EP 98: 9 Ways to Defuse a Disagreement

Romans 12:18 tells us, “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.” How does that play out in real life? Is there a place for meaningful debate on important topics? And, if so, how can we keep such discussions calm and civil and God-honoring? What steps can we take to defuse a disagreement and keep it from escalating into a full-blown fight?

That’s our topic on Loving Life at Home. Much of the material for this episode is taken from a post I wrote over 11 years ago, which you can read in its entirety under today’s show notes. Listen in and let me know what you think.

Remembering Charlie Kirk

Partial Transcript from Episode 98

This has been a week to remember, hasn’t it? So much senseless violence and death. The brutal murder of that 23-year-old Ukranian woman who was simply riding a train, minding her own business, in North Carolina. The assassination of Charlie Kirk, the 31-year-old founder of Turning Point USA who was famous for his commitment to having civil conversations with anybody who disagreed with him on college campuses across the country and around the globe. And anniversary of the unforgettable 9-11 terrorist attacks, which took place 24 years ago this month. Can you believe it’s been that long?

In many ways, 9-11 served to unite our country. It brought us to our knees in prayer, convinced us to lay aside our differences, united us in purpose and commitment, and led to revival within the church, however short-lived that renewed interest in growing closer to God may have been for some of the people involved. With others it stuck.

All of those things are a testimony to the fact God can and does work all things – even horrifically senseless, evil things – “together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose,” as Romans 8:28 assures us.

As Joseph told the brothers who sold him into slavery, “you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive.”

Several years ago, I wrote a poem about Joseph’s story, and the stories of many other believers we read about in God’s Word. I won’t quote the entire thing to you – or maybe I will — but the poem ends like this:

…Then, at the height of all injustice,
Christ was crucified,
Yet God’s redemptive plans all hinged
Upon the fact He died.
Without the cross, without the grave
From which He rose again,
The world He loved and came to save
Would perish in its sin.

Doubtlessly, the devil thought
He’d won when Christ was slain,
For little did he understand
The depth of God’s great plan.
He fancied he was in control,
But he misunderstood—
What Satan meant for evil,
God Himself decreed for good.

And so today, as in the past,
The Lord is on His throne,
He’s unperplexed by wicked schemes
Our enemies have sown.
May history show, when foes conspired,
That on this truth I stood:
What men intend for evil,
God will always use for good.

We are already beginning to see that in the case of Charlie Kirk’s death last week, as well. People who had never even heard of Charlie are watching his countless videos and are hearing – some for the first time ever — not only his defense of conservative beliefs but also his bold proclamation of the gospel of Christ.

Charlie knew his Bible, and  he clearly communicated the fact that all have sinned and fallen short of God’s holy standard, that Jesus died to pay the penalty for our sin, that he was buried and rose again from the grave, so that by grace through faith, we can put our hope and trust in Him, receive full forgiveness for our willful rebellion against God and walk in newness of life.

So the message is still going out, even after the messenger’s life has abruptly come to an end.

People who knew and loved Charlie personally are speaking out, too, boldly proclaiming the truth, taking up his mantle, and pledging to carry on his legacy of respectful dialogue with people who hold opposing viewpoints.

Earlier this week, I read that on the day Charlie died, there were 9,000 chapters of Turning Point USA on college campuses across the country, but that in the six days immediately following his assassination, Turning Point has received over 54,000 requests for new college or high school chapters.

Which is wonderful. I’m so thankful that’s the case. My son and grandson attended a TPUSA meeting on our local college campus just last night and both joined the legacy committee, dedicated to keeping the conversation going.

I also read that in that same 1-week period, Charlie’s Instagram account went from having 1.5M followers to 12.7M followers. That’s a lot of new people being exposed to his Christian conservative worldview.

Add to that the fact that multiple millions of Charlie’s followers are gathering together to pray, to sing hymns, to light candles, to fellowship and remember a life well-lived, and I can definitely see how God is working even this very tragic circumstances together for our good and for God’s glory. And that makes me so very hopeful!

I wrote a blog post over a decade ago entitled 9 Ways to Defuse a Disagreement, which I’d like to share with you today.

As I was reading back over it this week, I realize Charlie Kirk epitomized all 9 points. He was so faithful to “speak the truth in love,” as Ephesians 4:15 compels all of us to do. His speech was “always full of grace, seasoned with salt,” (Colossians 4:6) and God granted him the wisdom to “know how to answer everyone.”

And God promises to give that same kind of wisdom to us if only we ask for it.  Charlie showed us it is possible to engage in lively debate without demeaning the person with whom you are conversing.

I actually learned that same fact, long before Charlie was even born, by watching my father….

9 Ways to Defuse a Disagreement

My father was one of the friendliest, most gregarious men I’ve ever met. He loved people — but he also loved a spirited debate. Mom always said Dad would argue with a fence post.

My mother was decidedly not fond of fiery discussions. She has always detested conflict of any sort. Dad would often tease Mom, trying to get a rise out of her, but she would not be baited. He might as well have been arguing with that famed fencepost, for all the luck he had in drawing his wife into an argument.

By nature, I tend to take after my father, but by conscious effort, I try to follow my mother’s example.

Scripture says it would be better to live in a desert or in the corner of a roof than in a house with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife. (Proverbs 21:19) My mother’s willingness to “abandon a quarrel before it breaks out” (Proverbs 17:14) made our home a more pleasant and peaceful place to live — for all of us.

Of course, you may not always see eye-to-eye with your husband. When there are areas of disagreement or concerns that need to be discussed, take care to do so in a calm, cool, collected, and consistently respectful way.

Communicating respect to your husband does not necessitate keeping all your thoughts to yourself. It does not mean going along with his every whim, even when serious reservations exist.

Showing respect is not about suppressing your feelings; it’s really more about the tone with which those feelings are expressed.

A disrespectful tone communicates, “Listen, you idiot, let me set you straight on this matter, because it’s obvious you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Of course, we would (hopefully) never actually say such a thing, but our husbands will sometimes hear these words in our tone, even when we don’t utter them outright.

A respectful tone, by contrast, first hears the other person out. It always gives thoughtful consideration to what is being said, even if the speaker isn’t able to articulate his ideas as easily as you yourself might be able to do so. A respectful tone validates the other person by saying, “I see your point,” before continuing, “but have you considered…?”

Many times, our husbands do things in a different way than we would do them, but that doesn’t mean their way is wrong. Go with the flow for as long as possible, then when an issue arises that you really feel strongly about, you will have stored up some goodwill by not having contradicted the two or three dozen choices he’s made prior to the current one. It is easy for our husbands to grow weary and lose patience when we argue and second-guess each and every decision they make.

As for preventing difficult discussions from escalating into angry arguments, follow these guidelines to keep tempers from flaring:

1. Practice Attentive Listening

   
   

   Pay attention to what your spouse is trying to say to you. Hear him out. Don’t just pretend to be listening while you mentally rehearse what you plan to say next.

   
   

   “Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.” – Proverbs 18:13

2. Demonstrate Genuine Love

   
   

   If you will focus on all the reasons you love this person instead of on the things that irritate you about him, you will be much less likely to say something you later regret.

   
   

   “Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers over all wrongs.” – Proverbs 10:12

3. Maintain Calm Voices

   
   

   Don’t allow the pitch to creep up in your conversation. Maintain a gracious, soft-spoken demeanor at all times.

   
   

   “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” – Proverbs 15:1

4. Use Word Pictures

   
   

   Well thought-out word pictures and analogies are a great way to communicate a concern without being abrasive and accusatory.

   
   

   “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.” – Proverbs 25:11

5. Keep Sweet Speech

   
   

   Let your words be filled with kindness and seasoned with grace; do not resort to name calling or exaggerated accusations.

   
   

   “Sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness.” – Proverbs 16:21

6. Exercise Patient Understanding

   
   

   Try to see the situation from your spouse’s point of view. Be sympathetic. Put yourself in his shoes to better appreciate his perspective.

   
   

   “Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly.” – Proverbs 14:29

7. Remain Cool-Headed

   
   

   Weigh your words carefully, always and only speaking the truth in love. Don’t be rash.

   
   

   “A hot-tempered person stirs up strife, but the slow to anger calms a dispute.” – Proverbs 15:18

8. Show Sincere Humility

   
   

   Rid your tone (and your heart) of all pride and condescension, neither of which serve any purpose but to stir up strife and discord.

   
   

   “God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” – James 4:6

9. Express Earnest Repentance

   
   

   Show appropriate, unfeigned remorse over any wrongdoing. Apologize for offensive things you have said or done without excusing your actions or casting blame on your spouse.

   
   

   “Those whom I love, I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent.” – Revelation 3:19

Through her example, my mother taught me that I don’t always have to have the last word; I don’t need to drive home my point; I’m under no obligation to convince others I’m right.

It takes two to argue. Isn’t it liberating to know that? It takes two — and you don’t have to be one of them.

This post is excerpted from my book, 25 Ways to Communicate Respect to Your Husband. For more marriage encouragement, connect with me on Facebook.