EP 77: Good Timing for Big Decisions
This week on Loving Life at Home I’m answering a couple of questions about starting a family during medical school, but the principles also apply to other big decisions people put off while waiting for perfect timing.
Show Notes
VERSES CITED:
- Ecclesiastes 4:12 – “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”
- Psalm 127:3 – “Children are a blessing and a gift from the LORD.”
- Philippians 4:19 – “And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”
RELATED LINKS:
- Having Babies in Medical School? – the post I wrote 17 years ago on this same topic
- Then Comes Baby in a Baby Carriage – having babies matures us in important ways
- Postponing Motherhood: At What Cost? – another good argument for not waiting for “the perfect time”
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Good Timing for Big Decisions
Full transcript for Episode 77
Hello, friend.
Welcome to episode 77 of Loving Life at Home. This week I’d like to address some questions that have come in about timing on these big life decisions that all of us make: when to get married, when to start a family, that sort of thing.
I received a message this week from a mom who writes,
”I was intrigued by the mention of your husband and his residency. As our youngest son is studying to take the MCAT in May, he’s wondering how marriage and family work with medical school. Do you address that in any of your posts or could you share any tips on lessons learned?”
Well, the only post that came to mind was one that I wrote 17 years ago in response to another very specific question about medical training. Only that one didn’t come from the mom; it came from a wife. She wrote,
”I would love to seek your wisdom on a particular subject. My husband is a first year medical student and we’re considering having children while he’s in med school. We would deeply value any advice that you have time to share.”
Well, my answer to her and my answer to this mom is that we’re happy to share our perspective on having babies during medical school. We had three when my husband was in school, two more, plus pregnant with number six while we were in residency. And then we went on to have six more once he started his practice.
Was it ever a struggle? Yes, at times — especially financially since Doug was committed from the beginning for me to stay at home and homeschool our kids, and having them early meant that we just had to take out bigger loans while he was in school.
Would we do it all over again? Absolutely we would!
We are profoundly grateful that God overruled our half-hearted attempt to use natural family planning to postpone pregnancy until after he completed his training — a plan that was quickly abandoned when I got pregnant two weeks into our honeymoon.
In fact, our first son was born on May 31, and Doug began doing research at the medical school during a summer position on June 1, the very next day. Yet we have such great memories of pulling together through medical school, of working together.
Even the hard times make good memories when they’re over. It’s kind of like combat soldiers that bond during war. When you go through thick and thin together, it forges a link that is not easily destroyed.
It’s admittedly a big decision, but I think what you really need is a commitment to marriage in general and to one another in specific, undergirded by a faith in God and in his design for marriage. And that cord of three strands, as it talks about in the book of Ecclesiastes, is not quickly broken. It’s not easily broken.
- We had babies during my husband’s clinical years when he was on every-other-night call, and I wasn’t even sure if they would let him off to come to the hospital and observe the birth.
- We survived him working 120 hours a week through his internship year, which was really tough. But we came out even stronger on the other side of it.
- We packed up our kids and took them with us during his medical reserve deployments and squeezed 12 people into a tiny 500-square-foot apartment and the bachelor barracks to be able to stay together.
Some of those things are our very favorite memories together now–but they were really a struggle at the time.
The problem with waiting for the perfect time to have a baby or to get married or any other big life decision is that it becomes easier and easier to find reasons to postpone. ”We’ll just wait until I graduate or finish residency or get established or build a house.” You understand? Those excuses pile up.
And it also gets harder and harder to conceive once the perfect time arrives. That’s because a woman has just a small window of fertile years, a window that begins to close in her 20s. By age 30 she has only a 20% chance of getting pregnant each month, and by age 40 it drops to 5%.
I do think there’s a difference between a woman who’s never had the opportunity to have children because she wasn’t married until she was in her late 30s or early 40s, and somebody who has purposefully delayed for, you know, a decade or more through use of hormonal contraceptives before she ever attempted to have children. Those hormones can really wreak havoc with your system and make it more difficult to get pregnant when you think you really are finally ready to have a family.
So postponing indefinitely is not really a good strategy for women who are already married and do eventually want children. So I would say go for it. There are a lot of benefits to starting early and having babies while you’re young
First, you have more energy.
Younger moms have an easier time keeping up with active toddlers. Raising children is hard work, and it’s best to get started while your energy levels are still pretty high.
Now, we had 12, and my first was born early 20s, and my last was born at 45 (or the day before I turned 45).
And God is gracious throughout, and he obviously provides for all our needs and gave me the energy to continue to parent my children, even in my 40s and 50s. I’ll be 60 in April, and we’re still at it. We still have kids at home, but my energy level isn’t as high now as it was when I was younger.
And so I’m glad that when I was the only one chasing toddlers, that I was pretty young when that job was fully mine because my husband was away for so much of the time in his training.
Another benefit is better health.
Starting your family early is good for your health. Mothers who give birth at a young age have a lower incidence of breasted and ovarian cancer.
Now we see how that played out in my life: I did get a breast cancer diagnosis just the end of last year, despite having a lot of children and starting early. So that’s no guarantee.
But generally, it does lower your incidence of both those cancers. And research shows that men who father children live longer, especially if they begin when they’re still young.
Then also it can lead to a stronger marriage.
Having children is good for your marriage. It matures you both in more ways than you can imagine. It cements your love and seals your commitment to one another.
Watching my husband interact with my children has given me a whole new respect for him by bringing delight character qualities which otherwise would have remained unrecognized and unappreciated.
It also entails a clear commitment.
With divorce rates topping 50% in the general population and even higher among certain medical specialties, it’s interesting to note that your risk of divorce goes down with each child, and it also is reduced by a greater delay in that empty nest.
That wedding ring on your husband’s finger might not keep the cute little nurses from flirting with them, but 2 or 3 or 11 or 12 baby pictures in his wallet sure slow them down.
Then it’s also a stress reducer.
Although conventional wisdom may tell you that medical school is hard enough without throwing dirty diapers and midnight feedings into the mix, Doug and I found that making babies was a great stress reliever for him, and nursing them was a terrific stress reliever for me.
And of course we shouldn’t forget the most obvious reason for starting a family ASAP:
Babies are wonderful.
And so are toddlers and adolescents and teens and adult children and grandchildren. God really knew what He was talking about when He declared, ”Children are a blessing from the Lord…. Happy is the man whose quiver is full of them,” in Psalm 127.
All those reasons came from a post that I wrote 17 years ago, but I haven’t changed my mind at all since that time. If anything, I’m more thankful and more firmly convinced than ever that this was absolutely the best course for us–the best decision for me and my husband.
While that post was specifically about having babies during medical school, the same arguments could be made for marrying early in your schooling rather than later. Provided you find an understanding and supportive spouse to marry, I’d say go for it.
My husband always maintained that he had much more time to study during school than his single friends because they spent so much time going to parties and bar hopping and trying to find girlfriends that they were totally distracted on the primary purpose of their being in that training to start with.
Doug, on the other hand, had me waiting at home for him at the end of every long day, whether he was in class or clinicals, and he could get right down to business (both in terms of study and of sharing intimacy) without having to jump through a lot of extra hoops.
Life was great back then, and it’s continued to be great. And God has been so faithful from the beginning to provide for all our needs (Phil. 4:19): our need for strength and stamina and energy and wisdom and and sustenance. Everything.
Plus all that pulling together we did during the lean years of living on school loans and shopping garage sales and finding frugal fun bonded us together in ways that probably would not have been possible had we waited until after his training to marry or to start a family.
That goal of being comfortable before you ever make any kind of commitment really robs people of a lot of joy that they would experience in the journey.
So think it through. What kind of big decisions are you putting off until the perfect time? And how disappointed are you going to be if the perfect time never arises?
Is there something you can do today to get started working towards those goals, even if the timing doesn’t seem perfect? Pray about it and be willing to take that leap of faith if the Lord prompts you to do so.
The Word of God is full of wisdom for every facet of life, but we’ve found it especially helpful in building a happy, healthy marriage. For a fascinating look at how science has confirmed the superiority of God’s design, check out my book Love Your Husband/Love Yourself.
I loved reading this post! What a blessing the Lord gave you: 12 children before age 45; PTL! So thankful to read how the Lord has led you, used you, and taught you many important things through your marriage & child raising….and that you are sharing those lessons with us. He is able to provide and prepare us for anything.
My story is somewhat different. I grew up in Africa as an MK. My husband and I met as older single missionaries overseas & were married on the mission field (Africa). We wanted children but were living out in the bush most of the time. As time went on, much prayer & agonizing were a part of our lives. We both got physically checked by doctors; medically there was no reason for the delay. Yet our desire grew, and our prayer life grew also; we learned many lessons about waiting on Him.
Eventually, I was able to turn my strong desire over to the Lord, telling Him of my hope for a family but acknowledging His plans were best. I prayed that I did not want Him to grant our request if it would result in any child turning away from Him or bringing dishonor to His name. Our first was born just after I turned 35 and the last (#4) was born when I was 44 1/2. They all moved around the African bush with us, attending mission boarding schools after some early homeschooling. I thank God for His faithfulness over the last 40 years of marriage and for the way He has led my now grown children to love and serve Him also, some overseas. God’s timing and plans are best, even for “older” parents like us. He graciously granted our request and enabled us to raise and care for these “gifts” as older parents. Children can thrive anywhere when the Lord is in control. We are “retired” now and have 4 precious grandchildren who are learning to trust the Lord, just as their parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents learned. Praise His Holy name!
I’m so glad you wrote to share your story, Karen. I loved hearing it for two reasons:
First, because we have a daughter-in-law (also a mother of four children) who grew up in Africa as an MK. We love her to pieces and are so happy to have her in our family!
And second, because I have a couple of mission-minded single daughters who are getting older and wondering if marriage and children will ever be in their future, so it’s encouraging to hear from somebody who met her spouse on the mission field and did not miss out on having children despite being older when she married. We keep praying God will bring our girls godly husbands who share their passion for mission work. Maybe that will happen on the field for them just like it did for you.
I didn’t think I was going to get much out of this post based on the question asked, but as usual, I loved your words of wisdom!
Thanks so much, Janine. I appreciate your listening!