The Art of Leadership (and a Book Giveaway)

Shortly before we married, my husband’s grandmother attempted to teach me how to tat.

For those unfamiliar with this dying art form, tatting is a very tedious, time-consuming method of handcrafting intricate lace using fine cotton thread wound about a two-inch shuttle. This shuttle is woven in and out and around the loose end of string until a delicate web of loops and knots begins to take shape.

At least, that is how it’s supposed to work. I never got the hang of it myself. Nanny refused to let me keep the shuttle in my hands long enough to figure it out. No sooner did I get the cotton threaded through my fingers than she would snatch it away.

“Not like that! Like this! Now watch!”

I was allowed three fleeting attempts before she announced that “some people just aren’t cut out for this sort of thing,” plucked the shuttle from my fingers, and locked it away in her secretary for good. So my first and only tatting lesson was a miserable failure.

It wasn’t because I lacked coordination—my fine motor skills were superb. It wasn’t because I hadn’t the patience for such intricate work—I’d been making fine lace for years using a crochet needle with a microscopic hook. It wasn’t because my mind couldn’t grasp the complicated stitches — I’d done needlework (with a pen in hand for taking notes) through all my college classes and still graduated summa cum laude with a degree in mathematics. It wasn’t because I lacked interest or time or aptitude or creativity or resolve.

No, the only reason I failed at tatting is because my husband’s spirited little grandma — bless her heart — couldn’t stand to watch me struggle. She insisted on showing me how to do it again and again and again, and in the process prevented my ever learning how to do it myself.

I wonder how many husbands feel in their marriages the way I felt on the couch next to Nanny that night?

How many men would love to lead their families — they’re capable, ready, and willing to do so — but their wives refuse to hand over the reins? How many are never given the opportunity to prove themselves, because their wives fear they’ll fail, or won’t do things the way the wife thinks they should be done? How many find the power struggle that ensues so enormously frustrating that they’re ready to give up even trying?

Few men enter marriage as experts in the management of a household. Whatever experience they get must be gained through on-the-job training.

Do your husband a favor and follow his lead. Be supportive of the decisions he makes instead of arguing for your own way or trying to second-guess him. Cheer him on enthusiastically, give him room to grow, and you will find that his skill for leadership — like any other artistic ability — will improve with practice.

"Fathers who lead need families who'll follow." - Jennifer Flanders
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The above post is adapted from my book, Love Your Husband/Love Yourself: Embracing God’s Purpose for Passion in Marriage. Haven’t read it yet? Then enter this giveaway for a chance to win a free copy.

13 thoughts on “The Art of Leadership (and a Book Giveaway)

  1. I’m fairly fortunate because I feel like my wife has been trusting during our first two years of marriage. She quit her job and moved across country with me … and now we are poor, but we also spent five weeks in the Philippines. So it has been good and not so good.

    I’ve never felt like a great leader, but I think I do well enough. My goal is to be a great leader.

    On the very long flight to the Philippines, the stewardesses kept asking my wife what she was doing because they had never seen it before. My wife smiled each time and said, “This is called tatting.”

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  2. I have struggled in this area of marriage too. My husband and I both came from broken families. He was raised by his mom and I by my dad. It’s been a learn as you grow situation. I am truly blessed to have people like you to help me along!

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  3. I’ve tried and failed at marriage three times now. I’m sure this was part of the reason why. I’m also certain it was because I never included God in my search for the right mate. I’ve now turned that over to Him, and if I should marry again, it will be to someone who He’s chosen for me, and I will pray every day that He helps me be the Christian wife I should be.

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  4. I recently approached my husband about taking the lead back in our marriage. I can see how our middle daughter is beginning to second guess him and I know that is due to me. I truly love my husband, he just seems to be the peacekeeper instead of being the leader. I know he has tons of leadership in him, he just doesn’t show it with me. So, I had a real heart to heart with him about taking the leadership role. We agreed that we would need someone to hold us each accountable, so we reached out to a couple and asked them to mentor us. This post says it all for me. Thank you for sharing!!!

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  5. This is something that i need to work on. I struggle with letting go of control. I’m not married yet just engaged but this is something i think that i can practice even now with my fiance. Thank you for the post

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