EP 36: The Wrong Way to Propose Marriage

Today’s the anniversary of the day my husband proposed to me, so I’m taking a little walk down memory lane during this week’s podcast. Listen in as we discuss the right — and the wrong — way to propose marriage.

One thing I’ve learned through more than three and a half decades of marriage? Endings are far more important than beginnings. That’s true of our service to God and our service to our family.

The Wrong Way to Propose Marriage

My husband and I met in college, 38 years ago next month. He strolled into my life about two weeks before I graduated and swept me completely off my feet. I’ll tell you more about how that happened in April when we celebrate the anniversary of the day we met.

But for now, all you need to know is that God’s timing for our first meeting was impeccable.

That’s because my father had always told me I would NOT be allowed to marry until I’d earned my bachelor’s degree.

Now, I was also bound and determined that Dad’s degree-requirement would not stand in the way once Mr. Right showed up.

So I studied hard. I CLEPped out of lower level classes (including calculus). I took as many as 27 hours a semester — at two separate colleges, since neither would approve that many hours at a time otherwise – in order to finish my bachelor’s ASAP. But I was really hoping to get my M-R-S degree while I was at it.

As a math major, I took some fairly rigorous courses: differential equations, abstract algebra, number theory, Euclidean proofs. Even the electives I chose were challenging: Greek, hermeneutics, pathophysiology, and the like.

I was the only girl in the vast majority of the classes I took, which theoretically should have increased the odds significantly. But despite that fact, finding Mr. Right proved difficult.

The problem was that – on the small Christian campus I attended — my reputation preceded me. Frustratingly few of my classmates seemed keen on dating a nearly-six-foot tall freckled redhead. Especially one whose stated life goal was to have and homeschool a houseful of kids.

Complete Disinterest

Most of the guys I knew were completely disinterested in making that dream come true.

Nevertheless, as surprising as it may sound, my wonderful husband was actually not the first man to ask for my hand in marriage. Technically, that distinction goes to another college chum of mine. One I’d known for nearly three years, spent most of my spare time with (before meeting Doug), and loved like a brother.

That friend began his marriage proposal with this showstopper: “Jennifer, I’ve never found you the least bit attractive, but….” He hurried on to explain that he’d lately become convicted I was the kind of girl he ought to marry.

I suppose I should’ve felt flattered. Being “the kind of girl a guy ought to marry” is high praise, indeed.

But I found myself fixating instead on Prince Charming’s introductory remarks. To my sensitive ears, they sounded something like this: Jennifer, I’m repulsed by the very sight of you. But I’m willing to choke down my vomit long enough to exchange vows at the altar.

Can we all agree that hurling that kind of insult at your intended bride is the wrong way to propose marriage?

But the would-be groom wasn’t finished. “So I prayed that God would give me an unquenchable love for you,” my friend continued. “And that’s exactly what He’s done, so… how about getting married?”

“You should’ve prayed God would do the same for me,” I countered, “because the love I feel for you is brotherly, not matrimonial.” (Did you know in Greek there’s a completely different word for each kind of love?)

Irresistible Simplicity

Many men pour a lot of thought into how they’ll pop the question to their beloved. Sadly, my candid friend wasn’t one of them.

My husband and I have sat on the sidelines now for five of our own sons’ marriage proposals. Proposals that included such painstakingly planned details as candlelight dinners, secluded picnics, sunset strolls along the shore, blindfolded visits to rose gardens, exploding boxes, treetop kisses, hidden photographers, helicopter rides, and heartfelt declarations of everlasting love.

One of our sons, together with his bride-to-be, came home to an engagement party immediately after she said yes, and it took the happy couple nearly three hours with microphones in hand to walk their party guests step-by-step through all the events leading up to and including the elaborate proposal that had taken place earlier that evening.

My dear Doug’s proposal was not nearly so flashy as all that. In fact, if it weren’t for his grandparents, I may never have gotten a formal proposal from him at all.

We had figured out fairly early in our relationship that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, so by the time Doug took me to Corpus Christi to meet his Nanny and Poppie, we’d been making wedding plans for months.

As soon as Doug mentioned to them that we were planning to marry, his tiny little blue-eyed, dark-headed French grandmother reached over and patted me on the knee and chirped enthusiastically, “Well then… we’d better get the rings sized!”

So that very afternoon – the day before Saint Patrick’s Day – she slipped the wedding set off her own finger and dropped it at Taylor Brother’s where it could be expanded to fit mine.

When we returned two days later to pick up this beautiful family heirloom, Nanny was the one who determined Doug needed to make a formal proposal of marriage before slipping that dazzling diamond engagement ring on my finger.

So he bent the knee and asked me proper in his grandparents’ living room that evening. Nanny and Poppie were right there, critiquing and correcting as he went, insisting that he back up and start again at several key points.

Of course, this was long before Pinterest or YouTube or Instagram, so my engagement expectations weren’t unrealistically high to begin with. But my other friend’s bungling attempt lowered the bar in my mind even further as to what constitutes a good proposal.

To me, the most notable difference between the two was the sense of yearning that accompanied the request. If there’s an opposite of choking down vomit, that’s what I saw in Doug’s eyes when he looked at me that evening. What I still see when he looks at me today.

Unwavering Commitment

Even more importantly, he backed up his yearning with unwavering, whole-hearted commitment.

This commitment, this sense of determination, this willingness to put my needs ahead of his own is driven by yet another kind of love (one with yet another Greek word to identify it).

It’s this kind of steadfast, self-sacrificing love – together with the God who exemplifies and supplies it – that has kept us happily married for over three and a half decades now. It fortifies Doug’s love for me (and mine for him) even when life gets hard or money gets tight or health goes south or schedules get crazy or either/both of us feel momentarily angry or annoyed with the other.

When it comes to elaborate engagements and fairytale weddings, my husband and I discovered early on that endings matter more than beginnings. 

How you start your life together isn’t nearly as important as how you finish (although if you want to get off on the right foot, you should probably avoid insulting your beloved while proposing marriage).

In Matthew 21:28-32, Jesus tells the story of a man who had two sons whom he asked to work in his vineyard.

The first son initially refused, but he later thought better of it and went to the vineyard and did the work his father asked him to do.

The second son agreed readily. “Yes, sir, I will!” he replied, but he never followed through.

The question Jesus asked His listeners was this: Which son did the will of His father? We could ask the same thing of married couples:

Lots of couples make grand promises, pledging life and love to one another in elaborate and costly ceremonies on their wedding day. But they don’t always follow through. Later, when the going gets tough, many of them bail.

Others manage to build happy marriages despite less-than-ideal beginnings.

During WWII, lots of couples tied the knot mere hours before the groom was shipped overseas into combat. Brides wore borrowed dresses and carried bouquets of flowers gathered from neighborhood gardens. They had to scrape together sugar and flour rations to bake a small cake for the wedding reception.

But they were committed.

They stuck to their vows and put in the necessary work — the love, sweat, and tears — to build solid marriages that went the distance.

Incidentally, I once read – and I’ll link the study in the show notes — that the more a couple spends on the engagement ring and/or wedding, the more likely their marriage will end in divorce! (https://bestlifeonline.com/expensive-wedding-divorce-news/ ) Isn’t that interesting? And sad?

Of course, that doesn’t mean you’re doomed if you had a big, beautiful wedding. Ours was beautiful and felt plenty big at the time, but it didn’t break the bank.

Rather, we economized everywhere we could: I sewed my own wedding gown and made bouquets and boutonnieres for the entire wedding party. My mom talked church friends into serving spaghetti in the fellowship hall for our rehearsal dinner and created all the gorgeous fruit trays and charcuterie boards herself for our wedding reception. And forty of my friends from the Dallas Symphony Chorus provided live music at the ceremony – for free, since I, too, was a chorus member during that season of my life.

What’s more, we have lots of happily married friends who spent even less on their weddings than we did. Some could only afford a small family ceremony. A couple had shotgun weddings. Others got married in front of a justice of the peace.

Again, how you start out is not nearly as important as how you finish.

If you’re married, you’ve undoubtedly stored up a lot of memories, just like I have. Memories of how you and your husband met. Memories of how he proposed. Memories of your engagement, your wedding day, and your honeymoon.

Hopefully, most of these memories are pleasant ones (and relatively free of insults). But even if they aren’t, you can purpose to change the tone going forward.

Stay committed. Love selflessly. Forgive freely. Do the work your Father asks you to do. And finish strong. 

Thanks to God’s enabling grace, it isn’t too late to live happily ever after.

Bible-Based Marriage Advice

Want more tried and true marriage tips that are Biblically-based and backed by science? Then get a copy of my book Love Your Husband, Love Yourself. Learn how and why embracing God’s purpose for passion in marriage is essential to a strong, vibrant life together.