EP 109: Does Your Marriage Need a Miracle?

My topic this week is something that is absolutely essential to building a strong and happy marriage. In fact, I have never seen a marriage truly thrive without this thing, but I’ve seen many a marriage crumble in its absence. Tune in to find what this important ingredient is, and how it can miraculously transform a not-so-happily-ever-after marriage into little slice of heaven on earth.

Does Your Marriage Need a Miracle?

Complete Transcript from Episode 108

Hello, Friend.

Welcome to Episode 109 of Loving Life at Home. Today I want to talk about something that is absolutely essential to building a strong and happy marriage. In fact, I have never seen a marriage truly thrive without this thing, but I’ve seen many a marriage crumble in its absence.

If you’ve been following my Loving Life at Home blog or podcast for very long, you might think that I’m talking about prayer – but that’s not my topic this week. I do believe prayer is vitally important, but the thing I have in mind today is something that can improve a couple’s marriage, even if neither is a believer and they never utter a single prayer.

But this thing I have in mind is something the Bible commands us repeatedly to do, and the more consistently you work at it, the more likely you will feel inclined to pray. (Plus, earnest prayers and an indwelling Holy Spirit will definitely make the transition easier!)

If you’ve read my book, Love Your Husband, Love Yourself, you might guess than the thing I’m talking about is sex. After all, the first 11 chapters of that book are about all the ways a couple benefits – physically, spiritually, mentally, and relationally – by prioritizing sex in marriage.

And, in fact, I credit much of the happiness and stability of my own marriage over the past 39 years to both those things: lots of prayer and lots of sex.

But the thing I want to talk about today is even more foundational than sex. And when you practice it consistently and well, it can absolutely transform the culture of your home.

Any more guess as to what I have in mind? Ready to give up?

The thing I’m talking about is gratitude.

I’ve written posts and recorded podcasts on this topic before, and I’ll be sure to link some of those resources in today’s show notes for anybody who wants or needs to dig deeper.

But a cultivating a grateful heart is key.

It’s the polar opposite of the pride, selfishness, and sense of entitlement that have so defined our modern culture and destroyed so many households these days.

There is no shortage of people on the Internet and in social media who will tell you to put yourself first, to “fight for your rights,” and to only look out for #1. They’ll encourage you to live your passion, to speak “your truth,” and to give anyone who crosses—or even disagrees with—you a piece of your mind. They’ll insist you must be assertive, be argumentative, and beeee aggressive, be, be aggressive!

Yet, that is not the advice we find in Scripture—except perhaps the speaking truth part.

But Truth, as the Bible defines it, is absolute; it doesn’t vary from person to person. Ephesians 4:15 admonishes us to always “speak the truth in love.” But Paul doesn’t mean the same thing the world means when they advise you to embrace and speak and live your  truth.

The apostle Paul warned us to watch out for this trend nearly 2000 years ago when he wrote to Timothy,

Don’t let any of that be a description of you! Beware of anyone or anything—any influence or influencer—who stirs up in you these sinful attitudes of pride, greed, selfishness, discontentment, and ingratitude.

Go to God’s Word instead.

The apostle provides a stark contrast to these common vices in his letter to the Colossians:

Scripture also encourages us…

There are literally scores if not hundreds of verses I could cite for that last injunction. Let’s read just a few of them:

I could go on and on and on… but I’ll leave you to do that word study on your own.

As you doubtlessly noticed, gratitude is the opposite of entitlement. I’ve seen a contemptuous sense of entitlement deal a deathblow to many a marriage—along with unspoken, often unreasonable, and consequently unmet expectations.

Entitlement and expectations can steal your joy faster than just about anything I can think of.

But I’ve also observed how sincere gratitude, freely expressed, can breathe life back into many a strained relationship and restore joy regardless of whether times are easy or hard.

Even if your circumstances never change—you’ll be better off having cultivated a grateful heart, if for no other reason than that you are being obedient to God. But you’ll likely reap rewards beyond the satisfaction of doing the right thing, as well.

Martha Washington once observed,

“I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition.”

And the cheerful, happy heart she refers to grows best in the well-watered soil of gratitude and appreciation.

So, count your blessings. Give thanks to God. Show appreciation to others for their help or hard work or hearty encouragement or honorable character. Look intently for good things in the people around you—and from life in general—and you’re much more likely to find it.

Also note that, while “giving thanks” should naturally include saying “thank you,” God’s command to “be thankful” goes far beyond words. It should form such a deep and abundant well of gratitude in our hearts that it is constantly spilling over onto the people around us.

When you learn to be genuinely grateful for every good gift the LORD has bestowed upon you (James 1:17), the scales fall from your eyes and you begin to see family, friends, neighbors, and coworkers as gifts of mercy, as well.

And that makes such a difference to your life in general, but also to your marriage. With that kind of gratitude, life is a continual feast. Without it, every little burden becomes heavy beyond measure and life begins to feel hopelessly impoverished.

The choice is yours…

If you are the kind of person who is constantly complaining, who finds fault, who criticizes and nit-picks and nags—even if you don’t voice all your grievances, but still communicate them through rolled eyes and heavy sighs and disapproving glares or glances—then one of two things is true:

1. Either, first, the people around you—spouse, children, coworkers—are listening and taking what you say to heart and internalizing that disapproval, and it is making them miserable, convincing them they’ll never do anything right or to your satisfaction.
2. Or, second, you have trained your family and friends to totally disregard your opinion and to tune out your complaints or to avoid you altogether.

Both these responses are undesirable. Neither scenario is very good. Do you know what is good?

Retraining your brain with the empowering help of the Holy Spirit.

Instead of focusing on what you don’t have, on how others have failed or disappointed or let you down, and bemoaning the fact that your glass is half-empty, shift your attention to all the good things that surround you and the myriad ways God has blessed you through (or even in spite of) the other people in your life, and start rejoicing over the half of your glass that is full.

Paul put it this way in his letter to the church at Phillipi:

Dwelling on the good won’t necessarily cause the bad to immediately go away or completely disappear. And you can certainly still pray about the negatives when they are brought to your attention. Philippians 4:6 commands us to do exactly that, to “

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.”

But make it your habit to search out the good and to be genuinely glad and grateful for it.

Such a shift in thinking is a powerful thing. And if you can pull it off in the midst of a not-so-happily-ever-after marriage, the results will seem nothing short of miraculous.

It is significant, I think, that the first miracle Jesus ever performed publicly was turning water into wine at a marriage feast in Cana. Do you remember what was said by the headwaiter when he tasted the results?

He marveled and declared to the bridegroom in astonishment,

That, my friend, is my prayer for you.

If your heart is empty… if you feel used up… if your marriage tastes like a piece of gum with all the flavor chewed out, then turn it over to Jesus now. Do exactly as He bids. In everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, bring your requests directly to the Throne of Grace.

God is still in the business of performing miracles, and He can so transform your marriage that you will marvel, Wow! He saved the very best for last!