EP 78: 7 Ways to Ruin Your Marriage — Guaranteed

Proverbs 14:1 tells us, “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.”

I normally like to focus on the first part of that verse and consider, “What are some wise ways we can build our homes and strengthen our family relationships?”

But instead of taking my usual approach and discussing how to nurture your marriage and make it better, today I’d like to examine some very common and very foolish habits that tear down our homes and the people we live with and put unnecessary strain on relationships and threaten to ruin marriages. 

So today, I present you with 7 WAYS TO RUIN YOUR MARRIAGE–GUARANTEED. The tips come from a post I wrote about 10 years ago, which I’ve embedded in the transcript from today’s episode, which you’ll find below the show notes.

7 Ways to Ruin Your Marriage

Full Transcript from Episode 78

Hello, Friend. Welcome to Episode 78 of Loving Life at Home.

Today is March 31, which makes tomorrow April Fool’s Day. So I thought this would be a great time to tackle Proverbs 14:1, which reads,

I normally like to focus on the first part of that verse and consider, “What are some wise ways we can build our homes and strengthen our family relationships?”

But instead of taking my usual approach and discussing how to nurture your marriage and make it better, today I’d like to examine some very common (and very foolish) habits that tear down our homes and the people we live with and put unnecessary strain on relationships and threaten to ruin marriages.

Several years ago, I spotted a post by Crystal Paine, also known as the Money Saving Mom , that I thought was really clever. She entitled it 5 Ways to Ruin Your Day — Guaranteed (I’ll be sure to look up the link and include it in today’s show notes).

Her list included “tips” like staying in your pajamas all day long or mindlessly surfing the Internet  –and as I read through it,  I realized that, from time to time, I’ve been guilty of every single one of them (with the possible exception of #3, which was “stew about everything wrong with your life.” That one has never been a personal struggle for me. Not because there aren’t lots of areas that could stand improvement, but because I’d rather invest energy in addressing those issues rather than just fretting over or feeling defeated by them. It’s amazing how much you can accomplish with a little elbow grease and a few step-by-step YouTube tutorials on fixing dripping faucets or replacing faulty switches or oiling creaky hinges or dealing with a variety of other small annoyances that occasionally crop up in everybody’s home.)

But, back to my point: Nobody sets out with the goal of ruining their day in mind,  yet when I think back to days that I’ve devoted time to such self-defeating activities as the other four habits on Crystal’s list, they seldom rank among my most productive or my most joyous.

So I thought perhaps a similar tongue-in-cheek post about marriage might kindle some comparable sparks of recognition. And I wrote one. That was 10 years ago, but I’m sharing the same principles with you today.

Of course, nobody sets out with the goal of ruining their marriage in mind, but — unfortunately — that’s the position in which many couples find themselves these days.

Maybe if we could recognize the habits that are undermining our relationships early enough, we could change our ways before it’s too late.

So, in that spirit, I offer you…

7 Ways to Ruin Your Marriage — Guaranteed:

1. Put yourself first.

   My first tip for anyone interested in undermining their marriage is to think of yourself first and foremost. Always look out for #1. Make everything about you. Prioritize your needs and marginalize your husband’s – or, better yet, ignore his altogether. If you have children, be sure to put them ahead of Daddy, as well. Your husband is a big boy — isn’t he old enough to take care of himself?

2. Dwell on his flaws.

   The second sure-fire way to destroy your marriage is to dwell exclusively on your husband’s flaws. Focus all your attention on those things he does that most annoy you. Blind yourself to any good traits and zero in on the bad ones. Who cares if he is a hard worker if he’s irresponsible with money? What does it matter that he’s a loving and devoted father if he’s also a complete slob?

3. Assume the worst.

   A third way to ruin your marriage: Always assume the worst. Assign a malignant motive to anything he does that you don’t like. It will help here if you’ll also expect him to read your mind. Then you’ll be able to convince yourself that he’s acting that way on purpose, just to tick you off. If he really loved you, he would know how much his behavior bothers you and stop doing it.

4. Refuse to forgive.

   The fourth thing you can do to ruin your marriage is to harbor bitterness. Refuse to forgive.
   

   Whenever your husband forgets your anniversary or loses his temper or leaves his dirty socks on the floor, make sure he knows that he has seriously screwed up. Glare at him with disapproval, then give him a cold shoulder. The longer you hold a grudge, the less likely he’ll be to make the same mistake in the future.

5. Withhold respect.

   My fifth tip for submarining your marriage is to withhold respect. Experienced ex-wives will tell you: You should never just give your husband respect — you need to make him earn it. After all, the harder he works to win your approval, the more he’ll appreciate it once he gets it. (Until that time, feel free to disparage him as much as you like, both to his face and behind his back.)

6. Turn him down.

   My sixth tip will help put even more nails in the coffin of your marriage: Simply turn your husband down at every opportunity. I’ve often heard it argued that you don’t need to have sex to have a good marriage. The sooner your husband understands and accepts that idea, the better. Why make love when you can make excuses? If you want to give the death blow to your marriage, then anytime your husband is in the mood and you aren’t, just tell him to go take a cold shower. If you put him off frequently enough, he’ll eventually give up and stop bugging you about it altogether.

7. Cast blame.

   And my seventh and final way to wreck any hope for experiencing a happily ever after is to assign blame. Don’t accept personal responsibility for any of the problems in your marriage — instead just keep insisting they are all your husband’s fault. You can even pin your own poor attitudes on him: If he were the kind of husband he ought to be, you wouldn’t react the way you do. If he’d get his act together, yours would quickly follow, wouldn’t it?

The good news is, you don’t have to do all these things at once to ruin your marriage. Just doing one or two of them habitually is usually enough to make most couples miserable.

A Better Way: How to Build Up Instead of Tearing Down

Of course, if you prefer building your house to tearing it down with your own hands — if you’d rather nurture your marriage than destroy it – then you should simply do the opposite of that previous list:

1. Put him first.

   First, place more importance on your husband’s needs than your own by living as Philippians 2:3-4 instructs us: “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.”

2. Emphasize his good points.

   Second, focus on the positive, like Philippians 4:8 tells us to do: “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

3. Believe the best.

   Third, instead of assuming the worst, believe the best about your husband. As 1 Corinthians 13:7 tells us, “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.”

4. Forgive freely.

   Fourth, forgive your husband as you yourself have been forgiven, like Colossians 3:13 commands: “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

5. Shower him with respect.

   Fifth, shower your husband with respect, as wives are told in Ephesians 5:33 to do. I love the way this verse reads in the Amplified Version: “…the wife [must see to it] that she respects and delights in her husband [that she notices him and prefers him and treats him with loving concern, treasuring him, honoring him, and holding him dear].”

6. Be responsive.

   Sixth, don’t deny your husband physically. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 makes our responsibilities in this area clear: “The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband.  The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.  Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

7. Accept responsibility.

   And seventh, own up to your own failings instead of pointing fingers, as James 5:16 instructs us to do: “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”

That’s how God’s economy works: It turns worldly wisdom on its head. I actually wrote a poem about this fact several years ago called “It’s Time to Turn Your Thinking Around.”  I’ll link that in the show notes as well.

If you read the poem top to bottom, it outlines the world’s view of marriage: Society will tell you…

Modern day marriages don’t last
That is why
You should only look out for #1
It is foolish to think
You can live happily ever after
By giving your all
To build up your man
Take whatever measures are necessary
To maintain your autonomy
Don’t worry about trying
To give 110%
Always remember instead
That marriage is a 50-50 proposition
Don’t think for a minute
Your husband will respond in kind
If you treat him with respect
That’s a lie
Being a submissive wife makes you a doormat
I don’t believe
Marriage is worth the sacrifice

Marriage is worth the sacrifice
I don’t believe
Being a submissive wife makes you a doormat
That’s a lie
If you treat him with respect
Your husband will respond in kind
Don’t think for a minute
That marriage is a 50-50 proposition
Always remember instead
To give 110%
Don’t worry about trying
To maintain your autonomy
Take whatever measures are necessary
To build up your man
By giving your all
You can live happily ever after
It is foolish to think
You should only look out for #1
That is why
Modern day marriages don’t last

The good news is, we all get to choose which way to live.

Like wise women, we can build up our house, nurture our marriage, lovingly invest in our family relationships, and serve the Lord with gladness as we fulfill our duties as wives and mothers and sisters and daughters.

Or like foolish women, we can tear down our houses with our own hands by belittling our husbands, berating our children, and behaving like spoiled, selfish brats.

If your goal is to build up your home instead of tearing it down, I encourage you to immerse yourself in Scripture and pray daily for God’s wisdom and strength, so that you won’t grow weary in doing good. I’ll link a few resources in the show notes to help you with those endeavors, including my favorite One-Year Bible Reading Plan and a few prayer guides specifically for praying Scripture over your husband, yourself, and your marriage.

And I also hope you’ll come back and listen to more of my podcasts, or visit my blog, or read one of my books, such as Love Your Husband, Love Yourself, which I’ll link in the show notes.

Thanks so much for listening in this week. I’ll do my very best to post another episode next Monday. I hope you’ll join me then.

More Secrets to a Successful, God-Honoring Marriage

For more marriage wisdom and encouragement, check out the following books. They reject the faulty thinking of modern-day culture and build instead upon clear, biblical principles that are both time-tested and effective.

• Love Your Husband/ Love Yourself: Embracing God’s Purpose for Passion in Marriage
• 25 Way to Communicate Respect for Your Husband: A Handbook for Wives
• 25 Ways to Show Love to Your Wife: A Handbook for Husbands

PLEASE NOTE: This post, 7 Ways to Ruin Your Marriage, contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase through any of those links, we may receive a small referral fee, at no extra cost to you. Such fees help defray the cost of running this website. This, in turn, allows us to continue offering our readers a wealth of FREE printable resources. So thank you for your support!