EP 12: When You’re Married to a Problem Solver
Are you married to a problem solver? Does your husband like to fix things? Do you get perturbed when you look to him for sympathy, and he insists on offering answers instead?
What’s a wife to do in such a situation? That’s what we’re discussing today on The Loving Life at Home Podcast. Want to read the original post on which this episode is based? It’s reprinted in its entirety below the show notes.
Show Notes
RELATED SCRIPTURES:
- “A wise man will hear, and will increase learning; and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels…” – Proverbs 1:5
- “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, But a wise man is he who listens to counsel.” – Proverbs 12:15
- “Pride leads to conflict; those who take advice are wise.” – Proverbs 13:10
- “Hear counsel, and receive instruction, that thou mayest be wise in thy latter end.” – Proverbs 19:20
RELATED LINKS:
- The Male Brain – book by Louann Brizendine, MD
- “It’s Not about the Nail” – Jason Headly video
Are You Married to a Problem Solver?
Are you married to a problem solver? Does your husband like to fix things? Do you get perturbed when you look to him for sympathy, and he insists on offering answers instead?
It’s tempting, when you’re upset, to interpret this hasty rush-to-a-solution as evidence that your husband doesn’t really understand the situation. Doesn’t fully appreciate the distress it has caused you. Can’t adequately feel your pain.
You may even think that his no-nonsense approach to the matter is just an attempt to shut you up, because he’s tired of hearing you bellyache.
I’ve entertained such thoughts myself in the past about my own problem solving husband. And I still have a hard time believing they aren’t at least partially true.
Yet, according to a growing body of scientific evidence, our husbands respond the way they do simply because that is how their brains are wired. (If you’d like to read all the fascinating details regarding this research, I highly recommend Louann Brizendine’s The Male Brain
Men Think Differently than Women
Studies have now confirmed what we’ve all long suspected: Men and women are different. And they think very differently.
A man can’t understand why his wife would waste valuable time complaining about something he could easily fix in just a few minutes. And a woman is equally perplexed, because her husband seems incapable of listening without taking on an advisory role.
Often, all we really want is a little sympathy.
We must realize, however, that problem solving is a husband’s way of sympathizing. Mentally searching for a solution is his way of communicating his concern. Of proving that he cares. Of expressing heartfelt empathy in the way that comes most naturally to him.
Even so, it grates on us. Right? So what’s a beleaguered wife to do?
Making Peace with Your Problem-Solving Husband
If you want to avoid the conflict that sometimes springs from your spouse’s different method of thinking about and dealing with problems, then you really have only three options:
- Stop complaining
- Warn him ahead of time if all you want is a hug or a prayer or a shoulder to cry on
- Listen to his counsel and accept his advice
The first option — stop complaining — is just a good rule of thumb in general. Nobody likes to be around a whiner or complainer, and the more positive we can remain towards our life and circumstances, the better off we’ll be. Nevertheless, there are times when difficult situations must be addressed and discussed. So what, then?
The second option — letting your spouse know up front that you just want him to listen without offering advice — may (theoretically) help from your point of view, but it will probably feel like torture to your husband.
Put Yourself in Your Husband’s Shoes
Consider how you would react if the tables were turned: Imagine your husband comes home complaining of feeling famished. You offer him a snack, try to cook him some dinner, point him to the pantry, propose going out to eat, but your every suggestion is met with fierce resistance. Not only that, but your spouse accuses you of being insensitive for even attempting to come up with a solution.
“Why do you always have to fix things?” he might ask in exasperation. “I haven’t eaten all day! I’m starting to feel faint! Can’t you see how upset I am? I don’t need advice; I need sympathy. I just want to know that you’re on my side — that you understand!”
Wouldn’t it feel a little disingenuous to merely pat your husband on the back in such a situation and tell him that you’re sorry he’s having such a hard time?
Well, that’s exactly how our husbands feel, too, when we put such constraints on them and attempt to dictate their emotional responses.
In the same way that you’d feel compelled to let your hungry husband know there’s hot bread in the oven, your husband feels obligated to share his best answer to whatever problem is troubling you.
Accept His Advice with Gratitude
And that brings us to the third option — you can listen to your husband’s counsel and accept his advice. Don’t automatically pooh-pooh his suggestions, like the woman in this video:
He’s offering you a fresh perspective, a different vantage point, so hear him out, then do your best to implement his most reasonable recommendations.
Believe me, I know this is easier said than done. I do not like change in general, so my knee-jerk reaction to any suggestion that we do something differently is to argue in favor of the status quo.
This usually backfires.
That’s because, in God’s great providence, I married a man who embraces change with hearty enthusiasm. You might even say he likes change for change’s sake, although life with me has tempered that tendency somewhat. (Isn’t it wonderful how God balances extremes in personalities by uniting them in holy matrimony?)
I’ve learned not to complain about trivial matters, because I know my doing so will trigger my husband’s problem-solving circuits, which will inevitably lead to some sort of change that feels (to me) like more of a hassle than whatever matter I was grousing about to begin with.
Unfortunately, this does not get me completely off the hook in the advice department, because sometimes my spouse will simply see something he thinks is not working as well as it should and make suggestions based on that observation.
My husband is very smart, extremely attentive to detail, and amazingly adept at “thinking outside the box.” So why wouldn’t I want to immediately adopt whatever measure he’s proposing?
Crucify Personal Pride
My inborn aversion to change is only part of the problem. If I’m honest, I must admit the rest of it stems from my pride.
The Bible tells us, “Pride leads to conflict; those who take advice are wise.” (Proverbs 13:10, NLT)
Ouch! Isn’t that verse convicting? What makes me resistant to my husband’s advice? What makes me want to argue about the best course of action? The Bible says it’s my pride. “Where there is strife, there is pride,” is how the NIV translates it.
Whenever strife and arguments and contention exist, we can be certain pride is somehow involved.
It boils down to this: I want my way. I’m convinced my way is better.
Is it better? Maybe. Maybe not.
But I’ll never know unless I hear my husband out. It is arrogant and stubborn and foolish for me to cling to my own way without even bothering to consider his ideas about a given matter.
His ideas are almost always reasonable. It would be fair to say that many of his ideas border on brilliant. We both know this, so it’s insulting and hurtful to him when I blithely discount or dismiss his suggestions.
Taking my husband’s advice does not mean I’m incapable of thinking through problems or coming up with solutions on my own. It just means I’m willing to consider his perspective and give his way a try.
Why not do the same at your house?
Don’t fight against the way God wired your husband’s brain to work. Next time you face a problem, ask for his advice. Then take it.
Doing so doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re smart.
More Biblically Sound Marriage Tips
The Word of God is full of wisdom for every facet of life, but we’ve found it especially helpful in building a happy, healthy marriage. For a fascinating look at how science has confirmed the superiority of God’s design, check out my book Love Your Husband, Love Yourself.
Why is it only the woman who ever has to change? Why does the man in this article not get as much accountability? Why can’t *he* also make peace that I just want him to listen???
You are 100% right in your assumption the man should also be accountable and should also undergo change over time. He definitely should. That is the essence of growth and maturity and sanctification for all of us.
The reason I have not stressed that fact in this podcast and blog post is that I am speaking and writing to wives, not to husbands. And as wives, we have very little control over what our husbands do or think. We only have control over our own thoughts and actions.
So when our husbands do things we wish they wouldn’t do or neglect to do the things we want, instead of getting upset or complaining or trying to change him, we can “count it all joy” (as James 1:2-3 bids us to do) and consider the fact that God may be using the imperfect man we married to grow and mature and sanctify us as wives (even as we trust Him to work in a similar way to grow, mature, and sanctify our husbands — without our having to take matters into our own hands and attempt to do the Holy Spirit’s job for Him).
Also, if all you want is a listening ear and not a solution to some problem, you are free to give your husband a gentle reminder of that fact before you begin relating whatever story it is you want to share. Just understand that listening without giving suggestions as to how you might “fix” things is going to be both extremely difficult and entirely unnatural for a lot of men, because God wired them to be problem solvers.
Thank you for your response, I appreciate it. I understand your point and I do agree that our wonderful men often have wonderful solutions. I find that there is usually only room for them after listening first to the feelings because those are the biggest problem..
Thank you inspirational blogs, I love them. It feels to me that you are very honest, I love it that you say what you think! We continually need to be reminded of how to love our husbands how God wants us to love them !
I totally disagree with you. As Shaunti Feldhahn says in her books, based on research on both men and women, men just need to know that listening is most of the time THE solution! Usually when a problem pops up, the problem is the feelings the woman has about the matter and the man can easily acknowledge them and the problem is solved! Listening is the key when a woman has a problem and it has nothing to do with pride, just the way the WOMAN is wired. It is funny how you use a picture and video which underline that a guy needs to just listen (and sometimes give advice) and your interpretation is completely different.
My husband and I talked over what is said this article. He said it is way easier for him now he knows what I need when there is a problem, just a hug and understanding. He is so good at it!! It is easier for men to do that than for a woman to not be able to pour her heart out and swallow away trivial matters.
I have enjoyed Shaunti Feldhahn’s books, too, Conja. I do not mean to imply that a woman should swallow her feelings and not discuss things with her husband. My point is that our husbands often see things from a different perspective and naturally come up with solutions that may not have occurred to us. We should give them the freedom to express themselves, just as we’re asking them to do for us. It is fine to let your guy know upfront that a solution is not required or expected, but if a good one happens to occur to him in the midst of his listening, he should be free to share it, and we would be smart to hear him out.
You are welcome to disagree with me on this, but if you think the video that says it’s not about the nail really means it’s not about the nail, then you’ve missed the point there, too. It is obviously about the nail. Her sweaters are snagging, her head is throbbing, and her husband knows why. Yes, the video underscores the importance of a husband being sensitive and listening to his wife, but I think the visual message is that — sometimes — a husband knows what he’s talking about, and his wife would do well to listen to him.
I totally disagree with you 🙂 Even though Shaunti says that about her man, in our home it’s the opposite. My husband wants the listening ear and I am the fix er upper. I can not even begin to fathom why he would want to just use me as his garbage can, when I can see that he has a legitimate problem and I have an answer that has alluded him causing him problems. Watching him in pain is very difficult for me, when I could fix ‘the nail’, but it does help me to see that if I just reverse the process, ie listen to him, and give him a hug he would feel better. It doesn’t make a lick of sense to my brain, but if it helps him, that is my goal, so I will try it.
So true,thanks for sharing hope more men read this as well. This will keep the roof from leaking,and everyone happy inside the house.
I had a friend give us a verbal tool to help us differentiate from times to listen and times to offer solutions. She calls it Garbage Can Vs Toolbox. Garbage can means I just need a listening ear and a hug whereas Tool Box means I am looking for a solution. This simple phrase has helped us since we heard it. Now if one of us in uncertain of what our spouse is looking for we can ask ” honey, do you want me to trash can or tool box”. I have also used it to start my conversation as well ” honey, I need to trash can about…..”