should take up the same rules to follow and honor his wife. It is then that you both will find a sense of peace known less and less in marriage. I am a full time working mom who IS the bread winner my husband and I are not perfect, however I truly do believe if used by both these statements above work. (Men have to slightly tweak their’s to “fit” the female Psyche). The biggest key in successful marriages is you BOTH must be willing to keep trying and working at it.
Good luck!
Jennifer, thank you so much for posting these 25 tips/ reminders. I am married 5 years now and can painfully remember times when I was not repectful to my husband. I am blessed with a wonderful godly man and I am so grateful that he just kept on loving me in spite of me..
Ladies.. be humble and take these points to heart. If you will.. you will not only grow in great favor with your man.. but with God as well. And believe me.. you want to have His favor.
This sounds hard and old fashioned when the wife works full-time and still carries the load of children and housework and the husband does not fully carry his load at home. He wants to be like this but he works and plays and does not Give wife much time or respect unless she does what he wants
I think this is right on the money! Maybe if more women would actually adhere to the most perfect fundamentals given to us by our God, marriage would actually prevail over all these needless divorces. I’ve have an amazing marriage going on 24 years, can honestly say I adhere to the principles above and could not be happier. I have two adult children who have seen a Godly marriage modeled before then and thank God they want nothing less for themselves! God is all knowing and we should seek after his perfect will and plan for our lives and let go of our own selfish goals and desires. Love your husbands ladies as God commands us to do. God is faithful and good…ALL the time!
This is a fabulous list of recommendations detailing how to treat any HUMAN BEING with respect. The fact that is composed categorically for husbands/males is evidence of the lack of RESPECT for women (scripturally). Religions have formatively taught women to deny their souls of their need for respect (see list). We don’t need two lists ladies…(like by her flowers for no reason at all…la, la, la). Respect is a necessary foundation for true love which many human beings never experience, married or not.
AmyAnn – yes. You said I was trying to say and was botching it up. A Christian woman is called to faithfully serve her neighbors, that is her husband and children, through her vocation of wife and mother. OF course any Christian is called to do serve her neighbor, love her neighbor of any sort in a way which does not break the commandments but loves the neighbor. Whining and complaining is not okay in any relationship. Bearing false witness, speaking poorly about any neighbor is just not okay. There is no exception. When we know in our hearts we have broken commandments we need to repent of those sins and ask forgiveness.
Who wrote this???? I followed this “guidelines” and wow, was I ever treated like a doormat. The husband is to love his wife like Christ loves the church and would do anything for her. Period! I’m not talking about, “baby I want a 4 bedroom house we can’t afford, or a Mercedes we can’t afford”, I’m talking about placing his wife and her needs not wants above his own. Articles like these make women believe it is up to them to make a happy marriage and if her husband isn’t happy, then she needs to do whatever it takes, even if that means her self worth and happiness, to make her husband happy. I am married and by following these guidlelines, I have become more depressed, guilty, felt unworthy of love and not good enough. My self esteem is shattered. So let’s not forget that Men are commanded to LOVE YOUR WIFE AS CHRIST LOVES THE CHURCH. Start there and pieces would fall into place.
I have to add…(and again, a long response, sorry) I went back and read all of the posts…the women who think these are ridiculous suggestions are probably non-practicing Christians, non-believers or selfish (all the me, me, me…what do ‘ I ‘ get out of this, what about ‘my’ needs)! You are missing the point ladies…the point is NOT getting ANYTHING from this except God’s favor!!! The response about ‘I’m not gonna kiss him if I don’t feel like it just to please him’…THAT’S THE POINT…to PLEASE HIM so that you can glorify God with your actions!! MAKE yourself have a good attitude about it! Talk to your husband about his needs! And the sex thing…if you don’t want it but hubby does, you’re gonna say NO?? Ladies, let your husbands ROMANCE YOU!! Look, (and, I’m not trying to be gross or anything) but my husband does the weeny shake at me and then raises his eyebrows with that ‘you want some?’ look…I know you’ve all seen that! lol One night, I just wasn’t in the mood and the weeny shake wasn’t helping to turn me on!…but, here’s where communication comes in (yes, you can speak up!) I told him, ‘look honey, I love you, and I absolutely LOVE making love with you… but the weeny shake just doesn’t do it for me, you are gonna have to do better than that! I don’t care if you have to google ‘how to romance my wife’ but you gotta do better!’ He said, ok, and came and sat beside me on the couch for the rest of the evening. (I’m assuming because he had to think about what to do, because some husbands just aren’t good in the romancing area). BUT, Guess what? Next night, AMAZING! He did candles around the bathtub and made a bubble bath for me, had candles around the room, music playing, it was GREAT!! I wasn’t rude, I just told him in a loving way… what he could do… to help me… to please him! No man once to be intimate with a wife that isn’t interested! And I did get something out of it..and it was AWESOME!! And, this ’empowering women’ movement that’s been going on for, like, several decades…that is SOCIETY…NOT GOD! Men and women are NOT equals! God gives authority TO OUR HUSBANDS over us (to an extent)! STOP watching Oprah and reading those magazines that teach equality among the sexes!! Get your advice from God and not from the world! The world LIES! The bible clearly states that women have their roles and men have theirs! Yes, it is ok to work outside the home, yes, it is even ok to be the breadwinner! But DO NOT tout around like a peacock if you are the breadwinner, it’s prideful, that is a sin… and certainly don’t rub it in your husband’s face or state that ‘it’s MY money and I can spend it how I want to’ when he tells you not to buy something because it isn’t in the budget or he doesn’t feel your family needs it!! It’s emasculating to him and that doesn’t help your husband, it shows disrespect and is unfavorable to God! No man wants to be with a woman that doesn’t make him FEEL like a man! I don’t understand the women that are making it out to be about THEIR needs and desires when your job is to meet your HUSBAND’S needs and desires because God instructs you to do so! When my son got married, I told him…’Your wife comes before ANY OTHER relationship!! End of story! His younger brothers were always complaining to us that he doesn’t call as much or they don’t see him as much, and I explained to them that his wife comes first and that their’s should also!! Before a man even marries a women he should be sure he loves her (and of course, she should love him)! Divorce is not an option, and many women (and men) see it as an ‘easy way out’ of an unhappy relationship, when all they had to do was submit and commit to each other and let God lead their marriage. Look, my husband was a drug user, alcoholic and a big pot smoker! He did it behind my back and lied to me about it for YEARS!! Made promise after promise after promise that he would quit or that he had already quit..He wasn’t the abusive kind, I thank God for that, but it was out of control none the less! On the subject of protecting your husband’s honor and name…my husband would be high sometimes when we would go out to friends’/families’ houses…and they would ask what was wrong, why he was falling asleep at the table, or whatever…I would just tell them that the ‘medication’ he is on (for whatever injury) has some adverse effects! I wasn’t going to embarrass my husband by saying ‘he is high as a kite and he’s a drug addict and he won’t quit, and he lies, blah, blah’..besides, it was embarrassing for me enough as it was, I certainly wasn’t going to announce it to the ‘world’, that would have released a load of gossip…none good! When he finally went to rehab, the counselors told me that by not telling anyone what was going on that I was ‘enabling’ him and that’s why he continued because I wasn’t holding him accountable! Really? Well, for one, it IS NOT my job to hold him accountable for his actions…it’s GOD’S! Second, I told the counselor that I had a conflict because what they were asking me to do ‘as his wife’ and what God asks me to do as his wife are totally different! Guess what, I followed God’s teachings and we haven’t had a drug/alcohol problem for over 10 years! He regularly attends his AA meetings and we found a Christian counseling group that taught us how to handle this type of situation. It took an ENORMOUS effort on my part to get through this time in our lives, BUT, God was there for US! And with patience, love and kindness, we got through it! I invested so much time in him to get him on the right path, and he was and still is worth EVERY SECOND! Women in some groups have told me, ‘I would have left him’…well, I am a Christian wife and we don’t bolt at times when our husbands NEED US THE MOST!!! And many women (and men, do)! I still have 2 sons at home, and I talk to them all of the time about dating, guarding their hearts and leading their hearts (as opposed to following it) because the heart often lies! They know, from the bible’s teachings, what a Godly wife is, and I teach them that the relationship they have with their wife comes only second to their relationship with God! Society has screwed up women’s way of thinking! It has to always be about them and what they want and how they can RISE UP in the workplace! (yes, there are just as many men that are like that too, but as this post is about the WIVES and not the husbands, that is what’s being addressed!) If someone tells you…’as a wife you are expected to do this’…and you say..’well, what about my husband, what does he have to do?,,,why isn’t he being held accountable?’…Ladies, this isn’t about what your husband is suppose to be doing, it’s about what YOU are suppose to be doing! Worry more about yourself and less about your husband (let God worry about him) and you will see a change in yourself and your husband! It is sad to read the men’s responses about how their wives do not give them the respect, love, care and commitment that is expected, I will definitely be praying for you men that God speaks to your wives, so that they may understand how precious their husbands are!! And it is awful to see how many women just DON’T want to do the things on the list because they won’t get anything out of it!! Seriously?? That is SELFISH! I will pray for you that God speaks loudly and clearly to your hearts so that you can understand His reasoning behind his teachings! We all ‘want’ things, but the point of a Godly wife (or a Christian for that matter), is to ALWAYS put yourself LAST! You will be blessed for selfless, kind, genuine, anonymous acts of love!
Whew! Thank you AmyAnn for that post. You couldn’t be more right! I think the idea that life isn’t about us can be hard for people to accept at first, but it’s so true! Marriage shouldn’t be solely to satisfy ourselves and bring us happiness. Sure, those things come with it, but that’s not the purpose! I pray that we as women will get off of this “feminism” train that society is trying to promote and board the “feminism” train that God drives. Reading this article and the comments supporting it makes me feel thankful that there are still women actively seeking to become the wives God has called us to be. 🙂
It is true that you should communicate utter respect to your husband because he is the man you are going to spend your entire life with, someone who loves you and will always be at your side. Thank you so much for the tips.
First of all, I want to apologize in advance for this LONG response… 😀 second, this is great advice…for CHRISTIAN women…all the women complaining about how they don’t want to be a door mat, or be taken advantage of, why should I do for him when he doesn’t do for me, blah, blah, blah…if you are not a TRUE Christian, then yes, this probably sounds ridiculous! HOWEVER, for Christian wives, the bible has a specific set of standards set up when it comes to being a Godly wife! The first one is, you respect your husband’s POSITION as the head of the household, even if your HUSBAND doesn’t deserve your respect, his position over the household does deserve it, as God has given our husbands authority over us (not 100%, as God is the only one with 100% authority over us)! The only time you do not listen to your husband is if he asks you to sin. Your job, as a wife, is to be obedient, serving, loving, etc., because God expects that of YOU! If you are confused, read Ephesians 5:22-32, it will explain! The respect you show for your husband is NOT for HIM…it is for YOU! God expects it of YOU! Your husband has to answer to God for HIS actions, good or bad! I say again, your HUSBAND has to ANSWER TO GOD for his actions!! What will you have to answer to? What will you tell God when he questions you about respecting your husband’s authority? About how you loved him or showed love for him? About what you did to/with the husband that He gave you? God has entrusted YOUR HUSBAND TO YOU! It is your job, as a wife, to live up to those expectations! Yes, it is hard sometimes (or most of the time), but so is forgiveness, humility, humbleness, patience (especially if you have children), etc. All of these things are lessons that God teaches us, wives! NO WIFE on here can post that they are a TRUE Christian if they are NOT following God’s word to the letter!! His word is absolute, His expectations are clearly laid out in the Bible, you can not call yourself a Christian if you are just picking and choosing the things in the Bible that YOU want to do or follow! It’s all or none! And the one thing that the Bible clearly states for wives is that the husband is head of the household and you are to submit to him. That DOES NOT mean that if you are in an abusive relationship (either physically or emotionally) that you should just sit there and take it! You CAN leave! But then, you will need to pray or seek spiritual advice or counseling to get you through the next step! God certainly does not condone abuse in a marriage and there are always exceptions and a Christian counselor or minister, priest, whatever, can help you through whatever it is your needs are. But for the rest of us wives who have ‘normal’ marriages, (those that aren’t abusive but maybe you feel you aren’t getting what you need from your husband) the bottom line is, your job as a wife is to follow God’s instructions on how to be a Godly wife…your husband has to do his part on his own! Yes, marriage is a partnership, and no, it’s no fun if you are doing all the work, but, you should be worried about YOUR actions and behavior and how they will glorify God, and worry less about your husbands actions!! When it comes down to it, at least you will have faith in knowing that YOU will be in God’s favor, and that is more important than any gripe or complaint about some stupid thing your husband did or didn’t do (and yes, sometimes they do alot of those)!! But, your husband’s actions/behaviors will not matter to God when it comes to YOU, it will only matter what YOUR thoughts and actions were to the particular situation! (Remember, your husband has to answer to God for HIS own actions/behaviors) Ladies, do this for yourselves, we all deserve to be Glorified by God. (ps…I have been married for 23 years, yes, to the same man, we have children and grandchildren…I am not a ‘God Freak’ but I am [constantly working on my duties as] a Christian wife! It isn’t always sunshine and rainbows but you have to take the bad with the good!) Please take the time and learn what is expected of you and follow through..for most of you…you will be surprised at your husband’s response to your change. DON’T try to force God’s expectation of husbands ON your husband (especially, if he is a non-believer), but don’t be surprised, that if, say, he catches you reading about how to become a better wife, and when he asks what you are doing, you simply tell him the truth! “I am trying to learn how to be a more Godly wife to you!” He may blow you off, but that isn’t important, it’s important for you to continue Glorifying God! But then again, your husband, just might surprise you! What have you got to lose (other than God’s favor)??
I have never replied on a blog before, but I saw this on pinterest and it caught my eye. I was a little upset by a few of the comments here and feel the need to help with the miscommunication. I have been married for almost 7 months (with my husband a total of 6 years), but I do agree with the writer’s 25 points. However, I take it as being two-sided as well. I went to a marriage class that my church was doing and all of these points (and attached scriptures) were addressed to BOTH of us. For example, making meals is not one sided. I try to make his favorites and in return he tries his hardest to make me mine. Every single point that was written here he and I try to do for each other and together. This certainly isn’t directed strictly towards woman (although the title is misleading). My husband always tells me that I am the most independent woman he’s known. I currently am the “bread-winner” being a pharmacist (ironically also homeschooled my whole life and graduated high school at 15), but also do the household chores and cooking because he is in graduate school. I hardly feel like I am his doormat. He is a Godly man who treats me like a princess. I just feel like the title was misleading and maybe should have read “25 Ways to Communicate Respect to your Spouse” because all those points truly are for us all.
I agree that most of these points should go both ways, Alicia, and I am glad that you are married to a man who obviously understands and acts on that fact. Unfortunately, there are many wives who have decided they are NOT going to do any of this stuff for their husbands until their husbands do the same things for them. For those who are married to men who are just as stubborn as they are, they’ll be waiting a long time. Somebody has to make the first move.
Ladies,
As a married man I have to agree with the original post and quite a few of the previous responses. I know that this list of ways to show your husband respect and love sounds like you may be his foot stool especially if you don’t get it in return. I have been married for 18 months and it has been the most difficult 18 months of my entire life!! I often wish that my wife would do these things for me. Some of them more than others. I even put a list of ways my wife could show me love and respect together for (at her request) and a lot of these things were on that list. I don’t think she even gave it a second look. I asked her for the same in return so that I could love and respect her in ways that would impact her heart but she never gave it to me. This is very disheartening. So now I am in the position to love her as Christ loves the church without getting what I desire in return. And I tend to mess that up a lot!! Which doesn’t help her want to respect me. I think that the idea of helping each other by giving a list of ways you will receive love and respect is a great idea, that way your not guessing or swinging in the dark. But it does take two to make things work. The hard part is enduring through if your spouse is not willing to work with you. I have found myself not feeling love for her because I don’t feel like she is in love with who I am. That may sound shallow but I feel invaluable to her. Like I don’t bring anything positive to her life. That is not how marriage should be. Marriage should be beautiful. I know if my wife would do some of these things it could start our fire again. But I don’t want her to do it because she is told this is what she needs to do to be a good wife. I want her to do it because she loves me. These 25 ways to show your husband respect and love are great points. But they are not a list of demands. And it is not a guaranteed fix for a relationship. But I don’t know how I could not be madly in love with my wife is she made it a point to try and do these things for me. I know my personal motivation is to put my wife before myself even if I don’t agree with her. The bible says we are to submit to one another, and to stay away from quarrels. I hope this post helps someone see it from a male perspective. Remember this isn’t a list of demands.
Wow tanks man of God ur words came at d right time
I tried to find a contact link to ask you this privately, but can you tell me where you found the quote from Ruth Graham. I’d like to use it in an article I’m writing. “tell your mate the positive, and tell God the negative”
I don’t know the original source of the quote, Carol, but I first saw it cited by Bob Barnes on p. 25 of his book, What Makes a Man Feel Loved
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Excellent post. When I stop focusing on what my husband needed to change and look at my bad areas it made a world of difference. This post has nothing to do when men, it has everything to go with us as women. We have to let go of pride and follow the word even if others don’t agree. I do this to show my love to Christ, my first love. And to help my second love, my husband. Keep the wonderful work up !!!!!
Amen, and amen! If more of the naysayers focused on the issue in this manner, they’d understand what’s being communicated and ‘get it!’ It’s not about subservience and dominance, it’s about drawing out the natural God-given instincts in a man to SERVE when he is respected! A good-willed man shown respect JUMPS up to serve and show love and affection in response! Well written in the book, and more than that…….the truth! It will blow your mind how quickly a man will ‘love’ his wife (in every way imaginable, and desire to do so)! And I am a man writing this!
The word of God teaches women to obey their husbands; however, it also teaches men to treat their wives as a fragil vessel and to love them as they love themselves and as Christ Loves His Church. In Proverbs we get an explanation of a virtuous woman and she does not sound like a doormat but more like a strong pillar of a home. You love and serve and respect your husband as you would do yourself or others. It’s is not set on stone that we have to be doormats to them. If I have a great man he will do the same in return. If you married a not so good man well of course you cannot be under his feet. In that case there is no trying. The sad part and I’ve seen it over and over again is that some men take the scriptures and twist it to abuse their wives and mistreat them. That’s not right and no woman should allow that but that’s a different story.
This post is not so bad and I don’t think is meant offend women’s dignity if you see the big picture. If we don’t wanna be this way to the man we love than why marry him or why live with him.
In my case I have a man that treats me like a queen and tested and proved if I disrespect him he will lash back and it’s just human nature just as if he disrespects me I’m going to fight back.
The key word here is ‘BALANCE’! And trust in God because He did not make mistakes when He gave us His word!
I believe this is a wonderful list of things to demonstrate to your husband (as well as values to keep near your heart), however, I have some conflicting feelings as well. I do not believe as women we should submit physically to our husbands against our wishes/desires. Men are very interested in the physical aspects of marriage and do sometimes need our guidance to keep that desire in check! We do have other things we need to accomplish at times!I I also don’t feel the husband should always be the decision maker. What if his decision is morally wrong? My husband has been in jail twice this year, and if I had followed him I would have been there too leaving no one to care for our 2 year old son. So far I have taken the lead as the final decision maker because he has proved he isn’t capable of the job….not because I wanted to. I would love a response(s) from some like minded individuals who might be able to shed some light on my concerns or offer some new insights.
Our world is changing daily, last I looked woman could still be elected president. It’s an equal respect for each other. My husband and I have that for each other. We are both professionals, working full-time careers, and raising our children TOGETHER!
I do not agree. The woman was created as the man’s helper. If you are ALSO working fulltime in an enormous career, can you really help him and the children in the way you should? I am also highly qualified but decided to put my career on hold. Not forever, but when our children are small. Be honest with yourself. Someone else is raising your children. I believe if women would know their place, marriages and children in our ‘changing days’ will not be in the state they are.
last I looked woman could still be elected president
Women have been eligible to be elected president, since 1788 when the Constitution ratified. The Constitution limits the presidency by age, citizenship, and residency, but not by sex.
It’s true that women in most states did not get the VOTE until the Republicans passed the 19th amendment in 1920. But voting is different from running for, or holding office. There has NEVER been a Constitutional limitation on women running for President, or Congress either.
The first woman to run for Congress — unsuccessfully, but lawfully — was the Republican antislavery activist Elizabeth Cady Stanton of New York, in 1866. Though she could not legally vote, she could legally run.
So, in theory, we could have had a woman President long ago.
I apologize ahead of time if I offend anyone, I don’t mean to. But, it really makes me sad, the way, we, in this country and probably some other countries, tell women to behave. We don’t need to have 25 items. Three to five items would tell what God wants. The other things in the lists were overkill. Are we trying to punish wives for being wives? Are we trying to overwhelm wives? It’s almost not worth it for a Christian female to get married, if we are going to overload her this way. Where is her time for her baby and bigger children. You all have her so foused on her husband that she will need to hire someone to do all the other things that a woman has to do. How can a wife follow a man to the door to kiss him, when she is breastfeeding the newborn or getting the children fed for school, or if she is the one going to work and he is off for the day, is he to follow her to the door?
. I want all discouraged wives who read this, to know that, Satan works to discourage women, and that one way he works, is by allowing people to create unfair lists that are human made doctrines. God doesn’t tell us all these things in the Bible, like walking a man to the door to kiss him. Women who are God fearing and wise know that there is a movement to always blame and scold the wife. The movement wants to overwhelm and stress the woman who already has the world on her shoulders, dealing with female issues from puberty to menopause. We must be realistic with these lists. For example giving him your undivided attention, when you are holding your child’s head while she is throwing up, or trying to get the baby to latch on to your breasts, or when you are cramping. Only a selfish man would expect for his wife to give him attention at these times. People we must be fair and realistic!
What we could do is make a list for husband and wife, that talks about the husband being a loving leader of his wife. We already know what God says about husband and wife, let us not stretch the list and add a bunch of husband “worship” stuff. It is not right!!
I agree with Raven.. I find it pretty irresponsible to give women the idea that if you do this and that then everything will work well because of what you do. Women and men alike are abused by their spouse and it is grievous and down right unbearable. I totally agree with Raven. I wouldn’t want to be the man as having the responsibility to love and care for their wives is hard as both are sinful, but it is what he is called to do.
Although nicely written I have to say a lot of things were taken out of context from the bible. If you read your bible God never had to tell a women to love her husband ever! But God had to remind men several times to love your wife. Women don’t need to be told all that if a women isn’t doing the above things then the responsibility lies on the husband, he isn’t doing something right. A man is the head of a house.
Raven, just to clarify you might should look up Titus 2:4 where God says that younger women are to be taught to love their husbands. Obviously God knew we needed this teaching!!
If I show this list to my wife and she refuses to take this GODLY advice and adjust her behavior what should I do? My wife is very confrontational and argumentative. She does not show me appreciation or respect. I went and checked the list for husbands and I fit that list well. I am in a marriage where my needs are not being met. I ignored this for 2+ years, but now that I realize our marriage is not Biblically correct I am very concerned. Divorce is now an option for me.
The reason why divorce is granted is when either of the parties has a hard heart. If she is not willing to change then I do not think I will have any choice.
I think your marriage will fare better and you will find more happiness and satisfaction in it if you will mentally take divorce back off the table and (re)commit yourself to loving your wife for better or worse. Rather than focusing on all the things that you think she should be doing that she is not doing, try focusing on the areas in which you yourself could stand some improvement. Look over my husband’s list, 25 Ways to Show Love to Your Wife, and do those things until they become a habit. Treat your wife with love and compassion and understanding, not because she deserves it, but because that is what God requires of you. Do it as a way to honor Him. He alone can change your wife’s heart, but He may be waiting to do that until you let Him change yours.
what about woman, we don’t need the same respect?, what if we do everything right but they don’t do their part? it’s no so easy being a couple…
One thing that is for sure is that if we’re focused on what our husband should or shouldn’t do for us, then we aren’t focused on treating him the way he should be treated. Love him, focus on him. He’ll respond much better to love & respect from us, than from arguing, complaining, & nagging. That’s just common sense. We aren’t responsible for how he treats us. We ARE responsible for how we treat him!
One of the two greatest commandments Jesus gave his disciples was to love you neighbor as yourself. Our neighbors includes our partner. And the golden rule is to do to / for others what you want them to do to/ for you. Take the lead in showing love and kindness. Love you enemy and pray for them. God’s council is perfect. He knows what we need to be happy and successful because he created us.
This is the most ridiculous thing I have read. What about the things a husband should do for his wife? Pretty much we should all be stepford wives and live by the hand of our spouse? What a load of crock.. If you dont argue with your husband, you dont resolve anything with your husband. Granted, there are some things on here that make sense. Like no cheating, be close with him, etc. my husband is my best friend
Thank you so much for this post. I have realized that I have not been respecting my husband, but unfortunately only after talk of divorce, separation, and a visit to a counselor. As a dedicated Christian, I wonder how I could have been so blind? When we talked about this, he simply said, “That’s just who you are. Everyone knows you tell me what to do, my friends, family, everyone says that my wife controls me.” I’m hoping that as rediscovering how our relationship is supposed to work, we will heal. It’s really sad that I could not even think of how to show him respect, and had to google it. Thank you for writing this.
Wow thank you thank you…I will be using this often and the bible verses are a plus for sure…we are newlyweds but been together off and on for 9 years but I want more for our marriage and I know I need a guide to help me achieve this and the bible and your scripture references will help me to be a great wife to my husband….
Jennifer, I am concerned about the top comment, here, regarding Joy. This jerk of an abuser just uses her more. Perhaps she should do all these spiritual things but also state to him what she does not like ( in life ) and what she will not tolerate. Something is off balance here with her relationship. And not your advise…..
Jennifer, I just stumbled upon your blog yesterday and have read thru many of the post, as well as your husbands. Debi Pearl’s book is one of my favorites that I have shared with many friends. I was married at the age of 18 and now at the age of 38 and many life lessons later, I can honestly say that had I been living this way from the beginning that my life would have taken a different turn. I cannot put into words the joy and fullfillment that I get from giving my husband this kind of love and respect. It allows him to love me the way that I desire to be loved and cherished. Thank you for this post.
thanks
I understand how many women would feel this approach is archaic however, I live by most of these rules and I live a very happy, very fulfilling life with my husband. I am a full-time professional who works outside the house. Our children are out of the house (we’ve been married 22 years) and there’s only the two of us. I’ve actually found him more helpful now that our youngest is moved out. Our marriage is based on mutual respect. I don’t immasculate him and he doesn’t try to suppress me. In public, he is the head of our household but we both know our marriage is equal. I agree it may not work if you don’t truly love and respect each other, though. I have a wonderful husband who didn’t have positive male role models but is the most amazing man I’ve ever met. I know for certain there is no in this world who could love me the way he does.
Good luck to those of you who try to implement a few changes. You’ll be amazed how much of a reaction you’ll get if you give a simple “thank you” for helping with some type of chore.
I don’t agree with much of this list. Particularly 10, 17 and 25. You should only have sex/hug/kiss whatever if you truly want to, not to please someone else. I certainly do not need to be at the beck and call of my man for his physical desires. Neither should have to perform physically unless they want to. I also think a person should dress how they want to, and if that involves dressing just for their husband so be it. As for the last point, why can’t the wife be the main decision maker? Men aren’t naturally better decision makers because they’re men.
Overall, this list just feels too 1950s subservience to me. Women and men should both be treated equally with dignity and respect. This list just feels like women only exist to please their husbands, which is not the case.
I am a very happily married woman and I absolutely agree with some of these suggestions. However, what ever happened with the idea of a woman dressing to please herself, of keeping a tidy house because that is the way SHE likes it… I’m all for respecting your husband, because I surely respect mine, but really ladies? And if you can’t complain out loud to your husband then who can you, (other than God of course)? This seems more like bowing down… And as far as #25… in our house we discuss things and then come to a mutual decision… If anything I get the final say… That’s just what works for us. I say do what works for you as a couple and a family and you will have a successful and happy marriage…
Yes thanks for the 25 ways to communicate respectfully,unfortunately none of this my wife is doing on me and it pain me thinking that im married the wrong person.she is a bonafied Christian who does not listen to anyone or take anybodys suggestions.
Nice to hear from a man. In africa this is what a woman is taught when getting married, but like all african traditions are being dissed for western philosophy, which is not particularty good for us or pays any respect for the almighty
This will always be my issue with these lists: your husband is supposed to love you, and you’re supposed to respect your husband? Where is the respect coming from your husband? Where is the love for him? We don’t have duties, we’re not coworkers. Marriage needs respect on both sides, and love on both sides. And yeah, if I’m not horny, I’m not going to have sex. So sorry if that offends.
I have found what works for me is when I show respect and love, it’s shown and given in return. If you’re the one who’s always waiting for someone to do it first, you may be waiting a long time.
One of the reasons for being specific on respect for men and love for women is: Women tend to feel respected when they are loved, men tend to feel loved through being respected. (And my husband and I have learned that there is a difference between sex and intercourse… 😉 Sometimes just the effort on my part to acknowledge his physical need for release truly means the world to him.)
I seriously offend like half of these things, so what do I do to change it? I have no idea where to even begin but I would like to be different so that I can have a peace of mind.
If your relationship is such that you can talk openly to your husband about this matter, then let him know that you realize there is a problem and that you are committed to change, have him read the list, ask which areas he thinks you should tackle first, and let him hold you accountable with a gentle reminder when you revert back to your old habits (which will undoubtedly happen until you are able to establish new ones).
If the communication with husband is not so good now, then prayerfully consider which areas are most in need of improvement, make a checklist of the ones you are going to concentrate on first (maybe just pick two or three at a time for starters), write out a plan as to how you hope to accomplish these, and record your progress each day.
For things like kissing your husband goodbye, your written plan might read: “Get up before time for him to leave, brush my teeth so my breath is fresh, walk him to the door when he’s ready to go, tell him I hope he has a great day, and plant one on him before he leaves for work.” Once it’s done, you can check that one off for the day, then forget about it until it’s time to do it again tomorrow.
Do the same for goals like praying for your husband, complimenting him, dressing in clothes and cooking meals he likes, etc. List them in a column on a piece of graph paper, put S M T W T F or write the dates across the top, and check off each one daily just as soon as it is done. Those are the easy ones.
For things like not arguing or nagging, honoring his wishes, remaining joyful and content, add those goals to your list, too, and do your best, by God’s grace, to establish new habits in areas of struggle, but don’t check any of them off until bedtime, then think back over the day. Did you remain joyful? Check that off and thank God for a day of victory in that area. Did you complain bitterly when your husband did something you didn’t like? Then leave the box by “don’t complain” blank for today, and try to do better tomorrow. Think through the situation that caused you to stumble and map out a plan — in your mind at least, or on paper if possible — of how you should have responded and the precise steps you will take next time you are faced with the same trigger to ensure that you react in the desired way.
This is the most effective way I know to exchange bad habits for good ones. If you are serious about making radical changes in the way you relate to your husband and you like to read, I would highly recommend the book The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. It is a broad book (not specifically about marriage, but certainly applicable to your situation) that is both fascinating and inspiring. If you aren’t up to reading the 400-page original, you might try The Power of Habit …in 30 Minutes, which is touted as “A Concise Summary of Charles Duhigg’s Bestselling Book.”
Start with one you think will be the easiest for you. It’s not always easy but like everything, it’ll soon become a habit and you’ll find you’ve changed. When you revisit the list, you may even find you’ve already started doing something else without even realizing. I don’t have the perfect marriage but I believe it’s as close as many can get. It takes both of us to keep it going but someone always has to be the first to initiate change.
Good luck!
Thanx
Truth be told, marriage is not the most important relationship in your life anyway. Far from it. The relationship you have with your children is the most important. That is where the real responsibility lies. Personally, I think a spouse has more to do with karma than anything else. It’s about lessons. So, in that respect, yes, marriage is important but it is not like the unconditional love you have for your children.
Our relationship with our children is enhanced and strengthened when we cultivate a loving, supportive relationship with their father. I do not believe in Karma, but I certainly believe the law of sowing and reaping. We should not be planting seeds of selfishness, bitterness, hatred, and disrespect if we are hoping to harvest a life full of love, respect, happiness, and contentment.
I think we can be different (which we definitely are!) but still equal. The fact that one is good at something and the other good at something else is proof of equality (IMO). THAT is where there should be a leader and a follower. We all have our God-given talents. When one spouse’s talent is needed then that person should be the leader in that situation. Gender doesn’t apply.
When I got married, I was told that if you treat your husband like a king, he will treat you like a queen. The more you show him love and respect, he will return it to you. I was also told, marriage is not 50-50. Marriage is 100-100. You give 100% and don’t worry about him. He sees you give your all, and he’ll give it his all. You do your best. It comes back to you. I learned these lessons the hard way. But it works and works well. Also, I’ve learned to kept my mouth shut. Or I should say, keep quiet. Sometimes he says or does something dumb, like all men. And I give him time to breathe. Then he usually comes back and either says you’re right or sorry and I just smile. Why argue? Sure, I speak up with the super important things, let my opinion known. When he was decided whether or not to go into business with famly, I told him that I thought it was a bad idea (in nicer words) but that he should do what he feels is right. I gave it time, didn’t argue, and within six months… new job and not speaking with his brother anymore. To which then he came to me and said I was right. Then found a better job.
Also, I found that when you leave your pre-conceived notions of men and women being equal, it helps. Men and women are not equal, they are completely different. One is not better, just different. Everyone has things they are good or bad at, and their partner is there to help.
I live in a home without yelling and screaming. (Only about doing homework.) My husband and I show respect for eachother and the children know it. When the kids go to visit their friends, they are happy to live in a home like ours’.
Sara, you are a wise woman in my humble opinion. The angry women just don’t get it. I am a husband of 20 years. There are always exceptions to everything, and circumstances that don’t fit the mold of a general conversation such as this. But in general, if a husband feels loved and respected, he will do ANYTHING for his wife. We will worship the ground you walk on. Men and women are not the same. To the feminists, yes, of course, a male being and a female being are of equal value to the universe. The “equal” thing that women whine about however is based on selfishness. I don’t know a happily married man that doesn’t put his wife’s needs above his own. “Equal” and “fair” is for sports teams; but that mentality has no place in a marriage. BOTH spouses should be selfless in their thoughts of the other.
We men are simple creatures. Most of us have very few, and very basic needs. They want to feel respected and desired by their wives. I truly think that if women stopped keeping points, and provided their husband with genuine love, desire, and respect…..they would look back in a few months and think, “wow, where has this amazing husband been”. Again, husbands will do anything for a wife that loves and respects them. If a woman’s husband doesn’t do everything he can to make her happy, you either A) Have a selfish husband that needs to be smacked, or B) You have not given him the love and respect that he needs. More often than not, it’s the latter. Men want to sacrifice themselves for their families. We often view our success as men with the happiness we can bring to our wife and children. Allow us to fulfill this for you. Respect us, desire us, and even romance us. Then you’ll get anything you want from us, and we will love every minute of serving you.
To the women reading this, if you will take only one thing from what I have said, please take this: You know how they say if you’re selling a car, the cheapest and fastest way to increase it’s value is a new paint job? Here’s the paint job for your marriage….Desire your husband. Look up the word. Look up the meaning. Desire him mentally and physically/sexually. It will change your life. I promise it will. It can turn a selfish man into a giving man. It can completely re-engage a husband who has become emotionally distant. It’s the number one thing you can do for us….more important than any other single thing. In fact, if you do everything else perfect but lack the “desire” portion of your marriage, forget it. Men need it. Women reading this can send me hate-mail if they want, but I would encourage you to “not shoot the messenger”. I speak the truth.
Wow, I sure went on a rampage….sorry. Again, Sara, great comments :}
Well, your eldest truly does sound like a beautiful soul! I totally respect what she has accomplished and bet she is a joy to be around. Good job, mama! My youngest daughter has autism and it is extremely important to me that she understands (somehow, some way) that she is just as valuable and important as everyone else…man or woman. And, there are a few things that you mentioned in your list that I wholeheartedly agree with. Don’t interrupt people? Right on! That applies to everyone and is just common courtesy. Resist the urge to correct? Amen! My husband does that to me all the time and in all honesty, I’ve done it to him too. And what does that accomplish? I get to be right while I make someone I love feel bad about themselves? So. Not. Cool. There are things we should all do for each other as decent, loving human beings. Everyone deserves respect. I think that’s what The Golden Rule is all about. And, hey, that’s the perfect segue into why I have such a problem with #25. It implies that the man’s view is somehow more important and how can you be doing for others as you would have them do for you if one person is “better”? I just don’t get that at all. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to post my feelings instead of censoring me because you disagree with my views, Jennifer. I totally respect that.
I think that #25 really means that many times (not my father!) the husband likes to feel that he is the one with the final say. But that the wife is there to help him come to that conclusion. My husband’s grandmother used to tell me to make him “feel” like the final say was his idea. But I like tohink that I help him there without being sneaky about it. When my son’s school closed and we needed to find a new school for him, my husband wanted one school and of course I wanted a different school. Without arguing, without nagging, I just pointed out certain aspects of who we are as a couple and a family. I let him talk to people. And think about it. I did firmly say, “I believe this is the right school, but if you feel the other school is right, we will do it.” But with that, he understood my respect for his decisions and where I stood on the matter. And “he decided” (we) on the school I wanted. And now, 1 1/2 years later is still happy with “his” decision. I mean, I have to add, I’m not one for confrontation or yelling or screaming. But, on little matters, I nod and smile. When something big comes up, and I really say something, he listens because I don’t just start in with every little thing. Anyway, I was once a feminist living NYC as an artist. Then I “saw the light”, life is happier and much more peaceful. Sometimes it comes back to me, like at carpool time. But with my relationship with my husband, in Hebrew, I have “Shalom Bais”, a peaceful home, I couldn’t ask for anything else.
I find this to be one of the most offensive, embarrassing pieces of junk that I have ever had the displeasure of reading. I don’t know if the writer has any daughters but if so, I pray that they have a strong female role model somewhere in their lives so they can learn how to respect themselves and not be their husband’s doormat!
Darn! I feel pretty bad upon re-reading my post. 🙁 While I DO mean what I said, I didn’t mean to sound so harsh about it. If the writer does have daughters I am sure she is doing the best she can for them as I am for mine. My apologies. I am passionate about empowering women so I get a bit riled up about these things.
Thank you, Cee. I accept your apology and appreciate your writing to offer it. As it happens, I do have daughters — four of them, ages 22, 13, 11, and 2. Only the oldest is out of the nest, but we are raising her sisters with the same values and worldview. Although you and I obviously disagree about what it means to be empowered as a woman, I cannot help but think you would approve of the way that oldest daughter has turned out. She was homeschooled for elementary, junior high, and high school, but graduated at 16, spent one summer studying political theory at Cambridge, another studying Spanish in Costa Rica, and another working as an Au Pair in Qatar. She attended a local junior college on full scholarship, where she worked as a biology lab assistant and tutored calculus and physics. She later transfered to Texas A&M and there taught supplemental instruction classes in organic chemistry before graduating Magna Cum Laude at age 20. She spent six months working with handicapped children in Nepal, then returned to the States to teach at college level for a year before beginning dental school, where she is currently. She is one of the most empowered women I’ve ever met. Her power comes from above, and it enables her to live a life of service to others with a heart of humility, full of love and compassion for those less fortunate. She is beautiful inside and out, and she is going to make an amazing wife and mother someday. The world needs more women like her.
Don’t feel bad, I agree with you whole-heartedly. And being direct & straight to the point doesn’t make you rude. You didn’t sound harsh at all 🙂 Just very sure of yourself.
Yes, some of these suggestions sound…one-sided. But, I think if you start with a respectful relationship where your husband is also thinking of you, these suggestions lose some of their edges. As I read these ideas I thought, “That sounds a little weird”. But, when I thought about it, they were things that I already do because my husband is my best friends and lover. Also, some of these ideas do seem to come from a “stay at home mom” perspective. I only work part-time so I still do the majority of the housework, but my husband doesn’t complain if I don’t get to everything every day. If I feel like I need extra help, I ask. The bit about sex seemed silly to me, but…I love to be with my husband. He needed to be a bit more understanding when we had babies and small children, but that time of our lives is behind us and we both have a little more time and energy for each other. Anyway, I think it comes from a good place with good foundation.
I couldn’t even read the whole thing. It made me so sad. It’s as if a woman can’t have thoughts or emotions that she can express. Be an intelligent, engaging, honest, moral woman
and that should be enough.
Behaving in a loving and respectful way towards one’s husband does not preclude being intelligent, engaging, honest, and moral. Nevertheless, those virtues alone do not guarantee a happy marriage. I have known several women who, despite having many other praiseworthy qualities, are decidedly and insufferably disrespectful toward their husbands, much to their shame.
Are their other “praiseworthy qualities” things like not gossiping about or judging others on a public forum? Go and find a scripture that says gossiping about, judging your neighbor, then cursing them with shame isn’t a sin. You’ll find lots about pride, that I can guarantee.
Naming names would be gossiping. Speaking in broad generalities is giving an object lesson — a lesson I’m hoping will hit a nerve in readers who share the same character flaw.
i could swear there was some bible verse about judging…and you exhibit no shame in doing so.
I couldn’t read the whole thing either, but that’s because my relationship chooses Honesty instead of faking happy. I also have a successful career. We work as a team to keep our home going and never place gender stereotypes on our children. This doesn’t fit for me, but its cool if others love the 1950s wife routine. Everyone is entitled to their own life. This isn’t mine nor is it a lot of people commenting, but to each their own.
As a former feminist, I have struggled with my nine year relationship with my husband. For a long time we fought about respect and honor in our house. I felt I was entitled to a lot, and so did he. At the end of our ropes and ready for divorce we gave our marriage to God. Willing to try anything, as our last try. That was nearly two years ago, and this is a concept I have just started to embrace. I fought it for awhile, saying things like, “it takes two” and “He should respect me first” But what I learned is that all I can do worry about is me, and my walk with God. If He tells me to respect my husband no matter what, and do it with a good attitude, and whole heartedly, than that is what I should do. We are to give respect to our Husbands because it’s in the bible, and the Lord will honor us for that. I appreciate this post, and I look at it often. I want to show my husband respect, even when he doesn’t deserve it, because not doing so is prideful. To think I know better than the creator of all things…its prideful, and showing Husband respect is in retrospect showing God respect. Thank you for posting this, and keep up the great work. You have inspired me, and many other wives! Thank you
omg this is the most redicoulus thing that i have ever read in my life.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously!
AGREE!! It’s one thing to be a good communicator, but being his slave is something else all together.
Sorry, but my world doesn’t revolve around him, and his shouldn’t revolve around mine, either!!
I wonder how many marriages some of these ladies have been thru that don’t agree with this!
Ladies, how can u call yourselves Christians if you don’t follow this simple advise?
Yes it works both ways
its sad that some people on here are saying that this stuff is archaic. you should expect your husband to do all the same for you. just because you do your best to make your husband happy, doesnt mean you are a door mat. when you get married do you say ” my husband and me” or do you say “we”? you are partners. you are now one soul. you do to him what you want done to you. you don’t want your husband to manipulate you, you want your husband to actually think about what you want and not just dismiss it, you want your husband to pay attention to you, you don’t like it when you are interrupted, you don’t want your husband pointing out your flaws, you want him to pray for you, you don’t want your husband telling you how to do your job, your husband should be thankful he has you, smiles do spread happiness, when you are rebuffed when you want some it makes you feel unwanted, what would you do if your husband was eyeing another woman? why wouldn’t you kiss your husband goodbye? it makes you feel special when your husband makes your favorite food, your husband should cherish every moment with you, i know every woman hates it when there husband whines about something. the last time my husband corrected my grammar, i gave him an ear full, i don’t like it when my husband doesn’t shave, so he shaves because thats what i like, i love it when my house is clean, and i sure as heck don’t mow the yard, you should be happy with what you have, when you give your husband your opinion, you want him to think about it. i love it when my husband compliments me. you get my point (this is too much to type) we all want this for ourselves, why shouldn’t we give the same to our husbands?
Right, it is sad that people are posting these things are “archaic”. The funny thing you said was that we should expect our husbands to do the same for us, well i have one thing to say about thar, “ha-ha”. Your one of the lucky ones where you have a “50/50” relationship and it all works out accordingly. Well let me just tell you there are men out there who are down right nasty people at heart. All the husband wants is for you to be quiet and make him food, as well as household chores and maybe you have to work too. No respect, no equality, so for what i have to say for myself is: I will Always stand up for myself and always keep what i think is true and right coming right outta my mouth. “teach him respect with no words” bahahaha.
Good verses to live by. However it takes two, to make the relationship work. You will end up feeling like a doormat if your husband doesn’t respect you or love you like he should. I did these things for years with an unloving husband. It just gave him more control and the emotional abuse led to me having a breakdown.
I agree with you 100%. In this day and age when women often times make more money than the husband, the husband needs to do things on equality. Love eachother, do not be fake because you feel it will make for a better marriage. A man needs to respect his wife, trust her and not always find fault with her.. Love her like she is the only woman on earth. Cherish her and love her especially if she has given you children. Cherish her always.. Love is not a one way street, it has two lanes with many intersections.. Be mindful in loving and respecting each other.
What does money have to do with it? Respect should be mutual.
I completely agree with that statement, however, Scripture does tell us that even if we have a husband who is not walking with the Lord, that we are to live by His example and do these things anyway. You must stop putting your faith in your husband to change and put your faith in God to change him.
This is sexist. Both men and women should impart these 25 tips into their relationships. A gender distinction should not exist.
Not impressed with this at all, while I think communication between a couple and good listening skills is essential and an integral part of a healthy relationship I think (and so does my lovely husband) that is is dated and just plain wrong. If you have to actively and consciously and somewhat unnaturally be prepared to do this everyday to keep your man happy then there is already a problem.
Very Happily Married warts n all!
Love this, saddened by all the negativity. Nowhere on the post does she say that the husband does not respond with the same love and devotion. 100% agree if more marriages were like this the divorce rate would be far lower. I try to do some of this already, but I know there are things on here that I should improve on. Thanks!
I think the women that have a problem with these principles are dealing with their own pride and lack of humility. I say that but I have a hard time doing these things when I feel that my husband has let me down, or makes promises that he doesn’t keep, or disrespects me in one form or another. I can tell you that a woman wants to be cherished and respected, and if she is, there is little problem following any of those biblical principles. If she isn’t (cherished and respected), she may form a root of bitterness that grows with each failed expectation until one day, the relationship becomes so damaged, it may be irreparable.
Thank you for this wisdom. I have seen some of the fruits of going against these words, and I always regret it. Thank you for encouraging us to walk with the Spirit.
With regards to your point above – “Dress to Please Him: Take care of your appearance. Choose clothes your husband finds flattering, both in public and around the house.” What if the dress that pleases your husband is ungodly, revealing and immodest – simply because it makes your husband feel good about having a “sexy” wife? God’s Word stipulates that a godly woman should dress modestly so as not to be a distraction to other married men – any comments in this regard?
Also, with regard to your last point – “Follow His Lead: If you want your husband to lead, you must be willing to follow. Neither a body nor a family can function well with two heads. Learn to defer to your husband’s wishes and let final decisions rest with him. (Ephesians 5:22-24)”. With particular reference to the last sentence of this point to let final decisions rest with him – what if a man constantly makes mistakes with/in these final decisions and never learns from his mistakes, to the detriment of the family? Any comments?
With regards to dressing modestly, I don’t think it is an either/or proposition. You can dress modestly in public and save the more revealing clothing (or no clothing at all) to wear in the privacy of your own bedroom.
With regards to bad decisions, I recognize that some men struggle with addictions and dangerous behaviors, and if the mistakes that he is making involve that sort of thing, then I’d recommend finding a good Christian counselor to help work through that situation.
Let’s make something very clear: respect is different than service.
If we’ll all take a moment to observe a marriage ceremony: the woman is not the one pledging all the service, love, and respect.
BOTH do.
I am a Christ-following girl, and in a great relationship. But, look: seriously.
Letting things go in an argument: love and respect.
Trying to ease his stress after he has a stressful day: love and respect.
Offering to do something for him to be helpful: love and respect.
HOWEVER: having a nicely dressed wife is not his right, sorry. (Now, why a woman WOULDN’T want to look nice for her man is beyond me, but that’s beside the point).
Being fed by his wife: ALSO not his right, sorry. (I personally find it extremely attractive when my guy wants to make me something to eat. Granted, it doesn’t always taste great, but then we laugh and I tease him.)
It’s called a relationship because it takes two people. Two to do some laundry. Two to wash some dishes. Two to take care of the kids.
Seriously, ladies, if he’s not willing to do at least some of the work: your marriage/dating relationship is in a world of hurt.
Wait, is this meant to be funny? If not, I think I’ll pray for HER.
it makes me sad in a country of free speech to see such bickering. Thank you for posting something to help people love each other better. We may not agree but we are free to do so. I’m encouraged mostly by Ruth Graham’s quote about a good marriage is two people that forgive one another. I love Jesus and my future husband and our goal is to love each other and take care of one another, to be on each other side. Coming from a fem background it was hard for me to humble myself to just cook dinner but that was something of pride in me that I’m dealing with not an overbearing man. He can cook too and does tons of other things for and with me. We are equal and different, beautifully different with different strengths and we chose to put them together not counter against one another. I think there is definite truth that not everything applies and we have a voice but its my prayer that we don’t marry men that would take advantage of that and not love us with the same devotion that we love them. I love the look on nick’s face when I tell him I’m with him 100% in a situation or decision, or when he ask my opinion which I freely give. We both decide to not nitt-pick but choose love over frustration. A book you all might like is “loving what is” by Byron Katie. Also the “5 love languages” is great too. We all have a lot of growing to do. I’m a strong woman wholoves a strong and gentle man. Good luck to all your marriages. My advice, talk and at all cost avoid correction and condeming. focus in what is good in your lives, what you love and admire about each other and if there isn’t anything, find something! Love humbly and love being a woman!
Thank you for posting this! We are to be our husband’s helpmeet! To love and respect him. Let HIM lead the home. That is God’s plan and design and the best way! Blessings!
I am a woman 24 years of age and although it might sound outrageous I believe your list is great. Is is from the older days and that is how things should be done. I work full time have two children smile pretty and get the house work done while my husband unwinds from his day. It is women that are lazy and too proud to even attempt to try to please their man in this way anymore and I regret to see just how bad it is. No wonder there are no more so called good men out there anymore look at how narrow minded the female race has become.
this is retarded. it sounds like you in the 1920’s where women had to shut up and do what they were told and act like they were happy even if they werent. if your husband doesnt treat you in the same way described above your no ones property or slave and shouldnt treat him with respect.
Great words of wisdom. My husband and I have been married for 14 years, it’s a second marriage for both of us so the odds were not good from the get go. We have managed to build a lasting, loving, respectful union, just by implementing many of these points, being kind to one another, and being completely committed to the commitment. It’s isn’t a cake walk, but God gets us through the rough patches. I respect him, He loves me…it’s a win/win for both of us.
Wow…..he left out daily foot and back rubs…mowing the lawn….scrubbing the floors…..getting his robe and slippers and pipe when he walks in the door……….. did someone tell him its 2012. Just treat everyone the way you wish to be treated and everyone should have all the respect they need without a manual! Geez I feel sorry for that 1950s housewife. Speak when spoken to and …..no pinterest for you!!
“He” didn’t leave out anything, Beth, because this article was written by “her” — that 1950’s housewife you feel so sorry for. Yes, it is possible to respect one’s husband and blog at the same time. And I also use Pinterest. In fact, I even have a “Love Your Husband” board. You can check it out here.
Marring the person God intended for you helps. It makes following these things like second nature. You find yourself wanting to do these things with out resentment. At least that’s how it’s been for me for last 5 years.
I just wanted to say that you reap what you sow. If you sow selfishness you will reap selfishness. If you want to receive respect you must first give it. This list is a great example of of how to show respect to your husband. Even if he doesn’t deserve it or show it to you does that mean you don’t show it to him.? Your kids don’t always listen and do the right thing but does that mean you don’t love them, no. So if you love your husband why would you not show him respect. As I was growing up and still to this day my father always says “you reap what you sow” how you treat others is how you will be treated. I for one would like to live my life showing love and respect to my husband everyday (wither he deserved it that day or not) because I want him to show me love and respect (even on the days that I don’t deserve it). How you treat your husband is how he will treat you.
Great comment, Amanda!
Marriage is supposed to be 50/50 Not a leader and a doormat. I did read the list for men and put seat down is something my 5 year old son knows to do. Loosen the purse strings for the man, that is laughable since I am better with money and he is the one with an allowance. If he is acting like a 2 year old I will either call him on it or treat him (or nag him) like a child. (I would expect no less if acted the same) Honor his wishes? —and have supper on the table when he gets home? He has two hands doesn’t he? Same with cleaning the house we split the chores. In my house there is no such thing as “women’s work” or “man’s work”. I just think that the list for the woman and man should be the same, all 50 should be a guide for men and women and then you would have something. Considering the Bible was written many hundreds of years ago and some of the stuff in there has become obsolete as well as times have and will change. There is no reason to subservient. Women are more than baby makers and bakers now. We have careers (if we want) and earn as much or more than them sometimes too. Women were not allowed to vote back about 100 years ago, either would you like to go back when we had absolutely no rights? Or did a man decide what the Bible could set aside and what to keep? I was raised Christian and my dad was a minister so please don’t think I don’t believe in God.
This is the STUPIDEST thing ive ever read. Im no ones slave and i dont kiss feet. My man should be kissing mine. Pathetic list..
These are very good GUIDELINES, not rules.
But, these guidelines are very 1950s-like and seem that we must bow down to our significant other.
A lot of women in this world today of 2012, do not have a 9 to 5 jobs, they are not stay at home mothers, and we are not weak beings.
We also have to think, there are a lot of men out there who LOVE to cook, who enjoy cleaning the house, and men do want a little action once in awhile. The men who think they are superior to women, need to know that they are not, women are equal to them.
Us as women can also thank them other ways and show that we respect them, such as taking interest in their hobbies or in their lives in general.
What I dislike about this list is that the men are the decision makers of the household, I am sorry but it takes two to tango, and two to make a decision that is best for the household.
Also, not every spouse has a day off together, I say women should take those days that you do not have off with your spouse to make him dinner one night (if he is the one doing all the cooking). And keeping the house clean, well both parties should keep the home clean inside and out since it was a decision that both of you made to buy, lease, rent the home.
I think this list is good if you want to be that 1950s cookie-cutter type of relationship, otherwise, I think we can incorporate most of these guidelines into our lives in some way or another and definitely switch up how it is being portrayed.
Thank you so much for these words of wisdom. I think every wife should try and put this into action cos the world is too negative minded. We need to read and hear more of these things. God bless you real good.
Great biblical advice!!!
My first reaction is the societal “no way would I do this stuff, I’m an equal, not a slave!” After reflecting on it, I can say I agree with most of these suggestions. Women have taken the fight for equality into a fight for dominance. I wasn’t raised with religion, and as a woman who came to Christianity as an adult, I find it a struggle to reconcile the female mindset that society condones, and the mindset God intended for us to have. The societal mindset is that if a man isn’t pampering a woman, then she’s not being treated as an “equal.” Women – admittedly, myself included – have become needy, spoiled, entitled, and disrespectful. A successful marriage is borne of MUTUAL love and respect. This is simply a list of ways we can break free of our sense of entitlement and serve our husbands. As they should also be serving us, out of love.
Thank you for these amazing words. It is a constant struggle in my relationship with my husband. I don’t realize how degrading I can sound towards my husband, how my huffing and puffing gets to his self-esteem, and how my expectations form a wedge in between us. The Lord works in all ways to His glory. If we aren’t willing to be servants towards our husbands, what does that say about our servitude towards our Creator and God? All of us are imperfect, but should that stop us from attempting to become more Christ-like through our service? Christ came from the highest of high, to the lowest of low. He CHOSE that. We also have a choice to become servants willing to be “walked on”, or high and mighty in our ways. You don’t find fullness in your soul from striving after the wind. Thanks again and God bless you.
But you out of anyone knows your spouse and what works for the both of you. Don’t try and do anything different just cause someone tells you its the way that a woman is supposed to be. I am agnostic and my beliefs do not affect my marriage thank you. Just because I am not a Christian does not make me or my marriage any less than anyone else. Just listen to one another and don’t be afraid to talk about the things that bother you. Your spouse is your best friend don’t let anything change that.
I see the comments about how modern women think its repulsive to respect a man these days but I have to say that is completely not true. Respect works both ways and a marriage is a partnership not indentured servitude. My husband and I both work 40 hour weeks and have three amazing kids. There is no way in hell a modern woman could do all the things on the list if she wanted to. I help him with the yard and he helps me to keep the house clean. We voice our opinions to each other and we our both headstrong individuals and we have arguments all the time. But that is all they are arguments we have never had an all out screaming fight and we always feel better after an argument because we both got to vent a little. We have been married now for almost 8 years and will be together for many more. Your partner married you knowing the best and worst about you trying to change and do all this just to please him will get old and make you a fake. Just be yourself. The person he met and fell in love with and treat him the same. We all change a little over the years but never enough to change who we are. Good luck to all of your marriages may they be as blessed as mine.
I strongly disagree with the vast majority of the comments on this page. In my view, there is nothing mentioned in this article that prevents a woman from being strong, independent, and well respected.. but rather that it actually helps them achieve this goal in a far more complete way.
While it does suggest acts of service- that hardly makes you a slave. In his final days, Jesus Christ himself spent his time serving those who didn’t deserve it- and if we are called to live according to his commandments, we ought to be doing this for everyone without complaint- and that includes your husband. It never says that you ought to let your husband disregard your needs, or take advantage of your compassionate spirit. Husbands are called to do just as much for their wives, and this article never claims that they aren’t– it just doesn’t mention them, as this particular list is to help a wife improve.
I don’t believe that respect, love, and compassion are ever out of date. Nor do I think that any amount of rights make it so a person, man or woman, is entitle to disregard them. I am only sixteen currently, and I am not married yet, nor will I be in the near future. However, when I do get married- it will be to a man who I love. And if I love him, doing these things won’t be a burden. They won’t make me feel used, or like I am a slave- because they will help make his day a little brighter. And I will know that in turn, he will do many similar things for me. An equal relationship isn’t built from both of sides neglecting to show love- but rather from both sides putting in the extra mile to make the relationship last. And this is a great guideline for the wife- as is the other for a husband.
I am very thankful to you for writing this blog, as it gives me an idea of what to look for in the future- in a society where that is not all that common. Your blog never fails to inspire me, and act as one of the only examples I know of a solid Christian marriage~ in a society in which that is not very common. So, thank you for sharing your insights- as they are helping to build my character, and prepare me for the day that I am ready to take these steps on my own. It’s a beautiful blog. (:
Thank you, Meg. I appreciate those sweet words of encouragement and pray that God will pour out his richest blessings upon you, including — when the time is right — providing for you a godly and loving husband and children who show as much wisdom and maturity at a young age as you yourself have in what is written above.
So well said, Meg! Your parents have obviously done a fine job bringing you up.
I really can’t believe a woman of today would even listen to this. I was a divorced single mom for 5 years before I met my second husband, I did a wonderful job and made all the decisions. I have 3 wonderful, smart, and caring children to show for it. I love my husband with all my heart, and though I do value his opinions, I do have a mind of my own. You have to work together, It’s an equal partnership.
Everyone keeps calling it submission to your husband but it is more the submission to God’s will for us as wives. We made that vow before Him and it is only right that we keep it. These rules aren’t archaic or outdated because God’s word is timeless. Our world isn’t in the state it is in because men stopped being men and women stopped being women but because we all stopped being the Lord’s bride. We have turned away from Him as a society and turned our lives, marriages, and futures over to the devil.
My husband and I have been married 34 years and love and respect each other. We are partners in our marriage. We make decisions together, relying on both our knowledge to come to the right one. Somethings he knows more about and somethings I do. We use our strengths together to get through our life. When I was not working our marriage was more traditional like above and when I went back to work when the children were older he helped more with things. At this point in our life my salary is higher than his and I provide the insurance for our family. This does not make me superior or him less of a man. He is partially disabled and can no longer work at his chosen profession. He does work 2 jobs to help with the finances and to provide for our retirement. I look forward to having many more years with this wonderful man. We both come from families with mothers who followed the 25 ways above. Both mothers also worked outside the home, one on the farm and one in business. Both our fathers felt respected and loved and both respected and loved their wives. My father-in-law just went to be in heaven with the love of his life who left us 10 years ago after 55 years of marriage and my parents just celebrated 56 years. Love and respect each other and happiness will follow.
I am a Christian, but I don’t feel that I am going against God’s will when my husband and I make joint decisions that affect our family together. We respect each other’s opinions and we make the final decision together – he doesn’t make it alone. We share the household chores and both work full time jobs. We share the care of our children. I respect my husband and find that many of these rules are relevant, but the tone of some of them is certainly outdated. Again, I don’t think this makes me a bad Christian or out of touch with the Bible. The Bible also says that women shouldn’t have short hair and, as someone mentioned before, condoned the use of slaves. Things change, and I don’t think that makes those who have a different view of what God wants in our marriage any less Christian than those of you who claim that equality has ruined marriage. My husband and I respect each other and support each other mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I don’t want to be on a pedestal – I want to stand beside him throughout our lives together.
It’s obvious that a man made this list. It doesn’t say once what the man should do in return if being treated like a king. Women need to be respected in order to treat their partner with this treatment. Life makes this impossible, people can’t live off of one mans income in the household.. Women have to work (because women wanted to be equal), therefore women have to be wives, mothers, husbands, workers, heads if household
I teach all of my children to be respectful. no matter if you are a christian or no you should still respect your husband and he you. The above statements are not about being a doormat or not, more of a guideline as to ways your husband might appreciate. instead of whining why not look at your marriage and see if some of these would strengthen your marriage.
I agree with mommyof4. I think this is a great guideline that BOTH husband and wife can and should follow. My husband and I are both equal partners in our marriage and he has no problems “keeping the house tidy” with me. I’m happy to exam these statements to see if it would help us be better for each other (and set a good example for our child), but I will also print it out so he can see how he can reciprocate.
I find this article to be a way to brush things under the rug. Really? A wife that does everything in the household should as think of herself once and awhile. If he can’t understand you had a rough day then he expects too much. I really am not eating his favorite meal 2-3 times a month. I’m lucky to eat mine once a month. If the kids are taken care and the house is in good shape (no perfect because no one is living then), then he should be happy. Just because you are in the same room doesn’t mean you are spending time with him. I always laugh with my husband after a long day that we having spent anytime with each other even though we were always within 10 feet of each other. A good marriage would never last doing this. As women, we can’t always be the ones doing things. We deserve just as much done for us if not more. As much as this sounds like the 50’s way of doing things, what happen to letting the men chase us. Women chase men too much this time and age.
I am sorry that there are so many mean comments about this article. What ever happened to saying a person disagrees without insulting the other? I feel sorry for them. I think their negativity is based on fear. No one I know is a doormat.
Wow! I feel sorry for those who are blind to what this is about. God has very strong descriptions of what a man (Head of household and accountable to God) and a woman (Proverbs 31) are to be in his eyes. But, it goes further than this. We were created in Gods image. Although we are human and sin every day, we are to ask forgiveness and continue to strive to be the man or woman we are to be in Christ. When you are married, this Godly transformation must start the day the two become one, if not before. The suggested points listed here are not intended for women to roll over in total submission without the husband doing his part. The Bible does say “women submit to your husband”, but if you will read just a little farther it says for “husbands to live with their wives..and show her honor” It does say “weaker”, but I believe that is in reference to bodily stature, wherein most women are not as strong as a man. Men need a strong woman to be their help meet. A team! So to say it is sexist to uphold your husband with respect only speaks out of ignorance. The Bible goes on to say “ALL of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit.” If we spent more time living Gods word and less time accusing others and fighting for our own recognition and glory, we would all see what God see’s in us. Don’t believe me….. Read 1Peter, chapter 3. It is in black and white, spoken by God.
Great for all you female activist. Rag on a woman who has found happiness in a way that is fitting for her. So what is your end goal for total legally bona fide equality. Curse anyone who finds a system that complements the strengths of both them and their partner… Personally when my wife is in a period of practicing respect I think about her more often, I work harder, in other words I show my appreciation more. To me EQUALITY doesn’t mean “okay you make this decision then I make this decision”. No two people are exactly the same so in any situation one or the other will have more experience or more capacity to provide the best solution (make the best decision). I have more experience with managing money and making ends meet. I also am more conscientious of safety etc. So when it comes to making those decisions I expect that my voice carries more weight. However I will always listen to my wife’s idea. When it comes to decisions concerning travel, style, even my career choices are strongly dictated by her. Too often when we go against the other’s more qualified advice do we end up in a bad situation. Plus the other is upset because their intelligence was written off.
Just because one couple finds equality in the ways mentioned above doesn’t mean this is consistent for everyone. But to say that equality only means apples to apples even authority to make decisions is preposterous. Get this… Black people and white people should be equal. However, you take two employees one black on white. Both are candidates for two management positions. Would you combine the positions and make them co-managers? No, you would make either manager of the department that they were more suitable for. In my home we have two management positions which oversee specific departments. Some decisions are outside of both of our expertise and we make those decisions together (in reality one of us usually just defers to the other after their opinion has been heard).
Congrats to this woman for finding equality within her marriage. Chances our if you are truly happy as well you have found equality applicable to the strengths which you posses. Great if you and your partner share experience and expertise in similar areas.
Bottom line marriage is not between men and women… It is between a man and a woman.
This is for all the stupid people criticizing this article. Of course you’re equals. It has nothing to do with equality. Of course your husband should respond to you with consideration as well, but this website is not for husbands it’s for wives. It’s all about decent consideration for someone’s needs besides your own. It makes me gag to think of what your husbands have to live with!
My husband lives with a sexy, confident, funny, intelligent woman. A great wife, mother and friend. We laugh, workout, help each other with this life we have chosen to take on together!
Your husband’s wife sounds a lot like my husband’s wife 🙂
I am a husband, and I am a believer in God. I would just like to point something out, In the beginning,God did not take a bone from a mans head soshe can be above him, or did he take the bone from his feet so he can step all over her. He took a bone from his side in order to create the women. Which means they are equal, meant to work side by side. I love my wife and most of the list above I think is good for the husband as well. Only difference is wife respect the husband and husband love your wife. Men and women are different. Like with love and respect men and women also communicate differently. Example, I have nothing to wear? Said by a man, most of times not all the times, means he has no clean clothes. ( there are some exceptions) for a women it means they have a closet full of clothes but not the right outfit for that occassion. The other thing is someone must LEAD. I am not saying I am the leader do as I say. But as a good leader you know your strength and weakness and a good leader listens to objection and does not mind giving power to someone else to lead or take on that project, but that leader is still the leader. Example: My wife is much more better dealing with the money in our household than I am. So she handles the money. Where I am weak she is strong and where she is weak I am strong. Both husband and wife should have a common goal. I want the best for my wife and my family and my wife want the best for me and our family. Like in a major company you have a table of executive but some one is leading or steering the ship. Please hear my heart not trying to be disrespectful but God placed someone to lead. Have men abused their power in the past, present and future, YES. Is it right NO. I just believe there must be balance and sometimes I have seen people over compensate as well.
Jennifer – One more thing. I would love to be part of a discussion group of women who get it and really want to work on this stuff. I appreciate your blog, and taking comments, but I find it tiresome and unhelpful for those of us interested in learning these wifely skills to have to read through the angry comments – and it doesn’t give me the support I would like. Do you know of such a group? I do not do Facebook, but a Yahoo group or some such?
Thank you again, Barb
Barbara, I moderate a Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/love.your.husband.yourself) devoted to that very purpose, but as you do not do Facebook, it will not help you (yet). You might check out the list of “My Favorite Blogs” near the bottom of the sidebar on the right. They are all full of wifely encouragement, and many of them have more consistently positive comment threads. You might also check out Time-Warp Wife’s Titus Tuesday Link-Up or some of the other weekly link-ups (also listed in the sidebar). Many of them feature Christian bloggers who are just getting started and are very appreciative of comments and eager for discussion on their linked-up articles. I’m afraid I do not know of any Yahoo-type groups that fit what you’re looking for, but that certainly doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Readers? Where do you go to encourage and to be encouraged by other women who “get it”?
All the hateful and angry replies just confirm to me how lost these women are. I have been married 33 years, happily I thought, but when my husband said a couple years ago he had considered leaving me because he didn’t think he could face living with me anymore God really slapped me in the face with the truth! That was that I had been secretly at war with my husband all those years, while believing we had a “good” marriage. I had been “standing up for myself” as a woman! We had an “equal” marriage! Great! But my husband didn’t feel cherished, and neither did I. We were both secretly lonely and on the defensive. All this going on underneath the surface; and neither of us aware of the damage it was doing.
Suddenly God opened my eyes and I saw it truly was all up to me as the woman to recover from my liberated upbringing and learn from scratch how to love my husband, just as he is, as a man, and to be thankful for him every day, no matter whether he deserves that or not. All I can say is that the results have been miraculous and I will spend the rest of my life encouraging younger women to get off their high horses and learn to love their husbands!! The rewards are so worth it!
Thank you so much for this list. I will also be getting your book and passing it on to my older girls, and anyone else I can think of. We need to spread this knowledge far and wide for the sake of our children and grandchildren. God has suddenly opened my eyes to the dynamics of so many hurting marriages, and it is always the same story. People are so selfish and so good at hurting each other!
As my husband commented when he read the above list “But that’s all just common sense. It’s how we are supposed to treat everyone!” Duh!
Blessings on your work and your family, Barb
I love the previous comment by Elaina.
I think what some people are misunderstanding here is that doing these things by no means makes you “unequal.” It doesn’t make you a doormat, it doesn’t make you weak, and it doesn’t mean you allow yourself to be abused. This is the way it used to be when women were prized, valued, protected, and completely cared for. In return, the woman did these things for her man out of love, appreciation, and yes, respect. The woman was not “lesser,” the woman was on a pedestal, and damned if she didn’t take herself down from there with all this “equality” talk. Now where is modern woman? She is a sex object, a piece of meat, a true doormat. Not only is the modern woman unequal in the workplace where she will not receive the same wages as a man in her same position, but now she is also expected to earn her keep in the home by balancing a career, kids, AND home making. What modern woman did for herself is irreparable damage. Call it progress if you like, but I know I’ll stick with the old-fashioned way and let my man put me back on my pedestal where I belong.
I’m sorry but women didn’t used to be prized…they were bought and sold by fathers to suitors. They were bargaining chips. They weren’t valued beyond what they could offer their fathers and husbands. They could have no interests beyond cooking, cleaning, taking care of children, and being objects of gratification. Women were not put on pedestals, they were not treated like goddesses or worshiped… they were put under men’s feet. Domestic abuse was seen as something acceptable, almost expected, in the home.
I will take my freedom to choose my own path, to follow my dreams. I will take the freedom to not shackle myself to raising children I don’t want but are expected of me simply because I am a woman. I will take an equal place beside my husband who accepts my flaws and short comings because he knows I am a human being and I deserve to be treated and respected like one just as he deserves the same. And I will never let anyone tell me that it is better to be placed on a so called pedestal and give up control of my own life. I will make my own place in the world, not have someone else put me in one.
You believe that life was somehow better for women when they were only expected to stay in the home and be good little wives but you say that without thinking of all the freedoms you would have to completely and utterly give up to do so. Would you really give up every right of individuality? Every right to having your own voice and thoughts? People like you make me weep for humanity.
I agree w/ you 100%. When was the last time you saw a man open a door for a woman??? or put his coat down for her over a puddle of water so she does not get her gorgeous shoes wet???…women have unleashed the “dominant/independant woman” monster who needs no “Hero” or “Night in Shining Armour” to come to her rescue!!!
True beauty in a woman emerges when she stops needing someone to come rescue her. My husband will opens doors for me. I appreciate it when he does, but I don’t expect it. I think you will find that a lot of women don’t need “a hero”. The strength lies in being your own hero. Because men will leave. They will cheat. They will die. Depend on yourself and you become infinitely more attractive to the opposite sex. Men don’t want women who can’t deal with life on their own.
What this article doesn’t say, is that if we communicate respect to our husbands they will in turn communicate love to us.
Don’t get caught up on every word in this list, take the good ones and apply those. For me its: 22. Don’t speak badly about your husband to others, and 21. Compliment him. and 17. I still like to put on a little mascara before he comes home 🙂
I know my husband feels respected and loved when I do these.
Mrs. Flanders’ recipe for marital success is precisely the way God intended. Believe it or not naysayers, God intended that men and women have specific roles in life. We should all seek to put the needs of others before our own. When we do, we will see that we will find ourselves fullfilled, satiated and full of God’s peace and joy. I’m learning this more every day.
Wow I am shocked. Women hating their own sex. We can be equal in relationships and still be good people. My parents are very happily married and have been for 30 years. Both work, both do house and yard work together, have equal weight in family decisions, and taught their children (boys and girls) to be respectful of people. It seems some people think women are either submissive to their husbands (good wives)or they are bad wives. My parents are my shining example (who are both christians by the way) of what a great equal relationship should be. My dad would be disappointed if I wasted my potential by letting my husband make all my life decisions.
Also those talking about the bible, the bible can be interpreted in many ways. There are many many things in the bible we no longer practice (slavery for instance) so please don’t use that argument anymore.
I just don’t feel the hatred……??
Kathryn, I’m with you on this! Equality in a marriage is liberating to both, the husband and the wife. John and I have been married 41 years and we SHARE both the wonders and the tragedies in life. No one’s opinion matters more than the other and neither of us blindly submits to the other. We have learned to respect each other for the individuals that we are and celebrate the couple this has allowed us to become. No person, husband or wife, should ever feel it is their ‘obligation’ to act like someone they are not. ‘To thine own self be true’ and you will be able to truly love each other.
Some men don’t respect women because of the way most in our society act which makes me disappointed in women in today’s society. What I don’t get about women is we are so jealous of one another. If you are an attractive woman you are disliked by the crowd of women as soon as you walk in until they get to know you and realize you are not a threat. Women wonder why men don’t respect us cuz alot of women act trashy and think it makes them cool and desirable. I get women who hate women who act so sexual and flirty and use their looks to get attention from men but not all women are trifling. If women would stick together and love one another and not go after married men or men that are in a relationships then there would be no need to be jealous of each other cuz we would know we all got each others back and it would stop all these affairs cuz men would have no where to go except home…and yes I am married and no my husband doesn’t cheat on me so I am not speaking out of bitterness. It is just an observation so take it or leave it.
I am astonished at all of the critical and angry responses I have read to lovely Mrs. Flanders 25 rules. I actually don’t understand why anyone took it that way. I am 24 years old, unmarried and agree with 100% of what she said. I grew up in modern day America and am smart enough to see that when women insisted on becoming “equals” with men, they forfeited nearly everything that made them special, sweet lovable etc. They are no longer really anything to protect and cherish, because they won’t BE protected! In the process of their “liberation” they have turned themselves into a lot of power-hungry monsters that storm through life, proud to be dragging some poor man in their wake. I am sickened when I see most marriages today, or even when I watch a “relationship” and see the young man taking from his sweet little girlfriend exactly what he always took from his feminist mother: “You’re nobody, your worthless, you’re only here cause I want you here and at any moment I could drop you, so do as I say or else!”
It’s tragic.
I am of the opinion that someone, somewhere, should start campaigning for all the men. They are the ones who are actually abused in today’s society.
Well done girls! You’ve pretty much succeeded in making babbling idiots of most of our male population. They can’t be men. They’re not allowed to be.
It makes me awfully mad because I despair of ever evening meeting a real man. They sort that hasn’t been so emasculated that he can’t even hold his head up in the grocery store.
Men were men, when women were women. Start mixing up the two roles and you get a crazy society where nobody has any idea who they are.
Actually they have, Google Mens Rights Movement, more specifically look up a youtube channel called girlwriteswhat. She raises some very good points and I have noticed it is not automatically regarded as misogyny as this is straight from the brain of a lady.
I just watched girlwriteswhat’s clip on marriage and found her to be very articulate and insightful. I’ll look forward to viewing more of her other talks in the future. Thanks for sharing the link.
We live in a society that is run by men. Women are not wrong for wanting to see change in how they are treated. A woman wanting to be equal to a man does not make her any less special/sweet/lovable. I don’t know who you are watching that makes you think that women treat men as worthless objects, but I know that I’m surrounded by strong women who respect their significant others-but also respect themselves. You are refusing to see the beauty of living in a society where women can make decisions about their bodies, and make equal pay for equal work. I am also a young woman, and I am excited to be living in a time when women stand independent of the men in their lives.
Amen Sister!
I am a man. I am not religious at all. I am modern, fair minded, articulate, generous, educated and very much a supporter and caring person toward women. I am not a mysoginist and believe in ‘equality’ fwiw.
I will never get married. I have little or no interest in pursuing the vast majority of women that I meet. I have little tolerance for a womans ‘moods’ and temperaments. I strongly believe that women have become greedy, insensitive, foul mouthed, money hungry, alcohol consuming vampires.
Where does this leave me? Lonely? To a certain extent but I can handle that. Disappointed? Of course, you would be too if every apple you bit into had rot inside it. Bitter? Actually no. I won’t let myself become that.
So what am I on my own?
Incomplete. Drifting. Unexcited. Unfulfilled.
If women could STOP playing the PC, public relations, political rubbish that is force fed into our brains by the media, and concentrate on their strengths as a woman, and realise that a lot of what the writer says in her article is NOT demeaning, NOT out of date, NOT submissive bs to women in general, then, I and other men I know like me, may once again be able to just be. Ourselves.
A man, who wants to, and can, loves a woman for who she is.
A woman.
Unfortunately sir, what you say is true. 🙁
Right on Dave.
I agreed with absolutely every “guide-line” you mentioned in the post and I loved that each one had a verse to back it up. Respect is SO important to men. My dad is not someone that is easy to respect… In fact, he is quite the opposite. But God doesn’t say to respect someone only if they earn it or deserve it, He says “honor your father and mother”. AND He also says for wives to submit to their husbands and respect them- period. I believe women SHOULD respect their husbands whether they deserve it or not- as an act of obedience to GOD. I just read a book called “Love and Respect”- totally changed my perspective on the area of respect… I’m 21, but I can already say that i wish I would’ve understood how important respect is and what it looks like. THANK YOU for sharing this post- always a good reminder 🙂
“I believe women SHOULD respect their husbands whether they deserve it or not- as an act of obedience to GOD.”
Ooooh, now that’s going a bit too far. That’s just asking to be abused. If a man does not deserve respect, then I wouldn’t respect him just because G’d said so. I think that is taking an interpretation of the Bible a little too far.
The comments greatly show where all ofthe derision lies in society.
Remarkably different from what you have been told, it is *not* women who are receiving poor treatment. It is the men.
The fact that so many women here take offense to a list that teaches them to actually be nice and treat their husband with love shows all of us the only thing we need to know. There are plenty of women available in the US, but there are just no wives or any woman suitable for a relationship. At best they are just for a romp in the hay.
So True………. 🙁 🙁
Haha…At least the feeling is mutual! 😉
Dang ladies, goes to show ya the thought of being respectful to a man is repulsive to “modern independent women”
And momma wonders why I never bring a nice girl home, I CAN’T FIND ANY!
You comment made me chuckle, but sadly it’s so true that it really isn’t funny! 🙁
I feel so sorry for the young men of my generation because when you look around you, there really aren’t any nice girls out there. Certainly not any that a young man with half a brain would want to tie himself to.
No, the girls have made a REAL mess of this country! And boy, the men of old were sure silly to ever give them that chance! When I look around at our society, I am ashamed to be a woman. 🙁
I’m ashamed that you’re a woman, too.
I think I just died a little inside. This looks like something from the 17th Century–isn’t this 2012?
Yeah, some of it is still relatable, but a good 93.7% of it is garbage. This is the 21st Century. A woman is an equal, not a mindless doormat.
Thank you so much for this. My husband said he wants a divorce and that its not me its him. He just never fell in love, but after reading this i can really see that i have not been fair and alot of this is my fault. I love him dearly and dont want to lose him.
Kelly. First, i am deeply sorry to hear that you are going through such a devastating time. Please know that i will pray for you and your marriage. Secondly, it is not too late to save your marriage. There is a book that was written exactly for your situation. I think you will even find quotes from spouses ready to leave that sound exactly like what yours said to you. It is called Love Must Be Tough
written by dr. James Dobson. He is a Christian writter and bases his work on the Bible. He will lay out for you exactlty what to do to keep your spouse. My marriage almost ended in 2009. His book saved my marriage. Please read it as soon as possible before talking to your husband about his desire to end it. Everything you do right now will either push him farther away or bring him back. He believes in wives submitting to their spouse and says so in his book, but absolutely do not panic and get clingy and beg him to stay, a natural reaction by the way. And while you should immediately start following the advice of the article quietly, absolutely do not present him with a list of all of the areas you think you need to improve as his wife. Until you can get his book, try to be as calm and unemotional as you can, I know that is hard, and tell him that while you hope he will stay, you want what is best for him and if he thinks that means leaving,he is free to go. Then keep your emotionsat bay, and keep him guessing at what your thoughts and feelings are by not sharing your every thought and deed. If he starts to wonder if he might be loosing you instead, you will be surprised at how quickly he puts the breaks on. But he will test you, so get the book. And lastly,don’t call him 15 times a day. Don’t call him unless he calls you and keep the coversation short and brief. Good luck.
Kelli – I am praying for you and your husband. I agree 100 percent that it is probably you. I don’t mean that in a condemning way, but I think that women are generally the initial problem, and don’t even realize – and neither do the husbands! We didn’t. Luckily God opened my eyes in time and it has been a miraculous transformation! May God bless your efforts. Another book I strongly recommend, though it is tough and pulls no punches, is Created to Be His Help Meet
by Debi Pearl. Debi is not the most diplomatic, and you may not agree with everything, but she lays it on thick and I guess I really needed that. I needed to be grabbed by the back of the neck, and that book did it for me. Disregard all the criticism of the book floating around. If it speaks to your situation God will use it.
I would be glad to correspond if you wish.
Blessings, Barb
This list was clearly made for a wife who doesn’t work outside the home. More than 70% of women do, so I think the cooking and cleaning parts are ridiculous. It should be a team effort. This list makes working mothers feel bad that they can’t accomplish all these things.
Working full time with small children is hard enough without some ridiculous list to make men think this is what you “should” be doing.
And I read the list if what husbands should do for their wives… And it was kind of lame. It wasn’t nearly as detailed… And didn’t mention that men should do half of the cleaning, cooking and childcare.
You can’t possibly think it’s fair for a woman to work outside of the home and do all the crap on this list. Unbelievable!
I really like this! I do agree that men and women need to be equal in the home. But sacrificing and serving are the way we grow and learn together. Communicating respectfully is how to avoid becoming “walked-over”. Respect is becoming a lost courtesy and we should stand up for it no matter what you believe!
After reading the responses to these suggestions, I can really understand why the divorce rate is over 50%! If BOTH partners treated each other there would be a lot more happy marriages!!
This is the most ridiculous load of crap I’ve ever read! This list is an example of why women are not treated as equals to men. According to this list, it is a woman’s job to make meals, keep up a home, and allow her husband to be a lazy, ungrateful ass all while she makes sure she is sexually appealing to him. What a joke! I am a working woman who is also the bread-winner in my home. My husband and I divy up the workload around the house so neither of us is resentful of the other. Respect is not earned by acting like a maid, or slave, so women should disregard this ridiculous list!
Yes! I totally agree!
This is beautiful. I already do most of these things. My husband and I have a wonderful marriage. We’re approaching our 20th anniversary. We both treat each other with love and respect. I in no way feel like a servant. I do these things because I love him and he loves me. For those of you that don’t agree with these suggestions, go back and read the bible. It is all about loving people and putting others needs above our own. Don’t knock it till’ you try it!!! 🙂
The Lord is very clear in His expectations regarding how husbands and wives treat each other. The list is spot on. The critics above simply have not studied the Lord’s commandments. His expectations on the husband are equally demanding. They include amoung others: unconditional love regardless whatever the wife would ever do (at any point in time – ever), demonstrating the heart of a servant 24/7/365 whether he feels like it or not, cherishing his wife ever minute of his life until he leaves this earth (that’s EVERY single minute), and up to and including laying down his very life for his wife if it would ever be required to protect her. Yep, sounds like the wife is really being taken advantage of here! (Please note heavy sarcasm in the last sentence.) If both spouses would embrace the Lord’s commandments, the level of joy in their marriage that they would experience would be beyond anything they could have imagined. As a husband, I am profoundly happy that my wife does practice the list above. It is my responsibility to ensure that I also follow the commandments that God has laid down for me. A marriage is a giving relationship. This is what the Lord intended. We should be more focused on how we are giving instead of what we think we are not getting. God knows what makes a successful marriage. He invented it.
I guess God made it so his chosen people, the Catholics, Lutherans, atheists and agnostics have, tend to have successful marriages.
http://divorce.lovetoknow.com/Divorce_Statistics_by_Religion
Your link references a Barna Group study, but misrepresents the data collected. The most recent numbers I could find indicate that Evangelical Christians enjoy a significantly lower divorce rate than the general populace (26% of the former have experienced at least one divorce, as opposed to 33% of the latter) — although those numbers are still admittedly high. It is also worth noting that born-again Christians are more likely to exchange marriage vows in the first place, with 84% marrying as opposed to only 65% of atheists and agnostics. It’s impossible to divorce if you never tie the knot to begin with.
Thank you for sharing. Respecting my husband is a learning process for me everyday. It seems he loves me like any man should love his wife daily. With the ways of the world out there respect is not something that came easily to me in the beginning. I just want to say thank you and I’m praying Gods blessing for you and your family.
I found I do a lot of what you have listed. I don’t believe in being doormat, but an equal to my husband. I am so lucky to have a wonderful man in my life. We treat each other with respect and love. It has worked for nearly 27 years and we expect it to continue for many more. If your husband is not respecting you in return, your marriage will not last. If we all just chose to do what works for our own union there will be peace, love and happiness. Not all of us can do everything on the list, but that is okay.
im sorry but there is nothing wrong with the above i believe equality for men and women but really what is wrong with this ….and also as women should do this men should do this too .Why do women these days think they dont need a man or they have to show attitude towords men .This doesnt mean you are a slave i believe it does depend on a man if a man treats you not in a positive way i wouldnt do all this for him no way but if he is loving caring respects you and everything else then i would
You are an honorable and selfless woman. Beautiful list and beautiful family! I too am saddened at the negative comments. Women have lost their way in our society. Submitting to a man in love is not slavery, it just takes maturity and understanding of who we were created to be.
“Lost their way”? So I’m the breadwinner, very successful professional, strong in character and morals, and I’ve lost my way because I don’t think it’s right that I should have to run home to my husband (who doesn’t work) and make him dinner? Get out of the house much? Have you missed the last 40 years where we’ve fought for our freedoms? You must really hate yourself and your gender.
I feel sorry for your husband, you are manlier than he is…
I love this. This is how it should be. It makes me sad to see the comments calling this sort of love and devotion archaic. It doesn’t make me a slave in my marriage…it sets us both free.
Wow, did we regress back to the 16th century.
Wow, I’m glad I married a human being and not a submissive doormat. Sure, she does all this for me… but I do it all for her too because I’m her husband, not her master. Go figure, that’s what can happen when you don’t let God tell you what your marriage should be.
# 10 alone made my skin crawl. shame on you.
good xristian wifey? i am thankful i am both non married and an atheist.
assuming that the male side is balanced and mentally healthy as to not take advantage of the bowing and scraping sends out the wrong message.
So why are you commenting on this website? It’s clearly not for you.
Why not just grow bristles on your back so he can wipe his feet on you?
well said, i would sooner live alone than like that
The Holy Spirit will help wives love their husbands.
What a crock. Your husband is your EQUAL. Treat him as such. Period.
I just vomited in my mouth at the thought of my daughter reading this.
No kidding! I love my husband but I am not his slave.
There’s a very big difference between being someone’s slave and employing the attitude that is outlined in this blog article. Slaves don’t have a choice to serve their masters. Submission by a wife is not servitude, in the sense you are attempting to use it. I CHOOSE to submit to my husband BECAUSE I love him. This does not mean he has the right to walk all over me, because the bible commands him to love me as Christ loves the church. It is equal, as my husband and I are both equal in God’s eyes, however it is part of a woman’s biblical calling to be a help-mate to her husband. Love it not just an emotion but an action and a choice. And it’s offensive to me that women think to serve your husband in love and respect is just slavery and being walked all over. There cannot be two heads in a family, and I’ve seen MANY families be destroyed over this. Women want this loving, respectful fairy-tale of a husband who treats them wonderfully at all times, but they don’t want to show the same type of reverence in return; that is not equality. This article is not old fashioned, she is making clear points that ARE in the Bible, so I would challenge any woman who is responding on here in offense and claims to be a Christian to examine what the Scriptures have to say on this topic as that should be our final authority in all things, not the opinion of other women, or our own self-serving emotions (which we all have).
Very well stated, Kara. Thank you.
THis looks like something from the 50’s. I can relate to some of it but really if women want equality, we have to demand it and that starts with our husbands. I acted like this when I first got married 35 years ago and now my husband walks all over me. I didn’t demand he stop what he’s doing when a meal was ready, I was expected to have one but keep it warm. I never called him on things he did that I didn’t like and now he gets mad if I do. My daughter learned from my mistakes, she calls her husband on things and they have a wonderful marriage.
Nobody walks all over you unless you let them. You may have acted like this in the beginning but your husband did not hold up his end of the relationship. Communication is important and to not sweat the small stuff. You shouldn’t have to demand anything just expect it. This is true in any relationship. It is sad that women can’t appreciate themselves first and realize the goodness in them. It is only then that you are free to have a true and honest relationship w/ anyone. This is true whether you are Christian or not.
The female nazi movement has really effected marriages negatively over the years, I was one and still struggle with the whole equality thing therefore I really need to humble myself as the Lord asks of me and not be so rebellious (In our marriage we are one in Spirit)….. you will have problems by not applying God’s word. It’s not like He said it for no reason. God made us, don’t you think He knows best?
Not saying human nature hasn’t taken advantage of this concept. But, if your both loving the Lord, you will be in unity and as equals.
Women love naturally therefore God commanded us to respect. Men respect naturally therefore God commanded them to love. If one is not doing what is commanded of them it becomes a roller coaster.
Ephesians 5:33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
1 Peter 3:1 In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, 2 as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.
“Women love naturally therefore God commanded us to respect. Men respect naturally therefore God commanded them to love.”
I wish this were true . . . from watching others and struggling with this sometimes, I don’t find it to be true.
Christian or not, I see many, many men who don’t respect their women. Christian or not, I see many, many women who don’t love their men.
I find it terribly offensive that a woman would use the term “Female Nazi”. Talk about a lack of respect for your “sisters”.
I’m sorry. This is just funny!
Agreed… its pathetic and degrading to woman. Keep the house tidy? Don’t argue? Respond Physically? Please…
some of it sounds okay, but what about being equal, i dont think God put us on this earth to simply serve our husbands and obey them. He gave us a mind of our own, thats one of the things my hubby loves about me, i have my own thoughts and ideas and i voice them, not rudely, usually, but i am a strong independant person, who is a Christian woman and doesnt feel like i have to constantly be pleasing him, worrying about how he feels and what he wants. its a partnership, it has to be equal, not always about your husbands needs
No way are you serious??? Should we don a Lacey apron and fetch his paper and spoon feed him his dinner???
First of all, Showing your husband respect is about showing him your love. You can do all of these things and still communicate your frustrations with him because communication is also a way of respecting and loving him. Secondly, God’s word never gets old or outdated and these are all Biblical principles! Please turn off the television and READ YOUR BIBLE! God created men and women with different roles in marriage and yours is to submit to your husband, PERIOD!
Amen!! I love that Jen has scripture to back up every single one of these points. If more women and men would turn to the Word for instruction, really seeking it with a true heart for God, instead of what everyone else was doing the divorce rate would drop dramatically!
It is funny (and very sad) to read what the women that post negatively on this topic. I know that they are 1) Non-religious 2) Un-faithful 3) Self-Centered 4) Spoiled Rotten or some combination of all four. Some women want all of the positives of being married and none of the negatives or to put it another way all take and no give. The fact that a large amount of women use sex as a commodity even in marriage is disgusting. Yes honey we can do what you want only if you buy me something expensive or take me here or do this for me… Women who say they do not act or would never act the way this article suggests are probably alone or involved in a bad relationship where the man neither respects nor honors her. My wife treats me with respect and I treat her with respect as well, that is the way we have always been even when we were teenagers and were friends. The fema-nazi movement has in large part, helped lead this country to the brink of destruction. Adolf Hitler and Nazi Germany may have been defeated in World War II but thier goal of destroying the United States of America is ongoing and likely to succeed. When women had to leave the homeplace and go to work in factories and other jobs that were previously held by thier husbands, brothers, and fathers, it created much discontent when the war was over and the women were asked to return to thier homes and they did not want to. Ladies if you truly respect yourselves then and only then can you respect your husband. You are special but do not think for a minute your husband will not leave you for another woman that treats him better than you do, because all other women are special too.
The “fema-nazi” movement? Yes, because women doing things for themselves and being self sufficient will definitely DESTROY America. I think you are confused. America was founded upon the idea that everyone was created equally. It was Nazi Germany that thought that some people were better than others and everyone else was lesser. Your idea that women belong only in the homes and not in the workplace coincides more with the principles of fascism than it does with the Constitution of the United States. Before you try to compare feminism to fascism you should realize that you are the one with the fascist views.
I can see that this post sparked some controversy, so let me just preface this by saying that I genuinely feel it is important to respect your husband. I am a Christian woman, I try as best as I can to follow the Bible’s teachings on marriage. That being said, while I agree with the main “points” as they are listed, the descriptions of these points are deeply troubling.
I find them lacking in communication (you should absolutely discuss ‘the negative things’ with your husband… that is called accountability. It is a Biblical principle. I would ask him to do the same for me!) as well as being somewhat emotionally repressed. We can do all things through Christ. But it is a grave misunderstanding to believe that we can zip our lips, hold it in, and be molded into the women God created us to be. Instead, we need to find HEALTHY ways to express our feelings/ thoughts/ moods and ask for grace when we are expressing them in unhealthy ways. (The Bible is full of illustrations of emotional expression. It is healthy, necessary, and a part of being who we are.)
Unfortunately, the “Christian” women who are flinging insults and such via the comments are doing nothing to promote the Gospel. To any woman who reads this blog post or the comments beneath it and is tempted to believe that the Bible is sexist or that Christian marriage lacks equality, please understand that this is not necessarily well supported by the Gospel. I apologize for this misrepresentation of Godly marriage.
I don’t wear make-up daily (or often at all, because I have terribly oily skin), I am sarcastic, and I am definitely not a Stepford Wife.
If I was suddenly “joyful” to make my husband happy, 24/7, he’d think I’d completely lost my mind.
I dress for my own comfort and flattery, not to please him.
I am a human being, and my husband loves me for me. I am not an extension of him, I do not exist to cater to his whims. I love him, respect him, and we pamper each other. You know what? Our relationship is awesome.
I fail to see why the husband has the final say on everything. Does the penis grant some sort of magical decision-making power?
I think women might be offended because they’re assuming the article is saying that women should do for their man and not expect the same in return. I’m assuming the writer could have titled the article 25 ways to respect your wife. Love is a two way street–both husband wife need to respect each other.
Very perfect
I’m getting married in two months and I really want to thank you for this great advice. Keeping these tips in mind will help me to build my relationships with both God and my husband.
Thank you!l will follow till…..
I’m going to add my voice as well. This is one of the most sexists, and ridiculous thing I have ever read. Always making sure to dress how he pleases? Always responding positive to sexual advances even if you don’t want it, THAT’S CALLED RAPE CULTURE. Making sure dinner is ready right when he gets home? Letting him make all final decisions?!? Things like this are why we still need feminism today. Marriage isn’t between a dog and her master, marriage is between a man and a WOMAN. You can be a good wife/husband/partner without undermining yourself. You can be a good wife and still have your own mind!! This list, and the support its received makes me sick to my stomach.
oops- When I said marriage is between a man and a woman, I was just trying to emphasize that women shouldn’t have to feel less than themselves in a relationship. I believe in equal marriage.. just want to make that clear (:
These comments are hilarious! This list could help many women improve their marriages and thats coming from someone who was raised by a feminist and does believe in a woman’s right to choose and all the rest of it. I am also married and have learned that equality doesn’t mean splitting everything 50/50 and striving for “equality”. No, it means acknowledging that men and women are equal in value but not forgetting we are different and have different needs. And I know that being generous and showing respect will improve any relationship. Its ok to be nice to your husband! Feminists wanted women to be equal in value in society, not become men themselves. Man, people are screwed up these days, aren’t they?
While some of the items seem to only be there to preserve gender roles, like cooking and cleaning, the rest seem like pretty valid advice, which should be reciprocated by the husband. I’ll be honest, when I came to this article I only read the url: “25 ways to communicate respect”, and I was surprised to find that it was intended for the wife only.
If you consider it advice for anyone in a marriage, it doesn’t really seem that unreasonable?
So Aubrey, since I appreciate this list and by taking these things and applying them appropriately in my life I am much happier, I am in need of some “feminism”? Pretty sure I still have my own mind, looks like yours has been taken over by the American culture…Didn’t know making the effort to have sex when I’m tired but hubby is in the mood was considered rape, sounds kind of kinky to me, maybe it’ll help with that particular point! Lol!
Jennifer,
Thanks for writing such an incredible blog 🙂 Both my parents and my husband’s parents have gone through tough divorces this last month and a great majority of the mistakes they made could have been avoided if they just both followed this advice. I look forward to more of your posts and advice.
I think unconditional love should be added to it too 🙂 My man tries SO hard to please me at all times in every way and sometimes he messes up and sometimes they’re big mess ups and the look on his face of “I failed you” can break anyone’s heart. I could yell at him for being forgetful and stupid or for not paying attention, but he already gets that. I love to tell him I love him and we’ll fix it or re plan something and everything will be fine and the look he gives me is heart melting. I feel the divorce rate is so hi because people forget the vows they made to each other. Or they are too self absorbed. I said he was ‘the one’ for a reason. I made a promise and I try and do this for him daily. I love how you were able to put it into words what a man needs because they sure can’t 😛 And I find that if I do what I can to respect, love and please him, I receive the same. If people stopped worrying about what they’re going to get out of something and just loved for the sake of someone else’s happiness, the world be so much happier.
This is 2012! Both of us work. So I am expected to always have his favorite meal ready and always have the house clean when I work too? Please. We both clean and take care of the kids in our house. I came on this site to get good advice, not advice on how to act inferior to your husband, become a slave of his and smile!
Reread the article, your comments are completely inaccurate if you actually read her descriptions of the points.
i don’t understand why people who disagree even bother to read this. What are they doing on this site to begin with? everyone has a right to an opinion, but why bother being so negative and mean? if you don’t like the page then don’t visit it. very simple. i, for one, LOVED this. Thank you!
I’ve never been so proud and justified in being an atheist.
What about the women who work AND raise a family. Should we rush home and make sure everything is spotless before our “masters” come home?? NO- a marriage should be equal. In my household we both cook, clean and take care of our little one. It’s 2012 and I truly feel sorry for the women out there whose husbands treat their wives as if they are beneath them. I am so thankful I married a modern man who treats me so equal.
I do a lot of these things but to make them rules is completely simpleminded. A husband needs a partner. You need to have mutual respect. To say if you follow these simple rules and never let your feels show is asinine.
Thank you for an amazing article! I’m so convicted, I think I will have to focus on one or two areas at a time to keep from becoming overwhelmed.
I read this list this morning as my husband was leaving to work out of town 6 days a week to provide for our family. He works a dangerous job,most would not even consider working in his industry. As I read the list I was mentally checking off to see if I had missed any of them while he was here for the short 36 hours that he is each week. I found y post uplifting and encouraging. I am printing it off as a reminder everyday to do things as if he were here so that I will honor him even in his absence so that our children will see me respecting him. I also read over the men’s list, I found it right on the money and pray that our children will have marriages that are biblically based and sound!!! I love being a Christian wife even though so many degrade me for doing so. I will continue to do so even with the nasty hate mongering, my family is very happy, not without its struggles, very happy non the less. Our children see 2 loving parents who want to please one another and are happy to do what is needed to make that happen (without sacrificing self) which is NOT what this list speaks of doing!!! Thank you Jennifer!!!
I wish I could go through and respond to each and every negative comment about this post. I’m marrying the love of my life next year and am loving reading all different ways to make our marriage as strong as possible. This list is filled with wonderful suggestions that I have found in different words in many books about marriage.
I do not find the list to be demeaning in any way, as it is only suggestions of how women can show respect to their husbands. My fiance and I have had many conversations about what we feel will help us have the happiest marriage we can. He values my need to be loved and cared for and I value his need to be loved and respected, and we both value communication as a way of continually understanding each other.
As for the points that people seem to be getting so worked up about:
Honor his wishes: This does not mean you always have to do what he wants!! It is just suggesting that when you honor what means most to him, he’ll feel respected. And when men feel respected, they feel loved.
Respond physically: In no way is this to be taken as allowing your spouse to “rape” you!! Men are biologically inclined to be more physical than women. This point, in it’s context, asks women to remember this. Physical touch is so important in cultivating a healthy relationship, yet all too often women only recognize what they are in the mood for. But it can be such a great thing to also consider your husband’s mood and respond positively to it!! Maybe not always, but when you do, he will feel respected.
Dress to please him: Women, think about it, would you appreciate it if your husband dressed like a slob? Or wore those pants that you absolutely cannot stand? NO! You may allow him to, but him doing that will not make you feel loved or respected. I greatly value my fiance’s opinion when it comes to what I wear, because I love knowing that he likes what I’m wearing. And I also enjoy taking care of myself, partially because I want to look good for him, but mostly because I think it conveys a respect for myself!! So when I dress to please him, I am also dressing to please myself. I would never wear something I didn’t like, but it’s a bonus knowing he likes what I wear.
Keep the house tidy: She says, “to the best of your abilities.” She does not say, “always have your house spotless.” She also does not say, “do all of the cleaning with no help.” My fiance cannot stand messes, therefore I try to keep things quite neat. Does this mean every surface in my home is cleared off? No. But it does mean that I can make more of an effort to do something that relieves his stress. And if he feels something needs to be tidier, he does it! But he still appreciates when I tidy things for him, even when it isn’t quite to his standards.
Take his advice: She does not say, “always take his advice.” She says, “do not dismiss his opinions lightly.” I’m sure all of the women leaving negative comments on here hate when their opinions are dismissed, so doesn’t it make sense that a man will feel respected when we give weight to his opinion? Even if we don’t take his advice, I think it speaks greatly to a relationship when we can show that we considered it and only after a lot of thought came to the conclusion that a different route was better.
Follow his lead: This is not meant as advice for those decisions that should absolutely be made as a couple. What this point does convey is that a husband would feel greatly respected if his wife showed that she trusted him enough to be the final decision maker.
I could speak of all of the other points, but that would be quite the comment. So lastly, I just want to point out the title of the article, “25 Ways to Communicate Respect”. This is not a list of must-dos, this is not a list of things that if not done will make a marriage fail. Relationships are a two way street, which is why husbands should do everything in their power to show love and a mutual, albeit somewhat different, respect for their wives. This list was meant for women, so those that disagree are not recognizing that there are lists out there that are filled with ways husbands can cherish their wives.
Though I fail at some things on the list, I think it is filled with great reminders of how wives can interact with their husbands to strengthen a marriage.
It is so weird to me that women think that showing their husband respect somehow makes them weak or controlled. I have been married for 23 years to a husband I have a great deal of respect for and him for me. We both try to practice many of these points, and for the most part are pretty successful at it. There is nothing wrong with putting your husbands needs before yours sometimes, because in a long marriage he will also have to do the same for you. For all the people outraged by this list, don’t do any of them. For those not sure, try a few. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised!
But you show it to each other. This list is about being a Stepford Wife. I am not subservient to my husband. We are EQUALS. We love, respect, and pamper each other. It isn’t a one-way street.
I think a lot of times in our culture especially we (women) feel a need to protect ourselves form being taken advantage of. Historically women have been undervalued and mistreated, but should we let that color our behavior for the rest of time? Times have changed and so have the men. I have been guilty of this behavior myself. Not long ago, a woman I really respect (she has a great marriage and wonderful children) she made a comment during a sunday school lesson about the key to a happy marriage is putting our spouse’s needs above our own. I found myself thinking, “FALSE!” But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that selfishness (which is the root of this attitude) is an enemy to happiness. Hopefully the man you have chosen to be your life companion is a righteous man who wants to do good. If he is, then you will find that if you spend time trying to lift him up that he will do the same for you! Being treated well, makes you feel good and increases your feelings of love and warmth toward your spouse. I will be forever grateful for the advice my husband and i received on our wedding day. An older man who had been happily married for 45 years advised us to take time EVERY week to tell each other 5 things that we love about each other, the rules are you have to think of new things every week. I was amazed to see how this simple act changed my perspective on my husband. I found myself looking for the good in him and appreciating him even more than I had before (and we were newly weds, I was already in head over heels blind love with him). Over the years we have continued to take time to appreciate each other every week and have been blessed with additional love and appreciation for each other’s strengths and forgiveness for each other’s weaknesses. So in summary, trust your spouse to return the respect and love that you offer him! Don’t be afraid to put him first, you will find enormous joy if you do.
All I can say is half this list don’t work well for a mom of six kids who also has a full time job! Dinner is hardley ever ready when he comes home. I will not say I’m sorry for it, he gets home before me, if he don’t like it he should have made it himself. Marriage is an equal partnership, in oder to make it work, both people need to respect each other, help each other, and support each other. It is not a let me sit back wait on you hand and foot, take care of the kids, while you sit and relax. I did read the otherlist for men and feel the same way. Yes do we need some extra help and this and that of course, but what we really need if for you guys to come home from work just like us and do the things that need to be done ( dinner, kid stuff, house stuff) with us. Not just some, but an equal part so will have family time then alone time together. It is 2012 and most families have to have two working people to make it!
While this list might be great for a woman whose husband treats her with the same amount of respect.
However, as a womans advocate who works with survivors and victims of domestic violence, I would like to point out a problem with this list. Time and time again women have told me that while they try to respect their husband and follow similar rules it does not giveaway to physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. I have countless examples of women who desperately try to respect their husband by making dinner, allowing him to make decisions, dress the way he likes, not complaining, complimenting him, providing sex whenever requested, and protecting his good name, yet without fail no matter how perfect she is it will not prevent him from berating her, raping her, or breaking bones and leaving bruises.
It would be a shame if a victim of domestic violence were to get ahold of this list and believe that because she wasn’t ” respectful” enough to her partner, she deserves the abuse she has been receiving.
October is domestic violence awareness month.
1 in 4 women will be a victim of domestic violence in their lifetime.
1 in 3 women will be raped by someone that is close to them.
Everyday 4 women die at the hands of their abuser.
Please support the women in your lives who in the eyes of their husbands are never respectful enough to be spared the emotional and physical lashings.
For more information on domestic violence please check out “Why Does She Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft and Helping Her Get Free” by Susan Brewster.
I was not shocked, but saddened to see some of the mean comments on Jennifer’s blog. Too many women out there apparently think that they are diminished when they give something to someone else…don’t they realize that giving makes you a bigger person? I thought all the ideas were great. I wonder if some of the critical ladies out there have ever tried some of these ideas….you might be surprised to find your husband reciprocate!
Its posts like these that make me sick to my stomach. Utterly ridiculous
This is a very powerful list. Yes, woman should respect their husbands; and also,men should respect their wife too. Imagine you have an abusive husband, should a woman continue to show him all this respect. I’ve found this verse
“1 Peter 3:7
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”
This is disgusting…
As a guy, I just want to make it perfectly clear that this is a load of crap… In a relationship, I don’t want to be catered to and slaved over. Women who are independent, intelligent and confident in their own opinions and beliefs and who are willing to challenge their significant others and expect to be treated as equals are so much easier to appreciate and respect than women who act as sycophants and live only to tickle men’s egos.
I agree with the blog. But I don’t agree with the fact that the Womens is to show her love. Yes it is very imoortant to show her love of course. But it always seems to be women need love and men need respect. But it’s completely not split like that. Men need respect AND love. And women need love AND respect. In fact, love that you should show your spouse, like that love of God, should automatically have love built into it. So in total, LOVE.
Jennifer,
i have been married 10 months, 2nd marriage. All of these, word-based “tips”, are in line with God’s word to wives to “respect your husband”. That was not a suggestion, it was a command. You have helped those of us who Googled, “what does it mean to respect my husband.” When people get honest, they don’t really know what true respect looks like. How many of us took “Respect Your Husband 101” in college? I did not practice ANY of these during my first marriage and it ended 11 months after we married. I never even celebrated a first anniversary. But, I know these are all good ways to “practice” respecting my husband. People show more respect for strangers than their own spouses. And I don’t understand the flack over #17. That is one of the easiest things in my marriage. My husband adores my body! He buys clothes he likes to see me in. Clothes for home, church, and work! One thing I shared with him not too long ago is how I do not feel comfortable being in gym clothes when he comes home and I’ve been home all day. It doesn’t feel right. Our intimacy level compels me to “respect” him in all these ways. Thank you for the wisdom, knowledge, and understanding. Be blessed in your marriage. I am.
Proverbs 18:2 A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion
Proverbs 14:1 The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.
Proverbs 10:8 The wise of heart will receive commandments, but a babbling fool will come to ruin.
Psalm 14:1-4 To the choirmaster. Of David. The fool says in his heart, “There is no God.”
My 35 yr marriage only has one rule “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”.
Not everyone follows a religious or spiritual dogma. We have mutual respect for one another.
Whatever works.
Thank you for sharing this list. Always a good reminder of how to treat one another. I have a very strong personality and it is difficult for me to not sometimes “steamroller” people, including my amazing husband. 🙂 While the list should be a two way street, I am only in charge of my own actions. To me, it’s a lot like forgiveness, it’s not always for the other person. Sometimes kindness actually makes life better even for you. 🙂 Thank you again.
I just want to point out that these twenty-five guidelines for respect are written by a Christian wife. These guidelines come from an understanding of God’s selfless love for us. It makes sense then that those who aren’t Christian wouldn’t understand or fathom why to take these into consideration in their relationships. They don’t understand why a person/woman would put someone before themselves. They believe putting themselves first makes them stronger and more independent.
There is no argument here. Those who believe in God and know of his great love for all would see these suggestions as a kind reminder of how we love each other. Those who don’t believe look through eyes of unbelief to see a “ridiculous” list.
My prayers go out to those who do not know Christ, who gave up his life to pay for all the bad choices and wrong things we do, so we can gain eternal life through his resurrection.
I really have to point out that being Christian has NOTHING to do with putting others before yourself. I do it all the time and I’m not Christian. You’re assumption there that one’s religion somehow makes them better at this is incredibly ignorant and downright offensive. I constantly put the needs of my husband and our friends and family before my own because it is often the right thing to do and I love those people so of course they come first, but not in all things because I also realize that what I want and think does matter and that my husband married me because of who I am as a person, not what I can do for him and not so he has something pretty to blindly do all he wants.
This list is pretty oldfashioned sexist. It’s one thing to put others before yourself and it’s another to make yourself what someone else wants, to throw off your own identity in favor of servitude to the likes and dislikes of another person. In fact, doing so you’re not showing respect you’re showing servitude which will only make your significant other take you for granted and lose respect for you.
To be sure some of these are just fine in moderation but the manner in which this was written really just says ‘what you actually want doesn’t matter, only his opinions and wants do, even when he’s wrong he’s still always right.’ The real key to a strong relationship is balance, equal respect and a sharing of life’s tasks.
Above all though, you can’t respect others if you don’t respect yourself.
I would first like to point out that since you are not a Christian, that you can’t really comment appropriately or correctly about what a Christian is like or what being a Christian is all about. I believe it is offensive that you are not allowing me to have my own opinion. I have the freedom to believe in my God and you have the freedom to believe or not believe whatever you want. I will not condemn you for whatever you choose to believe.
My comment referring to not understanding selflessness was a broad comment. I am glad that you abide by a moral code that says you should put the needs of your husband and children first. What I am saying is that you live by different thoughts and beliefs. Those beliefs make you feel like these guidelines are sexist and that people who would use these are showing servitude. That is the difference. Your interpretation of the list is based on your belief system. It’s clear that this list isn’t for you. I am simply stating that these guidelines are here to help Christian spouses love each other how God wants them to love. So if that doesn’t work for you, you don’t have to follow them.
I’m sorry that my post made you feel like arguing. You are right in the fact that couples need to keep a relationship in balance with respect and the sharing of tasks. There is a parallel list of guidelines available for husbands. I am not a perfect person, but I continually strive to be the best wife I can to my husband while still fulfilling the individual goals and plans God has for my life.
Very well said!
Whoa there, take a step back. I never said anything negative about being Christian or anything about what it means to be Christian, I’ve no issue with any person’s religious choices and feel that everyone is 100% entitled to their own beliefs (as long as they aren’t taking away the rights of others.) I had a problem with you saying that someone who ISN’T Christian can’t understand what it means to put others before them self exactly BECAUSE it was a broad statement which, quite frankly, puts Christians on one side and everyone else on the other.
Then I just sort of went on a tangent about the actual post that was less directed at you and more just my general feelings about the way the article is written and it’s overall tone. This part should have been in a separate post rather then in my reply to you so sorry about that.
” These guidelines come from an understanding of God’s selfless love for us. It makes sense then that those who aren’t Christian wouldn’t understand or fathom why to take these into consideration in their relationships. They don’t understand why a person/woman would put someone before themselves. They believe putting themselves first makes them stronger and more independent.”
That’s a little insulting as well. I am not Christian yet I follow these guidelines. I do understand why I put my husband first — it’s called selflessness. I don’t need religion to tell me that. Some people, even non-Christians, are nurturing, helpers, people who enjoy taking care of others.
Someone seems to be stuck in Little House on the Prairie times where women were maids, cooks and sex slaves.
Wow.. This comes straight out of the fifties, when men could beat their wives for not having dinner on the table on time, could come and go as they pleased, and were never expected to have to answer for their actions or decisions.. This is written as though ALL men are good men, and the sad fact is, they aren’t all good men.. I honestly think this is a joke.. It has to be.. I read your husband’s list as well, and I just have to say, “What a crock”.. If this works for you, great.. This is YOUR interpretation of what these scriptures mean.. In the old testament, the word “wife” actually meant SLAVE.. There was no LOVE between a husband and his slave.. Marriages were bought, and the “wives” simply learned their place.. That sounds like what you’re spewing.. Know your place, don’t question your husband’s judgments.. Just be happy being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, hanging on his every word.. o.O
And If that list is too long to feel good about, the two MOST important things to remember are: 1) Show up naked. 2) Bring food!
Been married for years. That works every time!
Thank you for this list. I especially liked that you gave scripture references. The Word of God, the Bible, is the standard for truth.
My husband read the companion article and was very blessed. 🙂
To respect your spouse, you must first respect yourself and demand respect from them as well. There’s a huge difference between respecting someone and stroking their ego. This article makes no distinction between the two, which is bothersome. I do agree with some of this list. However, it’s written in such a condescending manner, it’s difficult to take seriously. I am not my husband’s servant, I am his PARTNER. When you become one, you are on the SAME LEVEL of authority, which indicates an EQUAL partnership. We both mind our home and each take care of the responsibilities that fit our strong suits. For instance, I’m better at managing our finances, so I handle the budget. If I relied solely upon him to manage our money, things would not be pretty. I suppose according to your list, I’d have to submit to every decision he made and accept my financial ruin joyfully, never questioning or stepping in as a voice of descent and reason…That sort of notion is counter-intuitive and ridiculous. When you love someone truly, you love them enough to recognize their struggles, lighten their load, and be the backbone at their weakest points. You also love them enough to be HONEST with them. I’m not going to sit quietly and watch my husband make mistakes that are detrimental to our future to protect his ego, that would not be loving in the slightest. Instead, I’m going to gently make suggestions in a respectful, kind manner and steer the boat back into the right direction.
Essentially, I make up where he lacks and in turn he makes up where I lack. It isn’t a perfect puzzle, but in my ideal world that’s the way I believe every relationship, romantic or otherwise, should function. We both make compromises and agree, which is also important. One spouse should not be making all the compromises and bending to the other’s will. That’s a miserable situation for both parties involved. A marriage should never be favorable to one spouse only. I think another thing that is imperative is to have a sense of humor and laugh with each other.
I read the other list in regard to a husband’s duty in showing love as well and both lists are certainly uneven when compared. I believe both spouses should be expected to do fulfill the same, exact needs for one another. This is the only way to avoid one spouse feeling cheated. You shouldn’t have to swallow your fate in a pill and put on a smile to deal with it. This of course is my opinion, but I also recognize there’s a reason many 1950’s housewives were sneaking brandy every chance they got…It certainly wasn’t because they were happy being totally subservient to their husbands all the time either. I value my husband and he values me, but neither one of us has to submit to the other and “sit pretty” as it were to do so. It doesn’t make sense and it isn’t healthy. Just because something APPEARS ideal, doesn’t mean it’s actually a good thing inside and out.
If we’re strictly adhering to the Biblical standards, then you forgot the part about going off into the wilderness away from your husband for the duration of your mensuration cycle…: )
oh doll, thank you. this is the funniest thing I’ve read all day. <3
I agree and have practiced this to my utmost with being sure I fell short in a few areas. For the most part I did my part and gone beyond.
My second ex, who is not a believer, has undermined me to elevate himself to a third party. Has tried to control my time with friends to the point of confrontation upon which I could have called the police. He is mostly skilled at verbal berating and again tries to be my superior in intellectual disagreements. I’ve lost my trust in him that he has my back and that we are friends. We’ve tried a few times to reconcile only for me to turn and run at his sharp divisive words that pierce my heart. He is always sorry but for every advance he makes he sabotages it by his meanness sending the relationship backwards again and again. There is a certain love I have for him that I find difficult to relinquish. There are other details like he and I dated when I was 19 and sparks flew….circumstances separated us only to rekindle and marry 20 + years later. We are now divorced and I have refused his attempts to converse/talk or text because I feel like I be sucked back in.
I guess I am just trying to sift through the rumble and settle on some solid ground. Just sad.
PS He’s been living with his mom now for over a year. He’s not paying rent or utilities. That really is a turn off and a tell-tale.
Rachel, I hear your pain (have lived under similar circumstances). It sounds to me, without wanting to be harsh, that “that ship as sailed”. Get your self some therapy to gain healing and perspective on your abusive marriage and I think your decision to protect yourself by ignoring his advances are very wise. Listen to your inner wisdom…even when it is hard at first. I can tell you for sure…this kind of advice (in original article) are a death sentence to abusive marriages. There is never any list of things you can ‘do better” that will make him stop abusing. you deserve respect, trust, and a fresh start! <3
I’ve been with my husband for two decades. I respect him, admire him and love him. I have no problem catering to him when I can because it makes me feel good to do something for him that makes him happy. I expect the same attitude from him. However, I couldn’t help but cringe at the idea that all important decisions should be deferred to one’s husband. That doesn’t sound like a partnership at all and, personally, that is what I want out of marriage. We’re partners-a team-why , if I unequivocally do not agree, would I just put my concerns aside? Why would HE not care about my concerns? Constantly putting your concerns and happiness aside does not make a good marriage. I was also disappointed that the author seems to assume that if you’re a wife and mother you are a stay-at-home wife and mother. Making sure the house is always tidy for him or dinner is on the table “on time” (whatever that means) is a antiquated idea-we work together to keep the house clean and make meals because we both work full-time. And I can’t even believe I read this one, “Choose clothes your husband finds flattering, both in public and around the house.” C’mon-that is seriously ridiculous. Just my opinion but a more balanced approach has worked for us for twenty years.
While reading this I have to admit, initially I got angry. But as other people have pointed out, this is one woman’s opinion. If I look at these 25 items as a whole, I can see the general idea and worth behind them (most of them). What I find interesting is that so many people jump to defend the author and say that this was not written to offend or be sexiest or demean women. How do YOU know how she meant this article to be taken? Perhaps a controversy is what she was seeking, perhaps not. The author doesn’t seem to feel the need to defend herself – rightfully so, as this is a free country & she’s certainly entitled to her opinion- so why do you feel the need to defend her and attack people who are stating their opinions. Maybe you are trying to justify your actions to yourself. Most people who are sure of themselves and their choices do not feel the need to defend. You are your own person, if you love yourself and treat yourself with respect that feeling will be passed onto to the ones you love.
Personally, I believe a healthy, loving relationship is created and maintained through an equal partnership in all aspects. My 3 ideals in my relationship: Say I love you as much as possible, learn to forgive and love like there’s no tomorrow. Oh and you’d be surprised what a physical gesture can do in the heat of an argument, something as simple as a resting your hand on his or putting your arm around him.
The item that offended me the most was #25 – I understand the bigger picture behind it but what made me so mad was this phrase “Learn to defer to your husband’s wishes and let final decisions rest with him.” Now please tell me how this was not meant to degrade the thoughts and opinions of the wife – “Learn to defer to your husbands wishes.” Even if that means he is going directly against your wishes because he’s the MAN and therefore knows all and knows best (doubtful). I just feel the author meant that phrase exactly as it is written, otherwise she would have worded it differently. To me, this is highly offensive and degrading – to others this may work for them. Oh also, I feel this article was directed towards housewives. Simply my opinion of this article, just like this article is the authors opinion. I do find the multitude of reactions all across the board amusing, if the author was seeking a reaction she certainly got it.
why is this written by a women, surely this is from a females perspective and would be more accurate from a males perspective?!
I like this. I can’t force my husband to behave how I want him to (and there’s NO way he’ll go reading a blog looking for suggestions) so I really only have control over myself. I figure if I’m smiling, joyful, & affectionate and give a rip about myself, my house, & my family as you’ve so controversially suggested, it just might be a win/win. When someone needs to get the ball rolling in a positive direction, why not me?
So have sex when he wants it, have dinner ready when he wants it, and be an obedient wife. Right. Got it.
You forgot one- only wear clothes he thinks you look acceptable in. ALL THE TIME.
So nausated by Jennifer’s opinions and all those that followed in that path of thinking. I thought it was a joke at first. Mutual respect Jennifer, That is what the article should have stated. Stepford wives are a thing of the past.
This is the biggest load of crap I’ve ever read.
I totally agree HJ
Women need encouragement to respect, because loving comes so naturally to them. Men need encouragement to love their wives because that is what women crave – to be loved and cherished. No one is demanding action from you, its simply a list of suggestions to improve your intimacy. If you have perfect intimacy in your relationship, then great, if you dont, I like the try ten things and get back to us idea. Its not archaic, it’s about providing each other with what we desire in a relationship. Really, dont knock it til you’ve tried it. Not meant flippantly, just try it, both of you, and see how it works out.
1) This article was written by a woman to women. That’s why it is directed to wives. Men who want to improve themselves and their marriages should be looking elsewhere, and they do.
2) Not only is she a woman, she is a *Christian* woman who respects and believes the Bible. If you don’t, it’s not necessarily directed at you either. If you find it helpful, great!
3) It’s “25 ways to show respect”, not “25 ways you had better show respect or else” (every one of which must be done by every wife in order to show respect). Do them all. Choose those that work for you and your husband. We all agree that respect is important.
4) And finally, a counselor made the following comment (which I have heard from other sources as well) on the author’s husband’s “25 Ways to Show Your Wife You Love Her” page :
“I don’t think the lists were meant to be the same, nor were the lists meant to be a reflection of one another. Did you see something in this list that means it is not important to respect your wife? Did you see something in her list that said it is not important to love your husband? If so, maybe I missed it.
“I counsel couples all the time. While some men talk about whether their wives love them, we do get more comments from husbands about their wives not showing respect. Two of the biggest is how she refers to him like he’s another one of her children, and how she nags him like he’s one of the kids. While some women talk about not feeling respected, most talk about a lack of connection, a lack of intimacy (emotional, but also sometimes physical), being disregarded in all sorts of little things (like the toilet seat, and him not turning off the television or not putting down the magazine when they’re talking).
“So I see these lists played out in day-to-day marriages. The type of direction the statistically average woman needs is different, too. On a relational level, about 80% of women can put a more general principle into action. On a relationship level, it seems to be between a fifth up to half of men seem easily able to do the same – they often want more concrete examples of exactly what to do (like “put your dirty clothes in the hamper”). Maybe the general population is different, but this is what I see in my office.
“Thus, when I saw these lists appearing so different and with such different themes and approaches, I simply chalked it up to “she wrote what she felt was important to her husband from the point of view of a woman” and “he wrote what he thought was important to his wife from the point of view of a man.” Pretty simple to me.”
(Part of a comment by Scot Conway, on August 29, 2012 at 12:55 AM. The rest of his comment has some useful information.)
I agree with Bryan/Bryan’s girlfriend! I think this would not be so offensive to me if it were called “25 Ways to Respect EACH OTHER”. there are some very good points that are necessary actions in a relationship. But to call it “25 Ways to Respect Your Husband” just seems wrong to me. Do what you will, we are all different in how we love and approach relationships…but I don’t like it…no ma’am not one bit!
One last thought, the counterpart to this is “25 Ways to Show Your Wife that You Love Her” or something like that….where’s the respect for the wife?! Why does she show her love and she shows him respect? Seems like both lists should be a two way street to me.
Amy,
Your question is perfectly legit, but like it or not studies have shown that the number one thing men want in a relationship is respect and the number one thing women want is love. Now, as Christians we believe that is how God made us, but even if you are not a Christian numerous studies and surveys point to this fact. So that is why the titles are what they are.
You are absolutely right, Rachelle. Here is something my husband posted on this subject:
“I’ve been around smart powerful women my whole life. Usually, they are awash in respect. Their talent, intelligence, and wisdom command it. They find respect wherever they go. Their employers respect their hard work and dedication; their colleagues respect their insights and integrity; their church and charitable organization leaders respect their contributions of time and resources to the various causes; their children’s teachers and coaches respect their involvement and commitment; even their neighbors respect their polite disposition and manicured yards. Respect is all around them; but love, that is something else entirely. It is not so easy to find and often even harder to keep. For a woman to be loved by a man — passionately, deeply, with all that he is towards all that she is — is a rare thing indeed. It’s an ephemeral thing that cannot be earned the way respect can. But it’s a gift a husband can give to his wife every day of her life, and when he does, it is both beautiful and magical.”
Wow, I have been married 30 years last week. I can tell you from experience because I have NOT done most of those items listed, my marriage is in trouble today. I have disrespected my husband in so many ways (no adultery) but other ways. I have caused problems where there was none. He was so dedicated to me, he was a husband that wanted to talk and talk about our feelings. He made us a family when we got married, I DIDN’T. He was my husband but I used him in so many ways with the encouragement of my mom and sister. They are both negative, jealous and hate everyone that is in my life and I didn’t get it. My husband is also the person that led me to the Lord and I can never thank him enough for that. So for the ladies or men out there that have a problem with the list, I feel for you and hope that someday you are not setting there being married for 30 + years and in trouble and wished you had thought about all of this. I wished I had all this to do over again and could go back and fix the damage I have done to my marriage.
But for now, I am trying to a better me, pray every day and work on doing the things on the list especially respecting my husband.
To give you an example of the disrespect I have shown him. My sister complained that my husband was disrespecting my brother in law which I never saw and I actually attacked my husband over it. Isn’t it a case of brother in law to brother in law or sister to sister. My sister and brother in law and with the help of me, made it between me and my husband. Talk about stupid on my part.
Sorry to ramble but I get so emotional over all the ugliness and waste.
I find this ridiculous its the 21st century not the 18th women have opinions and they also work. I think it is an equal thing to make things work not all that biblical crap.
You are right Kellea-women have opinions, so why are you being so hard on a woman that is just posting HER opinion? That goes for the rest of you with negative comments. YOU have opinions and SHE has opinions. I haven’t seen anything from the author putting down anybody elses opinions or making derogatory comments about others religion. If she has, please let me know and I will retract my statement.
This is possibly the most horrifying article ever. The fact that someone women will write this down and take it serious.
THIS IS SOOOOOOOO OLD!! women, respect your man as he respects you!!! times have changed, youre not a mans slave anymore!!! make him work for your love and you work for his! we all deserve it! im not saying we shouldnt cherrish our husbands, but lets get real, there is more to love than “obeying” rules!
AGREED!!!!!!
Also, I find it very interesting that the follow-up post to this is “how to show your wife you love her.” Not respect her. That list is pretty demeaning as well.
I’m proud that my husband and I respect EACH OTHER and hold our opinions to the same level. I’m not some blind sheep that follows his demands. And he doesn’t DEMAND that I do anything. Wake up, people.
this list is not saying anything about a husband demanding anything. i am certain that her husband respects her just the same. and I am also certain he holds her opinions at his level. and that he isn’t expecting her to be perfect. and that he doesn’t see her as his slave.
That’s right Jess, make sure you get respect FIRST! Don’t give respect unless you know you’re getting something in return! Oh by the way, would you like a cup of juice before your nap? You sound a little cranky.
Wow I’m surprised by some of the reactions. I think that people have forgotten how to think for themselves. They are so used to having things shoved at them that they’ve built up a wall so that instead of seeing the love they see the way it could be used for the negative. People it’s very simple she wasn’t saying in all things like an affair and abuse be joyful but in everyday life be joyful as much as you can. Try not to mope around or be upset about everything. She wasn’t trying to say you must have sex every time whether or not you want to and so make it rape. I know for me I don’t want to a lot more than I do so sometimes when I don’t really feel like it I realize that I don’t really have a reason not to and it has been awhile so I accept and it turns out that I just needed some warming up. I do say no though when I really don’t want to so just be your own judge and see if your being lazy, something needs to be resolved in the relationship, or if you really don’t feel like it. If my husband told me no all the time my feelings would be hurt and I’m sure your’s would as well. I could explain each one to you but I really feel that you should be using your own brain and adjust her advice to your own life. Her words are the way she saw it from her life and she can’t adjust to everyones likes and dislikes. No matter if your a feminist or not this is a good list to show respect for a lot of men just don’t take it to the extremes that’s just silliness. This is not about your feminism no one is taking that away by suggesting ways you can show respect to the person you love and feel complete with and your feminist side is in no way affected by your displays of respect. Oh and another thing please remember that this was written out of love and respect and we can at least return that to her. Being on the internet where we are not seen does not give us the excuse to be rude and so unloving or unfriendly. Approach things with love in your heart not anger. Oh and as for the whole bible thumping shoving women back in the kitchen it’s untrue. Some people may believe that way but not all and in the bible God calls men to love their wives like he loved the church. How did he love the church? He laid down his life for it. If a man is laying down his life for his wife then how much respect and love would she get from him? Sounds like equal ground to me. Women love and respect your husbands, husbands lay down your lives for your wives. If they are leading and they are willing to die for me then I’m behind him and if he’s going off track I can let him know I’m not a silent by partner but as he loves me and again is willing to die for me I can trust him to lead me and to listen to me. Ok I think that’s it now lol. Thank you all 😀
God sincerely bless you. I would many times over rather be married to a true woman of God as yourself than any of those hard women making hard comments. a man wants a loving, kind, spiritual wife, not a woman who is into what the world is all about. They are sometimes two diametrically opposed paths.
Since you’re telling me my marriage will fail if I don’t prioritize my husband’s opinions, I best never read your blog again. He told me this list is atrocious, inaccurate, and offensive.
If your husband is offended by your reading this blog, Ali, then by all means cease and desist. If, however, it’s the ideas set forth in this post that he finds so offensive — the notion that a wife should value her husband’s opinion and honor his wishes being among them — then he has you in a catch-22. You could ignore his opinion and do as you please, but if that’s really what he would have you do, then you’re back to honoring his wishes, which he allegedly considers anathema. So I propose an experiment. Pick 10 of the 25 items on this list and do them faithfully for two weeks, then (a) see if he notices, (b) see if he minds, and (c) report back. Or not.
Thank you for your list, I have enjoyed reading it as well as the comments 🙁 some sad as they are. I am thankful for a list that does not tell me what I will get in return for doing each item, because my motives need to be Biblical and not selfish. As a Christian, educated, happily married wife and mother, I thank you for your time and perspective. It is the kind of article I need to read once a week to remind me of my husbands needs. (who needs to be reminded of their own needs, right?)
love it!
#25 is not about control, it is about trust. Showing your husband that you trust him to make decisions makes a huge impact on him. When we have a big decision to make my husband and I discuss it at length, talk about the pros and cons, listen to each others feelings on the subject… then if I ask him to make the final decision he knows that I trust him completely to be leaving that responsibility up to him. There are also times when he asks me to make the final decision and I do. My husband is a smart man, who loves me and wants the best for our family- why wouldn’t I trust him with making important decisions?
I think I have some points I’d like to offer here. I have been blessed with a rock, solid, still crazy in love marriage for 39 years. There are three in our marriage which have kept our love aglow. The husband, the wife, and Christ. We each wear a ring engraved with “Each for the other, Both for God.” When marriages fail it would be because one or the other left out the third partner. What disturbs me about the sweet little wife to do list above is it is pretty one sided. The rules make it appear like it is a dictatorship…even legalistic. When a husband and wife love each other first of all, they wouldn’t need these rules, and it would come naturally for them BOTH to be considerate and loving toward ONE ANOTHER. I have five daughter’s , we raised them and watched their personalities grow and develop over the years. Now, they are grown young women. And to the three that are married, as a mother I can be grateful that my daughters’ can be good wives in happy marriages, and I can feel pleased that she has not lost who she is…in lieu of being a ‘good wife.
And the same with him. It goes both ways. Fairness. Respect begets respect. No rules needed.
Write,
You have referred to men as “idiots”, “stupid” and “clueless” at least 6 different times, if not more. So what I take away from that is that a man has to have a woman constantly riding his butt to correct him and point out his faults so he’ll be able to see how he should change. That’s asinine. While I know you were making a good hearted attempt to refute the author’s points, you have basically just summed up a large problem with our culture today: the feminization of men. Men should be constantly corrected by their women for their own good b/c they are “idiots” and uncapable of seeing their shortcomings on their own. This is simply not true. God did create us as equals in marriage, but with different roles to fulfill. As the man “wusifies” and the wife becomes overbearing to make up for lack of leadership, the roles start to reverse. The husband, used to being corrected, feels no respect. The wife, who is constantly correcting the husband, sees no results and gets resentful. At this point it’s only a matter of time before things go south, and may be un-recoverable. Men and women are not idiots, but we are sinners living in a broken world that advocates the wrong way to do things (especially in marriage) so the author’s points actually make the most sense, but they would b/c they are biblically based. I know you are not a believer, so some of this seems strange, but don’t let a woman treat you like an “idiot” even if you think you are.
I thought this article was great. I don’t for one second think that I am doing an injustice to my sex because I feel that way. My husband and I are partners. We work together toward common goals. Most of these 25 things, are basic relationship expectations. Would I want to be seen in public with my spouse looking like a slob? Not at all. Why shouldn’t I dress nicely for him as well? In our relationship, we made the decision that he would be the bread winner and I would would take on the role of housewife. When he was unemployed and looking for work, the roles switched, I worked while he job hunted, and took care of the house and cooking. 🙂 Once again it goes to being a partnership. Change the Title to Wife, and see what response you get. 🙂
At first while I was reading this, my feminist red flags were going up. The way this post is written makes it seem like women should be submissive to their husbands. Then I took a closer look at the over-all message of the post and realized that most of these refer to basic respect for another person including spouses. A good majority of these things I do anyways, not out of some obligation, but because I want to make my husband happy and my husband wants to make me happy. The only one I completely disagree with is #25; my husband and I are equal partners, if there is a desision to be made then we are making it together. The reason this post seems so sexist is because it is only telling what the woman should do for her husband. If both spouses are doing the things mentioned on this list then it really isn’t sexist; it’s just respect for each other. By the way, I am pagan and my husband is agnostic.
In the update after the list, there is a link to “25 Ways to Show Your Wife You Love Her”. If you haven’t taken a look at it, you might find it interesting too.
Also, an unrelated thought that I just wanted to add to the conversation: I think most of us go to the trouble when dating to look good, be respectful, show affection, etc. to the men we date. Why should we stop just because we get married? Just a thought.
this is the most ridiculous and sexist thing I have ever read. If this is what religion does to you I am very glad I am an atheist.
I can see where you could think this is ridiculous. I am a Christian myself, but may not agree with what other Christians see or do. We are different people and none of us can say we have it all figured out, or that any of us are perfect, etc etc… so PLEASE don’t judge all Christians based on what you hear from one or two or even more. I am a Christian but am NOT religious, there is a difference.
Hmm, I’ve read through a few of the comments and I can see both sides. Most of these are bible based, and being a christian wife I can appreciate that. But I think that the way most of the points are written comes across the wrong way. Reading this I feel like if I am not doing all this things just right, I am somehow failing as a wife. It doesn’t feel very nice, and I can see how people would lash out. And while a heaps of these are great suggestions, a lot I do, and more I will take on, others would not work for my husband and I. A few examples: we always do the washing and clean the house together, it’s both our mess and that’s how we do things. When I want my husband to do something I try to only ask him once. When he forgets (every time) he tells me I should have nagged him about it!? You don’t know how often I hear ‘You should/shouldn’t have let me do that/eat that’ when I am trying not to tell him what to do! When he is actually wrong, it doesn’t make sense to let him think he is right.. We have never had a real fight. Haha and #17 while I ask my husband what he thinks of what I wear, we both dress for comfort at home. Haha I don’t brush my hair and, (gasp), I don’t believe a shower every day is a necessary part of life. I also only use water to wash myself.. Plus I am the one who looks after all financial stuff etc.. So anyway, my opinion is that if these were worded a bit differently, they might be taken a bit better by people who do not understand the bible side of things, and people would understand that they are suggestions, and not feel like they are being condemned for not doing any of them..
As a guy…I find this rather horrible. It just looks so antiquated. Perhaps I am reading this to be more extreme than it is meant, so I will try to clarify myself.
1. Choose Joy: Yes. Obviously any human being should try to choose joy over unhappiness. But don’t rejoice in everything – if he’s doing something stupid or being a bad person, TELL HIM. Seriously. We won’t stop being idiots otherwise.
2. Honor His Wishes: True, a relationship should be partially built on thinking that the other person’s opinions are important. But it shouldn’t be so one-sided; if you have a differing opinion or think something should be done differently, say it! And don’t make him the priority in everything, either, because girls need time to do their own stuff. Guys should honor girl’s wishes, too.
3. Undivided Attention: If you’re working on something when he’s talking to you, chances are he’ll understand if you’re only half-listening. Undivided attention is only needed up to a certain point with any human being, otherwise it starts to come across as obsessive and creepy.
4. Don’t Interrupt: Well…okay. I don’t have much to say on this one, because it’s true. But, again, a lot of relationships work differently, and if you’re finishing each other’s sentences more often than not it just means you’re following the same train of thought, which is a good thing.
5. Focus on Good Points: No. No no no no no. I mean, don’t make anyone’s bad points your sole focus, but you do need to pay attention to them and be aware of the bad things. That way you can work on changing them – but if those bad qualities are TOO bad, get out of there. Beauty and the Beast was a kid’s movie, not a lesson on life.
6. Prayer: I’m not religious so maybe this will be incredibly biased, but not telling your husband your concerns is a terrible way to run a relationship. If he’s a decent person, he will care about your problems and try to help you through them.
7. Don’t Nag: Oh dear. Look. Guys are idiots. We really are. If you don’t nag us every once in a little while, we won’t change at all. Don’t rely on some dude in the sky to do your work for you.
8. Don’t Take things for Granted: True. But if he takes you for granted, that’s a bad thing. A VERY bad thing. Again, keep things from being so one-sided in a relationship.
9. Smiling: Welp. I won’t deny that smiling is a good thing. Obviously don’t smile TOO much, otherwise it just gets creepy. But true, smiling makes the world a better place.
10. This constitutes rape, in my book. If you don’t want sex, seriously tell him. Any decent guy will actually understand. He might mope a little bit, but if he’s a decent individual he’ll get over it.
11. Oh for crying out loud…Look. We are human beings. We are judgmental creatures. We will always compare women with other women, and likewise women will do the same. If anything it is can be a good thing if we realize what our partner wants so that we can change ourselves – it shows us a different perspective. Besides, everyone needs a celebrity-girlfriend/boyfriend to jokingly fawn over.
12. I…whatever. I can’t think of anything really coherent to say about this one, so I’ll pass on it.
13. Meals: From the sounds of it, the way you do things is good: you take everyone’s preferences into consideration, including your husband. If you have a family with a husband and kids, it usually works to rotate everyone’s favorite meals (yours included) into the dinner menu, so that everyone has a meal to look forward to. Make the husband and kids cook one night, too, so that you can have a night to gloat in how awesome your own cooking is and ensure that they appreciate you, too.
14. Being close together does help strengthen a relationship even if you aren’t necessarily doing something together. Obviously, though, everyone needs their own personal space, too, so don’t take it to an extreme; if he’s working on something stressful or you just need some time alone, don’t force yourself to be near each other. Separation makes the heart grow fonder, as they say.
15. Everyone needs someone to complain to. When you’re in a relationship, this usually means your partner is that person. If you have something to complain about, go right ahead. The only time it becomes a problem is if complaining becomes the primary discussion topic with your partner, because then it’s just all based on negativity.
16. In the sense that they’re correcting waaaay to much, yes. Stop. But if they make annoying mistakes that are a bit more severe, go right ahead and correct them, especially if it truly means making the story or discussion more coherent. Again, we guys are idiots and make mistakes all the time. Correct us from time to time, and we might actually STOP making them.
17. Dress the way you want to dress, not how your husband wants you to dress. Guys know diddly-squat about clothes – well, unless we’re in fashion design, but that’s a different scenario entirely – so don’t feel obligated to dress in something uncomfortable just because we think it looks nice on you.
18. True, a house should be clean, but make sure you’re not the only one doing the work. If you get the kids and husband to do some cleaning, it makes them feel a bit more like they are truly a part of the house and are attached to it, not to mention gets us away from our computers and books.
19. I think this plays more into simply being content when situations are out of your control. If your husband or partner should have done something obvious to get him a raise or something, tell him! Seriously, we’re clueless sometimes. Another perspective can do wonders on a career or life in general.
20. Take his advice if it is actually something useful. True, sometimes us guys do know more than you might think, but again it all comes back to human beings being idiots. Sometimes people suggest things that really are just horrible ideas.
21. This comes off as a bit too much like puppy-love, which can only endure for so long. Based off how my parents act and how my own friendships have gone, a healthy long-lasting relationship is based more off accepting that person as a companion, and knowing that maybe they aren’t the most perfect thing in existence but that they can provide companionship and friendship more necessary than anything else. My parents will look at each other lovingly sometimes, but they aren’t afraid to give the other person a glare if they’re annoying them every once in a while.
22. If you’re bashing on your husband in public all the time, obviously that’s a bad thing. But don’t feel like you have to always compliment him or something. Seriously. None of us are perfect. If we’ve done something really stupid lately, tell your friends about it to vent your frustration. If he’s still a really great guy, chances are you won’t NEED to tell people that, otherwise it just comes off as bragging.
23. Forgiveness is a good thing, I won’t deny that. But sometimes people do things that you just can’t bring yourself to forgive, things that are unspeakably horrible. Maybe you can forgive them later, but don’t just automatically try to forgive everything. If he’s done something terrible, either get out of there or do your best to make things right again.
24. Arguments happen. They’re a necessary part of any relationship. And if you really are in the right, or your husband really is in the wrong…don’t apologize needlessly. Otherwise whatever you were arguing about will never be solved – it will just fester, like a wound, and show up even worse later on.
25. Geez this is horrible. A relationship is built on two people becoming as one: in order for that to happen, both of you have to have your own input. The way you word it makes it seem as if you’re just his puppet, following his lead and doing nothing on your own free will. Your husband isn’t God, he’s just another stupid human. Understand that, move past it, and work together to becoming a functioning unit.
Don’t take this as rude or hateful. I just think that the way this is worded comes off as horribly disrespectful to a woman’s individuality. As a guy, most of us don’t just want some sort of pawn who will obey our every will – that mindset was abandoned ages ago for most of us. Most guys want someone who balances them out, who is willing to argue and have differing opinions while still sharing something in common. Both a man and a woman should work together to forge a single, unified relationship in which both parties have input and are doing something productive to try and keep the relationship balanced, rather than one person doing everything to keep things in order.
There is no logical reason that a husband’s opinion should be more important than his wife’s opinion. The Bible is a collection of stories written by MEN thousands of years ago. It should have NO impact on our lives today.
And yes, I’m angry. Women fought for the right to vote and succeeded. If it were up to the bible thumpers, we would be magically transported back to the days before we proved we were equal to men.
Any woman reading this list should be angry. Anger is a natural human emotion. Anger is what wives should feel when their husband cheats. Anger is what wives should feel when their opinions are dismissed because some old book said that’s the way it should be. Anger is what a wife should feel when she is pressured by her husband to have sex when she doesn’t feel good or just doesn’t feel like doing it.
To not be angry is to bow down to the idea that you are less of a human being than your husband is. Let’s put it this way. This list reminds me of what radical Muslims would advise their wives to do. Luckily, here in American, your husband isn’t allowed to kill you for not following the list of rules.
Wake up, ladies! It’s okay to be yourself. That’s what America is about.
Being yourself does not necessitate being angry. For me, “being myself” means being nice to my husband and encouraging other wives to do the same. And yes, I am so thankful to live in America where I am free to do those things, as well as to read and believe the Bible, which rightfully has a HUGE impact on how many, many people live their lives today.
S.J. Wright,
As someone who has such an opinion of the Bible, you know nothing of what it says, and apparently are interpreting Jennifer’s words from a complete bias. The Bible never says wives opinions or needs should be dismissed, it never says that sex should be forced. It is quite clear that a married couple are to fit together like puzzle pieces and compliment one another. Have you ever done a dance, or watched a professional dance duo. It is quite beautiful to see the two move in harmony. Harmony involves a lot of giving of oneself. No relationship will work without giving of oneself. This list is written to women, who have been married and want a reminder of HOW to give of oneself, because far to often people stop trying once they are married. This list is the way to show respect to anyone, it is a list FOR women being written by a woman, so it doesn’t address how the man is to reciprocate but it doesn’t dismiss it either. In a relationship we can only change ourselves; if we aren’t constantly trying to better ourselves as a partner in a relationship, and all we want to do is take, we can never achieve that perfect harmony. You are filled with anger because you are thinking only of yourself and not of the partner in the relationship. Nothing in this list suggests women be walked all over or be treated as Muslim women are treated.
I’m in a relationship with a Muslim man and he treats me far better than this and doesn’t expect me follow rules or bend to his wishes in any way. He’s respectful of my sexual boundaries. He has never told me what to wear or what to think and he values my opinions as much as I value his. The majority of Muslim men are not extremists and do not treat women as less human. Its only the extreme few that are in the news that give the rest a bad name. However the majority of Christian men that I know expect women to be nothing more than smiling little objects with no thoughts or feeling of their own. The bible depicts women as less than men. Christianity is terrible for women and any woman who can follow these rules and claim to have any self-respect is either delusional or an idiot.
“any woman who can follow these rules and claim to have any self-respect is either delusional or an idiot.”
How very insulting. Also, so not true. I think this is all a case of “to each their own.”
I follow these ideas and I’m not Christian. Nor am I controlled, subservient, or any of the other adjectives that have been used to describe the women who follow these ideas.
I keep saying this but some folks just aren’t getting it — my husband does not expect nor require this from me. I give this freely. Honestly? I was single for a very long time and I struggled quite a bit. I don’t want “control” of this relationship nor do I need to “wear the pants.” I follow his lead willingly. It’s a much easier, nicer, happier life for me this way.
It may not work for you. It may offend your sensibilities. It doesn’t matter to me. For me, it works. If what you are doing is working for your, that’s awesome.
But, please, leave the insults out of this.
Jessica, this isn’t a list of demands a Christian man should have for his wife. It’s a list of ideas of how to show respect to your husband that women can CHOOSE to do if they wish. Once again… this is not a list of RULES, it is a list of ideas. No one is forcing women to adhere to a list someone blogged about.
You are far too angry…wow.
Best response yet!!!
Well said!
THANK YOU. Your rebuttal list is much better, as I was reading through the original one all I could think is that it was telling me I should drop everything of my own and only focus on my husband’s wants and needs. A relationship, be it romantic or platonic, needs balance and compromise to thrive. Constantly deferring to the other person in the relationship and forever putting everyone else before yourself will only leave you mentally exhausted and frustrated. It’s a lot of this kind of forcing yourself to pretend to be happy kind of stuff that leads to such high rates of depression and anxiety in women (and anyone else forcing them self to pretend everything is great and the problems they have with others don’t exist) And I won’t even get into how foolish it is to wait for god to change things in your life, if you don’t work toward things yourself they don’t happen.
this list is refreshing. I would call it “balanced”. It hurt me (a female) to hear you keep calling yourself (males)” idiots” …but then you did kinda bring it back around to all of humanity having a tendancy to be “stupid” at times (which is fair enough)…but this is what i see as being a sensible approach to a relationship.
I was saturated with lists/teachings the this one (original post) going into my marriage. Unfortunately for me i married i man (unknowningly) who has highly abusive tendancies, overly-sensitive ego, and much “entitlement” mixed with anger issues. (yes we were both born-again christians at the time…none of this surfaced until after the wedding day). I did EVERYTHING i could to follow a list like this and all it did was feed the monster. Things got worse and i got depressed, feeling stuck in a hell-hole but always choosing to “be joyful” and “only speak good of him to others” and “guard his reputation”.
The day I said “to hell” with all that dogma and TOLD THE TRUTH about my life to anyone who sincerely cared was the beginning of freedom and healing for me. It truly was a really good and right decission. Also getting help from “professionals” not just christian counselors/ who repeat the same rhertoric of “trusting god” “forgiving” and “submitting more/better”.
We are still together as he has taken some responsibility (taking part in a group for abusive men) and I am not financially independent based on our past “christian” lifestyle choices. I am currently working on bettering myself by doing things that help build my sense of “self”…understanding what my true “wants” and interrests are. Those questions did not even exist in my previous paradigm. It was always: “what do my parents want?”, what does God want?” and then “what does my husband want?” and then “what do my kids need/want?” To have someone ask “what do YOU want?” made me feel troubled because i had no answer to that question. I mean sure i had a few preferences in life, my personality wasn’t “dysfunctional” in the sense that I still had a will (a strong one) but i had been so programmed to “only” think of others in every situation when i had to think of “me” it felt like looking into a black hole. I’m happy to say that I am improving. Dreams are forming. I am feeling more confident every day. I leave my husbands issues and insecurity with him (as much as possible, it still drags me down sometimes) , but i DO NOT attempt to make him happy. I can do 25 things “right” and he will still find the 26th thing i’m not doing to go off about if he’s in the mood or feels sudenly (unexplainably) neglected.
I was only able to have the courage to make this choice (because yes going against the values you’ve been raised to believe are the only RIGHT way to do life does take courage…and talking of shameful things like abuse takes even more…)i was only able to find this courage when i looked at my kids and knew that if i wanted to mother them successfully i needed to find a better way. I think that if only i had been handed a list more like this commentor’s I could have saved my self so much heartache
and needless SILENT suffering.
excellent reply! my jaw dropped as I was reading the article and comments – it’s good to know there’s someone out there that has some sense!
Excellent – women do not exist to make men look good. People should support each other in relationship regardless of gender.
love this post, well said.
change the name of the blog to “25 ways to communicate respect to each other” this is not just the women’s job. I am not by all means an expert at relationships, i also make my own mistakes by doing or not doing things that i should or should not do! Most of all this is just common sense, treat others the way you want to be treated, cater to your husband cause he caters to you, when your happy he is happy, listen and communicate in return he will listen and communicate, be thankful for each other, be affectionate towards each other dont lose the passion in the relationship. Admire each other, protect each other! If you love your husband/wife all of this is natural!!! Yes days you will have your arguments and isnt always as easy as these 25 tips that are listed!
the blog isnt outdated but it is not things that the wife should do for the husband its what you do for each other!- My opinion
Dear Heather,
I absolutely agree. This isn’t a list about placating a sourly husband – it’s about finding ways to love, respect, and please one another. I think Jennifer updated her original post with a link to her husband’s on how husbands can show love to their wives.
This is the most disrespectful and sexist list I have ever seen. As a male I am absolutely ashamed to be part of the same sex as the creator of this list. Your outdated beliefs that woman must do everything to please their husband is appalling. It’s time to stop hiding behind the bible and all of its bigotry and to accept everyone as equals. Your lord did not put women on this earth to be your slave, in fact there is no proof that your lord actually exists. My advice to you is that you should treat your wife with the same respect that you expect to receive. I suggest you get with the times and build some self confidence so that you don’t have to have your wife do it for you. I hope you burn in your imaginary hell, bigot.
Bryan, it may comfort you to learn that you do not in fact share the same sex as the author of this blog. As incredulous as it may be, this post was written by a woman — that’s my photo in the upper right hand corner 🙂
I’m sorry, I made the assumption that a male had to post this because I was under the impression that no one would degrade their own sex.
I honestly wish I had the time to stay home and be the person that this list envisions. (looking nice when he gets home, keeping a tidy house……etc.) It is a little more challenging to be all these things when I also work full time, I am also tired, I am also stressed and all of the same things that he is. That being said, we do pretty well on most of the things on this list together and that was your point. Both sides being respectful
. I think some people may have missed that.
Thank goodness for you Bryan! I read this post in abject horror and couldn’t believe from the comments that people who genuinely believe themselves to be educated, reasonable people AGREE with this sexist, degrading piece of filthy propaganda. And not just people, but WOMEN!
I love, honour and cherish my partner, just as he loves, honours and cherishes me. We have an equal relationship, not a master and doting wifey.
Uou people make me sick. We barely deserve equal rights if there still women as ignorant as this in the world.
Bryan, why are you so angry? No matter what you believe, hoping that someone “burns in hell” is a horrible notion. Even if you disagree with the content here, there’s no need to be rude.
Bryan is my boyfriend, and i showed him this piece of sexist propaganda because i thought there was a whole lot wrong with it, and he agreed. He isn’t angry. He’s educated. He is living in 2012, and women need to thank their lucky stars that men like him exist. Because without men like him we would still be forced to stay home instead of living out our dreams. I’m not saying that raising children is wrong, or being a free lance writer is wrong… I’m saying that with this mentality in this article women wouldn’t even be able to write their feelings. Think about it- the views described here are so sexist and colonial. It’s unbelievable that any woman would want to be subjected to such abuse… I mean, “dress to please him” ? How about dress to please yourself? I’m done. There’s no point in even trying to get through to bible thumpers. Come on, females! have some self worth! I just have pity for you and I certainly hope you can rise above the lowly household duties you’ve confined yourself to. Don’t bother replying, I won’t ruin your sewing circle with my edgey post-industrial revolution views. I must be kooooooky!!!!
There is something a lot of folks are missing here. This list was not written by a man. This is not a man’s list of expectations from his wife. This was written by a woman. She gave examples of how to show a man respect without actually saying it. These are suggestions, not hard, fast rules.
I think it’s funny that some of these ideas are just basic relationship rules — no matter what the relationship. When I worked in the corporate world, we took classes and seminars on active listening. When I had my massage practice, it was imperative that I listen to a client. It was called listening to the subjective. It gave me a good idea of what was going on with my client physically and emotionally. Why wouldn’t I practice active listening with the person I love most in the world?
Also, don’t nag. Do you want someone nagging you? I know I HATE it. So, why would I nag my husband?
Dressing nicely? Again, she has never said you have to be dressed to the nines or in lingerie. Have you had your bath that day? Have you combed your hair? Are you out of your pj’s? I hate to say this, but some women don’t.
I do have to say this list is probably geared toward stay at home wives but a lot of the suggestions can be given consideration by all.
Also, when I put these suggestions into practice, it’s amazing how my husband responds in kind. I start something, something good.
Instead of talking about how sexist it is, take a look at how you apply this to others in your world. If you do these things for others, why wouldn’t you do this for your husband?
Of course, these apply to a marriage that is already good. If you are in a bad relationship, most of this wouldn’t work anyway.
Bryan’s Girlfriend,
I don’t get it. Did you even read the 25? I would love to actually seriously understand what you find so objectionable. Is it “dress to impress him,” you mean you have never asked Bryan’s opinion on an outfit, how about your best friend have you ever asked her/him for his/her opinion on an outfit? If you read this same list in regard to how to be a good friend, would you object to the things on it? Maybe, the “respond physically” is the one that you have an issue with, because you don’t hug anybody? I am seriously not sure what the huge objection is, because, I have written it here on these comments before, but 85% or more of the items on this list are how you should treat ANYONE, basic respect. If the list said 25 Ways to Impress your Boss, 25 Ways to Honor your Best Friend, or 25 Ways to Care for your Children, you wouldn’t object to most of these things. Ask advice, don’t interrupt, smile, be thankful, don’t criticize, be forgiving, respond to their cues, follow when some is leading you…etc! I bet you do most of these things for your best friend, I bet on a first date you do most of this stuff (surely you think about what you will wear). So being married or in a long term relationship suddenly means you can disrespect and walk all over the other person? I am curious how long do relationships like that last? My marriage of 20 years has been filled with a lot of disrespect, but as we learn to love and respect one another, I find lists like this remind me to treat my spouse the way I want to be treated and that goes a long way. I want respect, caring, a kiss, things cleaned up (heck I would hate it if my husband left the toilet seat up and didn’t wipe the sink after he brushed his teeth, I am thankful that he doesn’t do those things) and seriously I prefer if he asks me if I like his striped shirt with his camo shorts (because eww). Shouldn’t I be willing to give at least what I expect? Don’t you expect Bryan to clean up his mess, kiss you when you are feeling frisky, respect your decisions, etc.? Maybe you object to keeping the house clean? For a stay-at-home mom, which is nearly half of the women who have children, cleaning up after those kids during the hours that your partner is working, is part of the job, just like it would be for a daycare provider (we can do at least as much as a daycare provider, I would hope a lot more). Never did Jennifer say to do all of the cleaning. Respect IS a two-way street, don’t expect it if you aren’t willing to give it. And although, you are not a Christian, those of us who are have made certain decisions based on our faith and our relationship with our God, these decisions look different for each family, but often include a stay-at-home mom and a working husband. Any stay-at-home parent knows that being home means that the job includes caring for children, basic housework, and making meals. My husband was a stay-at-home parent for years (when we weren’t walking with the Lord), so I know it doesn’t matter if you are a man or woman, a Christian or not, if one person is at home and the other at work, cooking and cleaning go to the one at home. So, what else to you object to about having basic respect for the person you claim to love? Is it “resist the urge to correct,” look at the example Jennifer gives, seriously who wants someone interrupter every minute to point out inconsequential mistakes. I have an issue with word recall in the last several years, and I can’t stand when my teenagers want to give me a hard time over it. Who wants their every minor mistake pointed out! Lists like this one on “how to show a woman you care,” are all over the place, most of the time written by women. You want respect, but don’t want to give it. When you want to be put up on a pedestal and walk all over those you claim to care about, you do nothing to advance women’s rights. Being a high maintenance girl, with a whipped boyfriend, just leads to unhappiness anyway, because no guy lives up to what she wants. And any truly independent woman knows how to care for herself and a family. I don’t need my husband, I can take care of myself, but even if I couldn’t I absolutely know that My Lord and Savior will take care of me (as does any Christian woman). I want my husband and I have committed myself to being with him for life, because I want him I am willing to respect him and I certainly want him to know how wanted he is!
Bryan’s girlfriend,
It’s interesting how you feel like this list is so horribly demeaning to women and yet look how you addressed everyone as “Bryan’s girlfriend”. Isn’t that demeaning and sexist? Isn’t that putting yourself down because you are not your own person, you are Bryan’s girlfriend? Where is your identify in all that?
You talk this way because you don’t want to think for yourself. You think that you shouldn’t have to dress nice for your guy, he should like you for who you are and not how you look. And thought this is true at some level, how about you do a little experiment? You can’t tell Bryan you are doing this though.
Do the following:
Mess your hair up before he comes over. Don’t dress in nice clothes when he’s around, or dress frumpy. Don’t wear makeup and just be lazy. Don’t give him affection. Don’t pay attention when he talks to you. Be so self-involved that he doesn’t think he is there. Do everything opposite or what is on this list.
Then see how long it takes for his attitude toward you to change.
How much you want a bet you do more for him than you think you do. Because I’ll tell you, if you do what I suggested you do above, I bet you won’t be calling yourself Bryan’s girlfriend for long.
No, as Bryan’s girlfriend, you do all this stuff on a subconscious level because you are still in the dating phase. Once you are married, people tend to think they don’t have to “try” anymore. And that is what this article is about. It is about taking these subconscious things we do for people and make conscious efforts to show them the respect the got when we were first dating.
And quite honestly, you think that Bryan is going to agree with this article if he knows you don’t? Heck, that is like signing his own death sentence. I guarantee there is plenty on this list Bryan is secretly thinking, “That wouldn’t be so bad if Bryan’s girlfriend did that..” or “Bryans’ girlfriend already does that.” or “It would be nice if that happened more from Bryan’s girlfriend.”
But Bryan’s girlfriend won’t ever hear that if Bryan knows what’s good for him.
There is nothing on this list that indicates that a women doesn’t have self worth. What it does show is that a woman has enough self worth to be able to give herself freely to the man she married. She is secure in her own self to know that by giving herself completely to the man she loves, he will do the same in return. That is called confidence.
You must remember, she isn’t having sex with her husband because she is afraid of losing him, like I’m sure you might do with Bryan. No, she is having sex with her husband because she is wanting to please him and in turn have pleasure herself. She is wanting to get as close to him as humanly possible. She is wanting to dress nice for him because he is who is important to her and she wants to keep that spark alive. Unless you have been dating Bryan for 20 years, I’m sure this all seems foreign to you so I’ll stop here. But to think that you can be self-centered and be in a relationship isn’t really a relationship.
And yes, you are kooooooky.
actually she said that bryan was her boyfriend…. not that she was bryans girlfriend… just sayin.
I just had to laugh at the ignorance (on so many levels) of “Bryan’s” posts. Under your deluded notion of your own (clearly felt) superior virtuousness, you exemplified all of the negative traits that you accused the poster of demonstrating. First you state that we should “accept” everyone as equals. I am assuming that “treating” everyone as an equal follows your statement of “accepting” everyone as an equal. I must then conclude that your utter rudeness with which you directed toward the poster is an example of your idea of “accepting” the poster as an equal and that your idea of equality is treating everyone uncharitably. But, hey, at least everyone is being treated with an equal measure of rudeness, right? Oh, wait, you must mean that you accept everyone as an equal as long as they think as you do. Ooops! My bad! You then state that a wife should be treated with the same respect that a husband hopes to receive. The whole idea of the post is, essentially, about respect. Simply stated, do nice and thoughtful things for your husband and he will do nice and thoughtful things for you. And, doing nice things for your husband, because you love him, will make you feel like a million bucks. Why is this so shocking, sexist, and “colonial”, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah? (Oh, and by the way, I think you meant provincial.) It’s called, “Do unto others…” It’s called mutual respect; it’s called having a good marriage. Which you know all about, right? Because you’ve lived it for decades, right? All it’s ups and downs, financial stresses, lost romance and renewed passion, tired nights with puking kids, loving the once young and fit person who is now puffy and pudgy, but you love them even more now, and on and on. Really, when you’ve lived a marriage, dressing to please him is the least you can do. Frankly, dressing to please him pleases me because he makes me feel sexy and desired and loved and that makes me feel confident and strong. And, if you don’t, on occasion do that for the man you love then you’re either selfish, a slob, or lying to yourself. Most women, Christian or otherwise, dress for their men because his positive reaction makes them feel good. And, I’m fairly certain, the poster wasn’t saying you shouldn’t like what you wear, or feel good in it, etc. Additionally, your statement that “there is no proof that your lord actually exists” indicates that you’re a classical historian, too. Wow! Critiquer of pinterest pins and classical historian all rolled into one. I’m impressed. Clearly you’ve read the 1st century, non-biblical accounts of Jesus and discount the fact that nearly all historians, Christian or otherwise, accept Jesus’ existence. But, really, what do those buffoons, who’ve studies classical texts, gotten Ph.D.s in classical history know anyway? Finally, Bryan-the-educated, you have both misuse (yet ironically demonstrated) what a bigot is. A bigot is not someone who thinks that you should show respect to someone you love by, essentially, putting them first, as stated by Jennifer Flanders. A bigot is (Webster dictionary definition) “a person obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices; especially: one who regards or treats the members of a group with hatred and intolerance.” You have demonstrated your bigotry of Christians by your rude and intolerant treatment towards Jennifer and her post. Which, is her opinion, kindly stated, for readers to take or leave. She neither stated her opinion obstinately, intolerantly, or with hatred. Nor did she state that it was the only way to behave in a marriage. However, you statement that you hope that the poster burn in hell was intolerant of the opinions expressed, was obstinately expressed and was hateful. You are the intolerant, small minded bigot who really doesn’t believe in the equality that you profess. And, no, Byran’s girlfriend, you are neither edgy or kooky, you are a bore. You see, most of the posts that agree with Jennifer have been there and done that and we’ve not only tried what you’re expressing, oh so long ago, we’ve grown up and moved on. We are strong women. Life has kicked us in the butt and we’ve kicked back and childish comments like what you and Bryan have posted are ignorant, small minded (yeah, I know you think your view is so big and liberated. Talk to me in about 20 years when you’ve lived a little more), and tired.
jojo, You said, “actually she said that bryan was her boyfriend…. not that she was bryans girlfriend… just sayin”
You are completely right. My bad.
That’s much better. Instead of being sexist in one direction, it’s sexist in the other. It’s okay to demean Bryan because he’s a guy, right? Forget about his identity, right? Either way, if you take her stance on this whole issue, her labeling Bryan as her boyfriend or her labeling herself as Bryan’s girlfriend does the same thing. She sees Bryan as a great thing for women today, and if there were more men like him the world would be a better place. What she fails to see is that just because this list shows how women might want to consider respecting their husbands, she is presuming this is meaning that the husbands on the receiving end of this are demanding it or expecting it in anyway. That is a huge presumption in my opinion.
THAT was fabulous!!!
I 100% agree with you…this list angered me the more I read on…how awful. If I did many of these things or acted in this way, my spouse would lose respect for me, and more importantly I would lose a great deal of respect for myself.
yes I agree. My husband would not think I was special and worth anything, if I did not value myself, he would not value me. If I subjected myself to all these things, letting him make all the choices, clean his house, etc. That sounds to me like having a maid, not a wife…. A wife is supposed to be an equal loving partner.
” if I did not value myself, he would not value me. ”
I have a huge amount of self-respect and value myself a great deal. I don’t understand how being able to be selfless equates to not valuing myself. In fact, finally being able to be selfless has increased my self-respect. I am finally able to see beyond myself because I know that my husband has my back. Since I don’t have to worry about myself exclusively, I am able to look beyond myself and be less selfish.
right on. this is frightening.
Brian & his girlfriend,
First I love that men like Brian do exist!! Relationship should be about equality and marriage is about finding someone who is ready to go through that journey of life with you. This list is not only so out dated, but also so disrespectful to relationships. I used to think this was how women needed to be and this was how I was in my relationships, until I realized how un happy I was in my relationships. Once I got away from lists and bible verses of things I “had” to do and just started loving myself more and taking care of myself I realized a lot of these things just happen. 5 years of marriage, and I always kiss my husband good bye, even if we just had an argument, I take care of myself by going to the gym & dressing cute because that’s important to ME not anyone else. I work full time and so some nights I make dinner, some nights my husband does. If you don’t like negativity, then don’t marry someone who’s negative!! Stop focusing on doing things for your husband & just work to be a better person & list like this wouldn’t ever have to be made.
Thank you!!!
Just wanna say, because i don’t even want to read completely all the hate comment that you both got… That i totally agree with you, and your girlfriend. It’s weird to see how some people put all their effort into pleasing someone they never saw and aren’t even sure existed in the first place. This list remind of the ”guide to be a good wife” from 1955 … http://j-walk.com/other/goodwife/index.htm … hahaha
I agree…….Alyssia! All I can do is LOL!
I should hope that if you are married that you treat your spouse this way. I am a woman, a very educated woman at that, and what you are saying is ignorant. Before you open your mouth try educating yourself.
Hear Hear!!
Well said!
Go Bryan! THANK YOU! Glad to see a man speaking out against this utter horribleness.
Bryan, not a slave but the scriptures DO call for women to follow the lead of their mate. Men are called to be spiritual leaders in their household. Now nowhere in the scripture does it equate following the leading of your husband does it say that she is to follow like a slave. This kind of following is different. More like a partnership.
I’ve read good chunks of both of these lists and I agree 100 percent. The problem with the world is we see having a servant heart for our mates as being less than what we are. In actuality it makes us so much more.
I know you don’t believe Bryan, but it takes a real man to set aside his pride and his self and serve the Lord and his family. After all, Jesus himself washed the feet of the disciples…something a servant would do. Jesus served others and so should we….our wives, husbands AND others.
I found this blog post via Pinterest and am so glad I did. This advice found me at just the right time. Thank you!
I thought this was awesome. I am an educated woman, who had a successful career and left it to fulfill my calling as a wife and mother. I have never been more fulfilled and satisfied than I am now. I strive every day to be a good wife to my husband, and he is an amazing husband to me. We cannot expect to be treated with respect unless we also give it. I think it is a sad turn that some women want to quote feminism to criticize other women, and despise all that is feminine. Thank you for this list!
Bernadette
Wanting equal opportunities for all men and women (feminism) is not going against all that is feminine. Obeying your husband and carefully treading around his feelings is not a feminine trait. It is a subservient trait. People should remain equal in a relationship. Any relationship advice should be about ways in which partners can respect each other equally. Making this a list of rules all women should follow to obey and serve their men is EXTREMELY sexist.
Men and women ARE different. They have different needs. That is why there is a separate list for each. I have watched marriages fall apart simply because those differences were not understood. My husband sees me as just as vital a part of our family as I see him. But in the end, if we don’t agree and he gets the final say, I’m going to be proud to stand BESIDE (not behind) him in support… Not because I am weak, but because I have the STRENGTH to give my TRUST to someone I LOVE. Even when it is hard and when I don’t FEEL like letting go of control. Because LOVE is believing the best in someone. It’s having faith in them. It’s giving selflessly for them. And loving someone like that is NOTHING to be ashamed of!
Beautifully said, and I agree wholeheartedly.
I love this list! Especially important, I think, are bragging about him in public, with him around and without, and to follow his lead. I had some challenges doing the latter, and, when that was pointed out to me, I was quite taken aback. I didn’t realize I was not letting him lead. Of course, choosing joy is always important for creating confidence, in relationships and in life!
Love,
CarolAnn
In reading the comments that are attached to this list, there are so many women that think this is an outdated list and that women shouldn’t be “forced” into doing this. This should be reversed too. I would never feel like I’m losing my identity by deferring the final decisions to my husband (on big decisions), or like I’m succumbing to losing my womanhood by making sure dinner is ready when it’s supposed to be (and if it’s going to be later than usual I apologize!) Why would I feel like less of a woman by kissing him goodbye or admiring him? I love my husband and respect him immensely, why would I not want to show him that respect? Now he knows he’s not going to always come home to a beautifully put together house or wife, but he knows I try, just as I know when he’s home first he gets things done he knows I would want done. It’s about mutual respect, you have to give it to get it.
a few seconds ago · Like
People are so stupid. Women are SO freaking whiny. How is respecting your husband and doing things with him in mind going to make you somehow inferior? Well gee hope you girlies don’t have kids, because with kids it comes naturally to do things just to make them happy. Does that make you inferior to your children? No, that’s ridiculous. God forbid someone give BEFORE they get. And then there’s you other whiners complaining about the title. 25 Ways to Communicate Respect to your Husband. What the heck is so offensive about communicating respect to your husband? Oh wahhhh, he needs to communicate it to meee toooo or else this just isn’t fair and therefore I must put my whiny pants on! Put ME in the title to or else it’s not fair! I believe in political correctness because life is supposed to be FAIR!
No wonder so many men cheat on their wives.
I would say I am pretty much the definition of a strong, leading, strongly-opinionated woman. Guess what? I have been practicing ALL of these points for over a year now. I even “Defer to his wishes, and let final decisions rest with him” (unless he REALLY needs intervening or a little hint) because I am helping my husband learn to make good decisions. We are to help each other grow. Sounds pretty “two way street” and “equal” to me. And I’m only 22. Should be a prime specimen of the whiny generation. But I like having a happy, easy, loving, reciprocative relationship. So I GIVE before I get. Giving ENCOURAGES getting. Even if it didn’t, the world doesn’t revolve around me. And it doesn’t revolve around you, either. Giving doesn’t make you a backwards, 1950’s housewife. You can actually cook dinner for your husband without compromising your “feminism”. Which I always thought was a ridiculous term. “Feminist” are not feminine at all. I am feminine. I like doting on my husband, cooking him dinner, getting up before dawn and packing his lunch, taking care of our child. I get satisfaction by being accomplished. Not accomplishing things for MYSELF, but things that benefit everyone in my family.
But I suppose selflessness is also a regression to modern society.
You guys– I mean girls, have fun putting yourselves first, hope you can look back when your old and dying and be glad that you stood your ground and refused to give respect without first getting it.
🙂
exactly right!!! Ive been married 13 years and have to the best of my ability tried/done what this list promotes and I always get it back in return….i too find it very sad how nobody is willing to be the first to show respect and give respect, whining that they better do it also….i mean gosh, people’s hearts are so selfish these days, im embarrassed as a woman by all the whiners i see on this page. Their husbands must be so proud to stand beside their ranting wives. God help us if this is what the feminist movement created….a bunch of selfish inconsiderate childish complainers.
There’s a huge difference between mutual, loving respect in a relationship and this awful, awful list. It may as well have been written in the 1950s!
Respect in a relationship should go both ways and each partner should be equally supportive and considerate of the other’s feelings. It certainly doesn’t include a wife having to ‘only wear clothing her husband finds attractive, indoors and out’ and constantly smiling to please him, repressing her feelings so as not to concern him, never questioning is judgement, having dinner on the table every day always (this list makes no mention of which partner goes to work. If both go to work, it would be fair if each partner took turns in the cooking).
This list basically instructs woman to be perfect little porcelain dolls with no emotion beyond that of perpetual happiness and no purpose beyond that of home-making and tending to their husband’s needs, physically and emotionally.
A healthy list would encourage both husbands and wives to share their emotions together. So if a wife has had a bad day, she doesn’t feel she has to hide her distress under a smile, but can confide and talk it through with her husband, and visa versa. In a solid relationship, a husband or wife would not attempt to control their partner’s choice in clothes and limit them to only what they find attractive, or force physically affection on the their partner when one isn’t in the mood or is tired.
I don’t see how wanting mutual respect and consideration in a relationship is ‘whiny’ or ‘selfish’. It’s just wanting to be treated like an actual human being and not a house-slave! I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
omg… you rock.
wow! doesn’t the bible talk about having a vipers tongue too ? just saying
Has anyone actually read this? Yikes!?! While some of it is simple good advice some of it feels like it should belong in Romney/Ryan campaign. .
EXACTLY! The advice in this letter should actually be acted out toward any human you care about.
That’s why I’m voting for Romney and Ryan… Respect and Love should be in EVERY marriage. People who don’t believe this also believe a Woman’s “RIGHT” means to take away not only their Babies rights but their lives as well.
for an “Intelligent woman” let me say this… “While professing to be wise, they become fools…”
LOL
That was great! So glad to see a young woman who gets what being a true feminist is! You will do well in your marriage with wisdom like this…keep running this race 🙂
No reason to call anyone stupid or be offensive. Just because mommy never taught YOU that sometimes giving first without expecting anything back can be rewarding, isn’t an excuse for you to go on a rampage and be insulting. You’re still a baby that obviously has a lot to learn in life. Oh, and news flash, life isn’t supposed to be fair always. Just because mommy and daddy spoiled you growing up and made life seem like cotton candy and rainbows doesn’t mean that the world outside your front door was going to be the same. Hopefully you realize that before you teach your child the same thing, and then he/she becomes a person that has to be mean and insult someone to get their point across. I hope you start to think and analyze what you’re going to say before you say it, in this case, before you type it. It’s people like you who try to make a point about something, but because you’re so against the topic, you start to insult; (that, and your lack of vocabulary); and get people in a bad mood, or start an argument. If your comment was supposed to help someone, well it sure isn’t. That’s why mommy always told you “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it at all”. Relax, slow down, and most importantly take your time in life. Enjoy your husband and child, and don’t bring someone’s opinion or statement to the ground to make yourself feel better or because you don’t agree with it.
I have to say that I am extremely shocked to hear what readers have had to say about this post. Tips 3, 4, 16, & 20 are things we should do for all of our loved ones, not just our spouses/significant others. Personally, I am not a fan of #25, 24, 17 & 13. I was always taught to be a leader. I am extremely stubborn and argumentative. I will dress in clothes that I feel are flattering and are comfortable at the same time. And lastly, I don’t cook. I think it is best for everyone if I stay out of the kitchen.
However, #18 is my favorite because I actually enjoy cleaning and keeping my house clean!
The other points do hold a great deal of validity. And I agree with many of the other posts that both men and women/husbands and wives need both love and respect, equally.
Just so you know where I am coming from I am not a religious person. I married into a family that is EXTREMELY religious. That was not easy. I didn’t understand their deep Faith and Devotion. I just didn’t get it. And because this was new and scary to me I didn’t even give them a chance. This caused a huge problem in my marriage. 5 years ago I would have looked at this list and vomited. Now, however, because I have seen the effects of not following these tips I am eager to start following them and repair my failing marriage.
There is no need for name calling. This article is about respect and that is what we should be showing to EVERYONE; regardless of their belief system. Being the first to apologize, or doing something your spouse/significant other enjoys doesn’t make you weak or a slave. It makes you a good person. We shouldn’t do things for other people with the expectations of getting something in return. We should do things for others because we love them and we want to. You don’t need to be a Christian to understand this. We all need to agree to disagree and do what works for us.
Lacie, thank you for answering like that. Some people may not like the tone but it’s the first time I read someone defend the truths with so much courage and passion because they are worthy! so maybe there are better ways to say it but if you’re gonna get excited about something let it be a good thing. I’m proud to see your a young and good wife 🙂
It might be good for you to acknowledge that this is your personal choice in lifestyle. You find it a forfilling existence and that is fine. Feminism at it’s core was always meant to be in defence of a woman’s choice. Key word there being ‘choice’! You enjoy a life as a doting house-wife that takes care of the house and prepares all of your husband’s things, and that is fine. No one should criticise you for that. But equally, you need to appreciate that this is not a lifestyle that all woman want to have, so telling them that they should be just like you, is just as bad as someone looking down on you for not having a career.
Woman, like men, all want different things out of life. Some have full time jobs of their own, sometimes their husbands work too, sometimes their husbands stay home and take care of their kids. What is important to a lot of woman is mutual respect and co-operation. As I’ve said, you enjoy pulling the line at home completely on your own and it makes you happy, but it doesn’t work for everyone and every situation. People have different dynamics in relationships and instructing everyone to follow a list that only works for a relatively small amount of people, is ridiculous.
you guys are all ignorant i really hope you know that.
I should acknowledge that giving respect and being capable of finding self-fulfilment out of doing for others is my personal choice and lifestyle? LOL! You can get correlate all of that with being a stay at home mom, or a wife with a career, actually. Crazy. I know. I actually work from home. Have pretty full days. Still find time.
Okay guys, listen up! Just so you know, respecting my husband and doing for others is MY personal choice and lifestyle, but remember, it’s not for everyone!
Yeah….that kind of sounded dumb, I don’t think I’ll say it again.
I’m going to be called another crying feminist for this but how is having dinner on the table when he comes home a sign of respect? That just sounds like a woman should be a servant to her husband!
As others have said, some of these things are easily acccomplished if youre a stay at home wife (apparently circa 1950 as well). There are general things like thanking him and taking his wants/needs into consideration but please…the way this is written is so dateded. I really hate that I wasted my time coming back to this from pinterest.
I made a pizza from complete scratch the other night and it took all of 10 mins of prep to get it in the oven. I broiled steaks while making cupcakes tonight and it took like 15 mins. Making dinner does not take long unless you’re trying to make something really complicated. I will never understand why women think cooking is some takes so much time and effort. If you want it to be “equal” then just have him clean it up afterward.
Most of this is good advice, but let’s remember that a marriage is a partnership, so statements like, “Learn to defer to his wishes, and let final decisions rest with him.” are just a little extreme to me.
I’ve had this open in my browser for a while now, keep meaning to go back to it and print/share with husband. Nitpicking here, but I’ve come across a few more similar posts by others, and there is always a “dress to please,” “do your hair/makeup,” “exercise at least 3 times a week,” etc. And I have yet to see this on the man’s side. Are we still stuck with that double standard that only women have to care about their appearances or that only the man’s physical attraction to his wife matters? I agree that there should be a level of physical upkeep, but I’m getting frustrated only seeing that onus being put on the woman. Your husband’s response has simple good hygiene, but that doesn’t go near as far as what is usually suggested for women.
I agree with the list…if it goes both ways.
…..if it goes both ways.
Guess you’ll just both “hold out” til one of you caves and is respectful or thoughtful towards the other? Sorry, but that sounds like the logic of a pouty 6 year old girl. If you followed a lot of things on this list, in a normal, non-abusive relationship, the spouse would end up following suit. Guys don’t normall wear makeup, but if that’s something you want your husband to do, then that’s your preog. Men are attractive if they are clean and dressed nicely. That’s the difference in the two. Not really a double standard. But to each her own. 😉
What disappointment in some women, crying feminism at every turn. Respecting your husband doesn’t mean losing your identity as a woman or yourself.
You can still be a strong woman, yet loving, caring and respectful. I just found this list, but most of what’s on it, I do with my husband.
Don’t ask what he can do for you, but what you can do for him, vice versa as well. In a relationship where you both sacrifice your self needs to fulfill each other, will find more strength, love and peace with and for each other.
PS: for you women who cry feminism, you keep saying its been fought all these years for female rights, FINE, but don’t play the victim when things go wrong!! The law likes to favor women in any situation, so if you’re the abuser, go on, let the nice police man know what you did and serve your time too.
The list is elaborate and specific. As such, it asks for critique of its content. If critique is not welcome, then comments would be disabled. Also, being specific, it conveys the impression that to not do any of these things is the opposite of these suggestions: disrespectful.
The author is able to handle the scrutiny of her suggestions, which will make her a better writer and observer of human behavior in the long run.
You are very perceptive, Leslie. I do indeed welcome discussion and can accept the fact that not all of my readers agree with me. My list was never intended to define 25 hard and fast rules. Rather, these are meant merely as suggestions for wives who do in fact respect their husbands, as to how they might best communicate that respect.
No, I’m sorry, but the law does not favor women. Statistically, while there are more cases of rape, domestic abuse, and primary caregivers are favored, women also tend to be more frequently involved in those cases. To quote my fiancée, it’s like saying that men of a particular cultural background are favored in the NBA…they’re not favored, there are just more of them.
Extreme feminism is bound to cause problems, as is any extreme stance, but some marriages do work with equality. My parents just celebrated their 35th anniversary, and my mother is a director of a large auditing firm who would giggle if anyone ever suggested that she be content with what my dad provides for her, because she is the major breadwinner.
There seems to be an equal amount of anger on both sides, and while I am one of you, I would caution Christian women reading this to avoid presenting yourselves as better than others in anything you write or say. There is nothing appealing, evangelical, or Christ-like in presenting a prideful attitude because you found a list that embodies what you are. You’re not better; you’re saved. There’s a huge difference.
For some reason, my post about being elaborate and specific ended up here when it was supposed to be a reply to another post from 9/7/12, WAAAAAY up there ^^^^. Oops!
Could have just summed it up by saying “Treat him like a child by overly praising the good because otherwise he won’t know how to act.” How about having the respect for him to treat him like an adult and partner?
And you wonder why the divorce rate is so high? This article is awesome, and I hope all you crabby women realize if you put a little more love into your marriage, you wouldn’t be so moody and angry. BTW, I FEEL BAD FOR YOUR HUSBANDS!!
“Let final decisions rest with him”? Uh, no. There are two equally important people involved here – I’m not by default acquiescing to whatever hubby thinks is best.
I think they need to make the title to this article how a Husband and Wife can communicate respect to each other!
And where is the “25 ways to communicate respect to your wife” hmm…
This is why I hate organized religion. Buncha fairy tale bull … Whatever floats your boat though.
Lol. Bitter much? I s’pose I live a fairy tale then seeing how all of this has been working wonderfully for me 😉
Challenging. Inspiring. Convicting. Your post hits hard, but it’s presented in a way that makes me think, “I can do this!” Thanks so much for writing this, sharing it with us, and even for the printables! I was definitely blessed by it!
Oh, and I just bought the kindle edition of your book! Can’t wait to read it!
Thanks, Rachel. Let me know what you think of it!
Reblogged this on My Life as Robin's Wife and commented:
I found this list to contain so many practical ways to communicate respect to my husband. I have not read Jennifer’s book, but will consider it in light of this great encouragement she has posted here. Thank you for spurring me on to love and good deeds toward my husband!
I agree with alot of this article. There are many things I already do… many that I don’t also. For example, I don’t believe I should ALWAYS look my best when my husband gets home, considering he changes into sweats the minute he gets home. 🙂 I sometimes have a hard time putting his likes and feelings ahead of mine, especially after a full day of tending to my 2 children, but it is worth it in the end when he does the same for me! He has praised me for being able to tidy up the house as well as I can with the little ones running around! He praises my cooking, and respects me as much as I respect him. I believe if I do more he will. While we have a wonderful marriage and are perfectly happy, doing more will never hurt! I don’t believe the author was saying you have to do all these things to make him happy… do what you can to make you both happy! I am a strong independent woman, and a veteran, who was raised to not depend on anyone, but I was also raised to respect others, especially those you love! I applaud the woman who wrote this to try and help others have a succesful marriage, and also for writing another article just for men.
P.S. If you don’t like it, Don’t do it! No one is twisting your arm here!
The writer of this blog must have the luxury of being a stay at home mom… Must be nice…! Working a 40 hour week with a two year old, a dog, and a husband makes it a little hard to always have a “tidy” home.
Being a stay at home mom is not always a luxury! I worked thru the first year of my sons life as a single mom while in the military. Working away from home is tough, especially on long 12-16 hour days… I know and remember very well how great it would be to stay at home with my son. Now that I am a stay at home mom, with a 3yr old and 6mo old, and a dog, it is not easy either! It is always difficult to have a tidy home, that’s why its a treat for my husband to come home to one!
However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33. Respecting our husband is a command. Respect doesn’t mean you become a doormat, it simply means you honor the man you married. They don’t need love as women do. They are made differently, designed by God to need our respect.
I’m sorry, but these rules are part of a bigger school of thought on religion and marriage. I sat through a 6 hour lecture on it at a church before I was married. You ARE supposed to be a to be a doormat. One of the most shocking things was that as a wife I am to never disagree with my husband an that he is the head decision maker. My goodness can you imagine having to go along with whatever your husband decides no matter what? My husband wanted to take a very long flight during my first trimester – am I to go along with it and vomit for 9 hours straight? And risk dehydration because I am not to say no to my husband? Think about it this way – if I suppress my emotions, needs, wants and fears how is that good for me and my marriage? Would my husband be happy if he is waited on hand and foot and doesn’t have to hear about it when I’m struggling with something? No! Because he loves me and wants me to be happy. An happiness for me is not just being hugged and made to feel loved. It comes from being a partner and equal an not just a dog on a short leash.
People are mad because it reminds them of this article: http://tillmydyingday.blogspot.ca/2011/01/good-wifes-guide.html
It’s up to the couple on the duties of the house.
Anyway, some of these are nice like smiling and kissing each other, not interrupting and being thankful.
I completely agree Am. My husband and I try to live as partners and equals. Reading this just made me feel like my feelings shouldn’t matter. I whole heartedly disagree with number 25. My husband and I sit down and make discussions together. We are both the head of our family. I would never have married a man that left all the household duties to me and expected me to follow him around like a puppy. I however agree with one of the above comments, if they would have written this article as a general guide for both spouses it would have gone over better.
Because this falls into the myth that men only want respect while women only want love. It is a very specific set of rules for men and women, which are designed to be different. Frankly, I both love and respect my husband and he feels the same about me. We sat through a marriage seminar that went over these rules in great detail for hours and it was such a good experience for us – we realized that we want to be partners insted of having a master/slave relationship. yes, I do a great deal of the housework, I sometimes wear sweatpants and am not a perfect housekeeper. I sometimes feel sad and don’t pretend to be happy all the time to spare him. I’m not a robot designed for his pleasure and comfort. If you want to live your life like this fine – but do not be shocked when other women are a little disturbed by these rules.
I have only been married for 1 year and my husband and I are beginning to struggle in our relationship. I realize that I have not done all the things listed above, but I have practiced many of them. When discussing our relationship my husbands main concern is that he doesn’t really know me and what I want. To be with someone who is SO aggreeable and sweet can be quite trying. Not to mention a heavy burden to be expected to make so many decisions for the two of us. Trying to find a balances is proving extremely challenging. However we are both committed to each other and making our marriage work and thrive.
Thank you for your post! I don’t agree with everything, but i do believe that it is important to show love to your spouse and to respect them! I make dinner and clean the house not because my husband expects it, but because i love him and i want him to come home from a stressful day of work to a welcoming environment.
I believe that a marriage is all about sacrafice! We both give up our wants to make each other happy! We are companions, equal partners. I was taught that a husband and wife need to be equal. Even though i am a stay at home mom we are still equal. We have different responsiblities, but that doesnt mean we aren’t equal.
Marriage should be full of respect from BOTH side not just the women’s. Not all women “submit” to their husbands nowadays. I’m engaged right now and I sure fire am not gonna let my husband lead and me follow. I was raised in a home where the wife was equal to her husband . Sure you can do nice things for them but they should do To same to you I read both lists and their both a bunch of crap. Marriage was based on 2 people joining. TOGETHER not a leadership role. For people who feel that way I’m very sad for y’all. Apparently your moms didn’t show you how to to be independent and not lean on a man. For every relationship both parties deserve respect MALE OR FEMALE. That goes both ways not one. TWO WAY ROAD HERE PEOPLE
This is brilliant! Thank you for sharing, I struggle with quite a bit of these in my life and I’m excited to see God move as He helps me through this for the sake of my marriage 🙂 so inspiring.
For anyone who disagrees with this article, it’s really important to stop and pray on these things. We have to look out for what will benefit our spouse and marriage before our own pleasures and happiness. By following these simple steps we can find ourselves extremely blessed by putting our spouses before ourselves. It’s so much more fulfilling then one may think. Try it. You won’t regret it.
Jennifer –
This article is so well written — stay positive and keep writing. Don’t let the negative comments below stop you from doing the work of our Lord! He is going to continue to bless you and your family!
I would like to see the article labled 25 ways to communicate respect to your wife. Im a very strong woman who does everything in my relationship. I work full time and have a 2 hour drive everyday. This isnt 1920 anymore where the woman stays at home and pampers her husband. If he wants respect then i should get it in return. I love the dont nag him because hes not a 2 year old part. Really? If hes a grown man then he should be able to realize when things need done just to do them. But men do not realize this thus woman nag. Poor men they have it so bad. Give me a break.
your comment makes me sad. I don’t believe marriage is a 50/50 give and take sort of thing. its a 100/100 give give. If my mind set remains like that, my marriage will be in wonderful shape and I will receive joy from blessing and serving my husband. You’re right, this isn’t 1920 anymore. In 2012 there are thousands of other things that can steal a mans heart and distract him from the wife he committed himself to. As wives, we have the responsibility to do everything in our power to serve our spouse and make him realize what he wants is right in front of him, without expecting anything in return. Expectations = disappointment… People will always fail us and will never meet our expectations.
Thanks for these great reminders! May the women who follow this wisdom be truly blessed.
My mom did all these things for my dad for 15 years and he still cheated on her and left her for a 22 year old. Makes me lose all faith in marriage…it goes both ways.
Excellent list! Thank you for this! And just ignore the naysayers. They don’t get it. 🙂
this post makes me sad for what “good” women are supposed to be. I refuse to bow down and worship my future husband. I’d like to take this post and change it to 25 ways to communicate respect to yourself.
make sure you tell your future husband that you will never put him above yourself, im sure he will love your selfishness
Without justifying my comments by bragging about how faithful I am or how long we’ve been married, I believe that in some marriages, this would work. In my marriage, adhering to 1-25 would turn me into a very angry woman and would tick off my husband. I don’t nag and I keep our house tidy. I respect my husband. But, I married my equal, and he married his. I will not submit to him because he didn’t marry a submissive woman! My husband does not want the full responsibility of “leading” our family, whatever that means. Both of our opinions count. We’re both highly educated, well read, informed people. We both have good ideas and we enjoy discussing them. He is the breadwinner but I pay the bills. He does laundry and I do grocery shopping. It’s absurd to absolve the husband of all housework because it turns him into an infant. He married his wife, not his mother. He’s an adult and he should take pride in contributing in ways other than just earning money. If his ego is so fragile that he has to have it his way all the time, then he’s no different that a toddler who throws a tantrum. Men who can’t handle their wives opinions need to GROW UP! We’ve never even considered the idea that the final decision should always rest with him because in some situations, I have deeper knowledge of the subject! The final decision usually comes down to who is best informed. We both agree that he’s the expert in time management and event planning because it’s his career. We both agree that I know more about fiscal and physical health because it’s my career. We have mutual respect for each other because we live our lives in a way that commands respect from each other. Submission is not necessarily a show of respect. In my family, we thrive on discussion and reason. We would both sink into a pit of intellectual laziness if I submitted.
I have lived a few years now and have some experiences under my belt now. I’ve been a child raised in the height of feminism and raised two women of my own. I’ve been a working mother and had a failed relationship and a supremely fulfilling relationship. I see nothing wrong with this list and in fact they are words I live by. My husband and I are content and share mutual love and respect. Embracing my role as woman has made me the most happiest of my whole life and I regret swallowing a lot of the feminist angst in my early years, it brought me nothing but false expectations and disappointment. My husband is my protector, my champion, my leader. He is my shelter and sustenance. It is not subservience that makes me want to support him and nurture him. I admire your bravery publishing this post. It has certainly aroused strong emotional responses in some people. I hope you will focus on the positive.
^ great post.
It amazes me that we try so hard to win our husband’s heart before we get married, but we don’t try to do anything to maintain or keep our relationship w/ him afterwards. Dressing up, looking nice, love notes, thinking of and putting him first came so natural. What we’re really saying is- Now that we’re married, he has to love me unconditionally, but I get to love him conditionally. Thanks for the list. It’s a great reminder.
Thank you for writing and posting these! I loved them so much I posted them for daily reminders on facebook! and man do some ladies not like them LOL.. Great JOb! LOVE Them!
I enjoyed these suggestions very much! I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints ( our nickname is ‘ The Mormons’ ). Our church put out a statement called ” The Family: A Proclamation to the World” in 1995. It states, “…the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” It also says,” Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for eachother…” Another part I love says, ” …fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.” I feel that the world is doing everything it can to attack the family and to attack the holy institution of marriage. The list of ways to show respect to a husband will help strengthen a marriage! Thanks for sharing this with us!
before being married, i would have scoffed at this post. the idea of being mild and quiet and letting someone “get away with” messing up stories and such seemed ridiculous to me. let alone trying to look nice for someone when all i really want to do is put on sweats after a long day at work.
i’ve been married for almost a year now, and can see SO much more sense in this post now. i am in NO way a silent, subservient woman– but doing the little things on this list makes me feel better, too. i like to look my best for him– and i like it when he cleans up for me. i like cooking what he likes sometimes (even if it’s not my favorite) because it makes him happy– and i love it when he brings home my favorite ice cream (even though it’s not his favorite). i have seen it hurt his feelings if i’m crabby and move away when he tries to cuddle me on the couch… and letting him put his arm around me usually ends up making me feel better (even though that fact drives me crazy sometimes! ha!).
i have learned in the last year that when you have someone who loves you in a real and sacrificial way, all these things come easily– and the more time i spend with him, the more i want to do these things.
My husband can do all this nonsense for me if he expects it in return.
wow, for what reason did you get marrried??? You two just sit there miserable 24/7?
I do believe the husband leads, but it is servant leadership – not dictatorship or having his own way on anything and everything – he is supposed to put his wife’s needs and desires above his own. As far as the woman who posted “respect his money” – it is not “his” money – nothing is “his” or “hers when a man and woman are one flesh.
Respecting your husband is equal to men loving their wives – it’s what each craves most. If a man loves his wife as Christ does the church, then a woman will respect her husband. It seems to me a man would rather have his wife admire him than be respectful, which is how children are to treat their elders.
Most couples both have jobs outside the home, so both should clean and prepare meals. Also, a man may have been at his job all day, but a housewife/mom’s job is from the moment she gets out of bed to when she crawls in, plus she has no Sat or Sun off.
Isn’t it supposed to be a blance of putting the other before yourself – she does for him – he does for her – and people have a lot of needs and desires met.
As far as being attractive for her husband – really, there are some guys who don’t bother to brush their teeth before bed, they pass gas, and have put on weight since the wedding – it needs to go both ways. Neither should expect the other to be who they were on the wedding day – be attractive for yourself and your spouse. Don’t stop holding hands. Both should stop what they’re doing when the other has something to say and give attention – men are notorious for not giving their full attention to their wives and children.
This list has good suggestions for both, as long as both going into it with the purpose of blessing and loving their spouse and not worrying about getting something in return.
No, I am not married – yet, but will be someday. Being alone and single in today’s world is not fun – cherish your spouse – invest in your marriage – pray, pray, pray for your spouse/self/marriage/family – all are under satanic attack .
My sentiments exactly!
OMG!!! WOMEN DONT BELIEVE THIS CRAP U SICK PEOPLE TWISTED THE BIBLE AROUND GOD HAS NAME FOR ONE AND SECOND WOMEN ARE NOT FRKN RAG DOLLS WE HAVE FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS MEN ALSO NEED TO RESPECT THAT RESPECT UR WIFE LOVE UR WIFE UR WIFE WILL DO THE SAME PLEASE WOMEN OUT THEIR IF UR HUSBAND MAKES U READ THIS OR DO THIS LEAVE HIM U DESERVE BETTER THEN THIS U SICK FREAKS!!!!!
It isn’t being a rag doll. Why are you so angry? My husband rubs my feet every night, he changes diapers, works full time, and cooks more than I do. He does things for me and I do things for him. Maybe you should read the love dare-it might explain things better so that you can understand them, and it is about reciprocation ( not sure I spelled that right ).
Girl, you have exactly the right name…..GIRL! when you can act like a woman, then you can comment
P.S. My husband is taking me to dinner tonight and wanted me to pick where to eat- to make me happy. I am going to pick his favorite place to make him happy. That is what will make me happy! He is the greatest and I love him with all my heart- that doesn’t make me anti or pro anything.
This article should be taken for the good intentions it displays and not nit picked apart. We all have many differences. You should ask yourself- what is the writer trying to do? Is this coming from a good place to help people, or a bad place to make others unhappy? Nothing is for everyone. If you don’t agree-don’t do it.
Thank you so much for writing this. I was married for 19 yrs and we had 4 children then went through a divorce. My ex-husband was a cheater and emotionally and verbally abusive. I’m now married to a wonderful man who I love and adore and he feels the same about me. I have purposed in my heart to love, respect and cherish him and treat him as you have described. He has also treated me with the same. We may not always agree but I’d rather agree to disagree and know that God will work in his heart if it needs to be changed. It’s amazing that us not nagging allows God to speak when needed. 🙂 I feel I have not lost myself but have gained something so freeing that I’ve never had before in a marriage. God is soo good. I think we as Godly women need to consider what is Godly and rather than that that is the culture of our society. I’d much rather do what God asks us to do and be blessed then to try to live how every other broken marriage lives. Thank you for having the courage to write this and I pray that God blesses you.
Absolutely Wonderful Post.
I think this is the most amazing list I have ever read on respecting your husband! It goes along with being the proverbs 31 women. It’s hard for most woman to understand this list…first of all, it doesnt look like the world. It doesnt fit into today’s culture. That’s the point I guess! We are not suppose to fit into the world. Love is a cyle. This author is directing women. Just women. Not men. God gave the command that husbands need to LOVE there wives. But, he also said wives RESPECT your husband! So this woman is coming from her point of view as a woman and a wife. Surely, should couldn’t come the husband’s perspective! So back to love is a cyle. Wives if you show RESPECT…. Your Husbands show LOVE. The wives feel loved so they show respect. The husbands feel respected so they show love. It’s truly how it works! Sometimes as wives we need to be selfless and start first…show respect to our husbands even if they arent showing love. I promise you that if you put these things into practice your husband will feel respected and then show you love and so on……..
I thought this was a wonderful and helpful list, as was the reciprocal one for husbands. I just skimmed the many many comments, and would not have bothered to comment but for the fact I want to encourage you. I heard someone reflect once that when people hear a truth they do not like, their first impulse is anger. Don’t let their anger upset you and the work you have set out to accomplish. Well done, ma’am.
Thank you so much for taking your time and reminding us how to have a God glorifying marriage and making the one we love most, happy:)
After all, we are created to be the helpers not the princesses:)
May God give us strength and we stand Holy and blameless before him when we have to give account for the wives we’ve been. May that be our ministry in life and may we put our all into it, so hard but thank God He is on our side:) for with Him all things are possible.
All these negative comments show the world why half of marriages end in divorce. Even if you don’t want to be religious this is still a great list. Husbands and wives should respect each other. When you appreciate and respect you husband you get it back. Marriage is just looked at two people working seperate it should be two people working together! Its sad to see that people don’t automatically want to do these things for your husband, seems to me if you really loved each other you would strive for it! Thanks for the awesome list I know my marriage will last because I actually care about it ( and he does too).
I think this is a great article! 🙂 May God bless you abundantly for expressing the Gospel and also encouraging people to live their lives by following the Lord and His Word. 🙂
In general I wouldn’t have an issue with this post. It’s a genuine attempt to improve relationships. However, there are so many outdated assumptions about relationships & gender stereotypes that made it very difficult to take seriously. For example, send your husband off with a kiss/kiss him when he gets home – based purely upon the assumption that the woman doesn’t work herself. or “Every woman looks more beautiful when she smiles.” Excuse me? Every PERSON looks more beautiful with a smile. Why is this restricted to the female gender? To me, another case which enforces the attempt to reduce women to their physical beauty. In general, had this article been written for BOTH sexes, I would’ve given it a big thumbs up. But I take great offense that apparently only women need follow these “commandments.”
Wow. OR this article was written specifically to women, so she was talking to females in general. Does everything have to be “politically correct”? You know if an article like this was written specifically for men, no one would be complaining that it should be written for women too! But anything that suggests a woman should be nice to her husband is somehow backwards and straight out of the 1950’s. Of course EVERYONE looks better when smiling! And, here’s a thought: I work outside the home as well, but I still “send” my husband off to work with a kiss, and kiss him when he gets home. Amazing, right? You can be a “modern”, “liberated” woman and STILL kiss your husband before and after work!
This list is perfect, those who are making negative comments about it… just look at those around you. By no mean am I a woman who thinks I’m weak or less than my husband at all. I choose to follow God’s standards because they are for my own benefit and since I decided to follow his footsteps my life has never been the same as well as my marriage! We both have learned to focus on our own faults to work on them instead of blaming the other and thinking you have done nothing wrong. I highly recommend women to try this out!!! You WILL see a difference! Otherwise, people don’t need to trash talk others views/opinions. Freedom of Speech is for everyone, non-Christians and Christians.
I thought this was great! 🙂 Sad to see so many young woman commenting that have rebellious spirits though…it’s the times we are living in, unfortunately. I would just bet that if you are married to a half-way decent guy and you applied these things in your marriage you would remain happily married for life! Proverbs 31 Women Rule 🙂 <3
“Rebellious spirits”?! Spare me the sermon. I was raised in a hardcore, Bible-thumping, Independent Baptist church, and I saw NOTHING but subservient women who wouldn’t even breathe without asking their husbands first. It’s pathetic. There is a difference in being respectful and being SUBMISSIVE. I DO NOT believe a woman is obligated to “submit” to her husband. Get your head out of the 1950’s, ladies. The Proverbs 31 woman is a doormat.
Rachel, I’m guessing you are no longer a part of that hardcore, bible-thumping, independent Baptist church anymore, am I right? You decided, for yourself, that you know better than God does, right? When God said to women Submit to your husband, you thought that was a horrible thing to do, am I right? You totally missed that part where God told the husband to love his wife like Christ loved the church. Willing to die for her, right?
You seem to know so much more now that your “eye’s” have been opened and you are no longer blinded by this religion, right? Am I even close to how you are or feel?
You want to rule your own life, right? Well, I have news for you. You will. You have total free will to do as you please, for a season. But, there will come a time when every knee shall bow. And when that time comes, I am wondering if you will long for that ol’ Baptist church of long ago? I wonder if you will be looking for a way to take it all back. I’m guessing you haven’t even read Proverbs 31 in so long you don’t even know what it says.
Honestly, Albert, I don’t think you’re going to appeal to many non-religious persons by claiming that in the end they will know God or know how wrong it was to leave the church when they will have to “fall to their knees” in his glory, or something along those lines. The wonderful thing about this country is that we each get to decide what’s right for us, how we choose to conduct ourselves, what our relationships are like, and what we choose to say. I read this article as a non-religious person, and while I don’t disagree with some of the points, I also don’t agree with a few of them. I would never tell this author that they don’t have the right to say whatever they feel, nor do I judge those that have opposing/similar views. Everyone needs to find their own path and that could look very different to each individual. Being religious or not shouldn’t change the heart of a person… I’m sad that so often it is the arguable point in so much of our daily lives.
I also grew up in an ultra conservative, bible thumping, southern Baptist church. It’s people like you who turned me away from it. Get off your high horse and if you really want to preach what you believe then I’d suggest that you use LOVE rather than FEAR to get your point across. What an embarrassment for Christians to be associated with your kind of “gospel”.
Being a good wife who respects her husband has nothing to do with religion. I take pride in having a meal prepared for my husband when he comes home, or baking his favorite pie, having his laundry folded and put away or just making sure the kitchen is clean. I respect my husband by not speaking poorly of him, and our friends have said many times that they can see the love we share. He, likewise, does the same for me when I am busy with work, school, or when I just want to go to the gym for some me time. Would you not expect your husband to respect you in all of the ways listed above? We are not a religious couple. We are a military couple – and have been separated by deployment and duty. Some say that what this author has written about respect sets back feminism – I think a lack of respect is a reason for failing marriages and unions.
opened my eyes about my attitude
All these tips are things that should come naturally 🙁 It’s almost like you’re expected to be a slave to your own husband. Isn’t he supposed to treat you exactly the way you treat him?
I like your list a lot, but I have to say that I have one issue with 19.
I agree with being content and not spending outside your means, but where you say, “he is able to provide for you,” it’s assumed that the husband is the one doing the providing.
I’ll use myself as an example. I’m recently engaged; we’re Christians, and this is his second marriage. He is able to remarry, according to the Bible. I’m 34 and he’s 45. I own my home, have a good job that pays well, and bought it alone. He and I are compatible in more ways than I ever thought possible. He is the most amazing man I have ever met, and to date is the biggest blessing in my life. He’s brilliant and kind and funny and treats me like a queen. However, I don’t need his money, and even after we’re married he won’t be the major breadwinner. It’s not an issue to him, and as he was my closing attorney when I bought my house, he’s well aware of where we stand there. Although I’ve said to him that I want him to lead, and he absolutely does when it’s needed, he insists that we are equals and that we will make decisions together.
Frankly, I’ve never met a Christan, Bible-believing man who felt that way, but I can recognize that it is God’s doing that we are together because our personalities compliment each others’. In fact, because he’s a lawyer with an off-the-charts IQ, he loves when I debate with him and often asks for my advice with business matters. As much as I’m not remotely cut out to be subservient, he wouldn’t be happy if I was.
To make a long story a little shorter, while I think it’s great to respect your husband and we should always strive for that, we live in a day and age when women aren’t always stay-at-home housewives and often carry more of the financial contribution to the household.
My suggestion would be to re-word 19 to: take satisfaction in the lifestyle that the two of you have.
I think people are really nit-picking here. I work outside the home, too, and didn’t take issue with number 19. Obviously, it’s meant for women who are stay-at-home moms, or whose husbands are the main provider. Not every little thing has to have a caveat to please everyone. Read it, apply it as necessary. Make changes where necessary. No two homes are the exact same, and every family will operate a little differently. This is just a general guideline of how to show respect.
Thank you for this great reminder of ways to show respect to our husbands…I am (sadly) VERY guilty of not showing my husband respect. This has been such an eye opener and I think it will help me to stop and think before I disrespect him again.
wow! this is awesome!! geez so much negativity here, i loved this article!
these are just good ways for people to respect one another, it should have nothing to do with religion or male/female
Yes Sarah, I couldn’t agree more.
Agreed!
Excellent!!!!!! Very well said.
Leah is 100% correct. There is nothing wrong with loving and honoring your husband. Nothing at all. Why would you not do that? How many of you who replied negatively to the article do these things anyway? Probably most of you, to be honest. Don’t you cook things he likes? Clean your home? Try to look pretty for him? Kiss him goodbye? Listen to him? Smile at him? I’m sure you do – so what is the big deal? It’s sad that it is considered negative and wrong for a woman to be kind to her husband. I didn’t see one thing on that list that was demeaning or shouldn’t be a part of a loving, mutually respectful marriage. But, suggesting that this article is setting back feminism is outrageous!!! Love and respect go hand in hand. And I’m sorry, if you are married to a man that doesn’t reciprocate these things, then you probably have other issues to address. And I learned that the hard way.
I first read this and thought. “That is simply amazing!” I loved every bit of it and thought about how much it would help my marriage by simply respecting my husband in ways I never even thought of, even though some of them are a bit of a challenge for me to be completely honest. But I’m willing to challenge myself to not only to show respect for my husband and strengthen my marriage, but to also live my life in a God honoring way. So obviously when I read a few of the comments, I was completely shocked to see that anyone even disagreed with it, especially so strongly.
Also, I completely agree with you Leah!
for all those women out there that are complaining that the guys don’t have a list:
25 things a man can communicate love to his wife,
1) Choose Joy
It’s true: A happy husband makes a happy life. Please don’t use guilt as an attempt to manipulate your wife but in all things rejoice, because that’s the right thing to do.
2) Honor Her Wishes
Give weight to what your wife thinks is important. Make those things a priority that matter most to her, whether it’s picking up after yourself when you get home from work or helping with laundry and keeping the house tidy or limiting computer time. Don’t make her ask twice.
3) Give Her Your Undivided Attention
Yes, I know that men can’t normally master multi-tasking, so when your wife is speaking to you, make a point to lay other tasks aside, look into her eyes, and listen to what she is saying with the goal of understanding and remembering her words.
4) Don’t Interrupt
Have you ever been around a person who won’t let you finish a sentence? That gets old fast. Even if you think you already know what your wife is going to say, allowing her to say it without cutting him off mid-sentence shows both respect and common courtesy.
5) Emphasize Her Good Points
Sure, she has her faults (as do you), but dwelling on them will only make you (both) miserable. Choose instead to focus on those qualities in your wife that you most admire.
6) Pray for Her
Nilly Graham is quoted as saying, “The most eloquent prayer is the prayer through hands that heal and bless.” Take your concerns to God. Faithfully lift up your wife in prayer every day, and you will likely notice a transformation not only in her, but in yourself, as well. And above all use your hands to help around the house and bless her with all you do.
7) Don’t put her down
Your wife is a grown woman, you have no right to degrade her. Leave room for God to work. You are not the Holy Spirit, so do not try to do His job.
8) Be Thankful
Cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Don’t take your wife for granted. Be appreciative for everything she does for you, whether big or small. Always say thank you.
9) Smile at Her
Smiles spread happiness. Smiles have even been shown to create happiness. Smiles are contagious. And a smile makes any woman know she is beautiful to you.
10) Respond Physically
Did you know that the way you respond (or don’t respond) to your wife romantically has a profound effect on her self-confidence? Don’t just grab her but because you are in the mood. Spend the time letting her know you love her and desire her. Your enthusiasm might push her away, but if you spend the time clearing things off her plate so she can have time to relax along with making her feel secure, it will do wonders to bring about her desire for you as well. Make her feel well-respected and loved.
11) Eyes Only for Her
Don’t compare your wife unfavorably to other women, real or imaginary. It is neither fair nor respectful and will only breed trouble and discontent. Avoid watching movies or reading books that might cause you to stumble in this area, as well. She is more women than you will ever need if you giver her the attention she deserves.
12) Kiss Hie Goodbye
Success and respect often go hand-in-hand, so be sure to kiss her right, and don’t forget to greet her with a kiss when you return home, for good measure. Show her she is the one you want to be with and no one else.
13) Pamper Her
Spend the time to message her feet or find that one spot that she just needs rubbed. Send her to get her toes done with a friend while you watch the kids. Give her back messages and do those special things she loves so that she can see that you love her.
14) Cherish Togetherness
I love to sit near my wife, whether at home or away. Our church shares potluck dinners every Sunday afternoon, and although the men and women normally sit separately to visit, I like to position myself close enough to my wife that I can listen to the conversation, as I think everything she says is so interesting. At home, I’ll take my book or handwork to whatever room in the house she’s working in, just to be close to her, because I enjoy her company, even when neither of us is talking.
15) Don’t Complain
Nobody wants to be around a whiner or complainer. It is grating on the nerves. Remember the serenity prayer: accept the things you can’t change, courageously change the things you can, seek wisdom to know the difference.
16) Resist the Urge to Correct
I know one wife whose spouse can’t tell a story without her stopping him fifteen times to correct inconsequential details: “It wasn’t Monday evening, it was Monday afternoon…. It wasn’t blue, it was turquoise…. He didn’t ride the bus, he took a shuttle.” Please. Please. Please. Don’t ever do that to your husband — or to anyone else, for that matter! (Proverbs 17:28)
17) Dress to Please Her
Take care of your appearance. Choose clothes your wife finds flattering, both in public and around the house.
18) Keep the House Tidy
To the best of your abilities, try to maintain a clean and orderly home. Seek to make it a haven of rest for your entire family. She will appreciate your efforts.
19) Be Content
Do not pressure your wife to keep up with the “Jonses”. Take satisfaction in the lifestyle she is building along side you.
20) Take Her Advice
Do not dismiss her opinions lightly, especially when you’ve asked for her counsel in the first place. Make every effort to follow your wife’s advice.
21) Admire Her
Voiced compliments and heartfelt praise are always welcome, but you should also make it your habit to just look at your wife in a respectful, loving way. Think kind thoughts toward her. She’ll be able to see the compassion in your eyes.
22) Protect Her
Protect your wife in the way you speak of her to family and friends. Guard her reputation and feelings and do not let minor disagreements at home cause you to speak ill of her in public. Live in such a way that it will be obvious to others why your wife married you in the first place. Some of the highest praise she can get is that she was smart in her choice of men.
23) Forgive Her Shortcomings
Do not hold grudges against your wife. Do not allow a root of bitterness or resentment find a home in your heart. Forgive your wife freely, as Christ has forgiven you.
24) Don’t Argue
You are not always right, and you do not always have to have the last word. Be the first to say, “I’m sorry.” Be willing to accept the blame. It takes two to argue, so “abandon a quarrel before it breaks out.”
25) Walk with her
If you want your wife to respect you, you must be willing to listen to her and love her. Neither a body nor a family can function well with two heads. Learn to defer to your wife’s wishes and consider her input when making decisions, but only after she has her input.
Haha! If only the author had titled this “25 Ways to Communicate Respect to Your Spouse”… Would’ve saved all this drama!
AGREED! Relationships are two-way streets!
Agree! Its 50-50. Author messed up the title of this one!
So true. What woman doesn’t want that? So treat others the way you’d like to be treated then…
I guess it just comes down to whether the man is also intently listening to everything the wife says and never interrupts her and also dresses to impress her. Of course mutual respect is pivotal to a marriage but there are a lot of little things in here that seem backwards like having dinner ready when he gets home and tidying up without him having to ask (#2), as well as putting such an emphasis on how you look (#17) as if that is the most important job as a woman.
Agreed
I’m sorry, but what is backwards about keeping a neat house, or making dinner? I’m not saying a husband shouldn’t help with housework (mine does), but who wants to come home to a disaster every day? And where was there an “emphasis” on looks? Because it was mentioned in a list of 25 other things? So it’s not backwards to get dressed up when you’re going out in public, but to have the courtesy of looking nice (no one said you have to look perfect and wear tons of makeup, just don’t be in your bathrobe all day) for the one person who should matter most to you is not okay? Your husband’s feelings for you shouldn’t be based on how you look, but combing your hair and dressing neatly just shows a person respect. And how you treat your husband shouldn’t be dependent on how he treats you – nor should that have bearing on how you treat anyone. “Love those that hate you, do good to those that despitefully use you and persecute you” comes to mind here. We should treat everyone with kindness. A husband that treats his wife badly isn’t worthy of being a husband, no one is disputing that, but this article is about putting your spouse first, not about “you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.” I’m sorry that so many women feel like it’s backwards to treat your husband with respect. I wonder why there’s so much divorce in this country.
Maybe it was poorly titled, maybe the bible verses scare people, maybe a few statements initially sound “anti-feminist,”… But if you read it, REALLY read it… A loving, happy marriage is one where you just want to make each other happy. This can be expressed in asking for advice, doing nice deeds (like dinner), getting/giving unexpected gifts, compliments, or kisses 🙂 And let’s be honest… What girl doesn’t want to spend the time, then have her husband come through that door, smile, and tell her she’s beautiful. This article doesn’t say it shouldn’t be a two-way street. It just says don’t forget the little things. And if I could pick just one, Kiss Him Goodbye… Always 🙂
And another thing, this list isn’t about how to make yourself some weird subservient ignorant little wife, it’s about putting your spouse’s needs before yourself. How horrifying, right!!! Thinking of someone’s needs before thinking of your own. Being selfless, kind, aiming to please. That’s just awful.
Here’s the weird thing: women are willing to do that when it comes to children (some more than others obviously). I mean, we go through extreme discomfort and then pain for nine months when we’re pregnant. We lose massive amounts of sleep and devote hours to their comfort and happiness. We’ll put our own desires on hold to make sure our children get the best of everything, but when it comes to our husbands, we can’t be bothered to dress in a way that makes our husband happy? We can’t cook dinner for him or do his laundry our keep our mouth shut when we really want to nag or not argue just for the sake of arguing or talk bad about him behind his back to our friends?! These are just common courtesies, ladies! And think about it in reverse. Isn’t this what you expect of your husband? How happy would you be if every time you talked your husband had corrections to make. Or what if he never went out of his way to make you feel attractive, or loved, or special? Or every time you wanted a little romance he shut you down? Feminism is another word for selfishness these days. Suck it up and put someone’s needs before your own. You aren’t the center of the universe either.
I completely agree with you Leah!
Well said! 🙂
Thank you. I loved this!
Very true! And you know, if I were this type of wife, my husband would respond by treating me with the same love, devotion, and courtesy. That’s what’s amazing. I guess if you married someone who was extremely selfish or abusive you could have a very different outcome. But that is another issue entirely. It is extremely difficult to love someone unselfishly.
Can you imagine, though, how amazing it would be if both spouses in all marriages always showed completely unselfish love to one another; looked after one another’s interests; had each other’s backs; were striving to show respect and admiration; and built each other up?!!? Yah, I know, “visualize world peace”…it’s still an admirable vision/goal.
I’m 25 years old, married for almost two years now, and in one of the happiest most fulfilled marriages around. Not because we’re in the honeymoon stage (we’ve been together for almost eight years now, that passed us by long ago) but because I love, respect, and adore my husband. It disgusts me that feminism has taken such control of our society that even Christian women cannot stand to think of going out of their way to show their husband respect. That’s so sad because those women are missing out on true fulfillment and happiness in their marriages/relationships! It is because I allow my husband to be the leader of our family, because I always try to show him how much he means to me and how much I admire him, because I know as a woman I am best at a supporting role, that he would go to the moon and back for me. There is a reason the Bible asks women to RESPECT their husbands and asks men to LOVE their wives. Those are the aspects each gender needs most.
In my family, I was taught that you cannot have love without respect first. Yes, women need love, but without respect, that love is hollow. But I’m not American. Maybe it’s different for you folks?
“…because I know as a woman I am best at a supporting role.” Wow. No wonder you find feminism disgusting. Feminism is simply about recognizing women’s equality. Not sameness as men, not dominance over men–simply having equality as human being. You can nurture, love, and support someone without taking a supporting role. Men are so much more than stars of the stage, and we are so much more than their close-mouthed, non-whining, tidying-up-the-home handmaidens.
Prime example of religion being regressive to society.
How is this regressive?
B – You think our society is getting healthier because we are “progressive”. There is something to be said for traditional values. Those of us that believe in the Bible as truth know that being a follower of God and His word we will have peace within. The Bible is our roadmap to life. It is very comforting to walk this life knowing God, we choose to walk in obedience to God not the latest trends. Our goal is that our relationships would be built on Love and Respect, both giving all.
I agree with most of this post but the woman needs respect as well from there husband. Their are alot of husbands out there that no matter if you did everyone of these everyday would not make a difference in how they respect you. you have to show respect to get it back and that goes for both sides of the marriage not just one! This should also be for the husband as well espeacialy when most wives work full time jobs these days cause it is needed or the husband request that they do.
It’s true, however- we cannot change anyone but ourselves. If we start there, we will become happier just by pleasing someone else! Don’t have expectations though from anyone else– they’re human and will let you down
I would not normally comment about something like this, but I have to say that this list is great! I’m not saying it should be followed to a “T”, but I feel like there are so many husbands and wives out there that do not think of each other in these ways. I am all for a women working and helping to support the family, but I love my husband more than anything and feel that he should be respected in these ways just as much as I expect him to respect me in these ways.
I feel ashamed young women still writting this kind of things. Please do not ruine all the feminist work since now! :S
its not ruining anything, you obviously have no idea how to be a strong woman in a strong relationship if this bothers you. I am a strong capable wife and mother who also happens to work outside the home AND have been in the Army for the past 5 years….I still make my husbands lunch for work and have dinner ready when he gets home, and do you know why? Because when I show how much I appreciate him, I get much more in return. I CHOOSE to do these things. The feminist movement gave me the opportunity to choose these things, choice is what we fight for isn’t it? How did you even get to this sight if this is how you feel?
This article bothered me and I consider myself a very strong woman in a strong relationship!!
It takes more courage, strength, and self-control do do all these things than to be a bitter, sullen, and selfish wife…Like Amanda I have CHOSEN to pursue these things in my marriage, and it has made our home a fun and joyful place for my husband to come home to!! This in turn leads him to treat me with respect, and to care for my needs in a deeper way…everyone has a choice…this is mine.
My boyfriend and I live together and are in a committed relationship with no intent to get married soon but we joke around frequently that he is my 1950’s housewife. I also don’t agree that it’s the “woman’s” job to do this – I think it’s the “couple’s” job to do this for EACH OTHER. I will never be the “dutiful” 1950’s housewife, greeting my boyfriend at the door, all dressed up, full makeup, with a hot meal prepared for him. He does this for me – He enjoys it and I enjoy it.
That all said, please keep in mind that the feminist movement did not give women the right to go out and work and not have to do all this – It gave them the right to CHOOSE. If she has chosen to live her life like this, while it would not work for me, it shows how the feminist movement succeeded: We are both able to live the ways we want to.
Your point is very well stated. 🙂 I am the opposite of you, but I greatly appreciate that women can choose what they feel best suits their personality and their life situation. 🙂
I am distressed by the amount of negative comments here! Many of the women who disagree with this post are basically saying she shouldn’t have written this. So *you* are allowed to state how *you* feel and talk about what *you* think, but the author is not? Ahh, liberalism…AKA, hypocrisy at its finest.
What is wrong with dressing to impress your husband? You dressed up on your dates to impress him . You dress up when you go to work and out with your girlfriends. Why not keep yourself together. I don’t think the list is implying to go the whole 9 yard every day but it is ok to get out of the sweats and not to let yourself go. You would probably get irritated if he let himself go. Never shaved, showered, wore clothes he knew you didnt like. i just dont see the issue with it.
And the sex issue. I dont think that she is saying to make yourself available EVERY time he want it. But why not TRY to make yourself available. Turn the table and think how you would feel if YOU wanted it and he SHUT you out so fast with out even a thought.
I truly feel bad for the husband to you women who are whining about this list. I am not at all a submissive wife. But I Respect my husband as my friend, my lover, and my companion.
You should add number 26, let him put a collar on you and call you fifi, because you are basically his dog at this point.
I feel so sad that women have been trained to believe that it’s their way or the highway… no wonder relationships so often fail and are at best miserable. I was a “liberated” woman once… raised to believe that I was equal to man in every way, be it mentally, emotionally or physically. It took years to realize that yes, we are equal in that we are all created in God’s image, but that we are NOT equal mentally, emotionally or physically. Not being equal doesn’t mean we are less. It means we are different! I’m smarter in some areas than my husband, but he’s smarter than me in others. I’m definitely not as strong, and my emotions certainly control me more. There is nothing wrong with this and I celebrate these beautiful differences! I’ve learned also that women are more flexible, adaptable, and giving, which means we aren’t as hesitant to give in to a man we truly love. To my surprise and delight, I’ve learned that being flexible, adaptable and giving has increased my husband’s love for me and he is happy to give in to things that I want. There is no need for nagging, competition, and other things that tear apart marriages. We are happy with how God made us, man and woman. NOW, I am truly liberated.
Should add # 26 …bring your husband slippers when he arrives home from wokr, hand him the
newspaper, let him relax while you cook dinner Lol
Wow! To the women who are too busy being independent and who have lost there place, you must hear THIS! And I say this in love, cause I actually care about marriages even if it’s not my own. This list is NOT FOR THE WEAK, quite the contrary. I’m married and have tried BOTH ways. In the beginning it was all about ME not wanting to lose “my identity or independence.” What a joke! We almost got a divorce over that. No thank you, I’ll take the road less traveled and KEEP my marriage. It’s an honor to show my husband and my children what a REAL WOMAN IS! Forget about this being written in 1952. I’ll give ya something that was written 2000 years ago…PROVERBS 31 BABY. ONLY a woman of strength walks this road. Everyone else, hope your marriage lasts. I mean that. P.S. When I first read this, I thought to myself, ” This is TRUE Unconditional LOVE. I choose to live my life for others, even if it’s a sacrifice sometimes.
While I would agree with the comments stating that this list is disgusting, I must say that there are valid arguments on both sides. I have always thought that what makes a happy marriage is when two people fall in love with each other for who they are and create a system of give-and-take that works for both of them. That may mean following this list, or it may not. Each marriage will have its own specific needs and BOTH people should bend to meet those demands in a way that works for the family or situation.
Seriously? Was this written in 1952? I feel sorry for a woman who has to do some of these things to keep a man. Do you really want a man who would judge you by what you wore or who would scorn you because dinner was late? I’ve had my man for almost half my life and I can count the number of times dinner was ready on one hand. Defer to his wishes? Let final decisions rest with him? Go back to school ladies, grow a brain, and become your own person.
Is thus real?… This I hilarious, I thought women had equal rights now.
Scary…I think it is. But apparently we are Satan’s emissaries for having backbones!
Wow I love this! I will Tweet and Pin this as a reminder. Tastefully SoSo
I still can’t believe people still live by some 2,000 year old book that totally demeans women. So glad I didn’t fall prey to religious brainwashing and can think for myself
Satan comes to kill, steal and destroy….a lot of these negative comments and replys come from such spirits. If for some reason you dont like the list, dont be tempted to speak words that one day, you will be held accountable for. Move on asking God to help you be the Godly wife He’s called you to be…but these ideas will pretty much be His response to you. They are from His book..the Bible!
For you Jennifer, keep going women of God!!! You are treasured not only by Him but also from me… you’ve taken some good blows by some of these folks who are hurting and hurting people hurt people! You my friend learn from this…take it and grow !!!
You and all in my prayers!
Why so much emotions involved???? If this list is not for you, its not for you!!! You don’t have to post such negative things to make yourselves look empowered as high class, outspoken, to good for any man women…all your doing is showing your pain and struggles in your own life! Hurting people hurt people…! Give your struggles to God!
Satan comes to kill, steal, and destroy! Don’t let him rob you Jennifer of your calling to us MARRIED WOMEN who want to stand out and not blend in!!!! Keep posting your gifts, ideas and Gods word!
With this last note, I loved the list!
I do think there is some validity in this. It does have some undertones of an Old-Fashioned, Stay-at-Home Mom,Housewife from the 50’s/60’s, but nonetheless, it is important. I understand the point you are trying to make and I think it is a good one. When we have a realization that we are here on Earth to help one another in what way we can, then we will all be receivers of positiveness. Make sure everyday you are living that you are striving to be the best you can be for yourself and your family.
Maybe next time something like this is written, it can be addressed in a way that doesnt give the idea of the Woman being a follower, but a co-leader in this ride of marriage☺
What a wonderful list of things I can easily do for my husband! Thank you!
I believe in compromise, not sacrifice as this post suggests you do. I’m all for pleasing my husband but not if it means compromising my own beliefs, values, and self respect. I’m going to be who I am right now, because that is who my husband married. Not a stepford wife.
There is a new organization headed up by Dr. Julie Slatterly and Linda Dillow, who have been addressing issues like this for many years with a lot of nitty-gritty info on sexual intimacy. They have some interesting information backed up by a lot of research on the subject. Their website is due to be in operation Sept. 10, but there is a splash page for viewing. http://www.authenticintimacy.com. They recently held a conference and taped 10 sessions for DVDs.
This is exactly what is wrong with the world today; lack of respect. Women have come a long way in the last one hundred years as far as rights are concerned, but at what cost. The lack of respect of which I speak is to the Holy Word of God. This subject is so much deeper than can be discussed on this board, so I will not expound upon the duties of a husband to his wife, but rather focus on the root of the conflict at hand, whether women are subject to their husband. It may seem that I am coming down hard on wives, but I can and do come down even harder on husbands. In the end they are responsible and will be held accountable as a leader of their household. With regard to the conflict at hand, I encourage you all to heed not my opinion on this issue but rather turn to God’s word for understanding. If you are a Christian, then delve deeper into this subject. If you are not, I pray that you would see there is a Creator, that this world did not happen by chance, and that He has given us a plan that if we live by we will be very blessed. Therefore, first and foremost, quoted from the New King James Version:
Ephesians 5:22-24, 33
22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
Verse 22 can pretty much be taken for face value; although additional emphasis should be placed on the verb used for submit. The Greek verb, upotassesthe, here was used in ancient writings with regard to a person worthy of respect and in this case the husband which, by God’s intention, is worthy of respect. It was also used to capture the concept of obedience, submitting to one’s control, and yielding to one’s advice; absolutely. There is no middle ground. God intended the husband to be the head of the wife and in all things she should defer to him. When it comes to familial management, God gave the responsibility to the husband.
Verse 23 uses the word head in a metaphorical sense. This word kephalē literally translates to head, as in the head of a man or beast; but, in context it is used to illustrate the concept of superior rank; the husband being higher in rank to that of the wife. The exact same noun is used when Christ is described as the head of the church. To deny the husband as head over his wife is to deny that Christ is the head of the church!
As we move on to verse 24 we see an analogy clearly illustrating the concept of the husband and wife relationship. The church, collectively those who worship and follow God and Christ, are in direct subjection to Jesus Christ, who has been given all authority over the kingdom by God the Father. When we put on Christ in baptism we are dying to ourselves and putting away the lives we knew before for a new life in Him. We enter a covenant relationship with God which many do not truly understand the power of. As part of that covenant we submit our lives to the will of God; give all we have without question to Him (and I emphasize the without out question). Therefore when a man and a woman enter into a marriage agreement, they are entering into a covenant that has been sanctioned by God; a powerful and binding covenant that we agree to live by. Once again so few truly understand the power and significance of the marriage covenant relationship. An important stipulation of that covenant is found in verse 24, that a wife yield to the authority of her husband as we all yield to the authority of Christ; she is commanded by the word of God to submit on every matter and in every condition to her husband. The husband has the final say and he has the responsibility of seeing the welfare of the family, both physically and spiritually. For a wife to tell her husband “how it is” is no better than telling Jesus Christ “how its gonna be”.
Moving along, verse 33:
33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Verse 33 in particular uses the word respects with regard to her husband. In this case the word does not do justice to the concept Paul, through divine inspiration of the Holy Spirit, was trying to illustrate here. The Greek word used here is phobētai, which in this context, denotes reverence for and to treat with reverential obedience. Respect alone is not enough. Wives must have deep respect for their husbands and be willing to reverently accept his decisions for the family. She must respect the position which God has appointed the husband to, the spiritual head of the household.
To deny these words is to deny the word of God. To deny the word of God is a very dangerous thing. To deny the word of God cannot be forgiven, because without Him there is no forgiveness; without Him there is only condemnation and eternal damnation. I encourage all who read this post to study this subject further for it goes far deeper than what I have briefly skimmed.
The problem with today’s society is that the family is falling apart. Not enough men know how to be husbands or fathers. Not enough women know how to be wives or mothers. And there children are running rampant. The family structure has got to be reinstituted into our society or it will fail. Everything starts with a good solid foundation, including the success of a country. Lastly there is an except that I would like to share with you all; it comes from Sketches of Jewish Social life:
“A certain wise woman said to her daughter before her marriage: ‘My child, stand before thy husband and minister to him. If thou wilt act as his maiden he will be thy slave, and honour thee as his mistress; but if thou exalt thyself against him, he will be thy master, and thou shalt become vile in his eyes, like one of the maidservants.’”
The Ephesians text you quote is, I believe, the word of Christ’s followers (was it Paul? You would certainly kniw better than me, as you went to such lengths to dazzle us eith your knowledge of the Bible) and not Christ himself. Christ loved and respected women as true equals, and in fact revealed Himself after the Resurrection firstly to a woman. It is a shame that his feminist teachings were buried under the misogynist beliefs of some of his followers. The world would be a better place for woman if the true words of Christ were honored.
Modern Woman,
I am glad you chose to read and reply to my post, yet I fear that you do not fully understand the concept I have presented. First and foremost I would like to clarify myself with regard to my perception of the female gender. I by no means support the repression or degradation of women. Women are the most beautiful creation of God and the greatest physical gift He has blessed us with; in my humble opinion. A woman completes the man: where he is rough, she is gentle; where he hard, she is soft; where he was made for hard work, she was made to nurture. The list could go on and on but my point is that the two natures complement each other. Each, man and woman, were made for a purpose. I believe my previous post applies to only those women who have chosen to enter into the marriage covenant with a man to become husband and wife. I believe at that point she has agreed to be the caregiver of their household while he has accepted the role of provider. By God’s plan the husband was elected the leader of the family. There is no equal partnership in the sense that the wife can overrule her husband’s decision for the family, as some have suggested. Now, I do not want to be misinterpreted with regard to this statement. I do not believe this gives the husband the right to lord over his wife; she is his wife with respect and due honor, not his slave to be treaded upon. If we refer back to Ephesians chapter 5, we can see the foundations of this concept in verse 25. Quoted from the New King James once again, “25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.” Christ so loved the church, which are His followers, that He suffered and died upon the cross so that we may reap the benefits, which are mercy and grace. We reap where it is not due, but freely given in love. Likewise, the husband should care so much for his wife that he is willing to lay down his own life in service to her, that he may fulfill his purpose to prosper his family. He should love her unconditionally and be devoted to her care above his own. The same applies to the wife, that she love and cherish her husband above herself. Verse 28 and 29 state “8 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.” If a husband can live by these assertions, than his wife should have no reservations following his lead. Alas, marriage is not for everyone and there are many in today’s society who have chosen to join together in marriage, yet do not respect the bond it creates. They are married for selfish reasons, to please their own lustful desires which are the breeding grounds for contention and strife. It may sound cliché but ever so true. Marriage is not about oneself, but about the other. If married couples were to abide in these words, the words of God, we would not be having this conversation.
Now, as far as your concerns with regard the scriptural basis of my post, I can assure you that the words are trustworthy and true; the words of God spoken through His servant Paul. The Bible as we know it is the holy word of God. It is God’s truth handed down to us by His Holy Spirit. Christ came to this earth to bring about the salvation of man. He was God’s truth manifested in the flesh. John 1:14 “14 And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.” Christ was sent to the Jews, God’s people, a corrupt and perverse generation. He called them from the darkness into the marvelous light of God. Christ loved all and gave Himself for all as a blood sacrifice for a New Covenant; a covenant offered to all who would accept it, not just the Jews. By His life the law was fulfilled and God provided salvation to all who would obey His will. It was not until after His death, resurrection, and ascension into heaven that His kingdom was established. The day of Pentecost is the day of which I speak, when the Lord’s church was established and His apostles were filled with the Holy Spirit of God, which had been promised to them (read Acts 1:4-8 & Acts 2:1-4). Christ had prophesied of this account several times prior to this event. In John 16:12-15 Jesus told His disciples “12 I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now. 13 However, when He, the Spirit of truth, has come, He will guide you into all truth; for He will not speak on His own authority, but whatever He hears He will speak; and He will tell you things to come. 14 He will glorify Me, for He will take of what is Mine and declare it to you. 15 All things that the Father has are Mine. Therefore I said that He will take of Mine and declare it to you.” You see, God’s plan was not meant to be completed in full while Christ was on this earth as a man, for it was not His purpose. Christ was not meant to reveal all things, but had His place to glorify the Father by obeying His will unto death. Likewise the Spirit had its own purpose, to glorify Christ by receiving the fullness of truth from Him and bestowing it upon man. This was to happen after His sacrifice on the cross, after He was resurrected, and after He ascended into heaven, at which time the apostles whom He had chosen would receive the Spirit of Truth; the day of Pentecost. Now as far as the Bible being written by man this is correct, yet as we can see it is not the whole truth. The Bible is the inspired word of God given to us by His Spirit. It was all part of His glorious plan. God literally gave these men the words to speak, the words of His truth. This shouldn’t surprise you though for it was so since the beginning. The Holy Scriptures’, the Old Testament writings were handed down to man, written and recorded by man. 2 Timothy 3:16 further affirms the notion as the Spirit guided Paul to write to Timothy stating “16 All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, 17 that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.” The fact of the matter is that God used man to complete His will by recording His truth and that is how we have the Bible today. The true words of Christ are being honored every day by those who read, implement, and live by the Bible.
I would really like you to look at the following scripture so as to not take my word for it, but affirm these things for yourself.
Mark 13:11
John 14:25-26
John 15:26-27
1 Corinthians 2:9-7-13
1 Corinthians 12:3
2 Peter 1:19-21
Most of the respondents with negative comments are obviously not Christian, and likely not married or in a relationship that will lead to marriage. I appreciated the comments and their scriptural backing, even though we are of different faiths we can agree that by applying the bible’s counsel, things are so much smoother and easier, no matter what others say to the contrary.
Also, don’t slam Christian values on a self described Christian blog. The nerve of some people!
I have been married to my husband for almost 10 wonderful years now, and while we practice this in our home, I will have to say my own husband was apalled at the way some of this is said.
“If you would dress the way I find appealing all the time, you would be going to the store to buy milk in 6 inch heels. Anyways…there is nothing like coming home and finding you curled up with one of your books in one of my shirts, messy hair and all” *and yes, he is talking about those books that apparently I’m not supposed to read…but if he doesn’t mind…*
“Choose joy….yeah, but I do want you to tell me when you are mad, and when you are upset. Because obviously I’ve done something wrong, and I want to fix it! I don’t want you to just smile, and pretend everything is ok while you pray for it. Tell me what I’ve done…even if you are mad at the time, and we will pray about it together! I know I need to be smacked upside the head every once and again or things won’t get done. Do it. I might get upset for a minute, but I will get over it…because things will get done that way.”
“And there is absolutely no point on you having sex with me simply because I am in the mood. Your pleasure is my pleasure, and if you are only faking it, even if I don’t know you are, then my pleasure is empty by default. What about when you are in the mood and I’m not? What about when you have one of your migraines? Or when you just did one of your deep down scrubs on the house and you can’t move your arms afterwards? No, that’s just not right”
So yeah, like I said…great advice. Respect your husband, treat him right, pray for him, listen to him….but the wording could definitely be different. I can see what you are saying, but many might not. And this advice in going unread by many simply because of the wording.
I found nothing wrong with the post. The author backed up what she was saying by scripture from the bible. If you aren’t religious, then you don’t have to agree with the post. But if you are, it clearly states in the bible that a wife should be submissive to her husband and the husband should provide for his wife and be the man of the house. This doesn’t mean that he should take advantage of his wife, but to work together as a team. Stop making it an issue about feminism. It’s not saying that the husband shouldn’t do things for you either. There is a followup post for men to read as well about how to show your wife that you love and care for her.
What the heck is this?! Let’s all be stepford wife robots, right?
HUNH?? these are all great ideas for a couple to do for each other… i do not believe that we women should have to cater to our man’s every desire, want, need, or itch.. its crazy that many women are supporting this post.. one comment says hes not a child so don’t treat him as such.. excellent point.. he is not a child so i should not have to cater to him as though this is all I’m here for. He is also very capable of doing for himself. i have wants needs and desires as well and unless my man is willing to do all this for me.. he will not be getting the same in return.. this post is very degrading to women.
Hi, I realize you’re getting a whole lot of flack because some inconsiderate pinterest user(s) decided to “cast pearls before swine,” but I just wanted to encourage you that this advice is spot on! I’ve been married just over six years now, and I truly feel that I have a better sex life and romantic partnership than many of the bitter, angry women commenting because I love my husband and don’t resent him. My life isn’t a power struggle, and I like it that way. Christian women might disagree on the specifics (who pays the bills or buys the groceries or chooses the vacations), but seeking to honor our husbands is always the right decision.
Just something to think about: the whole marriage should be 50/50 thing is so subjective. How do you know when you’ve given your 50%? How do you know when your spouse has given HIS 50%? See, when you take the whole 50/50 approach, you always see yourself as giving what YOU think is fair and then spend the rest of your efforts evaluating if you think your spouse has given THEIR 50%…usually ending with you feeling short-changed at your estimation of your spouse’s efforts. How do you know he hasn’t given 150% or 200%? By what scale have you decided he only gives, say 25%? You don’t know, it’s subjective. And how would you feel if your spouse unfairly estimated your contribution to the marriage? My guess is you wouldn’t feel respected. So instead of relying on an ever-changing scale of “equal effort”, this list shows a woman how she can give 200%. It’s liberating to give 200%. My husband, since finding Christ now gives, what I would call 300%! In fact, I’d say he out-does me in love and service towards me. So following this list and not keeping constant tabs on if you and your spouse are contributing equally can result in such blessing for you both beyond a mere 50%. My husband sacrifices for me and is happy. I sacrifice for him and I am happy. Out-do each other in love and respect and you will not regret it.
First of all, marriage should never be viewed as 50-50. It should be 100-100. If you enter into a marriage only willing to fulfill your half of the obligation as you see it, your marriage is destined to fail, because your motives are selfish and self serving, not loving your spouse more than yourself and your own desires. That can only last so long before both parties are so selfish and self-serving, unwilling to bend, unwilling to forgive, that divorce is inevitable.
This article was written by a woman who is making suggestions to other married women on ways to show your husband love and respect. Putting someone else’s needs before our own (especially our husband’s) shows gratitude and grace. As far as not wanting to dress to please him, most single women, Christian or not, dress to impress men prior to their wedding day and its never viewed as demeaning or archaic. Rather, its fashionable, sexy, flirtatious, etc- which is generally accepted and even encouraged. why wouldn’t you continue the same practice after your wedding day? Is it because the hard part is over? You’ve got your man and now its ok to let yourself go? No one is saying to scrub toilets in stilettos and put makeup on all the time. Your husband should love you no matter what you wear or look like, but By viewing these ideas as demeaning and disrespectful to women, youre assuming that these women are submitting to an abusive husband who drags them around by their hair in the cave and beats them with a club. Not so. If that IS the case, then by all means, get help immediately from a qualified mental health professional.
As far as having sex when you might not feel like it, again, it goes back to putting another persons needs before your own. Within the bounds of a healthy marriage that involves communication and MUTUAL respect, going out of your way to do nice things for someone should be part of a marriage built on genuine love and friendship, and that might include areas of your sex life. No, it does not and should not be that you Always have to have sex everyday when you arent in the mood. But if you find that you are never in the mood, maybe there are other issues that you should be dealing with, sex being the least of your concerns, and again, i would suggest counselling. I think our society has been teaching women that its ok to use sex as a weapon, sex as a means of getting what you want, or as a means of getting attention, but our culture, sadly, doesnt teach women that sex was designed by God to communicate love and mutual respect to your spouse. It doesnt seem to offend women that every magazine in every grocery checkstand in America baits you and takes your money by selling you clothes to impress that guy at the office, how to have amazing sexual experiences, whats the latest makeup trend, etc. Why isnt that demeaning? They are pimping you out to men who dont care about you or the state of your heart when you wear those cute clothes on a date, use those makeup tips, and follow all of those suggestions for amazing sex, and then the guy never calls you back. Why is it so archaic to be willing to do everything you possibly can to show love and care, passion and compassion to the person you have vowed to love and cherish all the days of your life, until death do you part? If the shoe were on the other foot, i know my husband would (and does) do everything and anything to show love to me, and i certainly want to do the same for him.
Reblogged this on A Silent Rank.
Absolutely shocking, sexist, and offensive. If you think these things are good advice you need to seek help.
Reblogged this on She Lives on Love and commented:
This afternoon while taking a much needed break from tending to 4 rowdy boys, I stumbled upon a wonderful blog entry written by Jennifer Flanders at Loving Life at Home. It’s so spectacular that I just have to reblog it for you to see. Read it and check out Jennifer’s blog. She’s one smart cookie!
The real problem – and why many women have such a problem with this post – is that many of the things could be said in a different – less submissive – manner. Kissing your husband good bye; not correcting him; not complaining about him or “bad mouthing” him, those are all certainly admirable aspirations for a marrige – for EITHER husband or wife! Even working to maintain intimacy would be understandable but to suggest a wife should submit to his “mood” when she is not in the mood…frankly I think there is a lot more respect between a husband and wife, not to mention stability to the marriage, when a person can say, “I love you honey but…” and the other person does not turn that into some sort of “issue.” I want honesty from my husband; not lies and to make love to your spouse when it is really the last thing you want to do – is a lie. And when you write something like “don’t make him ask twice” can you not see how this suggests you think a woman should be submissive. My husband has to “ask” nearly everyday for me not to leave my shoes in the bathroom…sometimes he “asks;” sometimes he gets mad and throws them out; most times he ignores them…and so it is with him closing the kitchen cabinets! And I ask; and I get mad but most of all, I just close them behind him. That’s respect; that’s what marriage is about.
You say that “to make love to your spouse when it is really the last thing you want to do – is a lie.” What about when he gets up and goes to work when he’d really like to just take the day off? Is that also a lie? What about my nursing a baby in the middle of the night when I’d rather be sleeping? More deceit? When you love someone, whether it is a spouse or a child or a friend, it is often necessary to put their needs ahead of your own. This is not being dishonest; it is being considerate.
#14 is the perfect description…of a golden retriever.
Hey Jennifer
I read your post and commented on it more than a week ago, and my reply has been bothering me ever since. I don’t agree with everything in your list, particularly with regards to the last point and #17, but I do respect your right to have your own belief system and to communicate that. We obviously come from different cultures and faiths (I am an atheist and live in Australia, where the expression of faith is often more private and low-key) and I should have respected that difference.
I’m sure you and your husband respect each other, as my husband and I respect each other, albeit in different ways. We no doubt show our love in some similar ways – smiling, being happy, cherishing time together, cooking favourite meals (my husband and I take turns cooking). I suppose my reaction was more in response to those actions being prescribed as the duties of a wife (perhaps not your intention!).
I guess the point I’m trying to make is that your post was ‘preaching to the converted’ – aimed at women in your own community, who share your values. As someone outside of that community and faith I was offended and didn’t agree with some of the points in particular, but that didn’t mean I needed to comment on your blog… I should have just closed it and move on! I apologise if I have caused you any distress.
Best of luck
You didn’t cause me any distress, Jess. I could have honestly told you that, even without knowing what it was you wrote; but curiosity compelled me to go back and check, so as to see what had been so troubling you. After having re-read your earlier comment, I can assure you that yours was one of the milder replies; it was succinct, intellectually honest, heartfelt, and — unless I edited out some curse words and don’t remember doing so — free of profanity. You obviously disagreed with my ideas, but I did not feel as though you were attacking me as a person.
Nevertheless, it is obvious you have a very tender conscience (a good thing, I think), and I accept and sincerely thank you for your apology.
As you suggested, it was never my intention to prescribe these things as duties for a wife (note that this piece was not entitled “25 Things Every Man Should Demand From His Wife.”) These are merely suggestions for wives who (1) do in fact respect their husband and (2) wish to communicate that respect clearly. Since men occasionally interpret our words or tones or actions as being disrespectful even when no disrespect was felt or intended, this is sometimes more easily said than done — hence, my list of 25 pointers for communicating respect in ways that most husbands will find meaningful, gleaned from 25 joyous years of marriage to a man who does not demand any of this from me, but who gladly and gratefully receives it as my gift to him, just because it makes me happy to make him happy.
If all the haters would try it, they might just find that they like it.
It’s really sad how many ignorant women there are out there… because it is late, and most of what I want to say has already been said, I just want to let you know that I found this article very helpful for my own relationship. I have only been dating my boyfriend for a couple years, but this article and the article your husband wrote will most definitely help us work out any “kinks” we have before marriage. I hope when I get married I have a long, happy marriage like the two of you do. You guys definitely inspire me.
Yup him putting the toliet seat down and you not making him ask twice and letting him have the final say in all decisions which could unfortunately lead to some hard times like a new TV before little jonny needs braces should work out FINE for y’all
Everyone must remember that in life you get back what hard work you put into it and a team is only as strong as the weakest link. This blog works both ways to a male and female. I wonder how many of the ” I hate this blog people” are married, how long and how many marriages they have been through?… Oh and are bible believing people?
this is pathetic
“Dont make him ask twice”……..really, what are women children. REDICULOUS!!!
I like a lot of these. For the beginning of my marriage I true to follow all of them. (I grew up in a very religious home and still love and pray to god) but I soon realized that if it was all just one sided or if it was all left unchecked and blindly followed ( don’t argue, follow his lead: sometimes the husband is wrong and it CAN ruin both of your lives if you don’t say or do something) I felt resentment if I wasn’t treated with the same courtesy like if I was working and he wasn’t I would have liked to come home to a clean house and food to eat but that was not the case. I would come home from my second job on a Saturday or Sunday to my husband in front of the tv I would straighten up and cook us both some dinner. And I was unhappy. When I started deciding to take care of myself emotionally too by telling him (complaining) how I feel and when I started getting on him about how he was acting like a loser for not looking for work (focussing on his shortcoming) and when I made my own bank account so he couldn’t spend money on stupid things before toys (following his lead) I was becoming happier and more like myself. Sometimes these are wrong. And if left unchecked can bring you and your marriage into and unhealthy tailspin.
Thank you for the article, did you write it in the 1950’s ? Did you get your inspiration from Mad Men TV Show? Don’t you love yourself? Is your life as worthless as this article sounds? Do you live to serve your husband? How can you live with yourself?
This is such a great example of why Christianity values are so screwed up.
Congratulations Jennifer, you are the best at [sucking at your religion].
Seriously? Your last name is FLANDERS?
Thank you for writing this article. It’s a great reminder for those of us who know that the purpose of marriage is to glorify God in all we do, say and think. It can be so hard sometimes; but God always gives us His grace and mercy to be a light for Him. I’m now off to read your other articles written for men. God bless you!! 🙂
hey i love this could you do one where the roles are reversed please
These are good words to remember whether newly married or married for 30 or 60 years. We are never too old to treat our husbands with respect. If we treat him like a king, he’ll treat us like a queen.
You have got to be kidding me…. I found this so baffling that I stopped reading… the absudity of it all.
As women we deserve as much respect as men… and if you tell me that you are happy with whom you’ve become… Your full of it. Not only are you lying to yourself but you are also lying to god. Take the balls out of your purse and demand respect for yourself. God put you on this wonderful earth for a reason – and I am sure (not positive, but sure) that it wasn’t to be submissive to your husband. Start demanding these 25 tips to show respect to you as a women and see how far you get. Pull your head out of the clouds and welcome to the 21 century – you deserve respect and your not going to get it like that.
And on another note… if you want a designer purse go get a job and buy one yourself. Don’t rely on your husbands money – becasue that just makes you a gold digger.
I am so baffled I made the choice not to be eloquent with my verbage, but to actual type what I was thinking… Good luck to you and your followers.
Thank God im not the only one who thinks this way!
This is so unbelievably backwards, basically a list of how to be subservient to your husband. Way to set us back 100 years. Dress how HE wants? What about his dress, should he dress in accordance with my preference? And how about the complaints, I can’t do so but can he? Catering to a man’s ego isn’t going to result in a happy marriage, it’s going to result in the type of marriage my mother was in where she had no say in anything and was completely miserable and that ultimately ended in divorce. My relationship of 10+ years on the other hand is great because my partner and I recognize each other as equals with our own beliefs, preferences and things that make us happy. I complain to him, he complains to me, we can be honest and open with one another as it should be. We both dress how we want because we are individuals, we watch what movies we want and read what we want because to deny such things would be denying your true self. We have an equal say in what happens in our home. Respect goes both ways, let’s just remember that.
You’re right that these are ways to show respect to your husband. However many of these
Offend me and I’m sure many other women.. The one that disturbed me the most was “let the final decisions rest with with him”. Seriously?
Should we bow down to them too?
As a Christian woman, I find that I don’t really agree with this list. My husband, who is also a Christian man, and the spiritual head of the household, didn’t agree either when reading it. There are a few things on this list that actually communicate respect, but the majority of them are more ways to make your husband happy. Both my husband and I give of ourselves to love on each other. But, we decided long ago that our marriage would never become one where I was his servant and he was my owner.
Before anyone starts accusing me of “not living biblically”, I’d like to say that we do live biblically. I love my husband, and I do special things for him all the time to make him aware of this. My husband loves me and he goes that extra step to make it known. I respect him as the spiritual head of the household and submit to him when its appropriate and necessary, and he loves me like Christ loves the church.
This list must have been waiting for me. I read a book called “For women only” that was a guide into the male psyche and although it had some biblical stuff in it the meat of the material was based in fact. Almost everything said here was a mirror image of what the author had said in this book just presented differently. For example she also said we should dress to please our husbands but not because we should be subbmissive or looked at like meat but because men judge other men’s success in picking a wife often not just by how she acts but also by how she presents herself. The example in the book was given to her by a male collegue he had said if he saw a man who was successful in his career and had a wife who was over weight but did not take care of herself he would feel sorry for him, not a pity kind of sorry but an actual sorrow for him but if he saw another man equally as successful in his career with an over weight wife who dressed well and put effort into her appearance he would think this man did well for himself. What we women also need to understand is that men are hardwired through and through to be competive not an on-the-field-in-football type of competition, but a competition all the same and they don’t look at us as trophies but when we support them by respecting them and ourselves by taking care of ourselves it gives them the boost they need to conquer the world. Also men are visual in a way we women will never understand and every man christian or not has a visual rolodex of any image of any woman he has ever seen. These images can pop into his mind at any moment without provocation and it is then a battle to steer his mind away from them and we wifes can help our men to fight these images when we take care of ourselves and give him something better to replace that image with. Now I am not doing the ideas presented in this book justice but it has helped my marriage in ways I can’t begin to express and this list re-enforced much of what I read and I am excited to start putting as many of them into place as possible. I read many of the comments above both the negative and the positive and I have to agree with those who said take what works for you and leave the rest. We may have changed as a society but the primal hardwired needs of our men have not, if you were truly such independent thinkers then you should be able to come up with a way to please and meet your man’s needs with a modern twist and not be confined to either being old-fashioned or too independent.
Wise words …
This article isn’t about women who are trying to put themselves last or put themselves in an inferior position, but simply for women who want to show respect to the man they married. There is nothing morally wrong with wanting to show the man you fell in love with respect now and again.
The Bible commands men to LOVE their wives, and women to RESPECT their husbands. The Bible is not saying this because it wants women to be disrespected, or men to be unloved. These points are simply emphasized because men especially crave respect and women especially crave love. That is just the make-up of the male and female genders.
Women should show respect to their husbands. Turn the tables for a minute and think about how hard it would be for men to love their wives if they weren’t respected by them. Women should respect their husbands, and likewise, men should love their wives.
And think about it, why would you want to marry a man you could not respect in the first place?
I’ve been reading some of these comments and what Alber wrote on Aug. 16 is just absurd, whether you agree with the list or not! My husband, who is my best friend, my soul mate, and love of my life, would never want me to have sex with him out of duty as a wife! He would want it to be mutual. If it’s not, you as the wife are just going through the motions, or not, you might just lay there like a dead fish. Sex is about soooo much more than just the action, it’s the emotion and love behind it. My husband understands that I spend all day with our 3 children, that I’m tired by the time he gets home, he understands that men and women differ when it comes to the “need” for sex. We respect one another. And even when one isn’t in the mood or when neither are in the mood, we have a million other ways to show our undying love or each other. And to suggest that sex is why a main reason why men get married is insane. If it really were about feeling something deeper, it wouldn’t be about the sex, it would be about the emotional connection you have as husband and wife. My husband and I always say that one of the most powerful sex organs is the brain. That means that there must be the emotional and mental side of sex, not just the physical. When all three of those things are in harmony between you and your spouse and you do have sex, I bet it’s amazing. But even if you don’t have sex and those things are in harmony, your life is amazing. My husband is head of our home, I know it, our kids know it and he knows it. However, he will be the first to tell you how much he respects and cherishes my thoughts, on everything! He is not demanding, but leads through example. We don’t keep track of whether it’s 50/50 one day or 75/25 the next, we concentrate on doing everything in our power to help out the other. I do my best to make coming home a place of comfort and rejuviation. He does his best to provide all our needs and trust me when I say, he does just that and so much more. He comes home from deployments and underways or 80 hour weeks and still wants to know what he can do to make my life easier and all I want him to do is sit and relax b/c he’s been working so hard. There’s not much I can do to help a military man with his job, other than sewing on patches, but I do what I can. I make sure that any problem that I can possible take care of on my own without stressing him out, I do. I am not that wife that is constantly calling his work (and that is a huge privilege to use right now that I could actually call and get him on the other end) to ask him what to do about every little thing. I make sure that I am compotent and resourceful and that I can take care of myself, our children, our home, our cars and so on and so forth. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had our ups and downs, but we’ve learned from them and will continue to do so. And there are times when I desperately need him and when he can be, when his job allows, he’s there for me, emotionally, mentally and physically. Instead of making sure I don’t get pushed down as a woman, I make sure I’m doing all I can as a mother and wife so that in return, he has nothing but love and respect for me. And to even suggest using sex as bribery is just insane! It should never be used as punishment or reward, in my own personal opinion. It is too delicate of a thing to play around with, as is your entire marriage. Again, this is just my thoughts on the matter. It is not intented to offend or anger anyone. I do hope that is some small way, it will make us all rethink how we are personally acting, not just our partner.
I can assure you I am NOT a “satanic emissary”..although that is what a satanic emissary might say….bwhahahahahahaha. THIS is RIDICULOUS!! NO ONE and I mean NO ONE should be translating bible verses to prove their own agenda and then spewing this crap out! That is rather cult-ish wouldn’t you say??? Who is the satanic emissary now????? While respect of your partner is foremost, where is the respect for yourself??? A marriage is a PARTNERSHIP not a freaking dictator/slaveship. As John Stossel says… “GIVE ME A BREAK!”
This is a long response, and I’m sorry, but I couldn’t NOT say it.
Choose Joy
This I agree with. Do what you can to make yourself happy, and to help others in your family to find happiness. However, sometimes you will be depressed, moody, or sad. Allow your partner to see that, and find ways to work through it together.
Honor His Wishes
This should read honor each other’s wishes. My husband and I will make sure we know where we both stand on issues and what is important to each other. We make sure that we know our priorities, and move forward with decisions together.
Give Him Your Undivided Attention
This goes both ways. Sometimes you have to put down what you’re doing and have a conversation. I would not suggest this for idle chit chat in my house, though. We are both talkative people, and if we put down everything when we talk, nothing would ever get done.
Don’t Interrupt
This goes both ways. It’s rude. Don’t do it.
Emphasize His/Her Good Points
You both have faults. Don’t dwell on them. HOWEVER if there is a problem, don’t ignore it. Find a constructive way to communicate with each other. If you ignore small issues, they can destroy you both.
Don’t Nag
You are not his mother. However, if he doesn’t want to be treated like a two year old, he shouldn’t act like one. I’ve met far to many man-kids who don’t want a relationship based mutual respect, but simply want to be taken care of.
Be Thankful
Cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Don’t take each other for granted. Be appreciative for everything your partner does for you, whether big or small. Always say thank you.
Smile
Smiles spread happiness. Smiles have even been shown to create happiness. Smiles are contagious. And a smile makes any person more beautiful.
Respond Physically
I have such a problem with this one. If I’m not in the mood, then I’m just not. My husband respects that and knows that if I just give in, that it won’t be good for either of us. He would rather wait until I’m into it and have amazing sex, then just push me until I say yes and have it only be so-so.
Eyes Only for Him
Sweetie, you can keep drooling at Jessica Alba as long as I get to keep purring every time Ian Somerhalder comes on screen, deal?
Kiss each other goodbye. And hello. And goodnight. And OFTEN! Kissing is fun!
Prepare His/Her Favorite Foods
Taking turns making dinner for each other is a sweet thing to do to show love. Making dinner together can be fun as well. It’s a great way to spend time with each other, and learning to work and plan together.
Cherish Togetherness
This is true for everyone in your life that you love. Period.
Don’t Complain
Whining is annoying. Try to avoid it if you can. However, my husband knows when I’ve had a bad day that sometimes I need to vent.
Don’t interrupt each other. Just don’t.
Dress to Please Him
Sometimes it is fun to dress up nicely if you are going out, but to be honest, there are days that my husband is proud that I put on a bra and a t shirt. Being a mom is hard.
Keep the House Tidy
HAHAHAHAH!!!! I have a toddler and a small child. Every day that they are both still alive, and the house hasn’t burned down, I call a success!
Be Content
Live within your means. Money troubles will make you both miserable in the long run.
Take Advice
You have to live together! Make sure that both of your wishes and concerns are heard. If you seek advice, make sure to listen.
Admire Him
He’s awesome. Tell him. Show him. You’re pretty awesome too. Remind him.
Protect His Name
DO NOT AIR YOUR LAUNDRY IN PUBLIC!!! I have one, maybe two friends that I share stuff with. Otherwise, I never talk about it.
Forgive Shortcomings
If you never forgive, you never move forward. Holding a grudge will hurt you as much as it hurts your partner.
Don’t Argue
You are not always right, and you do not always have to have the last word. I actually agree with this completely. You are probably going to have fights, but don’t let those arguments own the relationship, and don’t let them escalate.
Make your way together. This is not a game of follow the leader. In my family, we make choices together. If we cannot agree, we work until we find another solution. Above all things, our relationship is a PARTNERSHIP!!!
Jennifer, Thank you. This post was a blessing to me, and was also convicting in some regards. I am sorry for all of the backlash you have had to endure, but the Lord will bless you for your faithfulness to His Word.
this is SO good! thank you for sharing. my husband and i started a blog and would love for you to check it out http://www.modernmissionaries.wordpress.com we have a few marraige articles and i would love to post this for all to see in our world as well. thanks again!
I checked out your marriage blog, Marlaina, and would be happy for you to post 25 Ways on your site, as long as you provide a link back to my blog along with the post. Thanks!
I think it is about balance.. None of these are bad ways to treat a spouse, and of your husband gives you a similar respect that makes for a wonderful relationship! It is too harsh to say that a man whose wife is sweet and dutiful will automatically take advantage. Some do, but there are good ones out there 🙂 and in my opinion being equal partners does not mean we have to be equal in the same things, something to think about
I am a Christian, a wife, an empowered and educated woman, and a feminist. I am very concerned about women’s issues and my heart hurts every day for women who are oppressed and mistreated.
That said, I think the reason so many women are outraged by this list is because they refuse to see life from a different perspective. Doing things out of your comfort zone is scary—fear often leads to anger. When I first read this I felt myself getting defensive; then I realized I was getting defensive because I found things I need to work on. I want to be the best wife I can be, and I expect the same effort from my husband.
Additionally, I am the sexual aggressor in our marriage. I want it more often than he does. I know how it feels to be shut down because your spouse isn’t in the mood. That’s why #10 didn’t bother me. I know it how it feels to be rejected physically, and it sucks. Jennifer is not saying you have to be at his beck and call. And she never said that if you are sick or are in pain that you HAVE to have sex. She’s saying stop being so wrapped up in yourself. You’re not in the mood? Honey, you can get in the mood. Sex is fun for women too—it’s not like he’s asking you to get up and do laundry in the middle of the night. He wants to be with you in the most intimate way two people can be together! Why is that such a horrible thing to ask for?
This is a list for those who don’t agree with the one above. Because there have been so many commenters against the posted list, I thought it might be helpful to make an anti-list, if you’d like to follow this one instead:
1. Be moody and manipulate him.
2. Completely disregard what he thinks.
3. Never look at or listen to him.
4. Interrupt him at every opportunity.
5. Dwell on everything you hate about him.
6. Don’t pray for him (maybe, pray against him if you’re an overachiever).
7. Always treat him like a two year old.
8. Never be thankful. Take him for granted as much as possible.
9. Scowl all the time.
10. Be sure to maintain celibacy in your marriage.
11. Compare him to every other man you meet.
12. Kick him out the door when he goes to work. When he gets home, respond similarly.
13. Always do things and cook things that he hates.
14. Avoid him as much as possible.
15. Complain. Always.
16. Correct him in every way you can. Again, interrupt as much as possible.
17. Dress in his least favorite clothes. Dress in a way that makes him cringe.
18. Make sure your house is a wreck. Never clean or cook or do laundry or go shopping. Ever.
19. Be discontented with your life and with everything he does.
20. Completely ignore his advice.
21. Look at him as disrespectfully as you can.
22. Speak poorly of him to anyone who will listen.
23. Never forgive him.
24. Argue. Argue until you win!
25. Never let him make decisions.
Without reading too deep into it, this is mostly a good list. I tend to do all of these things naturally, without thinking about it or having to actively remind myself to do these things. Anyone of any faith should want to smile at their husband, kiss him goodbye and hello, cook his favorite meals when you can, cherish your time together, protect his name (which is your name too), pray for him, etc. Those things should be a given in a relationship. If you don’t want to be joyous, giving and loving to your husband, then why marry him in the first place? Some things I don’t agree with, however. My soon-to-be hubby and I are partners in our relationship. We divide all responsibilities including taking care of the house, cooking, providing for our life together, etc. He’s the chef in the house and I’m the crazy organized one who cleans up right after he’s finished cooking, haha. He washes the clothes and I fold them. We talk about anything and everything– no hiding feelings. I’m not going to ignore things that we need to work on together by trying to just “emphasis his good points.” Also, my fiance and I got a big kick out of the “don’t make him ask twice” line.
I have been married 28 years (to the same man) and can honestly say that this advice from Jennifer is right on! Marriage is not always easy–there are many ups and downs along the way. Over the 28 years of my marriage, I have incorporated much of the same wise advice that Jennifer has shared with her readers, and because of it have been able to victoriously overcome the difficult times and joyfully relish married-life with my husband. I’m wondering how long those people who abhor this advice have been married and how happily married they are because of it…
I don’t choose to hide my true feelings from my husband, pretending to be happy when you’re not is the best way to live a lie.
I absolutely will not do what ever my husband says just because I’m his wife.
I most certainly will not have sex with my husband just because he wants me to.
I have a large issue with everyone of these 25 points above. I am a Christian woman, but that does not make me my husbands slave, sicifantic and dutiful. We are partners and we share are opinions. We work on our faults together and are honest about our feelings, we have disagreements and work them out. That is the best way to a happy marriage. 10 years and 3 children later and still going strong. Your husband chose to marry YOU. The person you are. If he married you because he wanted the quiet and obedient happy home maker, than you are in for a long unhappy life. Shame on the person who wrote this!
I AGREE! With every word! This list is tragic for anyone who follows it and they are in a world of hurt!
Hello there. I’m a (sort of) newly married wife who has recently been pondering and praying about how to respect my husband (even when I don’t _think_ he deserves it {he always does, it’s just that sometimes I’m not paying enough attention}).
Anyways, this list has been so incredibly helpful to me. It helped me to remember that the things that we, as wives and as Christians, are commanded to do don’t depend on our moods or our feelings, but on a choice–love and respect are acts of the will.
I knew that about love, but not about respect. I had always associated respect with admiration and adoration, so I thought that I had to drum up a sort of fawning admiration for my husband ALL THE TIME and I felt a bit like a failure when I couldn’t do it. But God has been teaching me and helping me to understand that respect for my husband isn’t a feeling or an emotion–it’s a way of communicating and relating to him in every aspect of our marriage and life together.
But this post is getting a bit long, so I’ll just wrap it up by saying THANK YOU! This has been so helpful to me and has helped to bring me out of a sort of hazy, distressed confusion about what respecting my husband is. I know I still have a long way to go and a lot to learn, but thanks for helping me along. 🙂
I realized after posting my last comment that I probably should have clarified this statement a bit better: “even when I don’t _think_ he deserves it {he always does, it’s just that sometimes I’m not paying enough attention”
He always deserves my respect, not just because he’s a wonderful man, but because he’s my husband and respect isn’t about earning, it’s about giving.
I think this is right, but I’m still learning, so correct me if I’m wrong. kthxbye!
Respect is about earning it. He needs to give you respect too.
I feel like this is a big list of how a woman should obey, speak (or not speak) and behave her husband. This basically says that a woman’s opinion shouldn’t matter…. or that she shouldn’t have one at all. Why not make a list of what couples can do as a team? A lot of what was listed just isn’t practical in my house. When you live a busy life with work and kids a lot of this shouldn’t even be suggested. I think what works for one family doesn’t always work for another. And I think couples have to communicate and find a common balance in their everyday life. As a woman, is it impossible that I may just be right in an argument my husband and I may have? Lets say he thinks it’s a great idea to go buy a street bike before we buy Jimmy braces… I’m not always going to follow his lead in every situation if I do not feel it is in the best interest for our family. I am a woman, that does not make me a slave to my husband. I am a person with opinions and feelings that matter. My husband and I have been together for 9 years. I joke around that I wear the pants in the family. And honestly my husband laughs about it. I think he enjoys having a smart, witty, independent wife. I know it’s why he married me. We love each other and resolve our conflict in in a civil manner and it works for us. I am so happy I married a man who would not expect any of the above from me lol. Amen!
I just threw up in my mouth a little. And to make it worse, the version for husbands is not how to show your wife respect, but how to show her love. What about respect?
This comes from Biblical principles in Ephesians 5:33. It is not suggesting that women are not deserving of respect, (because we totally are) or that men don’t need to be loved. Paul (author of Ephesians) spoke specifically to the items we don’t do naturally. Women and men, built very differently, required different commands. Women naturally love, and have a driving need to be shown love. Men naturally respect, and need to be shown respect. When men don’t feel respected, they don’t react lovingly. When women don’t feel loved, they react disrespectfully. Paul spoke to them based on what they needed to understand, not what they already did naturally. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs wrote a fantastic book called Love & Respect
. It’s an interesting read.
I’m all for having respect for one’s husband. However, respect is something that should be equal, and earned. This is a disturbing list of ways a woman should bow down to her husband. Also, I disagree with anybody who claims the Bible tells a woman to do this. It says to have respect *for each other*. A wife isn’t a servant or a subordinate. Marriage is a partnership. What especially bothers me is you telling women to not argue. REALLY?? How will you work out your differences? Are women to assume their husband will magically know what is bothering them? Or are you telling them their feelings don’t matter so shut up? Either way, that is not the way a woman should be in a marriage. Let me close by saying that we just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary so I am not new to marriage. We have been to hell & back *together*. Had I been subservient to him, we would have never made it. Not only do we argue but he WANTS me to tell him what is wrong, what he is doing that is wrong or what is upsetting. He is a man who wants a WOMAN, not a child as his wife. We are not “Satanic emissaries trying to destroy families.” We are a couple in a good marriage, dealing with life’s realities, supporting each other, happy with each other, going through life together, honoring our vows by sticking it out through the good & bad times, health & illness. etc.
One more thought: to the woman who posted she washes her husband’s feet: you seriously need to READ the Bible again (assuming you actually have read it yourself & not just basing your words on what others have told you it says). We are NOT to serve any MAN, we are to serve GOD! What part of that is confusing to anybody? Clearly, your scriptural training has been twisted & the messages you have been told by a HUMAN are incorrect. If you want to call yourself a Christian, then you need to get your head & heart wrapped around the fact that GOD is who you are supposed to serve, wrap your heart around what JESUS did to teach us to have respect for each other. Do not be a slave to a man, be it your husband or a minister. Again, we are to serve GOD FIRST. Read the Bible, It clearly states that. And read it in your own voice,…
“respect is something that should be equal, and earned” I agree! I think everything listed here should apply to the husband as well 😀 My husband and I both work. So we cook dinner together. Or if one of us cooks, the other cleans up. It works quite well for us.
WOW. My husband and I just enjoyed a good laugh reading this ridiculous garbage. Women supporting the subjugation of other women is especially sickening. Well said Daisy, couldn’t have put it better myself!
This is a good summarization of the Bible, list… very well done! I’m a female, but I’ve often thought that if I was a guy, I WOULD LOVE my girl to always make some effort to look nice. Who wants a grouchy, miserable woman to call their own? One of my old bestfriends used to wear garter hose under her summer dresses and such (since she didn’t dress formally ever). Man, her guy was lucky, I thought. So, skinny or heavy, if she’s at least trying… how awesome is that for her man??? SO quit hating.
For how to be a Godly wife, read Proverbs Chapter 31 verses 11-end. Wonderful. But, for those who do take things too literally, no good.
Leah I agree I understood where she was coming from and some ppl take things to literally. I also believe in following a Godly man some things are just common sense. You hit the nail on the head!
I love this list! Everything you put on here is a clear indication that you desire to follow God’s way of marriage. You will certainly be blessed. 🙂 I’m not married, but I will keep these suggestions in my heart for the future. Thanks for posting!
ok i usually don’t comment on these things, but this list is just gross, like i’m grossed out. I can’t believe I’m writing a negative comment about something because I usually never do this, i usually just say nothing unless i have something nice to say, but i can’t help it. I saw this on pinterest and someone had said that is list is “amazing” and i really can’t believe that people think that. A marriage should an equal partnership, not just a relationship where the wife does whatever the husband wants. The husband isn’t the “leader”; there is no leader. And the part that said “don’t make excuses when he’s in the mood” just made me disgusted. Any wife should be able to turn their husband down if their not in the mood themselves. And also wives shouldn’t have to feel pressured to act happy all the time. If they’re having a bad day they shouldn’t have to fake happiness just to make their husband feel happy; they should be able to act like their having a bad day and their husband should be there to comfort her. I did agree with some of them like “don’t interrupt” and “cherish togetherness” and i think there is some good advice on here but a lot of this just is just awful, like seriously women aren’t servants who make sandwiches for their husbands anymore lol. I don’t get mad easily and it takes a lot to make me mad but this kind of made me a little mad. I still can’t believe I’m taking my time to write this long negative comment on just a blog post but like i said i couldn’t help it. This post honestly kind of hurt my feelings, like i can’t believe some women out there actually feel like they have to do some of these things for their husbands. ok I’m good now lol
You forgot about the part that you should go hide in a dark room for a week and make no contact with him while you are menstrating.
Wow. Wow. Just holy wow. You people are insane. To justify oppression or objectification toward another human being because an invisible deity you’ve never actually seen tells you to “not argue” or “dress to please”, it just boggles the mind. I have never seen such blatant disregard for personal freedoms in the name of some fairy-tale no one can actually prove. Women, in general, should be held in a higher regard for the SCIENTIFIC truths they are capable of.
I guess the worst part was reading through these 25 abhorrent ideas, and then seeing women respond in ways that agreed with them. One woman wrote she wanted to add one. “Respect his money”. How about earn your own? Women in Saudi Arabia and Afghanistan are getting their noses chopped off for have the wrong parts of their faces uncovered in public. Women in Russia are being imprisoned for standing up against men who think they rule the world. The last thing we need is a bunch of women thinking they are in any way subservient and less-than. Quite the opposite.
I do not, have not, and will not EVER believe in a god that tells someone I love to “obey” in any way.
This must be a joke. I am speechless. I can’t believe i wasted minutes of my life reading this. This is absolutely horrible. I can’t believe any woman would actually think that this is what a marriage is about. What a piece of crap.
I’m saving this to show to my husband. He could use a good laugh.
Ugh….just as the bible is out of date so are these suggestions? Have dinner on the table when he gets home???
Soooooo….I’m not a Christian and I don’t believe in the concept of a submissive wife, but nonetheless, I think both of these lists are pretty darn good. I read some comments that said “marriage is 50/50” – I think that’s dead wrong. Marriage is 100/100. Both of you have to give 100% to the relationship and your lives together. My mom and dad were the happiest married couple I ever saw – they enjoyed 64 years of togetherness and were holding hands and sharing stories until the day he died. I asked him once what makes a marriage work and his answer was, “You decide that this is the one person in the world for you, and you never look back. You give it everything you’ve got.” If you choose to marry someone, why would you not want to want to support him, encourage him and let him know you care? I don’t think this article intended to suggest that you should never let your husband see you without makeup, or that you have to be ready for sex at 4 a.m. when you have the flu, or any other weird extremist sort of thing like that. It read to me like this: Show him that you enjoy him. Pay attention to what makes him happy and what hurts him. Try to do the former and avoid the later. Non of that is sexist, it’s HUMANIST. If you love him, show him? What’s the problem with that?
Do any y’all ever do the “wash his feet with oil and tears and wipe them with your hair and kiss them” thing like the sinful woman did with our Lord and Savior? Well maybe you should (at least try it). I do this at least once a month with my husband and let me tell you it has kept our marriage anointed with divine joy and heavenly fever lo these past twenty-five years, as our children and neighbors can attest! (lol) There is no greater joy for a woman than to bow down and serve her lord and master, her noble protector and provider. Modern ideas have robbed women of this joy, and blinded them with selfish promises of equality. Such ideas go against scripture’s teaching: “to love, honor, and obey.” Newsflash: Men and women are different – hallelujah! (lol) – with different roles; both y’all can’t be leaders. If twenty-five years of blessed union, building a secure home together and raising a wonderful family have taught me anything, it’s that a woman’s place is at her husband’s feet. kissing and caressing them and rubbing them with her hair and oil and tears. Show your husband this kind of holy love, and he will more than pay you back… trust me (wink).
Yours in Christ and Christian Marriage, Heidi H 🙂
This list is good; but, I can see why it is controversial. Women feel respected in different ways and to respect your husband, it is important to do it in a way that is comfortable for both individuals. You know what I would live to see? A married male blogger who writes a companion list about respecting your wife. Would your husband do it?
This list is good. I can also understand why it may be a bit controversial. You know what I would love to see? A companion list from a male blogger about communicating respect to your wife…I wish my husband had a blog and would write it. Would your husband do it?
He already did. The link to his list is at the bottom of my list.
WOAH LADIES. CALM DOWN.
I think what’s really throwing people off is the religious slant and the idea that the husband is the “leader”, because beyond that, this is good advice.
Assuming you married a good man, these are tips on how to show you respect him. Say after working a long 9-5, he washes the dishes, helps get the kids to bed, and takes the dog for a walk. Why would you be rude to that man? What has he done to not deserve it?
Now, if he doesn’t come home after work, doesn’t help around the house, and only cares about what he wants, then look into counseling or get a divorce. But if you’ve got a good guy, put the same effort into your relationship that you did before you got married and you’ll keep him. If you let yourself go (sorry, kids are not an excuse), never ask for help (men are not mind readers!), and nag him for every little thing (uh, just let it go!), that’s not an “equal”, happy relationship, either, because that just makes him your bank & punching bag.
It’s not archaic to ask that you try to be the woman he married, and not turn into a mean hag. Communicate and put in the work. Don’t think that the second you get married you don’t have to either and he’s just supposed to KNOW what to do and love someone that puts no effort into herself or the marriage. I know a lot of women who have this misguided belief that marriage isn’t work, and that a fancy wedding is the beginning of an easy happily ever after. It’s not.
So ignore the things that don’t mean anything to you because you’re not religious, and just listen to the bits that apply to every woman.
STUPID WOMAN!! you write crap!
🙂
<3!!!!!! Yes, will be printing and referring to OFTEN! Am currently reading "love and respect" by Emerson Eggerichs-highly recommend!!
We are a newly-second-married 😉 couple with 4 kiddos between us, and we yearn to live a Godly marriage for our children and each other!
Thank you so much!
Hahahahahaha! Oh my…. that was the best laugh I’ve had in a long time. Welcome to the twenty-first century. This post makes it sound like your husband should be over you. Guess what I have three college degrees and a great job. I bring make more than he does. He can respect my money.
I will listen when he talk and not interrupt. I will protect his name for the sake of our family. I will try to keep a tidy house (but as a working mother it doesn’t always happen). I will be content because we live a good life.
However I will not follow him blindly. I have my own educated mind and I’m going to use it. I will argue at times because my need and wants, ideas and opinions are just as valid as his. I will dress to please myself. I will not always prepare his food. He’s not to good to eat McDonald some times. I will not always be romantic because let’s face it after I’ve worked a full day and put two children who want to do anything but sleep to bed and I finally get to bed myself st midnight I’m tired… Go away.
Now don’t get me wrong. I do love and admire my husband, but I can do that without making myself a second class citizen. I couldn’t be married to a man who expected that of me.
” Even
After
All this time
The sun never says
To the earth
“You owe me”
Look
What happens
With a love like that
It lights the
Whole
Sky ”
~Hafiz
I love this quote so much that I hand embroidered it on a pillow case for my boyfriend to remind him of how much I love him even though we are choosing to live separately until we are married.
Jennifer- your unconditional love for your husband is a beautiful light in this world. Please don’t let any of the harsh comments dim it.
That’s a beautiful poem, Chantel. Thanks for sharing it. I love hand-embroidered pillows, too. Here’s a photo of one I made for my husband several years ago, along with the story behind it.
I can’t believe that there are so many negative comments on this page…
I think that a lot of women are taking this the wrong way. This is not meant to push ladies back into the past, but help them realize what makes a good spouse. Honestly, I feel that these items/ acts listed (in addition to the author’s husband’s list) are just wonderful tips on how to be more Christ-like.
Being Christ-like is being selfless. It’s caring for someone else’s needs before your own, not because a “book tells you to”, but because you WANT TO. In your own heart and soul.
My fiance and I always put one another before ourselves. God led us to one another, and we thank Him for it by being a giving, patient couple.
That’s not to say we’re perfect, because we’re absolutely not. But I want to be the best wife that I can be, and that means taking care of myself, listening to my guy, and yes, doing a lot of what the above page describes.
Thank you for a lovely post (:
All I’m going to say is the title needs to be changed. It needs to read 25 Ways to Communicate Respect to Your SPOUSE. Marriage is a partnership and both people need and deserve to be treated and respected equally!!!
I hope this is a joke. It is truly disgusting. The author of this post clearly does not understand that mutual respect in any relationship is what keeps the love and spark alive – not a submissive female partner. Additionally, it makes me sick that the author assumes all cooking, childcare, and housework are done by the female, and all the breadwinning is done by the male. A truly twisted point-of-view.
And P.S. Yes, I have this opinion. No, I am not satanic, nor am I trying to break up any family values.
Jennifer, I commend you for this article & your site. You know that you are in & doing God’s will when you churn up those of this world…they accused Jesus for turning the world upside down; so keep up the good work sister.
I think this article was beautiful. I read a lot of the comments posted from people who also read it, lots of them are women who feel that this article is oppressing them, they don’t seem to like being in a relationship with someone they have to have sex with, they call themselves, independent and whatever and I really wonder why, if they don’t like the person they are in a relationship with, then why are they with them in the first place. It must be either financail or something for personal gain.
As I read through the article I realized that many of the tips in it I already practice in my own marraige, and it is not something I began doing because I read it in the bible or was told to do it, it came naturally. I read the article in the first place because I do love my husband and I want him to know that. We have been married for almost 20 years and I cannot imagine what life would be like without him. To find someone you love and have them reciprocate without asking is amazing to me.
I truely feel bad for the independent women who feel like giving love to there husband is supressing the woman they are and I am not sure I understand what being an “equal” in the relationship means. My husband and I discuss our issues as they come up, sometimes we argue but we work things out together, and thats what being together is about. I don’t try to seperate myself from him, I chose to make him a part of my life and when I made that commitment, I became a part of him and he a part of me. I do for him because I love him, I don’t expect something in return. I love and respect him, and I know he feels the same way I do.
I hope all of you oppressed women out there find someone you truely love unconditionally, someone you want to be with, and have sex with, and enjoy it. I hope you find someone you realize you want to take care of and I hope he loves you and wants to take care of you too. It is a wonderful thing and life is so short not to find true love in it.
PS… Its not all about sex.
Can you say this again! I really can’t believe some of these comments myself. I think she did an awesome job writing it.
I do believe that men feel loved when they are being respected, while women feel loved in other ways. Im not sure if you believe that you should abide by these “rules” during every moment of your life or not, but I do know that men do feel more loved and respected when you do these things. Does it mean you can never question your husband or do things because you want to? No, it just means that if you are trying to please your husband and trying to respect him then these are ways that men feel respect and love.
I can not belive this blog is for real… this must be a joke… and if it isn’t… god! you are not understandig jesus at all. Tell god your concerns? not to him? what kind of conection or comunication are you looking for with your partner? why should two adults keep their true worries away from each other?. In those kind of things you learn and grow, what is good about being a prefect barbie? Y hope everyday more a more people stop thinking this way, and looks for the real truth of love that has nothing to do with all this nonsense…
Just came across your blog…what a blessing!! I am in the military and move every couple of years and we are not always able to consistently get fed what we need, especially in the arena of marriage which can be even more stressed in this lifestyle. Thank you again!
According to Rob women who are not submissive are ‘satanic’. Rob is clearly a fundamentalist christian man with a submissive, passive, controlled wife. My husband and I are equals. I’m sticking with the ’empowered ladies of 2012′ not the 1940’s on this one! I echo the thoughts and comments of those above regarding the dangerous advice in this article. So so wrong to tell women that they should have sex with their husband when they don’t really want to. To be his slave and babysitter. Wow. I’m glad I’m not married to your husbands. They are jerks and you are oppressed.
I certainly didn’t read all of the replies to this post, but I noticed quite a few people were offended by your advice here.
I am not a Christian, so the bible quotes, for me, do not give any extra weight to your words. But, on the other hand, I have a deep respect for Christians and the bible, and do not discredit your words based upon your faith.
As a compassionate woman with deep love and respect for my partner(he and I aren’t married, nor engaged yet), I think your words are beautiful, and heartfelt, and that it is excellent advice for anyone who lives their life in the service of others.
I do most of these things for my partner, not because the bible tells me so, but because I love him, I adore him, I respect him, and I want my presence in his life to be a blessing. He, in turn, loves, adores, and respects me back, as I am sure your husband does for you.
We aren’t going to live together until after we are married, so some of your list does not apply, but I still agree with your sentiment.
I think that anyone who is offended by your advice is coming from the perspective that a man is not deserving of this sort of unconditional love and devotion. I know from experience that ver deserving men do exist. But, you can’t find them if you think all men are jerks and therefore settle for one!
I thank you for posting this list! And to all of those who have left negative comments, I’m afraid you’re missing the point here. Hang on…before you jump to conclusions, let me say that I have a master’s degree and have completed all of my coursework toward a PhD while my husband only has a bachelor’s degree. He has encouraged me in my education more than anyone else. He wants me to reach for my dreams. He in no way sees me as his “little wife” who just does his chores. The list in this blog isn’t to “put women down” or “set them in their place as less important than men”. It is to ensure that both men and women in a marriage get what they NEED. Men NEED respect just as women NEED love. If you want a happy marriage and want to ensure that you feel loved by your husband, you need to help him out by making sure that he feels respected. Showing respect to your husband in no way makes you less important, it is simply a message to him that you love him. Why not just show love? Because men are wired differently. In order to feel loved, they need to feel respected. I know that my husband respects me. I know that he loves me. He would lay his life down for me and my children. In response, I don’t feel that I HAVE to do these things, but rather, I WANT to do these things for him because I love him. And because he knows that I respect him, he bends over backwards to show me that he loves me. It is the way marriage was designed to work by a loving God, a God who loves all of his children, men and women, equally.
Is this for real? I am a happily married woman and very happy that I am not married to a man who expects June Cleaver every time he walks through the door! This has nothing to do with religion! I put my husband and son first everyday but I am a strong independent woman as well and find this highly degrading! Thank you daisy for speaking up!
Here’s a point a lot of people are missing — my husband does not expect any of this from me. He expects nothing from me. I give all of this to him to show how much I love and respect him. Like others have said about themselves, I am no doormat, he does not walk all over me. He appreciates my opinions and seeks my counsel before doing almost everything. We are very much equal partners, we just have different roles in the marriage. We have different needs, we are different people. I take care of his needs, he takes care of mine. There are no expectations by either, we do these things because we love each other and respect each other.
I just read an article about Helen Gurley Brown (RIP). She is one of the catalysts of the modern feminist movement. She elaborated on what she believes makes a happy marriage. Quite a few of Jennifer’s list made Ms. Brown’s. Amazing, huh?
I would love to see something regarding husbands respecting their wives. It is called equality. And the fastest way to a happy marriage is usually mutual respect.
I hate to say it, but this makes me a little sick…
I would really like to see both versions in a printable format to stick to fridge for daily reminders or in the journal for prayer time 🙂
JandX, you’ll find the list for wives here and the one for husbands here.
As a newly married woman, this disgusts me. Yes, I respect my husband, but this post is taking it to a whole nother level. Basically what I get from this is that I am supposed to be a 50s housewife robot who does not have an opinion or a mind of my own. Sorry, but I will dress for myself, cook what we BOTH like, and if an argument happens, so be it, because that is how we learn about each other and learn how to live with one another. Now I am going to stop reading all of the posts because, honestly, I am beginning to cringe. You sad women should value yourselves a little bit more.
Thank god I’m a lesbian, because this sounds crazy.
So women must show men respect but men must only show women love…? And women should do so by consciously being subservient, but men must only be tolerant? (Somebody’s confused about the differences in our genders) I’M confused by these titles, almost like it’s not comfortable to apply the same word (respect) to women. I’ve dated men who expected many of these considerations (above) but GAVE none of them. Dumped them.
I will Jennifer, I started two days ago when I first found your blog, so I’ll get back to you in twelve days time!
I’ll make this fairly brief as this is now an old thread, but yes I did try this out, and with the exception of one awful blip in the middle when I let self-centredness take me over, I’ve pretty much lived your list for two weeks….I think that both my husband and myself have reaped real benefits from it, thank you Jennifer.
So glad to hear the good report, Susannah. Keep up the good work 🙂
I found your list thought provoking, at first it reads in a very fifties housewifey kind of way which is rather offputting. But I have always known that when I think to myself that marriage is a 50/50 relationship I’m using it as an excuse not to give my all, what I like about your list is that it’s a 100% commitment. So as an experiment I’m giving your list a 2 week trial, you’d better pray for my strength and endurance!
I also appreciate that unlike a lot of bloggers you are publishing the comments of people who don’t agree with you.
Praying for you right now, Susannah! Let me know how it goes, okay?
I get where both sides are coming from. While I agree with a lot of the ideas on this list, I’ve seen what lists like this can cause. Trust me! Growing up– a Christian, homeschooled, oldest of eight, married now with kids of my own kind of girl– these lists have always made me leery. For every woman just looking for answers and trying to please God, there are many men looking for lists like these to beat them down! I’ve seen it first hand. Not in my marriage, thank God! Please if you are going to post this type of list, PUSH a list for men. They NEED to be reminded that marriage is not one sided!
Submission to your husband is not a sign of weakness but of strength. Like Jesus who humbled himself to the Father’s wishes. A women who humbles herself before God and her husband is strong.
If I could add one more…I know I’m a husband so go easy on me. Don’t make demands of your husband. Let your demand become a request so that he can fulfill your request out of heart of joy and love not out of fear. Would you demand Jesus: “Jesus, you better get over there take care of my need or else.” He may do want u want but the joy of doing it would be lost. If you say,”Can you please pick up those things for me on your way home.” you are allowing him to make the right choice for the right reasons.
i’m alarmed at how many comments on this site compare men/husbands to God/Jesus. Totally. Different. And this is what’s wrong with this article. They’re not the same and any man who believes that submission to him is second to submission to religion deserves to have a VERY uncooperative wife.
I m blessed with a very submissive wife.The bible specifically tells wives to submit to your husbands as unto the Lord so it isn’t something men make up. The husband is not the Lord but he is to be submitted to just like how the women submits to God. Same token the man is to love his wife as Christ loves the Church. This will make it easy to submit when we as husbands love our wives they way God intended. Submission does requires a death to self. As a husband I will be judged on how I lead my family. Your better off letting the one who God will judge to lead. He is already having to fight the devil and his own self and there is no reason he should have to fight his wife.
It is a blessing to see who desire to be what God asks for their husband and family. Praise God!
*slow claps* You. are. awesome.
Aaron, you sound like a really smart, good husband. Like my husband, you realize that your wife is a blessing and you are responsible before God for the leadership in the family. When my husband told me to just RELAX and follow his lead and that he is responsible before God to lead me and our kids and all I have to do is follow. It took a big weight off my shoulders! I’m glad that’s how God made it! Best wishes to your family 🙂
this is really in response to your comment below:
“He is already having to fight the devil and his own self and there is no reason he should have to fight his wife.”
Ouch! Convicted!
Praise Jesus for Grace.
thanks for your word brother!
I like this list! 🙂 I am also happily married! (odd…) I am shocked that so many women are disgusted by this, but it also shows why so many marriages are broken. Feminism is the death of family. Women these days will show their boss at work SO much respect cause they want to get money, but their own husband? The love of their life? Nope! So sad! Soooo depressing! The funny thing is, the more respect and honor you show your husband the more LOVING, and UN-demanding he is! If you want a happy, cozy, fun family, respect your husband. If you do NOT than don’t! Simple! I think I’ll choose the first option! :):)
Funny thing about the negative commebts they dont think that there are similar commandments for husbands. There are certain things like love and respect that become an ART so that a marriage be a most successful one. This list does not imply that women be a doormat, men are just as responsible for treating his wife right regardless of whether or.not he believes she deserves it. Funny how people forget there are 2 sides to every story. This post is awesome! As a wife its the one i need to read because I am responsible for me. I need not worry about how he should be treating me, thats selfish.
I can’t even believe this is real. You people actually believe this stuff? I am a male and I feel bad for any women who feels they need to follow this criteria. If there is to be effective communication in a relationship the husband needs to follow equal principles. This is oppressing to women.
Don’t argue: “Be willing to accept the blame”
How is that effective communication? You are all nutters.
I don’t believe she meant to take blame wrongfully, but to accept your own portion.
The today’s women who are so big into the feminist movement will always hate a list such as this. They are too prideful and arrogant. Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m bookmarking the printable list. My husband is my best friend and I’m always hungry for good, Godly advice in helping my marriage be the best.
I am surprised that there are so many naive women out there who don’t GET this list! I think it’s beautiful! Obviously if you consider yourselves Christian and don’t get this, you need to go back to you bibles, priests, ministers, whatever. MEN are ALSO meant to treat women well. This is just suggestions on , not only how to be a RESPECTFUL wife, but a RESPECTFUL and generally decent person. This isn’t a list setting us back 50 years! LOL Gods word is as true TODAY as it was when he first spoke them. People need to chill and get their panties out of a bunch!. LOVE this list! 🙂
Have some self respect.
Amen!
I want you to know that I understand each point so very well, what you mean by them and I agree with each one. I really thank you for writing this.
I got convicted and realized some of the things I wasn’t doing. Grant it, my husband feels respected and very loved and tells me so, but I feel like I can do more and that my selfishness gets in the way so often. As taught to me at my seminary wives meetings ‘if you give respect you gain love, if you give love you gain respect.’ so both get benefited when they respect and love one another. Not that we should respect our husbands just to get more love shown to us, but it is just encouraging to think about.
By the way, I am so sorry about some of the comments on here. As my mother always said, “If you can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all.” I once had a blog, I loved it. I got all my writing out each week and just poured my heart out in it. But once I had an exceptionally mean comment and I took it so hard that I ended up deleting my blog because it was obvious I couldn’t take criticism well and that I needed to do some growing up and maturing before doing such a blog again knowing that it’s inevitable to get feedback like that sometimes. You have handled it well in what I have seen.
With much thanks, Amber P.
I have watched my parents model this type of marriage for years and I have never seen more respect between two people. My mother chose to stay home for 26 years with five kids, and just recently felt the desire to work outside the home, all with the complete support of my father for whatever she felt she needed. On the other hand, my Mom has always cooked dinner for our family and made sure my Dad’s shirts were ironed and available for him for work. My Dad also dressed up nice, put on cologne and took my Mom out on dates. I routinely heard my parents ‘brag’ about each other to other people and speak words of encouragement to each other. Also, they prayed for one another. There was and is mutual trust and love. My Mom always said that the best marriage is where BOTH people feel they got better than they deserved. This list is for women…and I as a ’21 Century Woman’ feel that there is NOTHING wrong with throwing on a sexy dress for my husband, and yeah he likes it! If you expect to see the fire in your relationship burn brightly with you wearing a puked on t-shirt and yesterday’s ponytail three days in a row (an lets be honest…we’ve all been there..and hey..it happens!) you’re mistaken. Marriage is sacrifice, and if you say ‘I refuse to do these things unless they are reciprocated’ well…someone has to start it. “Greater love has no one than this, than a man (or woman) lay down their life for a friend”. My husband is my best friend, and I can show love by doing these things, and I guarantee that a loving, joyful woman is going to have a much more responsive man to HER needs than when she has an ‘every person for them self’ attitude…marriage won’t survive that way.
I wanted to throw up after reading this article. It is the most disgusting, demeaning post against women that I have ever heard. Please ladies, have some self-respect and do not listen to the garbage this page has spewed forth. Now I’m not by any means saying that you should not love and respect your husband/boyfriend. However, you should never sacrifice your own identity to do so! You have every right to your own feelings, as he has every right to his own. You are in a union together to SHARE all feelings, whether good or bad. Hiding all negative emotions, and pandering to his every need is just plain ridiculous
Thank you Carlee! This whole page feels like the twilight zone.
To all those who posted negative comments –
In a “self-centered” worldview on marriage, you are correct in saying that this list is offensive. However, there are those of us who seek to love our spouses selflessly, in a way that honors God and also brings true joy and fulfillment. This list was written to aid wives who desire to communicate respect to their husbands in doing so. If you don’t desire to show respect for your husband, then simply disregard this list. It’s not entitled “25 Ways to be a Perfect Wife”, it’s entitled “25 Ways to Communicate Respect”.
Husbands have an equally long, if not longer, list of responsibilities in loving and cherishing their wives. Most (if not all) negative comments here make the assumption that husbands are to live selfishly and thus exploit the various expressions of respect listed here in a way that is degrading to women. That is unfortunate, because there actually are many men out there who do, in fact, aim to selflessly love and cherish their wives in a way that is Biblical and complementary to this list provided here for wives.
Also, regarding the comments on equality: husbands and wives are equally valuable in the eyes of God. Nothing on this list implies otherwise. A leader is not “of greater value” than a follower; it’s just simply a difference in roles. In fact, if a husband is truly living out his role as a self-sacrificial leader, then his wife should feel incredibly highly valued above anyone else in the world. He should treat her “like a queen” and do all that he can to meet her physical, emotional and spiritual needs.
That selfless love is a blessed gift, and those who abide in it have great joy!!
BAWAWAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAH
Found this site via pinterest and let me say I could not stop laughing. I tried so hard not to but the giggles just started coming out. Then I showed it to my husband, a proud christian man, he too started laughing his head off. We’ve been married for 12 years happily and we both found this list impractical, demeaning, and dated. I value myself too much as a woman and a christian to think much of this list.
It breaks my heart that you choose to laugh at God’s word. These may be human interpretations of scripture but they are still Biblically based. God has very specific instructions for marriage. Very specific instructions for both roles because the role of a wife is different than the role of the husband. I am so saddened that you don’t know the joy of a selfless act of love or the true strength and the amazing joy that can come from humility. You and your husband will be in my prayers. Please remember that pride comes before the fall. As much as you value yourself as a woman and a Christian how much do you value God’s word and his instruction for your marriage?
It breaks my heart that women like you live in the twilight zone and think so little of yourselves, GOD would never want that for you. My 12yr marriage has been filled with EQUALITY of mutual love, respect, and trust. A real marriage of faith not one of submission and feign love of GOD as you try to proclaim. As a matter of fact I feel sorry for you and women who think as you do. It so sad to think some of you actually think you speak for GOD and his word. Ironically, speaking for GOD is more of your pride than you realize. People like you give good Christians a really bad name.
I view this list as a gentle reminder, for both sexes, that husbands AND wives should strive to do something each day to serve each other. By serving others, you are able to develop a fuller understanding of what love truly is. Service is neither gender nor denomination-specific.
Jennifer,
I often read blogs and NEVER leave comments…usually because its not worth the time and hassle to argue with people I don’t even know. However after reading several negative comments on this blog, I felt I should comment!
First, thank you for taking the time to write this. It’s well written and backed up with scripture.
Second, as a Christian woman in today’s society, its easy for me to see Satan’s tactics as he tries to make what is good out to be evil.
I just pinned a pic on Pinterest that said: “Chivalry isn’t dead, it just followed wherever being ladylike went!”
The Bible talks about Jezebel in the Old Testament…and we see how well a woman ruling the home turned out.
Old fashioned views on marriage? Probably. Biblical views on marriage? Absolutely.
Following God’s word has never let me down yet, and I know it never will.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for being what is apparently a dying voice about Biblical views of the family! Keep it up!
I agree somewhat but where is the other side of this?????? Most people I know that follow this to a T the husband uses it to manipulate and control his wife. Mutual Respect!!!!
My Pastor tells as story when talking on marriage that relates a bit to this: A husband wanted to leave his wife and was very unhappy in his marriage, so he sought the help of his pastor. His pastor’s advice to him was “Go home and for one week do everything your wife wants. Everything she asks of you, do. Anything she wants give. If you still want to leave at the end of the week we will talk then”. Subsequently the same day, The man’s wife also visited the same pastor about her unhappiness and her want to leave her husband. The pastor gave the wife the same advice “Go home and for one week do everything your husband wants. Everything he asks of you, do. Anything he wants give. If you still want to leave at the end of the week we will talk then”. After a week’s time the couple went back to the pastor, together, and expressed how the past week had been one of the happiest of their marriage. Doing things to make one another happy, and not having to ask for respect in return, made them more happy. The point is, marriage is a two way street, if you love and respect your husband, like this list, and God, advise, he will love and respect you back. Making the person you love most happy, should automatically make you smile for joy. “No one ever became poor by giving” I think this applies to love more then anything.
Really loving this post! I am going to do something crafty so that i can frame it and put it in our bedroom. Thanks so much for sharing 🙂
A lot of the advice here is basic common sense and thoughtfulness that applies to more than just a husband. Out of curiosity, is there a list of advisements for a husband to a wife?
Yes, Lina. My husband has posted just such a list for men on his blog: 25 Ways to Show Love to Your Wife.
I think My husband owes your husband! lol 🙂 Thank you for the lists. They are wonderful and beautiful!
Wow, very interesting how differently everyone perceives this. I am all about girl power and I don’t see how respecting your husband makes you less empowered. Maybe if there was a spot on here about ways for men to respect their wives? I think every marriage does well to have mutual respect towards each other. I think that these are all great ideas to think about =)
I absolutely agree with your list! It is no wonder so many marriages are in shambles from the comments I have read, it saddens my heart to read some the comments. I like how you referenced the scripture. Great job!
I think this is wonderful. I would think that if a woman truly loves her husband, and he is her best friend, then she should have no issue with these suggestions. Because if you truly love some one you will find that you want to do things to make them happy, don’t see it as serving your husband instead view it as doing kindness for someone you love. I see a lot of objections with the suggestion Dress to please him, it can also be for you, who doesn’t want to look nice? Taking care of yourself boosts your confidence. When I walk out and I know I look good I have to admit is a great feeling!
Amazing job!!!! I want more like this….
This list is unchristian and just overwhelmingly awful. From a Christian man.
I’m glad to hear from more Christian men like my husband who also think this list is absurd.
Reblogged this on The Parent Place and commented:
Good Parenting starts with a healthy Marriage! Great Post… worth the read!
Thanks, Kent. I appreciate the reblog.
This post seems to have touched a nerve with some women and I can completely understand but I think – and this is just my opinion- that if you are offended by this post you are standing in a place of ego and not in a place of serving others. That’s what God tells us to do. Serve others. Wives should serve their husbands AND husbands should serve their wives.
A healthy marriage is about giving love unconditionally without the expectation of anything in return. I feel this list is a guide and not meant to set anyone back to the dark ages or accept any kind of abuse from their husbands. When you love others, they will return that love. When you respect others, they will return that respect. And, if they don’t then you will cut those people out of your life- spouse or otherwise.
I will share this from Dr. Gary Chapman: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/2012/08/giving-love/
Dr. Chapman is a very good source for healthy relationships. Peace and blessings.
Good job! Well put.
Dress to please him? Oh honey, please wake up and join the 21st century.
When you were dating your husband, did you dress to please him? Why wouldn’t you do it now? Dressing to please your husband does not have to mean that you have to be dressed up all the time or that you have to dress sexy. It doesn’t mean that it has to be all the time. But, I love dressing for my husband. I love to see his eyes light up when I come out of the bathroom dressed nicely and put together. It doesn’t matter if I have on shorts, yoga pants, or a pair of really awesome jeans. As long as I’m pulled together, he loves it. Then again, I’m a bit of a free spirit when it comes to dressing and I love wearing funky clothes. He’s a bit more conservative but loves my funky/hippie ways.
Thank you for this list – I agree with and am happy to report that I do these things 100%. It’s nice to have a friendly reminder of how to keep my man happy – thanks again!
I don’t agree with this but last I checked I lived in America and if a woman chooses to lie down like a dog to her husband’s every whim then so be it. Why does everyone feel like they need to put in comments about a woman not respecting herself if she act like this towards their husband. If you don’t like it don’t marry an insecure sexist.
I saw someone did a critique of these when some one called them disgusting. He found them to be valuable and true but they are from a spiritual or non-christian perspective.
Repost:
These all make sense of you actually analyzed and re-worded them Which I have below.
1. Choose Joy:
Who wants to be around someone who is whining all of the time. Women hate men that complain so they should refrain from their favorite hobby of complaining when around their man. Unless they are actually seeking help to fix a problem, and most of the time they don’t want advice!
2. Honor His Wishes:
This goes without saying. And it should go both ways. But if he is the one working and paying the bills this having dinner ready and keep the house in order is not unreasonable.
3. Give Him Your Undivided Attention:
Exactly. Who wants to talk to someone who is texting, watching TV or doing something else. And again it goes both ways.
4. Don’t Interrupt:
No one want’s to be interrupted when they are trying to talk. This is basic respect and goes both ways.
5.Emphasize His Good Points:
This is very similar to the Law of Attraction Practice of focusing on the good in someone or something because what focus on your experience more of or attract.
6. Pray for Him:
What ever you believe about Prayer Be it meditation, sending love, or I suggest Hawaiian Ho’oponopono when you have a negative issue or conflict with someone. It’s a Prayer of forgiveness that is amazing and resolving conflicts with others. And the prayer is said to GOD.
7. Don’t Nag:
You’re not his mother and no man wants to be nagged. Once again common sense. And also goes both ways.
8. Be thankful: This absolutely true applying Gratitude to every area of your life is very power and will change things and your mental state in a very positive way. This should be done single or married and by everyone.
9. Smile at him:
If your not smiling at each other the relationship is over. I have never had a relationship where the we did not smile and laugh together all of the time.
10. Respond Physically:
This is very important. If your not satisfying your partner you partner will find someone else that will. If you have an issue you communicate and resolve it not use sex as a weapon.
11. Eyes only for him:
I agree with no comparing him to someone else (at least not in front of him or around others). I have yet to meet a woman that likes to be compared to other women. As far as not watching movies that’s just way too restrictive.
12. Kiss Him Goodbye:
True couples that kiss more are happier. And more passionate. I have never been with a women that didn’t kiss me when we parted. Of course it was mutual.
13. Prepare His Favorite Foods:
Hey this only makes sense if they are healthy. I have always done most of the cooking and I love to make the girl I was seeing food she will love. Why cook for someone if they are not going like it. Unless their favorites are junk food. This I suggest you find healthy alternatives together.
14. Cherish togetherness:
If you’re not doing this why are you even together?
But you do need time alone and time with friend also.
15. Don’t Complain: This is right. Woman hate complaining men, why should men be subjected to complaining women. Complain to your girlfriend they love to complain endlessness it seems. Men want to fix problems not complain about them endlessly. This personally is my least favorite trait of women. They will complain for hours focusing on the negative seeking no solutions and the call every one they know and do it over with each one. This is the most Physically and Spiritually counter-productive thing possible.
16. Resist the urge to correct:
Most women hate when men correct them even when they are wrong. So do men. And the way she talks about it it’s just knit picking. And no one likes that.
17. Dress to please him:
Common sense, smart women do this, the make an effort to look attractive, wear lingerie, etc… God knows women try to give men makeovers and change the way we dress for them.
18. Keep the House Tidy:
Of course don’t be a slob, this goes for both people or hire a maid.
19. Be content:
This is why have of the nation is in debt. If you want to spend more money make your own or hook up with a rich guy, don’t push someone into debt.
20. Take his Advice:
If it’s good advice and you have asked for it you should take it. Or if you have been complaining about a problem and he offers a solution do it and stop complaining. Get your ego out of the way and use good advice. This also goes both ways.
21. Admire Him: Well yea, if you don’t admire him you should not be with him.
22. Protect His Name:
Yes, don’t go around bashing him (complaining) to your family and friends. Then they get a negative view of him and dislike him. And don’t the good side of what you like about him. I have seen women do this. Everyone hates the guys but the women stay with him. Either shut up or leave!
23. Forgive his shortcomings:
You can not have a Happy relationship with grudges forgive or leave and move on.
24. Don’t argue:
Correct discuss, find common ground. And STOP bring up things from the past that are not relevant to the current discussion. No one is always right. Except me :0) And always make up before bed or so I have heard from couples of 50+ years.
25. Follow his lead: If you want a strong, attractive man with goals and drive. YOU MUST follow his lead. No man worth anything that has a back bone is going to be with a woman who is always trying to fight him on everything and trying to lead the relationship. This does not mean you can’t have an opinion or make suggestions or choose for yourself. If you want to run the show go find some wussy nice guy that will let you do that or stay single.
And for the women who are not understanding the blog and are offended by it, no one is saying to be your husband’s doormat! Our men go out into a world where sex slaps them in the face at every turn. If you’re not willing to dote on your husband, dress in a way that he enjoys, not nag, try to fight to be 1st, etc., I guarantee you that there are several women that are willing to do that for your husband and could you really blame him for thinking about leaving? You can fight to be right but guess what??? You’re gonna end up with a very unhappy husband or worse…alone!
Are you kidding me?! If you were married to a REAL Christian man, then you wouldn’t have to worry about him leaving you for another woman just because you might dress poorly or say no to him.
If your husband is willing to leave you or be unfaithful to you because you’re being yourself and not some idealized perfect version of yourself, then honestly, you’re better off without him.
Oh really! So if a man leaves a woman it is HER fault because she was not willing to dote on him at every turn. So men are like animals, they can’t control their urges because they are bombarded by sex. So other women will fulfill husband’s needs therefore wife must do it first in order to prevent husband getting needs met elsewhere. The wife must fulfill his needs are else she will end up alone. WOW….that line of thinking will sink women back to the dark ages. Feel sorry for women who think this way, clearly they don’t value themselves. Your comments was even more laughable than the list itself.
I absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this blog posting!! 🙂 If every wife would take this list to heart and put it into action in their own marriages, I guarantee there would be a lot less divorce in our country, way more happy and satisfied husbands who in turn love and adore their wives and make for an amazing marriage!!! <3 Thank you for posting this and I hope that you are able to ignore the disgusting & rude comments left by some of the other people! You know when you speak Truth that it hits a lot of people the wrong way and it's just that they don't understand the awesomeness of it!!!
This is wonderful for an understanding couple, a ‘normal’ couple with normal problems. What if you are married to a controlling no doubt bipolar alcoholic man who does what he wants and spends every penny on himself? What rules apply there? What do we wives do with them? Please refer me to a place where these questions are answered?
CK – I’d recommend you seek out a local Christian counseling service. Many are available for free. That said, I believe your relationship will still benefit from many of the suggestions on my list: Praying for him, smiling at him, looking in his eyes when he speaks to you, choosing joy, etc.
Okay, lady. Now you’ve just gone over the line. You do NOT recommend to a woman dealing with a “controlling no doubt bipolar alcoholic man” to smile at him, look in his eyes when he speaks to you (When he’s screaming at her probably?!) or to “choose joy.” Nobody should simply “choose” to be joyful about being in a relationship like that. CK – listen. The counseling suggestion is good, but if your husband refuses to go, if you are being harmed emotionally or physically, if you fear for the safety of your or your children, or if you are being controlled or suppressed by other means ( such as him holding all the access to the money or the car, etc), please PLEASE seek outside help. There are domestic violence agencies you can call in most areas, many of them church-affiliated if that is your leaning. There are also secular options, such as the National Domestic Violence Abuse Hotline. http://www.thehotline.org/ Al-Anon http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ can give you resources and answers about what to do when in a relationship with an alcoholic. Above all, if you are being battered, call the police. If you don’t trust your local police or live in a small community where you are afraid they might take his side, call your state police post. Just google the name of your state & state police for their number. I will be praying this situation eases for you, but please, please do not take chances. Call for help if you need it!!
The most dangerous part of the response to this post is the number of people calling others non-Christians and saying that these are biblical factual truths. Jennifer is entitled to her opinion, and her list is backed up with Bible verses. The Bible can be used to back up many opinions, and that doesn’t mean that she is or is not directly speaking God’s truth into your lives. If you are interested in a life as a submissive wife and your husband has also been socialized within the church, it’s a good list. But just because people disagree with the list and find it damaging does NOT make them non-Christians or “Satanic emissaries” or anything else. It makes many of them earnest, well intentioned people who are concerned that others are being influenced by something they consider damaging. I’m sure Jennifer doesn’t believe that she alone has a corner on God’s Truth, and that her interpretation of Bible verses doesn’t make them fact. Instead of name-calling and degrading the people who don’t support the list, why not try intellectual and spiritual conversation instead of condescending and hateful speech. Many of you are claiming to be an emissary of Christ, and if you’re going to publicize that you strive to behave like him, you sure better behave in a loving way. “A gentle word turns away wrath”, and so on. If you’re a Christian, you better act like it. I really don’t appreciate my Savior being represented by hatefulness and name calling.
Good point Jewel. We should always be thinking of how WE are representing our Savior and not worry about what others are doing and how well they are doing it. Reminds me of a song I learned when I was a young girl in primary:
I’m trying to be like Jesus; I’m following in his ways.
I’m trying to love as he did, in all that I do and say.
At times I am tempted to make a wrong choice,
But I try to listen as the still small voice whispers,
“Love one another as Jesus loves you.
Try to show kindness in all that you do.
Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought,
For these are the things Jesus taught.”
EXACTLY….this is why many people find Christians to be judgemental and intolerant group of people. I’m a Christian woman and don’t agree with this list. How dare others claim those who don’t agree are not Christian. There are billions of Christians in this world who’s to say your interpretation is the correct one. If you are true to Christ you believe first and foremost to be loving and respectful of others. Calling someone a non christian because they don’t agree with your interpretation is not christian like.
“If you’re a Christian, you better act like it. I really don’t appreciate my Savior being represented by hatefulness and name calling.”
Well said JEWEL.
I have been a Christian my whole life and have been happily married for almost six years to a fellow Christian. And I found these suggestions incredibly offensive. I can’t believe that any modern woman would live by these suggestions. I pray that if you have any daughters they will not be raised to feel oppressed like this article suggests.
Right on!
Thank you Jennifer!!! I prayed earlier this week that God would help me find a way to be a better wife. Stumbling on this is more than enough to show me that He always listens! Wow. I’m sorry you’ve gotten so much negativity.
To you ladies that think this is anti-feminist horse-pucky:
No one is telling you to roll over. The idea is to be less selfish. Read it as if you’ve been a pain-in-the-butt for years, and you’re wondering how to change. If you’re a great partner already, good for you. I’m not. And I’m a die-hard for women’s lib. But that doesn’t mean that it’s productive within my marriage to be headstrong and outspoken. Think it through gently, and don’t assume that the lady with the good intentions needs people saying nasty things just because they disagree. Since when does “I disagree” not do it?
Again, thank you SO MUCH for your post. Your family is truly inspirational!!
I was very blessed by this post. I was also very saddened by the attacks and negative comments. So, I just wanted to encourage you, Jennifer, and say that your strength of character and integrity are inspiring. My husband’s and my parents are both divorced, so I’m very sensitive about divorce and passionate about seeing marriages succeed. This will definitely be an asset to me in my marriage. I pray for you and your husband.
I wonder how the husbands of the women attacking this post would feel? I think that kind of thinking about marriage being completely equal is why our country is turned upside down. If you are married any length of time, you will know it can never be equal all the time. There is always give and take. And yes, I have been married for 28 years.
I read this blog post aloud to my husband and we both laughed our butts off. SO blessed to be married to a man who finds this all as ludicrous, outdated and ridiculous as I do.
I agree with most of these things. I am not a very biblical person but I do feel the need to show m respect for my husband. I am 25 years old with 3 kids. My husband is our provider. He does everything for us. I appreciate everything he does and I tell him daily but I also like to show him. If having his dinner ready when he gets home makes him happy then I will do that. If he is “in the mood” I will please him. I see a lot of people having an issue with wearing clothes that he wants. I think you are getting the wrong idea. Its not say you should have a dress code but rather if you know he likes a certain pair of pants or a specific shirt, then wear it. Try to look good for your husband. Thats all it is saying. I dont agree with everything in this but for the most part I do. I think every woman should show respect to their husband as well as the husband to their wife. It is a mutual respect. I’m sure when he gets dressed for a date he will put on those pair of jeans you think his butt looks nice in. 🙂
I thought this was posted on pinterest as a joke or to show followers how far we have come as a society. But as I read the replies I realized someone (a woman at that) actually believes this and is encouraging other women to follow suit. This is really sad and disgusting. As the mother of a daughter this is concerning that there are still some people with these views. I hope for my daughters sake and the sake of all young impressionable women and girls that you are not in a position of counsel and authority (such as teacher) to spew this philosophy of subserviance. I feel sorry for those that live near you and are subjected to it.
“Women of God can never be like women of the world. The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need more goodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity.” – Margaret D. Nadauld
Great quote, Emily. I’m sharing this on my Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/love.your.husband.yourself
There’s a difference between being kind, loving and supportive to your partner and “dressing to please him” and “never arguing.”
So glad to know it’s still 1955 in this woman’s house. I mean, obviously it is. See No. 25. This list is sickening. I am a Christian in a happy marriage, and I did not say “obey” in my vows. My husband had no qualms w/me removing it bc marriage is a partnership between God, him and me. This kind of stuff showing up on Pinterest makes me ill. I thought it was going to a useful article about being more respectful (something I of course want to be!) not a manifesto about surrendering my free will to my husband, giving it up even when I don’t to, and remembering to put on makeup while I smile, smile, smile! Forget that. You can be Christian and not be a zombie!
Agreed. Came here from Pinterest. What a pathetic offensive blogpost.
Agreed.
It’s funny. As much as some disagree with this post, I wonder if they’d be grinning from ear to ear if this list were given to their husbands to fulfill. Think there would be any complaints?
Godly men know that we’re not perfect, but shouldn’t our overall goal be to 1) please God and 2) please our husbands?
This is in response to this post and the post the blogger’s husband had written about how husbands should love their wives…
Fantastic! To be perfectly honest I had stumbled across the previous post about Wives and respecting their husband on Pinterest and was at first infuriated. While I respect the views shared as well as the right anyone has to believe and practice them, I cannot entirely agree. After reading most comments on the previous post and reading both sides I found a few things to be less than desirable. I grew up Roman Catholic. I went to Sunday School every week, I attended mass with my family every week and on recognized holidays. However, now being in my late twenties I have adopted a new way of thinking. I do not attend Sunday services anymore, because I do not agree with a lot of what is preached. Although, I do consider myself to still be a spiritual person, I believe in God for the most part, but at the end of the day I am content with the facts of my life. I have always said, “Just because you are part of a religion doesn’t make you a religious/spiritual person.” Which brings me to a few things that concerned me. After reading a few of the comments that were for the previous post. It disturbed me that it was implied (before the post on how men should love their wives) that if a wife does not follow these “guidelines” and if you and your husband have a “mutual love” for each other, essentially your marriage is doomed because eventually that love will die. I completely disagree with that statement. I have been with my husband since we were 16. It will be 11 years this December that we have been together and 4 years this October that we have been married and I could never even imagine being with anyone else. So, for someone to say or even think that our marriage would not last purely because we do not follow the Christian way is insulting. I know the Christian way, I grew up the Christian way. Just because I have chosen to not go to church and spew out lines from the bible as a way to placate a person’s opposing view points, does not make me or my marriage any less worthy. My husband and I are equals, and yes that means we sometimes argue because we don’t always agree with each other. However, we respect each other and what we both think and feel enough to let the other know, so the marriage is better for it. If I disagree with him and I think it is worth discussing, then it gets discussed and vice versa. If us both working a long day means we both end up in sweats and hanging out on the couch, me makeup wiped clean off, glasses on. Him, a little worn and sweaty from the day then so be it. I don’t look at him differently neither does he to me. We accept each other for who the other is and love each other endlessly. If I need to ask him to pick up his clothes off the floor, I do, If he needs to ask me to move my hair products off the bathroom sink, he does. Marriage isn’t one sided. Being a leader or a follower should never be an assigned role, but roles that should be shared. When one needs to be a follower then the other leads, and that means the husband is not always the leader and believe it or not, that is okay. Love is not simply black and white, what works for one couple may not work for the next, and it does not make them wrong. Christianity isn’t THE answer to a happy marriage. My marriage will not end in divorce because I have decided to disagree with some of your “guidelines”. Love is love, my friends, whether a man died on the cross for it or not.
Mr. Conway had a good response. I disagree with number 25 but the rest of the list is good advice. I am newly married and it is a partnership with mutual respect. I hope that the ladies with all the negative comments analyze their relationship and report back with healthy and happy husbands. At least put a few of these to the test and see if it makes a difference in your relationship.
I lost my husband and my 3 young kids lost their dad to cancer 3 years ago. My perspective on life has taken a drastic turn. He lost his life with his mom and myself at his side. I am grateful that I gave him most of the above on the list except #25…what did I lose from it? Nothing…my husband was a happy man. I definitely was not submissive or weak to him but I did respect and love him.
Males are programmed differently but need love, attention and respect as much as we do….
Some of these are quite warped, while some of them are sweet and lovely. Kissing your husband before he leaves? Super! But being sexually obedient, even if you’re not in the mood? To those of you who are saying ‘ I put myself in the mood’ I’m surprised you haven’t begun feeling the effects of intimacy resentment.
Are women slaves ? This list pretty much sums it up… I will treat my husband with respect but I will not be a door mat and be scared of him and God. It’s a great list tho for the closed minded and brainwashed women tho 🙂
I think all of you women who are commenting negatively on this are missing out on so much! I was a single mother for 12 years and have been a professional working woman all of my adult life. I am smart, independent, and accomplished. Most importantly- I am a submissive wife. I try to put my husband’s needs before my own…my daughter’s as well. I listen to him when he has an opinion on something and I take it to heart. I compliment my husband both publicly and privately and never speak Ill of him to others. My husband is the leader of our home. In return for this I have a husband who ADORES me and shows it every day. He brags on my accomplishments constantly and is proud to have me as his partner. He gets my input and weighs it heavily! My husband puts my needs first and often goes without so I never will. He loves me as Christ loves the church. He would lay down his life as Christ did. How many wives can say that? I can! Why? Because I’ve learned that submission is not subservience!
I agree Glorie!! In the same situation here!
I’m only 15, obviously not married, but I think this list is very good. I wish my parents showed this much respect for each other in our household, and I think if they did, we would actually have a much happier household. I love that you gave Bible references as well. I am going to save this list for when I am older and married. Thank you for writing!
Alison, my husband and I both grew up with parents who deeply loved and respected one another, and you are right — that does make a home much happier for everyone in it. His parents celebrated their 50th anniversary this summer, and mine had been married for 46 when we lost my father to cancer. People can argue with the various points on my list, but the proof is in the pudding. You are wise to be considering now, before you even have a husband, how you will one day relate to him. Women whose primary concern in marriage is maintaining their autonomy and demanding their rights are missing out on the oneness that God intended a husband and wife to experience.
I tried to live this biblical perspective with my husband and guess what? It didn’t work. My husband took advantage of my giving and was completely unappreciative, and then on top of it dropped responsibility for helping and taking care of our kids. Instead of appreciation for doing the dishes and making dinner, it was why didn’t you do this and that, and critiquing my dinner on how I could make it better. And then an even longer list of expectations. I dressed to please and my husband could care less. And my husband always thinks he’s right so I have to defend my thoughts and opinions when I believe that it is what’s right for our family. It’s a good ideal, but you have to find what works for your marriage. My husband and I only work when I am strong and ask these things of him so that we can have a 50/50 marriage that commincates and has respect.
I really didn’t like this. We are NOT living in the 50’s any more. Husband need to work just as hard to please their wives, it’s team work. If this is how you have to be in your marriage in order to keep your husband, then I truly feel sorry for you.
I think there’s some really good advice in here, but I totally understand the resistance people are expressing. It does have a very 50s-opressed-women feel to it. The main problem I have with this is the implication in lots of the comments that this is “the Christian way”. I am a devout Christian woman and I have huge problems with this. How does it make a woman less Christian to not be a good housekeeper or to say yes every time her husband wants to have sex and she doesn’t? In particular I think there’s a crucial balance between being selfless (which I agree is fundamental to all “Christian” relationships – all relationships, really) and protecting your own happiness and wellbeing.
I think this is a great post. I am not the most religious person you’ve ever seen, far from it, and I like the information here. I agree with what the counselor stated above, of taking what you can from here and go with it. If you don’t like something, don’t follow that. I think it’s just a good reminder of being respectful and loving to our husbands. If you have trouble doing any of these things then I am curious as to how in love you are with your husbands and them with you. If you’re worried about women following these suggestions and thus going against the women’s movement, then you have invalidated women there, to think they can’t make up their own minds and only do what they’re told. Take it or leave it. We as women can make up our own minds. How sad that some of you think that we can’t.
i except my husband to dress to please me…(no tennis shoes on date night, button downs that are NOT wrinkled, a little gel in the hair, shave his face) so why not wear his favorite red dress in return? obviously the people who don’t like this post don’t believe in treat others how you want to be treated
Love this list. We tend to forget that God gave us all the perfect advice for a happy marriage, we just have to listen to His word.To all the women being critical and whining about fairness and equality: I’d be interested to see how your marriages end up in the next decade or so.
I don’t like this.
Some of the points are valid, some are painfully dated. “Dress in a way that your husband finds flattering” (Why can’t she dress in a way that she find flattering?) “Defer to your husband” (Why can’t it be an equal union?). ‘Have dinner waiting on the table for him, kiss him when he goes to work, comes home, etc’ (I’m sorry… are we suggesting that the wife doesn’t leave work before he does, or even worse, doesn’t go to work at all?)
Some nice points in here, and I agree mutual respect is a must… but it just grates on my nerves that it’s just that slight bit sexist.
If you truly love someone it won’t be hard to want to do a lot of these things for your husband….. more often then not if your showing someone respect whether it be a friendship, family relationship or spouse it will be reciprocated. If you are not in the mood for sex i think you should at least try, sexuality is very important and a huge part of us as humans and a huge part of most relationships. I would feel sad and rejected if my husband didn’t at least try his best if i was in the mood, its mutual respect and can really affect a person’s self esteem down the road or change how they feel about you whether they admit it or not. A lot of people now a days whether christian or not get married and think well thats it i hooked them and let themselves go, i think its important to try and be attractive to your spouse and not think just because your married you have no more responsibilities to your marriage. The core principles in this article should apply to anyone no matter your beliefs if you are wanting to have a happy marriage that can last a lifetime. I don’t want to be a wife who down the road is blind sighted by my husband leaving me for another woman because he didn’t feel loved and appreciated. It goes both ways but this article is focusing on what women can do to better themselves and relationships to their husbands. I don’t understand the many harsh comments about that when its clearly stated in the title. A lot of the negative comments only go to show a lot of people are very unhappy in their lives and are trying to stop others as best they can from being happy in theirs. If none of these work for you don’t follow them but please be warned don’t be surprised if your marriage falls apart down the road or one day you realize how unhappy you are because your husband doesn’t treat you the way you would like… Hard to respect someone that doesn’t respect and love you…. i view it as a bank you can either add to your savings or withdrawl constantly, i choose to add 🙂 thank you for the reminder that i made a commitment 11 years ago to be the best person i can be for my husband not because its being forced upon me but because i love him and enjoy pleasing him. the wording of this article may be a little old fashioned but the principles and basic concepts have been proven over and over to work in creating happy homes which in turn raise healthy happy children… and who wouldn’t want that for themselves and their children… so in a few words stop being so selfish and think about someone else for a change you may find you’ll be much happier
Thank you for this article, It is beautiful and I am sad for the women who cannot see the value of respecting thier husbands. I learned many of these durring out Retrovaille marriage retreat and these living by these has changed my marriage drastically for the better. Thank you, Thank you Thank you for being such a feverent role model for us.
I find it upsetting that any woman feels that she should be submissive to her husband in order to convey respect. That being said, it’s upsetting for any man to expect his wife to be submissive in order to feel respected. Every relationship is different. I suppose the ideas portrayed in this article may work for some couples and families and if that is so, then that is very good for them. This certainly does not work for every relationship. I’m a 27 year old progressive woman (happily married) who is not really interested in trying to live in the past. Things have changed and people have changed. Frankly some of the “tips” here were rather disturbing to me. So old fashioned! The Bible is a basic guideline. I think some people take it too literal. Live you life how YOU like as long as you’re not hurting others and your actions come from a place of love and kindness. If some wives choose to live by the principles in this article, that’s fine. I personally dont believe ut is the will of God for wives to submit to their husbands and im so relieved to know there are other women on here that agree with my point of view. Just my thoughts.
After reading some more comments, I wanted to add something.
While I agree that as a wife we should be trying to please our husbands, it doesn’t mean that we have to follow this list to the letter. They are suggestions, and I don’t do every single one, but on the whole I do try to show my husband respect. And quite a few of these ways are on the list. I am my husband’s equal. Doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do some of these things for him either.
I really like this list. Regardless of what a lot of people have posted, I believe that in a marriage you should be trying keep love, respect, loyalty, openness and faith in the relationship. The basis of marriage has not changed since the beginning of time. Just because the world has changed, doesn’t mean that the foundations of a marriage should. I try hard to keep my husband happy by doing similar things from the list, not because I think I’m “below” him or should worship him, but because I love him dearly and want to show him that. I believe that my husband does the same. I don’t do things in the hope that he will return the favour. That is acting out of selfish love. I do these things because I love him and because I believe God honours that. As a few people have stated, the title is about how to show your husband respect, not how he should be showing his wife respect. That should be up to him and God, not you!
Thank you for posting this. It makes me feel good about my role as wife and I hope that I will continue to do these things.
Grandma Fatima? Is that you? Why would you cite Christian scripture to support your claims about how to be a good wife? I don’t understand.
Thank you for this! It was perfect timing for me. Funny how I’m the most frustrated or miserable in my marriage when I’m focused on myself. It was a good reminder of what the Lord calls me to do as a believer, put others first…especially my husband. And oh how I fail so often. But thank you for the encouragement and pointing me toward the One who gives the strength to accomplish it.
I definitely needed to find this list. Thank you so much for your encouraging words and wonderful ideas. I find myself constantly doing the opposite of many of these and I know that I need to make a change. God has given me the most amazing man and we have been married for less than a year and yet I find myself not showing him respect in many of these ways. So coming upon this list is wonderful. I also hope that all of the people who are leaving negative comments can somehow come to find the good in this list because it will be very helpful to them. This list is meant for a marriage of a man and woman who both love God, so I can see why there are going to be negative comments from some people. Again I want to say thank you! I just added this blog entry to my favorites so it can be a reminder to me (:
Daisy, I agree with your comments totally. I also applaud your approach to making those comments. I think that if propaganda like this is posted on a non-religious site (Pinterest, Facebook etc) there should be a disclaimer because I wouldn’t have read it if I had known. Once I started though I couldn’t stop. Thanks for putting it into kind words Daisy because what I had started writing would not have been.
This makes me want to throw up. Women are not going to play slave to chauvinist pigs!
Love the list! I think you should try to please your husband. I think you should definitely try to dress to impress him. You should want your husband to feel like he is very blessed to have you for a wife. It takes a lot of work to do everything on the list, but it is worth it to have security in the marriage and a happy husband. If there are women who think this list is outdated, they need to get over it.
If there are women who have to do all this in order to keep their husbands then they need to get rid of them. This is ridiculous.
I am a Christian, Pastor, and minister
In a baptist church. While this blog has well meaning suggestions they are written in a way that clearly has brought many to react negatively, mostly because of the wording I think that does not allow for mistakes, freedom of choice, and our own humanness. While scripture has many helpful guidelines, it also focuses on the perfection of God and not us, because this is a list we would never be able to live up to. Yes maybe we can aim for some, but it is a very extreme list if taken literally without understanding of mutual respect between both husband and wife, and many exceptions. This list does concern me as it does many of my pastoral colleagues as well. This blog makes Christians look outdated, and the Christian responses are somewhat judgmental in boldly asserting that those who have disagreed do not understand, care about, or live by the plan of God & scripture. While the statements made in this blog are an attempt to put practical suggestions to biblical values, the biblical values remain honorable but the statements are somewhat outdated, extreme, very black & white, & quite unrealistic. After all The main focus of the Bible is that Jesus came because we couldn’t live up to extreme religious lists such as these & it saddens me when people use scripture to bring us to a place efote Christs death. Again, while im sure this blog is well meaning, the statements are only a personal interpretation of what the scriptures may mean – it is practically what it means to her but do not sit well with many others including myself. We must be careful in using scripture to state personal beliefs – because as much as this blog may have only been meant for that, when we use scripture to assert our opinions, they take on a more absolute form – yet are still only opinions. Great opinions, great thoughts & intentions behind it I’m sure. But these statements derived from the principles given in scripture do come across as quite outdated. Please be careful when using scripture to assert personal opinions. It is things like this that confuses people on the validity of scripture when trying to decipher the true underlying values with personal interpretation that is very specific and may not accurately represent scripture therefore is not true for everyone. Opinions are not true for everyone, scriptural values are. Both are given above as if they are one but they are not. These statements are only opinion and not necessarily reflective of exactly what these scriptures mean. In saying that the statements are very extreme and I would not follow or preach them.
Thank you Ashley! That is exactly what I was trying to say as well. When Jesus came he simplified to two rules that we should follow–loving God and loving our neighbor as we do ourselves. If we were supposed to follow the rules of the Old Testament–we would need to follow ALL the rules–no mixing of fibers (goodbye jeans and a t-shirt!), men should have beards, no eating pork, etc. If women and men truly love each other in marriage, they will treat EACH OTHER with respect and value each other’s opinions in an environment that is a partnership–not one’s opinion outweighing the other. It’s great if this is what this woman and her husband do and that works for them, but this does not work for many families where both are working and both actually show mutual respect. My husband would not expect nor ask for all of the things on this list because he respects me as a person and a woman. And that respect and love is what will keep our marriage together.
Dear Kelly,
I pray you read this with an open heart, this comes from a place of love, especially since I used to have the exact same view point as you do. From your posts I am not sure if you are a Christian or a New Ageist who believe that Christ was a good teacher. However, you are the only one picking and choosing from the Bible, out of the Bible you choose the New Testament, out of the New Testament you choose only the words of Jesus and out of His words you choose only to listen to some of them. Jesus did clearly preach on marriage as does Paul throughout the New Testament. And you saying loving your neighbor as yourself is what you follow, everything on this list is just that, it is loving my husband as I would myself. I want my husband to look sexy for me and I will do it for him. I want my husband to fulfill me in bed and I will for him. I want my husband to listen to me and I will for him. I want him to be frugal with the money and I will for him. How is this list not loving him as I love myself? There is also a list for the husbands at this woman’s husband’s blog (I haven’t read it yet). As for the Old Testament rules, there were different kinds of rules (those specifically for the Jews to distinguish them from others–which we no longer need, the moral code–which Jesus said we are to live by, and those for the rest of the world–which Jesus’s great commission is that we bring ALL to salvation), so some of them don’t apply anymore. However, Jesus said clearly, “I did not come to ABOLISH the law, I came to fulfill it.” So, if you are a Christian then the Old Testament does apply to you or you are not following Jesus and therefore not a Christian, just someone who likes some of His teachings. I don’t honestly know which you claim or judge you in anyway, it is totally your choice. If, however, you are a Christian, I implore you to study and come to understand what Christ really taught. Christ also clearly stated, some will come to me on judgement day and say “Lord, Lord” and I will respond “I never knew you.” I used to be a New Ageist, I wanted to follow Christs teachings but only some of them. I prayed and found clarity, it hasn’t been easy to not interrupt my husband and not constantly correct him, I am naturally an interrupter, arguer, correcter, but man is it rude and not something Christ would approve of in ANY relationship. Most of these things which people are complaining about are actually good in any relationship, a few are specific to the husband wife and they are good for a marriage. This woman is speaking specifically to wives, so she isn’t addressing how the man should behave, only things that can help the woman to be a better wife. If you read this list and every suggestion also said he should do the same, or if the list said how to have a good marriage and basically said this to both parties no one would be complaining, it is just that everyone is viewing it from a societal view and imagining evil men holding women back. The Bible doesn’t condone men being evil, it says for man to be accountable to God for His family, and for woman to be his helpmeet in that. If anything I have said angers you, please forgive me, and please read it as it is written with a tone of love. If anything brings you to research this on your own, and come closer to God, then Glory be to Him! Peace, love, & light.
Would you mind elaborating on exactly which of these 25 suggestions you find so extreme?
Also, are you really saying that because Jesus suffered for our sins we don’t need to try? That we’re going to fall short anyway so there’s not point in trying??
Amen sister! I totally agree with you. So many of these suggestions, we should do in any relationship, parent-child, husband-wife, friend. Obviously those with a sexual intent are only for the husband-wife relationship. But seriously, having joy, not interrupting, making eye contact, not complaining, using money wisely, are things we need to be doing all the time. If we are to follow Christ, every thing on this list would exemplify His behavior. And His sacrifice certainly makes me want to try hard to behave like Him!
thank you for stating this! I totally agree! Everyone should read your Comment Ashley. Thanks for shedding some light on the problems with this list and why it’s upsetting to so many people, including myself.
Thank you for this measured and careful response; as a fellow Baptist Minister I shared your concern about the handling of scripture and the strong responses from some Christian commenters. If this approach to marriage is working for this lady then Praise the Lord! but I guess that some of those commenting negatively will have experience of this kind of teaching being used to abuse women and children so a grace filled, pastoral response would be more helpful than an assumption that this is the only way to have a ‘biblical’ marriage.
What??? You have got to be kidding me! I am a practicing Christian and married for 18 years. Please don’t spread this nonsense. Women are equals!!! Make his favorite meal, keep the house tidy… In our home we both work! It takes team work to put together meals and clean the house, and care for our children. Sometimes I make his favorite meal, sometimes HE makes my favorite, sometimes we make whatever we can with what is in the fridge. Follow his lead, don’t argue…sorry, men do not know it all and often times women need to speak up, take the lead or argue for what they feel is right! If women didn’t argue for what they feel is right, there would be no equal rights, no women voting, no equal pay. Have sex with your husband when you don’t want to!!! That’s insane, I can’t even begin to discuss how wrong that is in so many ways!
Your article is exactly why women are treated like second class citizens, submissive to their husbands and often abused. Treat each other with genuine respect and love and it won’t matter what you are wearing or what you cooked for dinner.
So much love for this comment. <3
For someone who professes Christ…you have a lot to learn. My husband and I both work. He does a lot to keep our house going-as I do. He cooks very often as well. Most people who feel as you do are missing the point. Jobs and roles are two different things. Submission (which is what the Bible teaches, by the way) is not the same thing as being a “second class citizen”, as you put it. It is actually a place of honor. Believe me when I say that I speak my mind. Nobody would EVER call me meek. I have simply learned what a precious gift that God has given me and I honor Him and my husband accordingly. I truly beg you to read the book Love and Respect. It really will give you a much better picture of what it means to have a Godly marriage. Both you and your husband will be all the happier for it.
So true and I strive to follow through with those tips. A wife is truly the maker of the home, we take up a huge responsibility as soon as we say “I do” and most women do not realize how important it is to keep the hubby happy in order to keep a well balanced family. I think these tips should be published in a book for engaged couples in order to prepare them for a successful marriage in the future. Thanks for spreading this wise knowledge 🙂
Oops I didn’t realize you had a book! I shall get a copy soon!
Seriously…I love my husband more than life but this list is a joke..gag me.
Thank goodness I wasn’t the only one reading this saying- seriously?!? My husband and I have a partnership that equals 100%. Some days I only have 40 to give and my husband gladly gives the other 60. Other days I give 80 when my husband only has 20 to give… Yet other days we can both give 50/50.
I am not married, but I will be (God willing, of course) in about two years. I love that you don’t hesitate to post what you feel God has led you to, despite the world’s new spin on marriage. I will be sure to keep these in mind when I get married and even while I am dating the man I hope to marry.
I think the biggest problem is that too many assumptions are being made. This article is directed to wives, it isn’t direct to husbands. If she had written one that said 25 ways to Communicate Respect to wives, you all wouldn’t be so upset. The reality is this. God gave us all a very clear playbook of what marriages are SUPPOSED to be. It isn’t a 50’s sitcom or a way to make us second class citizens. And if those of you who were reading this clearly understood what the Bible calls us to be as wives, you could appreciate the truth in the authors suggestions. Perhaps the reason the divorce rate is over 50% in this country is because more people don’t take the Biblical instructions literally anymore. It does mean submitting to your husband, those are God’s words, not mine. I run my own business, have two small children, and on my best day I have trouble living up to this standard, but that doesn’t change the standard. I say AMEN, sister!!
I don’t agree with everything on this list, but if more PEOPLE (men and women) followed more of these principles, we’d be better for it.
I felt the post was very helpful and sometimes just the basics is all you really need. 🙂 I’ve also read Proper Care and Feeding of the Husband or something like that… little more anecdotal (I think that’s the word) but never the less the same outcome- *respect your husband. I am definitely not seasoned at marriage, I got married later in life at the ripe old age of 30 *gasp* because I waited for the right person. We just celebrated our 5th anniversary. It’s been bumpy to say the least but so very worth it. I noticed a huge change when I started implementing the *basics*.I feel like my life is finally getting balanced. I feel my generation was raised in an era of -You don’t need a man , do it all and do it alone and don’t let anyone put you beneath them, especially a man. I grew up with my mom making breakfast for my dad and having dinner ready for him after a long day of work everyday. I thought that was soooo stupid and backwards and did not understand. Now I do this for my husband and I absolutely LOVE IT! (well except he’s not a breakfast guy during the week) but it’s different for everyone. I am a SAHW as of this summer. I realize this is not for everyone, for many reasons. But you have to start somewhere to find balance in your life because chaos is not conducive to a good marriage. There are many ways to interpret these basics. When I decided to quit my full time job I struggled. We don’t have kids yet, what would people think? Well- who cares?! We all made choices that lead us down the road we are on. I was fortunate to have waited for the right man and that road led me to where I am and I LOVE it and my Husband. He tells me all he wants me to be happy. He tells me he loves me. <3 You have to start somewhere.
It is interesting that I find this article while reading a book on modern day feminism (for those who are interested, the book is “How to Be a Woman” by Caitlin Moran). I have not yet finished it, so I cannot speak to the book as a whole, but this post (found on Pintrest) brings up some interesting thoughts. Given my growing idea of what modern day feminism is, I feel this post has a strong anti-feminism bias even if the individual pieces of advice may work for individual people. What it comes down to, for me, is that the tone of the article is that a woman is NOT being respectful if she has a different opinion on any of these matters…and even that she is somehow solely to blame if her marriage is not working like she had hoped it would.
I fully support women in this world who WANT to be subservient to their husband, who WANT to have dinner on the table when he gets home, or who have the internal desire to follow the strict 1950s gender role structure within their family. In fact, I know a few women personally that adhere to these or similar views on traditional gender roles. My problem arises with the tone that not-so-subtly says that if you bring up a problem to your hubby you must be nagging or negative: that there is no room in a modern day respectful marriage to have honest open discussions on problems, concerns, or disagreements.
To me, this has little to do with religious or not religious, Christian or not Christian… I am sure that most (if not all) of these nuggets of advice could be stated in a way that is both true to the Bible (as is the nature of this blog I understand) but is also pro-feminism. For example, under “Be Content” instead of the assumption that the husband is the only provider for the marriage, if it were to say to take satisfaction in the life and relationship you have built together, and together resist the urge to keep up with the Jonses, it would no longer have the “men above women” tone. It would communicate the same value, and perhaps women with a more feminist view of marriage would take it to heart.
Summary: I respect and understand what the author (Jennifer Flanders) is trying to convey, however, because of the wording and tone, it would not be something I pass along to my younger sister.
I agree with maybe 2 things. Not the list for me I guess. 😉
where can i find a wife with attributes like this???
I think somewhere in this article should be “And your husband needs to do this too.” Otherwise it comes across like it’s all on the wife, and we’re second class and less important, etc. Basically this entire thing reads as gross and horrible and the one way ticket to life of submissive misery. No thanks.
I’ve come across this site from Pinterest. I’m getting married in 9 days and if I knew my husband to be was expecting to come home to a clean house with dinner on the table, and a wife who’s dressed nicely with her make up done, who will let him make the important decisions and never let him think he’s done anything wrong, and then always give him sex no matter whether want it or not, there is no way he would be a husband to be! This is insane!
Myself and my fiance are both strong Christians and our faith is important to us. But I’m sorry, some of this is too far. Obviously you should respect your husband, be positive rather than negative, be thankful, etc etc. But he should also treat you the same. When you get married, you make the same vows and promises. Doesn’t that mean something, that you’re making the SAME promises?
It is likely that in our marriage, I will be the bread winner. So am I expected to spend all day at work, return home to clean the house, do the laundry, prepare dinner, never moan about my husband, keep smiling and then give him sex regardless? That would wear me and many other females in to the ground after a few weeks or months.
Some of these points are very true for a successful marriage but some are ridiculous. For a happy marriage, I believe you should respect each other equally, take equal share in household tasks, work through big decisions together and communicate/equally make efforts to keep your sex life fun and exciting for the both of you. If you truly love your other half, you will want them to be happy, whether that means wearing your pj’s in the house or whatever.
Please pray for God’s guidance in your up coming marriage. Study the Word of God. God has outlined the roles of husband and wife. Even of you are the bread winner some of these still apply. If you were single and worked all day wouldn’t you still need to feed yourself dinner? Wouldn’t you still make sure your house was picked up and tidy? Wouldn’t you still find time to go on dates? What would it hurt to fix or pick up on you’re way from home something your husband likes to eat every once in a while? Or to come home and throw a load of clothes on to wash while he is setting up a movie for you guys to watch? Or considering you are the bread winner…not mentioning his mistakes or nagging? If you mention his faults then that means that they are on your mind and causing you stress and if you constantly bring them up to him instead of encouraging him then he will be stressed too. Stress is not healthy physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. I believe this is where it is more important to pay for your husband and any faults that you find in him. Remember that God intends love to be a selfless act. Remember that what you do you are also doing unto Him. As far as sex is concerned you may not always be “in the mood” but your attitude is what makes the difference. Am I saying be a concubine…no but I am saying to consider saying ok before automatically saying no. Is it that you truly don’t want to or is it that it would be an inconvenience? Or that you are just tired and want to sleep? Read Song of Solomon. Use that as am example of what God intended physical love to be between a man and wife. Also ask yourself the question that if something were to happen and your husband was not here tomorrow…would you have done things differently today?
If you do these things and follow His word and let Him direct your path and if your future husband does the same then you will receive ten fold what you are giving (you reap what you sow).
A man & woman approach the altar of marriage side by side. Not one steps out front, nor behind.
Actually, I think it depends on what life throws at you sometimes. Perhaps at the start of a marriage, we’re side by side, but sometimes, one person is stronger than the other, or just more clear, or maybe the other partner has been dealt an emotional blow (death of a parent for example). I say there’s no real 50/50. Each person’s 100% will look differently sometimes.
I think this is a great list that both a Husband and Wife should honor! There are so many times when we get lazy in our relationships with all the kid’s activities and family obligations that we forget to ‘Date our Spouse’. All those wonderful things we did while dating should be kept, at a certain level, through out the years of marriage. Regular conversations, intimacy, acts of appreciation, and loving words go a long way!! I know from experience that the advice works and I’ve only been married for 7 years but I started at a young age. Using these recommendations have helped ward off temptations and grow together. We treat each other as equal partners and play up each others strengths to compliment each other in life. The recommendations aren’t meant to leave you 2nd rate and abused.
I have been married more than 20 years. I am a christian woman and all I can say is that both husband and wife need to respect each other. Too often this is not emphasized enough for the men. I once read a book by Dr Laura called “the proper care and feeding of husbands”. It claimed if we did the many things such as those on your list our men would be content and reciprocate. I found with my own marriage that it was not the case. My husband just doesn’t want to do anything around the house (and I’m not talking doing my jobs). He won’t pick up after himself ever, take cars to get oil changed or repaired, play with the kids, or take care of the yard. What can I say? That’s just him. Couples need to learn early on to mutually respect each other and appreciate what each other does by not taking advantage of the other.
I love this list because I married an amazing man. He is crazy about me even after being married for seven years. He does what the Lord says, ” A husband should love his wife,” I therefore want to be a better wife by respecting him. I give him the athority in our marraige because he has proven to be worthy of my trust. I think this is a list of things to think about, too many people discount the power a woman has to change her relationship with her husband. I have also seen many good men nagged and treated like scum by wives who are afraid to let the man that loves them to be the man that God has called them to be. After so long these men get bitter toward their nagging wife. I know there are men out there who are terrible, but I honestly think this is a list for women with good men.
It is really sad that this kind of sexist degrading crap still exists in the US in the 21st century.
Most of these should be reciprocated by a husband. Just saying…
No argument from this man.
I agree with all 25, but it comes across as wives are the only ones that need to do this. Husbands need to as well. Respect goes both ways and I have seen that if the husband is not respecting his wife, the wife has a really hard time respecting him. Marraige is 50/50! Both husband and wife need to practice this advice.
How wonderful! Thank you for taking time to write down all of the lessons that we learn as we strive for a successful life! I was taught that God designed that we should learn best as a male/female partnership. The work would have us think that these are “old fashioned” and “male dominating” thoughts, but as I strive (and sometimes fail) to do these things, I find great joy and enlightenment! I also see my 5 daughters grow in strength and confidence that I fail to see in their friends who are not blessed to have parents who follow your simple suggestions! Thank you so much for speaking the truth!
I think these are great suggestions for a happy marriage. I do think these things go for both the man and woman in the marriage. Marriage should be a competition-a competition of who could serve the other more. That is what it’s all about, and men and women alike could benefit from these words.
Thank you so much for this! It is well needed in the world we live in now.
It’s not surprising that so many women commented against this post. We are by nature selfish beings. It’s giving unselfishly to your man that will in turn reciprocate an attentiveness to your needs from him.
For me, I do most of these, most of the time by nature. I have my mom to thank for that! I grew up in a household where she always modeled respect towards my father. They just celebrated their 42nd wedding anniversary this month…hmmm… there may be something to this after all 🙂
This is great! I am a newly married and I have been struggling with some of these things…such an encouraging reminder to me of biblical womanhood. Keep it up!! Please don’t let these comments discourage you in writing about what GODs word says, so many people like to leave out verses because they are “hard”. Personally I feel like men have the harder job to lead women and love them like Christ loves the Church what a responsibility!! God is so good to allow us to haromize together as husband and wife!
Thank you for faithfuly sharing what the word of God says and not watering it down to make it more appetizing to the world 🙂
your sister,
Jamaila
I am so surprised at all of the negative feedback. It seems that most of the people with negative feedback have latched onto a specific item (or a few) they don’t like in this list and have made it all about that when in reality there are a lot of great ideas and suggestions here. I have found that with my husband of 20 years the more I show my love and respect for him the more he shows his love and respect for me. This list isn’t about women bowing down to their master husbands, it is about wives humbling themselves enough to be the change that may be needed to make their marriage something better than they could have ever imagined possible. I am sure that if a wife was to do even half the things on this list consistently she would see a change in her husband and his attitude toward her. I agree that marriage is about mutual respect and partnership but it is also so much more and that so much more has to start somewhere so why not with you?
This article is about respect. It’s not about slavery or anything like the above negative comments. Treat your husband they way you want him to treat you. Women want to be respected, cared for and loved just like men do. We need to stop demanding it, and instead work on giving these things and they will be returned. I can honestly say when I put more of an conscious effort in these things, my husband responds. As a wife, girlfriend, best friend and just a human being, you cannot control another person, you can only control yourself. Just do your best to put your husband before yourself and I think the mutuality will follow.
This is the first time I have read your blog and it was such a blessing!! Thank you so much for having the courage to post a Biblical view of respect in marriage! I really needed to be reminded of this today. God has used you as an amazing witness today. Thank you again!! I can’t wait to read the rest of your blog. God Bless!
Jennifer
Thank you so much for your blog. While I tend to get discouraged about reading all of the very negative responses to such articles, I’m reminded that the devil is very real and works in whatever way he wants and sees possible. As a follower of Christ, I did not have ANY problem with your blog, rather, I found it VERY encouraging as a young newly-married woman who wants her marriage to succeed. If I had any problem at all, it was simply my pride! Wow. When we let our pride get in the way of wanting our relationships to work, what happens? We’re going to fail! Thank you for your willingness to say what it right, even when others tear you down and criticize. Blessings.
I think a lot of folks are taking these comments to the extreme.
I am not religious but I found myself saying, “yep, I strive for that.” I was single for 47 years. I had a lot of time to decide how I wanted a marriage to work, should I get married. When I did finally get married, all those thoughts I had went out the window and I thought I was going to rule the roost. Boy howdy, was that a mistake. We fought all the time. I’ve revised my thinking quite a bit and live by these 25 ideas. Our marriage is beautiful.
Before you roll your eyes, let me give some thoughts:
For example, dressing pleasing for your husband. I don’t know if you all are thinking that you have to be dressed to the nines or in a negligee or what. I really don’t think your husbands expect that. I know mine doesn’t. But, I’ve cleaned up, gotten my hair washed, gotten presentable. I would say that happens 90% of the time. The other 10% – my husband understands that even though I work in the home, I am working. The 90% of the time that I get myself together, I may or may not have make up on (I don’t normally where it), I am in shorts and a shirt or yoga pants and a top. I might even be in my pj’s. But, I am put together. Also, does your husband like you in your jammies? Cool. Honestly, I highly doubt that any man is going to expect a woman be dressed to the nines when he gets home.
Keeping the house tidy? I don’t think it means immaculate. Again, I don’t work outside of the home. My job is to maintain the home. That was our agreement. Ninety-percent of the time, it is clean. I want him to have a haven to come home to. He works hard so I want a calm home for him. Archaic? Maybe. But, it’s what I want for him. The times when it doesn’t get done, he completely understands that I have those days.
For every one of those 25 items above that I honor, I get it back 10 fold. When I make his life happy, he makes my life happy. The more I give to him, the more I get from him.
Some of you may think this is old-fashioned and it might be. But, I’ve never been happier in my life. Don’t take these thoughts to extremes, don’t worry about if you do this, what is your husband supposed to do. That will work itself out.
*applause* I just wanted to say how much I liked this comment. I am not “religious” either, at least not in the way this blog indicates, as in believing in God, the Bible, etc. I’m not an atheist; I have my beliefs – they’re just not in the Christian God. My husband is the same way (though perhaps tends more atheistic in his views than I do). As an aside – I find some of the comments claiming you cannot have a happy marriage without God to be slightly rude – our marriage is quite happy, involves mutual respect and love, and we agree with a decent bit of this list, without God involved in our lives at all. You don’t have to be Christian to be happy!
And yet, I think most of these suggestions are great (with the obvious exception of praying about him and such, since we don’t pray and such, but that’s not really the point) – and really, DO use common sense, people! Of course dressing up for your husband doesn’t mean you’re dressed for a night at the opera every single day or something. But you go out on a date on Friday night, throw on a cute shirt and those jeans he just LOVES your butt in! There’s nothing whatsoever wrong with dressing up for him sometimes, because he LIKES how you look that way. Do you want to see your husband in nothing but his boxer shorts and a wife-beater top (I hate that name, by the way…) every single day of the year? You like seeing him looking nice for you, too, so reciprocate! (And seriously, the commenter I’m replying to says this happens 90% of the time? Really, she must be doing something crazy-right, because it happens around here maybe 25%! LOL. But that’s good enough for us – and it makes him all the happier when he comes home from work on the occasional Friday and DOES see me all dressed up for him.)
And this: “The times when it doesn’t get done, he completely understands that I have those days.” Ohhhhh this…this is the key. If you don’t have a husband who DOES respect that sometimes, you just have those days, or sometimes, you simply “don’t feel like it” – then you’ve got a problem with the relationship to begin with.
As far as some of the other comments go…if your husband is GOING to take advantage of you and treat you as a doormat for being respectful of him, rather than respecting you in return, then he doesn’t really deserve any respect to begin with. You don’t get granted respect simply by virtue of being a man, and I don’t think ANYONE is saying that (and if they are, they are the crazy oens). You get respect by being someone worthy of being respected – and if you have a good husband who loves and respects YOU, then yes, he is worthy of your respect as well.
It’s like a lot of others have said – not everything is going to work for you, but there are some good ideas. Go ahead, dress up for him. DO have a mug of hot apple cider waiting for him on a cool fall afternoon after he’s had a really terrible day. (And if it’s been THAT terrible, perhaps some spiked apple cider 😉 ) Don’t use moodiness to manipulate your man; don’t use ANYTHING to manipulate ANYONE. Manipulation is bad. Listen to him when he talks; you don’t have to stop in the middle of doing something every second of every day, but when you’re having a meaningful conversation, put down your darn iPhone. Once again, apply common sense. You don’t have to have sex with him twice a day just because he’s in the mood for it twice a day – and if he’s a good husband, he won’t EXPECT you to, because he respects *you*. None – not one – of these tips is going to work or make for a happy marriage (or relationship, if you don’t go the marriage route) if there isn’t respect on both sides; I really think that goes without saying.
If the author of the post disagrees with me on the “you don’t get respect by virtue of being a man, but by being worthy of respect”, then feel free to point that out – perhaps you feel differently than I do, and I certainly don’t want to mislead anyone!
I also wanted to add to my above post, that I forgot to mention first – I very much identify as a feminist. So does my husband. Being a feminist does not mean that you aren’t able to respect a man, or specifically your husband. It means that you understand you ought to be respected, and fight for your right to be respected – and if you have to fight for the right to be respected by your husband, again, he’s not a very good husband. So all the feminist hate is misdirected. There are a lot of feminists out there, like myself, who believe that yes, women ought to have equal rights to men, but also realize that no, “equal” does not mean “better than”. I do not consider myself better than any given man, nor any given woman, and any TRUE feminist won’t, either. (Yes, there are extremists, but there are extremists in any given subject, belief, system, whatever.)
Reblogged this on kris said.
Lady you are a disgrace to your sex. And the women who are that mind blank that they agree with this type of drivel, you have my pity. Long live equality.
You GOOOO Amanda!! I’m not saying I TOTALLY disagree with this blog, HOWEVER, what about the man’s respect for his wife for ALLLLLL the things she does, not to mention that 99.9% of the time she ALSO holds a job outside of the home!! Ya, this might be ok in a perfect world but this is NOT a perfect world. He who shows respect gets respect in return!!! Someone said earlier “do it for the kids”. Whatever!! These kids will grow up and move out and then what will you people, living in this fantasy world be left with . . . WAKE UP PEOPLE!!! Marriage is a two sided relationship, not one sided!!!! (married for 28 yrs)!!
“He who shows respect gets respect in return!!! ”
That’s exactly what Jennifer is trying to say — or at least what I got out of it. Be the first to show respect. You will get respect in return. Be the first to show love. You will get love in return.
Don’t read this as “if I do this, he will have to do that first.” It’s not a competition, it’s not one-upping each other. It is most definitely “He who shows respect gets respect in return!!!” Some seem to be expecting their husbands to change their behavior first. Like others have said, you can’t make a person change. But, you can initiate change. Be the first to change. It takes a strong person to make changes like this. If you do, you will be surprised at how easily your spouse will change.
Thank you, Jennifer Flanders, for these reminders.
Here is a Christian Man’s response to what love in a marriage and in life in general is meant to be. This is NOT to compare — just a response to those looking for what God believes a husband should do. Which, by the way is (in my personal opinion) can be more daunting (not to lessen our roles as wives) at times than what is expected of us. God says that Men should love their wives like Jesus loves the church. That means sacrifice their lives for us. If our husbands can do this then I think they are MORE than deserving of our respect and devotion. Now God also does not expect us to be perfect either. He knows we have fallen and we are flawed. That is where we as Christians repent, confess and ask for forgiveness in prayer. If all of these things are not working in a marriage then it won’t work very well. To respect my husband as a Christian woman means I have to live a Christian life with my whole heart, respect God and then respect my husband. For my husband to love me as a Christian man he has to love God and then love me with all of his being. We do have bad days but we always take the extra steps to pray together every night for wisdom in solving problems and then encourage each other in improving without cutting each other down. We also make a great effort to be honest with each other in love by saying things to each other lovingly. If we slip up we apologize and the one who was hurt waits patiently for an apology, giving them time to think things through. If it isn’t given then we kindly tell the other that we are hurting because of their words or actions. Does it go perfectly every day? NO, but it does get better all the time. I trust him to make wise decisions and he trusts my opinion and is humble enough to choose my ideas sometimes rather than his. If we don’t agree we openly pray about it together asking God to let us see the truth. Most of the time when I do this it calms my mind so that I can think clearly beyond my emotions and often see how I was SO wrong and my true goal was to just get my own way. If my idea still feels right I try to be patient and let my husband have time to think it through and see my idea may be the better way, but HE makes the final decision after lovingly listening and understanding my point of view. He thinks first. There comes certain points sometimes that I or him get our way and the other person let it go and then we find that it was in reality a horrible Idea and then the cycle of repentance, apologies, confession, forgiveness and prayer for wisdom come into play. Things always work out and the next time it comes up our hearts know the right answer before we even discuss it. It is just wonderful, not perfect, but wonderful! 🙂 The main thing for it all to work is for us to have hearts for Jesus and want to live our lives in his word. If that isn’t there it would be like a machine working without one of it’s parts, it will eventually fall apart .
So here ya go: http://youtu.be/bHftBn4vGJI
I hope you enjoy and love to you all in Christ’s name!
Thanks, Jenny. I watched the video and appreciate what Josh Garrels had to say: “It takes people acting it out, it takes people showing the world, without words, what love is — serving and giving themselves for one another — to redefine, in a culture where it has become so degraded and made into something that has lost a sense of beauty.”
Oh please. People are taking this way out of context… First and foremost this blog should have started it with “absolutely without a doubt start out with a man that you already respect and trust and love with all of your heart” otherwise you have bigger issues than this blog was designed for. Secondly, this blog is not titled “the secret to a happy marriage” the writer never claims that this is an all encompassing instruction manual, this was excessively for wives It doesn’t say a thing about what the husband should or shouldn’t do nor does it imply anything of that sort…so to say that its one sided or dismisses a womens feelings or her need to be respected by her husband and by herself isn’t true.
It also doesn’t say in #17 that you have to wear a skirt and pearls. If your husband likes the sweats and pjs you wear to the grocery story than great…but there is something to be said about a women who cares enough about herself to get dressed everyday….in whatever makes her husband proud to introduce her. Oh and the decision one…..get serious about the “we make decision together” that is spoken like a women that walks all over her husband” it’s not possible all of the time. There will come a point when you and your husband do not agree…i’m not talking about a simple decision like what to eat for dinner, I mean serious decision that you both are passionate about and one person will have to concede…the leader of the home should prevail.
which reminds me, the leader of the is not determined by who makes the most money and it is not possible for there not to be one …someone needs to be the leader that’s just the way it is, it will never be equal even if its by a very insignificant margin someone with always be the leader……
Oh and the house cleaning thing….are you really going to disagree with that one? You like your house dirty?? Get serious…clean your house! if not for your husband, than do it for yourself or your kids…
Like minds!
When making decisions, I always tell my husband, “Do what you think is best.” He always makes the right decision. When I tell him that, it makes him think of the ramifications and consequences of his decision. When I argue with him about a decision, he digs his heels in and will go around me just about every time.
It may feel like I am giving him all the decision making power but what I am doing is giving him the freedom to do what is right.
Cissy! that is so wise! (though I will have to turn off my sarcasm when I say do what you think is best)…. =)
This blog and all of these posts have got me really thinking about my marriage. I have only been married for a little over a week. I truly believe that the Bible is the word of God and it is an instruction manual for us to live. I do also understand that the world and family has changed and it is different now but if you love your husband you don’t have to be a doormat but showing him respect and lifting him up should make you happy. Most people forget the feeling of Love that they have when they first get married because it was only a feeling and not a deep rooted LOVE. I believe a deep rooted love in your heart includes respect, honor, understanding and wanting every happiness in the world for your spouse. I Love my new husband and I want to use these tips to show him respect and I will continue to pray for him so we will never lose this deep rooted love in our hearts. Most marriages have an artificial love that is great while the feeling lasts but wears off after the honeymoon and then the marriage struggles and eventually the two people give up. Marriage was meant for life not for when you love someone on the surface. There should never be a get out of marriage plan if your planing your separation than you should never be married. I have a deep rooted love and respect for my husband and I want to practice everything I can to show him that.
Terrrrrible!
Jennifer, I began to reply to one of the unfortunately negative comments here, but quickly determined it would be much more fruitful to simply send a kind word your way. This blog post is beautiful and full of wisdom. The seeds sewn through the actions and mindsets you’ve demonstrated above will -most definitely- bear fruit in the heart of ANY Godly man.
There are many people who just haven’t captured the revelation of the heart of unity. A certain commenter asked “whatever happened to ‘treat others as you would like to be treated’;” I hope I am not the only one who finds that question incredibly ironic in this instance. Is this person suggesting they would truly dislike for a man to treat them this way?—to honor them, encourage and pray for them, greet them with kisses and give them undivided attention, to forgive their shortcomings, value their opinion and always choose joy? That is precisely the husband I will always strive to be.
If my wife does -anything- to honor and respect me, my heart is flooded with gratefulness and a reckless desire to reciprocate that honor and respect. It is a wonderful and never-ending cycle of encouragement and affection between us. <3
If my wife did not seem to care, it would leave me wondering "what am I doing wrong that i don't have the heart of my wife?" :'(
Let the world mock humility and promote selfishness; i gain Nothing by pleasing the world, but i gain Much by pleasing my spouse (and honoring God in the process).
Bless you, Jennifer. Never be discouraged by silly comments. Let those things that you have been asking for come swiftly from the Lord!
Thank you, Evan. Your kind words bless me.
This echos the teachings of Dr. Emerson’s book “Love & Respect”, while in this day & age we (women) are taught, “I can do anything you can do, better” that is NOT how God intended a marriage to be. Ephesians 5:22 says “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.” This doesn’t say “When he respects you” or “When he treats you like your friend’s husband treats her” or even “When he starts doing etc”. Just as God calls husbands to love their wives in verse 25 “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;” God doesn’t say husbands have to earn respect any more than wives have to earn love. You EXCPECT your husband to love you unconditionally but have you ever respected him unconditionally? Hmmm. One last thing, do you want you future daughter-in-law to say to your son “I’m not respecting you or allowing you to be head of this house until you do ‘x-y-z’!!!” or even for your future son-in-law to say to your daughter “You haven’t earned my love yet”? In this day & age so many women want a “good man” but they do not want to treat them well once they get them…. Tsk… Bottom line, if wives believe that the Bible calls their husband to love them they had better heed the beginning of that chapter & listen to the call to RESPECT their husband.
I do not typically comment on blog posts I fundamentally disagree with, but this one is terribly dangerous to women. Several of the items on your list are not about respect. On the contrary, they advocate female disempowerment.
A woman who is disempowered in this way is not capable of being a healthy partner in her marriage. I know of no man worth having who would want such a wife. Worst case scenario she is too disempowered to leave what could be a very dangerous situation…. And your list tells them that their husband’s unhappiness is all their fault. “Maybe I wore the wrong outfit. Or maybe I need to gaze at him more lovingly. I should have deferred when he insisted on using our last $50 for a computer game instead of groceries. Then maybe he wouldn’t be angry with me. He’s the head of the household after all.”
Poppycock.
Women are not responsible for men’s choices, nor are they to be blamed for their unhappiness. Men run the gamut, just like we women do. Some are deserving of respect while others are not. Moreover, respect, like trust, must be earned, by men and women alike.
My husband and I are EQUAL. We share in cooking, working, cleaning, and raising our daughter. He does not have the final say as we work together to make decisions. I do not owe him anything as he does not owe me. We married each other because we are best friends, soul mates, and lovers. He did not marry me to have a submissive subservient wife slave like this list so implies. This list is sexist at best. Wow! I can’t believe it’s 2012 and women are so oppressed and by who? Someone they claim to love?? Get real!
I am neither submissive nor subservient(I laugh just thinking how ludicrous the idea of me being either) but I live by these ideas. The more respect and love I show my husband, the more he shows respect and love. It’s a mutual thing.
Wow, so smile and be subservient, because “God” says so. Good luck luck with all that, ladies!!
Thanks for the post Jennifer. My boyfriend and I have been fighting and he viewed something I said to his sister as disrespectful. This article put things in perspective for me and what I need to work on to be a good wife in the future to him or any other man. powerful ideas. thank you.
This is the most ridiculous crap I’ve ever read.
I think the negative comments left here are a sad yet accurate portrayal of our society as a whole. Just because you disagree with someone’s thoughts or opinions does not mean you should spout off rude and judgment comments. Communication like this has been empowering to our society allowing us to reach people we would have never been able to connect to before but it has also become such an easy way to anonymously be hateful and aggressive. Don’t forget when posting on someone else’s blog that you are responding to a person. This is a list someone wrote for those seeking advice. There is never a blanket list that applies to everyone but if you clicked the link from Pinterest, as I did, you are obviously someone who is interested in showing respect to your husband. Take the items from the list that you agree with and leave the items that you don’t. I’m not sure why these things always have to turn into a bashing…
I found your blog through pinterest and was so encouraged by this list!!! I have NEVER left a comment on a blog before but after reading through some of the comments I felt led to. I am currently in a bible study and these are the exact principals found in Titus 2 versus 3-5. We are using Carolyn Mahaney’s book Feminine Appeal Seven Virtues of a Godly Wife and Mother. If you have never read this book it is absolutely amazing and goes along with this post perfectly! For those who are commenting on how absurd this is and how submission is somehow equivalent to being a doormat I would encourage you to find a bible and look at God’s plan and design is for marriage!!! Submission is a beautiful thing(1 Peter 3:3-5) as it is laid out in scripture. God created us (man and woman) as equals (Genesis 1:27), submission does not mean less than and is not intended to be demeaning. God created the relationship between a husband and wife to reflect the relationship of Christ and the church. Christ died for the church! When both a husband and wife are fulfilling their biblical roles as set forth by our Heavenly Father, submission can be, no scratch that, IS a truly wonderful, satisfying, and rewarding experience.
BTW… I am now a follower of your blog. Thank you for this encouraging post!
If you hate this list, let us look at the converse list.
1. Choose emotional self-indulgence. Who cares about anyone else, just act out all of our emotional baggage all the time, like your 1 year old does. Your marriage will flourish.
2. Ignore his Wishes. Since the solidification of the feminist movement, you no longer have to do what he says!
3. Give him your partial attention. People love it when you constantly interrupt them. Besides, your husband is an idiot anyway.
4. Emphasize his bad points. Everyone knows that dwelling on someone’s good points is just naive and phony. Be authentic! Your husband is a loser. Remind him of that!
etc.
Miss the point much, Jered?
I am sorry for any woman who believes this. I am not the type of person who normally goes around commenting on blogs but I saw this on pinterest and just couldn’t let this go. I think that a large part of the problem that we face is that women are not standing up for themselves. You have to get with the times and realize that you CAN provide for yourself and you do not have to submit to a man. I am recently married and I can tell you that my husband and I are equal partners in our business that we own together. AND he does most of the housework. I don’t even know how the vacuum cleaner works. This is just how it works for us. An honestly, the reason I clicked on this is because I love my husband and I want to make him happy. Some men actually appreciate a strong woman. But
this is beyond disgusting and archaic. And I agree that divorce is terrible but it exists for a reason. My grandmother, mother, and both of my aunts were in abusive relationships when it wasn’t ok to get divorced. My grandmother endured her marriage until I was in college and she finally realized that it was socially acceptable to get a divorce. Now she is single and happy and I applaud her for it. I hate it when I see that women are all for degrading our gender even further and making it harder for those of us that have actually fought long and hard for women’s rights. Have a little self respect and have some respect for your fellow women who are actually making strides in the world.
What century are you living in? What about respect for your wife? A true partnership involves respect for both parties not a servile relationship.
I love your post and it cracks me up that people are so offended. My husband and I are partners. Partners in living the life God created. I do not always do those things, but I strive for them. Obeying is a beautiful wonderful choice that says, “I value and trust your opinion.” If I don’t think that he will make the best decision for us, then why did I marry him? He is obeying Christ just like I am. Anyway great post!
Thank you for your post. I’m extremely blessed to be in a serious relationship with a man who loves God and desires for both himself and me to put God first. Some of these I do, some I will start working on, and others will need to wait for well–a special day in my life. Thanks for the reminder of these biblical principles. 🙂
The 1950’s called.. They want their advice back.
Some of these tips are decent, but many assume the wife doesn’t work outside the home as well.
sorry but this should be titled, ‘How a woman can lower her self esteem and become a doormat’
I agree Susan. Marriage is an equal partnership not a dictatorship.
My husband and I have been married for over 26 wonderful years. We have always treated each other with mutual respect and look at our marriage as an equal partnership. There is nothing wrong with showing respect, but it’s a two way street. Having sex with your husband even if you aren’t in the mood, is not showing him respect…it’s lying to him by acting like it’s ok with you, when in fact, you don’t want to. How is that respectful? And yes, we are a practicing Christian couple.
Well said Brenda. Very much agree with you. Also a Christian couple.
No disrespect, but please explain to me how being submissive and cowering are different? By being submissive and putting your feelings and opinions aside, you are basically cowering without physically doing so.
It DOES take a strong woman to suppress those feelings and actions, but they are NORMAL and HEALTHY feelings that can be dealt with in an appropriate way that doesn’t include being submissive to a man. Your strength as a woman needs to be used in ways that will empower you and your husband in a healthy manner.
I think there is probably a good compromise in each of these points but the problem is that some women take them far too literally. Combine that with a husband who may get off on being king of the castle and you have a recipe for a very sad disaster.
Have you ever had an employer tell you to do something that you disagreed with? Not morally but strategically? But you do what your employer asks. Why? Because you submit to their authority. You are not a slave you choose to submit.
Yes, there are men who lord over their wives. And there are wives who hen peck their husbands to death. Neither are right or fair.
There is a perfect balance in relationships. When a women shows respect to her husband, he feels love. And a woman needs a man to SHOW love in the way he communicates and cares for his family.
I am open minded enough to imagine all kinds of relationship dynamics. But the one thing I know, is if a man feels respected by his wife, he feels loved.
Cowering is done out of fear. God has given me a wonderful man and I don’t fear him at all. If my soon to be husband was not a Christian and he did not follow the will of God then I may have reservations about submitting to him. But we discuss everything as a couple and make decisions as a couple but I feel confident submitting to him. I have faith and whole heartedly trust him and so out of honor and trust I submit. I don’t cower in fear.
This all seems like common sense stuff, but in this day and age it’s nice to have a reminder of what exactly the woman’s role as man’s “helper” looks like. I’m getting married in November and i’m going to take this list and pray over it. I know he is the man God has designed for me, but i want to be everything the needs in a wife and I know i can’t do that without God.
Thank you for this (and the Bible references with it)
You sound very conflicted, Rhiannon. Maybe you should “woman up” and take responsibility for your own life, for a change. Zombie Jesus and a book of 2,000 year old Hebrew fairy tales are likely NOT going to help you. Think about it, would the REAL Jesus want you to cower in fear and doubt like that?
When people are entering a marriage and have hopes that it will last for ever (aka they don’t go into it knowing that divorce is a quick way out if it doesn’t appeal to them anymore) they take things seriously. I think that it is good that Rhiannon is taking her decision seriously.
The REAL Jesus (who was God Himself incarnated) GAVE His life for the world, including both believers and those like you who continue to reject Him. Submitting to another’s leadership (or in Jesus’s case, Pilate’s decision to execute His crucifixion) is not the same as cowering; it’s showing wisdom (to further a greater cause, ie our eternal salvation), just as much as selecting a worthy lifelong companion. You have no right to attack Rhiannon; she was simply encouraging someone else. I’m not sure why you felt you had to tear her down! If you think the Bible is a book of fairy tales, explain to us why it’s been outlawed in so many countries and why so many believers have died for it. ~John 3:16
25 Ways to Be a Stepford Wife.
I’m picturing Samantha from “Bewitched” waiting in her apron at the door for Darrin to come home holding his martini in her hand…
Ya know what? When I know my husband has had a particularly bad day, I have a drink ready for him when he walks in the door. You should see the smile on his face and the love in his eyes when I hand him that drink. It absolutely makes his day better.
Why wouldn’t I want to make his bad day turn around? Why wouldn’t I want him in a better mood? Do you really think I want a cranky husband to deal with after busting my butt all day?
I do not, however, have an apron on. I don’t own one! 😉
By the way, when I’ve had a particularly bad day, my husband will do something to make it better — takes me out to dinner, takes me out for ice cream — whatever it takes to make my day better.
These are great but it’s two fold. Hubby must do these same things especially when the wife is the financial stability of the family. Hubby should help cook her favorites, help her keep the house clean. I love being a superhero but marriages are team work. Both have to contribute to each others happiness.
Any man worthy of respect would not expect or want a woman to do most of these things.
Agreed Sam!
Believe me, It takes an incredibly strong woman to submit that to talk back, smart mouth, or just cower. It is a choice. We allow them to be the “man of the house”.
Thank you again for posting.
I think many are angry because they simply miss the point. what you do unto others, you do unto God. You don’t treat it as a quid-pro-quo, you don’t say “yeah, but what about ME!?” You become the best person you can be, REGARDLESS of whether or not the respect is reciprocated. I have a hard time thinking someone who is treated with so much respect would for some reason be compelled to respond by treating you like garbage, but whatever the case, the point is to focus on how YOU can improve yourself. it is basically saying: be selfless. As Christ has done. Even if you are not rewarded by your husband, you will be rewarded by God. The only way this won’t work is when it is approached as a “what’s in it for me” thing. You should put yourself last. It is impossible to understand until you put it into practice. Once you do, you see how right it is. Sadly, most won’t even bother to try. it is easy to criticize something you have never had to do, but those are the last ones who SHOULD criticize. it is like someone who has never been a mother critiquing your mothering skills.
I doubt that Christ was only kind and serving to those who were kind and serving to him, he served all men regardless… When we read a list of ways to serve and respect our husband and our first thought is “well he should be doing these things for me!” then we are not being Christlike, but thinking of ourselves first. Yes, he should be doing those things for his wife too, but if he isn’t doing those things it doesn’t mean the wife has a free pass to stop respecting him. Treat your husband how you would like to be treated, just like you should treat every person how you would like to be treated.
Thank you for being a strong woman and posting this! It’s unfortunate there are those who see this list as an antiquated lifestyle. Their issue is not with submitting to their husbands, but with submitting to their Creator. Once the priorities are in line, this list makes perfect sense.
Thank you for this post. It is a great reminder!
WOW!! This was very helpful, love the way you incorporated the scripture with your advice. Thanks for this post! 🙂
Is this a JOKE?!? This has to be a joke…
It is a joke. The people who believe it don’t understand that yet, tho…
**Sigh** Soooo hard sometimes!
Successful marriages come from one basic principle: both husband and wife respect each other equally. Are these suggestions bad? Not at ALL. In fact, I try to implement many of them in my life. The key is, however, that my husband does the same! People are complaining about 17, but is that really so bad? I love dressing up nice and reminding my husband how pretty I can be. Is that the reason he loves me? NO, but it doesn’t mean it’s any less nice when he dresses up for me, too. Wouldn’t you love it if your husband looked admiring-ly at you? Then you should do it for him, too. This article may be better entitled “What husband and wife should do for each other’s mutual respect”. I promise, if both of you follow this advice, your marriage will be happy.
This should also be true for the husband. When a wife does these things and the husband reciprocates by being more and more controlling or cruel…. sorry, a male chauvinist is not touched by these actions… he doesn’t see the positive you are doing.. he only sees the things that are “wrong”… the wrong dinner (it’s too done, not done enough, etc) or cannot believe you didn’t clean THIS… pointing to some one little spot that maybe you missed on the counter or just spilled in the process of pouring the tea and just haven’t gotten to it…. or hanging his shirt instead of drying it because it’s new and he’s not there to ask if he wants it dried or hung so you choose better safe than sorry. I hope you get what I mean. When all he does is point out every negative thing he can find from the minute he walks in the door and all you (the wife) are doing is all these 25 things every day….. all I can do is cry. This may work for some but not this one.
Hang in there…I will pray for you and your marriage!
Mari, my heart goes out to you. Stay strong.
Well this is a load of crap! I do just this and still don’t get the respect from him.
Amanda…I am sorry that your husband does not provide you respect, perhaps he has depression issues?
Amen – I can tell you are an encourager. Thanks for all your sympathetic replies. I appreciate your participating in this conversation. God bless you.
For those that are commenting that the poster’s advice is antiquated and demeaning, I’m curious as to whether you came to this site honestly looking for ways to show more respect to your husband, or if you came expecting to find something to argue about? The post’s title is about ways one can communicate respect- and whether you feel that the items of the list are realistic or appropriate or not, you must at least see that they do indeed communicate a high level of respect. For those that argue that the husband should respect the wife, this article does not disagree with you! It is simply not addressed to the husband. Besides, I think many relationships would be improved if we demanded less and simply demonstrated how we would like to be treated by how we treat others. To the poster, thank you for reminding me that I should reflect the selflessness of Christ in my marriage.
I luv dis but I’d like to see one for tha wives as well 🙂
Your wish is granted, Monica: http://alltruthisgodstruth.wordpress.com/2012/08/14/25-ways-to-show-your-wife-you-love-her/
Okay, so this post was called “25 Ways to Communicate Respect” and your link is called “25 Ways to Show Your Wife You Love Her.” Are respect and love interchangable words here, or is it that we can’t admit that women need respect as well, and not just the feeling that we are loved?
I have been married 27 years, raised 3 children; I have been VP of a large corporation, working long hours and being the bread winner. I believe this list is a picture of who we as wives and women are called to be. While no one said it is easy, and it isn’t, I believe my husband and marriage are worth the effort. I did not always feel this way or agree with these ideas, but I knew the first change had to come from me. In showing respect to my husband, he feels loved. In return he is more loving and adoring to me, giving me what I need. While you may argue how he should just be loving to me no matter what, I agree. But don’t you think it makes it easier for him when I am showing respect to him? If we both say “well I am waiting on the other” when does it start? I would love to be in my sweats 24/7 I mean who wouldn’t? But why is it ok to get dressed up for work, for going out with the girls and not for your husband? I don’t think this means to be dressed up every minute, but why not have special times just for him? We have date night once a week and I do my very best to look nice for him. Not for anyone else but him. While we as women may not understand why, and all men may not agree, some men appreciate it. I am no marriage expert, that is for sure and I make mistakes all the time. But I do know these basic Biblical principles work for my marriage. It took me a long time to understand that I cannot change him, but I can change me. God has blessed me with an incredible husband and amazing children. I try daily to respect my husband, some days I fail. I will always keep trying.
You are absolutely right, Liz. We have no control over another person’s attitudes and actions; we can only address our own. If a wife stubbornly refuses to fulfill any of her own responsibilities until her husband has successfully completed all of his, and vice versa, the marriage is doomed to be an unhappy one.
Thank you for “cutting off my toes” with this blog! 🙂 These were things I definitely needed to be reminded of as I am so guilty of not following many of them and, trust me, the fallout has not been pretty (another story for another time). Definitely going to redirect my thoughts and actions as I do know better. From someone who has been married 34 years, worked a full time job and raised 3 children, if I had followed these more closely during all these years, there are areas in my marriage today that would be much more satisfying and content. Also to those of you who say you have the right to say “no” if you are not in the mood – I would give almost anything to be in your shoes. Unfortunately, due to medical reasons, my spouse is never in the mood and I long for that intimacy that we use to have.
I find it interesting to read the comments from those who say this is all a bunch of Christian “hogwash” (my interpretation of the negative comments). I will use the same analogy as someone who says there is no God. I would prefer to believe there is and live according to His grace and find out there is not one, than to believe there is not one, live according to my own rules and find out I was wrong! What could it hurt you to try a few of these and see if it makes a difference not only in your spouse, but in most of your relationships!
Thanks again for allowing the Lord to use you to remind me of actions and attitudes that I need to adjust.
Blessings
I have been on both sides of this argument. I have been the major decision maker in our marriage and the bread winner. I have lived the negative side of these 25 ways to respect your husband and now I am living the positive side of these suggestions. I can honestly tell you I am more satisfied and complete as a woman and wife using these 25 suggestions than I was before. You can’t argue with experience.
Thank you so much for this! As a soon to be bride I find myself already doing things that this list says not to do. It has caused trouble and I have had to go back and apologize. After reading some of the comments below I think it is important to realize it’s not always about dressing up for your husband as much as it is respecting his opinion. I am comfortable going out in shorts and a tank top but now that I have someone else’s feelings to consider….I wear my shorts a little longer and no low cut shirts. I’m still comfortable but I am not disrespecting my future husband by drawing other men’s attention towards me. If we take a step back and truly look at the way we carry ourselves, would we be pleased if the roles were reversed?
You are very wise! Keep it up and you will have a happy marriage and life! My friend in college said that her mother told her, “live your life as if your future husband is watching” I will teach my kids this (my son too (wife) of course)
Contrary to popular belief, learning to yield and submit does not mean being disrespected and whipped. Rather it means to serve, love, honor and respect. And as partners in the body of Christ- isn’t that what we’re already called to do? Unfortunately, we live in a society where now, we as women have been forced to step up and fill the role of a man. This was not in God’s orginal plan for us ladies! We were created to be a help-meet; his good thing. And man was created to be our covering, our provider, our protector. That we would carry the burdens of life together- as husband and wife, trusting in God. We have forgotten how to let a man be a man (sadly, you won’t find too many men complaining about this.)
Yes, husbands should definitely love and cherish their wives! But that is for another blog, another list, on another day. And one I would hope that would be written by a loving, God-fearing man so to be an example to other men. THIS LIST, THIS BLOG is directed towards us ladies, and what we can outwardly do to show love and respect to our husbands. It is based on solid, biblical beliefs. These are God’s guidelines- look up the scripture references for yourself if you’re not familiar with them. It’s in no way meant to demean women or imply that we’re less than a man. It’s that we are created differently than man! And really, that’s not a bad thing.
The Message version breaks it down like this:
“Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands. Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—-since they’re already “one” in marriage. No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.” This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.” Ephesians 5:22-33
Striving to love and treat your husband better than yesterday doesn’t make you old-fashioned. It makes you wise. Great post. 🙂
“Striving to love and treat your husband better than yesterday doesn’t make you old-fashioned. It makes you wise.” Well put, Mallory. I’m retweeting that one.
But I don’t think that people in the comments who criticize the old fashioned nature of it don’t strive to love and treat their spouses better than they did yesterday. It’s just that this list doesn’t work for everyone; it works more clearly for stay-at-home moms/wives who have old fashioned ideals about marriage and partnership.
For example, instead of “Have dinner ready for him. Keep the house clean. Be happy about what he’s provided,” my rules would be more like, “When you both get home from work exhausted, work together to make sure you find something healthy to make for dinner and clean the kitchen afterward” or “make a budget together that fits both of your needs and be content with what you have provided for yourselves.” And I don’t believe that a family must function with only one leader. As long as you listen to each other and work together, you can lead your family together. We only have 7 happy years behind us, but it works for us 🙂
Many of the other things are things you should do for each other and things you should do for anyone in your life (don’t nag, don’t correct, don’t interrupt, etc.).
To my first point, this doesn’t mean I think everything is done together and you don’t ever do special things for your spouse, but I think that having a “wife” or “husband” list comes across as pretty old-fashioned (bordering on sexist at times depending on the advice and wording). My three pieces of advice for anyone (male or female) to keep his/her partner happy: 1. Compromise and do not expect too much compromise from your partner without giving in some yourself. 2. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and show your love. Make sure your partner understands why/how much you love them (write them a song or poem, make their favorite meal, send a text during the day to tell them something you love about them, etc.) and don’t stop doing this when the “honeymoon” period is over and you think he/she knows how you feel. They still want to hear it. 3. TALK and then LISTEN. Be honest when it’s your turn and when your partner is sharing, don’t just hear; listen.
There is so much more, but I’ve found that these are very important.
It’s depressing to see that some women don’t want more from their lives than to be a cooking, cleaning sexbot for their husband. I could never respect or love a man who wanted me to follow a list like this.
Apparently, the problem is that you have a hard time respecting anyone.
I agree that these are dated and unrealistic in today’s time. My husband and I are a team. We both work, we both keep the “house tidy” and we make our decisions 50/50. Oh, and when we get home we put on sweats and look good for one another.
Once in a while I get irritated at religion as a whole and right now is one of those times. Religion wasn’t just created to keep control of the masses. The bible was written by a MAN to control people. Bleh. So thankful that my innocent babies aren’t going to brought into this world brainwashed into believing in false hope.
Looking forward to reading some more passive aggressive comments.
I am almost in tears that you are not going to introduce your children to the boundless hope that religion brings. Listen to a Christian radio station. The one I listen to has 100’s of callers each week so happy for finding the hope in Jesus and it changing their life for good. Maybe your babies will find God on their own and be a happy caller. I will pray that they are able to find the many joys in the hope God provides!
I am sorry that you had a negative experience with religion that left you feeling like it is brainwashing… I will pray for you too!
Jennifer…this is great encouragement! Our marriages take work and we are called to respect our husbands as husbands are called to love their wives. Genesis 3:16, Proverbs 31:10-12, Ephesians 5:33, Ephesians 5:22, 1 Corinthians 11:3 and 1 Peter 3:1-6 reinforce your message here. And that’s just a few verses. Married almost 21 years, I have seen the benefits of practicing what you have posted here. Thank you for sharing it at WJIM this week. To God be the glory in all things!
Followed this from Pinterest and wish I hadn’t. How absurd! Obedience is a quality I look for in a dog, not in my partner in life. So happy I married a man who looks to me for guidance as much as I look to him. I weep for the poor stifled women who are choking this crap down because it’s gospel. I can’t imagine encouraging my strong, smart daughter to behave this way. It’s hard to believe God would equip women with such great minds and strong will if he only meant for us to obey.
Only the strongest of women are able to do this… it is not easy to obey the commandments that God set up for us, but we obey because we love God and God loves us
This list was written as black and white…I think that if we all took a look at the shades of grey we would agree they are not hard to follow and that men at least my AMAZING husband would likely do the same things for me and that is a HAPPY MARRIAGE! (At least mine is very happy, is yours?)
What a WONDERFUL way of putting that!! I couldn’t agree more with your post. Thank you.
I should have specified that I agreed with AG. 🙂
I really enjoyed this post and find it comforting that there are women out there that are challenging the current thought process that defines submissive, humble, and obedient as a bad word. I am a working business woman and can hold my own in that environment. I have always struggled to be humble and obedient in all aspects of my life. These are not traits that come naturally to me. I thank God everyday for sending me someone who tries my patience, my willingness to be humble, my desire to be obedient. I feel like if I can practice these attributes in my relationship with my husband, it strengthens these attributes in my spiritual life. And I don’t care what denomination you are, being humble. submissive, and obedient to God is a universal principle to everyone who believes in him (including men).
I would also like to say that I do let my husband be the ultimate head of the household. He has the final word and makes all the decisions. I often have to justify this process to friends and family and I always respond by pointing out that I married someone that I respect and trust with everything in my life (my health, my happiness, my family, etc). What would I be saying about my choice in a husband if I didn’t trust him enough to make these types of decisions?
If we taught our daughters that the 25 rules above were the absolute responsibility of every woman in a marriage, our daughters would be more choosy about who they married. If you marry someone you can trust and respect, you can trust that they will treat you how God has instructed in the bible.
I agree, Tammy. This IS what I teach my daughters, and I do my best to model it for them, as well. And you are right. Knowing before I ever married that I would be expected to submit to my husband as the head of our home did indeed have a profound effect on my relationships and conversations with potential suitors. I wanted to make my job as easy as possible by marrying somebody who shared my faith, my goals, my values, etc. There weren’t many who fit that bill, but I am so very glad I waited for one who did, and that God so faithfully provided a man who works really hard to earn the respect I so willingly give. We’ll be celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary this Wednesday.
Do you send your daughters to school? If so, why? If you want them to simply stay in the home and live only to obey / respect their future husbands then what is the point of them getting any education? What a deprivation of what this world has to offer.
Also, just curious… if the major breadwinner of the family is the wife.. do these rules apply only to the husband?
Jennifer, then, that is all that matters. What works for you and your family is sacred. Falling in love and being in love is easy, oxytocin makes it physiologically pleasing. Living together and raising strong independent confident upstanding human beings is another thing altogether.
There are many factors that can erode familial foundations and they are vastly different from five decades ago. Communities were more homogenous, people wandered less, died earlier, had less opportunity for education thus their worlds remained somewhat cloistered.
If people really want to find and maintain a life partner, it’s going to take a lt of work and if you dont learn to listen, empathize and compromise…it’s going to be tumultuous no matter your gender.
Tammy,
Thank you for your well thought out response. You took a lot of how I was feeling about this article and my marriage in general and put it into very clear and logical terms, at least to me. As soon as I came across this article, I expected many of the negative comments about how “outdated” this list is. I am so tired of women being overly critical of each other and how they decided to manage work/kids/home/marriage. What is so horrible about wanting to respect and please your man??
As someone who has almost been married a year, I feel a lot can be gained from implementing these ideas into everyday life. Coming from a broken home myself with parents who hardly ever expressed respect, let alone love, for one another, I know first-hand the slippery slope of “modern” marriage.
I’m not trying to go the “can’t we just get along” route, because we all know that is never going to happen. I am going to put this out there – I think what is really tragic about these negative comments is the lack of respect among the women commenting here. I believe one of the hardest parts about being a woman today is all of the pressure that is put on us by each other to do EVERYTHING and do it PERFECT. The list above is not about perfection. It is about joyfully giving and showing love to the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with. Sometimes life deals you days or months or even years that can be very trying on your spirit and your marriage. The above list should be looked at as tools to keep in your back pocket to help navigate our crazy lives, and help remind us why it is all worth it.
So tonight when my husband gets home from a 12 hour work day, I will give him a huge kiss and let him know how much I appreciate how hard he works for our family. Then when we get ready to sleep, you better believe I will pray for the well being of my husband, and pray for myself to help me become the best wife I can be. And while I may disagree with a lot of the negative comments here, I know that at the end of the day many of us are struggling with the same troubles and just trying to do our best. I believe that our best is really all our spouse can ask and hope for, and what we should strive for everyday. I think he deserves it!
I would just like to add that… yes 50 years ago there was less divorce. This was not because this list of rules was followed, but because women had no choice. They had no money to leave, they were social outcasts for being divorced etc. You can be a smart, independent, outspoken woman with your own ideas and still love and respect your husband. You have to have some self respect to give respect! I am very much for each to their own, but personally found this to be a little insulting to my being as a woman.
Im insulted too! My husband and I laughed so hard at this list. All you need is to respect each other. If you have to put this on the fridge to remind yourself how to be good to your husband, you probably shouldn’t have gotten married. Yeesh.
The title should be “forget your own feelings, just make sure hubby’s happy”
You make an astute observation, Allison. To put it another way, I might have simply quoted Philippians 2:3 — “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves.” This is the essence of selfless love. It is also the heart of the gospel and is the example Christ lived out for all of us (Philippians 2:1-16). The Bible states unequivocally that this is also the kind of love a husband is to demonstrate for his wife (Ephesians 5:25-33). The amazing and surprising thing is that, when we place our spouse’s happiness ahead of our own, our own happiness gets multiplied and deepened in the process. Give it a try and see for yourself. You can even skip #17 and stay in your sweatpants. If you’re faithfully doing the other 24 things on the list, your husband is not likely to complain about that one.
Jennifer, I may not agree with everything on your list (or at least how black and white it came across). After all, many acts on your list I appreciate getting from my spouse. Although, it is difficult to get a sense of who a person is through their words you do seem very much like a strong woman who does not lack conviction and most definately I don’t think you are a doormat. You have some great replies. If you can handle these women on here like you are I have a strong feeling you are your head of household without the actual title.
Thank you, J. I certainly don’t feel like a doormat. I am blessed to be married to a man who believes strength, tenacity, and intelligence are praise-worthy character qualities for women as well as men. Submitting to him as head of our household is something that I do by choice, not by coercion. His wisdom and integrity make it easy for me to respect him, and he has always been very good about reciprocating: http://alltruthisgodstruth.wordpress.com/2012/08/14/25-ways-to-show-your-wife-you-love-her/ .
You make a good point, Jennifer. I trust and respect my husband enough to know that he will always make the right decision for us. He’s made decisions I’ve not agreed with but they have turned out to be the RIGHT decision. If I would have made the decision, it wouldn’t have been the right one. He doesn’t make decisions unilaterally. He discusses them with me prior to making them. He hears me out, takes my opinions, wants, and needs into consideration prior to making them. Ultimately, though, I leave the decision to him. He never lets me down!
Yep.
So were is the blog about a husband showing respect towards his wife, or a boyfriend showing respect to his girlfriend…etc…. its a two way street.
Just what I was thinking!
This can only be taken seriously if the husband is required to do the same for the wife. Really, aren’t we equals? The base reason any organized religion does not appeal to me (even though I was raised in a very Christian home) is this fundamental assumption that women should always cowtow to their husbands. It’s nothing but bull if the husband does not return the favor.
hello Jennifer. I so happy my friend retweeted this link and i read all of it, i agree to all of although i am very guilty of some just now but i am working on them. thank you so so much. thank you. and to think that you are baptist, i’m a baptist as well. much love
I love all of your tips! They are things I’ve heard for years in my own church, and I fully believe they are keys to a happy marriage. I have been taught to focus on things I can do for my husband rather than focus on what he can do for me. Thank you for sharing!!
Is this a send-up?
WOW!!! This is about the most ridiculous article I have ever seen! Life isn’t centered around our husbands and whatever happen to treat other as you would like to be treated! Obviously your a passive woman who waits on her man hand and foot! Good luck loser!!
Brandle-the point is respect… name calling/negative post… let’s disagree politely!
Brandie, if the women who are living this are in happy marriages, and it sounds like we are, why are we losers?
To me, success = being happy. I am a very happy woman, my home is full of love, my life is full, I have a husband who adores me, I adore him. How does that make me a loser?
If being happy in my marriage makes me a loser in your eyes, so be it.
I can agree with all of this, except the part in “Respond Physically”. I feel like if he’s “in the mood” and you’re not, you don’t HAVE to do anything. And my husband agrees.
I agree, but I also think, that if he is in the mood, and expects sex, then he should take the time and effort to make his wife comfortable, relaxed and turned on, before proceeding!! If she is stressed about something, then its very hard to get her in the mood.
And there is nothing that says that you can’t reschedule for the next night. Perhaps you are so tired you can’t lift your head. It’s better to tell your husband, you know, I will knock your socks off tomorrow night but you and I really won’t enjoy it as much tonight. And then, make good on that rain check. He will appreciate waiting.
Heck, there isn’t anything wrong with telling him that before you do it, if he could take out the trash or mop the kitchen floor. People seem to frown on the barter system, but if he is really wanting you that much, there is nothing wrong with getting a little something done that you are wanting. But it has to be followed through with. If he does his part, you must do your part. That is the point of bartering. And no, this is not using sex as a weapon. No one is dying here. It’s telling your husband that you appreciate the fact that he is wanting you but it would be so much better if you didn’t have that dirty floor on your mind. You can rest a little easier knowing the floor is done and he is getting to be close to you. It’s a win-win.
Also, I read somewhere about something called the 40 beads. This lady gave her husband 40 beads and told him that if he wanted to have sex, all he had to do what put the bead in her cup on her side of the bed. She then had 24 hours to make good on that bead. It could be right away or 24 hours later. What this did was gave her time to prepare. She could put aside things from her mind that might have preoccupied her as well as gave her a chance to build up to the moment. The anticipation was great she said. And he was more relaxed about it all because he knew that sometime within 24 hours he would also be taken care of. That opened him up to helping her around the house more instead of coming on to her ever three minutes. Seemed to work out well for them. My wife and I haven’t tried this but it does sound interesting.
I appreciate the thought that went into creating this blog, but I find it a little much. As someone who works outside the home, where am I going to find the time and energy to do what I need to do at work and then come home and work there too?? I understand my husband doesn’t want to see me dressed like a slob all the time, but I WILL be comfortable in my own home. I think the thing that gets to me the most about this blog is that you don’t seem to take a woman’s personality into account at all. I know that when I married I left my old self behind and became part of a team. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have thoughts, desires, hobbies, and preferences anymore. And hopefully it didn’t make my husband think I would become a 1950’s housewife who always looks hot, keeps the house immaculate, and is ready to jump into bed whenever he is. I believe in respecting my husband, but I don’t belive that I have to become a doormat.
I agree…
I could be mistaken, but divorce rates are considerably lower in certain religions because divorce is shunned. Not only that, but in certain religions or lifestyles/cultures where the woman is subservient, leaving your spouse is out of the question or terribly difficult.
I hope that these marriages that last are happy on both ends, but I’m sure there are many that are not and that SHOULD be considering divorce. Just because there are low divorce rates among a certain group doesn’t mean everyone should still be married.
Now, I would really really hope that before marriage you know your future spouse well enough to want to do the things on this list and be able to do them as well. For instance–honoring his wishes? I would hope that if there’s a wish of your husband’s that you can’t honor or don’t agree with, that he’d understand and respect that. And as many of you have said, that it should be mutual.
I think you can boil all of these points into one–communicate well. It all falls into place if you have that in working order.
I’m with Karen. Successful relationships are based on mutual respect. Not worship or putting one another on a pedestal.
I’m the woman of the home, and if my husband makes a mess, HE cleans it up. If I’ve had an insane day taking care of my son and the house is a mess when he gets home, HE cleans up and HE makes dinner. In fact, it’s not one person’s job in our house to cook, clean, or take care of our son. It’s a partnership. We share responsibility in the home. And I’m proud to say I’m not on any antidepressants and my husband and son are happy as clams and feel 100% respected.
I wish divorce was frowned upon a bit more than it is. I think that with the rising of women’s rights some women believe that the man should do everything for her, but yet these same women are saying the list of ways to respect their man are insane…with double standards it is no wonder divorce is at such a high rate.
I am a teacher and I cannot tell you the number of children (I teach 6th grade) that are scarred from divorce…I think that at least half of the 25 things are MUST DOS to keep your marriage alive! Of course men should show respect toward their woman as well (and I think when respect is given it is often reciprocated and vice versa)
I’m a man and think this list is insane on all levels.
Right on, Duggan. I’m a woman and think it incredibly insane.
I found this on Pinterest and only followed it here out of curiosity. I believe some of these suggestions would be difficult to follow if there is already a thorn in your marriage, but what I do like is the underlying message here – love is a verb – it is an action we choose even when we aren’t feeling it. I imagine first trying some of the ‘easier’ ways to communicate respect will make those harder ones fall into place. So much of being a wife and mother is on the job training.
Maybe you should also write a post about how a husband should show respect for his wife. Woman are the ones who do all the real work in life. I have a job, raise my son, cook, clean, and do tons of other stuff. It’s not all about the men
Stay tuned, Marci. I’ve gotten lots of requests for that. My husband is working on just such a list right now, and it will be coming shortly.
This list is not respect in no way at all. im sorry but when I get married half this will not ever fly. dressing to please your husband is not respect, having sex whenever he wants, thats not respect that is not having self respect. learn what respect is first
Good advice for being respectful. I think many of the ways that you have listed sound helpful for any relationship. Of course not everyone understands what can take place when a person does this because of the understanding of God’s work through humbleness and Love. It really relies on the reasons of the heart and mind when deciding to do this. It can not be done with the mind of the world, with fear, envy or resentment, or it is better not done. It can only bed done in relationship to God in Jesus and with prayer and a desire for God’s ultimate guidance.
I don’t generally leave replies on blogs, but for some reason here I am typing. I think it’s a little insensitive when people respond to someone else’s thoughts with overwhelming negativity and blatant harsh words. It can be challenging and nerve-wracking to put your words out there for the world to read and it can be incredibly hurtful when someone attacks you outright.
That said, I do think there is a lot of truth here, and that, yes, as married women, we are called to respect our husbands. They crave and need our respect. However, I can’t lie- on just a few of the points I had to hold back my gag reflex as some of the ideas seems slanted toward the conservative Christian idea of the man being the “unquestioned authority in the home.”
I may sound like a pendulum swinging back and forth, but I’d like to believe that I hold a unique point of view. Here are just a few of my thoughts in case they might be helpful to anyone who reads them.
1. This is the 21st century. In many cases, the woman “brings home the bacon.” In other cases, the woman stays home. But I would contend that this is just as equally exhausting as going to work everyday. It’s a full-time job where you never get to clock out.
2. Marriage should be treated as a partnership. No one person has the “final say.” This is an opportunity for bitterness and resentment to take hold. Both sides and opinions need to be considered and a decision has to be reached together.
3. No, you don’t have to say yes every time your husband approaches you for sex. That is absurd. If you said yes, even if you didn’t want to, it won’t be good for him anyway. For a guy, it’s 80% experience, and 20% feeling. Your husband wants to know that you desire him too, and there are ways to communicate this without being the submissive wife. For example, leave him a sexy post-it on the mirror, send him intimate text messages, make undressing for the night a bit of a show- take the undies of before the skirt, etc, etc. And finally, never criticize your husband’s bedrooms skills. Nothing will take the oomph out of your sex life faster than him feeling like he isn’t good. I’m not saying you should fake it (heck no), but men are much more fragile of creatures than they would like to admit.
4. Sometimes, as a wife, it can be tough to keep your mind from going down that negative route (husband never cleans up after himself, wipes up his spills, rinses out the rag, etc, etc.), but try try try as hard as you can (or pray, if you do) to keep yourself from going down this route. Keep your mind positive, and try to keep in mind times where your husband has surprised you or gone out of his way to show you he cares for you. Point those things out to him. Men desperately want to be your hero, and those affirmative statements (I really appreciate, thank you so much for, it really meant a lot to me, or even “you’re my hero”) can never be in overabundance. Your man feels like a million bucks when you say these things, and if you go out of your way to point out that he didn’t overload the washing machine/ took out the trash/ wiped down the counter, you can bet your behind he’s going to want to hear that again and he’ll do it again next time.
5. If some of the above suggestions turn you off, just remember how much it means to you when you’re hubby goes out of his way to think of you. It’s the same for them, only much more so.
I apologize for my lengthy and unsolicited comment, and I hope you’ll forgive me if I have caused any offense or hurt feelings.
From a wife who’s just doing her best.
love,
abby.
You actually just stated every misgiving I had about this post.
Addy, Thank you. Lengthy but accurate. People can disagree without being hurtful and judgemental. Every marriage is different and what may make it work is also very different but ultimately I think it needs to be a partnership in order for it to be successful for everyone involved.
Also from a wife who is doing her best and for 19 years,
Julie
I couldn’t agree more!!!
Amen to that Abby. Perfectly said.
Well said about the tone of comments Abby! When did it become okay for people to speak to each other in such disrespectful ways? So we all have different opinions. It’s the internet: if you have an opinion, you don’t have to work hard to find someone who disagrees with you. That doesn’t mean we can suddenly lose our manners and refer to someone else’s thoughts and opinions as “disgusting”. It makes me cringe just thinking about it! In the spirit of that, Abby, I will say that I agree with many of the things in your post, not all, but I respect your thoughts and the time and effort that went in to such a well-written response. : )
I think that those who disagree with this list should just try these ideas for a week and see how it goes. There’s no harm done in giving it a try – I would say that for thousands of years, these principles have worked and have made a lot of sense. Yes, things have changed in the last fifty years, but, if you sincerely take time to think about it, marriages and families have suffered in those fifty years – it’s important to get some perspective.
Very well said, Laura. Thank you.
It’s also time to be realistic. The world doesn’t work the way it did fifty years ago. Fifty years ago it was possible for a man to bring in enough money to actually support a family comfortably. I agree with you that marriages and families have also suffered in that time, I’m a teacher so I’ve seen some pretty dysfunctional families, but to me that’s an indication that family logistics need to change. It’s not fair for women to take on the traditional responsibilities, basically what is mentioned above, and work too. When financial responsibilities are split, housework and caring for children also needs to be split. That way everyone (including Mom) can enjoy time spent with the family instead of being off cleaning or doing laundry while everyone else has fun.
Here’s my reality: I have six children, my husband works one job, I am a mom at home, and we rarely worry about money in any serious way. I have a ton of fun with my kids. My husband helps with the housekeeping as he can; so do the kids. Either of us will take on almost any household task (but I suck at things like repairs, so he usually does those because he’s awesome at them). I always laugh when I hear families like ours just can’t exist any more, that it’s impossible for us to exist–because quite a few of my friends are also mothers at home to families considered large by today’s standards, and many of us are doing just fine. It is possible.
I agree Heather, lets be realistic. In my experience with family and friends that believe that everything should be split and responsibilities doled out to 50/50, they are the most unsatisfied! Because lets be honest (and realistic) nothing is EVER 50/50. One reason being because men and woman have diffierent values for the same task. What is so hard or laborsome for me to do may be easy and enjoyable for my husband.
It is so much more peaceful when that thought process is off the table. I look at what I can do in a realistic manner and do it. I don’t fret and worry over: is my husband doing as much as me, this is so unfair, etc. I used to be that way and it was soooooo stressful! I think the purpose of this blog was empowring woman to understand what IS within their control. And using your behavior to illustrate principles that we belive in.
Tammy, I know that the responsibilities in my household are not split 50/50, I didn’t say they needed to be split equally. However, the point I was making is that women do need some help. I’m okay with doing a little more than my half, I’m just not okay with running a household by myself and working both a full time job and a part time job.
I have a wonderful marriage with a man who respects me and thinks I look fantastic in my PJs. If you feel like you have to look and act perfect all the time, then you married the wrong guy.
AMEN!
This is the best response! I agree Veronica!!
Look perfect? which number was that? Act perfect? again which number?
The is “25 Ways to Communicate Respect”… so if you don’t need ideas on how to communicate respect to your husband, then you don’t need to do any of them. Actually, it doesn’t even say “All women have to do every one of these things all the time to be a good wife.” Of course, we’re not perfect, but why not aim high?
Laura that type of comment is the most dangerous kind. I’d imagine that is what the men of Saudi Arabia say whenever their women ask for equal rights. ‘oh no we can’t do that it will destroy society and the family’. It’s women that think like you that scare me the most!
This was my thoughts as well…honestly. It may seem “old fashioned” and “way back when the Bible was written”…but guess what…God’s Will doesn’t change…his principles don’t change…and they are still as prudent and applicable today as they were when then were written. Also, many are referencing the 50’s…the “June Cleaver” era…I think that’s a PERFECT example to prove the value in this post…anyone care to find some statistics on the broken home/divorce rates of that generation vs. the current? Anyone who lives these principles SEE it work, and knows in their heart it is not at all demeaning or lacking self respect but quite the opposite…it’s empowering, garners great respect from your husband, and what’s wrong with ‘going the extra mile’ to be pleasant and loving for the person you (presumably) want to spend the rest of your life with?
Do you honestly think that the divorce rate is higher today because women have not abided by the principles mentioned in this blog post? If that truely is the case, then maybe this is a necessary reform so people can actually marry for the right reasons.
These principles have worked for thousands of years because for thousands of years society has operated under patriarchal conditions. A patriarchal family system is not what God originally designed for humanity. No, I am not a feminist. I am all about gender equality–neither man nor woman above the other. I am also a seminary student and see a pleathora of female students at my school. They have a lot to bring to the conversation. Women are not in existance soley to butter up their husband’s ego.
I found the link to this post on Pinterest and thought “is this some kind of joke?”
This is like reading an article from a magazine during the “Leave it to Beaver” era. Can’t wrap my mind around #17. I would never wear anything that I wasn’t comfortable in, just to please a man! I could go on…This makes it seem as though women should be subserviant to men. And “keep the house tidy”? Rediculous. Does this wife work? What does the husband do? Bring home the bacon and not lift a finger? What a joke. The whole thing.
“I would never wear anything that I wasn’t comfortable in, just to please a man!”
so you will please your loving and faithful husband ONLY if it happens to be comfortable for you? how is that working out for you? you must be a dream to live with.
Yeah, and I’m sure that husband who wants his wife to wear uncomfortable clothing for him is a dream as well.
My husband would never want me in anything uncomfortable. If I’m not comfortable, I will be cranky. He wants me happy. Same for me — I want him comfortable. I think this comment might be taken out of context. I think the whole mindset should really be look presentable. So many women, and I am sure you’ve seen them, don’t take any pride in how they look. Take some pride in how you look. Nothing wrong with that.
I realize there isn’t a list for husbands but for every item on here, it’s the same for my husband. And, gasp, there are times when he “lets” me make the big decisions! There are also times when I’m in the mood and he isn’t but he doesn’t let that stop him!
I think it needs to be stated that these are Biblically based ways to respect your husband. Those who love outside the will of God may not understand. If you and your spouse both follow the will of God and He directs your path then things such as submitting to your husband should not be hard. Because if your husband follows the path that God has for him and you submit to him then you are following God’s will. Also of you whole heartedly trust your husband and trust that he only has your best interest at heart then you should be able to trust that his decisions are only for the good of you and your family.
Thank you, Emily. I think you touched on something very crucial.
So the only things your husband likes you to wear is uncomfortable? That’s odd. I don’t think this is meant to be 24/7, just… you know, when you want to “communicate respect to your husband”, then wear something you know he thinks you look nice in. NOT “even while you’re cleaning the bathroom, wear a cocktail dress and heels”… And I don’t think it is meant to say “wear wildly sexy outfits that your husband likes” all the time, either. Does you husband ever say, “I like that shirt” or “that color looks good on you” ? If he does… make a point to wear it once in a while. And be glad he noticed! 🙂
I would love to see a list about 25 ways husbands can communicate respect to their wives!
That would be wonderful, but as you know it isn’t our place to be respected!
Do a search…. they’re ALL over the place. But usually, if from a Biblical perspective… it’s worded “how to communicate LOVE” because that’s what the men/husbands are called to do. I’d much rather be LOVED than simply respected. 🙂 But, in case you didn’t catch my smiley there, love includes respect. Men actually have it harder. 😉
My husband recently posted just such a list on his blog. You can find it here: http://alltruthisgodstruth.wordpress.com/2012/08/14/25-ways-to-show-your-wife-you-love-her/
To anyone who doesn’t understand this list….this list was probably compiled by someone who is LDS or another very conservative religion…and one that has divorce rates much lower than the general public. You may never understand this list and you may think it is heavily slated to fifty years ago (when divorce rates were much different than they are today.) Believe it or not there are women who live by these principals. Some of us are college educated, have careers, and even work outside the home. Please understand that this list is not meant to set women back in terms of their rights but to encourage love, peace, respect (that goes both ways), and united families. The principals for men are equally ridiculous to the “real world” requiring that men support and protect their wives and children financially and emotionally and other things that are so often forgotten at this time. The teachings make no mention of child support because men are expected to provide without the dramatics or struggle of things such as court orders or child support enforcement….yes, it is a different way of thinking. But for many it a much more simple and happy way of life and others might find that applying these principals in their relationships in very small ways make a huge difference without sacrificing their individuality or their personal independence.
People often count our kids and assume we must either be LDS (Morman) or Catholic, but we’re really just passionate Baptists 🙂
Yay for passionate Baptists! Love the list, thanks!
I understand the concept. I even agree with some parts of it and try to follow those principles in my own relationship. Everything that I’ve read however, has heavily relied on what women should be doing, how women should support their husbands, but mentions nothing about how men are supposed to support their wives and children. It would be great to see someone write a modern version of these values, something that takes into account a household where both the husband and wife have to work just to make ends meet.
The requested topics you mention are outside of the scope of this article. Why would she talk about what men should be doing in an article specifically titled “25 ways to respect your husband”?
I agree with Jered. And stop being so concerned with what MEN aren’t doing or should be doing, this article was written for women regarding their husbands.
Jered and Tina, I was simply making an observation. This isn’t the first time that I’ve seen an article like this one. I was being sincere saying it would be great to see the other side because I was curious as to what it would say. When I wrote that comment, I knew that the author’s husband also had a blog. I had looked there to see if he had something similar, but at the time I looked, he didn’t. Now he does have something along that lines and I read it. Now I know. I am entitled to my opinion and do not need to be told what I should or shouldn’t be concerned with.
I’m LDS and while I understand and respect the spirit of this list (and recognize that just because Jennifer chose to put up a list for wives–being a wife, writing to women–that doesn’t mean nothing is expected of men in her world), I doubt many LDS women would post a list quite like this. We live by some of the same principles, but we frame them differently. [When a couple disagrees about a decision] they continue seeking the Lord’s guidance until they are in agreement. If a decision must be made quickly, as Jennifer mentioned above, we can fully expect the spirit to give quick guidance–and the guidance may favor either companion’s preference.
I’m sorry, but number 17 is ridiculous. Way to set women back 50 years!
#25 is ridiculous, too. Are you saying no wife should make a decision in the family?
I am not saying that a wife should never make any decisions, nor do I mean to imply that she is not fully capable of making wise ones. Most husbands — my own included — are more than happy to delegate to their wife the vast majority of moment-to-moment decisions required to keep their household, family, and schedule running smoothly. There are occasions, however, when a bigger decision needs to be made before the husband and wife are able to reach an agreement concerning it. In those cases, I believe that as the head of the household, the husband should have the deciding vote.
If you read #25, I think you would see a fundamental starting statement there: “If you want your husband to lead…” If you want someone to lead, you follow. That’s fundamental.
When I’m training my own children to lead, I’ll give them leadership and then I will follow. It can be leadership in a game, on a hike, or in a class. If they have lead, then I slip into a following position. I’ll step up only on safety issues. If I say I want them to lead, but I refuse to follow, then I’m not really helping them lead, am I?
So if you don’t want your husband to lead, that’s easy. Refuse to follow, and he won’t be leading.
Just curious, how is this setting women back 50 years?
wow. you are so freaking skewed. be your own person please. this is going to make me cry.
Saw this on pinterest…is this actually a joke? Or is this written in seriousness??
No, I haven’t. Thanks for mentioning that to me. I did not realize there was a companion book. I will get that. Thanks!
I would hope this list goes both ways. Mutual respect is key to a good marriage. Since I work full time outside the home, my husband helps me keep the house tidy to make ME happy. He doesn’t really care either way, but he knows that I am calm and happy when things are organized and clean. As far as dressing to please him, he understands why I’m sometimes still in my yoga pants and t-shirt at the end of the day. It’s because I’ve been taking care of the baby and the house the entire day and haven’t had time to worry about my own appearance. Responding physically should be a choice. Something like a hug, kiss, holding hands, or cuddling is one thing, but if there’s some reason I’m not in the mood for more, I should be entitled to say no. I’m not advocating saying no repeatedly, but if I’m tired or don’t feel well, I shouldn’t have to do something that I’m not comfortable doing simply because my husband is in the mood. A man should care for his wife enough to know when to suggest sex and when to put his wife’s needs first. My husband does care, he respects me and is conscientious of my needs. That’s why I married him.
thank you for this!
Thank you, Heather, for your comment. I agree that mutual respect is extremely important.
Im so glad you said this, I was just thinking about everything that I disagreed with about this list but I think you covered the points that I had. Its a good list to go by but definitely not a blanket statement, as pointed out in your comment.
Id also like to say that if a woman tries these things and is receiving no respect back, then she should not keep accessing her own actions, sometimes you just have to make the decision to go and find a guy worthy of this treatment.
Amen!
I agree with you. This list sounds more like something from a 1950s housewife textbook. Yes, the Bible says to honor and please your husband, but it’s not a sin if we can’t all the time. And he needs to honor and please his wife, too. We also need to remember that the Bible was written centuries ago and is very heavily “in-time” with the beliefs of their day. I think as Christian women, we can still evolve into a more mutual marriage than our predecessors have. Husbands are in delivery rooms now, staying at home so the women can work, and have a huge hand in how the house and family is maintained more than any other time before ours. Being Christians doesn’t take that evolution of the family home away. Just my two cents. Unfortunately this blog made me more upset rather than uplifting.
I feel the same way as you Erin!
Perfect response. Exactly what I was thinking about this post.
This all sounds fine and dandy, but this is not how life works. Life is messy. Love is messy. You’re not going to be 100% happy 100% of the time, and you can’t always put on the front. It’s not healthy, I’m not saying stomp your feet and plug your ears. I’m saying COMMUNICATION IS KEY. You must be able to talk to your partner no matter what it is that’s bothering you. It’s okay to get irritated.. after so many years of being with a person and they leave clothes on the bathroom floor rather than put them in the EMPTY hamper OR they filly up the soap container with water, simply because they don’t feel like getting the BIG soap container out. Say something. He might make a comment like “stop nagging” but you’ll both get over it, and he knows your right. You both work full time jobs. You do ALL the house work while he kicks his feet up. Then expects you to have sex? It’s not always going to work like that. I’m also not saying it’s okay to say no often, in fact we have a rule that we don’t go more than one day in a row without it so we don’t get in that ‘no sex funk.’
My point is.. you don’t have to obey. you don’t have to worship his every word. you’re NOT going to like him ALL of the time. You’re going to argue, you’re not always going to be happy. The house isn’t always going to be spotless. Dinner won’t always be ready as soon as he walks in. If he married you, it was obviously for LOVE. DON’T FORGET THAT. He will love you regardless of what you’re wearing, what mood you’re in. He’ll love you’re flaws. He’ll understand that it isn’t always going to be easy. He didn’t marry you to have a maid. If he did, I’m utterly sorry for the sour turn your life has taken.
absoltely! I totally agree with u Nichole!
Yes, yes, and YES!!! Perfectly said, Nichole. 🙂 And Eryn, for that matter.
So happy to read this comment…it is exactly what I was thinking. Although, the acts of respect is great advice for marriages/relationships….it didn’t include respecting oneself as well and giving ourselves the right to expect the same from our spouse. A marriage is a contract between two individuals who love one another and want to work together to find that fine balance of give and take so both individuals are happy in the marriage and both feel they are respected. BTW 19 year veteran wife.
To all the critical comments: Her article was clearly titled “25 ways to communicate respect to your husband.” Because of the topical limitations implied by the title, in no way was the author obligated to include comments regarding feminine self-respect, a husbands duty to his wife, or anything outside of the stated topic. The scope of this article is clear and simple. You are creating straw men to tear down. This is common in marriage related books and blogs. If I say “men should love their wives”, then, comparably to what has happened here, inevitably someone will comment “well, women should love their husbands too!!” This kind of statement is not only painfully obvious and predictable, but It veers the commenting off topic and is not helpful to the community.
I agree, I have 2 babies (11 months & a 1 month old) and I still find time to dress nicely and put makeup on everyday and keep my house spotless. It’s hard but with a schedule it’s possible. I agree, respect goes both ways but if you each put your spouse’s needs before your own you’ll always be happy. 🙂
Love it Pamela. This is right on, it’s like a flow chart… if both sides are working to please the other side, then both sides are also being pleased by default.
I feel really bad for these women who don’t know Christ. And to those who claim the bible is “outdated” … The bible has always been the same. God is, and was, and will be. He is unchanging and always faithful. WE are the ones who have changed.
And her list is a guideline based on biblical passages and views. IF your household ends up having a working wife with a “stay-at-home” husband or circumstance dictates that roles are slightly rearranged, then adjust accordingly. However, small things such as “HE does the laundry cuz I work!” etc doesn’t change any of her points… just how it specifically pertains to you.
I hear you, Heather. I work full time outside the home, as well, and my husband does the laundry. That’s his job. I clean the bathrooms. That’s my job. We also take turns cooking–although I tend to cook much more than he does–and whomever doesn’t cook does the dishes. It’s just an unwritten rule in our house, and it not only keeps us all sane, but makes us thankful for each other. We also take turns mowing the lawn. Things are just different in a household where both spouses work. If I had to work all day and then slave over the house and kids until I went to bed while he played Xbox and watched football, I’d be cranky and resentful and would never want to have sex–or sleep through it–and that wouldn’t make the hubs very happy at all! LOL
Amen! I feel like parts of this list are from 60 years ago. If I followed this list perfectly I’d be a mute sex machine or a step ford wife. No thanks.
As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, take the list as 25 ideas. Take your pick from them. If you find ten that will help you have a happier life and a better marriage, then take it as a list of 10 ideas and simply dismiss the rest.
The goal is better. Just as if we published the husband’s counterpart to the list and some men complained about it, I’d tell them the same thing. Of the 25 ideas, do you see ANYTHING that 1. Would please your wife, and 2. That you are willing to do at least every once in a while.
Good. Use those.
We always say, “Eat the meat, spit out the bones.” By the way, my husband published the companion list on his blog earlier today: 25 Ways to Show Your Wife You Love Her. I’d love to hear your thoughts about it, Scot.
I couldn’t have put it better Heather! I don’t agree with the list the way that it stands because some things, flat out, are disrespectful and demeaning–like having sex when you don’t want to or dressing to please. If your husband truly loves you, he will find you super attractive in your yoga pants and t-shirt because he’s in love with you–not with your clothes. A woman should dress with what makes her feel comfortable and attractive because your husband will notice your self confidence and find that attractive. Should you dress in super revealing clothes and not respect that you are married to him? No, but beyond that you shouldn’t base what you wear off of him. What you said really puts it the way it should be–mutal! A marriage is a partnership. My husband and I are the same way–we both work hard and we both do our best to help out with household duties because we love each other. It should not be something that a woman is required to do to make her man happy. I agree with you–I have married a man that fully understands this as well and that’s exactly why I married him.
Kelly,
I don’t think the author is implying that wives should base what we wear on our husbands opinion without considering our own comfort. There is no suggestion that we clean house in high heels and a poofy dress like the 1950s would prefer. There is some value, however, in occasionally dressing up for him. Not because we are people pleasers or doormats, but because we get delight from knowing that our husbands are proud of us. My husband always notices when I look nice, do makeup, and put on jewelry, and he never hesitates to tell me how beautiful I look. BUT, he also sees me first thing in the morning in my t-shirt and shorts, with my hair all messed up and makeup either washed off or smudged, and he tells me I am the most beautiful woman in the world. I know that I feel better when cleaned up nicely, and since it makes him happy too, why not do something nice for him and wear something pretty every once in a while? It’s not demeaning; it’s respect. I think doing this every day, particularly for moms of babies and toddlers, would be difficult, and the author is not implying that you should burp your baby in your Sunday best. I think the point is to recognize the things that make your husband happy and to do them when you can.
As for the sex when you don’t feel like it, he and I have had many many chats about this. What it boils down to is whether or not I’m willing to put aside my own selfish heart and do something for him. It’s the same mentality as you doing a particular chore that you hate simply because you love your husband and it would please him. You say, “I love my husband and therefore I’m going to do something for him regardless of how I feel about it.” That’s not demeaning or subservient. Looking for ways to show your husband you love him, particularly if it’s something that makes him feel loved, is not at all a bad thing. If you know that he loves to be intimate with you, do it! No, you don’t have to do it all the time, every single time he asks (because sometimes he asks too much!), but if you make a habit of it, I think everyone will be happier for it.
OK ladies, I think people are taking the “dress to please him” suggestion (I’ll say that again: suggestion) a bit too literally. My guy tells me I’m beautiful all the time, whether I just woke up with messy hair and morning breath, or whether we’re going out and I’m all dressed up. But, I have some clothes (nice dresses, skirts, etc) that he just LOVES on me, and he tells me so. I also have a pair of yoga pants that he thinks look great too. He compliments me so much in them that I’m thinking about buying another pair! Does this mean I’m mindless and subservient and only live to please my man? Not at all. I love the way he looks at me and responds to me when I’m wearing something he likes. Don’t all women feel that way? Don’t we all want our husbands to look at us and think “Man, she looks good! I’m so lucky to be with her!” Now, I understand that looking our best is not always at the top of every busy girl’s to-do list, but I refuse to believe that most women dress only for themselves ALL THE TIME without giving a thought to what their man will think. If you’re going out on a date night with your husband and you have a rockin’ dress that you look and feel great in and you know he loves to see you in, what woman would not wear that? This is a form of “dressing to please him” (and indirectly also pleasing yourself). So we don’t take our husbands shopping and have them choose our clothes for us every morning, which we wear without opinion or complaint (this is NOT what Jennifer is suggesting, by the way), but there’s nothing wrong with trying to look good for your man.
I do agree with what Heather has to say. There were things on that list that I dont agree with but the rest was extremely helpful. Im actually a stay at home mom because I choose to be. My husband doesnt expect these things out of me but I do a lot of them because it is my choice and I like to see my spouse happy. If Im not feeling up to having sex then hes fine with that and the same goes for him. He knows Im very busy around the house taking care of a child so he doesnt expect me to be dressed up for him everyday but somedays I do. My husband works very hard so I try to pick up as much slack as I possibly can but sometimes I cant do everything and my husband understands. I also believe that this list actually depends on how your husbands reacts to some of these things. If your in a marriage where you dont do a lot of these things for your husband and he doesnt react kindly to that then I think you may have a problem.
This list is disgusting. How ANY woman could be O.K. with this type of tyranny is amazing to me. I am a Christian, and disagree with much of this list. The man in the marriage is not a king to be waited on by a stay-at-home servant. For the women who are praising this blog because they are “selfless” when it comes to sex, adore their husbands at all hours, and etc, etc,. You deserve better.
What could be better than a great marriage and a home full of love? What you aren’t getting is that this is not required by our husbands. In fact, I’m not necessarily sure my husband even knows that this is a conscious endeavor. He appreciates everything I do, he listens to me, takes my wants and needs seriously. He defers to me on quite a few decisions because he realizes he tends to make rash decision.
Listen, I was single for 47 years. I have been in relationships where I was taken for granted and emotionally abused. I left. If I thought for one minute that my husband took me for granted, tried to repress me, or control me, I’d be gone. He just isn’t that way. He appreciates everything about me, he respects me more than anyone else, and he loves me with his whole heart.
This myth that we who follow this are subservient and controlled is laughable. I couldn’t have been single for 47 years without having a backbone.
My husband and I need different things in our marriage. I need to feel wanted and loved. He needs to be admired and respected. We give each other these things, lovingly.
It’s awfully funny to read things that people are saying. In real life, we are told by friends and strangers alike that we are one of the best couples they’ve ever seen.
We have to remember, though, too, that we can only control our own actions. We’re only responsible for OURSELVES doing right. It can’t depend on the other person doing right, because they might not choose to do so. This is a lesson that is so hard to learn and accept.
Of course, we have the right to say no, and sometimes that is completely acceptable. Of course, we have the right to wear what we want to, and a loving husband will totally accept that. But this is what WE can do to show that we love/respect our husbands. It’s not written for men… it’s written for women. I know there are posts out there written to men. And men probably have the same visceral reaction that we do (or maybe not :D). “But SHE should…”
My children are all at ages where everything depends on what the other one does. It’s like they can’t possibly do the right thing (not yell back, hit, fight, argue, etc.) because the OTHER child did… something else, first. They just can’t understand that they can’t control the other children and make them do the right thing. It’s up to EACH one to decide NOT to fight back, continue the argument, etc., because they’re only in control of THEMSELVES, not each other.
In a perfect world, both spouses would only consider the other’s needs, but since we don’t live in a perfect world, we have to be the ones to do the right thing whenever we can. And when we can’t, we’re thankful for loving, understanding spouses! 🙂
Incidentally, if you want to see someone continuing to do the right thing in spite of getting NOTHING back out of it, watch the movie, “Fireproof”.
My wife always felt that she should not have to have sex unless she was in the mood…trouble was that was only 3 or 4 times a year. My divorce was final yesterday….
What perfect timing! Thanks so much Jennifer. I thank God for you and your wisdom.
Thanks, Lisa. By the way, I ordered that Gary Smalley book you recommended, IF ONLY HE KNEW. I’m only a couple of chapters into it yet, but have enjoyed the part I’ve read very much. I got the companion book for wives, as well. Have you read that one?
P.S. Have added this link to my Inspiring Posts page (hope this is okay)?
Most definitely okay. I appreciate it, Wendy.
Popped over from Jacqueline’s Deep Roots at Home to say “Hello” and what a wonderful post!
This was a good list. I should print it out so I can refer to it from time to time.
~ Visiting from EOA Wednesday link-up ~
I like that idea, Mara. In fact, if you’ll follow this link, you’ll find a printer-friendly version of the full article, as well as a printable one-page summary: http://www.flandersfamily.info/web/marriage/25-ways-to-show-respect/
Great advice, Jennifer! Always love reading anything you have to say!
Blessings,
Susan
Thank you for your post! As a relatively new wife coming from a broken home, I’ve been struggling with how to be respectful. This gave me very concrete suggestions I can implement this very evening 🙂
LMC
Hello! May I repost this to my blog… Giving credit to you?!
Oh, yes, Brytni, please do! Just be so kind as to link back to my site if you will.
Thank you EVER SO MUCH!!! To see my post go too:
http://sojourninghereinfear.blogspot.com
Thank you! 🙂
this list makes my stomach turn. I believe marriage is an equal partnership and should be treated as such. Don’t make your husband ask you twice? That’s like saying don’t ever make mistakes. I don’t know what expectations your husband has of you but this list is degrading. I think we need to treat both spouses with respect and love, but that doesn’t mean bending to the will of everything the other says, wife or husband. I will be pinning this on pinterest as what NOT to do.
Such wise counsel…….thank you!
I am also enjoying your book, too! 🙂
You’re so welcome, Leslie. And I’m very glad to hear it!
I was disappointed to read the negative comments below: they are Satanic emissaries trying to destroy families.
I have recently learned personally that marriage has nothing to do with the other person, it has everything to do with our vows to be the best spouse we can possibly be. You will either do what you do out of integrity and principle, or you will do it only in hopes of reciprocation. Do right always, not when you stand to benefit only.
I’m a man and have recommitted myself to treating my wife like there is no better, and I no longer care if I benefit. My hunch is that I will, but that is not why I’ll do it. I’m to love my wife, not when she respects me: ESPECIALLY when she DISrespects me. You can only destroy darkness with light.
Those are tough demands, and I don’t think we can do it outside of power from the Holy Ghost, so pray, pray, pray for strength.
I have one to add: #26: Respect his money. Live within your means and what your husband provides. Do not overspend or run up credit cards to have an “in style” handbag or the latest shoes.
Jennifer, I love your post. I am so sad to read all of the negative feedback. My husband and I have been together for the better part of a decade and we are at our best when we are both living up to our roles in our marriage and following the right counsel. God’s word is meant to be uplifting and encouraging, not hateful and negative as others have suggested below.
For the women below, please see the message as it is meant to be, not just how you would like to interpret it. Both partners have a role in a successful marriage and having a successful marriage is always a work in progress. As a woman in her late twenties I am so saddened that so many people feel anger toward a positive life and marriage. Nothing worth having is free, including an amazing relationship with your significant other. Marriage takes work and includes thinking about someone else’s needs above our own. I appreciate and love my husband and he loves me. Not once has my husband abused me or put me down because I follow his lead, or make him his favorite meal. We are equals in our marriage, but we both have different roles in the success of that marriage. I feel best when he shows me he loves me so why would I not reciprocate loving him in his language – respect.
hi! i’m new here, found you on pinterist (love that place) and the 25 way’s to show love and respect to him is WONDERFUL! i think as wives we already know all that stuff in our heart but to hear it or read it is something so good! reminder’s are so wonderful. i also went to your husband’s place, ALSO AWESOME! i wish i could read your’s everyday! i realy want to make my marriage work, this isn’t my 1st and somehow, I”M JUST GOING TO SAY IT! this one is different and maybe i need to remember some of those “25” thought’s! P.S. i’m not even christian, but sure have been stumbling across alot of thing’s refering to having faith in the lord! so here i am .
I agree! I practice this in our home already, but its encouraging to read this still. Way to have the courage to say/write it in todays society where much of this is looked down on and even frowned upon and so far from what is practiced!
This blog is one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever read. A marriage should be a 50/50 partnership. It should not be a relationship where one dominates another. The way you are speaking about your relationship is abhorrent.
It is crap like this that keeps women down and seen as second class citizens, and it is what encourages violence against women. Just because a book tells you it’s okay to treat women a certain way doesn’t make it okay or moral. A marriage is an EQUAL partnership. As in 50/50. There are no “leaders”. No one has to defer to anyone’s wishes. It’s called compromise. I wouldn’t have such a problem with some of this list if it were presented as suggestions for BOTH parties in a marriage, but even then I have serious issues with some. Dress to please him?!? Really? Don’t make excuses when he’s in the mood?!? If a woman doesn’t feel like having sex, she should never be coerced into doing so, even if she is married. A woman has a right to how she feels and what she does with her body, and that includes having or not having sex with her husband. This is the most sexist and demeaning thing I’ve read in a long, long time. If you want to play the role of meek, insignificant, powerless woman, fine. But for god’s sake don’t encourage others to do the same. Why not empower the women around you to think for themselves and affect change in a positive way?
THANK GOD. I was thinking the same things as I was reading this… I am absolutely disgusted and infuriated that some women actually take this seriously.
Daisy I agree whole heartily …this list disturbs me…a lot. Lets all take women back to the dark ages where we are simply sex objects, maids and babysitters. Marriage is supposed to be = men do not walk on water and women deserve the same amount of respect that men do.
Daisy:
I understand from your comments that you don’t approach life from a Biblical perspective, so putting someone else’s needs before your own without the expectation of reciprocity sounds deameaning and abusive to you. Your assumption that submission to one’s husband leads to abuse and makes the woman powerless is faulty. Do people abuse others? Yes. Do some who claim the name of God hurt others? Yes. That doesn’t negate the true meaning of God’s plan. People have been ignoring God’s commands since the beginning.
In God’s plan we are all subject to one another. Men are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her. Scripture also tells us that we (Christians) are one body and we would never hurt our own body. Likewise, hurting someone else is like hurting your own body. (Read all of Ephesians 5) You take a small piece of our faith out of its full context and pervert it to be demeaning and harmful. I know where you are coming from because I once thought much the same way you do now. If you take the time to truly understand God’s plan, you would realize that the true plan for our roles as husbands and wives is one of love, respect, submission and service; BOTH spouses in their own way. I hope you take the time to gain a better understanding.
I cannot feel more empowered than when I sacrifice my own comfort and desires for the comfort and desires of someone I love. Neither my husband nor myself believe I am a second class citizen. He doesn’t demand these things from me or even ask for them. If he wanted to be intimate and I was not “in the mood” I would try to change MY mood. Not because he asked or was forceful but because that is MY choice. Any person, whether male or female, is never more in control than when you control your own attitude, thoughts, behaviors, etc.
I do agree that you need to feel safe in order to exhibit this selfless love. That is why it is so important to be diligent when choosing your spouse/life partner. If you marry someone solely because you have mutual love for each other, when that love fades so will the marriage. If you marry someone because you have mutual love for eachother in addition to the same beliefs about what you expect from a marriage commitment, you will BOTH constantly strive to maintain that commitment.
Also, If you like drama and discord, it may not be important for you to be “happily” married. Many people are content in an unhappy marriage. For me personally, I want to be “happily” married for the rest of my life and so does my husband. We work everyday towards that goal.
This stuff is INSANE!!
These ladies can do what they want but I will NOT bow down to any man who refuses to treat me as an equal and I will smack THEIR men down as well if they DARE expect anyting like this from me!
This BS is why so many women opt out of marriage!!!
As a marriage counselor, I disagree. However, if you were in my office, I would be very disturbed by the tone of your reply. This advice is directed at wives, so of course it gives wives suggestions. Just as a list directed toward husbands would be giving husbands suggestions. I do not recall anyone saying these things are mandatory. They are suggestions. You have a list of 25 ideas. If you object to four of them, then consider them a list of 21 suggestions. Since you are particularly against dressing in a way that your husband might like or having sex with a husband unless you, yourself, are already in the mood, then drop those from the list.
As a man reading the list, I do not merely look at it as ideas for my wife, I also look for the reciprocal. After all, it is not my job to tell my wife what to do, but, rather, my job to be a good husband. I think husbands should also choose joy, also honor (meaning to give great weight to) his wife’s wishes. Many men are not often in the mood for dates or nights out, but I think they should do that to invest in the relationship.
Are many of these playing to stereotypes? Perhaps. More they are playing to statistical truisms and one traditional form of mutual marriage. It works intimately and lovingly for a huge number of people. There is no need to put it up on a post and shoot at it. After all, I trust you’re not against women being happy in their marriages, and if some or most or even all of the lists helps them do that, why attack? Just take the parts that will serve you, and move forward with them. Anything that will help you make your marriage and life better is good.
yes! totally agree! the “dress to please him” is especially horrible.
Daisy I agree, ” don’t make him ask twice???””Dress to please him”???? Where is the woman in all of his. So demeaning to females. This is not God, it’s insanity.
The New Testament puts things in to perspective with having 2 rules to live by: Love the Lord and Love your neighbor as yourself. I think that all of those suggestions are great for both the husband and the wife. A marriage is a partnership–it isn’t a dominance of one towards the other. My husband and I respect each other and do our best to not interrupt and truly act out of kindness and thoughfulness for each other. We both work full time jobs so be both do things to make our home clean. I do a lot of the extra things on the list because I love him and want to do nice things for him–just like he loves me and does nice things for me. God did not make the man more important than the woman that she has to be insignificant and only do what her husband tells her to do and wait for his instructions.
I completely agree with all that you have said Daisy. I spotted this blog on Pintrest and was disgusted when i read it. I’m glad not all women believe this is how they should act in marriage in order to have a happy one. In my opinion, the advice given is strictly to please the man, not both parties. Therefore I feel that happiness in marriage, while living according to these rules, must be near to impossible.
Thank you!
No ma’am you are wrong. Everything she said was first said by our creator, the one who made us, God. He knows what is best for us and he made men and women different to fullfil different purposes. He does not say that women are inferior to a man he just made us different, to need to be lead. He also tells a man to love their wive, to be willing to die for her. No where in the bible does God ever tell men that can control a women. If an man loves his wife even when she doesn’t deserve it and a woman show her husband respect even when he doesn’t derserve it then they will be blessed. Daisy, if you are not a Christian all this will make no sense to you and you cannot understand how empowering this can be!
Uhm this is the most poignant and amazing response. THANK YOU!
Thank you Daisy! There is no more needed to say about this!
No, women were not meant to be lead by men. Like I said, the Old Testament was written by men who lived in a sexist time period. Jesus showed us how to live by simplifying everything (like I already stated) to two rules: Love the Lord and your neighbor as yourself. That’s it. The Old Testament rules were no longer relevant at that point because they were flawed. If you love your husband, you will do everything you can to make that relationship important and do your best to show love and respect him. We have a partnership. We reach decisions together–not him telling me what to do or deciding for the entire family. He respects my opinion and respects women in general more than that. To live like the Old Testament and pick and choose what you want to do from the Old Testament doesn’t make sense. Live by what Jesus taught us–otherwise every man would have a beard and no one would be eating pork! This list is sexist. And someone telling me to know my place–as a Christian woman is ridiculous. I do know my place–by my husbands side–not behind him–walking hand in hand, making decisions together, loving each other, and both of us working full time to support each other.
I couldn’t agree more! This list is disgusting! You should be embarrassed for posting this!!
Actually marriage is 150/150. I find in our marriage of 37 years to a paraplegic that when I let the Lord have His way then all things fall in place. This again is accordance to the word of God. That is my strength for everyday.
I totally agree. I felt as if I reading something from my great great grandmother’s time. This is so belittling to women. It’s as if you are saying we have to be submissive and put our wants and needs aside instead coming together and being a unit. Seriously is you live like this I feel sorry for you.
Thank you. I was incredibly frustrated as I read this, and I could not have said it better myself.
agreed
Why is it such a bad thing to look for ways to tell my husband I love him? He is a great guy; he is my best friend. When I read something like this, it is my way of telling Andrew, “I want to look for ways to make you happy.” Not because I am a mindless jellyfish, but because I like to see my best friend happy. By the way, he does the same for me. It does not come naturally to him to compliment people verbally, yet he always makes sure to tell I look nice. It is just the mark of a good relationship to look for ways to please your partner, whether husband, wife, or even between friends.
I absolutely agree Daisy, it might as well say, put an a servants outfit and call your husband master. this is ridiculous, I don’t need to little my self to make my husband feel respected, he treats me the SAME way I treat him, and we both respect and love each other equally, and our marriage is great.
Are you married? Because then you would know marriage isn’t no 50/50 it’s 100% both ways. If you are.. great! Good luck with that.
Maybe you should learn to be a woman who can keep comments to herself… especially when she only looks like a fool! Nothing you said above could ever help any woman desiring a SUCCESSFUL marriage.
Awww…. that’s so sad. If you love someone, you’ll look for ways to please them. It’s not holding women back to suggest ways to please the one they love and have committed to spend the rest of their lives with. 🙂
I love the list. This originates from inside ME… has nothing to do with HIM, in the sense that there’s no “coercing” when I am the one who decides to have sex with my husband when I might not really be in the mood. It’s about serving HIM, HIS needs, and it only originates in MY choice. Of course I have the RIGHT to say “no, not in the mood tonight” or whatever, and sometimes I do. I really AM tired, feeling poorly, whatever, and HE respects me. But just not being in the mood? Well, sometimes I’m not in the mood to make dinner, but I do it for my family because they need it, and – actually – so do I… I just might not have realized it! 😉 Same with sex. Enough said on that.
Completely agree. This is extremely demeaning.
i think you need to read your bible more. the husbands are the head of the house. Your Husband needs to feel like it too. try it once
Amen I have been happily married for 30 years I have great respect for him as he does me. God did not put me on this earth the please my husbands every need . He says to be his helpmate which I am in every sense of the word. We work side by side with mutual respect. This list blows me away. Marriage is a three way partnership You, Your spouse and God.
Daisy,
All I can say is I’m glad I’m not married to you.
I can’t imagine that someone would consider a marriage 50/50 and yet think that we should only do things for the other when we “feel” like it. Sad.
Sex is important to a man. It’s actually one of the reasons he gets married. Not that he can’t get sex outside of marriage but sex within marriage gives him a closer connection then anything he ever experiences outside of marriage.
When you don’t have sex with your husband because YOU don’t feel like it, you crush his ego. And though he might try again later. The attempts get fewer and fewer as this happens more and more. He becomes unresponsive to you and you start to wonder why he doesn’t seem to like you anymore. He no longer takes the trash out without asking. Or he leaves his clothes lying around. Why even try to fix things when you don’t seem to care about him anymore?
You see, sex to him, is a way of knowing that you still love and care for him. Words don’t always work with men.
How about I suggest something to you. Why not sit there at your computer as you read this and start making a list of things that you do all week long that you don’t like to do. Then, make a list of things that you do all week long even though you have a headache. And then another list of things that you do even though you don’t “feel” like it. Now, take each of those lists and look at them. Is sex on any of them? If not, you should be asking yourself, why is it you will do all of these other things when you have a headache, are tired, or don’t feel like it but you won’t help out your husband?
Perhaps you are too busy empowering yourself to worry about your husband and what it is wanting. Perhaps, instead of encouraging your husband to help around the house you are having to pick up the slack.
You know, it saddens me. Because if you took your husband by the hand and told him that you would knock his socks off tonight if he cleaned the garage today, perhaps you won’t be so tired. Maybe you wouldn’t have that headache. Or, maybe you would be real happy that he was helping you get done the things that you are wanting that all of a sudden you did “feel” like having sex.
But all these words will go in one ear and out the other for you because you have made up your mind that having sex with your husband is demeaning or taking power from you or whatever other adjectives you want to use.
Have fun in your marriage because with your attitude, I’m sure it won’t last long. And if it does, then I bet you aren’t going to be happy in it.
Sometime as little as showing affection to your husband could make a world of difference in your life. But because you have a messed up idea about sex it stifles you.
I’m sad for you. And I’m even more sad for your husband.
Thank you for putting in words what went through my mind during reading this article, Daisy!
This list is specifically for women, it’s not for BOTH parties. However, a list for men would read similarly; it is outside the scope of this list. Further, this list does not excluded men from treating his partner with equal respect. But, if I am looking for advice on how to be a better wife, why would I want to read an article directed at men to be a better husband? That’s silly.
Secondly, it didn’t say “Allow your husband sex anytime he wants, when ever, however.” It said “Don’t slap him away when he tries to hug you or make excuses when he’s in the mood.” The meaning is clearly to respect his sexual wishes. Are you married?? Have you ever had sex with the same person for more than a couple of months?? Because in all seriousness, many, MANY times I am not in the mood immediately, but if I allow my husband to “romance” me (as the point was making!!) I get in the mood. That’s the point! Allow your husband to seduce you. There is nothing meek in sacrificing for your spouse. Wouldn’t you want your spouse to do the same for you?
You are reading FAR too much into this article. This is about how to respect your husband, not submit to him. You are simply exaggerating and then using the flawed logic of hyperbole.
yes yes yes just thought i had hopped into a time warp, phew thank god i just saw your comments, so well said and so true, welcome to the 2000s people, yep equal !!!!!! scary stuff that people even still buy into this archaic crap
I agree with everything you said, I read this post with my mouth hanging open in horror. I’m married, I adore my husband, and we have an EQUAL relationship – speak our minds, share our interests and have our own, make decisions together, respect each other’s taste (in terms of clothing, opinions, cooking, everything!), share duties around the home etc. I was truly horrified to think people still thought like this in 2012… awful!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oops – I should have addressed my post to Daisy. I would like to add – I like sex and love sharing this with my husband, but if for some reason I’m not ‘in the mood’ or am sick, my husband understands (just like I understand if he’s sick!). This is not one of my wifely duties! It is a joy to share, when and if I wish, and when and if my husband wishes. This blog is seriously scary and depressing….
I could not have said it better myself. Thanks.
I totally agree with you. This is crap. Where’s the 25 Way to Communicate Respect to your wife?!
Daisy, If you only knew. This is how we treat one another. The husband lays down his life for his wife. It is so awesome to be in a relationship were each of us is more concerned about the others well being then our own. This does not advocate being deminished but rather finding what it is to love someone so completly that you are willing to sacrifice your own selfishness.
We’ve been married over 30 years and at first I was soooooooooooo selfish, self-centered, self concerned, etc. but because I married a Man of God that treated me as a Princess and his eyes would constantly look at me with so much love. He cherished me. I found out very quickly that when you are able to love someone without demanding that your own needs come first and foremost LOVE becomes more than you can imagine.I really wish I could meet you face to face Daisy and I wish we could have you over to our home. It is an AWESOME way to live. I can’t believe the stupid devil has so twisted this in womens minds to think it is bad to respect and love their husbands. God made us different for sure. Women need to feel loved and cherished, men need to feel respected and honored. There is nothing wrong with a mans needs just as there is nothing wrong with a woman’s needs.We were created for each other to meet those needs.
Daisy:
I am not a Christian nor religious. I am a liberal, vegan, successful business women and single mother, who believes that men and women are equal in value and capability.
But, I agree with most of what Jennifer put on this list and completely respect that it works in her marriage.
Advice, like absolutely everything else in life, is like a buffet. There are tons of options at the table and everyone gets to pick and choose how they see fit and everyone walks out satisfied, if they choose to fill themselves up with things that work for them. The only way to walk out hungry is if you choose to spend their time criticizing other people’s plates! I don’t eat cheese, in fact I think it’s disgusting, it gives me gas, and it increases your risks for obesity and heart disease, ect. But, when I go to Fresh Choice, if I happen to glance over at the table next to me and someone is happily eating pizza and a salad topped with blue cheese, I don’t tell them that I think THEY are disgusting, nor do I think they are, at all. It probably doesn’t give them gas, or they wouldn’t be eating it. And, they may be completely healthy, despite the fact that they engage in something that I deem unhealthy. And furthermore, if I were to get up, call their food crap, and proceed to tell them about the mucus and antibiotics that they were consuming and the possible outcomes of it, they may loose their appetite temporarily, but would they stop eating cheese? Probably not. Would they think I am a jerk? Most likely.
Is Jennifer disrupting anyone’s life? Absolutely not. She is writing from a blog called Loving Life at Home for goodness sake. In the age of Pinterist, a larger, more general audience is directed to blogs that are meant for a specific audience. This, obviously wasn’t meant for you.
Thank you for this beautifully articulated response, Chantel. I’ve been mystified by how many of my readers who purportedly believe in a woman’ right to her own opinion have been adamantly opposed to my expressing mine.
AGREED!! This article is ridiculous. Maybe some women are fine with putting themselves last to make sure their husband is happy but some of us have standards. I would never marry a man who needed me to act like a little slave to make him happy. Any man who wants a woman like this is controlling and wants an ego boost.
Daisy, taken out of context God’s advice for us is often twisted and misunderstood. I think that much of the problem is that women are not understanding what it means for a husband to lead his wife. I too had a similar reaction to yours before I understood God’s true intention for marriage. You see, if a man is following Christ’s example in loving and leading his wife as Christ loved and lead his bride (the church), then he is willing to sacrifice anything and everything for her; he protects and looks out for her with everything he has, and he certainly does consider her feelings and needs in every action towards her and every decision that he makes. His is not ordering her around or treating her like a slave at all, and I feel that this is the demeaning conception that many women are getting by taking this out of context. If a woman is responding to her husband in the way that the church is meant to respond to Christ, then she trusts him and follows what he says because she knows that everything he does is for her own good and that he would never lead her astray. This list is directed toward women and gives them advice on how to make their husband happy; however, if it were a list for how a husband should act towards his wife then it would be very similar. The idea is that when you are married you are to put your spouse’s needs before your own. It is not saying that women are inferior to men, it is merely saying that we should put our husbands’ needs above our own as they should do the same for us. This list just happens to be directed towards women and Jennifer has provided another list that is directed towards men. I don’t see any problem with wanting to please your man, emotionally as well as physically. That doesn’t mean that you have to have sex with him when you are tired or sick or whatever, but if that is something he wants then you should be considerate of that while at the same time he is considerate of your needs. I think it is a given that we should all be respectful and love one another and being respectful to your spouse is certainly no exception. Being lead by someone does not mean you are inferior. If he is a good Christ-like leader then he will take deep consideration for your concerns and needs/wants. I find deep comfort in knowing that there is someone who looks out for me and who guides me through life’s rough patches. There will be times when your husband might lead you the wrong way and there will be times when he may also need guidance and leadership from his wife. Every marriage has flaws and it will not always be the way God intended it because each of us is flawed. The bottom line is we are to sacrifice everything for one another and love each other unconditionally. A partnership typically works best when each person takes on a specific role. Having two different roles does not at all mean you are unequal. If you are completely independent and are both bringing the same thing to the table instead of relying on one another to better each other then you may as well not be married.
Oh, and on a side note, don’t you feel good when you are wearing something you know your husband likes? Dressing to please your husband is not demeaning it all… it is a suggestion to keep the fire burning in your relationship and not only will your husband like it but it will boost your confidence when he tells you how beautiful you look. It is a simple suggestion and is not meant to be read into so deeply; no need to be disturbed by it 🙂
I am thoroughly appalled and disgusted at the items on this list. Especially when the “comparable” men’s list has suggestions like, “put the toilet seat down,” and “tidy up after yourself.” Oh, and I loved how he suggested that instead of respecting his wife’s decision not to engage in physical intimacy, he instead suggests ways to put her in the mood and coerce her into having sex. Give me a break! This is putting us back in the dark ages! You can still be a strong wife and mother without bowing down to the demands of your husband.
Agreed, Daisy. I’d rather be my husband’s partner than his “helpmeet.” Gross.
I just want to say some things to Daisy and others. I truly understand your perspective. People do have the right to their opinions. So what you are saying should not scare anyone. People should understand that we face different situations, where this blog post is not la-la land, but a biblical and its a reality of marriage. People should also understand that marriage by which God put together and in his design is a testimony for His Kingdom. So, yes we have right to feel negative and positive things and say it out loud, rather than keeping it in. At least we all know, who is out there feeling similar things. Personally, when I read this I was scared and a bit angry too.
A friend posted this, I was like “what?, seriously she’s gonna do all this?!” I am very independent woman. All my life I had to learn things to do my own. My father is good man, but i know he has a hard time understand why woman feels this and that, complains. So basically the only person that truly understood was Jesus and my mom. I have been treated wrongly by many guys, who humiliated and pushed me around since I was little girl to college. So this was not easy for me to agree with. However, put men aside, I was healed by Jesus. Over the years, the wounds that I had and lingered myself in with low self-esteem and depression, Jesus healed them all.
In each wounds, God showed me compassion, patience, self-control, and love. What I have learned over the years is that each person, no matter what they have done to you, no matter what other people may say about have suffered just like you, maybe not the same way.
I have faith that when it is time, God will put a person in my life, I will learn to love this person and this person will love me, just like the way Jesus loves me. I want this person, just like me to portray who Christ is. In marriage, we must portray who Christ is, it is a testimony. Marriage represents Christ and His Bride. I want to emphasize the importance that Jesus should be the center of marriage. When that is, it is a blessing to find somebody worth doing these things for. It just one person for you, Christ has given.
These men, who truly love God will live faithfully and be a life-changers to many. Those who live faithfully with have compassion, love, self-control. However, just like any human-being, we make mistakes, I have made plenty. Many I am not proud of. But Jesus still loved me. In the bible it says, “being confident in this, He who began good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Lord Jesus Christ.” you can depend on this with your relationship with Jesus. You are not perfect either, you still have work to do in your life. Just like I do. So neither is husband. But God is there always in control, DURING the good times and the bad times. I watched my parents for a long time, They have been married for 23 years. I have seen bits and pieces of the worst time and best times.
As a woman, we must be humble, also strong. I mean we are weak physically (I hate to admit it), but we strong mentally. Men are strong physically. It compliments. In his weakness, you be his strength. In your weakness, he will be your strength. Anyways I just want to say I truly understand your perspective, I really really do. It was not easy for me to agree with, and it still isn’t. I have met so many women who are in abusive relationships that do these exact things posted on this blog. It hurts me, so much. However, do not get angry, but the different between that relationship and this relationship is that it not Christ-based marriage. However, just like my parents who are in a Christ-based marriage. It was not bad, but my mother prayed for my Dad, for so long, years. She went through so much for along time. My mother took care of EVERYTHING in the house, while watching my brother and me and going to work. My dad did not help at all. He came from work and slept on the couch then went back to work. At the same time, not a lot of family relatives weren’t impressed by her, did not like her. So she was going through all this. But my mother still prayed for my dad. Everything she went through in the marriage, she gave it God. When I got into high schools, things began to change. My dad began to get so involved with my studies and what I am doing, also with my brother. My mom got tired she was feeling strain in her body, he would take care of her. He started cooking and cleaning the house, by himself. Then some days he fall off the wagon, he would make mom do everything again. By the time, I was in college, he prayed more and more during 3am-5am. I have never seen him pray like this. He started cleaning the house without mom telling him to. He started cooking for mom, when she came from work. He learned the Word of God and started to preach to the Sunday School Kids. So many things God changed in him, through my mom and her prayer. Do you think God would not bless her? When I heard this from her, I was so impressed. I didn’t think of my mom, foolish or meek, or dumb. She had strength, boldness, faithfulness, purity, self-control, compassion, prayer, yet in all of this humbleness, the meek, and maybe no intelligence. However, God embraced her with love, dignity and empowerment, that all women seek. God can take it all away, but he is the one who gives it to you. So I have seen Christ-based marriage, going wrong, but by the power of God, when you put Jesus the center of marriage it is beautiful. I know it’s not easy, it is a testimony. How you make of this marriage is your choice. But when you be humble and submissive and have strong prayer life, God will bless the marriage in ways you will never imagine. In the end, you are seen strong and beautiful, with full of life and purity. It becomes such an empowerment and a testimony for others. So the blogger posted is not meant in a negative manner but for one person that will truly love you the way you are and deserved to be loved, who will show you what love is all about. At the same time, let it be your testimony for His kingdom, it is a blessing.
I recommend anyone to read “Lady in Waiting: Becoming God’s Best While Waiting for Mr. Right”. Ya’ll will looveee it! 🙂
Agreed!! I once read a book that had a list like this that was published in the early 1900s, I had hoped we had become more civilized since then.
Daisy, It might seem like “crap” to those who choose to not have a Biblical marriage, but just because that’s what YOU believe, doesn’t make it so. I believe that respecting my husband is one of the most important things I can do in this life. I have been a believer for almost 40 years, and married for nearly 36 years. I didn’t get the whole love and respect thing for a long time, but when I did, it transformed my marriage and my relationship with my grown son as well. Men need respect more than they need just about anything else in life. And men who feel respected by their wives (and moms and sisters), more often than not will respond by showing their wives the love we so desparately need. Read “Love and Respect” – written by a man, and you will see how it’s supposed to be a cycle, where by giving what the other person needs, we also get what we need. God is perfect, and has designed a wonderful plan for our lives – we are the ones who screw it up. And Daisy, I’ve just got to ask – why would you even want to be on a website like this if you don’t believe? You need to find a site that more closely aligns with your beliefs and leave this one to those of us who want to continue to be encouraged in our roles as wives and moms.
Daisy, I don’t know who you are,but thank you for saying what I was thinking. Because I would have said it with a lot more cursing. This list made me absolutely infuriated and sick to my stomach three demeaning, sexist, sentences in. And my wife and I work HARD on our relationship. But this was absolute rubbish. But I guess I’m just another satanic emissary.
Daisy,
Are you happily married? As a happy wife of 30+ years, I agree 100% with this article. Give love to get love. It is amazing how much our marriage improved when I gave my husband more respect. I dare you to try the suggestions for 30 days. Read the book Fireproof or go see the movie.
It is not 50/50 but 100%/100% so that the day one partner has only 10% to give everything is covered. We have had times when my husband was the sole bread winner, and times when I was the sole bread winner. We have gone through bankruptcy, foreclosure, and many other twists and turns in life.
I would very much describe our marriage as an equal partnership. We are more in love now than ever.
What loving husband would want his wife to dress in a way that makes her feel uncomfortable? A loving husband might appreciate if his wife didn’t wear her favorite sloppy t-shirt to visit his parents. We had a rule when my kids were young that still comes up in discussion today. If you are representing me at my event – I get to choose how you dress. It also worked in reverse, a couple of times my daughter had me change clothes to something she thought would be more appropriate for going to a parent-teacher conference for example. If you will take the effort to dress appropriately for your job, why not for your husband.
And I bet #25 irritates you also, I defer to his wishes, and guess what happens? He defer to mine also. Like when I started a business, or decided one year we are going to Disney, or yes we do need to go to your mothers this weekend and not camping.
You can’t fight your way into being loved.
I am strong enough and confident enough to give my husband the respect he deserves, try it – life is more fun that way. Respecting him is “Change in a positive way”.
Daisy, you took the words right out of my mouth. I’m dumbfounded. This should have been titled “How to be a Doormat”. The days of subservient women are over. Stand up for yourselves, women. You deserve no less than a man does and you are perfectly capable of making intelligent, informed decisions without the “leadership” of a man. And if you’re not in the mood, then tell him you’re not in the mood! I was raised in a church/household with this mentality and I’m so glad I got away from it. Women, you are stronger than you think. And you have a brain. USE IT!
You go girl! I could feel the steam coming out of my ears as I read this… Seems like it was written in 1952… or Biblical times!
you said it Daisy! I threw up in my mouth a little but when I read that I should have sex with my husband whenever HE wants to! What?!?!? Barf, this is 2012, get with the times. I am my own master thank you very much.
Ugh!!! Can you say Stepford Wives???
Daisy….I bet you are single huh? it’s not about letting a man control you. It’s about controlling your own happiness by treating the man you love with respect and in return he shall treat you the same! you can not be so selfish and expect to be happy!
I believe and follow these guidelines and my adult feminist daughter and my husband – who puts me first in his life and treats me LIKE A QUEEN – would absolutely kill themselves laughing to know I was considered ‘meek, insignificant and powerless.’ I am nobody’s doormat. Lol! I think feminists are sometimes just as brainwashed by their teachings as they deem us to be by ours.
You can still have an EQUAL marriage and follow Gods plan for it. You can equally put each other first. I don’t what kind of marriage you have and its none of my business but as for mine we go out of our ways to put the other first. My husband is a wonderful man and he is always thinking of ways to make me happy. So why in the world would I not want to do the same for him?? We respect what the other has to say and love each other so much we listen to each others hearts . We all have our own problems and its about working to change yourself and not to change them, That’s Gods job. To think that you don’t have to EVER put him first is sad.
This is what Love is!
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
(4) Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. (5) It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. (6) Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. (7) It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
If a woman and her husband BOTH follow this, then their marriage will be strong. Do not think that I am for a man abusing a woman. I AM NOT! I think it is wrong and she should leave or kick him out. I am just trying to show people that in a healthy marriage, [following the ideas on this list] is not wrong. I have told my husband off before, and I am not perfect. Life is short, I for one am trying to put my marriage (of 8 yrs) before “me”.
Thank you.
I agree with you, Daisy. I have a happy marriage and my husband is just as respectful of me, as I am, of him, which is wonderful. The parts that bother me are the, “have a clean house” and the “be happy” and “smile” parts. I think it very unhealthy to smile or pretend to be happy, when you aren’t and don’t feel like it. He has every right to know when you are sad, and you have every right to, and should, express your true emotions to him. If you cannot be yourself around him, he isn’t for you! I also don’t like the meals thing. I am not ashamed to admit that my husband makes dinner for the family. I don’t, because I am usually breastfeeding. Assuming that she is the one in charge of the cleaning and the dinner is so ancient. The person writing this article is back in the 50’s. Just so ya’all know, men can cook. It’s 2012. Men can clean. And they should do both! I don’t like that you called these women insignificant and powerless. They aren’t that. They are powerful. They’re just too afraid to let that power come out in the ways that they fear their husbands will not be pleased with. They are significant. They are blinded by the teachings of the past and think that if they become a woman who respects her own feelings and allows herself to be human, then they will be un-Christian women. I would like to know where in the words of scripture it is found that Jesus taught that women who are sad should pretend they are happy, where it shows Him teaching women to give their men sex when they are not in the mood, and where it shows Him teaching that it is a woman’s job to prepare dinner and clean the house.
Thank you Daisy! AI clicked on the link thinking it was a joke and then almost threw up when it turned out to be something women in America actually think and believe! If your comment wasn’t here, I would leave my own!
I feel somewhat similarly about this, but maybe not a harshly as Daisy. I am a Christian, I do believe in putting others before yourself, I understand the bible. However, this does somewhat bother me for a few reasons. Without getting to critical or detailed, I do not like the whole “have dinner ready, dress to impress, follow his lead, etc.” because that is, indeed, a little degrading to women. Women are strong, can be leaders, can have full-time jobs and it may not be realistic for the wife to be the one that cooks or for her to look stunning every single moment. Men can cook too, and what if the wife is not a good cook? Does that mean she doesn’t love her husband or that it is a sin that she needs to repent for? Also, shouldn’t a husband love his wife for the Godly woman she is and not for how she dresses or how much makeup she wears? I mean, some denominations won’t even allow a woman’s skin to show other than elbows down and her head. Obviously I could go into more discussion, but many people have posted on this.
I do think that if this post were more gender neutral or was addressed to BOTH wife AND husband, there would be A LOT less controversy and it would be more widely accepted.
Thank you for your list. It is refreshing to find biblical ideas on how to cherish and maintain your marriage. You sure won’t find this in any of the magazines that today’s young women usually read! Thanks for sharing in spite of the negative responses.
FYI: if you don’t want to read a Christian view on marriage, don’t read a Christian view on marriage.
What this woman is saying is J.O.Y. Jesus, Others, You. If you put jesus first, others second, and yourself last you will find JOY. It is not about being subserviant, or not caring about your own needs. It is about loving others the way Jesus does!
If more women (and men) were willing to be so selfless, maybe we would have less divorce. Every day I do something that is a blessing to my husband. I want to look good for him! I keep the house tidy for him and my family. In return, he is loving, respectful, a wonderful father and a faithful leader of our household. Women listen up – love and honor your husbands. I am a STRONG woman – I am not meek! I am smart enough to know that this is how a marriage is designed to be. Take care of each other and reap the benefits of a godly marriage.
YES! Exactly!
“If more women (and men) were willing to be so selfless, maybe we would have less divorce.”
It takes both partners sacrificing for the sake of the marriage and family.
What is the name of the book?
Lynda, Leslie is talking about Love Your Husband/ Love Yourself: Embracing God’s Purpose for Passion in Marriage.
I have practiced this in my marriage (only with the help of the Holy Spirit) and my husband treats me like a queen, he respects my opinions, and we are very blessed in our sexual relationship. We’ve been married 18yrs and we’re best friends. 🙂
I came upon this via a Facebook posting by a friend. I can understand the frustration of women who have posted here. The difficult measure is that IF you are not married to a man who studies God’s word, being his partner may not be an easy match. But if he Is a disciple and studies the word of God, he will know that his roll is to love his wife like Christ loved the Church. THAT problem for him is the Christ DIED for His church – His “bride” as the metaphor goes. So if the man in your life would not have taken a truck or bullet for you, I can understand why you would not meet him halfway – it wouldn’t seem halfway. I’ve taught my sons that women are not he weaker sex, but they are the most precious of the two – more valuable then rubies even, if they are learning to follow Christ. Please pray for a man you love right now, as you read this. He has issues you can never understand. He is weak and exposed daily. But he chose YOU! Lead him to Christ. Only if he is abusive and it’s not safe are you to part – but Jesus cares for him as you may still do. Lift him up. He needs it more than you. Respect will be returned and a fire like that is incredible.
Good comment Jim. One suggestion for those that are in abusive relationships….
Make sure that everyone you know understands what your abusive spouse is doing. If they are real friends and family, they will be confronting him/her straight away.
Most abuse happens in secret. The abused person feels like they can’t say anything. But that is your power. You have the chance to make a difference in this persons life by getting yourself and others to hold them accountable for their actions. And if enough people know about it, you could very well save your marriage along with change your spouse for the better. And if they chose to not listen to anyone and continue doing has they have done, then you have done everything you could have to make it work. Don’t be abused. Get out and stay gone.
Thank you for this blog. I love it. This is wise counsel from the God who created both men and women. He made us to “become one flesh”, each a half, that completes the other and compliments the other. We each have strength and weaknesses that help one another. It is not in order to control or be controlled, but to love in a way that brings out the best we possibly can in eachother. God gives very specific guidelines for marriage. God doesn’t tell husbands to dominate or beat or make his wife a servant. Instead He tells them to love their wives as God loved the Church, which is a whole lot considering, He died for us. When God gave us the guidelines, He didn’t only address wives, He addressed the husbands too.{ Ephesians 5:22-33.}Men are to protect and love their wives. So much of the comments below are made by women who do not understand the way a heathly, God centered marriage should be. A wife would do these 25 things to respect their husband, out of love for them. Someone who is not a Christian might not understand these concepts because it is not how the “world” says marriage should be. Everyone is for themselves, selfish. To “submit” or “respect” is viewed as a bad thing, because it is humbling. It goes against our “pride”. Submitting to your husband can be a awesome, powerful ,loving thing, not horrible and negative. People always try to please others .They want to be liked, or accepted, why is it viewed as negative or demeaning to “dress” in something he finds attractive? Would you not also like him to dress attractive for you? I am not saying every day you need him to pick out your outfit, but if he likes a certian pair of jeans or shirt, would you wear it to catch and keep his attention? I bet every one of us did when we were dating. We dress for our husbands simply because we love them. They are “visual creatures” and they find pleasure in it. ” Love is patient, love is kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on it’s own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoyce in wrongdoing, but, rejoyces with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.”{1 Corinthians 13:4-8}. The Bible is full of truth and it does not return void. If you are living in and through God’s Word you will have a happy healthy marriage. Give it a try, it might give you a marriage you never dreamed was possible.
Is this article some kind of a joke? Apparently all women are good for is to clean the house and do whatever their husband says and wants. It’s unfortunate the author thinks this way.
Very nice list. I appreciate that you have scriptures after almost every suggestion.although its hard for some to accept,God knows what’s best for marriage because he is the originator of marriage and gives much practical advice in the Bible us to follow so we can have succesful family lives