EP 69: When Things Don’t Go As Planned

The best laid plans sometimes go awry. How should we respond when that happens? That’s what we’re discussing on Loving Life at Home this week: What should one do when things don’t go as planned?

What to Do When Plans Go Awry

Complete Transcript for Episode 69

Hello, friend. And welcome to episode 69 of Loving Life at Home. Today’s topic? When Things Don’t Go Like You Planned

This is a lesson I’ve been relearning myself lately, which is part of the reason I haven’t dropped a new episode of this podcast in the last couple of weeks.

Of course, I know so many folks are so very busy this time of year, I didn’t really think anybody would notice if I missed a week or three. But gues what? Somebody did notice! And I got the sweetest email from her on Saturday. She writes:

Hello, Jennifer.

I found your podcast this fall during a difficult season of transition….

I’m a motherless mother and have had to carve my own path out in life, motherhood and marriage. It’s been lonely and overwhelming pretty regularly and I have been praying for God to help me through. 

The Lord answers prayers and He has been showing me wonderful playlists and podcasts to encourage me. 

Your podcast has been the biggest blessing of them all and I listen to every single episode. I’ve printed various printables from your website and am implementing them, to my sanity’s saving Grace! Ha Ha! 

… I decided to bake some Christmas cookies this evening and plug into some edifying stuff to uplift my mood. Immediately I went to your podcast!

That’s when I noticed you hadn’t dropped a new episode for a bit and I just wanted to check on you. Your podcast is such a blessing to me and my walk as a Christian wife and mom. 

I’m literally out here paving my own way without a mother, any female mentors or even a general maternal influence. It’s been really wonderful to finally have such a love and Faith filled influence in my life through your stories and advice.

If you’re simply taking a holiday break, I will feel so relieved when I see the next episode drop. LOL

If you have fallen ill, I pray for a swift recovery and for you to have had plenty of rest. If you’re scaling back to enjoy your family then I pray the Holy Spirit floods your home and your families interactions with one another so you may all soak up the love you’ve so beautifully cultivated. 

Thank you for all of the time and energy you have put into sharing your warmth and wisdom. You are a true blessing. 

Well, as you might imagine, that email just made my day. Words of encouragement are my love language, as are prayers offered up to God on my behalf, and this young mother’s sweet message filled my cup to overflowing. So—if you are listening– thank you for that.

As it happens, every one of this young mom’s conjectures as to why I hadn’t posted on my normal weekly schedule were true.

• Although I hadn’t planned to take a holiday break, that is what happened.
• As for being sick, I feel great, but just before Thanksgiving, I did discover a suspicious lump in a lymph node under my arm which I hope to have checked out this week, so I’d appreciate continued prayer concerning that.
• And I’ve also been spending a lot of time with family, as we just returned from our annual, week-long trip to San Antonio…

If you want to know how our San Antonio trips usually go, you can find details for all the fun, free things our family does there in Episode 23 of this podcast under the name “A Hill Country Christmas.”

Normally, at the top of every vacation itinerary I publish is a note that reads “all details subject to change without notice” in deference to Proverbs 16:9,  which tells us:

“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.”

However, this year, we deviated from our plan far more than we ever have before and for reasons that were entirely unexpected, starting the day before we ever left when my 2-year-old grandson, who was supposed to be napping at a relative’s house, instead used that time to explore his new surroundings. But, of course, he did it very quietly, so nobody would suspect.  And while digging around in places that would’ve better been left alone, my grandson found – and swallowed – some medication that wasn’t stored in a sufficiently childproof container.

To be honest, his own father did something similar around the same age when he found a year’s supply of heart worm medicine for our dog – which I thought was safely tucked away in the pet supply box on a high shelf in our garage – but he found it, anyway, and managed to open and eat every single one of about 10 individually wrapped tablets… tablets that required a pair of scissors for me to get out of their protective plastic sleeves. Yet that protective wrap didn’t seem to deter my two-year-old a bit.

In his case, when I called Poison Control, they just laughed and told me, “Well, at least your son won’t be getting heartworms anytime soon.” Thankfully, the dog’s meds were evidently harmless to people – including determined toddlers who’ll put anything in their mouth.

Sadly, that wasn’t the case for our grandson with the meds he ingested. Nope. He ended up having to be sedated, intubated, and flown to Dallas in a helicopter, instead. Praise be to our merciful God, he pulled through and seems to be doing great now with no lasting adverse effects. But the situation felt very touch-and-go for a few days there.

Anyway, that whole unexpected crisis caused him and his parents to miss our family’s annual Christmas trip entirely, and it delayed the time of departure for the rest of us.

Then, the day after the majority of us arrived in San Antonio, we got a call from our oldest daughter, Bethany, who was driving down to meet us when her car broke down right outside of Fredricksburg (which was convenient in the sense that we had planned to spend the day there anyway, climbing Enchanted Rock, visiting the quaint little shops along Main Street, eating German food, and touring the local pioneer museum (which offers free admission on the first Saturday of every month).

But it was inconvenient as far as towing companies were concerned – at least the first one we called, who kept us waiting for three hours despite multiple assurances from AAA that they’d be there in [another] hour. Finally, we gave up and called a different service man who left a warm house and a close game to come rescue us in the rain. But that sidetracked most of my plans for that day, too.

And then we missed a scheduled tour of the San Antonio Shoe factory because a young girl who was following too close, driving too fast, and not paying attention plowed into us when my husband slowed down to make a turn, and we had to wait for the police to show up and file a report.

Several other things come up during the week, as well, which forced us to be flexible and adjust our plans.

The entire escapade reminded me of something Kurt Vonegut once said: “Unexpected travel plans are dancing lessons from God.” Well, I wouldn’t say any of us have mastered the fox trot or tango or macarena or whatever dance God’s been trying to teach us, but we’ve certainly gotten a lot of first-hand instruction lately!

Which is why today I’d like to discuss a good strategy for how to respond when your best-laid plans don’t materialize.

1 – Hold onto your faith

Maybe things aren’t going according to YOUR plans, but remember: God is still in control.

Matt 10:29-31 tells us, “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”

Whatever you are going through right now, God sees. He knows. None of it has taken Him by surprise. But If you love the Lord and have placed your full hope and trust in Him, then He promises to be right there, in your midst, working all things together for your good and His glory, as we read in Romans 8:28.

2 – Look on the bright side

One of the things that had me feeling a little sad about this trip is the fact that my husband sold our 12-passenger van earlier this year, and this was the first time we’ve gone that all our kids – or at least the ones still living at home — weren’t able to fit into one vehicle for the drive down.

So five of them were packed into my son’s car, and for most of our time on the road, it was just me and Doug and my mother alone in the truck. So I was getting an early taste of what an empty nest may feel like.

However, as my mother was so good to point out to me, it ended up being a good thing we weren’t all in one car, because that allowed the three of us to deal with tow trucks and police reports without ruining everyone else’s time. As it was, we talked and told stories and listened to audiobooks and addressed Christmas cards and did some needlework and made all kinds of productive use of out of the waiting time, while everybody else continued on without us. So that really was a blessing for all involved – especially all those littles in car seats who would’ve been going absolutely bonkers sitting on the side of the road in a rainstorm.

The thing is, when we count our blessings instead of wallowing in our disappointments, it makes the experience much more pleasant for everyone involved.

3 – Be flexible

Obviously, I think there is prudence in planning ahead, which is why I do it. But you can’t get married to those plans – you’ve got to hold them with an open hand, which is exactly what James 4:13-15 tells us to do:

“Come now, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.’  Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. For you are just a vapor that appears for a little while, and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, ‘If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that.’” 

I have a friend whose young son – many, many years ago — spent several weeks mapping out exactly how he wanted his birthday party to pan out, right down to the minutest detail. But then, when his oblivious little party guests showed up and didn’t behave precisely the way the birthday boy had envisioned, it ruined the entire party for him. He was so distraught, in fact, that I think he spent most of the afternoon sobbing in his room. He couldn’t enjoy the many fun things that did happen at the party, because he couldn’t let go of his own preferences and embrace a plan that took the needs and interests of others into account.

Well, that was a great object lesson for all of us, and one I’ve often reflected on over the years. Learning how to graciously pivot from what you’d hoped would happen to the reality in which you find yourself is such a useful skill.

And it’s one that dovetails nicely with Philippians 2: 4, “do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.”

So, when you have to rearrange plans or cut one outing short because little ones need naps or pregnant mamas need food or adventurers took longer than expected exploring that cave, you can do so with no hard feelings, because your itinerary isn’t set in stone – it’s just a guideline to follow if circumstances allow it. (And if you can’t fit something in this trip, you can always try again next year.)

4 – Maintain a sense of humor

closely related to looking for silver linings. Prov 17:22 tells us “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.” I didn’t fully appreciate what a great stress reliever a good sense of humor can be until I married my husband. A house full of laughter is a continual feast and makes it so easy to rejoice always.

And fortunately, most of my children have inherited their father’s great sense of humor and superb timing, which was demonstrated over lunch one day when we were having a late lunch at the Lucky Thai Sushi Bar. Most of us love this place, and we try to eat there every time we go to San Antonio, because it is walking distance to Yanaguana Gardens & Playground and La Vallita and the River Walk, and there’s inexpensive parking right next to the restaurant.

So, on this particular day, we’d had to ditch our morning plans, and decided to drive straight to the restaurant. Now we had taken three of our older grandkids on the trip with us because their parents had to work. So, theoretically, we were in charge of them.

But I usually bring crafts to keep all the little ones occupied at restaurants so they won’t be tempted to squirm or run around or make a lot of noise while we’re waiting for our food to arrive, which can take a long time for the size group we usually have. But I was so distracted with the younger grandkids that I hadn’t paid attention to what the older grandkids were ordering.

And, also, you should know that my sweet, generous husband is bit of a pushover when kids or grandkids want to order sodas or sweet tea– things I would normally say no to, because (1) water is much better for them and (2) it’s free. When you have a group of 25-30 people eating together, you could easily add an extra $100 or more to your tab by allowing everyone to order off the drink menu.

My kids know this and normally cooperate, but the grandkids sometimes need a reminder, which I normally provide before we ever leave home. I’ll sit them down and say, “Remember now, we are going to drink water only at every meal. Do not even ask grandpa about getting anything else. I’ll buy everybody a soda the day we tour San Antonio Shoes, because you can get them there for only 5-cents.”

But between having one grandbaby in the hospital and the fact that those grandkids were traveling in a different car, I kept forgetting to remind them and they were going hog wild on the sugary drinks every time I turned around.

But rather than making a big deal out of it at the restaurant, I kept writing myself a mental note to discuss it with them back at the Airbnb, but then something else would come up and I’d forget again.

So, that day at the Thai restaurant, I was helping the little ones with their crafts, and not paying attention to what the older kids were ordering, and realized too late that they’d gotten something besides water again, and then, when everyone was finished with their meals, and the little ones were reaching their limit, and we were ready to head to the playground, and my husband was trying to settle our tab, one of our grandkids says, “Wait! I haven’t gotten the ice cream I ordered yet.”

Come to find out, grandpa had given him permission to get dessert, but what grandpa didn’t know, but came out after a little more discussion, was the fact that ice cream—and some sort of specialty tea— was ALL this grandchild had ordered. He didn’t get a meal.

So now, not only am I exasperated – especially since this particular grandchild did the same thing two days earlier – skipped lunch and only got a drink and dessert — then starts complaining that he’s famished about 30 minutes later. But now granddad is upset, as well, and begins laying down the law right there in front of God and everybody.

Which might have turned a wonderfully pleasant lunch into a bad memory for everybody had my quick-witted son Benjamin started quoting a line from Cheaper by the Dozen:

“One big, happy family? Okay, I’m calling Oprah’s people right now. She does NOT want to come down here.”

Which sent me into a fit of laughter and immediately lightened the spirit. That ability to find the humor in a tense or stressful situation and laugh at yourself will go a long way toward helping you make the best of things when your plans go awry.

5 – Practice Patience

Always a good idea. Not just for family vacations… or picky eaters or pokey tow trucks.

Here again, a shift in perspective can help.

One day in San Antonio, I was riding in the car with my daughter when an older man raced up behind us, laid on his horn, then whipped his car around ours, making a face as he passed, and nearly clipped our headlight as he cut in front of us and sped ahead, leaving us in the trail of his exhaust fumes.

Well, my daughter honked back at him in response, much to the chagrin of her mother and grandmother who was also in the car with her at the time.

So I told her she should only use the horn to avoid an accident – like if an 18-wheeler doesn’t see you next to him and starts coming over into your lane. Or the car ahead of you tries to back up at an intersection and you need to let them know you are there.

But you shouldn’t use your horn just to express disapproval. That’s a good way to get shot. Road rage is a real thing. The guy who cut her off was already upset, and honking at him when he was already 200 feet ahead would only compound an already stressful situation.

Plus, you really don’t know what might be going through that man’s mind.  My daughter was assuming he was just a jerk who did what he did intentionally.

But he might also have been an unstable psychopath with a gun in his glovebox who was just looking for a reason to use it. One of my husband’s friends in high school was shot and killed by an elderly man who thought he was playing his music too loud.

Or maybe that driver had a two-year-old grandson in the backseat who’d gotten into HIS medicine cabinet, and he was frantically trying to get to the hospital for medical help.

The fact is, we don’t know what the man’s story is. But we can be sure he has one. And sometimes, just realizing that is the case can help us exercise a little more patience and extend a little more grace to the people around us.

6 – Show appreciation to others

This principle is especially helpful when folks are under stress. Gratitude goes a long way toward restoring balance and giving much needed perspective.

Notice I didn’t say: “Make sure others give you the appreciation you deserve.” No, that is something over which you have little if any control. Instead, I said, “show appreciation to others.”

The nice thing about that is, others can mean anybody: The guy who pulled himself away from a ball game long enough to tow your daughter’s car to a city an hour and a half away. The son who bought everybody’s lunch after church on Sunday. The waitress who sent you home with two extra loaves of hot, fresh pumpernickel. The daughter who brought gingerbread making supplies for the grandkids to enjoy (even though that was another item on the itinerary that didn’t pan out in the end). The son who coordinated a sunrise hike at Enchanted Rock. The daughter-in-law who hosted us all for dinner and made two varieties of chili to accommodate the vegetarians among us. Or the husband who comes home from 24-hour call and immediately launches into washing laundry.

This was a test I failed over Thanksgiving, by the way. My husband’s parents were here for six days, three of which my husband spent working at the hospital. So while he was gone, I held down the fort and entertained the in-laws, cooking meals, chauffeuring them back and forth to their hotel, and washing a mountain of dishes at least three times a day.

We had 49 mouths to feed on Thanksgiving Day. Of course, the kids pitched in to help, as did my husband when he was home, but it was still a lot of work.

But then, on Saturday afternoon when Doug was home between calls, I overheard him saying something to his folks in the next room that insinuated if he didn’t do laundry and dishes on his days off, the soiled clothes and dirty dishes would be stacked up to our eyeballs.

Well, the fact is, Doug does do the lion’s share of the laundry at our house, and he helps a lot in the kitchen, as well. But instead of walking into the room where they were gathered and happily acknowledging that fact and even bragging to his parents about what a hardworking and thoughtful son they raised, and telling them what a wonderful blessing he is to our entire family – like I should’ve done – I got my feelings hurt.

So I yelled at him incredulously from the kitchen: “Did you just tell your parents if you didn’t do the chores, they’d never get done at all?”

You see, in that moment, I was more interested in receiving some appreciation than in giving it. But that is not the attitude Christ demands of me. His Word tells us, “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility consider one another as more important than yourselves.”

That’s where I failed.

The chances are excellent that, if I had followed Christ’s example, I not only would’ve experienced the joy that comes with obedience, but I likely would’ve received the affirmation my heart was craving, as well. My husband has always been very generous with his praise for me. If I had come into the room singing his praises to his parents, I suspect he would’ve deflected a lot of it right back toward me.

But, even if he didn’t, everybody within earshot knew Doug was speaking hyperbolically. They’d been at home to see how hard I was working in his absence. And they understood the fact that we were both a little stressed by the time this conversation took place.

In fact, one of my sons was in the kitchen with me and overheard his father’s comment about the dishes and laundry at the same time I did. And he immediately turned to me and said, Dad doesn’t mean that the way it sounds. He’s just feeling bad for not being able to spend more time with his parents and is making excuses. Don’t let it bother you.

Which was an astute observation and very good advice.

Then, my last strategy for dealing with upset plans is to…

7 – Continue in prayer

This one should go without saying. Scripture repeatedly tells us to pray continuously, without ceasing, about big matters and small, in all circumstances, regarding anything and everything that weighs heavily on our heart.

Which is where I’m currently at with that lump under my arm. It may be nothing. Or it may be metastatic cancer. I don’t know.

On the one hand, I feel perfectly healthy. And I spent 25 years of my life breastfeeding babies, which is supposed to be very protective.

On the other, I do have several elevated risk factors, including a sister and two uncles who’ve all been diagnosed with breast cancer.

What I do know is this: God is good, and He can be trusted. He will never leave or forsake me, but will faithfully walk by my side through whatever lies ahead.

That knowledge has always been enough to keep my heart at peace, no matter what kind of crises or unexpected events crop up.

And I pray the same will be true for you amid any trials or altered plans or shattered dreams you may presently be experiencing.

By the way, most of the strategies I’m recommending here can be found in 1 Thessalonians, chapter 5.

There, in verse 8, we read:

“But since we are of the day, let’s be sober, having put on the breastplate of faith and love, and as a helmet, the hope of salvation.  For God has not destined us for wrath, but for obtaining salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, who died for us, so that whether we are awake or asleep, we will live together with Him.” [In other words: hold fast to your faith]

Then Paul continues in verse 11:

 “Therefore, encourage one another and build one another up, just as you also are doing. But we ask you, brothers and sisters, to recognize those who diligently labor among you and are in leadership over you in the Lord, and give you instruction, and that you regard them very highly in love because of their work. [There you have: Show appreciation]

Continuing on in verse 13, we read:

“Live in peace with one another. We urge you, brothers and sisters, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone.” [which is obviously where I got: practice patience]

Verse 15 adds:

“See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek what is good for one another and for all people.” [which speaks to being flexible & considering the needs of others]

Next, verse 16:

“Rejoice always,” [which is facilitated by looking on bright side and maintaining sense of humor]

Followed by 17:

“pray without ceasing,” [or continue in prayer] in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus…”

And, skipping down to verses 23-24, Paul wraps up his letter with this thought:

“May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will do it.”

I’m so grateful that I serve a God who has promised to finish the work He started. Aren’t you? I pray He will continue to graciously and patiently work out His wonderful plan in both my life and yours, whether it matches the plans we’ve made for ourselves or not.