Why I Keep Saying “Yes” to Sex

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Why I Keep Saying Yes to Sex | a word to wives from lovinglifeathomeAuthor Leah Holder wrote a terrific post this week for the Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission, which she entitled Why I Keep Saying “No” to Sex.

The gist of the article is this: She says “no” because she is not yet married.

Sexual purity is important to her because it is important to God, and she has therefore made a commitment to save sex for marriage, however unpopular or difficult such a decision has sometimes seemed.

The Bible is very clear in its stance regarding sex outside of marriage. (Colossians 3:5; Hebrews 13:4)

The reason we have the skyrocketing rates of STDs, abortion, divorce, and single-parent families we see today is because far too many people have ignored God’s guidelines in the area of sex for far too long.

But there is a flip-side to the coin: The Bible also speaks clearly about what our attitude toward sex should be once we’ve walked down the aisle. (1 Corinthians 7:2-5) Sex between husband and wife, says God, is a good thing. (Genesis 2:24-25; Genesis 1:28, 31)

Sex within the context of marriage is part of His perfect design. That is why I keep saying “yes” to sex within the context of mine:

  • Sex is Protective
  • I’ll be honest. I didn’t fully appreciate how vitally important sex would be to my husband (and to my marriage), until after I’d married him. Like the vast majority of men, my husband likes to have sex. Often. After my early attempts to lower his expectations concerning frequency failed to convince him, I did what I should have done from the start: I changed my priorities to match his. Sure, I could have stubbornly insisted he wait for the weekend. He married me for better or worse, and — being a man of integrity — I believe he would have honored his vows regardless. But much of the joy and happiness and satisfaction and delight that comes from fully embracing God’s purpose for passion in marriage would have been forfeited had I done so. And it would also have made it far more difficult to resist the many, many, many temptations that daily present themselves in this sexually-charged culture, if he didn’t have a wife at home who is ready and willing to take care of his needs. To deny your husband physically is to leave him vulnerable and unprotected. (1 Corinthians 7:5) It is foolishly shortsighted. Why would any thinking woman do it?

  • Sex Promotes Good Health
  • There is not a vitamin, supplement, or herb on the market that benefits our bodies as much as monogamous sex in a loving relationship: It boosts energy and immunity; increases longevity; decreases the risk of cancer, stroke, and heart disease; alleviates stress, anxiety, and depression; strengthens and tones muscles; improves mental and emotional health; promotes deeper, more satisfying sleep; and fosters a more youthful looking appearance… just to name a few. Want to know more? The first 11 chapters of my book, Love Your Husband/ Love Yourself, discuss in detail the studies that support these and myriad other blessings that come from prioritizing sex in marriage.

  • Sex is Pleasurable
  • My husband took me out for a hibachi dinner date a couple of nights ago, and the other people at our table complimented our deft use of chopsticks. Where did you learn to do that? they wanted to know.The answer? We first visited a hibachi grill on our honeymoon, and my husband thought it would be fun to eat the entire meal with chopsticks, so we did (albeit very awkwardly). With every bite, more food fell back to our plate than made it to our mouth. But after 27 years of practicing every time we go out for Asian food of any sort, we’ve steadily improved so that now we’re both very comfortable and adept at eating with chopsticks. You may not realize it, but a similar thing happens with sex. Sex may be novel and new on your honeymoon, but it just gets better and better with practice, so don’t give up or quit too soon. I can testify that after 27 years, sharing physical intimacy with my husband is more pleasurable than I ever imagined possible when we were first getting started. What was fun but fumbling and awkward in the beginning, is still fun but has become more natural and easy over time.

  • Sex is Procreative
  • I love babies, and sex makes babies, so that’s just one more reason to love sex! While it is true that God intended sex for marital oneness, that’s only half the story. He also intended it for fruitfulness. And one of the advantages to embracing this aspect of sex is that it makes for greater spontaneity — no pills to pop or scrambling around in the heat of the moment for a misplaced diaphragm. Of course, being open to children does not automatically guarantee you a Duggar-sized family — we’ve known lots of couples who would’ve loved to have lots of children, but were only blessed with one or two despite never doing anything to prevent pregnancy. Still, there remains an obvious link between having sex and having babies, and the more comfortable you are with that fact, the easier it will be to fully enjoy the physical part of your marriage relationship.

  • Sex is Part of God’s Plan
  • God made sex. He made it for a purpose, and He made it good. Even if your marriage isn’t what it should be — or if sex with your husband isn’t what you thought it would be — you can still choose to live in cooperation and obedience to God’s original purpose and plan for sex in marriage. If your husband shows interest when you’re not in the mood, accept his advances anyway. Willingness often precedes desire for many wives, and responding positively and sincerely to your husband’s romantic overtures will put you in the mood in a hurry. If you are interested when your husband is not, initiate sex yourself. Admire him, flirt with him, and encourage him every chance you get, praying that God transform this aspect of your relationship into everything it was meant to be.

In our society today, I know a lot of women say yes, yes, yes to sex before marriage, and a lot of wives say no, no, no to sex afterwards. This is completely backwards. In the end, such practices lead only to heartache, frustration, disease, and constant emotional turmoil. This was never God’s plan for sex.

If you are single, do everything you can to protect this vulnerable side of yourself and save it for marriage, then share it with one person, completely and consistently, for the rest of your life.

If you are married, don’t treat sex like some rare, exotic spice to be sprinkled sparingly on special occasions. Realize, instead, that sex was meant to be a staple for married couples — more akin to bread and water or meat and potatoes — and should be enjoyed regularly in liberal amounts. Doing so will strengthen, support, and sustain your marriage like nothing else.

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17 thoughts on “Why I Keep Saying “Yes” to Sex

  1. carolinekasaya

    What you have shared with me is so true. At times I want to give up on working on intimacy in my marriage. I just feel I am the one not interested anymore. I love my hubby and all. At times when am not so up to having sex… I feel like a failure. Let me follow the counsel from your writing and see. Blessings

  2. Pam

    We need to stop putting too much emphasis on sex. No demands on a husband who is on multiple back medications and cannot perform. My sister goes thru this everyday. It’s not always the wife saying no. So sex is not everything in the marriage. Communication and mutual respect is very important.

    1. A.C.

      Glad to see at least one person with a brain. As expressed in other articles by this woman and her husband, the lifestyle they promote is incredibly dangerous, and in the end, the wife will always lose. It’s very telling when most articles addressed to husbands are a bunch of do’s to make him look like some kind of smooth hunky superstar, while lists for the wives are mainly don’t’s that make it seem like we should treat our husbands more like our fathers that might beat us or abandon us if we don’t fall in line.

      1. Jennifer Flanders Post author

        Just to make it perfectly clear, I honor my husband for the same reason I honored my father — because I love, admire, and respect him deeply and because Scripture commands me to do so, not because I’m afraid he will beat me or leave me if I don’t. My father never did that, and there is no danger of husband doing it either. You can insist all you want that I’ve somehow lost out, but that hasn’t been my perception at all. Rather, I feel incredibly blessed — almost as if I hit the jackpot when I met my husband (thirty years ago this month) and agreed to marry him.

  3. Erika Molina

    Thanks for writing! Young christian women need to hear more truth like this from other brave women in order to know why to say no and why to say yes πŸ˜‰
    Keep up the good work!
    (From a single and virgin woman).

  4. ShellBell

    This is a very timely message. Older women need to keep reminding younger women of this truth, and we need to keep encouraging one another toward Biblical values in marriage! I know of 2 women right now who refuse to have sex with their husbands anymore — both Christian couples. This is yet another way that Satan is attacking marriage and the family.

  5. Julie V

    I completely agree. And like my doctor (female) told me – the more you do it the more you will want to do.

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  7. betsydecruz

    This is a great post, Jennifer. Such an important topic that we get little chance to read. You always put a healthy, positive, Godly slant on the issue of sex in marriage. Thanks.

  8. Mel

    Awesome post! We’re working back towards “normal” after a rough pregnancy (mentally and physically tiring), health issues for hubs and a 9 month old in our room. Sleep seems to take a higher priority than sex sometimes, but we’re working on it! We both know that we are much happier and healthier in mind and marriage when there are no limits on sex. Thanks for the reminder!

  9. insanitybytes22

    Amen πŸ™‚

    This is a good message for many wives to hear. I often think we live in a backwards world, because sex before marriage is heavily promoted, while sex after marriage is almost presented as unfashionable. In truth, sex within marriage, especially long term marriage, has a way of just getting better and better, until you actually start to feel bad for people that seem to believe that sex is something shallow, two dimensional, without spiritual meaning.

  10. just1kiki

    LOVE this! I am single so saving sex for marriage; however I love the emphasis on making sure to keep sex as a vital part of a healthy, God centered marriage! Thank you for this post.


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