EP 102: My Daughter Just Eloped (& Why That Makes Me Happy)

My daughter eloped last week, and I couldn’t be more delighted. Yet some of my friends are baffled by this reaction. So I’m unpacking the reasons I think it was a smart move on this week’s episode of Loving Life at Home. Listen in and let me know what you think!

My Daughter Just Eloped

Full Transcript from Episode 102

Hello, Friend. Welcome to Episode 102 of Loving Life at Home. I have some very exciting news to share this week. I spent 5 days in Kansas last week cheering on my youngest daughter, Abby, who was competing in a national volleyball tournament. Her JV team won first place in their division, by the way. That’s cool, of course, but that’s not the biggest surprise.

The real news is that, while we were out of town at the tournament, my next oldest daughter, Abby’s sister Rachel, was back at home, appearing before the justice of the peace to get married to a young man named Micah, whom she had only known for 10 weeks the day they wed.

When I’ve told people about my daughter’s elopement, they’ve all seemed astonished. They cannot imagine how, as the mother of the bride, I am not only okay with all this, but am genuinely delighted.

So, I thought I’d use my podcast episode this week to discuss the reasons behind my reaction, of which I can think of at least half a dozen, right off the top of my head:

1. It was an answer to prayer.

First of all, I view Micah as an answer to prayer. And I’ve been a Christian long enough to realize God does not always answer our prayers in the conventional ways we would envision or expect. Rarely does He do things exactly as we might’ve planned them ourselves, but that doesn’t mean He isn’t hard at work behind the scenes orchestrating all of it according to His divine plan and in His perfect timing.

The fact is, we’ve been praying that the LORD would send each of our girls a godly man who would cherish and protect her and be a strong spiritual leader and a devoted husband to his wife and a loving father to their children.

And I’m convinced God has faithfully answered those prayers for Rachel in sending Micah into her life – in fact, as Ephesians 3:20 observes, He has done “exceedingly abundantly beyond all we ask or think.”

Moreover, he has done the same thing for Micah. He and his family have undoubtedly been praying for his future spouse just as fervently. Proverbs 18:22 tells us, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD.” – and that is exactly what Rachel is to him: a good wife and the answer to all those many prayers.

2. He showed initiative.

Second, I’m so grateful to see a young man who willingly takes the initiative. He finished college, got a job, and was ready to find a wife. And with God’s blessing, that’s exactly what he did. And I’m glad!

A lot of men at that age and stage drag their feet.

• Maybe they’re just content with the status quo.
• Maybe they’re worried about taking on the responsibility of a family – that’s a big commitment, after all.
• Maybe they’ve tried in the past and feel gun-shy after too many girls – or even just one — did not accept the date or return the affection or share the same level of interest in building a future together.
• Maybe they are addicted to things that have dampened their natural drive in this area.
• Maybe they’ve not yet met a girl they’d like to spend the rest of their life with.
• Maybe they’re paralyzed by a seemingly endless supply of choices, so they keep swiping left.

It could be a combination of these things or something entirely different.

The point is, when you encounter a young man who knows exactly what he’s looking for and is willing to put in the work to pursue it with his whole heart, it is like a breath of fresh air.

3. We knew his family.

Of course, it helped that — third — we’d already met several members of his family, including both his parents and several siblings.

Several years ago, I hosted a bridal shower for the daughter of a friend of ours who just happened to be engaged to Micah’s brother. So I met his mother and brother and a couple of sisters at that wedding shower and was so impressed with all of them.  

Then about two weeks after that shower, my husband and I hosted a political fundraiser in our home for another friend, and Micah’s father was on that guest list. We really liked him, as well. He’d been in the military, just like my husband. And he and his wife had twelve children, just like Doug and I do (in fact, Micah and Rachel were both #8 of 12 in birth order – what are the odds of that?)

We tried at the time to invite the whole family over for dinner, but I only had contact information for the husband, so I emailed or texted him trying to get through to his wife, but I’m sure the text got lost in the shuffle – which is understandable, since they were in the middle of planning a wedding at the time. However, I felt weird about messaging a married man a second time, so I never pursued it again after that.

But, fast forward five years, and my friend whose daughter married Micah’s brother, ended up setting  Micah up with Rachel.

Rachel had moved to Germany to work as an au pair and was finishing out the last two weeks of her contract. But the minute Micah got her phone number, he texted Rachel and asked whether she’d be willing to visit with him on the phone. Which I’m pretty sure they did every day for those last two weeks – taking turns staying up late or getting up super early in the morning to video chat across time zones during non-working hours.

Micah was so clear about his intentions from the get-go and asked Rachel before she ever flew home whether he should call her dad and ask permission to date her. I know a lot of people – evidently including a few in my own family — who think you should date for at least a year before tying the knot, but in all fairness, Micah and Rachel crammed about a year’s worth of dating into two months because, once she was back state-side, they went out nearly every day – I think they only missed seeing each other two days in eight weeks, when one of them was out of town — and often multiple times a day – breakfast, lunch, and dinner!

Of course, they had a lot of great conversations during all those dates, and it quickly became apparent that their goals for their future aligned perfectly, so neither my husband nor I was surprised when Micah called a week ago to ask for our blessing on their decision to marry.

Which, of course, we gladly gave.

Actually, he asked for my husband’s blessing, because I was already asleep in bed when he called. And he assured Doug he had fully planned to ask for our blessing in person, but he was out of town and just wanted to get the go ahead right then and there.

He told Doug he loves our daughter and wants to spend the rest of his life with her and, by the way, would it be okay with us if they just eloped?

Doug told him that was okay with us as long as it was okay with Rachel, which it was. She had confided to her own sisters back in March – long before she had ever even met Micah – that she’d be willing to forgo a fancy wedding and an exotic honeymoon if it meant she could get married and start having babies sooner. And, guess what? Eight months later, she got her wish!

Well, Rachel was with Micah when he called. They and several of his siblings had driven to Indiana together to attend a friend’s wedding. So, we really thought they might come home married, because in Indinana, there is no forced cooling off period between filing for a marriage license and going before the justice of the peace. In Texas, you have to wait 72 hours between getting your license and actually getting married. But in Indiana, you can do both in a single trip to the courthouse.

Unfortunately for Micah and Rachel, they didn’t realize that. And Micah also didn’t realize he had her ring with him in the car. He had ordered it a couple of weeks earlier, and it arrived in the mail right before they let. But Rachel drove up before Micah’s sister could hand it off, and when she tried to do so later when Rachel wasn’t looking, Micah didn’t understand and just tossed the package in the back of the car with the rest of the luggage and told everyone it was time to hit the road.

So, really, they could’ve been married even sooner. Although Rachel says that might’ve made the ride home a little awkward –newlyweds in the front seat, younger brothers and sisters in the back.

So they filed for the license the morning after they made it home after taking engagement photos on the same lake where they’d had their first date two months earlier. I asked Rachel if Micah proposed in the canoe they’d previously paddled, and she said he popped the question on shore, instead. Which was a smart move. Can’t you just imagine how easily the canoe would tip when he took a knee, and how quickly that diamond would sink to the bottom of the lake if it slipped out of his hand before he got it on her finger?

But Micah’s a mechanical engineer and is way too smart for taking an unnecessary risk like that.

Anyway, they filed for their marriage license at 10:15 on Tuesday—but when Micah requested a 10:15 appointment with the justice of the peace on Friday (exactly 72 hours later), the clerk laughed and told him appointments were only available in half-hour increments, so they’d have to wait until 10:30!

4. They were trying to obey Scripture.

A fourth reason I was happy for my daughter to elope is given in 1 Corinthians 7:9, where Paul writes: “…it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”

The Bible is clear in its teaching that sex is something God designed for couples to enjoy only within the confines of marriage. And men and women who uphold such a standard will naturally feel a greater sense of urgency for tying the knot than those who don’t. That tension of wanting to be together but also wanting to do things in the proper order is a great motivator toward marriage – and that is also why it’s so important not to spend time dating anyone you wouldn’t be willing to marry. Because the more time you spend one-on-one with a person of the opposite sex, the greater the risk you’ll fall in love with them. Which is a dangerous thing to do with somebody who doesn’t share your life goals and core values.

Fortunately, Micah and Rachel were on the same page in all those important areas – values, beliefs, goals, standards, and a willingness to commit their life and love to one another just as soon as they’d talked through all those other areas and made sure they were fully aligned.

And once that figured out they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together, they wanted to get busy doing exactly that.

Which leads me to the fifth reason I’m so happy about their elopement, which is the fact they share a deep desire for building a family.

5. They’re eager to start a family.

They both want to have babies – and lots of them – starting right away. And they both want to homeschool them when the time comes.

As someone who got pregnant two weeks into my own honeymoon then spent the next quarter century either pregnant or nursing or both, all the while homeschooling the children God blessed me and my husband with, I wholeheartedly approve this plan.

But, here again, couples who do not fully embrace God’s purpose for passion in marriage end up missing out. I actually wrote a book on this topic called Love Your Husband, Love Yourself – it’s a “why to” book, not a “how to” — and I gave Rachel a copy about three days before her scheduled elopement. I’ll be sure to link it in the show notes.

Interestingly, I recently read another marriage book and was a little baffled by the author’s short list of the purposes of physical intimacy: it included “fun” and “closeness” but did not so much as mention reproduction. While it is definitely true that sex can draw a couple close and can also be lots of fun, those authors missed a huge piece of the puzzle by not including procreation as one of the primary purposes of sexual intercourse. Without it, the human race would’ve died out long ago. Closeness and fun are more like fringe benefits, as is stress relief.

Which brings me to the sixth reason I’m happy my daughter eloped. And that’s the fact that eloping can be a very low stress way to tie the knot.

6. They skipped the stress & expense.

As of last week, six of our twelve children are now married. That’s fully half of our kids now who’ve found wonderful spouses. And fully half of those eloped before their formal wedding ceremony.

For them, that ceremony was just a public celebration with friends and family of the commitment they’d already made and had begun living out in private. And I’m okay with that.

Weddings have become such elaborate – and expensive — affairs.  Some brides spend years planning “the perfect” wedding. They have dream dresses and Pinterest boards and wedding planners and lavish venues and bachelorette parties and florists and photographers and caterers and hair and makeup specialists and endless guest lists and I don’t know what else.

And if those things are important to you and you can afford them, that’s fine. But we shouldn’t pretend that such fanfare is really necessary or makes you any more genuinely married than a quick visit to the justice of the peace.

In fact, some studies “indicate that there is an inverse relationship between cost of the wedding and length of the marriage… the more you spend, the higher your risk for divorce.”

That’s not very reassuring, is it?

Part of the problem may be the high expectations and feelings of let down that follow – regular, day-to-day life feels a bit boring after being the center of attention on such a big day.

Part of the problem may be the debt such over-the-top celebrations incur.

Part may be the stress a huge wedding puts on everyone involved.

Part may be due to the fact so much thought and energy is put into the big day that little attention was left for the life that would follow. Almost like the wedding day was a finish line for all the preparations leading up to it, rather than the starting line for the marriage it was meant to celebrate.

Whatever the underlying dynamics, researchers from Emory University report that “women whose weddings cost $20,000 or more were 3.5 times more likely to end up divorced than women who spend a more modest $5,000 to $10,000. Moreover, those who spent $1,000 or less on a wedding (men or women) were at an even lower risk of divorce.”

This study, as well as the one I’m about to tell you about were both cited in a Psychology Today article I’ll link in the show notes, in case you’re interested in reading more.

The second study was done by researchers at the University of Virginia. They looked at the guest list instead of the total spend and found that not only is “having a formal wedding associated with happier marriages” but that the more guests a couple has at their wedding ceremony,  the better their marriage tends to fare.

Fortunately, it doesn’t have to be either-or.

My kids – including Rachel and Micah — have opted for the best of both worlds. Even the ones who eloped still had formal ceremonies. They were all beautifully unique but also very budget friendly: Church weddings. Second-hand gowns. Homemade cakes. Backyard receptions, and the like.

My husband and I took the same tack when we married. I sewed my own dress and made all the bouquets and boutonnieres for the wedding, and had one friend take my bridal portraits and another videotape the ceremony. My mother sewed my petticoat from scratch, made fruit and cheese platters for the reception, and had her Sunday school class cook and serve spaghetti for the rehearsal dinner.

I’ve attended lots of other weddings that were joint efforts as well. I remember one reception, in particular, where instead of a traditional white wedding cake, they offered a lovely selection of bundt cakes that friends of the bride had baked, all displayed beautifully on a variety of crystal cake stands interspersed with twinkling white Christmas lights. Isn’t that brilliant?

Certainly, this is more akin to the wedding ceremonies many of our grandparents enjoyed. Many of them got married in their Sunday best – no white lace dress, no matching bridesmaids, no Pinterest-perfect receptions. And yet the majority of marriages in that generation lasted until death claimed one or both of the spouses.

As for Rachel and Micah, they are happily planning a formal wedding ceremony to take place in November while all their siblings are gathered for Thanksgiving. That will be well over 80 people, just between both their immediate families. Add in a few faithful friends, and it will be a wonderful celebration, I’m sure.

And the nice thing is, if it turns into a late night and they feel totally exhausted once the ceremony is over and all the guests have gone home – as is the case for a lot of brides and grooms — it won’t really matter, because by that time, they will have already enjoyed a six-week long honeymoon and, if they need to rest, they can take the night off without anyone being bitterly disappointed!

So… those are my thoughts about my daughter’s recent elopement. I’m honestly so very happy for her, and so very happy to welcome her new husband into our family. And the fact that this time just three short months ago, she hadn’t the faintest inkling of how dramatically her life was about to change for the better is testament to the fact God is able orchestrate such incredible blessings beyond all we hope and think, and that He delights in giving good and perfect gifts to His children in His good and perfect timing.

The Word of God is full of wisdom for every facet of life, but we’ve found it especially helpful in building a happy, healthy marriage. For a fascinating look at how science has confirmed the superiority of God’s design, check out my book Love Your Husband/Love Yourself.