EP 58: The Best Wedding Gift You’ll Ever Get

Tune into Episode 58 as we discuss the best wedding gift any couple will ever receive — a gift that God Himself designed and prepared especially for husbands and wives to enjoy and one that will benefit them in all the myriad ways detailed below and more.

The Best Wedding Gift You’ll Ever Get

Full transcript for Episode

Hello, Friend. Welcome to Episode 58 of Loving Life at Home.

If you saw the title of this episode, “The Best Wedding Gift You’ll Ever Receive,” you may be scratching your head as to what I could possibly mean. Well, I’ll give you a hint: It’s one of my all-time favorite topics. I’m referring, of course, to the the GIFT of physical intimacy in marriage.

Just so you’ll know: I’m not going to say anything on this subject that I’d be embarrassed to say in front of my own children (at any age or stage). In fact, my comments will be far less graphic —  and far more Biblically grounded – than the curriculum taught these days in many public school classrooms to students as young as kindergarten.

But I realize everybody is different, and your level of comfort in discussing sex with your kids may be different than mine. So you may want to keep all those things in mind if little ones are within earshot while you’re listening to this episode.

I spent years doing research for the first book I ever wrote. The title of that book is LOVE YOUR HUSBAND, LOVE YOURSELF: EMBRACING GOD’S PURPOSE FOR PASSION IN MARRIAGE. One reader wrote in her review, “This book is the talk your mom never had the nerve to have with you.”

And that makes sense, because the first 11 chapters – fully half of the book – is about the physical relationship between husband and wife. You’ll find a link in the show notes, in case listening to this episode leaves you wanting to learn more. Just be aware that it’s NOT a how-to book – I’m assuming readers will have already figured that part out on their own. What I’ve written instead is a why-to book.

The Word of God is full of wisdom for every facet of life, but we’ve found it especially helpful in building a happy, healthy marriage. For a fascinating look at how science has confirmed the superiority of God’s design, check out my book Love Your Husband/Love Yourself.

And let me tell you, there are LOTS of compelling reasons we should prioritize the physical intimacy aspect of marriage.

As much as I would love to delve into all the fascinating research and scientific studies I included in that book, I’m going to narrow my focus today and just give a brief overview of four key attributes of this physical union we call sex.  

And for the purposes of today’s discussion, I’d like you to think of sex as a GIFT.

How do you know whether a gift is loved and appreciated?

I’m guessing you’ve received lots of gifts over the years: Christmas presents, birthday gifts, maybe wedding or baby shower gifts.

Sometimes those gifts are exactly what you wanted or needed, and the giver knows it was a hit because you use it ALL THE TIME.

That was definitely the case with a black fabric Zorro mask I sewed for my son Samuel when he was about four years old. I never had to wonder whether he liked it or not, because he wore it almost constantly—inside, outside, at mealtime, at bathtime, virtually every waking moment for well over a year, he kept that thing tied around his head until we all but forgot what he looked like underneath.

He treated that little swath of fabric like an American Express Card: never left home without it. At least once, he even smuggled it into church in the pocket of his blue jeans. Halfway through the sermon, I glanced down the pew at all my little ones lined up and listening quietly, and realized Sam had taken that mask out of its hiding place and tied it back around his head.

Setting aside the mild embarrassment I felt in that moment, it was gratifying to see how absolutely thrilled that one simple gift made my young son.

Imagine, though, that instead of wearing that Zorro mask as intended,  he’d folded it up and stuffed it in the bottom drawer of his nightstand, and I never saw it again? Don’t you think I might’ve felt like I wasted my time stitching it in the first place? What was the point if he never used it?

With that scenario in mind, how would you say you are doing using wonderful gift of sex that God gave to wives and their husbands? I started to say “to husbands and their wives,” but I think a lot of women—especially in past generations—think of sex as something that is primarily intended for a man’s benefit (an idea that sorely needs to be refuted). I have friends, in fact, whose own mother told them before they married that sex is “just something a wife has to endure.”

But that is such a woefully deficient view of what God intended physical oneness to be for both participants! We need to see sex for the GOOD gift it is–a gift God created to be enjoyed faithfully, frequently, and freely in the context of marriage.  

G = GOOD.

Sex is a GOOD gift God has given married couples to enjoy. Not only was marriage God’s GOOD idea, but so was sex. On the sixth day of creation, He created man, declared it not good for man to be alone, created a helpmeet suitable for Adam, and presented her to him. 

We read the full account in Genesis 2:21-25,

"And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept; and [God] took one of [Adam’s] ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. And Adam said: ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called Woman because she was taken out of Man.’ Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.”

Note that this one-flesh union is part of what God had in mind when He surveyed His work after the sixth day of creation and pronounced it all VERY GOOD. 

The world often tries to characterize Christians as a bunch of prudes who think sex is shameful and dirty and should only be engaged in for the purposes of procreation. Yet Christians of all people should view sex—at least sex as God designed it to be enjoyed in the context of marriage – as something that is wonderfully pure, delightful, and awe-inspiring.

And isn’t it interesting that God would inspire that 25^th verse to be written?   “And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.” That’s as it should be. A husband and wife should be so intimately acquainted as to be completely unselfconscious baring both their bodies and souls to one another.  

Unfortunately, lots of girls say “yes, yes, yes” to sex before marriage (something the Bible calls sin), then try to make up for that fact by saying “no, no, no” to sex with their husbands later. This is completely backwards and is a recipe for a miserable marriage.

But it’s easy enough to understand why this is the case. It’s because the world would have us believe that hooking up with complete strangers is “freedom” while faithfully having sex with your husband is “slavery.”

Yet that upside down thinking is absolute poison. God’s Word paints a different picture.

Proverbs 18:22 tells us, “He who finds a wife finds a GOOD thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” And Proverbs 31:2 says a virtuous wife “does [her husband] GOOD and not evil all the days of her life.”

That’s the kind of wife I want to be. I want my life to affirm the truth of those verses in my husband’s mind. I want him to read those portions of Scripture and others like them and say “Amen!” not “How’s that?”

And, as I said before, one of the surest ways to safeguard our marriages against the world’s toxic thinking is by remembering that sex is a gift.

I = IMPORTANT

So if the G in GIFT stands for GOOD, the following letter,  I, reminds us that prioritizing sex in the context of marriage is IMPORTANT.

It’s certainly important to most husbands:

I saw a funny article just last week in The Babylon Bee entitled “Wives: 13 Subtle Signs Your Husband Is ‘In The Mood.’”

For those who don’t know, The Babylon Bee is a satirical news site that serves up hilarious headlines on the reg. It’s the site, in fact, whose attempted cancellation and censorship by Twitter inspired Elon Musk to buy that social media company for $44 BILLION, just so he could reinstate their account.

I’ll put a link to the “Subtle Signs” article in the show notes in case you want to read all of them. It was published on August 15, which I thought was fitting, since its our wedding anniversary – and I was telling my husband about it on the way home from dinner, because I knew he’d be able to relate.

But as soon as I read him the title, “13 Subtle Signs Your Husband May Be ‘in the Mood,” Doug laughed and said, #1: He’s alive.

And I said, no. That’s actually #2. Their list starts with…

1. He’s awake: Yup, he’s interested.
2. He’s breathing: A clear sign he’s in the mood to get down….

And it finished with …

12. He did the dishes, cleaned the bathroom, walked the dog, mowed the lawn, mulched the flowerbeds, finished the basement, and built a two-story addition behind the garage: Come on, the poor guy is desperate now, and…
13. He married you: A clear sign, especially if he’s also awake and breathing.

That last reason–he married you–is probably the most compelling of all. Because we read in 1 Corinthians,

"The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise the wife also to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise the husband also does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” - 1 Corinthians 7: 3-5

"Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love. Rejoice in the wife of your youth.” - Proverbs 5:18-19

Funny story: When one of my sons finished high school and was asked to submit a favorite Bible verse for a slide show that would play during graduation, that last passage, Prov. 5:18-19, is the one he sorely wanted to submit, which I can fully appreciate would be something any healthy, red-blooded young man would be looking forward to putting into practice someday when he married.

Nevertheless, I convinced my son that some folks in the audience might be scandalized by that selection and convinced him to pick a second favorite to send in to the graduation committee.

But, back to my point. Sex in marriage is important because:

Now, readers sometimes accuse me of advocating frequent sex in marriage because I’m afraid my husband will cheat on me if I don’t take care of him at home.

So let me be perfectly clear that, because I married a man of integrity, I believe he would strive to honor his marriage vows to me even if I didn’t have sex with him as frequently as I do. But we would both be missing out by that course of action, so why would I choose that?

Plus, we would both be more susceptible to sin’s seduction if we ignored God’s clear injunction to not deprive one another sexually.

That increased vulnerability to temptation is not just some conclusion I’ve arrived at after casual observation of failed marriages all around me. Again, the warning comes straight out of scripture:

 “Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” - 1 Corinthians 7:5

So my decision to prioritize sex in the context of marriage was not made in a spirit of FEAR, but of OBEDIENCE. I want to honor God’s Word, follow His clear instructions, and (hopefully) reap the benefits that come from ordering my life according to His design.

Jesus warned us in John 10:10, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.” Hasn’t that been Satan’s MO from the very beginning? The devil is powerless to create anything on his own—all he can do is take the good things God created and underine, twist, pervert, distort, and decimate them.

Satan “comes to steal, kill, and destroy,” but Jesus came so that we “would have life, and have it abundantly.”

And one grossly undervalued source of that abundance is the physical relationship shared by a husband and wife.

So, G-I-F-T. Sex as God designed it is GOOD, IMPORTANT, and…

F = FAR-REACHING

The benefits we reap through frequent sex with our spouse reach far beyond the immediate gratification we feel during the act itself – which is in perfect keeping with the way God does everything.

As we read in Isaiah 55:8-9,

"'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,' declares the LORD. 'For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so My ways are higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.’”

This thought is mirrored in Romans 11:33 ,

"O, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments, and untraceable His ways!"

It reminds me the couple who scrimped and saved to go a cruise, then stayed in their stateroom eating peanut butter and crackers at mealtime, because they didn’t realize all the food they could possibly eat and more was included in the price of their fare.

I think a lot of husbands and wives are subsisting on the equivalent of peanut butter and saltines, because they don’t fully understand or appreciate the depth of riches God has stored up for them in this GIFT of physical oneness.

Did you know, for instance, that having sex with your spouse holds the following benefits?

• It boosts immunity 
• Increases longevity
• Reduces your risk of heart disease 
• Wards off cancer (in fact, research has shown that increased oxytocin inhibits proliferation of prostate cancer in men and breast cancer in women) —The key here, as with many of the other benefits, is monogamous sex, since promiscuity can raise risk of cancer by 40%
• Sex also strengthens bones (through the release, in both husband and wife, of testosterone and growth hormones)
• It promotes better communication: Studies indicate frequent sex improves a woman’s ability to recognize, identify, and communicate emotions, and it also sharpens a man’s ability to read facial expressions. That would be helpful in marriage, don’t you think?
• Additionally, sex relieves anxiety and depression —> 
• In fact, a wife whose husband does not use a condom is less susceptible to depression than one whose partner does —> scientists think that may have something to do with the prostaglandin that is present in seminal emissions
• Along those same lines, even a husband’s sweat has been shown to have a surprisingly beneficial effect on a wife’s moods: it reduces stress; induces relaxation; even affects her menstrual cycles
• Sex also improves sleep — both partners sleep deeper after sex and wake up better rested
• And sex contributes to a more youthful appearance: Having sex at least 4X per week takes 10 years off a person’s apparent age. (Again: the key is monogamy, because sleeping around can age you prematurely)

This list of goes on and on and on. I feel a little like a snake oil salesman when I start listing all the various ways sex benefits us physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc.

And, keep in mind, those are just the benefits we happen to know about. Prioritizing sex in marriage – as God clearly commands us to do – likely has myriad more far-reaching effects than we can even imagine. It is truly marvelous and awe-inspiring just how much power God has packed into this wonderful GIFT He created for married couples to enjoy.

So far, we’ve seen that sex is GOOD, IMPORTANT, FAR-REACHING, and the last quality I’d like to discuss is the T, which stands for TESTIMONY

T = Testimony

An active sex life in marriage is a TESTIMONY to others. To understand this fact, we need only to read Ephesians 5:21-33.

"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

"Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her to sanctify her, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to Himself as a glorious church, without stain or wrinkle or any such blemish, but holy and blameless.

"In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. Indeed, no one ever hated his own body, but he nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church. For we are members of His body.

“'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' This mystery is profound, but I am speaking about Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."

So a strong, healthy, loving, thriving marriage is a testimony to the world. Did you catch that? Marriage is meant to illustrate Christ’s great love for the church (which is one reason Satan is trying so hard to destroy or redefine marriage). Our unity in marriage is a testimony to a lost world.

But it is also a testimony to our children. If we want our children to save sex for marriage – and we should – then we need to ask ourselves: Does my marriage relationship reassure them they’ll get to enjoy sex regularly once they do wed?

Think about that for a minute: Your relationship to your husband may be the only marriage book your children ever read. What lessons will they take with them when they leave home?

I hope one of the lessons they’ll take is the idea that sex is a wonderful GIFT – one that should be saved until marriage, then enjoyed frequently and with an overwhelming sense of gratitude in the context of marriage.