EP 110: On Joyful Motherhood

The Bible tells us children are a blessing, but we can sometimes lose sight of that fact amid all the diaper changes and temper tantrums and bedtime struggles. Then our joy dries up like a baby’s crusty drool on the shoulder of Mom’s T-shirt.

What can be done to regain it?

That’s the topic of this week’s podcast, sent in by a young mother who feels guilty for not being more joyful and playful. If you’ve ever struggled with such feelings, I hope you’ll listen in and be encouraged.

Are You a Joyful Mother?

Complete Transcript of Episode 110

Hello, friend. Welcome to Episode 110 of Loving Life at Home.

I’m back after a long break and ready to dig into my inbox again and address some of the questions that have piled up there lately, starting with one on the topic of joyful mothering.

One listener writes:

Can you relate to this mom’s description of her day-to-day life? I know I can. I well remember how overwhelmed I felt at that stage, when all my children were seven and under. It was brutal! I felt at times like I was barely treading water.

In fact, I was reminiscing about that time with my fourth-born last week – he and his wife currently have four themselves – and explaining how instructive and helpful it had been for me during that stage (when I was dealing with toddler meltdowns almost daily) to be able to observe how an older mom in my church handled the same kind of behavior from her toddler.

I’ll tell you exactly what she did in a little bit, because I quickly adopted the same, very effective, very Biblical approach, but my point in mentioning it right now is how my son reacted to the story. He said, Wow. “It’s surprising to think that at one time you were absorbing more parenting advice than you were distributing.”

That’s a good thing to keep in mind anytime you observe somebody a little further down the road than you are. They had to live a lot of life to get to that point! And if you keep praying for wisdom, rooting yourself in Scripture, and putting one foot in front of the other as you raise the children God has entrusted to your care, you will eventually get there, as well.

So, let’s go back to that original letter and answer it one section at a time.

First of all, this sweet mama writes that she’s been praying for my health for over a year. Thank you for doing that! Those prayers mean so much to me. And God has been faithful to honor them. I saw my oncologist again just yesterday, which I do every six months at this point.

We’re still awaiting the outcome from a circulating tumor DNA test – that one takes a few weeks to run — but all the preliminary results – my CBC and metabolic panel — from the blood they drew during that appointment look great. And I feel terrific, too, with no indication of remaining or recurrent disease. So I’m grateful for all of that.

Second, this mom’s letter mentions she’s been listening to and benefiting from my podcast, which also makes me happy. But then she shares her present struggle:

She says she’s feeling convicted about her motherhood struggle and “doesn’t want to be the ostrich mother God warns about in His Word.” Here I think she’s referencing Lamentations 4:3, which reads,

“Even jackals offer their breasts to nurse their young, but my people have become heartless like ostriches in the desert.”

And Job 39:14-17 elaborates further on this theme:

"The ostrich leaves her eggs on the ground and lets them warm in the sand. She forgets that a foot may crush them, or a wild animal may trample them.”

Well, I have quite a few thoughts on all the things this mom brings up. Certainly, there is no shortage of expectations  — high or low, for good or bad – that are heaped upon mothers by society, by spouses, by in-laws, and by their own hopes and dreams or sometimes even fears and worries or pride and arrogance.

But what we really need to know is, what does the Bible have to say about JOY? And what, exactly, does God expect from us in this area of service called motherhood?

A lot, it turns out. Beginning with the idea that…

1 – Joy is a by-product, not our goal

Should joy be evident in the life of a Christian? Absolutely, it should! After all, joy is among the traits listed in Galatians 5:22-23 as a characteristic fruit of the Spirit:

“...love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law.”

Unfortunately, when we try to pursue joy for joy’s sake, we end up getting the cart before the horse.

Even in the passage we just read from the book of Job about the cruelty of mother ostriches, if you back up a verse, you’ll see it begins by saying, “The wings of the ostrich flap joyfully, but cannot match the pinions and feathers of the stork….”

The ostrich looks pretty happy, as if it’s having a lot of fun, whenever it wildly waves its wings and flaps those fancy feathers. Certainly, it can attract a lot of attention that way. But what it can’t do is fly. It will never soar through the skies, never experience that feeling of weightlessness when all the worries of the world fall away as it glides effortlessly through the clouds.

So too, it’s helpful for us to remember that joy is much more than a bright smile or some bubbly affect that we put on for show. Not that there’s anything wrong with a happy face or an ardent voice. But true joy penetrates far beneath such outward expressions. It is a deep and abiding exuberance that springs from the fountain of living water that never will run dry – which is Christ Himself.

Remember what Jesus said in John 4:14?

“…whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life.”

Joy has that as its source. It is the natural outflow of a purpose-driven life, rooted in Christ and lived to God’s glory. When we forgo living a Christ-centered life in order to pursue personal happiness as an end in itself, we become guilty of the same sin God calls out in Jeremiah 2:13. There He proclaims through the words of the prophet,

“For My people have committed two evils: They have forsaken Me, the fountain of living water, and they have dug their own cisterns—broken cisterns that cannot hold water.”

This is what happens when we start looking to something else – including our marriage or our children or a circle of friends or popular parenting methods or favorite Pinterest boards or Instagram accounts or anything other than the LORD Jesus Christ to fill our cup of joy to overflowing. So let’s be careful to guard against any such idolatry.

One very practical way we can do this is by learning to…

2 – View motherhood as a ministry

Instead of making it your goal to be happy or joyful, make it your goal to honor and glorify God in everything you do – just as 1 Corinthians 10:31 commands. This should naturally include the way you mother your children.

C.S. Lewis offers moms this timeless reminder: “Children are not a distraction from more important work, they are the most important work.”

Consider your child-training a sacrifice of praise to the LORD. Do that work heartily, as if serving Him rather than man, because that is in fact what you are doing.

Jesus says in Matthew 10:42,

“And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones because he is My disciple, truly I tell you, he will never lose his reward.”

Later, in Matthw 25:34-40, Christ is sharing a parable about a king who commends his servants by saying,

“ I was hungry and you gave Me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave Me something to drink, I was a stranger and you took Me in, I was naked and you clothed Me, I was sick and you looked after Me, I was in prison and you visited Me.’”

And when his servants protested that they had never done any of those things, he explains,

“Verily I say unto you, inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.”

If that won’t shift your perspective toward all the countless demands motherhood forces upon us, I don’t know what will.

Psalms 113:9 tells us that God

 “...makes the barren woman abide in the house as a joyful mother of children. Praise the LORD!” 

Isn’t “joyful” is a fitting descriptor for a mission-minded mom who spends her time training up the next generation in the fear and admonition of the LORD?

Proverbs 31 further describes the work of a virtuous mother:

• she prepares food for her family (v 14-15)
• she makes sure all the members of her household are properly clothed (v 21)
• she opens her mouth with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue” (v 26)
• she watches over the affairs of her household and doesn’t eat the bread of idleness” (v 27)

I love what Elisabeth Elliot has to say about motherhood:

Which brings me to the next step:

3 – Look to Jesus for help

Perhaps parenting the next generation was part of the yoke Jesus had in mind when He bids his followers,

"Come to Me, all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

Are you like that overstimulated mom who admitted in today’s opening letter that she purposefully stays busy to avoid being “down” within arm’s reach? If so, then guess what? This verse is for you, too! Christ bids you to bring all your heavy burdens, all your feelings of guilt, all your exhaustion and overstimulation, all your struggles and sadness to Him so that, in its place, He can nourish and fortify your soul and give you real, regular, restorative rest.

There is so much wisdom in tackling problems head-on instead of searching for the nearest exit. Avoidance tactics rarely result in the resiliently strong and joyfully content lives we crave. But when we “trust in the Lord with all [our] heart and lean not on [our] own understanding,” He will take us exactly where we need to go. And He’ll walk alongside us every step of the way. (see Proverbs 3:5-6 and Psalm 23:4)

When we view whatever parenting struggles we’re facing from an eternal perspective, it can make all the difference in the world. We need to ask God to help us see our problems from His vantage point.

Which brings me to my next point, which is to…

4 – Pray without ceasing

Yet, even if a mother regards her offspring as an onerous duty or intractable liability, it doesn’t alter what the LORD requires of her. As Jesus told His disciples in Luke 14:27,

“Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after Me cannot be my disciple.” 

Whether then we look at our children as fellow travelers along life’s path or as a flock of lambs we are shepherding toward streams of Living Water or as a strenuous load that is weighing us down every struggling step of the way, our mission remains the same: We are to deny ourselves, take up our cross, and follow Him. (Matthew 16:24) 

Motherhood is a sanctifying undertaking. At least, it can be, if you’ll allow God to use it to that end. 

Certainly, there are mothers who stubbornly cling to their selfish ways despite having given birth, even multiple times over. But when we willingly and joyfully submit to the transformation God longs to accomplish in every believer’s heart, motherhood can become one of the gentlest and pleasantest means through which He works. 

Next, number…

5 – Seek out wise mentors

I’m pretty sure this was the topic of my very first podcast – finding wise mentors. I’ll double check that and link the episode in today’s show notes. But, as I mentioned earlier, I found it so helpful and instructive — especially during the early years of my mothering journey – to kindle friendships with older women who were a little further down life’s path than I was, especially with regard to raising children.

As noted before, God generously gives wisdom to all who ask—and I was definitely begging for insight and answers during those early years of parenting, something I’ve continued to do through each successive stage, as well!)

I was blessed, not only to have a faithful example of Biblical parenting in my own dear mother, and to have stumbled upon and devoured the works of godly authors such as Elisabeth Elliot, Edith Schaeffer, and the like, but also to know a few real-life “older women” who (1) had managed, thanks to the unsurpassed grace of God, to raise cheerful, well-adjusted, respectful children who have continued to walk in the Truth well into adulthood and who (2) were willing to give both biblically sound and mercifully practical answers to the countless questions younger moms like me peppered them with at every opportunity.

Because, the truth is, I can remember my own home sometimes feeling like the mad house the overstimulated author of today’s letter describes. How did she say it? “Like wrestle mania meets Hollywood drama?”

That’s a fairly apt description when mama is outnumbered by preschoolers and they all decide to pitch a fit at the same time.

I especially remember the routine battles we encountered at bedtime when our first few children were little. By the time our third was born, getting the kids to sleep had evolved into a three-hour nightly ordeal.

Although the term had not yet been coined, I guess you might say we had unwittingly subscribed to our own version of “gentle parenting,” having falsely conflated loving our children with letting them have their own way. After all, none of us would willfully deny our children any legitimate need, would we? And don’t kids know and understand their own needs better than we do?

I didn’t really believe that, but my son’s Type 1 diabetes diagnosis at 22 months and the baby’s severe colic complicated matters and convinced me that, in our case, maybe the kids did know best – particularly at bedtime.

So we dutifully honored every request for one more drink, one more hug, one more book, one more trip to the bathroom, one more really important thing they forgot to tell us earlier, one more kiss, one more prayer, one more fresh grief in search of sympathy, one more bump or bruise in need of a Band-aid, one more irrational fear to soothe and banish, one more stuffed animal, one more turn in the rocking chair, one more night light, one more lullaby, one more “I love you,” one more “good night.” 

Only it wasn’t good.
It was the opposite of good.
Our bedtime routine was completely insane. 

And, had we kept it up, there is no way we would ever have gone on to have twelve children. We were grumpy. We were exhausted. We didn’t have a minute to call our own, to relax as a couple, to nurture our marriage. 

Something had to give.

Thankfully, I consulted one of those wonderful mentors who was further down the parenting road than I, and she fortified my resolve to turn that nightly chaos around. When that wise mama first explained what would be required to achieve my goal—establishing a consistent bedtime routine (which for us meant Bible, book, bath, pajamas, potty, prayer, brush teeth, get a drink, give hugs, and lights out), then sticking with it faithfully and standing guard outside my children’s bedroom door to make sure they didn’t creep back out of bed once I’d put them down—I envisioned having to maintain that same level of laser focus for three solid hours every single night for the rest of my life. 

Or at least until all my children grew up and left home.

Yet, much to my astonished delight, that’s not at all how it played out. It only took about 20-30 minutes of guard duty for 3-4 nights in a row to firmly establish the desired routine and convince our children to cooperate. After that, it was smooth sailing. It felt almost miraculous!

Occasionally — after a move, a new baby, or a long trip tempted our kids to start pushing the envelope again – we’d have to repeat the process and stand guard for another 3-4 nights. But that only happened once every year or two. It was the exception, not the rule.

Thanks to this brand of “bootcamp parenting,” my husband and I were far happier and more energetic, our children were more cheerful and better rested, and our evenings were significantly more enjoyable, peaceful, and productive.  

We had a game plan for preemptively addressing our children’s needs. And we were committed to lovingly but firmly requiring them to stay in bed and get the sleep they so desperately needed, so we could do the same. Having this consistent routine totally transformed our attitude toward bedtime—and toward our children—and it made us wonder, why on earth didn’t we try this sooner?

In retrospect, I am so thankful to have seen early on what a stark contrast existed between when my children were calling all the shots at bedtime and when we as the parents were in control. When my kids were dictating exactly how and when our days drew to a close, I definitely felt exhausted and overstimulated instead of joyful and loving and playful – just like the mom in today’s letter. Just like a lot of other moms I’ve met lately.

That fact, coupled with the mention of “big feelings and shows of emotion and sudden throw downs on the living room floor” makes me wonder if something similar is going on in other families.

There is a parenting philosophy popular these days that emphasizes empathy and understanding and validating big emotions rather than correcting and providing any kind of consequence or discipline. However, the way this practice plays out in a lot of families is with parents ignoring bad behavior, rewarding bad attitudes, and never telling their children “no.”

Yet this advice stands in contrast to the responsibility God’s Word lays upon parents:

The message in all these verses is clear: Parents who love their children will take time to teach and correct and discipline them. And they’ll start such training early.

I think many modern parents have (mistakenly) assumed that any annoying aspects of their children’s behavior are just a “stage” they’ll eventually outgrow. Unfortunately, unless poor attitudes and bad habits are lovingly and consistently addressed now, while children are still young and impressionable, they’re aren’t likely to go away. Instead, left unaddressed, they’ll probably become more firmly entrenched than ever.

Which brings me to my last tip:

# 6 – Train your children while they’re young

I know it may not seem like it while you are still bleary-eyed from lack of sleep after being woken up twenty times a night by a colicky newborn or a sick toddler or a child who screams for mama every time he has a bad dream. But the time when your children are so little and needy and clingy is such a short season. Don’t squander it or wish it away, but use it wisely.

Back to that letter which started this episode, from the mama who finds herself struggling to be more joyous and playful – if you’ve been plagued by similar thoughts, I’d encourage you to examine what is really going on in your heart.

Perhaps you are feeling resentful toward your children. Upset over their neediness. Angry that the chores you did yesterday have to be done all over again today and will need to be completed yet again the following day and the day after that. If so, then the conviction you are feeling may truly be from the LORD, and I’d suggest you ask Him to increase your love for your family and help you tend to all those seemingly endless, mundane tasks in wholehearted devotion to Him.

But maybe the reason you feel exhausted and devoid of joy has more to do with the style of parenting you are attempting than it does with the ages of your children. Perhaps you have unrealistic expectations about what mothering a houseful of young children is supposed to look like. Maybe you’ve spent enough time scrolling social media feeds to notice all the clever crafts and beautiful DIY nurseries and coordinating clothes and elaborate birthday parties and outdoor movie nights and extended family vacations that other moms are posting, and it makes you feel as if you’ll never measure up.

If that’s the case, and seeing such content inspires more envy, jealousy, and discontentment than it does creativity and can-do encouragement, then get off the platform.

Don’t let somebody else’s highlight reels on Instagram make you feel like a failure.

Just put down your phone and focus on all the things you can do that are right in front of you, like:

• reading books to your toddler
• watching your grade schooler climb trees or turn cartwheels
• playing a quick card game, like Go Fish or Old Maid
• preparing simple snacks to share picnic-style on the porch steps or under a nearby tree
• pulling out the stroller for a short walk around the block in the fresh air and sunshine.

None of these things take more than 10-15 minutes, but they’ll hopefully spark some joy. They’ll help your children view you as being more playful (seriously—you don’t have to be down on the floor with them 24/7 building with blocks or dressing baby dolls for them to consider you a fun and playful Mama. A few minutes here and there will often do the trick).

And they’ll help form the strong, loving connections both children and their parents crave.

Christian author Sharon Jaynes once wrote,

Let this be true of you.
Don’t give up.
Don’t get discouraged.

And don’t grow weary in doing good, for in due season you will reap if you don’t lose heart.

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